Erik Sternberger

Public Writing Joke Blog. (I'm on no one's payroll, but I'm open to it.)

[eriksternberger]

Not That Anyone Asked: The Cloverfield Paradox

EMERGENCY ISSUE (EPISODE?) OF NOT THAT ANYONE ASKED! Netflix pulled an amazing coup Sunday by maxing out hype for their new acquisition of The God Particle, I mean, Cloverfield Station…err.. The Cloverfield Paradox. I was honestly, very, very excited.

The first Cloverfield was very enjoyable (more so on repeat viewings) 10 Cloverfield Lane might even be one of my favorite films, and I am such a mark for sci-fi horror that I thought there was no way they couldn’t screw this up. I was wrong. As a movie it’s fine. But, I wanted “Cloverfield”. So, with that in mind. Here is how I would fix it.

Lots of Spoilers below.

The Cloverfield Paradox starts with a great premise if terrible exposition. The good intentions of trying to solve an energy crisis accidentally shattering reality and creating the alternate timelines and worlds that the stories of Cloverfield exist in/on. But, then “things happen” nothing is explained other than the blanked “worlds folding in on each other”.

Weird thing where the movie first goes off the rails: When Schmidt is locked up for punching Volkov by Kiel, the door just opens as if an unseen force let him out. But, this is never explained or questioned. There is no motive, or rationale other than the plot needed him to get out.

More interesting thing, we can play with: In one dimension, Volkov was right and Schmidt was sabotaging the mission. What we don’t yet know is that the door was opened by an “alt Schmidt” and he murders “our Schmidt”. Schmidt then convinces Tam to flush out the system and he’s the one that kills her with the coolant. Jensen and Monk alibi him because he was with them in the lab, and why would he kill his girlfriend?

While trying to fix the ship Mundy discovers their Schmidt stuffed in a wall panel phasing in and out while trying to pull out his body, he loses his arm. An older man appears holding Mundy’s moving arm and presents it back to him. It’s a very old Schmidt that had been stuck in a time-loop and claims the arm is talking to him.

It turns out he is Schmidt Prime and there have been four Schmidt’s running around the station. Schmidt Prime using the years of working on the engine in a loop is able to create distortion pockets and move through time and space. He’d been slowly torturing Volkov by putting worms in him and when discovered he finishes him off by putting the gyroscope in him.

Schmidt kills Mundy with the magnetization bit, and, everyone else manages to kill a few Schmidt’s as Kiel sacrifices himself so Jensen, Monk, and Hamilton can get away. Jensen has convinced Hamilton to stay on her Earth where her kids are still alive and as they are about to get in the escape pod Hamilton realizes that Schmidt Prime is Jensen’s world’s Schmidt and stops Jensen from attempting to kill her which leads to a chase through the station where Jensen kills Monk and then re-captures Hamilton.

Hamilton tricks Jenson and Schmidt Prime into running the experiment the same way they ran it on her Earth and it shoots them back to our dimension. She’s strapped in her seat knowing about the violent flip that previously happened. They aren’t suspecting it, and it kills Schmidt Prime and sends a pipe through Jensen again.

Hamilton feels pity for her and loads her in the escape pod and sets out for her Earth not knowing about the Cloverfield Monsters.

EARTH:

We follow Mr. Hamilton and see the timeline changing constantly as things are in flux until the station gets back and stabilizes its beam. Multiple possibilities. The hospital is gone. Then it is back, then there is a monster, then there are troops, etc. We bounce between multiple realities not knowing which one we end on until we see the Monster at the end during re-entry.

ALTERNATE TAKE:

Hamilton ends up with the alternate crew and has to do morally gray things like Jensen does at the end to get home/back to her crew while being convinced to stay there and be with her family by Jensen. We as an audience have to decide if we are actually rooting for a bad guy, or if what she does is justified to save her Earth vs this Earth.

All the weird things that happen with no one knowing what is going on is being done by her crew that are operating in a dimension where no one can see or hear them, and they are seen as ghosts haunting the station by the “new” crew as they try to make contact with Hamilton.

[eriksternberger]

Executive Orders

From my 2016 NBC Late Night Writer’s Packet. Clearly it can not be used for anything anymore...but, enjoy! “EXECUTIVE ORDERS” January 6th 2016 Erik Sternberger [email protected]

CAST: BARACK OBAMA HILLARY CLINTON BILL CLINTON

TITLE CARD: The Presidential seal on blue background.

ANNOUNCER (VO) And now, a special announcement from the President of the United States.

INT. WHITEHOUSE – OVAL OFFICE – NIGHT

BARACK is sitting behind the desk in the oval office. It’s the current design for the office. We can see that it is night behind him.

BARACK Good Evening, America. I’m taking the time to talk to you while Congress is on one of uhhhhhhh their many breaks. You see uhhhhh recently. I have come under fire for giving an Executive Order to…help with the growing gun epidemic. Now, some people, mostly the Republicans, don’t seem to like it and have taken to saying that I’m acting like a King. I was uhhhhh perplexed as to why, since every President has made Executive Orders. Then, a member of my staff shared this uhhhh meme, I am told it’s called, on her Facebook page.

TITLE CARD: Meme shown that has a picture of Obama sitting above a picture of Reagan The text “Issued 184 Executive Orders” is written on Obama and the text “Issued 381 Executive Orders” is written on Reagan.

INT. WHITEHOUSE – OVAL OFFICE – NIGHT

BARACK (CONT’D) Now, I can uhhhhh only assume that the Republicans are mad that I have not issued as many Executive Orders as President Reagan, who I know they uhhhh greatly admire. So, in order to reach across the aisle, I will be issuing some new executive orders tonight to try to close the gap. So, executive order number 185: From uhhhhh now on, all cars starting with 2017 need to come equipped with the rear-cameras standard. It is a safety issue and should be standard.

