epochbrontide

epoch: the beginning of a distinctive period in the history of anything.

[epochbrontide]

What feels like love to me?

How do I feel loved?

When I say I just want to be loved - like it's a simple, easy thing to understand exactly what it is that I mean - What does it even mean to me? I want to be chosen, I want to be considered. I want to be missed, craved, enjoyed. Even when i feel like shit and can't give anything, and when I can give, I would like gratitude. I want honesty and sometimes I want to be lied to if my food is terrible - but make it believable. I want to be held when I feel unlovable, when i cant love myself, I want to be seen for of the all the shit that I am. For everything that I am not capable of bringing to the table - I want to be love through it. For all the things you expect from me that I struggle to bring consistently - be happy when I can, and supportive when I can't. Understand that I may struggle to me your expectations if that is what you decide to place one me. Love me for everything that I am - and make me know it. Force me to know your love for me. Please kiss me and hold me - when you have no idea how to handle me - hold me. Explain to me how you show your love - show me those things as often as you are capable of doing so. Choose me. In the moments that you feel I might need you to - Choose me. Sometimes all I need is the second thought. I will love you where you are - for who you are, and if you are open with me when life is fucking your brain or your heart - I will do my best to support you in the ways that you need. Tell me what it is that you need. I will be here to serve - to ask - to hold - please feel free with me. I want to accept you, I crave to accept everything that you are - as I hope that you will of me as well. I need some amount of special treatment, the same ways that you do from me. I give you more of me than I give to others. More depth, more heart, more acceptance, far more thought and more of my energy. I will be grateful for everything that you gift to me. Maybe I'm cooking and buying groceries - show me appreciation by holding me, kissing me, and gracing me with your touch - recognitions - gifts, special treatment in return(in the ways that are natural for you to present them) What do you need? For all that you give to me - what are the actions that make our union feel balanced? It is natural for me, nay - historical - That I will feel a Cinderella complex as my contribution becomes mainly focused and noted as "household chores, household mental load, groceries, cooking and cleanliness of our shared spaces." My hope is to work together to reroute these negative feelings I have towards these contributions. I want to be enlightened (away from the Cinderella ego), I want to feel that I am an equal part of a balanced team. Not that I serve for you to provide, This is a different feeling if you're able to put yourself into this mindset - you'll understand that it is negative and I am happy to have ideas and ways out of it I want to stand with my Partner, not behind or ahead of. I want to feel that my place is firmly beside you in whatever position I am capable of standing in. This is who I am, and yes, I am absolutely capable of making small changes and adjustments - but my Character, my natural capabilities, my inclinations, and my personality - this is who I am now. Can you accept me where I am now? and most specifically - not accept me with the idea that there is potential for something else, or that there is potential that I am going to be something different than what you have already experienced. Those experiences you have had of me are who I am.

[epochbrontide]

I want to get my words out. I need to help them leave my body

Now that I am in front of this screen, the thoughts are lost. The words that were on the tip of my tongue are barricaded inside.

afraid to come to life but longing to be heard.  Forgiveness and Hope disguising themselves as hate and anger.  

I can not control others, I can only control myself.  I am responsible for myself.

[epochbrontide]

Sometimes I wonder about how my Mom and Dad met.  I have always had the impression that my questions were too prying and to ask.  As though my honest wondering about the mystery of my mother’s life was a sick stalking obsession.  

Here’s the thing though, I’m not sure that I’ve tried to ask either my Mother or Father how they met. 

A new awareness

A lighter step

warmth

compassion.

Things have changed.  

A long period of darkness.

I gave into it and in a way, it was exactly what I needed to do. 

I needed to explore that place.

I needed to explore all of those places.

I needed to see all of it

I needed to sense what I couldn’t see.

I needed to see myself

the one I keep turning away from

the one I kept putting aside

I’m learning to feel myself in my body

I described the change as going from hunched over, looking downwards shrouding my head with my arms, seeing almost a constant shadow and only the ground. To being able to stand up straight, look forward, side to side and all around me, free movement of my arms, a smile on my face.

I don’t even know what to say about it right now.

[epochbrontide]

Worthy

There is something that I want you all to understand about yourself and your peers.  You do not have to share the details of your story or compare your scars to anyone else’s to know that you are worthy of acceptance, friendship or love.  Your story is yours.  Your story is yours to keep or share as you feel prepared, safe and comfortable sharing it.  Your scars are not for comparison.  Your scars and battle wounds are your own personal reminders that you, yourself are a warrior.  You have all survived.  Every one of you is a warrior. and every one of you is worthy of acceptance, friendship, and love.

