No Apologies.
I know what people must think... What is this creative girl doing with all her cr3@t!ve time?!
She’s got a YouTube channel, a blog, and even a white wall awaiting the splatter of some creative bulimia - and yet, no activity to be seen! Doesn’t she believe in herself, but at all!?
Well, do I?!?!
Yes, I do.
In the most reason season, I’ve been going through the ups downs and downs of transition. And without fail, the reverberating voices of doubt and self-loathing is loud and clear: What are you doing with all your time? You’re a waste of talent. You’re weak!
I often look at my own potential as an un-cashed cheque that the addressee has decided it wasn’t worth the time and effort to take to the bank. Because we all know after about a year, it’s a little embarrassing to ask, “do you think I can still... if I can’t it’s okay but, do you think...Yea?”
The funny thing is:
When I’m in the hot seat, I am not afraid. I know what I am and I know that I’m brave. My hindrance is never in whether or not I can survive the unknown. Sadder than that, it is always in what I worry my friends and peers must think of my decisions. I don’t give a second thought to what my competition may think, because I am confident in my element, and falling flat on my face is not something I’m afraid to do in front of them. But what will my friends think? What if they can’t understand?!
In other words... I care less about winning an Emmy than I do about what Facebook must think about my work that earned me the Emmy...and it is as ridiculous as it sounds.
I’ve done new things. I’ve met new people. I’ve seen new worlds. None of that has scared me. None of that has drained me. Heck, if that were all I relied on for affirmation, I would have ditched it all in the dust and pursued the life of live fast, die young!
To be completely forthright, although i do enjoy the attention in getting someone to laugh, I prefer primarily to be unseen.
I don’t publish 90% of the things that I write and create. My bedroom walls are webbed with random burps of my creative exertion. This is not an attempt to be selfish or self-indulgent; it is in fact, the opposite. It is my attempt to grow. That being said, I do believe there is a right time for every great unveiling. I believe in keeping sacred things sacred. I believe in taking time. I believe in the consistency of integrity, not the consistency of proving productivity.
In the past few years of being told that I am awesome,
I have been encouraged and surrounded by bold, creative people. And I have received all their peps and cheers with an apologetic raise of a shoulder. I was sorry for not doing, being and applying more.
Yes, I am a creative person. Yes, I believe I am a woman of many talents. I don’t believe I need convincing of that anymore (although all the high-fives are welcomed). I am shy, no doubt. I am humble in all the wrong ways; but i also believe there is value to my method. A lot of times, I do hide and cover up out of fear. But in this social-network frenzied generation of overproduction and overrated cry for fame, there is treasure in the cache of the creative closet.
I’ll do what I can with the time that I have. I will be faithful with the gifts that I’ve been given. I will plant a tree and keep cutting my own hair. I know that God knows, and I know that God is faithful to the ones that He trusts. I’ve seen the world, and I’m in no rush. I trust in the stability that I have in the intimate relationships I have built. I have seen what can be done to the pillars of the greatest fortresses, in the full and welling waves of the dark. I tasted and I felt disgust. I am in no hurry. I trust in waiting for the sending out.
Until then, I will stay cozied up in exploration with the one that I trust the most. There is no shame in that. There are no apologies necessary for being faithful, and certainly none for the hunger and desperation in the unseen battles for the audience of one.
Fellow creatives out there! Fellow friends needing encouragement in your pursuits to pursue... Learn from the harmless girl who would not hurt a fly, but only herself. Don’t worry about being the best or the brightest. Don’t shy away in not being the youngest and weirdest. Stop covering up your corrections with “at least I’m the best at...” or “no one can be me like...” excuses, you’re just stumping your growth. Face the criticisms and learn to believe that the reward is not in your hard work being recognized. The point is...
Here’s the point... the point is...
Learn to fight and develop your work ethic. One of these days, it will be your turn, and you won’t even remember why you wanted it so bad in the first place. Enjoy the safety of self-indulgent creativity - creating just for the sake of receiving compliments, because you need to remind yourself that you’re wonderful! I’ve experienced now what it’s like to open up in meekness to a world that does not protect the vulnerable...
...It certainly is a new realm of fun, but only fools run into glass doors without at least some decent padding.
Drawn for me on April 25, 2014.
Postscript: I make no apologies for this post.















