Hey! I just found your blog and I've gotta say, your analysis for the characters and episodes are incredible! They're so engaging and interesting to read through-- the one about the promise episode hit close to home since I identify myself a lot with Catra. Is there a list of all the analysis posts you've done for She-Ra? I'd absolutely love to read anything else you have looking more in depth into the show!!!
Hi, thank you for your kind words of encouragement!! ... And for reading my blog!!! Also, thanks for asking this question... I've been meaning to make a proper list, I just keep forgetting to do it.. 💜🤔💜🚨
Here's an impromptu list for the meantime:
Shadow Weaver's Death, Her True Abusiveness, and Her Final, Beautiful Gift to Catra (A look at Shadow Weaver as the main villain of SPOP)
Promise... Why Can't You Just... Promise? (Discussing s1e11 as an extremely important episode of SPOP)
How Corrupted Catra Knows ALL of the Princesses Dirty Little Secrets (how Catra returning as Corrupted Catra gave her deep knowledge about She-ra's past, present, and possibly, the future war with Horde Prime.
The Catradora dream theory 1 & 2: (How Catra is able to appear in Adora's dream to ask her to dance again, and to save their love):: Short: Visual Parallels:: and How the Dream is Canon Catradora Romance 💞 (quick guide)
Long: What if it's Adora's... and Catra's, Dream? (Understanding Adora and Catra's shared dream simulation as a part of their epic love story!!! ❤️🏳️🌈💞).
AMA- is Catradora a emotionally healthy relationship, how Adora is wrong, and her arc as a Hero of Love-
AMA- Light Hope's manipulations of Adora as part of the First Ones evil plans, and how Adora nearly kills the love of her life because of it-
Entrapta's Arc!! Wooo ✨Science ✨🧬 🧪🔬 🚀 ☺️
Catra is magic (and her violence is about everything but being violent
Endgame: She-ra's epic conclusion revisited in an emotional meta retelling that shows the show relied on no miracles, it's just that good
MEME's n' fluff: She-ra is a lesbian, Aimee is funny, Glimmer doodle1, Glimmer doddle 2, she-ra synthwave
🍋 CITRUS 🍋🟩anime explained. !!NEW!! Can Mei ever be a good partner to Yuzu ?
All links are on Tumblr. Happy reading!! 😊🤞
That's about it for now, but I should have more analysis up soon!! Please feel free to keep sending me questions everyone! As always, keep it real, and Data Never Lies!!! 💜😁💜✌️
Heya 😄✌️Feels like time for something lighthearted, so here's a music post for a change. These synthwave songs have lyrical elements so beautifully She-ra they have me dreaming of SPOP at every listen! They're also just really neat songs (synthwave may be fringe, but She-ra is very 80s vibe even in the modern version) (META list at bottom, fyi)
All of these songs have non-specific pronouns, so they're great for boppin' along to no matter who your lovely(s) may be! First song is very She-ra and/or Catradora, songs 2-4 are a bit more Catradora centric. I hope you enjoy! 🎶
Will you be here with me ?
So come on-
For a love everlasting
To the future, build it with me
For a love everlasting
We're more than ordinary people
Who are you?
We could be rock and roll heroes
Yeah, we could be tough superheroes
Imagine it, no one could be us-
We all crave love that's what we're after
So why destroy love that's what I'm asking you
You - you can be free in love
Change what's gonna happen
Just stay strong and tough enough
To fight what's really happ'nin
Take this chance to take a look
And feel the life(beat) in your heart
Papu-pu-pu-pu-pumpin' all the power you need
Let's. Start. Now.
I wake up every night where the dreams are the same
Taken by my fear with a different face
They can drag me to surrender, I won't change
Chased down by a car without a hand at the wheel
Crash into my heart and I got nothing to feel
And I raise my hands as daylight breaks the chain
All I want to know is-
Are we back now fighting from the same side ?
Come back and wonder why we believed
We could be stopped?
'Cause we have each other, it's never easy
But it's right for us
'Cause when the light falls upon the water
Showing me that we have this love to fight for
And all the clouds need these days to trust you
I'm afraid the fall couldn't get much higher
When the storm comes right above us
Let the trust that you'll keep me undercover
When the rain starts to drag us under
Promise me that we'll fight on together
Till the storm is over
Thanks for the read, or better yet listen!! I'm no music nerd and these are just songs I personally enjoy so if you didn't like them that's ok too 😅 !! Thought I'd try something new is all 🤷♂️. Also, feel free to check out the following metas on my page:
Shadow Weaver's Death, Her True Abusiveness, and Her Final, Beautiful, Gift to Catra
"Promise" Why can't you just... Promise? (Why Catra decides to cut ties with Adora)
How Corrupted Catra knows ALL of the Princesses Dirty Little Secrets
Stay tuned to my page for more metas and SPOP appreciation, and I hope you're having a great day today! 🏳️🌈💞✌️ -EtheriaDearie
As we should all know by now, She-ra leaves Netflix tomorrow.
We don't know its fate yet, but yes, this blog will remain a She-ra blog on main. Also, consider taking steps to continue access to the show (I did). ☠️
I'm thinking about posting my discussion of why Adora struggles with the need to please others and why Catra needed to restore the meaning of love which she had lost sight of, essentially dealing with the psychological toll of orphan abandonment disorders.
There's also about 10 other drafts in my folder waiting for work.
Sorry for the lack of updates, I'm dealing with both physical and mental issues while trying to manage financially supporting myself, I do still think about this show every day and want to write more about it!
Thank you, Friends of Mara! Be strong, be brave, and let's talk soon! 💜
Endgame: a meta emotional exploration of how SPOP's perfect ending relies on no miracles
So, we pick up our story where we left off; Shadow Weaver is dead, having given Catra her chance to save Adora... and to save their love. One final monumental task lies ahead of them, which will determine the fate of the universe...
Adora's final burden weighs heavy, too heavy, and she is sick. Sick in her body from Horde Prime's virus, but also sick in her soul. Years of believing that she must carry the world's burdens that seem to get ever heavier and injurious have left her weary and predicting her own failure. This final task seems all but assured to destroy Adora, as the cruelty which is the universe keeps on telling her that she alone is the hero, and must do what must be done, never mind the consequences to her own life. And Horde Prime has her, his final cruelty is invading her body and weakening her at a time when she needs to be strong... stronger than she has ever been before.
But Catra is here, her beautiful friend who she loves and yearns for. Things are bad, but at least they're together... she looks over at Catra as she carries Adora towards the Heart, seeing a look of total focus and determination. This look is intense, it is Catra's everlasting determination to care for and support her friend, no matter how sick she may be, or how dangerous her final task.
It's a look that Adora has seen before; someone so intensely caring for her above all other things. It happened to her before when Angella bravely flew up to remove the sword from the portal, to protect her. And this isn't the first time Catra has shown this look of care for Adora. But this look is well known to Catra... as we've seen this look before: from the people who cared for Catra during her darkest hours...
This world was cruel to Catra, more so than anyone else in this story. She was always singled out for hurt, her torture both physical and mental, nothing ever seemed to go her way, nobody ever seemed to see her pain. Darkness has chased Catra her entire life, wanting to swallow her up, vanish her into its silent oblivion. And yet, in that darkness, the light still shone down on her. As alone as she ever felt, as misunderstood as she thought she'd always be, those few who cared for her saw her pain, and took care of her. Maybe they couldn't understand why she hurt so bad, lashing out at them in response to their caring for her... and why she always hid the pain, unwilling to acknowledge it, never discussing where the hurt was. But they saw nonetheless, and so they cared for her.
I am, of course, speaking of her two dearest friends... Scorpia and Adora.
TW: discussions of call of the void, and implied discussion of the "s" word and "s" missions etc.
Both of them have shown this exact emotion of care for Catra: Scorpia, at the end of White Out, picks Catra up to carry her to safety, having just watched her friend nearly give up her life because she was so desperate to not lose Adora again. Scorpia decided then that she wouldn't let the darkness swallow Catra up, even though her friend seemed to care not if she had died that day.
And then, again, inside the portal dimension, a reality created by Catra when she pulled the switch, desperate to the point of mentally broken from all of the abuse and heartbreak she had suffered, as the world collapsed around them Adora refused to leave Catra behind. In a moment of ironic payback, Adora picks up a stun rod and shocks a disbelieving Catra: we see Adora first carry her unconscious form with worry and care, and then with unrelenting determination she pilots the skiff, outrunning the burning darkness of the collapsing reality which Catra was so determined to stay in, to die peacefully in its embrace.
And so now the time has come for Catra to pay it all back, to give her best and truest heart in protecting and supporting Adora, the love of her life, and her salvation. Catra knows Adora is hurting, and that the darkness of the void is near. Catra knows what Adora is feeling because Catra has gotten to know that darkness intimately... it has been with her all of her life, especially close these last few years when she thought she had lost Adora forever. She knows the signs well... and she sees it in Adora.
This darkness that chases Adora is a monstrous thing, and it has Adora firmly wrapped in its grip. The abuses of their traitorous stepmother still weigh heavily on Adora, she's never been able to get free of the hurt that Shadow Weaver poisoned her with, it is ever with her, consuming her self belief and destroying her hopes. And Horde Prime's virus infects her, along with his taunting words of her unworthiness as a hero who's destined to fail. But Catra is here, she sees Adora's pain and she's prepared to give her heart and her soul to help Adora overcome it.
Catra doesn't yet know how she can help her friend, her dearest love, with this. She just knows that it's the right thing to do, and somehow, someway, it's her that can help Adora overcome. Catra may have had to fight hard to help Adora be free from Shadow Weaver’s intentions to sacrifice her, but her work is not yet done: Shadow Weaver, in her final moment, told Catra that she is the key to Adora being strong enough to survive the Heart.
It was a gift won out of her determination to face ‘destiny' down and not let it take Adora from her, to call out the darkness that was Shadow Weaver’s manipulations of the two of them, done to give their selfish and abusive parent more power at the cost of the girls' lives. So now, as Catra carries Adora to the heart, she is decided: she will stay with her, and find a way to save her, or die trying. Just like how Adora and Scorpia were unwilling to let Catra be swallowed up by the darkness when she was living without hope, Catra will do the same for Adora, no matter what it takes, no matter how heavy the burden placed on Adora may be. Catra will find the strength to lift that burden and save her, because Adora cannot do this alone... the pain and fear Adora feels is too great for her to overcome alone.
Adora smiles fondly at Catra, who breaks her furious determination to smile back. Adora is so happy that Catra came for her, that she got to see her again. Catra cocks a conspiratorial smile, she's happy, too.
They are momentarily overcome with surprise, seeing that they've reached the Heart. Here they stand, together, at the end of the world... they share a smile, as this is how it should be. Adora stands free of Catra, looking to her in thanks, and trying to will herself into confidence. It takes a moment for Catra to drop her worried look, she knows Adora is still in danger. But she smiles back, wanting to encourage Adora by letting her know that she believes in her. Adora focuses, shows her determination. All that separates her from success and redemption is one final transformation as She-ra... and she is determined to succeed. It is her duty, and fate, she has continued to believe, has brought her here. It was always going to come down to her and this moment, to stop Prime and end the war. She tries to summon the sword...
... Disaster. She can't overcome the virus, as she focuses her magical power, it just opens her up to attack and the virus spreads further into her body. Adora realizes she can't do it, all of her fears are true. She's just a lonely girl, inconsequential and caught up in a heroic destiny she was never worthy of. Adora has always believed her burdens would be the end of her, many times she felt she stood at death's doorstep, and this time is no different... cruelty became a fact of life for her. She screams out in pain as the sickness invades her further, and Catra grabs ahold of her, trying to understand what is wrong, so she can help her.
Adora looks at Catra, she knows she can't hide this from her. She tells her she can't transform, tears forming in her eyes. Things are bad, like she feared they would be. Adora sinks into the belief that she is no hero, it's been a lie all along. She's a fake, getting the sword must have been a mistake after all, a perversion of the First Ones bringing her to Etheria to be their weapon. And she can't even become She-ra... Horde Prime has taken that from her.
As virus spreads into the heart chamber, Catra looks up at it in realization... time is short. Prime is moments from taking everything away from them... she looks on as Adora tells her the full truth: she can't become She-ra because of Prime's virus. Dismayed, Catra tries to understand. She asks if the failsafe won't work without She-ra. Adora looks grim, not meeting Catra's eyes...
Catra sees Adora go inward, shutting her eyes, accepting her dark fate. Catra sees this and understands: Adora is accepting her death, and the void that now calls to her. Her face shows weariness and resignation, Catra knows these feelings well and she's fearful for Adora.
Adora centers her belief long enough to summon the failsafe. She can still do one last good thing for everyone, and fulfill her duty as she dies. She's so tired... it's been a long and exhausting journey ever since that moment when she decided to seek out the sword, leaving her dearest Catra behind in doing so... she didn't realize it would all end like this, with such... finality. A history, and a fate, from which she could not escape. Mara's kind words speak to her, to believe in love, and to not give up, as well as Catra's, asking her to dream of their future... but they are not enough. Her burden is too great, the hour is too late, and Horde Prime is too cruel for her to surpass... so she will do what is needed so that everyone else can keep going without her. She can't let the universe be end like this, it would be amoral for her not to sacrifice herself, after all... She looks to Catra and tells her: "No. It'll work." She doesn't need to live through it for the failsafe to deploy... then everyone is safe and she can finally... rest. She puts on a determined face for Catra... this is how it's got to be, she won't fail now. She tells Catra to leave her to her final task, her solitary burden she unwittingly accepted when she took the sword. Catra shouldn't have to pay this burden as well, and she hopes against hope that Catra will find a way to live on without her.
Catra looks on as Adora does this. She is crestfallen, and knows Adora is telling her that she will die. Catra can't just let Adora accept this... it's not fair for her to just stop living without ever having begun in the first place. She challenges Adora instead... "Adora... what is going to happen to you?" She needs Adora to say it, so she will see it too. So she can see just how unfair this is...
Catra faced down death, refusing to die so many times, just to get to this point. And Adora needs to understand how important it is to fight against those who would kill you as she did. It was never a choice for Catra, death was always near, starting that day they strayed into Shadow Weaver's chambers, and if she hadn't had the will to fight, to desire her life and her own worth, death would have swallowed her up long ago. In those times when she hurt so bad, and death felt so near, all that Catra could do was to scream back with fury and defiance at that void, her anger willing herself to find a way to keep on living just a little bit longer. Even when she knew she had lost all hope, she refused to quit and let that void win, as that felt too wrong to bear... and so she persisted, no matter how she could. At times, even she has faltered... nearly giving in, but it kills her most of all to see Adora so close to give up, now.
So, how? How can she convince Adora to fight with all of her worth, to refuse to give in, when Adora is so decided in her mind that she is destined to die?
Adora walks away, afraid of what Catra is telling her, because she doesn't see a way to make Catra's belief real. She's so... weary... and so alone. She's glad Catra came back so she could see her again... but this is her end. She's She-ra, and this is the way it's got to be. She turns back to her, telling her she's sorry, her eyes brimming with tears, she's so full of remorse and hurt that she can't be with Catra, she knows she's failing her... again, like she did so many times before. Catra is so beautiful to her, she always has been, and she really is all she's ever wanted... but it's too late.
She tells her that they are out of time, and now she must do what has to be done, she will save everyone in this one, final, selfless act, her payment in trade for being the supposed hero that she is. She walks forward and cradles Catra's head in her hands, pulling her forehead gently to hers... one final act of affection... but not a kiss. A kiss would be too cruel, as she knows she must leave Catra now... so she pulls her hands away from Catra, and she tells her that she is ready to die, she is very brave...
… As Adora tells her she must die, Catra has gone... elsewhere. Her eyes are not seeing, no, her mind is inward, racing, searching for a way to keep Adora from dying. She cannot believe this can be Adora's end. How can this be it? Shadow Weaver told her in her final act that there is a way, and the one thing Shadow Weaver was good for was her knowledge... she's just got to find it to help Adora, find the way to strengthen Adora's belief, to undo all of the hurt and manipulations that Shadow Weaver, the First Ones, and Horde Prime put into Adora, making her believe she must die... but she just, can't see it…
She's still in this daze of concentration when she feels Adora's hands gently touch her cheeks, caressing them affectionately, pulling her head to hers. Adora looks... so exhausted, and saddened. Catra's eyes flare in surprise at Adora's touch, she didn't even notice she had walked over to her, this is all happening too fast! And Adora will slip away from her if she fails in this moment, she knows that. As Adora tells her she's ready to die, then pulls her hands away, she knows this isn't right. She grabs them, clutching them tightly as she looks Adora in the eyes, showing her determination to not give up. It isn't right for Adora to have to die like this! And if Adora can't see that, she's got to find a way to make her. So she tells Adora she won't leave, and declares her decree of love instead, it's all she can do is stay with her, to find more time to rescue the love of her life.
"No... No. I'm not leaving. No matter what happens, I'm staying with you!"
Adora cries out mournfully as Catra refuses her plea to leave her... she knows Catra is choosing to stay with her, because she doesn't want to live without her. And this means she is choosing to die as well... as Adora knows she's not strong enough to do this right, she's only a failed hero. But she knows it's Catra's choice to do this, and she understands that Catra is being brave... Adora turns to face the heart once more, trying to be brave as well.
As Adora turns and faces her burden, Catra stands closely with her. She wants so badly to love Adora, and protect her, so she reaches out and puts her hands on Adora's shoulders as a token of protection, to let Adora know that she has her, and supports her. Adora is the most important thing Catra has ever known, and her love for her is unending.
Image overlay meta HERE
Catra got so scared, back when Adora left her... scared that Adora had become a foolish, self involved girl lost to the naive idea that she had some special importance as a destined hero, who was never going to stop to think deeply about what was really going on around her. She didn't seem to see Catra's love, her romantic desire... instead chasing the imaginary standards Shadow Weaver and other's laid out for her, but those were merely manipations meant to use her, nothing like Catra’s love. But that's all done now, Catra has seen Adora's strength, her generous spirit and her heroic determination to always make things better, she'll never leave her again. Catra watched on as Adora was always an open book, so earnest to please others, and because of that, Catra knows she has been hurt. Catra knew better than Adora, she knew to fight against such hurtful people, but Adora just wanted to be loved... yet she didn't understand what love was, and has always felt scared and lonely because of it. She is delicate, and innocent, even now, after all of her battles and growth as the legendary warrior known as She-ra.
Catra knows all of this about Adora, because she was there all along, loving her. And because of that she's always known Adora best... even back when she fought against her, full of anger that Catra had to feel weak from love... she knew she was lying to herself about Adora. Adora isn't perfect, but she's the best person Catra has ever known, and she deserves so much love... giving her that is all Catra has ever wanted, but even now, Adora, she doesn't see it...
As Catra stands beside her, Adora's mind is lost, feeling the totality of her aloneness, as a supposed hero of fate. Even though Catra is by her side, now, she still can't believe love is really possible, for her anyways. Her whole life has been one long and difficult journey of responsibilities and danger. She has to come through now, or her life will be meaningless. But she feels so... ill... and so... tired... and so totally alone. How can she possibly succeed in this dangerous task, when she feels so weary? And Catra stands at her shoulder, daring the danger to take her down as well. The burden of it is too much... Adora feels her eyelids slipping, and then her body, she feels weak... she cries out as she doubles over in sickness and pain.
Catra looks on in desperation as Adora does this, Adora is dying right before her very eyes. She's feeling lost and alone, and she's giving up... just like Catra feared she might. Adora clutches at her heart, and at the failsafe... her final, cruel mission. The virus is invading it, trying to corrupt the failsafe and stop to Adora's heart as well. Adora slips out of her hands, Catra watches on in horror as Adora collapses to the ground... it was so fast! Catra didn't even have time to catch her fall! Horde Prime's final cruelty has Adora, Catra rolls her over so she can get a better look at what's happening...