SUPERIMPOSE: “Executive Order #185: Mandatory Rear View Cameras in 2016”

BARACK (CONT’D) Wow. Okay, that uhhhhh…that felt pretty good! Let’s go ahead and do another one. No radio channel can switch to Christmas Music until the day after Thanksgiving. That has always bothered me.

SUPERIMPOSE: “Executive Order #186: No Christmas Music Until After Thanksgiving”

BARACK (CONT’D) I think that should help a lot of people. Uhhhh, here is another one: Bringing a bag of chips to a potluck without a dip means you have to go last. You know who you are.

SUPERIMPOSE: “Executive Order #187: Chips Without Dip Eats Last: The Joe Biden Clause”

BARACK (CONT’D) All right, now we are really getting somewhere. Let’s rapid-fire a couple off here. The following phrases are no longer allowed. 188: “Kray”.

SUPERIMPOSE: “Executive Order #188: Kray”

BARACK (CONT’D) 189: “The Feels”

SUPERIMPOSE: “Executive Order #189: The Feels”

BARACK (CONT’D) 190: “Adulting”

SUPERIMPOSE: “Executive Order #190: Adulting”

BARACK (CONT’D) 191: “Grown ass man

SUPERIMPOSE: “Executive Order #191: Grown Ass Man”

BARACK (CONT’D) And finally 192: “Make America Great Again”

SUPERIMPOSE: “Executive Order #192: Suck it, Trump!”

BARACK (CONT’D) I was having a hard time coming up with more orders at this time, so I made Executive Order 193 which allows me to uhhhhhh let other people pitch executive orders to me for approval.

SUPERIMPOSE: “Executive Order #193: Doing a solid”

BARACK (CONT’D) Sasha has asked for the rap group Pro Era to play the uhhhhh State of the Union. Done.

SUPERIMPOSE: “Executive Order #194: Joey Bada$$ in the White House”

BARACK (CONT’D) I also have one here from—

HILLARY CLINTON enters from the right.

HILLARY Excuse me Barack?

BARACK Hillary! What a surprise. America, it’s former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton! Hillary, to what do I owe this honor?

HILLARY Well, Barack, I heard you were doing this today, so I thought I would swing by and see if I could get in an Executive Order. You know, one that could help me with running for President this year?

BARACK Hillary, I uhhhh suppose I could, but first I need to announce order 195, which actually deals with this election.

HILLARY Oh yeah?!

BARACK Executive Order 195…

BILL CLINTON enters from the left.

HILLARY No…

BARACK …A two-term president can run for a third non-consecutive term.

BILL CLINTON turns to the camera with his thumbs up smile.

SUPERIMPOSE: “Executive Order #195: Bill Clinton in 2016”

BILL Admit it, America. You. Want. Me. Back.

HILLARY No, this was my turn! I learned how to smile this time! I can even laugh now.    (Performs a crazy laugh)

BARACK Sorry, Hillary. Now, I just have one last Executive Order: Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night!

SUPERIMPOSE: “Executive Order #196: Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night!”

[eriksternberger]

[eriksternberger]

The Fantastic Four sucks...cinematically. Not really a bold statement. But, the concept, the family, and the villains are all the best in the business. The Fantastic Four are adventures. They are a family of Indiana Joneses, it’s just what they discover and dig up is the Future and not the Past. With that in mind, I want to deconstruct them a little and show why they are the best and why Doom is the scariest mother (shut your mouth) in the Marvel Universe. I’m changing up a few things (It’s mostly set in Hong Kong as a base and Sue and Johnny would be played by Asian actors.) And, yeah I am looking at this reboot as being in the Marvel Universe. So, here is the trilogy Disney/Fox/Marvel will never let me make. Movie 1: We’re 10 years in and The Fantastic Four has defeated all of their foes. We show this by opening on Franklin taking a tour of the Fantastic Four Museum in the building (narrated by Stan Lee!) to show where they are in the Marvel Universe, and how they have just been “out of the universe” during the upcoming Infinity War. Reed is just tinkering and inventing/getting patents for the company and working on secret projects. Sue is mom-ing it with Franklin, Johnny is living the B-Level Celeb life doing Dancing with the Stars (Yes, there will be a “Dancing Superhero” Joke), and Ben is participating in Underground Monster Fight Clubs (Fighting great Kirby Monster creations and battling Dragon Man with a She-Hulk cameo due to being in town for a case.) because he feels like the family doesn’t need him now that the threats all seem to be gone. There are conspiracies as to what happened to all their villains and pockets of paranoia. It turns out Reed built an interdimensional prison with the help of the Chinese. They have all of their enemies being held there away from the public so they can’t escape a thirteenth time. Doom is locked up. Fin Fang-Foom is locked up. Red Ghost is locked up. Namor runs Blue Earth a company focusing on Global Warming’s effect on the Ocean and finds Johnny in a bar after getting eliminated from his show and looking to do something serious and not be a joke. Namor gets Johnny to commit the F4 to help his charity. Namor obviously orders water and jokes about his dad being in the Navy and leaves because his feet hurt due to "new shoes". But, it's all a ruse because Atlantis is seeing issues in the Ocean around China where things keep vanishing or strange things showing up and he wants to see if it’s the Fantastic Four’s fault. Turns out it's the Annihilation Wave coming through the Negative Zone and they are using the destabilization from the prison to get to earth. The Fantastic Four learn about the prison and are not happy with Reed. NamorReed and Sue reconcile in the Negative Zone and have a night of passion. The FF and Namor decide to take the fight to them and disable Annihilus’s ability to travel to teleport through to earth. Knowing he is still out there. TAG: 3-weeks-later: Sue goes to see Doctor Strange because she has a unique problem. She then un-invisibles her belly to show she is somehow 4 months pregnant! Movie 2: Pregnant with a Negative Zone baby Sue has to seek out Doom in the prison, who is the only one that can help her with his magic. Sue breaks him out and he helps her give birth, naming the baby Valarie. The Fantastic Four searches for them, while the harbingers and scouts of Annihilus show up. The Annihilation Wave comes in and they defeat it with the help of everyone in the prison. Doom ends up killing Annihilus and takes his Cosmic Control Rod making him incredibly powerful and he escapes. TAG: Doom clearly has a connection with Valerie, who is quickly growing. Movie 3: The Fantastic Four are busy chasing down all the escaped villains from the prison, which is now known to the public and they have amazingly low popularity. Sue is on the outs, and Valerie is a teenager wanting to get involved in battles, even though she is “older” than her older brother, Franklin. We’d open on a massive Fin Fang Foom battle just for fun. Valerie is acting weird and she leaves to be with Doom as a protege after it’s clear Doom has implanted a suggestion when he birthed her.  The family reunites with Sue to go after Doom, who forms an alliance with Namor promising him Sue after Doom defeats Reed. It’s an all-out battle against Doom for the whole movie over the whole world and multiple dimensions. Add in everyone we can. She-Hulk, etc.

