recently, i've been experiencing an overwhelming state of awareness. i can feel my anxiety, depression, and self-worth literally pulsing in my veins -- screaming for my attention. i wish there was a manual on how to shut my brain off. but now, more than ever, it's become apparent that the only way to deal is to work through these feelings. lately i've come to embrace solidarity. i don't feel like joining in on conversation. i find most topics to be superficial and tend to disagree on everything. idk i've changed. i can feel the shift in me. i notice friends and family looking for the old me but that person is gone. that person was ignorant and unconcerned. and now i'm hyper-aware and it's scary as shit. ignorance is bliss. i lose myself easily. when i was little, my mom would say things like: - "when you get married..." - "i hope you find a husband who will take care of you" but none of those things are certain. it was this false sense of security that i felt entitled too. it's laziness. it teaches you to wait around till your rescue. it really fucked me up. nothing against my mom. it's just i wish i knew i always had the power and ability within me. i guess that's something you have to learn on your own. something my therapist said the other day really helped. i tend to diminish my self-worth by putting intellect on a pedestal. but she told me something like, "there is no trait that makes one person better than the other. you are a loving and caring person and that is just as important if not more important than intellect." -- "you can scour the world in search of someone deserving of your love, but no one is more deserving than yourself." idk. i really liked that. it's a nice reminder. so. it's a new year. but this is the first me. i'm learning how to put myself first. i'm getting to know me. develop who i am. make my own decisions. feel ok doing things on my own. i want to feel comfortable and confident being me because i'm allowed to. i never had that platform before.
