Dolent

Just trying to survive what’s killing me inside No hate, just vents/rants 25f, Undiagnosed Pure O/HOCD, ROCD

[ephialtea]

Welcome to watch mojo, and today we are counting down how many obsessive thoughts does it take to make me suffer for my entire life.

[ephialtea]

is this still rocd? Are these feelings even real? Is it what I really want but I just keep gaslighting myself?

A year and month in this relationship with him, almost got broken up with my ldr by a day before our one year anniversary. We had an argument, started with me wanting to receive flowers from him for the occasion. The first time I received it from was February of 2024, I try to be understanding that he couldn’t always provide flowers since he’s in debt but maybe I pushed it too far. He’d send me small treats though all throughout the duration of our relationship. The flowers just bothered me, I keep getting envious of posts from friends with bouquets on hand, being shown off.

He’s been sad lately, explained I’ve been to critical lately which I don’t blame him. I have been genuinely, I do fixate on his flaws, I point out every wrong doing, his mistakes and do it all over again. He possibly might have ADD, untreated. Therapy and medicine would cost that he doesn’t have the money for. I genuinely love him, I just keep trying to change him and he feels guilty for, that he’ll be holding me back.

I was at work when it happened, it was so sudden it made me feel so nauseous reading the text saying he was done. He started blocking me on social medias were connected to, deleting my photos on his phone, and I kept begging to talk even tho he can’t receive those anymore. I felt disappointed in myself too. He chatted me at discord, saying I was right and I deserve this second chance since I’ve given him some.

A month later, looking at ours texts and all, smth just feels different. I’ve only been less critical, not fixated on his wrongs. But I just feel like he loves me less, or hasn’t placed much effort to give me love the way I wanted. He’s still affectionate, gives me reassurance sends me treats still I hadn’t asked for, just doesn’t initiate with calls or video calls, or sends me TikTok/IG couple post, answers less of these couple apps like sumone or candle. Idk, I may be overthinking? He says he still loves me and doesn’t want to give up on us.

I feel like he wants me to breakup first, that I should be done and have had enough. He said he would’ve agreed if I did, only because he cared about my happiness more than his own. Every time we do call, I feel like we’re alright, maybe we just needed to heal a bit from each other’s hurt. But after that, it comes all crashing again, the way he would text me, they feel monotone- like he’s annoyed or smth.

[ephialtea]

my rocd in a nutshell:

me asking my ldr bf if he could post me on ig: *obsesses over how he’s hiding me and doesn’t love me at all to be posted*

*he posted me twice with some sweet captions and songs*

*me now spiraling that he’s an obsessive clingy and abusive creep, he should stop cause it’s freaking me out*

[ephialtea]

Long distance bf and I have been together for 6 months, it’s not getting better with this ocd or if it’s even ocd.

I feel like I don’t love him genuinely, that he’s the wrong person for me, I sometimes feel like he’s the kind of person that would threaten or make me feel bad that he’d do smth harmful to himself if I leave him.

Context was that we had an argument a month before, it was bad. I didn’t reply to his text messages cause I was really mad and so frustrated. We mostly chat in messenger and we have gc in discord and I got a notif from one of our friends complimenting his new pfp. I checked to see he changed his to this anime girl with a rope around her neck and I got anxious. (She didn’t realized there was a rope around the girl’s neck or didn’t see clearly).

I called him, he picked up on the second call and it was around 3-4am his time. Told him to change it, he was sleepy- wasn’t mad but in a sad tone said okay. He took it off but didn’t changed it till the next day.

He reasoned that he’d never do that kind of thing but wanted to remind himself that what he did was smth he should felt bad with and has changed his pfp to that kind way before we met so it wasnt on me.

I wasn’t reassured but he tried to for like three times I’ve asked, he did booked a therapist and said he really did want to change his ways.

I have a hard time believing if he changed the pfp just out of pity for me so I wouldn’t leave, but everytime he says I’m not the reason cause of it. I still think of the latter.

I’m a lot scared, I try not to question much cause I know even I can be overwhelming based from past relationships.

He gets depressed at times and his therapist said he’s showing signs of ADD and complex PTSD. I try to be more compassionate and empathetic but the pfp still lingers on my mind.

[ephialtea]

I feel like I don’t love my bf anymore

[ephialtea]

Is this

Is this rocd? Am I a bad paranoid gf? Am I just overthinking shit? Will this really happen in the future? Would he really do those stuff for me?

I am now dating, he’s 29 and lives in another country so unfortunately it is an ldr. We met through a game and been friends for ig 2 months then he asked me out through his creative breakfast.

I’ve been fine for the couple of months we’ve dated, was just skeptical cause he wasn’t my usual type but I gave him a chance cause the types I’ve “talked” to before ended up being shitty dicks. Me and him do have some similarities and some opposites but here’s the thing with me- I have this whole thing about soulmates, twin flames and shit that drove me to endless search of a s/o and stuff- made me overthink if those things applied whenever I talked to a guy.

That’s what it feels like, if we’re compatible or not. Whenever I don’t think about it- I feel that it’s there lurking- waiting for me to engage and I sometimes do, without even knowing about it. And I hate that, cause I feel like I’m not in control. I’m not in control of my own damn mind and feelings and it’s just haunting.

When we were still friends, he told me about how shitty his dad was to him, his sister and mom. He mentioned that his dad has MS (multiple sclerosis), his grandfather also had it. It’s a disease that the immune system attacks the brain and spinal cord. Apparently it’s common in women and could pass a generic risk if someone related has it.

Now I didn’t even know about MS till he told me, nor talk down anyone who has it but from my understanding- I keep thinking that MS was the reason why his dad kept treating my bf and his family horribly. I don’t know a lot of people who has this, I have read some stuff online that having this disease doesn’t necessarily pass down and only has a slim chance, but I can’t help but overthink that since my bf’s grandfather and dad has this- he might also get it.