Love, 

Yourself

[epochbrontide]

It was all a dream

Behind her was the closest exit to the unsafe world outside and down the hallway to the right was the room that she slept in.  The room where she fantasized about growing up to be a young woman for sale - laying outside a shop on a dirty mattress with a number four on it.  Her legs out on the mattress in the shape of a four as well.  She hoped that her legs being spread would let the buyer know that she would be an enthusiastic purchase.  She dreamed of being chosen. She so badly wanted to be picked and loved and kept.

There is so much that little girl learned about love.  What she was dreaming was not of love.  She learned that love is not ownership. It is giving and encouraging of growth, it is acceptance and compassion and so much more

[epochbrontide]

A lot of changes are happening And I am excited

[epochbrontide]

What would I do?/Remember

What would I do if I were completely alone? If I didn’t have family or a partner or friends or acquaintances to occupy my time with.  

What would I do If I I was the only person in my life? How would I spend my time? What would my interests be? would I enjoy painting more often? would I decide to get a cat or dog on my own? would I take vacations alone? where would I go? What would I do while I was there? what would I do?

Remember that you are living your life for yourself, but remember that while you’re doing that you bring joy to others. Remember yourself. 

While new interests arise from the push or thoughts of another person, and they may be things you’d never think of on your own, remember that your ideas are great, too. You can do anything! You just need to follow through.  fuck waiting for the motivation. just fucking start doing it.

and, as always, 

*love*, 

Yourself.

[epochbrontide]

Moving Across the Country for a New Life and Love. {a work in progress}

Yes, I know it’s soon.  Yes, I know it sounds crazy. Yes, I will miss my friends and family. Yes, it feels right. So, now that I have definitely made this decision... where the hell do I start?   I think I will need my vehicle when I am there.  so I will have to drive it across.  A friend gave me the idea of just getting a hitch on my car and towing a small trailer since I don’t own a whole lot of stuff. --Or sell my car, ship my stuff and fly there. (get quotes on this) - but then, I don’t have a vehicle once I’m there. I will start getting rid of things, and keep the money for life out there. Honestly, I don’t know what I would get for the majority of it, since its really not stuff most people are looking to buy. crafty items. costume wear, actual clothes.. random stuff.

tell people... and family.. and then get on it.

[soulful-tree]

[iglovequotes]

[iglovequotes]

[favoritelittlelyrics]

[epochbrontide]

Scaredy Cat.

I am my own safety net. Love, Yourself

[epochbrontide]

Woah.

Yeah, woah is right.  I am a little giddy about my life.  Okay - ridiculously, unbelievably giddy and I love it. Work Front:

I finally got a job in my field - and it’s really great.  Meeting and getting to know so many new people is a little exhausting though.  Trying to be authentically myself at work, while staying appropriate and not divulging too much about my personal life is hard.  The schedule is not like any other that I have worked before, but so far things are going well. Feels Front:

I have been trying to challenge myself over the past year to take more risks and to be okay with rejection, to be less attached to the outcome of events or relationships, and so far it has been really inspiring.  It has helped me appreciate the relationships I have for what they are, where they melt in my life, and to appreciate those people in the relationships for exactly who they are. It has taken me a really long time to love my authentic self.  I’ve spent so many years loving people for who they are, while not loving myself for who I am.  Not loving myself was noticeable, and I’ve been with some people who didn’t love me for who I was either.  As I’ve written before, I was terribly unhappy for a long time, and it took a lot of work to move forward from that. I am so grateful to have had the experiences of meeting people who love me for who I am over the past year, it has been amazing.  It is sort of a reassurance of my own confidence, but sometimes I catch myself wondering if I’m not putting in as much effort towards maintaining my mental health as I was before - because those outside loves are there to love me anyway.  I guess writing that out is a little reminder to not put my love for me on a balance scale with the love I am receiving from others. “Be your own fucking Sun.”  Once in a while I still need a reminder to not be dependent on others and that, ultimately, I am my own source. Depending on someone else, or someone else depending on you to be their source of everything that they need in order to be happy gives me the feeling of being trapped, or constricted.   Being my own source has taught me so much, and it has attracted like minded people into my life.   I have been able to rely on myself to recognize my own feelings, the root of those feelings, and to be the one to communicate those feelings without someone trying to fish it out of me. Gushiness:

