Enigma

I am not a she, nor am I a he. I am neither and I am both. I am human. Don't judge me by a gender you think you see, or believe me to be. (I write the words I fail to say out loud.)

[enigma-88]

Ubeskyttet hjerte

Det ligger noe tungt på brystet

Presser ned

Herregud, så vondt det gjør!

Ribbeina under svikter

De som skal beskytte over hjertet

Det presser ned

En knasende sprø lyd ljomer

Ribbeina under svikter

Pusten er kort

Hvert hev i brystkassa

krever alt jeg har

Hvert senk i brystkassa

faller brutalt

Herregud, så vondt det gjør!

Gråten sitter der

men tanken på å slippe løs

gir smerter

Mer smerter

Flere sprøe knas

fra ribbeina som skulle beskytte

over hjertet

- Enigma

[enigma-88]

This! I bought milk and honey by rupi kaur, and I have no words to describe the feelings left in me after reading some of it. I just feel it, everything she writes. The words that are put down on these sheets of paper are so raw.❤️ I truly admire her, just for putting it out there. For sharing her journey and telling her story through poetry. Thank you❤️

[enigma-88]

Wrong is right

Where did I go wrong? Tell me What have I ever done to you?

Your hate is so visible Your anger is so strong

I can feel it all the way to my bones The chill running down my spine The hurt pounding in my heart

All I ever wanted was for you to love me All of me, as me

You needed me to be something else Someone else But, whatever or whomever I became I was never right

I could never do right I can never do right For you I am all wrong

I could never save you I will never be able to I can only be me

I am sorry I can't live for you I can only live for me

I can't do right, so I'll go with wrong Wrong is right for me I see that now

I am sorry For you, I am sorry for you I'll manage, I'll live

I'll break free You just couldn't see That is your loss, not mine

You broke me But you see, I see now I know now

You are the one in need So am I, right now

But you see My heart is growing stronger My wings are getting spacious My soul is braver

- Enigma

[enigma-88]

Loneliness

I love my space I love the time I spend alone It's the loneliness that kills me The realisation that not only am I alone I am lonely Even when not alone I long for someone Something to keep me alive I long for relationships Time spent in safe surroundings Souls who sees my soul I long for the life I have yet to explore I long for late nights conversations with people who share those deep thoughts and feelings I miss the people, I miss the world But I don't think they know I exist I want someone to put their arms around me knowing it is ok I want them to tell me, "I see you, I know you exist" It's the loneliness that kills me - Enigma

[enigma-88]

The pain

It fucking hurts! This pain you have caused Infected me with

Why? I have this desire now This need to continue the pain Like addiction

The pain you caused upon me I now continue on myself Slowly, I kill myself

You did not finish me And it feels like I can't live Not without the pain

So, I slit my wrists I swallow these pills I refuse to eat

I bathe in pain Like I am in love with darkness The feeling of almost dying Not quite dead, not quite alive

With bare feets I walk this line Keep my balance But always, I fall

And I fucking love it, don't I? The hard fall that causes even more pain

You did not finish me You left the job for me Like my mission in life Bathe in pain until it kills you.

Lifes mission = suicide.

I pictured you my saviour My shining armor I know how much I loved you Hell, I likely still do!

How sad is that? Maybe my addiction isn't pain Maybe my addiction is you

Maybe my desire is to figure you out Or maybe it is to forget all about you My pain always leads me to you

You caused this pain upon me And I long for the moments between the hurting The moments between the heartbreaks The moments where you told me I was your girl

I want you alive I want you to tell me Why?

Why was I the special one The chosen

Why put your pain in me Why infect me with your darkness Why did I have to save you?