The failsafe doesn't look right, and Adora's eyes are closed in agony from it. Catra watches the virus invade Adora further, spreading across her face and body. She reaches out and holds Adora, trying to comfort her, full of concern and sadness. This is agony, and its killing her. And Catra still can't see how she can help Adora, so she holds her as lovingly as she can instead, crying out against the unfairness of it. No! This can't be it! She needs Adora to hold on, but her eyes are sealed shut from all of the pain she's in…
A strange, eerie noise echoes into the chamber, and Catra looks up with dread at the heart... Horde Prime's corruption advances further and the strange green energy jumps down from the ceiling and hits the heart directly... Catra knows this is a sign that worse is about to come…
Adora looks, too, finding enough strength through her pain to crack her eyelids so that she can see. Things are bad, and their time is up…
-
::Horde Prime cackles cruelly as his plan is nearly completed... he is hacking the Heart directly now, and is mere moments from being able to direct that energy, either at his enemies, or at the universe itself. He's a sick man, and it immediately becomes bitterly obvious: Horde Prime wants to end... it. All of it. Everyone's story coming to an end, the finality as his "perfect dominion." The universe will end with Horde Prime...
But little does he know, Hordak has found his inner will through his love for Entrapta, allowing him to resist Horde Prime's memory wipes and mind control. As Hordak looks down at Entrapta along his charged weapon, he can't hurt her. She is too precious to him, so instead, as he searches his feelings, he finds... defiance.
He attacks his so called god, breaking Horde Prime's connection to the heart temporarily... love, it seems, has stalled things just a bit longer for our girls...
-
Adora comes to in Catra's arms. Did she black out? She's not sure... Horde Prime's virus is inside the Heart now, and everything is pain. She feels so... weak, and tired... as if breathing alone is asking too much of her body, that most basic requirement of life. Catra is telling her to stay awake, she looks up and sees Catra's concerned face, but then she sees the heart... Catra looks, too. It has become corrupted, like Adora's own failing body, she's failed, its all too much, and she is far too weak...
She waits for Catra to meet her gaze, her eyes full of sorrow... all she can do now is to tell Catra she's sorry, that she couldn't save her life, couldn't even do that, let alone love her like she wants...
Catra puts her hand to her cheek, it feels warm, good. Adora summons enough strength to lift her hand to hold Catra's hand to her cheek, to savior this last intimate touch... but it doesn't last, she's too... weak... she accepts her failure, her inadequacy. She couldn't even die right, to save everyone and the universe, in the end. And Catra... she manages one last weak gaze back at Catra, as she feels her heart slowing... it will stop... just... in a moment... she sees Catra cry out her name, tears streaming from her eyes, longingly for her, telling her to not die... to not leave her... but Adora feels herself slipping away... Catra clutches her body to hers, but all that is left for Adora to do now, is to die in the embrace of the only person she's ever truly loved... with one last look at the corrupted heart, she accepts that it wasn't enough, she's too tired... she can't fight it any longer... her eyes slowly slip closed...
As Adora is weakening to the point of passing out, Catra is struggling against the idea that Adora could end so... quietly. She knows there has to be more to this moment, some way for Adora to win, she's supposed to be the hero... it shouldn't end like this. There's been so much cruelty, all of their lives, so many people hurting them, wanting them to fail. But, she's got Adora now, she's holding her dying body in her very arms. She had to fight down Shadow Weaver to have this moment, but not without cost. Too much time passed, and Adora's sickness is too far advanced. Prime has her, and Catra can feel the last sparks of life leaving Adora's body. Adora looks at her, she tells her she's sorry. Catra reaches out to hold her cheek lovingly, she doesn't know what else to do, so she comforts her. Adora's eye close, needing her loving touch... then they open, Catra watches as Adora remembers her burden. Adora is being consumed by the thoughts of her failure, that she didn't even manage to do the one thing she came here to do, to stop the heart. Catra sees Adora's gaze weakening, but she looks to her one last time...
Catra feels Adora's body becoming quiet, her heart is failing her. Adora can't die now, it's just too cruel! So she begs Adora to fight instead, mournfully calling her name as her eyes are slipping shut. She clutches Adora against her body, hoping the pressure can sustain her, that it will make her love flow into Adora. And that maybe, somehow, that love will heal her, and give her the strength to live. But she knows Adora is about to die, and she still hasn't figured out what the key is, what she’s supposed to do to convince Adora to stay...
As Adora's eyes slip shut, Catra is lost and confused, she's lost on what she's supposed to do to help Adora face this final task, and so Catra does the only thing she can. She holds all of the love she has for Adora in her heart, all the words and gentle touches, the most intimate feelings she should have told to Adora. These feelings are Catra's dreams of their love, her hidden desire she was so afraid to show, the weakness and need she feels when she looks at Adora. She got caught up, waiting for Adora to give her a sign that she felt the same, so she wouldn't have to bear all of those feelings to Adora with no garentee of them being returned. But, they've run out of time, and as she clutches Adora against her body, whispering her name and crying for her, she knows it is probably too late for them, now. Still, she dreams, holding all of her love for Adora inside her heart, this love is as wide as an ocean, stretching to every horizon…
All of her life, Catra has had the most beautiful dreams of them being together. Even when she was so angry and fought against Adora, she still couldn't escape her dreams, her desire for her. She tried not to... it hurt to think of how it seemed that she'd never have her. And now, Adora is finally in her arms, but she's dying. Dying when she should be living, living so that Catra can show her all of her love. As time counts down, and Adora weakens towards unconsciousness in her arms, Catra wishes for time enough to show Adora her most beautiful feelings. It is her torrid desire, to share every last moment with Adora, and to romance her dearest Adora with her splendid love. Catra wishes her desire couple wrap Adora up inside it to protect her, she's searching for a way to reach Adora with her love.
Little does she know, Etheria is about to answer her call… it will help her show Adora the meaning of what it is to be loved...
Adora's eyes startle open. Confused, she feels warm and comfortable, seeing the waterfall in Brightmoon splashing down before her.
She feels safe here, the feeling is jarring considering that she was certain she had just accepted her finality, her death. It's embrace was where she felt like she had to go, to finally be at peace. And yet, instead... she's seeing... her own reflection? She's... home, in Bright Moon? And she looks... different. She's beautiful... delicate, and vulnerable. Every bit of the elegant dress she wears is gorgeous, it suits her, the gold trim complements her skin tone and her hair. Adora has never thought of herself as beautiful in this way, so tender and warm, the idea of it is foreign to her, there's always only been duty and responsibility. She remembers she was trying to uphold these as her eyes were slipping shut, towards everlasting slumber.
Yet here she is, somehow…
The door creaks behind her, and she turns to see her dearest love, Catra, come into the room, being chased by a determined Glimmer. Catra flows towards her, every bit of her movement is graceful and elegant. Catra is wearing beautiful, golden shoes, they match the trim on her own dress... which is strange, she knows Catra was always cautious, keeping the claws on her feet ready so she could spring from danger. Catra is laughing, it's so beautiful when she laughs. Her hair is different too, it's longer, like hers is, and yet, also different than when she was with the Horde. A white and gold jacket flows from her shoulder clasps, her outfit goes with Adora's beautiful dress exquisitely. She's so happy, as though she's without a care, as if the only thing that exists is this beautiful, soft moment, all of the cruelty and harshness of the world has washed away, and reality is blissful... like a dream.
Adora looks on in confusion as Catra runs at her with Glimmer in hot pursuit. Glimmer wants to brush Catra's beautiful, bushy hair, but Catra's not having it. Catra darts around Adora playfully, using her body as a shield against Glimmer, softly caressing Adora's skin as she does. Frustrated by Catra's antics, Glimmer abandons the chase, accusing Catra of being dramatic. Yeah, she's right, that's so Catra. Adora can feel Catra resting her hands on her shoulders with gentle possessiveness... but it also makes her feel protected, a moment that feels somehow… familiar. Catra's touch is so real... yet how can that be? She was dying, she was sure of it. But instead, Catra is here, and so is Glimmer. Bow walks in, saying they're late for Scorpia's first ball. Ah, so that's what this is! They're going to a ball, and this must be, the future? Or perhaps the present? Perhaps she simply forgot-?
After Glimmer tells Catra she's off the hook, she joins Bow, and they hold each other like lovers. Catra still stands at her shoulder, her hands gently resting on her skin, they could be lovers, too. It feels so real, she’s certain she can even feel Catra's warm breath on her neck, her cool nails against her skin as she possessively clings to her. Catra seems so... Catra... it all feels so... real. Even Catra's little rebellion, that's so like her, she's always loved Catra's little quirks. Adora watches as Bow and Glimmer turn to leave, and then Catra walks forward. She turns on heel to face Adora, graceful, like a dancer, and offers her hand to Adora, asking if she's ready to go. It's so beautiful... Catra is a great dancer, she remembers that, from way back when at Princess Prom. She was trying so hard not to let Catra distract her, but she was too beautiful... ugh she's such an idiot around Catra.
As Catra tries to face her, there's so much warmth here, and so much peace. Here Catra stands before her, holding out her hand to her, love radiating from her face. It makes her feel so safe, surrounded by her home, with Catra finally here with her, looking at her like this, loving her like this. Catra is so beautiful in her outfit, it's so stylish yet matching to her own dress, leave it to Catra to have immaculate taste. Adora looks down at Catra's hand, her eyes trailing over to where Catra is wearing her pin... does that mean that they are together? Like, really together? The idea of it is so wonderful, and she wants it so very much, they're going to dance again, and not as enemies this time! Adora gives in, this love she feels coming from Catra is too real, too pure to not be true. She feels joyous, and ready to experience the beauty of it all... this must be real, and she was just feeling... confused. She wasn't dying, that's absurd, that was nothing but a bad dream, a strange nightmare that she had to wake up from eventually. She loves Catra so much, she finds herself reaching out lovingly, ready to take her hand, to enjoy a night of dancing and romance with her dearest love, not a care weighing down her ever weary soul...
Tragically... cruelly, her hand passes right through Catra's, as though it were just a figment. With dismay, she notices the glitching in the simulation... she understands now, and sorrow floods across her face... it wasn't real... of course not. She was so sure it was real... Catra's love felt so real... but it was not. It's all cruelty now, as instead Horde Prime stands before her, the dream ripped away from her, while he mocks her. His cruelty cannot be escaped, it was foolish of her to allow herself to dream in the first place, she's just an unworthy hero, failing in her last, unselfish act, of wanting to accept all of the burdens onto herself so that everyone else could be protected from the cruelty of this ancient war... Prime has her now...
He crushes the last of the dream, corrupts the vision as it crumbles into sickening green. She's helpless, completely alone against cruelty as he shackles her, she cries out in pain as the virus returns to invade her mind, hurting her again... everything is going green... the color of Horde Prime's corruption... the color of his unfeeling clones, and now, of the corrupted Heart. She feels as if she's adrift in space, the dream reality that was the simulation is all but gone now, only fragments of code remain, fading into green... as the world closes into green around her, Adora wishes it had been real... don't leave me, Catra, I need you... I always needed you... please...
Adora feels as though she's gently falling... down... down... away... towards her end, towards final oblivion, for her... and the universe... she has failed…
::NOTE: We're now switching to Catra’s point of view during the dream, it may seem repetitive however this is to explain her role in that dream. She's there alongside Adora (to a point). META HERE.
Catra is still clutching Adora’s dying body to her own when she feels the dream begin. She finds her vision being drawn away, from reality, to where Adora is in her dream, as Etheria draws from her ocean of love to create a perfect vision of her love for Adora. Enthralled, Catra watches the beautiful Adora before her, in her white dress with gold trim…
It feels odd at first for Catra, because what she's seeing is a vision that's of dissociation, as though she's watching apart from her body, and at first she doesn't understand. She's still clutching Adora's still body in her arms, and yet... if they were but moments from death in the Heart Chamber, why is she seeing this now, instead? Still, she can sense the presence of Etheria’s magic here, like she's felt before… and then she begins to understand- while she didn't intend to let the magic take from her feelings to make this beautiful dream, because Etheria’s magic has become so natural to her, she had subconsciously let it. And because of this, the dream is perfect, exactly of Catra's truest and deepest feelings. Etheria is doing this for Adora- but it's with her help.
As she's watching Catra realizes that this dream is has been made to be the perfect antidote to Adora’s traumatized mind. The way Etheria’s magic choose to put Adora in the place she feels safest, Brightmoon. The way Glimmer and Bow are there, and as lovers. The way her dream self gently touches Adora’s shoulders with gentle but possessive love, trying to sooth her and make her feel how she's wanted. This dream version of herself is exactly honest to how Catra always wanted to act around Adora, but with the violence that surrounded their lives, and then the war which divided them, it was something she never felt safe doing. Yet now, as the world stands on the edge of annihilation, Catra’s heart is wide open, she's ready to give her truest and most earnest self.
Catra never really made a conscious decision to stop fighting Etheria's magic to instead harmonize with it, it convinced her over time that it was always on her side. Unlike Shadow Weaver's magic, which was always cruel and controlling, Etheria's magic soothed her, it felt natural, and kind. And Etheria’s magic has helped Catra many times, such as the first time encountered its presence when she and Adora were inside the Crystal Castle during Promise. Back then she hardly knew what was happening, yet she knew that magic was whispering to her, telling her she was right to feel that Adora endangered her life with her naive need to serve others expectations, and that she needed to wait until Adora learned from her naive mistakes before she could return her love again. But those times are gone, Adora has learned now, she's the closest thing to a hero Catra has ever seen, and she's so close to becoming a great hero. Now, at this crucial moment, Etheria's magic needed her help, and so Catra finds herself sharing the love in her heart with it, so that they can show Adora this beautiful dream, together... to save her...
With silent approval Catra watches her dream self gently cling to Adora’s shoulders, coveting her as precious- Adora is her treasure, after all. She knows this touch is calming Adora, even as Adora still rebels from the dream, knowing that she was dying moments ago.
Lovingly, Catra wishes for Adora to stop being so suddenly smart. For once in your life, abandon your anxiety and stop fighting this feeling, Adora, because this is how I love you. This is how I will treasure and protect you, and I will always be with you. But you have to be strong enough to choose my love, like I have chosen love. I will never doubt love again, and I will never leave you again, but I need you to hang on, and I need you to wake up!
Catra watches as Adora is getting closer to accepting her love, yet still hesitates, doubting it can be real. She knows it's going to take something much grander to convince Adora- and then, Catra watches as her dream self beautifully turns on heel to offer her hand to Adora: offering her the chance to dance again, this time with love in their hearts. It's a waking dream that has been one of Catra’s most earnest and constant daydreams- to get to dance with Adora again, like they did at Princess Prom- but as lovers, not enemies. Etheria's magic has taken this waking dream and so beautifully expressed it that she sees Adora’s worry finally fade away, being replaced with a look of wonder, and then watches as Adora looks to the pin on her jacket. See? We're to be married! My love is true, you have to believe me!
As Adora abandons doubt and gives into the beauty of it, Catra knows she is hers to save, if Adora only takes her hand now, she will wake knowing what it means to be loved…
But then, just like Adora, Catra sees the glitch as Adora’s hand passes through her own. Her heart sinks, as Prime materializes, her connection to Adora temporarily disrupted. Angrily Catra realizes that Prime had been waiting for the best moment to interrupt the dream and shatter Adora’s hopes. Prime will never let Adora take her hand, because he knows that could save her.
As he taunts Adora, he's taunting her, too. To show Catra how distant she is, and powerless, that she can't reach Adora through the reality he's imposing on her to torture her, sinking her into his void, where she will fall towards oblivion, towards death. It's disgustingly condescending- he wants to make her feel helpless…
Instead, Catra feels cold anger inside her, it's giving her focus, and she refuses to give up. We were so close, she thinks, and as devious as Prime is, she knows that he’s not perfect. With this new found focus she searches for a way to reach Adora and wrest her from Prime's control, wracking her mind, feeling out a way to her. Then she finds it- it's like a path of green, as if a string of fate, connecting herself and Adora.
It's Prime’s virus- she and Adora are bound by this thin line of green code- the virus which is in both their bodies. Catra quickly realizes that Prime has made a mistake by infecting her, too, as the virus doesn't hurt her the way it does Adora. And this code, this string, this connection, it's something she can control, it gives her a way in to where he's trapped her. She can backhack the connection, much like she did before with the chip in her neck to spy on him and his plans for Etheria when she was on Darla after Adora had saved her.
As Catra follows that string of fate towards Adora, she's still conscious of Adora’s dying body in her arms. Simultaneously in both worlds, this gives Catra the way to open the door back to reality for Adora- but Adora will have to fight her way free, Catra can't make that choice for her. It takes her only a moment to find her, and then she calls out Adora’s name, reaching down to her, as the bridge back to reality, and the way out of Prime’s prison…
... Adora is sinking down, down into Prime’s oblivion. Tears from her eyes trail upwards, just as though she were truly falling downward. It really… wasn't enough, she thinks. I've never had a chance, to escape this cruel fate that was thrust on me since before I could even remember. Nobody can help me now, I am alone… as it has always been.
“Adora!” Her eyes snap open as she hears her name being called, by… Catra?? But how... and yet, there Catra is above her, wreathed in the light of a doorway, the door out of her prison, back towards living, back towards reality.
“Adora, please- you have to wake up!” Wake up? Am I sleeping? I can think… so that would mean I'm conscious, right? But the pain, oh this pain- Horde Prime’s pain. She was so sure she was dying, and it's too confusing to her that Catra is here, now. It isn't enough, she can't accept it… her arms feel heavy, paralyzed, she cannot move. And yet… she does want to move very badly... her heart is waking up... at the sight of Catra... it wants... to get back... to Catra...
As Catra sees the fear in Adora’s eyes, she knows that Adora is doubting, now, more than she has ever before. Catra understands- I must make every word count, or she'll fall beyond my reach, gone forever. Still, she hasn't found the key that will save Adora, so instead she does the only thing she can- she lets her heart speak for her, abandoning any self conscious thoughts that might have stopped her in the past as she does so.
Every word that Catra speaks then rings down on Adora as the greatest truths she's ever spoken- “You can't give up. You've never given up on anything in your life, not even on me.” Meanwhile, outside the dream, she clutches Adora closer.
Despite her lingering doubt, Adora’s senses are now wide open- seeing, hearing Catra, yearning to understand her words. Still, she can't move… and even if she could reach, it won't be enough, Adora thinks. Adora sees the look in Catra’s eyes shift to one of determination and command. “So don't you dare start now!” Catra reaches further for her, her hand is now demanding that Adora to reach for it. It's enough for Adora to be able to tap into her unrealized reserves of strength and push past the pain. She exerts her entire body in one motion as she reaches for Catra- it works- her arms finally come free as the shackles on her body break, but still she feels weak. Her hand is far too short of Catra’s, as she suspected it would be. Mournfully, she calls out “It’s too late. I've failed.” The tears well up in her eyes, all of her doubts from a lifetime of being hurt and having unfair burdens thrust on her reverberate in those small, scared words…
As Catra hears the mournfulness in Adora’s words, her blood chills like ice, she can't let Adora give up now. Heart racing, Catra finds herself desperately calling back “No, no!” Again, she wracks her mind further…I need more, I must say more…
All of the hurt, the abuse Shadow Weaver inflicted on us… our meager, pitiful melancholy lives, it's so close to ending... We are so close to the start of a life where we can be free. “I've got you. I'm not letting go.” That's all Catra can think to say, as back in reality, Catra hugs Adora’s unconscious body hard, knowing that she can't feel her loving embrace. I have to give you more, I'll give everything for you! How do I give you more-?
Adora finds herself struggling to reach father for Catra when she hears Catra’s truest words, telling her that she's got her. She can tell their hands are a bit closer now, the sound of yearning in Catra’s voice having unlocked something in Adora, as for the first time in her life, she feels as though perhaps she's not so alone, and maybe, just maybe, Catra might know how she feels… so that she won't have to be so alone anymore.