[eriksternberger]

· An ornery lookin’ bear

· Jesus holding a big'ol rock.

· A fuzzy blob (While cleaning my glasses, like a smart person does.)

· Kansas. No. Utah. No. Nebraska. No…what is that State's name?

· Tom Selleck’s Mustache,

· A Spooky Ghost. Everyone else sees it too, they're all yelling “Booooo”!

· Aw hell. It was Montana.

· Giant American Flag. (Dang, I’m facing the wrong way again.)

· One of them floppy eared hats.

· We Love Trump. We Love Trump.

Wait...where was I?

STARTING OVER

· An ornery lookin’ bear...

[eriksternberger]

[eriksternberger]

I wrote a Cold Open for tonight’s Conan for class. Get at me CoCo!

OPEN ON:               INT. TBS STUDIOS - CONAN'S OFFICE               CONAN is sitting at his desk typing on his computer. There is               a knock at the open door. It's ANDY. He's knocking with a               baseball bat. Conan does not look up, so he doesn't notice.                                   CONAN                         Door's open.               Andy looks around, furrows his brow and walks up Conan's               Desk.                                   ANDY                         Hey. Sorry about this.               Andy swings the bat and hits Conan's desk. Finally getting               his attention. Everything goes flying.                                   CONAN                         Andy, what the hell are you doing!?                                   ANDY                         Mr. Ferrell would like to speak                         with you.                                   CONAN                         Mr. Ferrell?                                   ANDY                         Yes. He said it was about a                         financial matter.                                   CONAN                         Fine. Let's go talk to "Mr.                         Ferrell"               Conan and Andy walk out of the room. Andy turns around and               hits the desk one more time.                                   CONAN (O.S.) (CONT'D)                         What the hell?                                   ANDY                         That was for me.               INT. TBS STUDIOS - WILL'S DRESSING ROOM               Conan knocks on Will's door. Andy reaches around him to open               the door.                                   ANDY                         Mr. Ferrell doesn't open his own                         door.               They stand in the open doorway. The inside of Will's dressing               room looks like a backroom bookie's office with chalkboards               that have a bunch of numbers on them and ABRAHAM LINCOLN in a               track suit. WILL is dressed in a suit with a several gold               chains and sunglasses.                                   WILL                         Coco. Buddy. You owe me.                                   CONAN                         What are you talking about?                                   WILL                         December 9th 2005. At the SNL After                         Party. You owe me 5 dollars and 35                         cents from the SNL After Party                         poker game.                                   CONAN                         I barely remember that.                                   WILL                         Let me help.                                                              FLASH TO:               INT. A BACK STORAGE ROOM - NIGHT               Fog lifts from the ground to indicate this memory might be a               little off. There is a poker table in the small back room.               Around the table sit Will, Conan, DAVID ALAN GRIER, A 2-YEAR               OLD-CHILD and someone in a BEAR MASCOT SUIT.                                   WILL (V.O.)                         We were having a friendly game.                         Just Me.               We see Will in his Spartan Cheerleader Uniform and a green               visor.                                   WILL (V.O.)                         You.               We see Conan with even bigger hair and an NBC Late Night               shirt.                                   WILL (V.O.)                         Our host, David Alan Grier.               We see the real David Alan Grier dressed normally.                                   DAVID                         Man, is this the only reason you                         had me come down here? For this?               He leaves. Then pops his head in.                                   DAVID (CONT'D)                         Watch The Carmichael Show.                         Wednesdays on NBC y'all!               He leaves again                                   WILL (V.O.)                         Elle Fanning.               We see a two year old sitting with a massive chip pile.                                   CONAN (V.O.)                         That can't be right.                                   WILL (V.O.)                         And Poker Bear.               We see a man in a Bear Mascot Suit.               Everyone is playing poker.                                   CONAN (V.O.)                         But, where does the 5 dollars and                         35 cents come from.                                   WILL (V.O.)                         I bought your lunch!               Conan takes a bite of a sandwhich.                                                               BACK TO:               INT. TBS STUDIOS - WILL'S DRESSING ROOM               Conan is pulling out his wallet.                                   CONAN                         Oh. Sure. Do you have change?               Conan hands Will a $20. He doesn't take it                                   WILL                         You forgot about the vig.                                   CONAN                         The vig?                                   WILL                         Andy hit the door.               Andy hits the door with his bat.                                   WILL (CONT'D)                         With interest you owe me...Andy?                                   ANDY                         $25,618.39                                   CONAN                         Andy, why are you on his side.                                   ANDY                         To be honest, I just got caught up                         in all the fun.                                   CONAN                         Look, Will, you have clearly just                         gone method from your new movie The                         House.                                   WILL                         The House?                                   CONAN                         Yes, the movie you made with Amy                         Poehler and Jason Mantzoukas that                         opens next weekend.                                   WILL                         Ah, shoot, Conan. Maybe you're                         right. When did you say that movie                         opened again?                                   CONAN                         Next Weekend.                                   WILL                             (breaking character)                         To the camera.                                   CONAN                         The House opens next weekend.                                   WILL                         Will you show a clip later?                                   CONAN                         Sure.                                   WILL                         Make sure I look good in it. I                         don't care about the other two.                                   CONAN                         I only have whatever the studio                         sent over.                                   WILL                         Okay, then. I guess I can forgive                         the debt.                                   CONAN                         Thanks.                                   WILL                         Can I keep Andy?                                   CONAN                         Until the show starts.                                   WILL                         Deal.               Conan leaves shaking his head. Will turns to Andy                                   WILL (CONT'D)                         Andy, I'm hungry. Go get all the                         M&Ms from Ha Ha Tonka's dressing                         room.                                   ANDY                         You got it boss!