Just after New years I took, what to me felt like, a huuuge leap - my heart was pounding, and I sent a message to someone I wanted to get to know more.  The outcome right now has been this: I have had the pleasure of getting to know someone amazing over the last few months.  It has been wonderful.  And sometimes I feel crazy for the thoughts that go through my head when I think about him.  This kind of crazy is a crazy that I’m totally in love with though.  I wont lie, I think we’re pretty fucking great. “and that’s all I got to say about that..” Love, 

Yourself

[epochbrontide]

I used to I feel obliged to stay in relationships (even friendships) because I’m the only one that has changed.

But now I know that if I am changing and my friend or partner is laying the guilt on me because of it, then that relationship no longer suits me.

We can change and become different people, and in some relationships the other person is supportive of your growth. Those relationships are out there.

Love,

Yourself

[dryyoureyes-startbelieving]

[epochbrontide]

Attachment Unavailable

“Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” ~Dalai Lama

If there’s one thing we all have in common it’s that we want to feel happy; and on the other side of that coin, we want to avoid hurting. Yet we consistently put ourselves in situations that set us up for pain.

We pin our happiness to people, circumstances, and things and hold onto them for dear life. We stress about the possibility of losing them when something seems amiss. Then we melt into grief when something changes—a lay off, a break up, a transfer.

We attach to feelings as if they define us, and ironically, not just positive ones. If you’ve wallowed in regret or disappointment for years, it can seem safe and even comforting to suffer.

In trying to hold on to what’s familiar, we limit our ability to experience joy in the present. A moment can’t possibly radiate fully when you’re suffocating it in fear.

When you stop trying to grasp, own, and control the world around you, you give it the freedom to fulfill you without the power to destroy you. That’s why letting go is so important: letting go is letting happiness in.

It’s no simple undertaking to let go of attachment—not a one-time decision, like pulling off a band-aid. Instead, it’s a day-to-day, moment-to-moment commitment that involves changing the way you experience and interact with everything you instinctively want to grasp.

The best approach is to start simple, at the beginning, and work your way to Zen.

Experiencing Without Attachment

Accept the moment for what it is. Don’t try to turn it into yesterday; that moment’s gone. Don’t plot about how you can make the moment last forever. Just seep into the moment and enjoy it because it will eventually pass. Nothing is permanent. Fighting that reality will only cause you pain.

Believe now is enough. It’s true—tomorrow may not look the same as today, no matter how much you try to control it. A relationship might end. You might have to move. You’ll deal with those moments when they come. All you need right now is to appreciate and enjoy what you have. It’s enough.

Call yourself out. Learn what it looks like to grasp at people, things, or circumstances so you can redirect your thoughts when they veer toward attachment. When you dwell on keeping, controlling, manipulating, or losing something instead of simply experiencing it.

Define yourself in fluid terms. We are all constantly evolving and growing. Define yourself in terms that can withstand change. Defining yourself by possessions, roles, and relationships breeds attachment because loss entails losing not just what you have, but also who you are.

Enjoy now fully. No matter how much time you have in an experience or with someone you love, it will never feel like enough. So don’t think about it in terms of quantity—aim for quality, instead. Attach to the idea of living well moment-to-moment. That’s an attachment that can do you no harm.

Letting Go of Attachment to People

Friend yourself. It will be harder to let people go when necessary if you depend on them for your sense of worth. Believe you’re worthy whether someone else tells you or not. This way, you relate to people—not just how they make you feel about yourself.

Go it alone sometimes. Take time to foster your own interests, ones that nothing and no one can take away. Don’t let them hinge on anyone or anything other than your values and passion.

Hold lightly. This one isn’t just about releasing attachments—it’s also about maintaining healthy relationships. Contrary to romantic notions, you are not someone’s other half. You’re separate and whole. You can still hold someone to close to your heart; just remember, if you squeeze too tightly, you’ll both be suffocated.

Interact with lots of people. If you limit yourself to one or two relationships they will seem like your lifelines. Everyone needs people, and there are billions on the planet. Stay open to new connections. Accept the possibility your future involves a lot of love whether you cling to a select few people or not.