Their fingers are so close, Adora can taste the distance between them, and she yearns to hear Catra's next, most truest words. Words she does not yet know that she yearns to hear... yet her heart has always wanted. It has always asked to hear Catra's next, most truest words... breathlessly she awaits, and then... Catra speaks those very words...
“Don't you get it? I LOVE you.”
Love… like the idiot she is, Adora didn't see this coming, yet her heart did, having wished for it all this time... and that word strikes her like lightning, energizing her. She feels enlivened by it, it's as though electricity is crawling over every inch of her skin. In this moment, Adora’s consciousness is suddenly fully present, her doubts gone... she's yearning to know more of what Catra means with that word, love. What it love, what does she mean? As her best friend? As a... lover? I have to know more, I want to stay a bit longer… so I can hear what she means!
“.... I always have.” ... Another jolt of electricity, waking her heart up inside: it confirms that Adora’s hopes were right, Catra does know how she feels. She's not alone… she never has been… Catra is with her, she’s got her…
“So please, just this once- stay!” Again, a jolt of energy, as again Adora finds herself being commanded. Being told to no longer be alone- the love of her life is right there, demanding that she stay long enough to know love... demanding that she live. Demanding that she'll never be alone again, with Catra always by her side…
Love unburdens Adora- the single act of Catra’s understanding, frees her. The weight of doubt holding her down is suddenly gone, as if it never existed. To her previous struggle, there is no struggle, and there is no distance between them- that's how effortlessly Adora finds her hand reaching the final distance to Catra’s. Just as Catra’s does, too- she, too, is unburdened by love. Their palms touch, their fingers interlace, the bridge is finally secure. Through their connection Adora can feel Catra’s warmth rushing into her body, awakening her, bringing her back to reality. Yet as it does, Adora finds her vision goes dark… as it must be, so that she can wake back into consciousness… out of the dream, and back to reality…
Now waking back into her body, Adora can sense the peril of the heart, and how hopelessly Catra clings her body to her own to shield her from it, to give her just a few more seconds to live. It won't be enough, she can tell that the heart is about to lash out at them both. She hears Catra repeating again in a desperate whisper- “please, stay" realizing that Catra doesn't yet know she's back. Or how the Heart is about to arc out and silence them both, forever. Calmly Adora find herself thinking- No- it's my turn to protect you. She summons her shield, grounding the charge and absorbing the Heart’s energy, temporarily quieting it, giving her a time enough to speak to her dearest love….
As she looks up into Catra’s stunned eyes, she can tell that Catra is in disbelief that she's come back to life, which is really cute, but there's no time for that, now. She has to know what Catra meant, when she said she loved her… “You love me-?”
“...You're such an idiot” Catra says with relief as Catra finally knows that she's got Adora, she's back, safe in her arms…
-
::Oh hey there! Im actually gonna end my summary here, because their kiss is perfect, and I know I can't do it justice. Instead, let me say one more thing.
What makes their love confessions, and their kiss, so perfect, to me, is that it happens as each of them is realizing that they're being truly seen by the other for the first time in their lives. They are both imperfect souls, and let their fears and emotions block themselves from really seeing the other truely, so much so that they've hurt each other time and time again. But now, not only are they being seen for the best in themselves, but they also know the other sees their fears and desperate hopes and loves them all the more for those imperfections. Adora’s look as she asks Catra “You love me-?” is that of someone who's been hurting her whole life, desperate to make a difference but given far too few tools to do so, who felt useless while striving to satisfy others needs, her desperation from this making her lash out and destroy her chances at being a true hero. Catra knows all of that, and she loves her, she believes she is a good person, and has become a true hero.
Catra’s stunned look when Adora tells her “I love you, too” is that of someone who thought she could never been seen for the good in her by someone else, as someone who's been wronged her whole life, who was right to resist it, but wrong in her willingness to enact extreme violence for this, yet Adora sees all of Catra’s past wrongs and fears and knows that the pure hearted Catra before her in this moment is her true self.
As Catra realizes Adora is seeing her truly for the first time, she knows kissing her and making their love canon is the only proper act, it's all that there's left to do. In this moment, SPOP beautifully captures how important that feeling of understanding really is. We all desire it, but many don't believe it's possible. How can someone love us, if we're so flawed? But what if that's one of the best parts we can reveal, and to be loved for?
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Appendix of Explanations
Why this post? Is it necessary?
Well, I certainly think so??!!! Because there are no miracles in SPOP like most shows rely on. Catra saving Adora and then Adora saving the universe is possible because of very specific and defined forces, N. D. Stevenson made sure of that. He doesn't rely on anything like that cuz that's how good of a writer he is. Catra can see Adora in her dream and then open the door to pull her to safety for very defined reasons. There's no dues ex machina!
Why is it so important that Catra is in Adora's dream, and why is it important that this is Etheria's magic in action?
Adora's dream isn't an accident at all, and this story would not be the greatest of all time if Catra wasn't deeply the reason for Adora becoming a true hero. To that end, there needed to be a reason Catra could understand how to save Adora. Basically, a mythology. Etheria's magic helping her is this mythology: it's an active force in their world. And Catra resonates with that magic which is why she has the ability to act as she did. Catra has her own magic power: it's not obvious like with the princesses, but she is nonetheless the focus of that force of nature. Sure, N.D Stevenson needed magic to finish the story, a common criticism of stories like this, but the laws governing that magic are well defined.
Why all the explanation about Catra when Adora is the hero? Isn't that the more important part?
I don't mean to downplay Adora's part, she really IS the hero and she's that person because of some very important personality factors, she just can't do it without some help- specifically Catra's help, and Catra can only help her because of how she's harmonizing with the magic! And it's ok for Adora to get some help, we all need help from time to time! In fact, it's unrealistic for her not to need help. Catra's supposed to help her, Etheria knows this, so Catra is her harmony, and their love together is where real power comes from!
Lastly, I am a META writer. Everything I wrote here is based on a frame by frame META analysis of the story, and I give every assurance it's based in truth. Also true is I did use some flowery language to fill in the gaps of the dramatic moments, to make it flow better. Still, even if I ever strayed towards the over dramatic, the meaning is overall true, and if there's any part that you want a meta explanation for, such as how Catra finds Adora through Horde Prime's virus, I will give a moment by moment explanation! Just send me an ask! Also, check my blogs table of contents HERE for more meta explanations. This post might seem like a lot of metas, rest assured I've written explanations to the metas contained here... if that's any consolation! This post is also meant to bring them all together as a story...
So, I'll leave things there. If you liked my explanation and feel it helped you understand what really went on better, please share it with others. And of course, thank you for your likes and your rebloggs!! Reblogs will help others see this, too!
Thank you 🙇 thank you for any rebloggs you can give me, they are life!
How Corrupted Catra knows ALL of the Princesses dirty little secrets..(and so does Catra)
Corrupted Catra is one of the most visually stunning sequences in She-ra. Her look is iconic, her anger has been seared into our minds... it's as though everything about her is just... pure... magic.
That's right, because Corrupted Catra is magic. She's Catra, and yet she's more... She has magical knowledge and power. Supernatural powers, you might say.
This makes her Catra... extra. Because Corrupted Catra... knows all.
That she knows all is made immediately clear::
She accuses Adora of being a portal baby, something Catra simply did not know at the time (explanations below) and then goes on to suggest that Adora is fantastically guilty of all that has happened. And the sneaky truth is that Corrupted Catra is exactly right: Adora really is the source of all that has happened. Because Adora... is She-ra...
Explanations can wait a bit, but the fact that Corrupted Catra knows Adora's She-ra history means Corrupted Catra is unique, different, than Catra herself. And this is what makes her so important. Once we hold this insight while considering all of Corrupted Catra's words, together, in relation to each other and to the story, it becomes clear that Corrupted Catra is talking to Adora about the totality of the She-ra story, even parts of Adora's own story she herself hasn't yet uncovered, and also weren't even revealed to us, the viewers, by the end of season 3. And Catra, too, has this knowledge, because Corrupted Catra is magic.
Now, the goal of this post is to establish theory, unlike my other posts which could be described as character studies. The intent here is to lay out how Corrupted Catra is unique, and because of it, she has importance to Catra’s arc as well as the story's overall arc. Understanding Corrupted Catra is important to further character analysis of Catra post portal episodes, hence the discussion. This certainly isn't the last you’ll hear of this, so for now, I hope you enjoy!! 📝
To start, we'll look at what is proven that Corrupted Catra knows, then we'll discuss how the butterfly effect is part of Adora's story, and finally I'll share a possible origin story for Corrupted Catra.
Let's get right to it ~
So here are Corrupted Catra's words, along with their simplified meanings: (*extended explanations to follow)
"It's always the same with you Adora. I have to do this, or-r we have to do that. Let's be honest: all of this... is your fault."
::This is Corrupted Catra's thesis, her divine message intended for Adora… and for Catra. Corrupted Catra is, in fact, revealing that Adora has caused a butterfly effect.
"If you hadn't gotten captured, your sword wouldn't have opened the portal."
::Adora was incredibly naive when she accepted the sword, she was foolish to give in to Light Hope's false narrative that she was destined to be a hero... Consequentially, Adora is now caught up in a dangerous sequence of events, for which she is woefully unprepared.
“If you hadn't found the sword, and been the world’s worst She-ra, none of this would have happened.”
::This statement is actually having to do with Adora's own fears: that she will fail at being She-ra, that she's been failing in her duty, and is about Adora's recent revalations that she is, like Mara, caught up in a dark First Ones plot.
“Admit it: the world would still be standing if you'd never come through that portal in the first place."
::Catra knows that Adora is a portal baby, that she's a First One, and that she's being used as their weapon. Also, once Adora was portaled into Despondos, becoming She-ra was inevitable.
“You… made me this! You took… everything from me!”
::The abuse Catra suffered by Shadow Weaver's hand was because of Adora being She-ra, which SW must have figured out back when they were only children. Young Catra loved Adora, which SW hated because it threatened her plan to sacrifice Adora for power, and so SW tried to break Catra's spirit.
“You broke the world… and it is all… your… fault.”
::Everything that’s happened… even what is yet to happen, including the activation of the portal by Catra... is part of a chain reaction of events which started when Adora was pulled through the portal as an infant: Adora's existence changed the timeline of Etheria, and is the origin of all of the conflict that's occurring… in the past, the present, and even the future. Because Adora was pulled through the portal to make her She-ra, the conflict which Mara put on hold by sacrificing herself has been restarted, with various forces now scrambling for control over She-ra.
… And Corrupted Catra knows ALL of this, including possible implications for the future. She therefore knows about the super weapon.. and likely it's intended use. (*explanations to follow)
Now, let's go over the proof that Catra does indeed know what she knows, as it is revealed within the story:
Firstly: Catra knows what Corrupted Catra knew because everyone retained their full memories of the portal dimension, as proven by Lonnie, Kyle, and Rogelio:
Next, Catra's emotions and reactions immediately after she returns to reality further confirm she remembers being Corrupted Catra, including Adora punching her out:
But most importantly... Catra's knowledge is confirmed later on in season 5 through Horde Prime:
Notice the similarities of how Adora reacts to Corrupted Catra's accusal, and then to Horde Prime's: she's as surprised as we are about their knowledge... (in pic1, Horde Prime calls Adora a First One, in pic2 Corrupted Catra tells Adora she's a bad She-ra >>because she's a First One)
Horde Prime might have been able to predict that Adora was a First One because of his past lives, but as their conversation continues it proves he knows her story. This is because Horde Prime didn't know Adora's She-ra story until Catra is chipped, as before this, he was still playing Glimmer and Catra against each other in order to gain information.
His chipping Catra is the how of his 'I see all, I know all', and that he gains such intimate knowledge about Adora, we then know Catra knew all of Adora's She-ra history. But since Catra never interacted with Adora in any way during season 4 where she would have learned Adora's She-ra story, Catra must have learned it somewhere we're not shown. Except, that we were... she knows it because of Corrupted Catra...
Also consider that he's telling Adora all this as he stands next to Catra, with his hand on her shoulder. Creepy in the least, it indicates where he gained this knowledge. Furthermore, the way he taunts Adora shows he has an outdated knowledge of She-ra, just like Catra would have had. He doesn't know that Adora broke the sword, and will instead tap into her primal She-ra powers as the true champion of Etheria...
Lastly, that surprising bit: Catra knows about the super weapon, as confirmed by what she says as well as her actions at the end of season 4 and beginning of season 5:
Catra knows- she isn't bluffing when she tells Horde Prime she can help him understand the weapon. This is because she already knows how it works. During her time as Corrupted Catra, she must have been given the big picture of everything to do with the First Ones and She-ra: and so she knows She-ra and the princesses are part of this weapon...
Ok, but Corrupted Catra doesn't talk about the weapon directly, right? What she says is vague, so how can we know? Well, because that part of the story was yet to be revealed: her omission was necessary from a storytelling perspective... and yet, later evidence indicates that Catra knew all along.
That's the basics of the theory, for now let's call it the Corrupted Catra theory: It is that Catra gained inside knowledge, by way of Etheria's magic, through Corrupted Catra, during the conclusion of season 3, having to do with the First Ones corruption of Etheria and of She-ra... and Catra knows all of this, even as Adora is yet to uncover the dark plots and manipulations herself, during season 4.
The implications of Catra knowing all of this is complicated, and as this isn't a character study, I won't get into them. But to briefly explain: Catra doesn't understand all of it immediately... she processes what she learned in a way that's very similar or even mirrors how she's processing her emotions and trauma throughout seasons 4 and 5. That Catra is so emotionally confused post portal contributes to her understanding of things also being confused, and so it takes her time to really understand the total implications of all that she knows...
But, I degress...
Hey, thanks so much for reading this far!! To let you know, what's up next is a descriptive readalong of Corrupted Catra's conversation with Adora, and how it's all one BIG discussion about the butterfly effect. If you want more information, feel free to keep reading… if not, you've got the gist of it. Thanks again!
Also, a bonus level: a possible origin story as to how Catra comes to be Corrupted Catra...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We take up the story in s3ep6... just as Corrupted Catra is going to encounter Adora... (obligatory CW: despair/death-)
::Adora kneels, crying... Bow and Glimmer have just faded away… they've given Adora all the love they could, telling her that they believe in her... and so Adora cries... fearful at the magnitude of what she now faces: a universe collapsing in on itself, a world she helped create through her careless treatment of her friendship with Catra. Despite Bow and Glimmer's encouragement, Adora is still fearful that she won't overcome, to be able to fix things. As we see later when she meets Angella at the sword, even then, Adora is still convinced she must pay for her mistakes with her life.
But Catra is about to return... her beautiful, lovesome friend, who before throwing herself into the fires of the collapsing reality, finally told Adora why it hurt her so deeply that Adora didn't stay. Not with words, but instead with an authentic display of emotional need and vulnerability that Adora could see and begin to understand. And yet Catra, in the end, rejected her, not willing to say those words, to confess her love to Adora... instead lashing out and cruely throwing Adora to the side. Catra was unable to overcome her hurt and fear of abandonment in that moment… seemingly choosing death instead... not willing to trust in Adora to fix their love…
And so... Catra returns... her voice corrupted, her features being consumed by darkness. She is Corrupted Catra, and she is the personification of Catra's anger and disappointment at Adora for breaking her heart. And yet, so very much more... she is a being of divine purpose, created by Etheria’s deep magic, who is meant to challenge Adora's entire world view... and make both girls see Adora in a new light…
>Adora is thrown back by Corrupted Catra, snapping to the bar in the Crimson Waste. It's not a place the two of them met, no, this place is meaningful to Catra. It is the point of Catra's deepest low after Hordak ‘kills’ her, rending her down to her very soul... and is the place of her epic speech about losing it all, being unwanted and persecuted.
Corrupted Catra straddles Adora, deep flirtation in her voice. Her desire is evident, Adora is a thing she wants but lashes out at, viciously protecting herself from her feelings of love for Adora...
She coos at Adora, asking her where her friends are, reminding her of the fact that Adora left her forsaken, and that the people which Catra believes don't care for her as much as Catra cared for Adora before she broke their promise, are gone... it's just the two of them now. She finally has Adora alone... and so she lashes out, wanting Adora to see her pain...
Adora dodges it, pulling Catra close, looking her in her eyes, trying to explain again the seriousness of the danger they face...
Catra pushes at her face, rejecting her plea: "It's always the same with you Adora. I have to do this, or-r we have to do that." Catra pulls her up by the hair, Adora at her mercy. "Let's be honest: all of this... is your fault." Adora looks at Catra, confused and yet... deeply ashamed...
What we are witnessing is an incredibly perceptive take down of Adora as a person. One that isn't really fair to her, but is based in the undeniable truths Corrupted Catra knows about Adora, knowledge that is entirely beyond what the present Catra knew, and reflects hard truths about the nature of their relationship that the present Catra had only seen glimpses of...
::Let's pause here to take a quick aside regarding the season 2 and 3 story arc~~
::In case there's any confusion: both of the portal episodes are about Adora's broken promise to Catra. That's what they represent in the narrative of the story: that once Catra decides she should separate herself from Adora at the end of "Promise", bad, traumatic things happen to Catra. Catra thought she could be strong on her own, strong for herself, without needing the Promise which Adora broke, but the universe, fate, whatever... doesn't let her, and she gets hurt very badly.
First by Shadow Weaver's manipulation and abandonment, then by Hordak handing her a death sentence because she tried to trust SW, and finally when SW reappeared in the fright zone, channeling Glimmer's power and nearly killing Catra yet again. She's reeling from a cruel world which keeps trying to kill her, while also feeling a deep sadness of loneliness in her heart from missing Adora which saps her will to live. And Adora knows that she's let Catra down... that something has gone very wrong with Catra, leaving her frightened for her friend... she is just beginning to understand the consequences of her having left Catra.
[pic cation: Catra as Hordak suffocates her, Catra feeling powerless to SW's abuse, Adora's realization]
The portal happening is a reflection of this broken promise: Adora isn't there, and so she can't look out for Catra… and really terrible things happen to Catra after Adora left her brokenhearted. And so, Catra pulls the switch, in desperation to change her life, no matter the cost, and also heartbrokenly sad and wanting to die from all of her loneliness and pain. She's in a terrible state, and Adora needs to see this, to understand the truth of her heartbreak, because they were once all that each other ever had...
Right from that moment when Adora tells Catra that Shadow Weaver is in Bright Moon, Adora sees the change in Catra... something broke inside Catra then, and now Adora must try to recover her friend, and the universe, before it all falls apart from her betrayal of Catra... all that is happening... is because of that broken promise, and the seemingly unending hurt that her friend is feeling...
>>>Again, all of this is important, as its part of the butterfly effect we have yet to discuss. Hopefully that all made sense... let me know if you'd like to see a s2-s3 summary along these lines. For now, moving on.<<
>Back to Corrupted Catra, who is holding Adora at her mercy...
Corrupted Catra has just accused Adora of being the source of all the misery that has occurred, and she is right. But it's a narrow minded view which ignores the bigger truths, and it's horribly unfair to Adora. We'll explain this more as we go along.
>Adora is thrown, landing at the scene of the ice base where they had their second fight.
"If you hadn't gotten captured, your sword wouldn't have opened the portal."
I'll just say this: when Catra comes after Adora in the Crimson Waste, she is uninhibited, whereas before she was fighting with a code (ie, fighting She-ra 1vs1), this time she didn't. As she says post dying to Hordak "It doesn't matter what I do, I don't get to win". Catra beats Adora so fast because she's done playing by rules, and she's done with the rules because of the trauma that happened after Adora left her. In that moment when Catra captures Adora, all of Adora’s shortcomings as She-ra and as a friend to Catra caught up to her.
>C.Catra brings Adora low, throws snow in her face, pins her to the guard rail... "If you hadn't gotten the sword and been the world's worst She-ra, none of this would have happened."