[eriksternberger]

I rework the series to be a 3 Arc structure totally leaning into Danny being a fair-haired white boy. The Big Want would be Danny reconciling his two worlds to work in harmony. Act One: (5 episodes) Danny is back! He is reinstated at the head of Rand, all corporate/sibling/dad/Colleen stuff stays. Danny has NO ANGST at this point. He knows he is The Iron Fist, but doesn’t understand what that means. He just thinks it is cool. He is a 10-year-old boy in a man's body and makes decisions as such. He does not understand complexity at all. He thinks he has won when he get's his daddy's desk. (Mirrored to liberal trust fund college kids) Davos tries to bring him back to the monastery, which he left when he found out he was going to have to be in a tournament to the death because killing is wrong. (black and white views) but they are kidnapped. Act Two: They wake up and they’re in an Immortal Weapon's Championship Battle, which is held every 15 years (lifted from the Matt Faction story a bit). Danny learns the true weight of being The Iron Fist and what responsibility really is. He is already a bad ass kung fu dude. He learns how to heal and use his powers in different ways. Davos is killed by the Big Bad (who cheats) in the tournament going into the final round setting up what you think is the standard "revenge the friend" thing. But the hood comes off and it's Davos! The Big Bad was killed for cheating in the tourney and Davos was brought back to life by The Hand (which we know makes them nutty). Danny is forced to put him down. Colleen and her Clan come in and break everyone out taking out Gao. During this time, everything goes to hell at Rand like in the show based on Danny's Decisions. Act Three: Danny comes back and must purge his whole company of The Hand not knowing who is a friend or who is a foe. Putting his true friends back together and eventually stopping an invasion at the gates of K'un-Lun (Led by Bakudo, until Harold, kills him during the battle becoming the new head of The Hand) with the help of a massive glowing chi dragon that he controls with his Kung Fu channeled through the magic city. Harold tries to talk him into ruling K’un-Lun together, but Danny finally realizes Harold isn’t his “father” Ward tries to talk Harold out of leaving, and Harold kills Ward. Joy sees this and kills Harold. (Now having been killed by both his kids!). The Hand kneels. Joy is the new head of The Hand. They collect Ward’s body and leave. Danny is very weak after his fight and can't make it back to K’un-Lun. He sees a corrupted Davos walk past him heading into the city with Gao, but is too weak to stand. As he's passing out in the snow (mirroring the start of his journey) He wakes up to Claire talking to someone: "I thought you would want to see this. Sorry, poor choice of words." Matt Murdoch then comes into frame. "I see a lot more than you think." The final shot is Danny in DareDevil Vision, and you see the power just running through him with his hands and dragon glowing.

[eriksternberger]

A new series discussing what I would do if I was able to chart a course, re-write, re-concept, or pitch any unavailable concept in pop-culture that I will (likely) never work on. EPISODE 1: ALIEN’S FUTURE (what I would do) I love Alien, and while I appreciate the world building that has gone on with the last two films, I would love to bring the series back to its roots a bit more. Thinking about how each of these has built on different groups of people, themes, settings, I thought it would be fun if the next movie brought back the dread that has been replaced by David’s malice and it started as a Ghost Ship like mystery. So, read on knowing there are some spoilers for Covenant. The Covenant has not been heard from in several years. Assuming it is a technical glitch, the follow-up mission to bring more terraforming machines and technical crews/2nd wave crew goes forward as scheduled and they find the ship’s beacon in deep space. The Covenant is operating on Emergency Power and is tethered to a massive spaceship and being used as a lure. They wake up Daniels and Tennessee to see what went wrong. Daniels freaks out warning everyone about David, but they discover they’re alone. David and the colonists are gone. The area where the colonists were is now similar to David’s cave. They bring full power up to the ship and suddenly it is being pulled into the massive ship. They can’t get to the other ship and get it detached in time and they are forced to land inside of the massive hanger damaging the new ship. They see all kinds of other smaller ships around. Daniels decides to look for David and get revenge, hoping that some of the colonists are still alive, while the new crew goes to see if there is any tech they can grab, and Tennessee’s group tries to fix the ship and get it ready to take off. 

The Tech group discovers weird chambers and weapons that are technologically amazing, and can’t figure out how the crew could have lost a battle. Daniels’s group find the crew area, which has now been turned into a full face-hugger nest. They sneak through, but one of the newbies disturbs an egg causing chaos as everyone scatters. Daniels runs away and stumbles over the ripped off head of David. Her team is hunted down one by one by a handful of xenomorphs. Daniels gets back to the ship, and it turns out this crew has an Android as well, but it’s the Ash model. (CGI and de-aged like Kurt Russell!) They connect David’s head to Ash’s reserve power cells (now having a second head attached to him.) and he tells them that 4 years ago another ship came upon them. A ship of warriors. He had unleashed his perfect creations upon them and it was beautiful. He was using Daniels and Tennessee as a lure to bring in more travelers, but it didn’t matter because he had done it. He finally bred perfection and she had killed him, completing the circle from his killing his maker. All Gods are killed by their creations.

