episodies with Me

[episodieswithme]

No Apologies.

I know what people must think... What is this creative girl doing with all her cr3@t!ve time?!

She’s got a YouTube channel, a blog, and even a white wall awaiting the splatter of some creative bulimia - and yet, no activity to be seen! Doesn’t she believe in herself, but at all!?

Well, do I?!?! 

Yes, I do.

In the most reason season, I’ve been going through the ups downs and downs of transition. And without fail, the reverberating voices of doubt and self-loathing is loud and clear: What are you doing with all your time? You’re a waste of talent. You’re weak!

I often look at my own potential as an un-cashed cheque that the addressee has decided it wasn’t worth the time and effort to take to the bank. Because we all know after about a year, it’s a little embarrassing to ask, “do you think I can still... if I can’t it’s okay but, do you think...Yea?”

The funny thing is:

When I’m in the hot seat, I am not afraid. I know what I am and I know that I’m brave. My hindrance is never in whether or not I can survive the unknown. Sadder than that, it is always in what I worry my friends and peers must think of my decisions. I don’t give a second thought to what my competition may think, because I am confident in my element, and falling flat on my face is not something I’m afraid to do in front of them. But what will my friends think? What if they can’t understand?!

In other words... I care less about winning an Emmy than I do about what Facebook must think about my work that earned me the Emmy...and it is as ridiculous as it sounds.

I’ve done new things. I’ve met new people. I’ve seen new worlds. None of that has scared me. None of that has drained me. Heck, if that were all I relied on for affirmation, I would have ditched it all in the dust and pursued the life of live fast, die young!

To be completely forthright, although i do enjoy the attention in getting someone to laugh, I prefer primarily to be unseen.

I don’t publish 90% of the things that I write and create. My bedroom walls are webbed with random burps of my creative exertion. This is not an attempt to be selfish or self-indulgent; it is in fact, the opposite. It is my attempt to grow. That being said, I do believe there is a right time for every great unveiling. I believe in keeping sacred things sacred. I believe in taking time. I believe in the consistency of integrity, not the consistency of proving productivity.

In the past few years of being told that I am awesome,

I have been encouraged and surrounded by bold, creative people. And I have received all their peps and cheers with an apologetic raise of a shoulder. I was sorry for not doing, being and applying more. 

Yes, I am a creative person. Yes, I believe I am a woman of many talents. I don’t believe I need convincing of that anymore (although all the high-fives are welcomed). I am shy, no doubt. I am humble in all the wrong ways; but i also believe there is value to my method. A lot of times, I do hide and cover up out of fear. But in this social-network frenzied generation of overproduction and overrated cry for fame, there is treasure in the cache of the creative closet.

I’ll do what I can with the time that I have. I will be faithful with the gifts that I’ve been given. I will plant a tree and keep cutting my own hair. I know that God knows, and I know that God is faithful to the ones that He trusts. I’ve seen the world, and I’m in no rush. I trust in the stability that I have in the intimate relationships I have built. I have seen what can be done to the pillars of the greatest fortresses, in the full and welling waves of the dark. I tasted and I felt disgust. I am in no hurry. I trust in waiting for the sending out.

Until then, I will stay cozied up in exploration with the one that I trust the most. There is no shame in that. There are no apologies necessary for being faithful, and certainly none for the hunger and desperation in the unseen battles for the audience of one.

Fellow creatives out there! Fellow friends needing encouragement in your pursuits to pursue... Learn from the harmless girl who would not hurt a fly, but only herself. Don’t worry about being the best or the brightest. Don’t shy away in not being the youngest and weirdest. Stop covering up your corrections with “at least I’m the best at...” or “no one can be me like...” excuses, you’re just stumping your growth. Face the criticisms and learn to believe that the reward is not in your hard work being recognized. The point is...

Here’s the point... the point is...

Learn to fight and develop your work ethic. One of these days, it will be your turn, and you won’t even remember why you wanted it so bad in the first place. Enjoy the safety of self-indulgent creativity - creating just for the sake of receiving compliments, because you need to remind yourself that you’re wonderful! I’ve experienced now what it’s like to open up in meekness to a world that does not protect the vulnerable...

...It certainly is a new realm of fun, but only fools run into glass doors without at least some decent padding.

Drawn for me on April 25, 2014.

Postscript: I make no apologies for this post. 

[episodieswithme]

And just like that...

And just like that, it’s over.

It’s been quite a few months now since I have begun taking classes at the Actorium. With just one class left in the module, I’ve decided that it’s time for me to graduate from Meisner, and move on to the other side of the leaf. It’s bittersweet, to say the least. I’ve grown so, SO very much. I’ve still got so much to unpack, and so much air to let out of this bubble heart. I’ve loved every moment on that stage, and every little flicker in the eye of my comrades. In due time, I will share those experiences with my pen - but for now, I’m afraid it will take me a few months before I can hand pick the appropriate letters (and punctuation) out of this big bin of blehs and blarbs.

At the end of it all, I am confident; I am certain. My voice is sharp and my vision is clear. I look into a moment and I see its fragile frame. I can see the chip in the corner, that with a simple breeze will crumble an hours worth of battle.

But this season is over, and I want to get in the game. Lower me in, boss, I’m ready!