We see Adora's face show intense shame and internal realization at the mention of her failure as She-ra. Something interesting is happening: this judgement of Adora being She-ra isn't Catra's, although she probably doesn't think Adora is very good at being She-ra. These are the very doubts and fears Adora herself has been struggling with: about being the new She-ra, and needing to meet Light Hope's austere expectations of her, of her inability to understand Mara's 'failure', of her recent revelations about Mara's sacrifice to stop the weapon and what this means for her as the next She-ra. And so somehow, Corrupted Catra is intimately knowledgable of Adora’s ongoing stuggles...
>Adora is thrown, landing in the ocean near Salineas where they met be soon after her defection, only to be pulled up out of the water by the hair by Corrupted Catra, who sneers at her:
"Admit it: the world would still be standing if you never came through that portal in the first place."
Ok, wait, so we know Catra probably overheard Adora complain about being taken from her family, but at no point does she say she came through a portal. Could this have been general knowledge from their childhood? No. We know for certain that Adora has no knowledge of being a portal baby (s3ep1). Shadow Weaver took in baby Adora with the intention of using her for her own gain, likely predicting she was She-ra. For that reason alone SW would have made sure that Adora coming through the portal wasn't common knowledge, and as 2nd in command, SW had the influence to do it. Furthermore, when Adora attempts to confront Hordak on taking her from her family by opening the portal, he sneers at it, saying she's of so little consequence that he doesn't even remember her. Once again, Corrupted Catra shows us that she knows far too much, is too perceptive of Adora even when we take into consideration how intelligent Catra is.
>Adora is thrown again, snapping to Princess Prom. Now C.Catra says something VERY interesting, full of furious hurt and sorrow: "You... made me this!" Adora tries to run, is caught: "You took... everything from me!" This statement she’s making isn't some darkly warped manifestation of C.Catra's anger, no… it's the actual truth.
And so Catra’s object of desire isn't allowed to run from this, as Adora must come to understand this truth. Once again, C.Catra is saying something which shows supernatural perception: To really understand what that is, we need to understand the two other points in the story when Catra says remarkably similar things about Adora being the source of her pain…
::One is at the end of s3ep3: When captured Adora tells Catra that SW is in Bright Moon, Catra responds: "Shadow Weaver... left me... for you. All of this... happened... because of you..." There are many similarities in what she says here to what C.Catra has just said. All the pain of SW abandoning Catra to die and then Hordak 'killing' her for it, and then again when SW returns to the Fright Zone and nearly kills Catra yet again, all of that trauma happening is, in Catra's mind, because of SW abandoning her to go be with Adora.
But really, SW went to Bright Moon because Adora is She-ra and She-ra could heal her, and because SW knew she had to avoid the death sentence that Hordak was handing down to her. Yes, SW still has her goal of using Adora as a sacrifice, but the story doesn't prove out that Catra is right: SW mostly just switches prisons, and Adora gains not a whole lot from her presence other than her healing ability (which SW needed her to learn for her own benefit), knowledge of her origin as a portal baby (which SW wouldn't want to give up, but needed to), and some limited knowledge of the Horde's portal plan. But Catra, instead, only sees this as Adora receiving privilege from her abuser, again... Catra fails to see the bigger picture.
::Then, in s3ep4, Catra comes face to face with SW again: after trying to fight both her and Glimmer, Catra lies bound and at the mercy of SW, so she accuses SW: "You made me this way... and you get to be the good guy...?" And then: "You couldn't WAIT to get away from here, from me... but you came back... for Adora..." This statement is even closer to the truth, and the meaning of C.Catra's words.
Catra is blaming SW's abuse for her compromised mental state... the anger she's lashing out with in defense of herself, which has her unable to stop hurting herself and others while wanting to avenge herself against SW with no care of the collateral damage. Catra knows that somehow, Adora has always been the reason why SW hurts her... she just cannot see why. Yes, this angry vindictive person Catra is devolving into is the result of SW's abuse, but it doesn't get to the real truth of why she was abused, and ended up as this fearful, angry person who feels as though she can never trust anyone ever again...
>Back to the present: Corrupted Catra stands over her object of desire, telling Adora she is the source of all of the pain that makes her so hurtful... telling her that she took everything from her...
... And Corrupted Catra is telling the full truth of why Catra was abused as a child: it was because of SW trying to emotionally destroy Catra, when she saw that Catra's love for Adora was too strong… because SW was grooming Adora to make her weak so she could control and then sacrifice her, and SW didn't want Adora to have such a devoted source of love in Adora's life. (If you need more information, feel free to check out part 1 of my Shadow Weaver Death discussion post.)
Corrupted Catra’s choice of words are all about the real truth behind SW’s abuse, and it is now revealed that Adora really is the source of all of Catra's pain: If Adora hadn't been She-ra, Catra wouldn't have faced SW 's wrath and cruelty like she did, because SW has only ever cared about using Adora for her own selfish and depraved reasons...
... And so, when Adora then leaves Catra, breaking her promise to her, Catra stops believing that there is good in the world... her inner self panics as it's being consumed by heartbreak, and her outer, survivor self becomes more and more defensive of her own life, causing her to stoops to depraved levels like her abusers, SW and Hordak, in order to defend herself.
And ALL of this hurt originated because of Adora... in one... single... event...
> Adora is thrown again, ending up in the chair of Mara's ship, where Catra captured her, as Corrupted Catra cruelly accuses her: "You broke the world... and it is all... your... fault..."
So, let's combine these words with Corrupted Catra’s statement to Adora about her coming through the portal as being the cause of the world teetering on the edge of oblivion...
... And we a ‘beat of the butterfly's wing’ scenario. One where Catra's childhood was cruelly torn apart, as the consequence of Adora being She-ra… the events of which have lead up to the tragic creation of the collapsing portal, all because, as a child, Catra fell in love with the wrong little girl-
… A little girl... who was pulled through a portal from another dimension… to fulfill a dark purpose of wielding a super weapon capable of annihilating the First One's enemies or even the universe itself… who was then taken in by a abusive unfeeling monster in SW… who planned to weaken Adora and then corrupt She-ra, to use her for SW's own dark purpose… who then, recognizing Catra's incredible love and devotion towards her intended victim… abused and nearly destroyed Catra's spirit as punishment...
Everything bad that's happened to Catra happened as part of a series of events which began when Adora was pulled into Catra's plane of existence: Adora is the beat of the butterfly's wing which unleashed a hurricane of bad consequences, resulting in Catra being abused so cruelly...
… And that pain has continued right up to the present moment... where a emotionally lost and desperate Catra opened a portal… destabilizing reality… leaving Adora in the desperate position of trying to save reality… which will cost the life of her friend's mother… all while Adora faces down this angry, hurt, betrayed, confused, and heartbroken Catra who she left behind... hurting her so deeply.
::Now... is it personally Adora’s fault that this butterfly effect occurred? Of course not, I do not mean to suggest that!! (Also, even though it's not Adora's fault, she still accepts the burden of generational trauma and wants to help fix it..) But that's the point: Adora never had a choice in becoming She-ra, just like Catra never had a choice with the childhood trauma that happened to her. Adora played no part in SW’s decisions, and she has always tried to do the right thing all along… and Catra nee- WAIT NO jkbdbejbksjkb ahhhh ok I'm not going to get into it here! It would take too long…
👏🌺🙂 Let's shift gears instead~
In closing , I'd like to share one possible reason that Catra may have been able to become Corrupted Catra, instead of just disappearing like everyone else did... after she seemingly chose to end it all the episode before by falling into the fires of the collapsing reality:
This theory has to do with Madam Razz.
... So, when Catra falls into the light the episode before, Adora then runs, crying, and shortly finds Madame Razz, who tells her to "go back to the beginning". After her little inspirational speech to Adora, Razz then leaves Adora and purposefully walks into the burning light of the collapsing reality... only to have Corrupted Catra emerge moments later, who then tails Adora until the moment where she catches Adora and begins her monologue... Coincidence? Maybe, or maybe not...
In season 4, episode 10 we see Razz lament the fact that she wasn't able to help Mara overcome and survive the nefarious plan the First Ones made for her. The episode then ends with Razz leaving the pie for Mara, in remembrance of her sacrifice... Razz's struggle with her failure to Mara is very emotionally depicted...
... But, now Razz has a chance to help Adora succeed where Mara failed. So, how does she do that, when the First Ones plan for Adora, and the unstable power of the Heart, is so insidious?
Well… how about by making sure Adora has the one person who truly loves her and who she truly loves back there to help her ? Is it therefore possible, since it is apparent that Razz can travel through the portal realities as she wishes, that she might have encountered Catra, and then sent her back on her way to Adora, as Corrupted Catra, as a way of helping to heal the divide between the two girls ?
... Because the truth is that both girls are in sore need of a new understanding of their situations:
Adora needs to understand that she has to keep fighting, because she's She-ra and there's no going back, now. Dark plots and Catra’s broken heart can't stop her, she has to succeed now, or all is lost.
And Catra must come to understand how all of her anger is wrong: that it's corrupt, and is the product of malicious peoples attacks on both her and Adora, all of their entire lives, and so her anger, and the defensiveness she feels because of it, is a mistake. Catra also needs to break free of the trauma cycle and to figure out how to help Adora succeed in saving the universe, and Corrupted Catra's knowledge helps Catra do both of these things.
So, Corrupted Catra is the push in the right direction... that both girls need, in order to stop the Heart and defeat Horde Prime…
So this is my belief as to how Catra returns as this representative of the deep magic of Etheria: Catra is not allowed to die, like she wanted, and perhaps by Madame Razz’s intervention, she returns as Corrupted Catra, who then gives both girls guidance as to where their paths must now go so they can correct things...
Anyways, so, so hard prove, and I won't call it a theory... perhaps, it'll only ever be a dream... 🕊
That's it for now. I hope you enjoyed this..!
As always, feedback is always welcome! And if you have questions, I will be happy to answer them!
Peace and Love 💫
~EtheriaDearie
P.S. :: as I am new to tumblr, if you enjoyed reading this, please consider giving me a reblogg! Thanks!! 🙇💛
Today’s goal is an in-depth look at one of the most beautiful and breathtaking episodes of She-ra: “Promise”
Storywise, it’s incredibly important to the series, and focuses entirely on Catradora. It’s the first time since Adora left Catra behind to seek out the sword that the girls really have an opportunity to talk, and things are not going well. Both of them are royally pissed off at the other, with good reason.
For Adora, we’re gonna deflate that proud hair poof of hers a bit, as we’ll take an honest look at her as a person at this point in her life. And Catra… she’s really guarding her feelings closely, as she’s already deeply angry with Adora. But we will use the combination of Catra’s younger self in the memories they see, plus looking at other times in the series that relate to this episode, where she was less guarded, in order to understand her as a person at this time. Also: warning: tl;dr, best enjoyed while cozy with a drink..
To get started, we skip to when they end up stuck together…
After Adora takes drastic measures to ward off the security spiders by collapsing the tunnel, the girls are now stuck together, and so… they talk…
We immediately see how incredibly irritated they are with each other as Adora chides Catra for being in the Crystal Castle, since the monsters will continue to attack them as long as she’s protecting Catra… only to have Catra retort that she didn’t ask for protection. Some snippy bickering back and forth happens, then…
Adora asks: “Does Shadow Weaver know you’re here?” Very deadpan assertion from Adora. She knows Catra must be disobeying orders, she just doesn’t know why.
“I’d say Shadow Weaver has bigger problems right now”. Catra is already starting her move against SW back at the Horde. With SW abusively blocking her every move within the Horde, and now that Catra knows that SW was going to mind wipe Adora, Catra has decided she must deal with her abuser.
Adora puts on her telltale sideways grin, and Catra chafes at Adora’s flirtation, saying “I told you it’s not because I like you” downplaying Adora’s suggestion that this was the reason she let her go. Catra freely admits here that she does like Adora, but it’s not the real reason she did it. Still, Catra doesn’t explain further, and we see later that Catra often lets Adora explain away her actions this way… but that Adora constantly misses the deeper truths.
"Where are your new best friends? I thought you did everything together”. She’s very snarky and dismissive of Adora and her flirting. She’s mad about Adora leaving her for her new life.
“The ones you let SW imprison and curse?” Adora is angry at Catra for what she did, which was a sudden escalation of things by Catra.
“Yeah obviously, what other friends would I be talking about?” An obvious dig at Adora for leaving her, everything behind. She deadpans this, staring back plainly. Catra is obviously really angry at Adora… while Adora is legitimately mad at Catra for doing something so nasty to Bow and Glimmer…
::Let’s take a moment to talk about Catra’s feelings about Adora’s new friends: Catra feels horribly betrayed by this. Adora completely tossed her aside, and replaced her with Bow and Glimmer. What comes to mind is at the end of Sea Gate, Catra is thrown in the water and then looks up at Adora, who is celebrating and cuddling with Bow and Glimmer. Catra is emotionally forlorn watching this, as Scorpia comes to drag her off to safety, Adora doesn’t even look back towards her.
She’s forgotten, Adora showed no love towards her at all in that scene (and then hardly any at Princess Prom, either). Adora ignored her plea for her to return, she didn’t reach out to Catra at all. And now she watches her cuddle with her new friends: everything Catra thought she had with Adora meant nothing, and she’s been replaced with these feel goodie goods who are fawning all over Adora.
Suffice to say, Catra couldn’t do this, she’s got way too many issues with emotional intimacy and touch aversion. So she watches Adora, seeing that what she offered her wasn’t good enough, knowing because of it she’s forgotten. Catra was trying really hard to be a close friend to Adora in spite of her issues, but as we will see, Adora wasn’t trying to understand what was going on with Catra. And because of this, Catra was too afraid to express her affection openly, and yet here’s Adora… accepting all of Bow and Glimmer’s love, for which Adora really did nothing to earn. Adora took Catra’s friendship for granted while ignoring her deeper needs, as will be explained, then completely abandons her, not even seeming to miss her. Catra is deeply hurt by the unfairness of this.
>Catra stares back at Adora, frustrated when she doesn’t even acknowledge their lost friendship.
“Well, we don’t need to go together. You do your weird little magic quest thing I’ll find my own way out”. Catra looks resentfully at the sword on Adora’s back as she says this. Catra is laying down boundaries, except it’s useless since they are trapped together. But, boundaries are important to Catra and as the episode progresses, Adora shows that she doesn’t really understand Catra’s.
>As they walk along, both girls’ shadows loom equally tall. The symbolism is that in this story, both are equally important… it’s also a shockingly beautiful sequence. (pic above)
After entering the room of infinite darkness, Catra tries to separate from Adora but the door is gone, they are stuck together. Weird things start happening. As the Fright Zone appears, both of them are confused. Adora decides to suspect Catra, after all, she attacked her friends. But as Adora grabs Catra, Catra is surprised and confused… Catra doesn’t like being touched unexpectedly, Adora knows this but is ignoring that and attacking her. She gets treated as an enemy when she clearly hasn’t done anything wrong, and it sets the tone for the two of them: Adora has constantly treated Catra as an enemy since the very moment she defected, not even trying to understand Catra’s point of view. And so Catra increasingly emotionally distances herself from Adora. Catra angrily casts Adora’s arm aside, not liking being vilified by her, and Adora doesn’t understand why Catra is so upset. Catra slips away to explore, needing space from her.
The way Adora immediately suspects and then attacks Catra is symbolic to the whole episode: by defecting to the Rebellion, Adora chose to start treating Catra, and her entire unit, as enemies, backing it up with hostility. But Catra doesn’t really agree that the horde is evil… in her experience, it’s just how life is.
>The two girls, now separated, call out to each other. Adora hears Catra’s call, then another: young Catra is behind her, looking lost and insecure. Catra joins Adora as their first memory has just begun…
Visual parallels:: and how the ✨Dream✨ is canon Catradora romance 💓💫💞🏳️🌈
::A SPOP quick study of this theory. Also, SPOILER ALERT if you haven't finished the show! 🚨🚨🚨
Save the Cat and Heart Part 2 are highly parallel episodes- in fact, they're mirrored. Including, but especially, the dream itself-
The message? That we're actually seeing Catra in the dream with Adora, and it is a canon romantic moment for us to appreciate. 💞🏳️🌈
Catra is in the dream with Adora - as the dream is actually a simulation, like the ones that Catra and Adora shared together during Promise. And what Catra is doing is trying to cheer Adora back to life- just like Adora did for Catra when she was teetering on the edge of the platform in Save the Cat.
That the two scenes are so purposefully mirrored is an artistic message for us to understand-- As Catra holds her hand out to Adora in the dream, it is the mirror of Adora holding her hand out to Catra in Save the Cat.
This mirroring* of the story and visuals is shown repeatedly throughout the episodes, and not just in the dream itself. (* if confused, see below)
Another visual parallel gives us more clues about Catra's presence: Catra's decision to stay with Adora moments before the dream is visually parallel to how she stands with Adora during the dream. Because, Catra is deciding to show her true feelings, including that she's willing to 'stand behind' Adora as the hero, something which is new as of this moment.
And in the dream, Catra shows that she stands with Adora as her loving partner, and she also shows Adora that she's in love with her.
'I'm your idiot'
In Save the Cat, when Catra ever so fondly calls Adora an idiot, Adora completely accepts it. She's admitting that she should have understood sooner how Catra was attacked all of their lives, and that Adora not looking out for Catra, and then leaving her, was hurtful.
And in the dream, Catra shows the same love and acceptance as Adora, in this case she's admitting that she's in love with Adora. Catra is telling Adora that being in love is what makes Catra want to drop her cool collected mannerisms around Adora, and instead be vulnerable and sweet. Aka, Catra is letting herself be an idiot in love during the dream for Adora's sake.
Ok so moving on to how the entire episodes are visual mirrors, starting from the very beginning of Heart Part 2. They mirror onward from the point when Prime touches Catra's shoulder during Save the Cat. Also, Shadow Weaver takes Prime's place because she's the overarching villain of the show.
More very closely mirrored scenes well before the dream: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, what do I see ? Two girls mirroring their love for each other so they can save them!! 🪞💞🪞 Catra's refusing to leave Adora when she's told to is the mirror of Adora telling Catra that she's not giving up on her during Save the Cat.
Prime's behavior also mirrors Save the Cat. And when he shocks Catra making her fall, Adora refuses to give up and instead risks jumping off the platform to save her. During the dream, Catra's intervention tells us that she must have seen Prime trap Adora- and so, Catra, too, refuses to give up, and she finds a way to reach Adora and free her. In short: Catra is able to turn Prime's own virus against him to save Adora, as Catra became infected with it along with Adora when the monster attacked her. (see Catra's right hand, above).
More beautifully mirrored emotions and story- Note: Adora perfectly mirrors Catra's emotions (in last panel) right before she unlocks her true She-ra form to fight off Prime, but, I wanted to show continuity with the healing scene. In both scenes, Adora's "It's ok, I'm here" and then "We're going home" are very similar to Catra's "I've got you, I'm not letting go!!"
Finally, the healing scene and the kiss are very similar as well. When Adora heals Catra, they are both enveloped by magic, and the same thing happens during the kiss. Why? Because Catra has incredible magical harmony- such as when she returns as Corrupted Catra, and her magical bond with Melog. Catra's kiss heals the virus in Adora, and their love for each other is what allows Catra to help Adora absorb the Heart's power-- 🌟❤️🏳️🌈
:: Hiya, and thanks for reading!! This is most of all a celebration of the incredible beauty and amazing romance we see during the dream. And yet, wouldn't it be even more beautiful if there were a way by which Catra was with Adora in her dream, whereby she romances Adora back to life? It's just a theory, I admit. But the mirroring that Noelle & Friends have put in the story with such apparent deliberateness may very well mean that we really are seeing the girls being their absolute most romantic and beautiful for each other. Either way, the dream is a ✨stunning✨ sequence.
:: So, I hope you at least enjoyed this, and please do ask questions! If you want more background on my reasoning, feel free to read my full theory post here. Either way, I welcome your questions and comments, and I will try to respond to all of them! So thank you for reading, or for even a like or a reblogg!!!
