[escaping-the-buried]

Better By My Birthday

Start: May 3, 2026 End: August 7, 2026

There are 13ish weeks until my birthday. I'd love to have some really lofty goals but I already know I get burnt out when I do things like that. So, here's my top three things that im sure are doable but still feel challenging to me.

INCOME

🌱$200 in bank account

How? : Survey sites and twitch streams for tips (i know this is lame but I have to start somewhere)

HEALTH

🌱Feel more energetic

🌱Total 500k steps (tracked here)

How? : Drink more water, OMAD, less sugar and carbs (but not restricting entirely), gentle yoga and walking in place.

TOUCH GRASS

🌱Walk to the park alone

How?: Starting with 1 minute sit outside most (if not every) day(s). Eventually go to mailbox. Then around block, etc. So, more time, farther distance. I'm really ashamed about my agoraphobia developing so much over the last three years but I miss my solo nature walks.

Tools I'm Using:

💫 Finch- self care and meditation

💫Gogh/Think Divergent -body doubling

💫regular old journal- affirm the person I want to be through philosophizing, commonplace, vent, etc.

💫Tumblr -motivational reblogs and logging progress every day

[escaping-the-buried]

one conversation with my brother and i immediately feel frustration and condescension from him. how does he DO that? i'm honestly just impressed at the speed at which he manages to make me feel terrible.

thankfully, i'm feeling pretty happy today and strong against his attacks but goddamn

[escaping-the-buried]

Another beautiful sunny day. I even turned on the AC.

I had the house completely to myself and had a really nice time. It felt good to just breathe, be myself without worrying about conflict for once. Family has been getting increasingly problematic about political issues and its getting so stressful to navigate even basic conversations.

But today was good. I took a shower shortly after waking, I got some good coffee, I sang a bit of karaoke. I finished my watch of Project Hail Mary! It was really good. I was really nervous the ending wasn't going to be happy but it was really good. So happy we're letting our sci-fi be hopeful again because the cynicism is tiring.

Other than that I played a bit of my cozy game and listened to the Le Seraphim albums my brother let me borrow months and months ago. Very fun sound, very poppy of course but also a little bit ravey sometimes? Regardless, very fun vibes. Im excited to finish the pile (he got literally all of them which is hilarious given he doesn't care about k pop at all EXCEPT for this one specific group. Do I know why? Absolutely not. But I am amused.)

I watched Vanillamaces new IKEA vlog too. She's hilarious and it helps me feel like im getting out of the house even when im not lmao. Very much needed. I fear I have a parasocial relationship with this woman. It really does feel like facetiming a friend and she's just so genuine. Love her. 🫶

I snacked on chips, jerky, and some pistachios but I am STILL hungry. The appetite thing is swell i guess except I'm afraid I'm overeating. I need an actual whole meal for today but since its my brother's friday (and I think the start of his vacation?) he might order something? So im waiting for him to finish his shower before I grab ramen or something.

I may update later, I may not, but I wanted to recap my day while I thought of it. Oh, I also painted my nails my favorite shade of green which I haven't done in forever too! It's silly but I feel more "clean girl" and motivated when my nails are done. I feel like I even move differently? Maybe its the Vanilla energy lingering lmao. I definitely dont feel as depressed when I put the littlest bit of energy into myself and I think thats a good thing.

Ok, bye for now. 💫

💸 - $0

☕️- snacks,big dinner, drank enough water, 1178 steps

🌲- opened window

📚- didnt read (unless we count fanfic.....which i might be)

[escaping-the-buried]

Today went ok. I felt motivated to do stuff which might not be a good thing (sudden urge to avoid thinking about things I dont want to) but I managed to do laundry, take a shower, do some life planning, and even read which i haven't done in some time. I can probably attribute some of the good mood to not feeling sick today and also how nice the weather is. Nearly 90 degrees already! Insane. Having the windows open and hearing the bustle of people helps a lot.

Other than that, pretty chill. I'm watching Project Hail Mary finally and I already like this protagonist way more than the Martian's. No, I haven't read the book yet but I might after watching. We'll see what I think by the end of it.

Only ate one meal but I snacked a bunch at the end. Ironically thinking about cutting back has made me eat more than when I was just apathetically hating myself. But I guess having an appetite again is probably a good sign.