Just then the Tech Team comes upon a queen, which slaughters half of them, even with their new weapons. From this point on, Act 3 is all classic Alien with the Hunter and the Hunted, combined with being on a Ghost Ship as everyone tries to find safe places to hide while trying to reconnect and get off of the ship. (Which at this point, you should know is a “Predator” ship, even though we would NEVER see a Predator, only artifacts and maybe armor. This is not a Predator movie in any way, but a little continuation of world-building without a 10-minute monologue or flashback.)

It ends with either just Daniels or a couple of survivors taking an escape pod and ending up on the planet they originally set out for, but they are not sure where and they have no way to contact anyone and start a new independent colony.

[eriksternberger]

Here is a second piece that I submitted in my NBC Packet this past year. I was asked to put together a piece about a possible recurring character. So, I present you with: The Door Man

              EXT. TRUMP TOWERS - DAY

              STOCK: FRONT OF THE BUILDING SHOWING THE SIGN

              FADE IN: front doors of trump tower STAGE SET

              Behind police barricades, MIKEY, ALEX, and MELISSA are               dressed as Secret Service agents huddled together going over               procedure.

                                  MIKEY                         With the President here today, we                         need to secure this whole sidewalk.                         Take care of anything suspicious.

              They nod and wander off to their posts revealing KYLE,               dressed as a doorman, standing behind them.

                                  KYLE                         You got it!

              Kyle straightens his vest and starts "patrolling". Strutting               back and forth in front of the doors. CECILY walks up,               carrying a large HEART SHAPED BOX OF CANDY.

              Kyle stares at her.

                                  CECILY                         Benny...can you get the door?

                                  KYLE                             (starts to open the door)                         What's in the box?

                                  CECILY                             (beaming)                         Chocolate! I got it from a secret                         admirer at work today.

              Kyle closes and blocks the door.

                                  KYLE                         Secret? What kind of secret?

                                  CECILY                         Just, a secret, like they don't                         want me to know who it is, yet.

                                  KYLE                              (Takes the candy)                         So, this could be from anyone?

                                  CECILY                         I guess. Although, It was probably—

                                  KYLE                              (rips it open)                         Probably an ISIS terrorist! This                         could have ricen!

              Kyle starts inspecting each piece of chocolate.

                                  CECILY                         What the hell!

              Mikey, Alex, and Melissa run over and pull Cecily off of               Kyle, giving her back her chocolate.

                                  ALEX                         We're sorry, ma'am.

              Cecily huffs and storms in, opening her own door.

                                  MELISSA                         What the hell were you doing?

                                  KYLE                         Securing a suspicious package.

                                  MIKEY                         Benny, you're only here because The                         President insisted you be part of                         the front door team! You worry                         about opening the door. We have                         everything else.

                                  KYLE                         But, President Trump told me—

                                  MIKEY                         Doors. Only.

                                  KYLE                         Doors only.

              Mikey, Alex and Melissa walk away as Kyle broods. Just then a               PIGEON hits the glass door, alerting Kyle.

              Kyle spins to see a pigeon standing on the concrete

                                  KYLE (CONT'D)                         Thought you could get past me,                         bird?

              INTERCUT: with PETE, dressed as a pigeon, and Kyle

                                  PETE                         Where'd that invisible wall come                         from?

                                  KYLE                         You're trying to sneak in with the                         bird flu, aren't you?

                                  PETE                         I'm pretty dazed but is that dude                         talking to me?

                                  KYLE                         Well, these doors are mine!

              Kyle pulls out a gun. And aims at the little pigeon.

                                  PETE                         Oh, crap!

              Kyle fires and the little bird goes up in a huge explosion of               feathers. He is instantly tackled by Mikey.

                                  MELISSA                         Gun!

                                  KYLE                              (getting up)                         It's okay, I took care of the                         intruder.

                                  MIKEY                              (holding the gun)                         How did you get this through                         security?

                                  KYLE                         President Trump gave it to me.

                                  ALEX                         I find that hard to believe.

                                  MIKEY                         You're lucky you're his man, or                         you'd be on your way to an                         undisclosed location with a bag                         over your head, right now!

                                  KYLE                         Can I have my gun back?

                                  ALEX                         No!

                                  MELISSA                         Look, you...stay in this square. Do                         not leave this square, and just.                         Open the door.

                                  KYLE                         Got it. This is my square.

              Mikey, Alex and Melissa walk off. Kyle patrols his square and               BECK walks up, shirtless as Putin, carrying a metal suitcase.

                                  BECK                         Benny! Benny, how are you doing?                         Did you get your gout looked at?

                                  KYLE                         Wow, Mr. Putin! How'd you know                         about that?

                                  BECK                         Don't worry about it. I'm expected.

                                  KYLE                         Okay, Vladimir, but you know, I                         have to look in your suitcase.

                                  BECK                         Of course, of course.

              Beck opens the suitcase and it glows a pulsating green light.               Kyle looks in, and then opens the door.

                                  KYLE                         Have a nice day.

                                  BECK                         You're the best, Benny.

              Kyle is happy and chipper, when suddenly he stops and               squints. KEENAN has walked up in African robes, with MICHAEL               and SASHEER in suits. Keenan stop, seeing Kyle.

                                  KEENAN                         Oh no.

              Kyle tackles Keenan. He jumps up triumphant when he's               restrained by Alex. Michael and Sasheer help up Kennan.

                                  MIKEY                         Damnit, Benny, you just tackled the                         President of Botswana!