~EtheriaDearie 🏳️🌈💞💫
a bonus picture::
Very clever, reflecting the girls top to bottom rather than left to right! But really, Horde Prime's monologues in each episode are very similar. That's all, and thanks for reading! ❤️
definition- ::Mirroring: when two images are arranged opposite, as if they are reflections in a mirror. For example, in Save the Cat, Adora holds out her right hand to Catra from the left, and during the dream Catra holds out her left hand to Adora from the right. ✌️😁💜
Hi! First of all, love your blog!! I have a question that I would love to hear your thoughts on - I love your analysis of catra and think so much of it is spot on. I love hearing about how much of her actions have come from a place of love for adora.. I was wondering what about the scene where she cuts adora off the cliff to presumably fall to her death? was she really in that moment ok with killing her? what do you think about Moments like that where we see the physical harm she is willing
Catra's long walk through darkness to being the light of Adora's life-
This is such an important moment so thanks for bringing it up. To put things simply, Catra believes she’s not killing Adora. In fact, I'm certain she KNOWS she isn't. How am I sure? Because what we’re seeing play out is something deeper, that is, in fact, magic... (meta to come, but first…)
Pictured: four times Catra encounters Etheria's magic- (Promise/Promise/Portal/Heart Part2)
Promise is the most important episode of SPOP prior to s5, it really has no equal. The fractured history of their relationship before we meet them in ep1 is revealed, and as such, the reasons Catra feels she must be apart- all while there are actually three forces acting upon both Catra and Adora. I hear about two of them, but what's the third?
I'd encourage anyone reading this meta to carefully listen as Catra makes Adora fall. Because what we're hearing is important. (feel free to do so now or later)
🎶🎵 Do you hear it? 🎶🎵 Why does the music rise and then gloriously crescendo as Catra says her final goodbye?
The music rising here makes this an 🎶undeniably🎶 positive moment for Catra. This is -their- song, Promise, and it crescendos as Catra leaves Adora. So what's the deal?
Well, in short, it means that Catra leaving Adora is the right thing. How can that be. Well, Adora's willingness to sacrifice herself, and others, who she loves, to fulfill duty is wrong. Adora isn't becoming a hero like the Princesses and Light Hope tell her she is, she's walking into a millennia old trap. Catra has seen this behavior before, and Adora’s not choosing the strong path of a hero of love.
Adora’s false belief in duty means that she goes from fulfilling one manipulator's every wish, Shadow Weaver, to another when she gets the sword- the First Ones. And Catra knows in her gut that Adora is wrong, like she has been before. So, Catra -must- refuse to enable her any longer. In doing so, Catra is rightly asserting her own personal worth.
The narrative arc goes on to show us that in s1-4 Adora not a hero, and the reasons Catra is rejecting her during Promise are exactly why she's not on the true path of She-ra: By rejecting love, Adora cannot be a hero, she instead enacts a false form of false justice thats based in naive belief and others prejudices. This is why Catra wanted to go, because she’s seen it all before- where Adora rationalizes others' pain as part of her false duty, letting her anxious need to satisfy others control her.
Yes, the war is terrible, and Catra is directly involved in its cruelty. We should absolutely fault her for that. I'll of course talk about Adora's violence being similar, but Catra indeed rationalizes violence as necessary in a terribly biased way. Like many of you, I found her s4 portrayal hard to stomach and I didn't know if she could come back from who she seemed to have become. It took Nate Stevenson’s genius s5 for me to realize he had done something amazing with her and Adora’s arcs. Yet, in the subtext of the plot it's obvious that Catra shouldn't go with Adora, as well as that the war that they fight in s1-4 isn't quite what it seems... (more later)
In the most basic way possible, Catra would not want to go along with Adora considering her false behavior, but this is a decision reinforced by the power of magic, which we’ll discuss. Catra’s choices are rooted in survival always, (not in wanting power or proving herself, nuhuh) and the way Adora treated her was abandonment which encouraged the violence she was up against from their abuser. It's not surprising Catra would want to go her own way, and so the only way she sees for herself to survive is within the Horde. It's about survival, simply that.
And Adora, meanwhile, can't have her cake (trying to enact a false form of She-ra justice) and eat it too (have Catra’s love.) She feels loneliness where Catra used to be because of her own falseness that she’s acting out due to her traumas. Going on emotions alone there are good reasons for their separation, and both are wrong, but there's also a magical force here that's leading them both up to the true crescendo of Promise when Catra confesses her love…
But I digress, let's discuss the meaning of Promise, and the hidden magic behind what happens.
The 3 forces: two good, one "evil"
The first of the three forces acting on Catra and Adora in Promise is plain to see: the love which they have for each other, which ought to mean that they can heal their divide. But, as we know, their love is too fractured at this point to do so.
The next is our 'evil' force- Light Hope, who most people assume is controlling what they see in the Crystal Castle to manipulate and divide them towards the ends of enacting the First Ones plan of destroying Etheria. But, does this explanation really make sense, or does it lack something?
Why would Nate Stevenson have the music soar as Catra walks away from Adora if that were the case? Promise being so gloriously played as she does this makes this a positive moment for Catra, although melancholy, and not the moment of Light Hope's triumph in her dark plot. We don't hear this song played so gloriously again until s5 when Catra confesses her love, when the music reaches its true crescendo. Maybe the music here means that Catra mustn't go with Adora, for Adora’s own sake-?
This is what I mean by a third, mysterious and -magical- force, that's also acting on them, which is on the side of good, but is seeing the long game and trying to avert the larger disaster we see at the end of s4 when the weapon is activated- the evil First Ones plot nearly coming to fruition and destroying them all. This force gives Catra a push towards separating from Adora during Promise, where it is letting history play out so that Adora's falseness as its hero is exposed. This force is deep planetary magic...
The rising of the music is a hint its presence, but the direct evidence of it is seen during strange happenstances in Promise, which we’ll discuss, as well as further occurrences later on in the series. What this force is trying to accomplish is the halting of that evil plot, as that is paramount, and is working towards Adora developing into the hero of love she's supposed to be. Adora needs to have the strength of self to reject false manipulations and burdens, in order to defeat their true enemies all along- the First Ones and Horde Prime.
And, for Adora to confront her own wrong baises, Catra cannot enable her false rationalizations any more. So, the magic is acting on Catra, helping her to decide to go. It's not just her anger at Adora's rationalizing away her pain that's guiding Catra's decision to let Adora struggle alone as a false hero, the magic tells her that she's right. If Adora can't see how she's wrong, like how she didn't know Shadow Weaver continued to torture Catra, then being apart is what’s right for Catra and also what will enable Adora to come to terms with her own weaknesses. All of which needs to happen for Adora to realize the path of the hero of love, and for them to come back together in the end and win with the power of love.
This force guiding Catra is the deep magic of Etheria, the magic of love.
Razz describes magic as a source of beauty and of good, which cannot be controlled, it just is.
It is love, as well as the beautiful diversity of life, it is its own innate force- and love is more powerful than anything in the universe. Loving is perhaps the greatest thing we can do during our lives…
And, as we first see Catradora in episode 1, there's hardly any love, especially from Adora back to Catra. After all, Adora rationalized and enabled their abusers actions. Catra, in contrast, was still doing her best to love Adora as of ep1, to wake her from her anxious need to satisfy Shadow Weaver, to bring her back to love. But she had no way to reach her, because Adora had stopped listening to her long ago...
During Promise, Etheria's magic sees that Catradora is but a whisper of its potential, and it needs both of them to be strong by love. Adora may go on to learn to be a hero of love the hard way, making many mistakes with grave consequences, but Catra’s journey alone and the dark consequences of her actions will give her the wisdom she needs to be strong enough to be with Adora, who is the focus of over a millennia's of violence and deception. It's Catra who knows to double down on love, and by doing so is able to unlock Adora’s power of love that lets them win in the end.
But I digress- what does the guidance of this mysterious force look like, and what are its intentions?
The first uncanny moment of its intervention can be seen when Adora beings to fall and Catra catches her:
The way the plot has Catra so casually in position to catch Adora feels unnatural. That's because, as we’re watching this scene, Catra is in no position to save Adora, having distanced herself from Adora because she was pestering Catra about why she returned the sword, aggravating her.
Catra so illogically being out of place to save her here is a hint that there's something else going on. It's as if Catra knew Adora would fall before it happens…
This is what I mean by guiding force, because I believe this is exactly what we're seeing- where it's Etheria’s magic guiding this moment, not Light Hope. It sets a trust fall moment for them. And we can see how Adora doesn't get it:
We know in canon that Catra always loved Adora (also, Catra's tail flirt at the end ☺️), but the prejudiced viewpoint Adora shares here shows just how little she gets it. Like how she didn't know Catra continued to be tortured by Shadow Weaver, like how she didn't know the Horde was evil before Glimmer berates and guilts her over it, yet Catra did. Adora is far too focused on duty and satisfying others unfair expectations to see the truth, it was true before she switched sides and it's true afterwards, and that’s how she's not on the true path of She-ra.
We're also seeing the thesis moment of Promise here, because the rest of the episode plays out to show us just how wrong Adora is. We see the memory of Catra being tortured and then treated with death threats by their abuser, how Adora came up short in standing up to Shadow Weaver, and then how she went on to break the promise she made to Catra in order to satisfy their abusers expectations. Adora has a naive belief in duty due to her trauma that's being exposed and which prevents her from being the true She-ra.
During this moment of Catra catching Adora it's not so much that Adora misstepped, than that the magic changed the ground to make sure Adora would start to fall- setting up the trust fall, of which Catra is given privileged knowledge is about to happen, that exposes Adora’s false mentality for us to see.
::I suspect Catra likely feels this coming like hearing a whisper in the back of her mind. It is the first of many guidances from the magic... how it happens doesn't really matter, as we see further evidence of interventions on their behalves later in the series. But in Promise, she will act on this whisper, which confirms to her that her feeling that Adora is misguided are justified, like she has seen Adora be before. Since Adora had closed herself off emotionally to any guidance Catra tries to give her at this point in the series, Catra will choose to go alone instead.
So, there really is no way Catra would be with Adora at this point in the series; hoping she’d be with her with Adora’s falseness as a friend is hoping for something that was simply not there. Catra, as the person who Adora stopped valuing with love, will (unconsciously) play the part of Adora’s foil in s1-4 that's needed to expose the weakness that makes her no hero of love. This is where Catra's needed, and Etheria knows Adora’s failure to trust in love will lead to her failing as Etheria's hero, something that must be corrected if the cycle of violence is to ever actually stop- as she goes on to do at the end of s5. It's guidance is a nudge in the direction of Catra leaving so Adora will learn how she's a false hero.
Adora really does have a problem with letting others misguide her, Light Hope of course but also Glimmer, who forces false burdens on her unthinkingly. Adora must instead choose love over false duty and burdens, because love is what can guide her hero's journey and will make her strong enough to overcome the really difficult things that history is asking of her. Catra will help her do this gladly in s5, but don't make the mistake of assuming Adora in s1 was capable of accepting Catra's love and advice, she’s blocked it off from herself with her anxious trauma guided beliefs. In truth, Adora needed to change for the better just as much as Catra did.
Now, I realize that this theory may be hard to accept, because it means Etheria stans the war, if only a bit. But, with how much is wrong with the war, such as the prejudices the Princesses show while further being ignorant of how they're part of a First Ones weapon, there are no easy solutions to fixing this. Etheria needs them all to be stronger, but to be strong they must choose that strength for themselves- the strength of love, it cannot tell them what to do. Doing that produces no real strength.
They must learn- the hard way: Catra and Adora must choose to value love by their own will, but that doesn't mean Etheria isn't going to remain idle when so many seek to manipulate and destroy them, especially such as with Adora, who is the focus of Light Hope and the First Ones plots.
It's acting on them both here, but as it just so happens, there's another time the magic guides Catra during Promise-
The next time we see Etheria guiding Catra is as she watches Adora make the promise to her child self that was broken, and then Catra's child self stops to look back at Catra, her eyes full of meaning:
Catra's child self's actions here isn't a memory, it's an addition, one added by Etheria as it tries to communicate to Catra the gravity of Adora’s misguided behavior. I really can't accept the idea that Light Hope produced this moment, because she's not some perfect abuser. There is way too much nuanced emotion occurring.
Etheria’s magic, on the other hand, is a living thing- even if not human, it intimately understands love as a powerful force that exists in nature, and it's telling Catra to not enable Adora's false heroes path any longer. Not when she values love so little as to give in to prejudice and allow others ignorant and/or self centered narratives to guide her.
Their real enemies- the First Ones and Horde Prime, will be able to exploit Adora’s fragile guilt complex against her- by accepting the sword, she stepped into their trap. Because of that, in s1-4 a thousand years of manipulations are right on track to give the First Ones what they want- destroying Etheria, something that can only be stopped once and for all if Adora accepts her true self, her loving heart that makes her the hero of love. And Catra, while the Horde IS wrong, is providing the proving grounds needed for Adora to develop her own hero's way by allowing a false conflict to continue.
Adora remains misguided all the way until s4, when she starts to trust her own feelings, laying the groundwork for being the true She-ra we see in s5. It really does take her this long to do this, she really turns the corner on it for the better when she voices total rejection of the First Ones control in s4 as she smashes the sword, instead speaking her own mantra based on love. And, this rejection of the roles made for her by others happens in large part because of Catra’s unwillingness to accept Adora as someone who enacts naive and false justice. Even if it's hard to watch, Catra refusing to enable Adora was correct.
::As Catra's child self looks at her, magic is trying to tell Catra that following Adora now would mean nothing would ever actually get better, and that her behavior will result in further disaster. Catra decides then that following Adora would be the wrong thing to do...
::So no: Catra isn't trying to kill Adora at all, or even at any point in the series. We can take her words at the Battle of Brightmoon, that she knew Adora wouldn't die, to heart. Not that it's also easy to see how she knows that they are inside a simulation, and that on some level none of it is real, and that she therefore knows Adora is not in real danger if she falls.
But, Catra can feel that something else is trying to tell her that Adora is wrong, confirming her suspicions that Adora is on a false path once again. This force is Etheria’s magic, and it will guide her yet again...
That's the short answer, but we should talk about the other evidence of Etheria’s guidance and it's implications. Next up in our journey: the Portal episodes.
Later Evidence of Catra's connection to Etheria’s magic
Etheria’s next guidance happens during the Portal event, when all hope seems lost and Etheria is vanishing towards non-existence. The veil that separates magic and reality thins, and because of it, we get Corrupted Catra, returned from death instead infused with knowledge gifted by Etheria’s magic about She-ra’s of past to teach Adora that she is playing into the First Ones trap, read the full meta here if confused, or here's a handy summary:
As the world is collapsing into nonexistence, Etheria’s magic takes this opportunity to give Catra all of the knowledge she could ever desire that Adora and the Princesses are on a false path that’s naive, ignorant, and will lead to the fruition of the evil plans made for them by the First Ones, as well as giving Catra the whole history behind She-ra and the wrongness that’s allowed this to come to pass.
In s4 Catra at first takes this given knowledge to mean she must pursue renewed war against the Princesses, as well as against her abuser, >whom they are harboring<, before realizing her knowledge of the history of events leading to this wrongness means she’s in a unique position to help Adora overcome it all during s5- for the sake of love and survival. Probably a discussion for another time, so I digress.
The final major whisper happens in s5 while Adora is dying in the Heart chamber. As she is slipping towards death having given in to despair, Catra is able to save her by sharing the dream with her with Etheria’s help: it links their consciousnesses together. Read the full meta above if confused, or quickly here:
This isn't a random vision Adora has, they both see it and it's the personification of Catra’s love brought to life with some help from Etheria’s magic, to show Adora what she has to live for. It's magic, and yeah it's tapping into Adora's own repressed feelings as well as Catra's, and it can do so because while the Heart may be a machine, the magic inside it isn't- it has its own living consciousness and it understands what their love means. Etheria itself powers this moment, it is their biggest shipper- it helps them win in the end!
To conclude; each time it has an opportunity to act, like it does during Promise (because they are inside a simulation), the magic of love does so to help and guide Catra. And, by association, Adora. It's with Catra’s guidance that Adora is strong enough to absorb the Heart and win, as Catra is the one who brings Adora back to the power of love. Catradora love is so powerful that it can save the universe, but by theory, it doesn't happen without a little help from the wisdom of Etheria magic- and its innate knowledge of the power of love.
This masterful level of narrative arc is something I'm certain Nate Stevenson is capable of. And so, Adora and Catra aren't apart to make the plot work, it's a necessary part of Etheria’s magic guiding them towards the power of love, and helping them towards correcting the systematic wrongs of their world once and for all. While that equals Catra being on the wrong side of history, her resistance is part of proving to Adora how she is wrong as a hero. It was necessary.
But aside from that, let's talk about how Catra uses violence, since this AMA directly brings it up-
SPOP is a great show where there's a lot going on behind the scenes. Because of that, I think people tend to make up assumptions to fill in gaps they can't yet figure out. It's only natural, but one way I feel a lot of SPOP fans go wrong is when they suggest that Catra enjoys and seeks violence.
That's not really true- the data doesn't back it up. For example, Catra always holds back from killing. It's true in every fight, it's true like a dozen times over while she has Adora captured and at her mercy, but let's talk about the one time Catra had every reason to feel justified in killing.
This would be in s4 when Hordak comes after her. There's no doubt Hordak has deadly intent, to maim or to kill her, so it makes total sense that Catra would justify killing out of self defense. But instead, she goes to elaborate lengths to make Hordak land the final blow upon himself.
Catra sets him up to be done in by his own anger- he damages the forge equipment which crushes him while trying to kill her. So, even at the point of extreme personal peril, while Catra knocks him into the path of the falling equipment, she's making sure her own hands are clean. She really abhors killing- and she's fighting in control, always.
Therefore, any time we assume Catra is trying to kill is suspect of our own prejudices. She chooses not to, that's a line she chooses not to cross. I can say personally as someone that had to win fights brutally to protect my life and sanity, that I did have pride in winning those fights. That's what you're seeing on Catra's face. But, I can also tell you that everything about actual fighting disgusted me, and Catra is the same.
Catra grew up in a system where the violence was always going to come for her, fighting back was necessary and right. I can't empathize enough how being in such a position changes your outlook on life, and if you didn't experience her situation, you might not understand her. And yes indeed, as time goes on, Catra’s reliance on fighting does run out of control, so much so that it leads to her losing conscious control over it, such as shocking Entrapta and opening the Portal. But to that, let me say, in how Catra felt threatened by her abuser at that moment, it's surprising she didn't snap *sooner*- everyone has a breaking point, and after careful watching, I'm certain Catra considers that moment her greatest failure.
But hey, what fun is a meta without comparing her to her counterpart? What we actually see is that when put under pressure, Adora loses all control over her emotions and lashes out. This is in addition to how she’s self destructive, as we all know.
Adora does, in canon, almost kill Catra multiple times. I'm not even going to discuss Legend of the Fire Princess, you can read a discussion here. Instead, let's look at the Battle of Brightmoon.
How is it so easy for Catra to make Adora lose all control?
In part this difference in fighting with control comes from how Catra grew up under mortal danger from their abuser, she learned to be prepared to defend herself, either physically, or mentally against torture. She became hyper vigilant, and learned where the line between life and death stands, as well as her own breaking points. She learned how to act so she could hide her emotions, she sees bad things coming from miles away, and she prepares for them. When she leaves Adora in Promise, she can tell Adora is being manipulated yet again, reason enough to not follow her.
Adora, in contrast, was the target of the manipulations and the teacher's pet, and as such was supposed to win every contest, so she was treated that way by her teammates. At the moment she finds the sword, Adora is a person who’s never actually been in a fight, she doesn't know how to control her fear or her anger. Everything she's done was a training exercise. So, her emotions run out of control all the time.