Started to use Gogh again too. It's helps to know other people are also focusing and it motivates me to actually do something instead of just think about it. Found some really cute rooms too. Ideally, id find a group thats on regularly so I have a consistent group. Again, we'll see.

💸 $0

☕️ - drank enough water, unknown steps (forgot to wear watch)

🌲- opened my window and stood in the doorway lmao

📚 -Family Business by Jonathan Sims

[escaping-the-buried]

omg wait thank god it's not mothers day. that's next week. guess i have time to make her a little something. that makes me feel a bit better. <3

[escaping-the-buried]

a brief update:

so I was sick with earache/migraine all day yesterday (again). i have those a lot, so not surprising but still annoying. my course of action on those days is to lie in bed and try and sleep it away. but unfortunately it means i essentially skip life for a whole day. but if i dont do that i puke all day instead! still puked twice but it could have been worse.

today has gone better. it's definitely not a productive day by any means. i woke up, mom was kind enough to order me breakfast, then we played our game together. i also dont feel like dying so yay!

it's also mothers day but my broke ass has nothing to offer her. and that makes me feel like shit. i should at least tell her happy mothers day even if i dont have anything.

i hate feeling like such a lost loser anymore. i've run out of excuses that sound plausible. i'm just genuinely pathetic.

but that's what this is for. to motivate me to change and keep changing instead of giving in to it.

so, that's what im going to do. wish her happy mothers day. clean up my desk of old cups and trash. do the dishes. make my bed. maybe read a book or something. shower. keep moving and not let myself keep the day at zero.

we're also going to visit family this weekend and then go to a funeral week after next. i don't ever leave the house so it lowkey stresses me out. sucks it has to be under such sad circumstances. also trying not to stress about how im going to be perceived by family i havent seen in ages. i'm literally in the exact same position i was years ago when i saw them last. but that's literally not the point of it at all. it's not about me and how i feel. it's to honor someone in the family that's passed. i've realized i do that too often. make things about me when it's genuinely not. and if they do ask what i've been up to it won't change anything. it's just small talk.

i'm so tired of overthinking everything. i'm really trying to not care anymore. of course that leads me more into apathy territory but maybe i'm leaning far one way and it'll correct into balanced behaviour at some point? fingers crossed.

[escaping-the-buried]

A sorta intro

no elaborate info post for now. just decided to make another sideblog on a whim. falling for the lie of "maybe if I make my progress public it will keep me accountable and we'll succeed!"

I've been down this road many many times. but I need some sort of stability and motivation right now because life feels grim and dark and I need to remember why im still trying.

so, this is a lot of daily mundanity with some spurts of philosophy and crisis thrown in for spice.

I really do want to get better. they say when you've hit rock bottom the only way is up.

Im also obsessed with Magnus Archives currently so I may reference parts of my depression as the entities because its objectively hilarious and it also keeps it from feeling like its just me and its actually something outside of me trying to fuck me over.

some vague goals:

-having a structured day again. I've let myself just amble through my days in a haze of gaming and snacking for months. nothing complicated, just like a morning routine and a bed routine of a few tasks each. still to be decided.

-clean my room. or at least get my piles more piled instead of strewn about when my cat knocks them over. and take those old dishes and cans downstairs. it makes me feel awful when im stepping over crap.

-write again. drabbles, poetry, quotes i like, venting, etc. I've not been journaling for a while and its something that feels like me and when I dont do it I feel very detached. not that I really feel like anyone right now but I used to like it. trying to get back to things I used to like. also a healthier alternative to brain rotting games/insta reels.

-more water. less random binging if I can. I go days without eating enough then get these bursts of eating stupid stuff and thats lame. so, eat more regularly and stay hydrated. its not perfect but its something.

-shower once a day and swap pajamas. its easier to do all my hygiene at once and not put it off. would wearing actual clothes and doing a full routine twice be better? yeah, but we're going from zero, so anything is an improvement.

In fact, thats it over all. Just slightly better than yesterday. The job hunting, finding my purpose, being closer to my ideal self stuff will have to wait. I just want to be slightly better now so i feel like a person again. Get out of the apathy death knoll.

[fruitzzone]

one of those quotes that always hit hard