                                  SASHEER                         This is unacceptable!

                                  MICHELLE                         Sorry! We will be sure to—

              ALEC appears as Donald Trump walking out of the doors.

                                  ALEC                         It's so loud out here, I can't                         focus on how to outlaw sherbet.                         It's not natural. No one can even                         pronounce it. Shurbert. SirBert.                         Terrible. Just eat ice cream.

                                  MIKEY                         Sir, your door man, has accosted                         people that live here, shot birds                         and now tackled President Khama.

                                  ALEC                         President Karma, It's too bad you                         were tackled, but you have to                         admit, this concrete is the best                         concrete you've ever been on. Super                         concrete. Everyone says so.

                                  KEENAN                         My whole left side is numb.

                                  ALEC                         Fantastic. I'll see you inside.                         Agents, can I have a moment to talk                         to Benny?

                                  MIKEY                         Of course sir.

              They leave. Alec looks like he's going to be harsh on Kyle,               until he's sure everyone is gone.

                                  ALEC                         Great work. Keep it up.

              Alec gives Kyle a NEW GUN.

                                  ALEC (CONT'D)                         Let me know when Kanye shows up,                         he's helping me beef with North                         Korea.

                                  KYLE                         Yes, Sir!

              Alec goes back inside as Kyle starts playing with his gun.               Spinning it, and tossing it hand to hand, but he drops it and               it goes off.

                                  MELLISSA                         GUN!

              Mikey launches and tackles Kyle.

[eriksternberger]

Not Quite the AV Club

I was able to pitch an idea to the AV Club before their new talk show launched about what I would be like as a writer. I might have gone a little too John Oliver with this, but I still like it. I hope you do as well. INT. STUDIO

JOHN

HELLO, I’M JOHN TETI, AND THIS IS THE A.V. CLUB SHOW. IF THERE HAS BEEN ONE TREND SWEEPING THE NATION LATELY, IT’S HEROIN.

[OTS: HYPODERMIC NEEDLE with a BAGGIE]

JOHN (CONT’D)

BUT, LIKE THE REST OF AMERICA, WE’RE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT THAT. WE’RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE RISE OF BOX SUBSCRIPTION SERVICES.

[OTS: A FRONT DOOR AND WELCOME MAT WITH A PACKAGE ON IT]

JOHN (CONT’D)

THE EASE OF INTERNET SHOPPING, COMBINED WITH EVERY PERSON ON SOCIAL MEDIA SCREAMING THAT THEY’RE AN INTROVERT

[OTS: A 32 THINGS ONLY INTROVERTS UNDERSTAND POST WITH 5,000

SHARES]

JOHN (CONT’D)

HAS LED TO MILLIONS OF AMERICANS CHOOSING TO BUY PRODUCTS BLINDLY AND HAVE THEM SHIPPED TO THEIR DOOR AS OPPOSED TO BEING FORCED TO INTERACT WITH THE GENERAL PUBLIC WHEN PICKING OUT THE SPECIFIC TOMATO THEY WANT.

[OTS: A BIRCH BOX PACKAGE]

JOHN (CONT’D)

IT STARTED INNOCENTLY ENOUGH WITH WAYS TO SAMPLE BEAUTY PROJECTS, BUT THEN IT EXPANDED...

[STACKING OTS: LOOTCRATE]

[STACKING OTS: BLUE APRON]

[STACKING OTS: BARKBOX]

JOHN (CONT’D)

WE NOW GET BLIND BOXES WITH TOYS, MEALS, STUFF FOR OUR DOGS...

[STACKING OTS: SAY IT WITH A SOCK]

[STACKING OTS: STITCH FIX]

[STACKING OTS: FAB FIT FUN]

JOHN (CONT’D)

SOCKS, THINGS TO FIX OUR SOCKS, AND EVEN BOXES TO BE ACTIVE, JUST NOT ACTIVE ENOUGH TO PUT SHOES ON OUR SOCKS AND DO OUR OWN SHOPPING. AND I GET IT. I REALLY DO. IT’S A WAY TO GET A PRESENT EVERY MONTH. PRESENTS USED TO BE RESERVED FOR

OUR BIRTHDAYS.

[OTS: PICTURE OF A SPOILED 8 YEAR OLD SURROUNDED BY PRESENTS]

PRESENTS ARE THE REAL REASON YOU DRIVE THREE HOURS THROUGH THE SNOW AND QUIETLY DRINK YOUR EGG NOG WHILE UNCLE TIM RANTS ABOUT WHAT’S WRONG WITH AMERICA EVERY CHRISTMAS.

[OTS: HOLIDAY SETTING WITH A DRUNK UNCLE YELLING]

JOHN (CONT’D)

SPOILER ALERT: IT ALWAYS RHYMES WITH ‘LIMIGRANTS’ WE DON’T EVEN CARE WHAT’S IN OUR PRESENTS, WE JUST WANT THEM. PEOPLE SAY “I WANT STUFF, BUT I DON’T WANT TO PICK IT OUT; HERE’S $19.99.” AND THEY GET A “LIMITED EDITION” PLASTIC FIGURE OF SAW GERRER’S THIRD LIEUTENANT FROM ROGUE ONE AND A T-SHIRT THAT YOUR OFFICE SECRET SANTA WOULD HAVE BOUGHT YOU, KNOWING NOTHING ABOUT YOU OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT YOU LIKE “THE STAR WARS”.

[OTS: A HAPPY OLDER LADY HOLDING UP A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS

“LOOKIN’ FOR LOVE IN ALDERAAN PLACES”]

JOHN (CONT’D)

HEY, AT LEAST SHIELA TRIED TO THINK OF YOU, YOU GAVE HER A GIFT CARD TO CHEESECAKE FACTORY LAST YEAR AND SHE’S LACTOSE INTOLERANT.