All Catra had to do to make her snap was play on her guilt complex and fear of failing, something Shadow Weaver instilled in her to make her die for sacrifice, yet Catra can't stop herself from seeing Adora as being weak for giving in to it. It is indeed a weakness, and meanwhile, when Adora left she passed total judgment against everyone in her old life on the word of a manipulative computer program. She fails to try to understand them and goes on to try to win the war against them through extreme violence alone, she does this not out of some great moral clarity- she does it mostly out of guilt over how Glimmer and Angella make her feel bad about it- yet Glimmer is one the most flawed and prejudiced characters we see.
Adora is failing that critical test, and her behavior mirrors a lot of irl behavior we see in people who claim and want to be good but end up hurting others because of their naive understanding of what good actually is. Also, remember that Catra does come full circle in s5 to see how Adora was hurt in order to be controlled by guilt, and helps her get past it. She's the one person who can really get through to Adora on this matter. Catra is the only person who ever really tries to put the brakes on Adora’s need to anxiously satisfy others, not going along with her was part of this, and in s5 she insists that Adora stops doing it yet again.
Catra continues to object to Adora's misguided choices in s5, and she deserves praise for this, even if in the past she refused to go with Adora and fought the war instead. Adora’s behavior has to stop sometime, yes she laid the groundwork for it in s4 such as developing her mantra and smashing the sword, but we see how she's still not past what her abuser did to her in her decisions in s5. It'll take Catra's help to break past this, which we'll discuss more below.
So when it comes to violence we're supposed to consider this dichotomy: of Adora's unstable mentality and Catra's careful application of force. Nate is playing our presumptions against us by doing so, and asking us to look deeper. Because, when we investigate violence, we see it's actually Catra who can meter her violence to the situation, and it's Adora who's violence runs out of control. Catra uses violence precisely, usually as a tool for survival, she doesn't enjoy it. These are fights that were always going to come for her and she's not running from them. During s1-4, Catra is very deliberate with her choices, you can't really say the same about Adora.
Final thoughts: Catra's understanding of survival is what's most important to saving Adora's life-
Ultimately, Catra's arc is about love and not this magic, of course. And in this a big part of her arc is about convincing Adora not to die- Catra, who refused to die all along, must be strong enough to help Adora survive- by showing her how the choice of living is stronger than sacrificing to fulfill her (false) burdens.
We watch along as Catra goes through trauma and learns to faces it head on, she comes to terms with in a way that Adora couldn't... as the focus of a millennia long scheme meant to make her fail. Catra's relationship with trauma, and her experiences of nearly letting herself get killed because of those traumas, allows her to be a guide for Adora in s5 and her help is what powers Adora's final transformation.
This is something the magic helps her to do- because what it's doing is giving her the truth behind it all, so that she can be free to choose love. 😎 Yet, her s1 choice to survive, and to be apart from Adora who endangers her, is not the wrong choice, because, in fact, surviving will be Catra's most important lesson to Adora while she saves her.
Which is to say that we ought to recognize Catra's choosing survival, as opposed to Adora's acceptance of martyrdom, as a form of strength, even if she's working for the wrong side. A lot of what Catra does is inarguably wrong but she's also right about a lot- she's right that Adora betrays love and can seemingly rationalize any act in the name of corrupted duty, Catra barely survives Adora trying to literally kill her multiple times- and no, Catra doesn't ever try to kill her in return.
And Adora chose to rationalize it all in the name of She-ra not out of some great moral calling, but out of an anxious need to satifify others which their abuser instilled in her in order to control her. Catra knows all this and is right to assert that Adora's attempts at being She-ra in s1-4 won't 'fix' anything... and that she'd just continue to get hurt if she went with Adora. So, Catra puts being with Adora on pause and does what she feels she must do to persist- before rejoining Adora in s5 once their most dangerous enemy discovers them all, and helps Adora to chose survival, too.
Adora's view point, in short, is self defeating and pretty nihilistic, whereas Catra's really isn't- she is trying to live when everyone else, Adora included, seems to want her dead.
You cannot really be selfish in demanding to live- life is sacred, and Catra has respect for her sacred right to live that we all have. If people tell you to die for the narrative, as Adora tries to do, what's right is to reject it. Catra is the one who tells Adora not to die because she understands this fundamental truth. Catra shows that sometimes violently rejecting other people's control, if they're trying to kill you, is what's right. And yes, she does take it too far in s1-4, but it's all part of the story of how she surivies long enough to get past her trauma in order to be able to help Adora in s5.
Her understanding of survival is so important to share with Adora because that's where she's strongest yet Adora is weakest... It's also true that Catra understands love much better than Adora, we see that in her love confession, but her telling Adora she's got her love to live for isn't all she does to save her. She also instructs Adora on the wisdom of what it means to fight while respecting your own right to live. Catra, who was told by Shadow Weaver that her life had no value and should just give up and die, knows very well what it means to fight while never giving up.
Catra's words "you've never given up on anything, not even on me" are so important because she's telling Adora not to die like her enemies want her to do, while simultaneously paying respect to Adora's newfound heroic path, telling Adora that she believes in the hero Adora's trying to be. In this moment, Catra knows Adora must chose her right to live, that which is her sacred right, or they are all doomed, and that Adora isn't seeing that choice as the fundamental right that it is. She knows Adora is expecting to sacrifice herself, which she's doing out of guilt.
Catra's words instead help to show Adora how not giving up fundamental right to life is the right choice- she starts by acknowledging how Adora is fighting for the right reasons- such as her mentioning that Adora never gave up on her and returned to save her from Horde Prime- a decision shows that Adora is a true hero. A true hero does not rationalize away someone's death as necessary when they know the person about to die has goodness in them, Adora saw that truth behind Catra's actions, so her rescuing Catra was right. It was a breakthrough moment for Adora, nevermind that she needed to save Catra for the sake of the love they had for each other before Shadow Weaver tried to break each of them...
But, if you know you're fighting for the right reasons, then you must insist on living to prove it through your actions- you can't die to noble sacrifice. Because operating under that belief is a form of weakness. Adora's constantly doing this means she's inherently weak, and all while the world that Adora wants, one that's right and just, can come true- but only if Adora chooses to survive in order to prove it. She has to continue being She-ra. Survival is necessary, because without it there can be no better tomorrows. It's not wrong to want to survive.
So with these words Catra is telling Adora to survive- Catra survived many close calls with death leading up to this moment so that she can tell Adora how to not to give up and die. Through her experience of surviving, Catra finds a way to save Adora from her own self defeating beliefs.
Catra in s5 is a person who's prepared to be her better self- she's processed her trauma to get past it, and is seeing that survival cannot be the only answer to living, you've also got to have something to live for. And that's loving Adora. So after all of that, Catra is not going to let Adora fail, falling to the self destructive habits their abuser instilled in her, and instead shows Adora the way past it all. As the person in the relationship that who's processed her trauma. You have worth. We all have worth! And believing that isn't selfish.
So, it had to be both things, not just Catra telling Adora she's in love with her and she's got that to live for. Adora also has to choose to survive.
So there was no simple answer because of the depth of the problems facing Etheria. They are being lead by princesses who are naive, self involved and ignorant- something Adora blindly devotes herself to. Catra refusing to go along with Adora is a big part of her getting past that misguided framework to be a real hero who can save the universe and stop the cycles of violence for good. And ,if Catra had gone with her? It almost certainly would have resulted in the destruction of Etheria when Light Hope manipulated Adora into activating the heart while having no idea of the consequences. No simple answers- because the princesses are not right in their ways, never mind that the Horde brang war upon them.
The strength of Catra's belief in choosing survival is what leads her to being able to guide Adora past her self destructive nature to save the universe.
When Catra kisses her thus imbuing her with he power of love, we see Adora transformed into someone fundamentally stronger, she's the embodiment of goddess lesbian power that we love. Why Adora becomes so much more powerful is because she is now fighting with an understanding of both parts of what it means to fight from a true position of strength:
To fight while insisting on your sacred right to live,
And to fight with something to live for and the belief that your morals are good and must go forward. Only when you do both can you be your most powerful- you have to have enough respect for yourself to believe you deserve to live!
Adora understood the second point to a degree, but not the first. She was never going to be a complete hero without Catra showing her how to value herself. Now knowing both lessons, Adora is a stronger She-ra than any before her- and is one that can stop the cycle of violence for good.
Catra's story as a message to people like us who survived-
In s5, what we're seeing is a fully emotionally realized Catra, a person who has matured and surpassed her traumas and has gained the wisdom and clarity needed to save Adora, by sharing these hard learned lessons with her. And, we only get to see a fully realized Adora after Catra shares these truths with her- an Adora who can finally step past the trauma thinking their abuser instilled in her.
S5 Catra proves to us that she's this person over and over, she's reclaimed that she must trust in love, yet I still see people doubt her. People sometimes say Catra's transformation in s5 was rushed, but it really wasn't- if you consider how after Etheria's magic showed her the dark truth behind it all, then Catra was in a position to choose the better path- after going through the worst and seeing the truth for what it is. This is her therapy- it's the truth that she's shown by Etheria that gives her the choice to see past her trauma.
Catra's story is a tribute to knowing that if you're in a dark place where you've been hurt like Catra was- know that not giving up is what's right, know that you have a scared right to live, and that your abusers are wrong. Keep fighting, keep believing. Sometimes that fighting will get ugly. But, this attitude she shares with Adora, of never giving up, it allows her to be the all powerful lesbian goddess we love her as. Nate is telling us to not give up- through Catra's story and further showing us how this wise and mature Catra has the strength to help Adora past her trauma as well. He's also telling us to not give up on love. It's one of the most brilliant narrative arcs of all time!
Trust in Catra! Trust in your sacred right to living! Huzzah!
But we're not done explaining Catra's actions, are we? Let's talk about the wrongness of war she's leading on Etheria...
Yes, war is always wrong, but here's what I meant earlier when I said the war on Etheria isn't quite what we expect-
It is, I believe, the canonical truth that Catra did not preside over a army that was committing genocide- one of the most common criticisms of SPOP. But, how is it possible this story is different from the other war stories we're been constantly fed (such as ATLA)? Simply put: it's because Hordak's army had no need to commit genocide.
Do you really think Nate would wants us to skip over this catching point? No, instead Nate decided to cleverly sidestep this issue.
In SPOP, there's never any direct evidence of Hordak's army doing as such, yet we're shown in all explicitness that Horde Prime and the First Ones ARE genocidal. Who were the real enemies all along. That's important. Why Hordak's army doesn't gun down civilians is because the villagers in SPOP never fight in the war, they never ever raise arms against him. It's the Princesses who fight, and furthermore this is reinforced when we see that most of the anger the villagers voice is directed towards the Princesses, not the Horde.
Genocide is mostly motivated out of two factors- one: hatred and racism- let's just say that simply doesn't exist on Etheria. But the second reason is to remove the others side ability to fight back- if everyone's dead, there can be no uprisings. But, the villagers never fight. So, Hordak's army had no need of shoot-to-kill orders.
Contrast this to Horde Prime and the First Ones explicit genocidal intentions, add in the villagers anger not being directed at the Horde but instead at the Princesses for abandoning them to war, and you've got the full story behind how the war was being fought.
Assuming Hordak's army was gunning down civilians is instead a presumption carried over from other stories, but Nate set us up to expect that then subverted the expectation by showing no such thing- and by showing the real enemies explicit genocidal thinking, was asking us to look deeper. SPOP is a show which subverts our presumptions at every turn in order to make a better story. This certainly doesn't absolve Catra of being wrong, but I think we should understand that she's wasn't directing a genocide- I don't think she was capable of doing that.
Catra actions are in no way perfect and we're not supposed to think they are, but I really think Nate intentionally did this so that this catching point would not detract from the overall narrative:
Which is to say that the way Adora tries to be She-ra in s1-4 was never going to 'fix' anything, she's a proof of the flawed heroes stories we saw too often growing up. Victory would be miraculous and not explained, always dues ex machina, and unsatisfying. In SPOP, Adora goes through actual character growth to become the person who can change the world, and she doesn't do it alone. Catra's love is what shows her the way to be better, and it's not easily earned or miraculously given- they struggle to understand and accept each other. And that makes for a much more satisfying conclusion, with a kiss that's so believable that I don't expect to see a more meaningful kiss in media for the rest of my life. Thank you, Nate.
Thanks for reading. I hope I did an ok job discussing a very sensitive topic. This has been the hardest thing I've ever written.
::psps: this isn't the tell all for this theory, it could probably use its own discussion post so let me know your questions.
If you enjoyed it, let me know with a like and please pass it along with a reblogg if you can! We writers really appreciate them most of all because of how tumblr works! Thanks a ton.
Thanks again,
-EtheriaDearie
PS:S: Happy Pride and Nimona release tomorrow!! Yay!! 🏳️🌈🥳
Endgame: a meta emotional exploration of how SPOP's perfect ending relies on no miracles
So, we pick up our story where we left off; Shadow Weaver is dead, having given Catra her chance to save Adora... and to save their love. One final monumental task lies ahead of them, which will determine the fate of the universe...
Adora's final burden weighs heavy, too heavy, and she is sick. Sick in her body from Horde Prime's virus, but also sick in her soul. Years of believing that she must carry the world's burdens that seem to get ever heavier and injurious have left her weary and predicting her own failure. This final task seems all but assured to destroy Adora, as the cruelty which is the universe keeps on telling her that she alone is the hero, and must do what must be done, never mind the consequences to her own life. And Horde Prime has her, his final cruelty is invading her body and weakening her at a time when she needs to be strong... stronger than she has ever been before.
But Catra is here, her beautiful friend who she loves and yearns for. Things are bad, but at least they're together... she looks over at Catra as she carries Adora towards the Heart, seeing a look of total focus and determination. This look is intense, it is Catra's everlasting determination to care for and support her friend, no matter how sick she may be, or how dangerous her final task.
It's a look that Adora has seen before; someone so intensely caring for her above all other things. It happened to her before when Angella bravely flew up to remove the sword from the portal, to protect her. And this isn't the first time Catra has shown this look of care for Adora. But this look is well known to Catra... as we've seen this look before: from the people who cared for Catra during her darkest hours...
This world was cruel to Catra, more so than anyone else in this story. She was always singled out for hurt, her torture both physical and mental, nothing ever seemed to go her way, nobody ever seemed to see her pain. Darkness has chased Catra her entire life, wanting to swallow her up, vanish her into its silent oblivion. And yet, in that darkness, the light still shone down on her. As alone as she ever felt, as misunderstood as she thought she'd always be, those few who cared for her saw her pain, and took care of her. Maybe they couldn't understand why she hurt so bad, lashing out at them in response to their caring for her... and why she always hid the pain, unwilling to acknowledge it, never discussing where the hurt was. But they saw nonetheless, and so they cared for her.
I am, of course, speaking of her two dearest friends... Scorpia and Adora.
TW: discussions of call of the void, and implied discussion of the "s" word and "s" missions etc.
Both of them have shown this exact emotion of care for Catra: Scorpia, at the end of White Out, picks Catra up to carry her to safety, having just watched her friend nearly give up her life because she was so desperate to not lose Adora again. Scorpia decided then that she wouldn't let the darkness swallow Catra up, even though her friend seemed to care not if she had died that day.
And then, again, inside the portal dimension, a reality created by Catra when she pulled the switch, desperate to the point of mentally broken from all of the abuse and heartbreak she had suffered, as the world collapsed around them Adora refused to leave Catra behind. In a moment of ironic payback, Adora picks up a stun rod and shocks a disbelieving Catra: we see Adora first carry her unconscious form with worry and care, and then with unrelenting determination she pilots the skiff, outrunning the burning darkness of the collapsing reality which Catra was so determined to stay in, to die peacefully in its embrace.
And so now the time has come for Catra to pay it all back, to give her best and truest heart in protecting and supporting Adora, the love of her life, and her salvation. Catra knows Adora is hurting, and that the darkness of the void is near. Catra knows what Adora is feeling because Catra has gotten to know that darkness intimately... it has been with her all of her life, especially close these last few years when she thought she had lost Adora forever. She knows the signs well... and she sees it in Adora.
This darkness that chases Adora is a monstrous thing, and it has Adora firmly wrapped in its grip. The abuses of their traitorous stepmother still weigh heavily on Adora, she's never been able to get free of the hurt that Shadow Weaver poisoned her with, it is ever with her, consuming her self belief and destroying her hopes. And Horde Prime's virus infects her, along with his taunting words of her unworthiness as a hero who's destined to fail. But Catra is here, she sees Adora's pain and she's prepared to give her heart and her soul to help Adora overcome it.
Catra doesn't yet know how she can help her friend, her dearest love, with this. She just knows that it's the right thing to do, and somehow, someway, it's her that can help Adora overcome. Catra may have had to fight hard to help Adora be free from Shadow Weaver’s intentions to sacrifice her, but her work is not yet done: Shadow Weaver, in her final moment, told Catra that she is the key to Adora being strong enough to survive the Heart.
It was a gift won out of her determination to face ‘destiny' down and not let it take Adora from her, to call out the darkness that was Shadow Weaver’s manipulations of the two of them, done to give their selfish and abusive parent more power at the cost of the girls' lives. So now, as Catra carries Adora to the heart, she is decided: she will stay with her, and find a way to save her, or die trying. Just like how Adora and Scorpia were unwilling to let Catra be swallowed up by the darkness when she was living without hope, Catra will do the same for Adora, no matter what it takes, no matter how heavy the burden placed on Adora may be. Catra will find the strength to lift that burden and save her, because Adora cannot do this alone... the pain and fear Adora feels is too great for her to overcome alone.
Adora smiles fondly at Catra, who breaks her furious determination to smile back. Adora is so happy that Catra came for her, that she got to see her again. Catra cocks a conspiratorial smile, she's happy, too.
They are momentarily overcome with surprise, seeing that they've reached the Heart. Here they stand, together, at the end of the world... they share a smile, as this is how it should be. Adora stands free of Catra, looking to her in thanks, and trying to will herself into confidence. It takes a moment for Catra to drop her worried look, she knows Adora is still in danger. But she smiles back, wanting to encourage Adora by letting her know that she believes in her. Adora focuses, shows her determination. All that separates her from success and redemption is one final transformation as She-ra... and she is determined to succeed. It is her duty, and fate, she has continued to believe, has brought her here. It was always going to come down to her and this moment, to stop Prime and end the war. She tries to summon the sword...
... Disaster. She can't overcome the virus, as she focuses her magical power, it just opens her up to attack and the virus spreads further into her body. Adora realizes she can't do it, all of her fears are true. She's just a lonely girl, inconsequential and caught up in a heroic destiny she was never worthy of. Adora has always believed her burdens would be the end of her, many times she felt she stood at death's doorstep, and this time is no different... cruelty became a fact of life for her. She screams out in pain as the sickness invades her further, and Catra grabs ahold of her, trying to understand what is wrong, so she can help her.
Adora looks at Catra, she knows she can't hide this from her. She tells her she can't transform, tears forming in her eyes. Things are bad, like she feared they would be. Adora sinks into the belief that she is no hero, it's been a lie all along. She's a fake, getting the sword must have been a mistake after all, a perversion of the First Ones bringing her to Etheria to be their weapon. And she can't even become She-ra... Horde Prime has taken that from her.
As virus spreads into the heart chamber, Catra looks up at it in realization... time is short. Prime is moments from taking everything away from them... she looks on as Adora tells her the full truth: she can't become She-ra because of Prime's virus. Dismayed, Catra tries to understand. She asks if the failsafe won't work without She-ra. Adora looks grim, not meeting Catra's eyes...
Catra sees Adora go inward, shutting her eyes, accepting her dark fate. Catra sees this and understands: Adora is accepting her death, and the void that now calls to her. Her face shows weariness and resignation, Catra knows these feelings well and she's fearful for Adora.
