Eremophobia @eremophoubia - Tumblr Blog

I wanted you to save me.

I wanted you to destroy me.

Perhaps those two are one and the same.

#thoughts

Perhaps you rebuilt me.

Perhaps you destroyed me.

#thoughts

So I said I was all right.

And this time it wasn’t a lie.

You made me feel like I was enough.

But then you told me I wasn’t.

And I can see the love in his eyes as he looks at me.

And I can finally say the words I’ve held onto for so long.

And I wake up.

And I realize that his love was but a dream.

And I realize that I had imagined the whole thing.

And I realize that I still want what I can’t have.

And I get up.

And I will myself to forget my dreams.

And I feel myself slowly falling apart.

And I act normal.

And I forget.

And I lay down.

And I do it all again.

And it’s strange how some days I feel that I’ve moved on.

I’ve trained myself to not watch you. I’ve stopped feeling jealous when you take interest in other girls. I’ve even made myself be interested in other guys.

But in times like these…when I see other people so happy…I dream of you. Of us. Of what we could’ve been.

And I was so over you yesterday, but something keeps pulling me right back.

I’ve stopped waiting for your texts, but I’m still excited when I receive one. I’ve stopped hoping you’ll notice me, but my heart still leaps when you do. I’ve given up hope for an “us”…but I can still picture it.

#thoughts

#kimi to kiss shitai #makino #manga

acutelesbian

A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life. Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.

fat-thin-skinny

this fucks me up every single time

acutelesbian

I never expected this to be my most popular poem out of the hundreds I’ve written. I was extremely bitter and sad when I wrote this and I left out the most beautiful part of that class.

After my teacher introduced us to this theory, she asked us, “is love a feeling? Or is it a choice?” We were all a bunch of teenagers. Naturally we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we’d never have a lasting relationship of any sort.

She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married and we asked them about their marriages and why it lasted or why it failed. At the end, I asked every single person if love was an emotion or a choice.

Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the “feeling of love” had vanished or faded and they weren’t happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation.

The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with.

The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.

Ever since that class, since that project, I never looked at relationships the same way. I understood why arranged marriages were successful. I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments. I’ve never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I’ve chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days.

I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe can no longer see the stars in my eyes as long as they still choose to look until they find them again.