I don’t think he has it before but when we’re 3 months in, that kind of thought just popped into my head and I started spiraling. Wondering “if” (which I really prayed and hope he doesn’t) my bf has or gets this- would he treat me the same way his dad did to them? Would our relationship get worse? Should I break up right now?

I hate these thoughts and feelings that lurk, the night that I spiraled- I talked to my bf about it while he was at work. He was patient with me and listened, even reassured me that he feels fine and doing healthy things for him to not have this disease.

I calmed down and just listened to this voice note he left about reassuring me. But fuck, these thoughts and feelings returned, was it the coffee I just drank that triggered me? Is this a specific time thing that happens? Like every problem that comes up to my head needs me to talk to it to my bf and I don’t wanna keep doing it cause even I’m exhausted.

I feel like I’m about to cry cause sometimes he feels like this old childhood home I had but sometimes- fuck

I feel so deranged, a lot of doubts, a lot worried that’s like a spider web just shooting all over the place leading one shit to another and it gets so confusing when sometimes it feels like it makes sense but I don’t want it to be.

Im just torn, I feel happy with him, but these thoughts… these fucking thoughts. Is this really rocd?

If you’re with someone who has MS or knows someone who has it, please I wanna know what it’s like. I just want to quiet these thoughts, it’s overwhelming.

[konoko]

[ephialtea]

I relate so hard to you. I just don't understand how I'm attracted to women romantically and sexually. Yet all my crushes are male. Ive even had a crush on a male lego character. I never had never once thought about a woman that hard. A lot of things around me are outside of my control, and I can't stand my mind betraying me too.

Yes, most of my crushes have been male fictional characters too. I can’t remember that I’ve had a crush towards any female once, not until I’ve got obsessive over it. It doubts me a lot.

[ephialtea]

I feel so sick rn and had to stop working on a project, it’s 2:46 am and I keep getting intrusive thoughts and feelings that I have to “admit” that I’m bi or attracted to women.

It’s too intense, the coffee I had and my period doesn’t really help either. I’m undiagnosed and try to do erp by letting tiktok auto scroll with some vids about w|w just for exposure. It doesn’t help cause then I’ll be thinking about that after watching it.

It feels like I already accepted it, it feels horrible and sickening whatnot. Been only attracted to men my whole life, desiring to grow old with one day.

I’ve put a hold in dating for a while after a hard break up, now this self- healing journey makes it seem like I’m trying to figure out my sexuality and it’s frustrating even though I just want to take my time to heal and fix my flaws. I can’t even do that without sneakily ruminating all the damn time.

It’s just too much.

[ephialtea]

crying and feeling miserable from all the intense thoughts and feelings my so ocd thoughts decided to hit me up the moment I woke up 🥲

I have three projects due this month and I’ve been sluggish and not in the mood to do cause of shit ass ocd.

[ephialtea]

spiraling again and pretending everything’s fine, feeling like it’s not ocd anymore after thinking about my past again- saying that it has “proof” that I’m bi or a lesbian.

God I feel so sick

[ephialtea]

idk if its been awhile or its the coffee, but Im spiraling again.

Was going through netflix, scrolling through what to watch and passed by the watch it again section- there was this movie called Metal Lords.

I’ve watched it before and found it hilarious, it was these trio (2 guys and a girl) who plays metal. Didn’t really thought much about anything when I watched it throughout before, until almost the ending where they played together for a school contest.

The girl friend was wearing this sort of revealing and dark clothes and dark make up, and I started to remember before that I had an intrusive thought and feelings of “she’s hot” and shit. Even spiraled then and tried to push It back, even said to myself that it’s okay to compliment someone like that but I get a lot of alarms in my head saying otherwise. Kept saying that she’s my type etc.

I’m getting sick thinking of it right now and started hating myself for even seeing that title while scrolling through Netflix. My hearts racing, my mind keeps going back to the “she’s hot” part. And I’m getting frustrated, it keeps flashing over and over in my head like I’m gonna remember this forever whenever I see that title again.

[ephialtea]

I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick.

I feel so sick that I have to keep checking his Snapchat and Twitter status but I have no urge to Text him, but fuck I feel so sick. I’m losing my mind rn. I don’t want to completely cut off contact but I don’t want to text him either but fuck why do I keep checking.

[ephialtea]

We ended things last night, ldr was too much for him.

We called one last time, I hated that he had to be gentle with me. It made things so much harder, I feel like I’m on autopilot ever since last night.

[ephialtea]

Hello there :) I'm sorry you're struggling with rocd with your boyfriend, i really relate to your posts about ocd :/ I don't really know what to say except I hope you're doing well today and you're not the only person struggling with that, even though god only knows how it seems like that sometimes 😅

Hello, I appreciate this :) but thank you- I’m still learning a lot from this but too hard to deal with but it’s nice to talk with people who can relate to what I’m going through as well- it still gives me a bit of help so thank you again :)

[ephialtea]

What it’s like when my partner is an “everything isn’t guaranteed”, or “not everything is 100%” type of person and me with undiagnosed ocd:

[ephialtea]

Was in a call from my partner, he asked what I was feeling when he noticed I got all quiet. Told him that I felt a bit scared that we’d drift apart whenever we get busy, even though he’s mostly the busy one.

He did say that he doesn’t want us to, but if we do- then we just drift apart. Hearing it was gut wrenching, my mood went down. I felt depressed at the thoughts of not being with him anymore, those kind of thoughts kept repeating over in my head with more different scenarios.

Now I’m fighting the urge to look up “how to know if we’re drifting apart”