Adora centers her belief long enough to summon the failsafe. She can still do one last good thing for everyone, and fulfill her duty as she dies. She's so tired... it's been a long and exhausting journey ever since that moment when she decided to seek out the sword, leaving her dearest Catra behind in doing so... she didn't realize it would all end like this, with such... finality. A history, and a fate, from which she could not escape. Mara's kind words speak to her, to believe in love, and to not give up, as well as Catra's, asking her to dream of their future... but they are not enough. Her burden is too great, the hour is too late, and Horde Prime is too cruel for her to surpass... so she will do what is needed so that everyone else can keep going without her. She can't let the universe be end like this, it would be amoral for her not to sacrifice herself, after all... She looks to Catra and tells her: "No. It'll work." She doesn't need to live through it for the failsafe to deploy... then everyone is safe and she can finally... rest. She puts on a determined face for Catra... this is how it's got to be, she won't fail now. She tells Catra to leave her to her final task, her solitary burden she unwittingly accepted when she took the sword. Catra shouldn't have to pay this burden as well, and she hopes against hope that Catra will find a way to live on without her.
Catra looks on as Adora does this. She is crestfallen, and knows Adora is telling her that she will die. Catra can't just let Adora accept this... it's not fair for her to just stop living without ever having begun in the first place. She challenges Adora instead... "Adora... what is going to happen to you?" She needs Adora to say it, so she will see it too. So she can see just how unfair this is...
Catra faced down death, refusing to die so many times, just to get to this point. And Adora needs to understand how important it is to fight against those who would kill you as she did. It was never a choice for Catra, death was always near, starting that day they strayed into Shadow Weaver's chambers, and if she hadn't had the will to fight, to desire her life and her own worth, death would have swallowed her up long ago. In those times when she hurt so bad, and death felt so near, all that Catra could do was to scream back with fury and defiance at that void, her anger willing herself to find a way to keep on living just a little bit longer. Even when she knew she had lost all hope, she refused to quit and let that void win, as that felt too wrong to bear... and so she persisted, no matter how she could. At times, even she has faltered... nearly giving in, but it kills her most of all to see Adora so close to give up, now.
So, how? How can she convince Adora to fight with all of her worth, to refuse to give in, when Adora is so decided in her mind that she is destined to die?
Adora walks away, afraid of what Catra is telling her, because she doesn't see a way to make Catra's belief real. She's so... weary... and so alone. She's glad Catra came back so she could see her again... but this is her end. She's She-ra, and this is the way it's got to be. She turns back to her, telling her she's sorry, her eyes brimming with tears, she's so full of remorse and hurt that she can't be with Catra, she knows she's failing her... again, like she did so many times before. Catra is so beautiful to her, she always has been, and she really is all she's ever wanted... but it's too late.
She tells her that they are out of time, and now she must do what has to be done, she will save everyone in this one, final, selfless act, her payment in trade for being the supposed hero that she is. She walks forward and cradles Catra's head in her hands, pulling her forehead gently to hers... one final act of affection... but not a kiss. A kiss would be too cruel, as she knows she must leave Catra now... so she pulls her hands away from Catra, and she tells her that she is ready to die, she is very brave...
… As Adora tells her she must die, Catra has gone... elsewhere. Her eyes are not seeing, no, her mind is inward, racing, searching for a way to keep Adora from dying. She cannot believe this can be Adora's end. How can this be it? Shadow Weaver told her in her final act that there is a way, and the one thing Shadow Weaver was good for was her knowledge... she's just got to find it to help Adora, find the way to strengthen Adora's belief, to undo all of the hurt and manipulations that Shadow Weaver, the First Ones, and Horde Prime put into Adora, making her believe she must die... but she just, can't see it…
She's still in this daze of concentration when she feels Adora's hands gently touch her cheeks, caressing them affectionately, pulling her head to hers. Adora looks... so exhausted, and saddened. Catra's eyes flare in surprise at Adora's touch, she didn't even notice she had walked over to her, this is all happening too fast! And Adora will slip away from her if she fails in this moment, she knows that. As Adora tells her she's ready to die, then pulls her hands away, she knows this isn't right. She grabs them, clutching them tightly as she looks Adora in the eyes, showing her determination to not give up. It isn't right for Adora to have to die like this! And if Adora can't see that, she's got to find a way to make her. So she tells Adora she won't leave, and declares her decree of love instead, it's all she can do is stay with her, to find more time to rescue the love of her life.
"No... No. I'm not leaving. No matter what happens, I'm staying with you!"
Adora cries out mournfully as Catra refuses her plea to leave her... she knows Catra is choosing to stay with her, because she doesn't want to live without her. And this means she is choosing to die as well... as Adora knows she's not strong enough to do this right, she's only a failed hero. But she knows it's Catra's choice to do this, and she understands that Catra is being brave... Adora turns to face the heart once more, trying to be brave as well.
As Adora turns and faces her burden, Catra stands closely with her. She wants so badly to love Adora, and protect her, so she reaches out and puts her hands on Adora's shoulders as a token of protection, to let Adora know that she has her, and supports her. Adora is the most important thing Catra has ever known, and her love for her is unending.
Image overlay meta HERE
Catra got so scared, back when Adora left her... scared that Adora had become a foolish, self involved girl lost to the naive idea that she had some special importance as a destined hero, who was never going to stop to think deeply about what was really going on around her. She didn't seem to see Catra's love, her romantic desire... instead chasing the imaginary standards Shadow Weaver and other's laid out for her, but those were merely manipations meant to use her, nothing like Catra’s love. But that's all done now, Catra has seen Adora's strength, her generous spirit and her heroic determination to always make things better, she'll never leave her again. Catra watched on as Adora was always an open book, so earnest to please others, and because of that, Catra knows she has been hurt. Catra knew better than Adora, she knew to fight against such hurtful people, but Adora just wanted to be loved... yet she didn't understand what love was, and has always felt scared and lonely because of it. She is delicate, and innocent, even now, after all of her battles and growth as the legendary warrior known as She-ra.
Catra knows all of this about Adora, because she was there all along, loving her. And because of that she's always known Adora best... even back when she fought against her, full of anger that Catra had to feel weak from love... she knew she was lying to herself about Adora. Adora isn't perfect, but she's the best person Catra has ever known, and she deserves so much love... giving her that is all Catra has ever wanted, but even now, Adora, she doesn't see it...
As Catra stands beside her, Adora's mind is lost, feeling the totality of her aloneness, as a supposed hero of fate. Even though Catra is by her side, now, she still can't believe love is really possible, for her anyways. Her whole life has been one long and difficult journey of responsibilities and danger. She has to come through now, or her life will be meaningless. But she feels so... ill... and so... tired... and so totally alone. How can she possibly succeed in this dangerous task, when she feels so weary? And Catra stands at her shoulder, daring the danger to take her down as well. The burden of it is too much... Adora feels her eyelids slipping, and then her body, she feels weak... she cries out as she doubles over in sickness and pain.
Catra looks on in desperation as Adora does this, Adora is dying right before her very eyes. She's feeling lost and alone, and she's giving up... just like Catra feared she might. Adora clutches at her heart, and at the failsafe... her final, cruel mission. The virus is invading it, trying to corrupt the failsafe and stop to Adora's heart as well. Adora slips out of her hands, Catra watches on in horror as Adora collapses to the ground... it was so fast! Catra didn't even have time to catch her fall! Horde Prime's final cruelty has Adora, Catra rolls her over so she can get a better look at what's happening...
The failsafe doesn't look right, and Adora's eyes are closed in agony from it. Catra watches the virus invade Adora further, spreading across her face and body. She reaches out and holds Adora, trying to comfort her, full of concern and sadness. This is agony, and its killing her. And Catra still can't see how she can help Adora, so she holds her as lovingly as she can instead, crying out against the unfairness of it. No! This can't be it! She needs Adora to hold on, but her eyes are sealed shut from all of the pain she's in…
A strange, eerie noise echoes into the chamber, and Catra looks up with dread at the heart... Horde Prime's corruption advances further and the strange green energy jumps down from the ceiling and hits the heart directly... Catra knows this is a sign that worse is about to come…
Adora looks, too, finding enough strength through her pain to crack her eyelids so that she can see. Things are bad, and their time is up…
-
::Horde Prime cackles cruelly as his plan is nearly completed... he is hacking the Heart directly now, and is mere moments from being able to direct that energy, either at his enemies, or at the universe itself. He's a sick man, and it immediately becomes bitterly obvious: Horde Prime wants to end... it. All of it. Everyone's story coming to an end, the finality as his "perfect dominion." The universe will end with Horde Prime...
But little does he know, Hordak has found his inner will through his love for Entrapta, allowing him to resist Horde Prime's memory wipes and mind control. As Hordak looks down at Entrapta along his charged weapon, he can't hurt her. She is too precious to him, so instead, as he searches his feelings, he finds... defiance.
He attacks his so called god, breaking Horde Prime's connection to the heart temporarily... love, it seems, has stalled things just a bit longer for our girls...
-
Adora comes to in Catra's arms. Did she black out? She's not sure... Horde Prime's virus is inside the Heart now, and everything is pain. She feels so... weak, and tired... as if breathing alone is asking too much of her body, that most basic requirement of life. Catra is telling her to stay awake, she looks up and sees Catra's concerned face, but then she sees the heart... Catra looks, too. It has become corrupted, like Adora's own failing body, she's failed, its all too much, and she is far too weak...
She waits for Catra to meet her gaze, her eyes full of sorrow... all she can do now is to tell Catra she's sorry, that she couldn't save her life, couldn't even do that, let alone love her like she wants...
Catra puts her hand to her cheek, it feels warm, good. Adora summons enough strength to lift her hand to hold Catra's hand to her cheek, to savior this last intimate touch... but it doesn't last, she's too... weak... she accepts her failure, her inadequacy. She couldn't even die right, to save everyone and the universe, in the end. And Catra... she manages one last weak gaze back at Catra, as she feels her heart slowing... it will stop... just... in a moment... she sees Catra cry out her name, tears streaming from her eyes, longingly for her, telling her to not die... to not leave her... but Adora feels herself slipping away... Catra clutches her body to hers, but all that is left for Adora to do now, is to die in the embrace of the only person she's ever truly loved... with one last look at the corrupted heart, she accepts that it wasn't enough, she's too tired... she can't fight it any longer... her eyes slowly slip closed...
As Adora is weakening to the point of passing out, Catra is struggling against the idea that Adora could end so... quietly. She knows there has to be more to this moment, some way for Adora to win, she's supposed to be the hero... it shouldn't end like this. There's been so much cruelty, all of their lives, so many people hurting them, wanting them to fail. But, she's got Adora now, she's holding her dying body in her very arms. She had to fight down Shadow Weaver to have this moment, but not without cost. Too much time passed, and Adora's sickness is too far advanced. Prime has her, and Catra can feel the last sparks of life leaving Adora's body. Adora looks at her, she tells her she's sorry. Catra reaches out to hold her cheek lovingly, she doesn't know what else to do, so she comforts her. Adora's eye close, needing her loving touch... then they open, Catra watches as Adora remembers her burden. Adora is being consumed by the thoughts of her failure, that she didn't even manage to do the one thing she came here to do, to stop the heart. Catra sees Adora's gaze weakening, but she looks to her one last time...
Catra feels Adora's body becoming quiet, her heart is failing her. Adora can't die now, it's just too cruel! So she begs Adora to fight instead, mournfully calling her name as her eyes are slipping shut. She clutches Adora against her body, hoping the pressure can sustain her, that it will make her love flow into Adora. And that maybe, somehow, that love will heal her, and give her the strength to live. But she knows Adora is about to die, and she still hasn't figured out what the key is, what she’s supposed to do to convince Adora to stay...
As Adora's eyes slip shut, Catra is lost and confused, she's lost on what she's supposed to do to help Adora face this final task, and so Catra does the only thing she can. She holds all of the love she has for Adora in her heart, all the words and gentle touches, the most intimate feelings she should have told to Adora. These feelings are Catra's dreams of their love, her hidden desire she was so afraid to show, the weakness and need she feels when she looks at Adora. She got caught up, waiting for Adora to give her a sign that she felt the same, so she wouldn't have to bear all of those feelings to Adora with no garentee of them being returned. But, they've run out of time, and as she clutches Adora against her body, whispering her name and crying for her, she knows it is probably too late for them, now. Still, she dreams, holding all of her love for Adora inside her heart, this love is as wide as an ocean, stretching to every horizon…
All of her life, Catra has had the most beautiful dreams of them being together. Even when she was so angry and fought against Adora, she still couldn't escape her dreams, her desire for her. She tried not to... it hurt to think of how it seemed that she'd never have her. And now, Adora is finally in her arms, but she's dying. Dying when she should be living, living so that Catra can show her all of her love. As time counts down, and Adora weakens towards unconsciousness in her arms, Catra wishes for time enough to show Adora her most beautiful feelings. It is her torrid desire, to share every last moment with Adora, and to romance her dearest Adora with her splendid love. Catra wishes her desire couple wrap Adora up inside it to protect her, she's searching for a way to reach Adora with her love.
Little does she know, Etheria is about to answer her call… it will help her show Adora the meaning of what it is to be loved...
Adora's eyes startle open. Confused, she feels warm and comfortable, seeing the waterfall in Brightmoon splashing down before her.
She feels safe here, the feeling is jarring considering that she was certain she had just accepted her finality, her death. It's embrace was where she felt like she had to go, to finally be at peace. And yet, instead... she's seeing... her own reflection? She's... home, in Bright Moon? And she looks... different. She's beautiful... delicate, and vulnerable. Every bit of the elegant dress she wears is gorgeous, it suits her, the gold trim complements her skin tone and her hair. Adora has never thought of herself as beautiful in this way, so tender and warm, the idea of it is foreign to her, there's always only been duty and responsibility. She remembers she was trying to uphold these as her eyes were slipping shut, towards everlasting slumber.
Yet here she is, somehow…
The door creaks behind her, and she turns to see her dearest love, Catra, come into the room, being chased by a determined Glimmer. Catra flows towards her, every bit of her movement is graceful and elegant. Catra is wearing beautiful, golden shoes, they match the trim on her own dress... which is strange, she knows Catra was always cautious, keeping the claws on her feet ready so she could spring from danger. Catra is laughing, it's so beautiful when she laughs. Her hair is different too, it's longer, like hers is, and yet, also different than when she was with the Horde. A white and gold jacket flows from her shoulder clasps, her outfit goes with Adora's beautiful dress exquisitely. She's so happy, as though she's without a care, as if the only thing that exists is this beautiful, soft moment, all of the cruelty and harshness of the world has washed away, and reality is blissful... like a dream.
Adora looks on in confusion as Catra runs at her with Glimmer in hot pursuit. Glimmer wants to brush Catra's beautiful, bushy hair, but Catra's not having it. Catra darts around Adora playfully, using her body as a shield against Glimmer, softly caressing Adora's skin as she does. Frustrated by Catra's antics, Glimmer abandons the chase, accusing Catra of being dramatic. Yeah, she's right, that's so Catra. Adora can feel Catra resting her hands on her shoulders with gentle possessiveness... but it also makes her feel protected, a moment that feels somehow… familiar. Catra's touch is so real... yet how can that be? She was dying, she was sure of it. But instead, Catra is here, and so is Glimmer. Bow walks in, saying they're late for Scorpia's first ball. Ah, so that's what this is! They're going to a ball, and this must be, the future? Or perhaps the present? Perhaps she simply forgot-?
After Glimmer tells Catra she's off the hook, she joins Bow, and they hold each other like lovers. Catra still stands at her shoulder, her hands gently resting on her skin, they could be lovers, too. It feels so real, she’s certain she can even feel Catra's warm breath on her neck, her cool nails against her skin as she possessively clings to her. Catra seems so... Catra... it all feels so... real. Even Catra's little rebellion, that's so like her, she's always loved Catra's little quirks. Adora watches as Bow and Glimmer turn to leave, and then Catra walks forward. She turns on heel to face Adora, graceful, like a dancer, and offers her hand to Adora, asking if she's ready to go. It's so beautiful... Catra is a great dancer, she remembers that, from way back when at Princess Prom. She was trying so hard not to let Catra distract her, but she was too beautiful... ugh she's such an idiot around Catra.
As Catra tries to face her, there's so much warmth here, and so much peace. Here Catra stands before her, holding out her hand to her, love radiating from her face. It makes her feel so safe, surrounded by her home, with Catra finally here with her, looking at her like this, loving her like this. Catra is so beautiful in her outfit, it's so stylish yet matching to her own dress, leave it to Catra to have immaculate taste. Adora looks down at Catra's hand, her eyes trailing over to where Catra is wearing her pin... does that mean that they are together? Like, really together? The idea of it is so wonderful, and she wants it so very much, they're going to dance again, and not as enemies this time! Adora gives in, this love she feels coming from Catra is too real, too pure to not be true. She feels joyous, and ready to experience the beauty of it all... this must be real, and she was just feeling... confused. She wasn't dying, that's absurd, that was nothing but a bad dream, a strange nightmare that she had to wake up from eventually. She loves Catra so much, she finds herself reaching out lovingly, ready to take her hand, to enjoy a night of dancing and romance with her dearest love, not a care weighing down her ever weary soul...
Tragically... cruelly, her hand passes right through Catra's, as though it were just a figment. With dismay, she notices the glitching in the simulation... she understands now, and sorrow floods across her face... it wasn't real... of course not. She was so sure it was real... Catra's love felt so real... but it was not. It's all cruelty now, as instead Horde Prime stands before her, the dream ripped away from her, while he mocks her. His cruelty cannot be escaped, it was foolish of her to allow herself to dream in the first place, she's just an unworthy hero, failing in her last, unselfish act, of wanting to accept all of the burdens onto herself so that everyone else could be protected from the cruelty of this ancient war... Prime has her now...
He crushes the last of the dream, corrupts the vision as it crumbles into sickening green. She's helpless, completely alone against cruelty as he shackles her, she cries out in pain as the virus returns to invade her mind, hurting her again... everything is going green... the color of Horde Prime's corruption... the color of his unfeeling clones, and now, of the corrupted Heart. She feels as if she's adrift in space, the dream reality that was the simulation is all but gone now, only fragments of code remain, fading into green... as the world closes into green around her, Adora wishes it had been real... don't leave me, Catra, I need you... I always needed you... please...
Adora feels as though she's gently falling... down... down... away... towards her end, towards final oblivion, for her... and the universe... she has failed…
::NOTE: We're now switching to Catra’s point of view during the dream, it may seem repetitive however this is to explain her role in that dream. She's there alongside Adora (to a point). META HERE.
Catra is still clutching Adora’s dying body to her own when she feels the dream begin. She finds her vision being drawn away, from reality, to where Adora is in her dream, as Etheria draws from her ocean of love to create a perfect vision of her love for Adora. Enthralled, Catra watches the beautiful Adora before her, in her white dress with gold trim…
It feels odd at first for Catra, because what she's seeing is a vision that's of dissociation, as though she's watching apart from her body, and at first she doesn't understand. She's still clutching Adora's still body in her arms, and yet... if they were but moments from death in the Heart Chamber, why is she seeing this now, instead? Still, she can sense the presence of Etheria’s magic here, like she's felt before… and then she begins to understand- while she didn't intend to let the magic take from her feelings to make this beautiful dream, because Etheria’s magic has become so natural to her, she had subconsciously let it. And because of this, the dream is perfect, exactly of Catra's truest and deepest feelings. Etheria is doing this for Adora- but it's with her help.
As she's watching Catra realizes that this dream is has been made to be the perfect antidote to Adora’s traumatized mind. The way Etheria’s magic choose to put Adora in the place she feels safest, Brightmoon. The way Glimmer and Bow are there, and as lovers. The way her dream self gently touches Adora’s shoulders with gentle but possessive love, trying to sooth her and make her feel how she's wanted. This dream version of herself is exactly honest to how Catra always wanted to act around Adora, but with the violence that surrounded their lives, and then the war which divided them, it was something she never felt safe doing. Yet now, as the world stands on the edge of annihilation, Catra’s heart is wide open, she's ready to give her truest and most earnest self.
