on the whole crush situation because apparently im 12 and this has taken over my life am i right
so i dont remember if i posted that i, like an idiot, drunkenly messaged him admitting my feelings and p much saying i know its just me i dont want it to be awk i just need to say it
he kind of ignored it for a day, just messaging about normal-ass things and i didnt raise it again
yesterday morning he finally responded what was clearly very carefully worded pretty much saying damn it it’s happened again, i dont have any interest in dating in general, i dont understand it, i love my friends but thats the only way i experience love, and stuff like that. very respectfully worded. said it’s not awkward, if i want to talk about it i can, etc
how did ~~i~~ a person who has id’d as somewhere on the aroace spectrum for the better part of a decade not see THIS
so i message him back saying it’s cool, fine, probably just me having attachment issues (which is probably a true statement) and tell him i’ve been id’ing as ace and probably aro for most of my 20s and thats why this threw me through such a loop, and that it sounds like he’s aro and that’s cool and all that
well actually first i guess you need a little background info here on how he and i became friends in the first place
online community of people who like nerdy-ass shit like crosswords and geoguessr, streamer started doing these things called puzzle hunts which i became OBsEsSed with. basically imagine a weeklong nerdy escape room but 100x more complex? any way, interested people gathered up in vc for them in teams of 5-6 (ususally just 1-2 teams) and it caused a LOT of bonding. like before this in a different discord server, i’d respond “get out of my brain” to some memes (mostly mental illness related) he’d post just jokingly. then in the vc calls he’s there and we keep saying the same thing / typing the same thing / selecting the same exact gif at the same exact moment after a 20 minute lull of silence, etc. it was uncanny. so we started joking we’re the same person. this went on for a little while, not sure when we took it to our dms but it kept getting more and more on deeper and deeper levels (ie trauma, mental illness, etc) and at some point we started vc-ing and watching shows and shit together, but continuing with this joke that we’re secretly the same person and/or share a brain
so anyway, i tell him it cool, i dont usually feel these things since i’m pretty aroace, sounds like he is too
“you’re aroace too? of course you fucking are lmfao”
then we had a good big long talk about sexuality and romantic orientation and he gave me a link to an article on “wtfromantic” and said that’s the best he can find to describe himself
i said im probably demisexual and demiromantic, with the caveat that maybe it could also just be side effects of meds and/or trauma; kind of went down my lgbt history with him about iding as bi then pan then queer then bi then losing all care and emotions and resigned myself to maybe being ace and not even considering it could be demi until all this started happening
so after this whole serious convo i say that im fucking ded bc here i am stressing about how my feelings arent aligned to my id and trying to come to terms with that and get confident enough to say something to be shot down because he’s also fucking aroace
he responds that he took so long to respond in the frist place bc he was trying to figure out how to say it in a non-mean way without getting too into terminology most people dont know or have to get too explainy with it just to find out i already know exactly what he’s talking about
we went on vc last night and i brought it up just to say i hope nothing’s weird and he really seemed unfazed and not awkward and still laughing at us both being on the ace spectrum the whole time but neither of us realizing
and like i wont say im not disappointed, but like i guess this went as well as it could have
i need to learn how to do the ~unfeel~ because there’s no point in dwelling on feels if he is not capable of reciprocating. been researching demi quite a bit more and it’s very me, but also probably will make it harder for me to “get over” the romantic feelings because i have such a hard time drawing the line between close-platonic and romantic love, i guess? and thinking about it, even growing up, i’d always get tiny crushes on my close friends because we were so close, how did i never recognize myself as demi before. like i had a good idea that i was demisexual but never really looked to deep into romantic orientation?
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