I only want to sink and drown in this pain All the way down Until I can't feel no more

The pain I cause myself leads me away from you

So, I slit my wrists I swallow these pills I refuse to eat

And death will be my final release

- Enigma

[enigma-88]

Skriket

Som Munch malte sitt Skrik i nyanser av brennende farger Sitter mitt Skrik lammet i sorte skygger og uten uttrykk

Mitt Skrik har ingen nyanser Mitt Skrik kan ikke hektes på veggen og ei er det for andre å studere

Du kan ikke høre skrikene Hverken Munch sitt eller mitt Dog, om du virkelig ser etter åpner alle sansene

Da er jeg rimelig sikker på at du kan høre oss begge Det skjærende, fryktinngytende angst-ropet

Så høyt at du kjenner det iser inn til benmargen Til hårene står loddrett Til du sitter helt tafatt og stum Til du ikke lengre klarer å røre på et eneste ledd

For alt du hører er skriket du plutselig ser Munch sitt Skrik Mitt Skrik

Det ljomer over åsen Det stilner en hel verden

- Enigma

[enigma-88]

I love her❤️

[enigma-88]

The horror of reality

[enigma-88]

A “fantasy”

I fear this fantasy is all there is

How you were right I fantasise to much To big To wrong

I lie Because this fantasy is all there is

You told me that I make up Tell stories

The stories that is not to be heard of Stories of lies A fantasy

My story are not to be told Never to be heard You refuse to listen You refuse to see

You take your step back Abandoning this child whom you can't bear to look at nor listen to

She's so full of lies So full of poison You can't seem to get your head around To get a grip on this child

Where does she go? Where does she live? Who is this child?

What's wrong with her?

You just couldn't believe a word she said. Why? The words hurt you, didn't they? A truth you couldn't bear to see nor hear.

You told yourself this child was a child living in a fantasy world Making up stories Stories of horror

What child would live in a world of fantasies if her fantasies was stories of horror from the real world?

If this child had words of lies how come her body told you otherwise? Her body had scars from all of these words she told you. But no, it was only a fantasy. Her life, her words, her body Everything, just a bloody fantasy

- Enigma

[enigma-88]

Overvåket

Det banker på, høyt I veggene høres lyden av slegger Døra er snart brutt opp Glasset i vinduene brister

Hører du det, du også? Nei? Bare jeg altså

SLIPP MEG INN! Det skriker i ørene mine

Panikken har tatt meg Jeg får ikke puste

Jeg kniper igjen øynene Jeg holder for ørene Jeg krymper meg sammen

Det er noen her! Ser du de, du også? Nei? Bare jeg altså

Jeg er alene, men jeg er ikke alene

Jeg er redd Lyden er så høy Skikkelsene er så klare

STOPP! Jeg frøs fast

Jeg vil løpe Jeg vil rope

Jeg krymper enda mer Panikk Får ikke puste Klarer ikke å se Klarer ikke å si

Overvåket, forfulgt og i frykt Kommer de nå?

- Enigma

[enigma-88]

Raindrops

Like rain fall from the sky Tears fall from the eyes Forming a small drop, several drops Each unique in a beautiful way

I could stand outside Feel the rain hit my face Colliding with my tears

I could feel as the rain and my tears collided The warm tears with the cold rain blending together

As if they were ment to be Longing for each other The rain was there to heal my tears The sky was there to save my heart Allowing me to cry To let my tears fall

The rain was there to tell me "You are not alone" As if the sky let her tears go with mine

I could stay here forever Alone with the sky Feel how the cold rain blended with my warm tears How it embraced my soul, letting me know I was still alive

I didn't feel alone I felt at peace Here, under the sky With the rain and with my tears

As if my heart didn't feel so heavy The rain eased the pain I could let go, for a while Here, with these drops of rain

- Enigma

[enigma-88]

I feel like I'm slipping away Slowly dying

Except, I'm not It's the opposite of dying

I feel to much, to hard It's chaotic

My heart is in pain Like it's being squeezed by hands My body is burning up Like it's been soaked in gasoline and lit up

And in all this heat of fire I feel cold My pulse beats the shit out of me Pounding out of my body