Thank you... and I love you too, Nas! :*

[episodieswithme]

Well that saves that discussion... #bohemianlife #hungryartists #excusesexcuses

[episodieswithme]

At 25...I've built my first home. It's 11 am, what have YOU done? #productive25 #milestone #twentyfiveisplaytime #quartercentury #itsmybirthday #lego #legocreator

[episodieswithme]

#thetrio #datewithjamie #viatevere #pizzeria #onthedrive #commercialdrive #vancityeats #vscocam

[episodieswithme]

My mid-week reward #datewithjamie #viatevere #pizzeria #commercialdrive #thedrive #vancityeats #vscocam

[episodieswithme]

3 months later.. Finally got paid for sitting out in the cold lol #backgroundacting #wasitworthit? #wellsee

[episodieswithme]

In love #snowinspring #aprilsnow #letsgohome #roadtrip #leavenworth

[episodieswithme]

Winter is back! #snowinspring #leavenworth #roadtrip #daytrip

[episodieswithme]

My brother rockin' my sexy hoodie. You look good bro. Miss my partner in crime.. Happy national siblings day!!! #nationalsiblingday #brothermine

[episodieswithme]

#easter #bouquet #vscocam

[episodieswithme]

When sleep abandons you, you go for a walk #6am #goodmorningeaster #atroubledheart #justneedssomegreen #justwalkitoff #vscocam

[episodieswithme]

I want to fall in love, Part II.

Indeed, I am learning to love. 

In an earlier post, I had confessed that I had never been in love. I publicly professed to never having fallen, lost or having truly desired to put myself on the line for anything...it was something that for a long time had left me feeling as if was was not being lived...

Find her here.

3 months later...

If you don’t believe in luck, i don’t know what to tell you, because I sure don’t. But I do believe in timing: the alignment of spheres in a divine moment of agreement when the world decides, “she’s ready.” And boy, the voice resounds (thank you Mr. Freeman)! It’s the season of love for this gal!

Before I continue, I would like to provide a preface by saying, I was overjoyed by the response of my friends to the original post! - thank you :). I would also like to mention how surprised I was with the attention towards my longing for a romantic relationship, as to me it was just a secondary thought. My intention was to simply allude to the idea in order to emphasize my deep, ravenous thirst to live and feel to the fullest! I believed that love was what the doctor had ordered! I thought I needed to fall in love os that I could let go, and peel myself naked to a greater intensity of vulnerability. Love, to me, was the only language I could manage to measure something so elusive. Letting go. Being free. Being open. Being scared. Being wholly in need of something that could at any moment be ripped away. Desiring too much of something...

I share Part II with you not because of one particular change in my life, but because when I made the decision last season to commit, it happened. I fell in. WIth an anchor around my ankle, I dove in!!! And a lot of the time, my friends, that’s exactly how I feel - fallen!

As I’m learning to lean more and more into the grain of the fire in my heart, I feel less and less in control. At times, I even feel out-of-body. And it has gotten me thinking: is this right?

The other day, I walked into my Meisner acting class and saw this on the wall.

Olivia (our instructor) said to us, “yea...we were just in the middle of an activity and he got really into it... Anyway, don’t do that!”

This week we were partnered up in an activity called Sit Down. The objective was for one of the actors to keep the other seated in the chair, and for the other actor to get up and out of the chair, using only the words “sit down.” You’d be surprised by how quickly things can escalate and become ferociously aggressive in an exchange like that! I was partnered with this sweet Aussie girl, Josie. We were fire on top of fire! I may have scratched her collar at one point... Oops! But I just remember thinking through it all, “what?...I’m aware of what I’m doing, but I don’t know what I’m doing. How much of this is in my control? Is this just happening, or am I doing this?”

Olivia explained that when she had been a student in a Meisner class, she had been in a partnership where they had expressed the greatest, the most vibrant and dynamic feat of anger in their argument. Their instructor’s feedback was, “great anger, but there was no connection.” She had gotten so angry that there was no actual exchange or relationship in their conversation.

There is nothing that gives me the highest of highs than feeling like I’m in this quicksand of emotion. But it does make me ask, am I even aware of what I’m feeling? Am I present, am I even here? Am I experiencing these emotions, or am I just consumed by them? Who’s taking captive of whom?!

Now back to that Love thing...

We all love, love to be loved, and seek to be overwhelmed by a love. We obsess over love, and we want more, more, more! But could love still be authentic when there is too much? When love is released without boundaries, and definitions are being crossed left and right, does it still land as powerfully as it would have had you been more aware of what was being presented?

To this, I say

fall in love. Fall into it all, but don’t lose that connection. When you fall deeper and deeper into your heart, the passion, and the fire only becomes vacant when unmet by the external connection. Feel it all, but know that there are still borders. Feel that you’re angry, but know that your fist cannot touch that wall. Be consumed and be lost, but be alert to your surroundings and recognize that there is a pocket of safety to be found even in its vastness.

End of Part II. 

[episodieswithme]

It was a gorgeous day #nosarcasm #ineededthis #moodoftheday #vscocam

[episodieswithme]

Good morning, Sunday.

[episodieswithme]

A lot bigger and a little less humble.

[episodieswithme]