[OTS: SAME OLDER LADY, NOW SAD HOLDING UP A GIFT CARD”]

BUT WE COME BACK TO GIVE OURSELVES THESE HALF-THOUGHT OUT PRESENTS WE DON’T NEED MONTH AFTER MONTH. AND IF YOU SUBSCRIBE TO ONE BOX, ODDS ARE HIGH THAT YOU SUBSCRIBE TO AT LEAST ONE OTHER SERVICE. YOUR MEDICINE CABINET IS FULL OF UNUSED ONE OUNCE SIZED CHARCOAL INFUSED HAND CREAMS,

[OTS: A MEDICINE CABINET FULL OF SAMPLE SIZE BEAUTY

PRODUCTS”]

JOHN (CONT’D)

AND YOUR DESK HAS MORE BOBBLE HEADS THAN TRUMP’S CABINET BEING ASKED IF THEY AGREE WITH SOMETHING PUTIN DID.

[OTS: VIDEO OF A DESK LINED UP WITH TCHOTCHKES WITH

BOBBLEHEADS NODDING “YES”]

JOHN (CONT’D)

PEOPLE EVEN FILM THEMSELVES OPENING THEIR BOXES EVERY MONTH AND PUT THE VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE, SO EVERYONE ELSE CAN SEE WHAT THEY GOT.

[VT: YOUTUBE VIDEO COLLAGE OF PEOPLE OPENING THEIR VARIOUS

BOXES]

JOHN (CONT’D)

WHICH, IF YOU’RE PAYING ATTENTION, IS THE SAME THING EVERYONE ELSE GETS THAT SUBSCRIBES TO THAT BOX. BECAUSE IF THERE IS ONE THING WE ALL LOVE AS AMERICANS IT’S STUFF. ESPECIALLY STUFF ABOUT THE STUFF THAT WE LOVE.

[OTS: BREAKING BAD APRON THAT SAYS “I COOK”]

IF THERE IS A SECOND THING IT’S BEING TOLD THAT WE’RE SPECIAL, EVEN IF WE’RE THE ONES THAT HAVE TO TELL IT TO OURSELVES—EVERY MONTH—WITH A PAIR OF SOCKS THAT HAVE SLICES OF PIZZA ON THEM.

[OTS: SOCKS WITH SLICES OF PIZZA ON THEM]

JOHN (CONT’D)

NOW WATCH THESE COMMERCIALS, AND BUY THIS STUFF.

[eriksternberger]

Back before the election I was toying with writing a full scale political revue to be done at MadLab called “Your Guide to Knowing how to Check Your Gun’s Gender in an Elementary School Bathroom”. Included was this Drake parody about the disappearance of The Middle Class and the Wage Gap. Sadly, timing and casting didn’t work out.

In other news, I think all white people should say “neighbor” in place of The N Word when singing along to rap songs. Sing it with me!

Started from the middle, now we here. Started from the middle now my whole class drop to here. Started from the middle, now we here. Started from the middle now my whole class here, Neighbor Started from the middle, now we here. Started from the middle now my whole class here, Neighbor Started from the middle, now we here. Started from the middle now my whole class drop to here.

I done been in debt since the jump. Braces as a kid meant student loans as adult. I was sick of renting. I Wanted to own. Near some good schools. House to make a home. Mortgage holder callin’ me like where you at? We gave you the keys, but we can take it all back Neighbor, I don’t even know where it goes. Bear Sterns goes belly up, well there goes Suzy’s college fund. Cause we

Started from the middle, now we here. Started from the middle now my whole class drop to here. Started from the middle, now we here. Started from the middle now my whole class here, Neighbor Started from the middle, now we here. Started from the middle now my whole class here, Neighbor Started from the middle, now we here. Started from the middle now my whole class drop to here.

When I was a boy I knew how to be a man. Say I’d work real hard then retire, yeah I doubt it neighbor. I sit my boy down and tell him like a man. There ain’t really a chance of livin off my savings, neighbor I just pay the credit when it’s due. I'mma pay the min, an’ leave the interest for you. Neighbor, just as a reminder to myself. I lock every single chain, even when I’m in the house. Cause we

Started from the middle, now we here. Started from the middle now my whole class drop to here. Started from the middle, now we here. Started from the middle now my whole class here, Neighbor Started from the middle, now we here. Started from the middle now my whole class here, Neighbor Started from the middle, now we here. Started from the middle now my whole class drop to here.

No new neighbors, neighbor we don’t need that. Don’t you rent to no renters what’s your appraisal? We Don’t want you taking down our home value. Mortgage under water, I never changed it.

No new neighbors, neighbor we don’t need that. Don’t you rent to no renters what’s your appraisal? We Don’t want you taking down our home value. Mortgage under water, though I never missed a payment! Cause we

Started From the middle, now we here. Started from the middle now my whole class drop to here. Started from the middle, now we here. Started from the middle now my whole class here, Neighbor Started from the middle, now we here. Started from the middle now my whole class here, Neighbor Started from the middle, now we here. Started from the middle now my whole class here, Neighbor

[eriksternberger]

Can We Impeach Him for That?

I’ve decided to start posting sketches and jokes from packets that did not get me jobs, but that I’m still really proud of. Here is “Can We Impeach Him for That?!?” a game show for #SNL from my 2017 NBC packet where I pretended Keanu Reeves might be hosting. Let me know what you think! CAN WE IMPEACH HIM FOR THAT?!?

INT. - GAMESHOW SOUNDSTAGE

Standard SNL game show setup with a big screen on the left, with a host stand next to it. There's an open space leading backstage under a large sparkling sign that says "Can We Impeach Him For That?!?" To the right, there are three lecterns with KEANU, VANESSA, and MIKEY standing behind them.

DARRELL (V.O.)