My breathing is rapid I gasp for air as if there is no oxygen left to take in I keep it in, I hold my breath

Feeling the pounding inside my body Feeling the need to gasp for more air Feeling the need to follow the rapid speed of my breathing

I still hold Silent

The pounding takes its way to my head My face feels warm Like the fire just reached the top of my head

I gasp one more time Feeling the chill down my spine It's this fear you know The fear of letting go

Control

I hold on, hold in I always thought I died inside myself The fact is, on the inside I'm very much alive Too alive

My body on the other hand That's who's slowly dying Slipping away

My bones crack in every movement Surprised it could even move Like an old door that haven't been open in ages make this squeaking noise

All these feelings from my inside is exhausting, and my body is the one who pays the price My body is tired, my inside screams as if sleep is never heard of

Control It's a shitty thing, but it's me

-Enigma

[enigma-88]

One of my shadows

[enigma-88]

Ghost from a past

How can I ever trust again? How can I ever believe anyone ever again? Time has shown me nothing but heartbreak and lies.

Surrounded by ghost from a past My past

How will I know that you're not my ghost? I see my ghost in every face I hear my ghost in every sound I feel my ghost in every touch

So how will I know? That you too are not just like my ghost

Believe your words? Trust your support? Should I just know that you'll always have my back. That you won't stab me as soon as I let go

Would you? If time had shown you nothing but heartbreak and lies. Would you?

- Enigma

[enigma-88]

My tears are invisible My screams are silent My punches are featherlight

I don't exist, not in this visible vast world I exist only inside myself, in this tormented body of mine

I want you to see my tears I want you to hear my screams I want you to feel the weight of my punches

I want you to know that I too exist, Here - in this visible vast world I too have a place, my place

I was told it was dangerous No, not it - but I, I was dangerous I was danger to you, to humankind

My forehead read "DANGER - do not cross"

Did it ever occur to you how a feeling is normal? Every feeling a human carry is normal! Did it ever occur that the only danger I possessed was the danger toward myself?

And did it ever occur that this "danger" was a rescue, any exit from anxiety? Did it ever occur that your fear manifested a fear inside my body toward myself because I believed your words?

No? It just occured to me. Imagine that! I was never a danger to you, nor to humankind. Even if I am a species from another origin I am still no danger!

You see my forehead now? It says nothing. "No danger" But you're still not allowed to cross Not unless I say so

You see my tears now? You hear my screams now? You feel my punches now?

I hope you do, cause I too belong in this visible vast world!

- Enigma

[enigma-88]

I close my eyes Just for a second Only to catch some sleep

The picture arrives Just in a second

I watch myself as I grab it How I let my fingers play over it I feel the adrenaline passing through my body

I can feel its weight in my hand The cold from steel I grab it tighter

And just then, as I grab tighter A single tear falls down my cheek Would I? Yes, I think I would.

I remove the safety I unlock it I rise it up with one hand

I place it facing toward the side of my brain

A tear falls down again Yes, I think I would. It would only take this one second This one heartbeat

"Kaboom"

I open my eyes. I did it. I would do it. And it hurts.

One second, one heartbeat. That's it That's all it takes

-Enigma

[enigma-88]

I feel trapped Not only inside my body but in this world

This vast world with all there is Trapped

I'm floating around in this black hole No ground to lock my feet to No walls to lean on No roof to keep me down

Boundless

I'm just floating around like the man on the moon Only it's pitch black no moon to lighten up

I feel like I'm drowning Suffocated in this blackness I can't see I can't hear

I cry for help Praying for someone Please, rip this place open Drag me out of here

I can't even hear the echo of my own words I am trapped Here, in this black hole

I grab myself Tighten my arms around my own body Only to keep me safe Only to hold on, if nothing I hold myself

As I'm floating around like the man on the moon Just without the moon to guide me home

- Enigma