Justify less. I can’t let him go—I’ll be miserable without him. I’d die if I lost her—she’s all that I have. These thoughts reinforce beliefs that are not fact, even if they feel like it. The only way to let go and feel less pain is to believe you’re strong enough to carry on if and when things change.

Letting Go of Attachment to the Past

Know you can’t change the past. Even if you think about over and over again. Even if you punish yourself. Even if you refuse to accept it. It’s done. The only way to relieve your pain about what happened is to give yourself relief. No one and nothing else can create peace in your head for you.

Love instead of fearing. When you hold onto the past, it often has to do with fear: fear you messed up your chance at happiness, or fear you’ll never know such happiness again. Focus on what you love and you’ll create happiness instead of worrying about it.

Make now count. Instead of thinking of what you did or didn’t do, the type of person you were or weren’t, do something worthwhile now. Be someone worthwhile now. Take a class. Join a group. Help someone who needs it. Make today so full and meaningful there’s no room to dwell on yesterday.

Narrate calmly. How we experience the world is largely a result of how we internalize it. Instead of telling yourself dramatic stories about the past—how hurt you were or how hard it was—challenge your emotions and focus on lessons learned. That’s all you really need from yesterday.

Open your mind. We often cling to things, situations or people because we’re comfortable with them. We know how they’ll make us feel, whether it’s happy or safe. Consider that new things, situations and people may affect you the same. The only way to find out is to let go of what’s come and gone.

Letting Go of Attachment to Outcomes

Practice letting things be. That doesn’t mean you can’t actively work to create a different tomorrow. It just means you make peace with the moment as it is, without worrying that something’s wrong with you or your life, and then operate from a place of acceptance.

Question your attachment. If you’re attached to a specific outcome—a dream job, the perfect relationship—you may be indulging an illusion about some day when everything will be lined up for happiness. No moment will ever be worthier of your joy than now because that’s all there ever is.

Release the need to know. Life entails uncertainty, no matter how strong your intention. Obsessing about tomorrow wastes your life because there will always be a tomorrow on the horizon. There are no guarantees about how it will play out. Just know it hinges on how well you live today.

Serve your purpose now. You don’t need to have x-amount of money in the bank to live a meaningful life right now. Figure out what matters to you, and fill pockets of time indulging it. Audition for community theater. Volunteer with animals. Whatever you love, do it. Don’t wait—do it now.

Teach others. It’s human nature to hope for things in the future. Even the most enlightened people fall into the habit from time to time. Remind yourself to stay open to possibilities by sharing the idea with other people. Blog about it. Talk about it. Tweet about it. Opening up helps keep you open.

Letting Go of Attachment to Feelings

Understand that pain is unavoidable. No matter how well you do everything on this list, or on your own short list for peace, you will lose things that matter and feel some level of pain. But it doesn’t have to be as bad as you think. As the saying goes, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Vocalize your feelings. Feel them, acknowledge them, express them, and then let them naturally transform. Even if you want to dwell in anger, sadness or frustration—especially if you feel like dwelling—save yourself the pain and commit to working through them.

Write it down. Then toss it out. You won’t always have the opportunity to express your feelings to the people who inspired them. That doesn’t mean you need to swallow them. Write in a journal. Write a letter and burn it. Anything that helps you let go.

Xie Xie. It means thank you in Chinese. Fully embrace your happy moments—love with abandon; be so passionate it’s contagious. If a darker moment follows, remember: it will teach you something, and soon enough you’ll be in another happy moment to appreciate. Everything is cyclical.

Yield to peace. The ultimate desire is to feel happy and peaceful. Even if you think you want to stay angry, what you really want is to be at peace with what happened or will happen. It takes a conscious choice. Make it.

Zen your now. Experience, appreciate, enjoy, and let go to welcome another experience.

It won’t always be easy. Sometimes you’ll feel compelled to attach yourself physically and mentally to people and ideas—as if it gives you some sense of control or security. You may even strongly believe you’ll be happy if you struggle to hold onto what you have. That’s OK. It’s human nature.

Just know you have the power to choose from moment to moment how you experience things you enjoy: with a sense of ownership, anxiety, and fear, or with a sense of freedom, peace and love.

The most important question: what do you choose right now?

http://zenhabits.net/zen-attachment/

source: https://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/x2ktn/letting_go_of_attachment_from_a_to_zen/ This Article.  

Love,  Yourself