Welcome to America's hottest new game show: "Can We Impeach Him For That?!?"

SUPERIMPOSE: Animated logo for Can We Impeach Him For That?!?

DARRYL (V.O.)(CONT)

And now, here's your host: Hillary Clinton!

KATE runs out on stage dressed as “Hillary Clinton” holding a long game show microphone.

KATE

Hey America! I'm Hillary Clinton and this is "Can We Impeach Him For That?!?" The game show, where every week I have a panel of experts take a look at all the things Donald Trump has done in the last 7 days and ask if he can be impeached for that.

KEANU

I thought I was here to win a dream vacation.

KATE

We all are. Now, lets meet our panel. They’re all new again this week, because there has not been a winner since November.

Kate walks over to Keanu and awkwardly leans against his lectern to interview him.

KATE (CONT’D)

David Jorgenson, a Political Science Professor at Northwestern University. How ya doin'?

KEANU

I'm a little confused as to why I'm here.

KATE

The only reason to do anything: to win.

(looks at notecard) It says here you like jigsaw puzzles.

KEANU Yes.

KATE

Oh, boy. David, I've been working on a puzzle for months that I just can't figure out. Do you know what puzzle that is?

KEANU

Yeah, I think I do.

KATE

Great! So, this week Donald Trump tweeted at the Prime Minister of China that "China celebrates New Year 28 days late 2 try and manipulate world currency. Dancing dragons really just people inside. China Lies!"

A graphic of Trump's tweet is shown on the big screen. Kate turns back to Keanu

KATE (CONT’D)

So, Can we impeach him for that?

KEANU

Aren't I supposed to ring in or something?

KATE

Just answer the question.

KEANU

How is this a game show?

KATE

Oh, for god's sake.

Kate slams his buzzer for him, setting off sound and lights.

KEANU

Okay. Well, no. It's ignorant, unethical, unpresidential, and reckless as hell, but not technically unconstitutional.

Kate looks very disgusted and walks to Vanessa.

KEANU (CONT’D)

Did I win anything?

KATE

No, David. We all lost. (to Vanessa)

Sarah Pendleton, you're a homemaker from Iowa who is active on social media.

VANESSA

Sure am. I have three great kids at home and I love sharing my experiences as a mom!

KATE

That's great. I'm a mom. Hey! Did you see this story on Tuesday?

A graphic from an online news source is shown stating that Trump was caught in a sauna with Putin eating a puppy with a photoshopped image.

KATE (CONT’D)

So, whatta you say? Can we impeach him for that?

VANESSA

Do I...

Kate slams Vanessa's button down. Setting off sounds and lights.

VANESSA (CONT’D)

Yeah. Hell yeah! That's terrible! Why haven't I seen that reported on? Typical media.

KATE

So, you'll share it?

VANESSA

Of course!

Kate starts doing a fist pump like celebration.

VANESSA (CONT’D)

Wait...what site is that? Can we zoom in?

The screen zooms in and we see the web address is imadethisallup.info

VANESSA (CONT’D)

That's a fake news site! I can't share that.

KATE

(dejected)

Didn't stop you before the election.

Kate walks over to Mikey

KATE (CONT’D)

Contestant 3#. Arkady Klitchen. Our first foreign contestant ever on the show.

MIKEY

(heavy Russian accent) I am wary happy to be here.

KATE

You're from Russia. That's exciting.

(mugs to the camera with a wide-eyed smile and looks at her blue note card)

So. It says here, that you're a "hacker"?

Da.

Go on...

MIKEY

KATE

(smiles even bigger)

A graphic comes up on the big screen that says "Tax Returns?"

KATE (CONT’D)

(to self)

Come on. Give momma what she wants!

The screen now shows Donald Trump's Tax Returns.

KATE (CONT’D)

(elated)

Can we impeach him for that?!?

MIKEY

Da, if you look at page 5-

Suddenly the display screen goes to static and BECK walks out as “Mike Pence”. He whispers to Mikey as Kate is crestfallen.

KATE

Don’t do this to me again, God.

MIKEY (CONT’D)

I must go. I am new Homeland Security Chief.

KATE

(to self)

You are a Phoenix. You’ve come back from worse. Burn and rise. Burn.

And. Rise.

Mikey leaves and Beck takes his place at the lectern.

KATE (CONT’D)

What the hell did you do that for, Mike? You'd be the President if Trump was impeached.

BECK

Because without Trump to focus on, people would be able to see what a total piece of crap I am.

KATE

Good point, you're a terrible human being.

(turns to audience)

Well, we’ll see you all next week, when we again try to answer the question:

KATE/AUDIENCE

"Can We Impeach Him For That?!?"

SUPERIMPOSE: Animated logo for Can We Impeach Him For That?!?

DARRYL (V.O.)

All contestants on "Can We Impeach Him For That?!?" Receive the home version of the game, and the Popular Vote.

[eriksternberger]

#JustGoAway (to prison)

George Zimmerman is auctioning off the gun with which he killed Trayvon Martin, making him the new record holder for Auction Done in Bad Taste. When reached for comment, the previous holder shrugged saying "Well maybe one of my other daughters can make a sex tape with Ray-J."

[eriksternberger]

You have arrived, not that it matters in the grand scheme of things.

Everyone is all excited about Morgan Freeman being available as a GPS voice, but I'm still waiting on a Werner Herzog version. "Take the next left. It will give you a momentary sense of control in the inevitability of death being the final point on your life's journey. Also, there is a Dairy Queen, so you can get a sweet treat."

[eriksternberger]

Orange is the new Red

Yesterday, Donald Trump denounced The Pope and said that he should pray that Trump is elected President. The Pope explained that Catholics generally pray against brightly colored rulers.

[eriksternberger]

Supreme Joke

The most shocking part of Justice Scalia dying is that Thomas didn't just follow suit out of habit.