Catra never really made a conscious decision to stop fighting Etheria's magic to instead harmonize with it, it convinced her over time that it was always on her side. Unlike Shadow Weaver's magic, which was always cruel and controlling, Etheria's magic soothed her, it felt natural, and kind. And Etheria’s magic has helped Catra many times, such as the first time encountered its presence when she and Adora were inside the Crystal Castle during Promise. Back then she hardly knew what was happening, yet she knew that magic was whispering to her, telling her she was right to feel that Adora endangered her life with her naive need to serve others expectations, and that she needed to wait until Adora learned from her naive mistakes before she could return her love again. But those times are gone, Adora has learned now, she's the closest thing to a hero Catra has ever seen, and she's so close to becoming a great hero. Now, at this crucial moment, Etheria's magic needed her help, and so Catra finds herself sharing the love in her heart with it, so that they can show Adora this beautiful dream, together... to save her...
With silent approval Catra watches her dream self gently cling to Adora’s shoulders, coveting her as precious- Adora is her treasure, after all. She knows this touch is calming Adora, even as Adora still rebels from the dream, knowing that she was dying moments ago.
Lovingly, Catra wishes for Adora to stop being so suddenly smart. For once in your life, abandon your anxiety and stop fighting this feeling, Adora, because this is how I love you. This is how I will treasure and protect you, and I will always be with you. But you have to be strong enough to choose my love, like I have chosen love. I will never doubt love again, and I will never leave you again, but I need you to hang on, and I need you to wake up!
Catra watches as Adora is getting closer to accepting her love, yet still hesitates, doubting it can be real. She knows it's going to take something much grander to convince Adora- and then, Catra watches as her dream self beautifully turns on heel to offer her hand to Adora: offering her the chance to dance again, this time with love in their hearts. It's a waking dream that has been one of Catra’s most earnest and constant daydreams- to get to dance with Adora again, like they did at Princess Prom- but as lovers, not enemies. Etheria's magic has taken this waking dream and so beautifully expressed it that she sees Adora’s worry finally fade away, being replaced with a look of wonder, and then watches as Adora looks to the pin on her jacket. See? We're to be married! My love is true, you have to believe me!
As Adora abandons doubt and gives into the beauty of it, Catra knows she is hers to save, if Adora only takes her hand now, she will wake knowing what it means to be loved…
But then, just like Adora, Catra sees the glitch as Adora’s hand passes through her own. Her heart sinks, as Prime materializes, her connection to Adora temporarily disrupted. Angrily Catra realizes that Prime had been waiting for the best moment to interrupt the dream and shatter Adora’s hopes. Prime will never let Adora take her hand, because he knows that could save her.
As he taunts Adora, he's taunting her, too. To show Catra how distant she is, and powerless, that she can't reach Adora through the reality he's imposing on her to torture her, sinking her into his void, where she will fall towards oblivion, towards death. It's disgustingly condescending- he wants to make her feel helpless…
Instead, Catra feels cold anger inside her, it's giving her focus, and she refuses to give up. We were so close, she thinks, and as devious as Prime is, she knows that he’s not perfect. With this new found focus she searches for a way to reach Adora and wrest her from Prime's control, wracking her mind, feeling out a way to her. Then she finds it- it's like a path of green, as if a string of fate, connecting herself and Adora.
It's Prime’s virus- she and Adora are bound by this thin line of green code- the virus which is in both their bodies. Catra quickly realizes that Prime has made a mistake by infecting her, too, as the virus doesn't hurt her the way it does Adora. And this code, this string, this connection, it's something she can control, it gives her a way in to where he's trapped her. She can backhack the connection, much like she did before with the chip in her neck to spy on him and his plans for Etheria when she was on Darla after Adora had saved her.
As Catra follows that string of fate towards Adora, she's still conscious of Adora’s dying body in her arms. Simultaneously in both worlds, this gives Catra the way to open the door back to reality for Adora- but Adora will have to fight her way free, Catra can't make that choice for her. It takes her only a moment to find her, and then she calls out Adora’s name, reaching down to her, as the bridge back to reality, and the way out of Prime’s prison…
... Adora is sinking down, down into Prime’s oblivion. Tears from her eyes trail upwards, just as though she were truly falling downward. It really… wasn't enough, she thinks. I've never had a chance, to escape this cruel fate that was thrust on me since before I could even remember. Nobody can help me now, I am alone… as it has always been.
“Adora!” Her eyes snap open as she hears her name being called, by… Catra?? But how... and yet, there Catra is above her, wreathed in the light of a doorway, the door out of her prison, back towards living, back towards reality.
“Adora, please- you have to wake up!” Wake up? Am I sleeping? I can think… so that would mean I'm conscious, right? But the pain, oh this pain- Horde Prime’s pain. She was so sure she was dying, and it's too confusing to her that Catra is here, now. It isn't enough, she can't accept it… her arms feel heavy, paralyzed, she cannot move. And yet… she does want to move very badly... her heart is waking up... at the sight of Catra... it wants... to get back... to Catra...
As Catra sees the fear in Adora’s eyes, she knows that Adora is doubting, now, more than she has ever before. Catra understands- I must make every word count, or she'll fall beyond my reach, gone forever. Still, she hasn't found the key that will save Adora, so instead she does the only thing she can- she lets her heart speak for her, abandoning any self conscious thoughts that might have stopped her in the past as she does so.
Every word that Catra speaks then rings down on Adora as the greatest truths she's ever spoken- “You can't give up. You've never given up on anything in your life, not even on me.” Meanwhile, outside the dream, she clutches Adora closer.
Despite her lingering doubt, Adora’s senses are now wide open- seeing, hearing Catra, yearning to understand her words. Still, she can't move… and even if she could reach, it won't be enough, Adora thinks. Adora sees the look in Catra’s eyes shift to one of determination and command. “So don't you dare start now!” Catra reaches further for her, her hand is now demanding that Adora to reach for it. It's enough for Adora to be able to tap into her unrealized reserves of strength and push past the pain. She exerts her entire body in one motion as she reaches for Catra- it works- her arms finally come free as the shackles on her body break, but still she feels weak. Her hand is far too short of Catra’s, as she suspected it would be. Mournfully, she calls out “It’s too late. I've failed.” The tears well up in her eyes, all of her doubts from a lifetime of being hurt and having unfair burdens thrust on her reverberate in those small, scared words…
As Catra hears the mournfulness in Adora’s words, her blood chills like ice, she can't let Adora give up now. Heart racing, Catra finds herself desperately calling back “No, no!” Again, she wracks her mind further…I need more, I must say more…
All of the hurt, the abuse Shadow Weaver inflicted on us… our meager, pitiful melancholy lives, it's so close to ending... We are so close to the start of a life where we can be free. “I've got you. I'm not letting go.” That's all Catra can think to say, as back in reality, Catra hugs Adora’s unconscious body hard, knowing that she can't feel her loving embrace. I have to give you more, I'll give everything for you! How do I give you more-?
Adora finds herself struggling to reach father for Catra when she hears Catra’s truest words, telling her that she's got her. She can tell their hands are a bit closer now, the sound of yearning in Catra’s voice having unlocked something in Adora, as for the first time in her life, she feels as though perhaps she's not so alone, and maybe, just maybe, Catra might know how she feels… so that she won't have to be so alone anymore.
Their fingers are so close, Adora can taste the distance between them, and she yearns to hear Catra's next, most truest words. Words she does not yet know that she yearns to hear... yet her heart has always wanted. It has always asked to hear Catra's next, most truest words... breathlessly she awaits, and then... Catra speaks those very words...
“Don't you get it? I LOVE you.”
Love… like the idiot she is, Adora didn't see this coming, yet her heart did, having wished for it all this time... and that word strikes her like lightning, energizing her. She feels enlivened by it, it's as though electricity is crawling over every inch of her skin. In this moment, Adora’s consciousness is suddenly fully present, her doubts gone... she's yearning to know more of what Catra means with that word, love. What it love, what does she mean? As her best friend? As a... lover? I have to know more, I want to stay a bit longer… so I can hear what she means!
“.... I always have.” ... Another jolt of electricity, waking her heart up inside: it confirms that Adora’s hopes were right, Catra does know how she feels. She's not alone… she never has been… Catra is with her, she’s got her…
“So please, just this once- stay!” Again, a jolt of energy, as again Adora finds herself being commanded. Being told to no longer be alone- the love of her life is right there, demanding that she stay long enough to know love... demanding that she live. Demanding that she'll never be alone again, with Catra always by her side…
Love unburdens Adora- the single act of Catra’s understanding, frees her. The weight of doubt holding her down is suddenly gone, as if it never existed. To her previous struggle, there is no struggle, and there is no distance between them- that's how effortlessly Adora finds her hand reaching the final distance to Catra’s. Just as Catra’s does, too- she, too, is unburdened by love. Their palms touch, their fingers interlace, the bridge is finally secure. Through their connection Adora can feel Catra’s warmth rushing into her body, awakening her, bringing her back to reality. Yet as it does, Adora finds her vision goes dark… as it must be, so that she can wake back into consciousness… out of the dream, and back to reality…
Now waking back into her body, Adora can sense the peril of the heart, and how hopelessly Catra clings her body to her own to shield her from it, to give her just a few more seconds to live. It won't be enough, she can tell that the heart is about to lash out at them both. She hears Catra repeating again in a desperate whisper- “please, stay" realizing that Catra doesn't yet know she's back. Or how the Heart is about to arc out and silence them both, forever. Calmly Adora find herself thinking- No- it's my turn to protect you. She summons her shield, grounding the charge and absorbing the Heart’s energy, temporarily quieting it, giving her a time enough to speak to her dearest love….
As she looks up into Catra’s stunned eyes, she can tell that Catra is in disbelief that she's come back to life, which is really cute, but there's no time for that, now. She has to know what Catra meant, when she said she loved her… “You love me-?”
“...You're such an idiot” Catra says with relief as Catra finally knows that she's got Adora, she's back, safe in her arms…
-
::Oh hey there! Im actually gonna end my summary here, because their kiss is perfect, and I know I can't do it justice. Instead, let me say one more thing.
What makes their love confessions, and their kiss, so perfect, to me, is that it happens as each of them is realizing that they're being truly seen by the other for the first time in their lives. They are both imperfect souls, and let their fears and emotions block themselves from really seeing the other truely, so much so that they've hurt each other time and time again. But now, not only are they being seen for the best in themselves, but they also know the other sees their fears and desperate hopes and loves them all the more for those imperfections. Adora’s look as she asks Catra “You love me-?” is that of someone who's been hurting her whole life, desperate to make a difference but given far too few tools to do so, who felt useless while striving to satisfy others needs, her desperation from this making her lash out and destroy her chances at being a true hero. Catra knows all of that, and she loves her, she believes she is a good person, and has become a true hero.
Catra’s stunned look when Adora tells her “I love you, too” is that of someone who thought she could never been seen for the good in her by someone else, as someone who's been wronged her whole life, who was right to resist it, but wrong in her willingness to enact extreme violence for this, yet Adora sees all of Catra’s past wrongs and fears and knows that the pure hearted Catra before her in this moment is her true self.
As Catra realizes Adora is seeing her truly for the first time, she knows kissing her and making their love canon is the only proper act, it's all that there's left to do. In this moment, SPOP beautifully captures how important that feeling of understanding really is. We all desire it, but many don't believe it's possible. How can someone love us, if we're so flawed? But what if that's one of the best parts we can reveal, and to be loved for?
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Appendix of Explanations
Why this post? Is it necessary?
Well, I certainly think so??!!! Because there are no miracles in SPOP like most shows rely on. Catra saving Adora and then Adora saving the universe is possible because of very specific and defined forces, N. D. Stevenson made sure of that. He doesn't rely on anything like that cuz that's how good of a writer he is. Catra can see Adora in her dream and then open the door to pull her to safety for very defined reasons. There's no dues ex machina!
Why is it so important that Catra is in Adora's dream, and why is it important that this is Etheria's magic in action?
Adora's dream isn't an accident at all, and this story would not be the greatest of all time if Catra wasn't deeply the reason for Adora becoming a true hero. To that end, there needed to be a reason Catra could understand how to save Adora. Basically, a mythology. Etheria's magic helping her is this mythology: it's an active force in their world. And Catra resonates with that magic which is why she has the ability to act as she did. Catra has her own magic power: it's not obvious like with the princesses, but she is nonetheless the focus of that force of nature. Sure, N.D Stevenson needed magic to finish the story, a common criticism of stories like this, but the laws governing that magic are well defined.
Why all the explanation about Catra when Adora is the hero? Isn't that the more important part?
I don't mean to downplay Adora's part, she really IS the hero and she's that person because of some very important personality factors, she just can't do it without some help- specifically Catra's help, and Catra can only help her because of how she's harmonizing with the magic! And it's ok for Adora to get some help, we all need help from time to time! In fact, it's unrealistic for her not to need help. Catra's supposed to help her, Etheria knows this, so Catra is her harmony, and their love together is where real power comes from!
Lastly, I am a META writer. Everything I wrote here is based on a frame by frame META analysis of the story, and I give every assurance it's based in truth. Also true is I did use some flowery language to fill in the gaps of the dramatic moments, to make it flow better. Still, even if I ever strayed towards the over dramatic, the meaning is overall true, and if there's any part that you want a meta explanation for, such as how Catra finds Adora through Horde Prime's virus, I will give a moment by moment explanation! Just send me an ask! Also, check my blogs table of contents HERE for more meta explanations. This post might seem like a lot of metas, rest assured I've written explanations to the metas contained here... if that's any consolation! This post is also meant to bring them all together as a story...
So, I'll leave things there. If you liked my explanation and feel it helped you understand what really went on better, please share it with others. And of course, thank you for your likes and your rebloggs!! Reblogs will help others see this, too!
Thank you 🙇 thank you for any rebloggs you can give me, they are life!
Hello! Absolutely love your analyses! I'd spend breaks during work reading through a piece and I appreciate all the evidence (data as Entrapta would state) you use. I see many people boil Catradora down to being abusive (aimed at Catra) and it's just so hard to argue since there's so much depth to their relationship. What are your thoughts? How would you respond to someone stating so?
:: ... Reflections on the emotional healthiness of Catradora, on Adora's arc, and on SPOP as a morally complex story-
Hi, and thank you so much for this question, I know that some SPOP fans have this kind of reaction, and while I get why they feel bad, I strongly believe such a reaction was not the intended outcome. Which is my first point:
To anyone who feels this way, Hey!!! Noelle wouldn't hurt us like that, and even though we see hurtful behaviors shown in SPOP, this isn't part of suggesting that we forgive our abusers- Noelle wouldn't do that!!
SPOP is unique in that it explores trauma as seriously as it does… this show is so many different things: it's beautiful, it's fun, it's kid friendly, and it's really meaningful. I really, really believe that both Catra and Adora’s stories are meant to be a comfort to people who grew up in situations like theirs… (I, for one, find Catra’s story very comforting).
My second point is that Adora is as much a product of hurtful abuse as Catra is, and this includes that she has some very hurtful behaviors towards Catra, especially as we see the two of them together starting well before her defection. For example-
We all know Adora is a sweetheart, and for her to even behave in hurtful ways is so against her own best nature that it's a sign that she's not really being herself. It's also very wrong in terms of her ability to be She-ra, as Etheria chose her for her ability to love- she is deep down an incredibly loving and generous person, and love is her power. Yet, when we see her with Catra in ep1, she's acting hurtful instead. This- is where their relationship becomes so complex- because Catra really isn't being hurtful, and Adora has a history...
...And, this is a much bigger problem than just her relationship with Catra, because Adora is also hurtful towards everyone in her past life, she vilifies them and fights them- never once does she make an honest attempt to help her former friends- Adora simply makes an assumption that fighting them is a necessary hurt of her 'destiny'.
Yet... this 'destiny' is a lie, and we cannot ignore how Adora's arc from s1-4 ends with her barely avoiding destroying all of Etheria... furthermore, with Horde Prime finding them all as a consequence. Despite Adora's attempts at being a hero through s1-4, it ends with her having betrayed all of her former friends for a 'destiny' which was evil all along- Light Hope never meant to make her a hero, only to use her and the rest of the princesses as a weapon. This is because Adora had followed her 'duty' and therefore failed to be her greatest good as a hero of love.
Her decision of duty and all that goes wrong results because of how Adora believes in duty before all else, including and especially love. This false belief system, where she simply fights rather than looks to help her former friends, and acts hurtfully to enact this false 'destiny', is because of how Adora was hurt by her abuser. And it makes her actions wrong- she isn't valuing love, and, she is being controlled by others, some which are evil, some which are unfair- through her false belief in duty.
This concept of duty, which is so wrong, is what Adora's entire struggles are about- this includes her hero's arc. Her perceived need to serve a false 'duty' is the reason she justifies her hurtful behavior and neglects to help her former friends, it's the reason her s1-4 arc ends in disaster with her destiny being revealed to have been false, (and that she's been manipulated for evil), and, it's the reason she's so hurtful to Catra- betraying all of their love, while failing to make any true effort to understand Catra's feelings
We might not like Catra's reaction, or how terribly wrong the war is (... one which began before either of them was even born-), but Adora wrongly believes in putting her duty so far ahead of all else that she's failing to look deeper. Adora does break promises, and she does hurt people- she hurts everyone in her old life, not just Catra, with her hurtful and blind prioritization of duty ahead of love and all else- her belief makes her vulnerable to further manipulations. Her entire concept of duty before love makes her miss how she's hurting them, and, how she's wrong to do this... ... it results in so much pain. (-in fact, Adora ends up hurting EVERYONE with her stubborn belief in enacting a false destiny, as we'll discuss.) .
So, for the purposes of this question, we need to look at Adora's behavior, and how she's wrong to be so hurtful. Catra ends up very much more wrong- that's well documented- and which we all know- but, Adora is She-ra, Catra is not, and all of Adora's actions matter so much because she is at the center of all that happens as She-ra. And, she's got to learn to value love, going against the hurtful beliefs of 'duty' that her abuser ingrained into her psyche to control her. Even though Adora is trying to do her best, she falls short of what that actually is, and it's all because of her false belief that duty must define her. She is a hero of love, not a hero of duty or destiny- because destiny cannot power her, nor guide her. Love is what must guide Adora, because love is her real power... and as a hero of love, she cannot "leave anyone behind" who needed her help...
Through s1-4, by acting hurtful, Adora is essentially creating a false equivalency by equating evil upon all of her former friends, in a hurtful way which all but ensures further division and misunderstanding. She-ra is supposed to be a uniter, a healer- yet Adora is making no effort to do so. Adora is such a extensive product of abuse that she doesn't even see that she's doing so, and she has to wake up to this in order to become a hero of love...
:readmore:
Also, in part: their division happens because when Adora leaves Catra and everyone else in her former life behind she does so having not once fought for them (see Lonnie in the portal reality, below) - very much like how she didn't fight for her and Catra's love against their abuser. As She-ra, Adora needs to be strong enough to fight for ALL of them, rebellion and the vulnerable people in the horde who are trapped in its abusive system alike- yet, Adora doesn't do so- instead she takes a simplified view of morality, and through it, justifies abandoning her and Catra's love and fighting against instead of helping everyone in her old life. That Adora doesn't try to do better is already hurtful on its own. Adora's choice of such a hurtful path happens out of multiple complex factors, some deal with her history as a abuse survivor- but in reality, it's mostly because everyone else around Adora also is not being their best, either... ...more later
As for Catra- her choices, while very very bad, come out a reaction to Adora's history of hurtful behaviors- her inability to trust Adora is a trauma reaction, just like Adora's, yet, that reaction comes in response to Adora's continued hurtful behaviors: Catra is trying to be apart from someone who has constantly hurt her by naively following duty while showing no effort to understand how she's hurtful or to fight for their love. Adora did this within the horde by playing favorite to Shadow Weaver, and Catra feels that Adora must be misguided, just like she was before, for leaving her- instead fighting against her so willingly and vilifying her... lumping her in with their abuser as evil.
Catra was constantly abused, and watched on as Adora played favorite to that abuser while ignoring how Catra was treated. So, Adora was betraying Catra all along, and had no awareness of it- it shows that Adora has a blind spot- something which she struggles with throughout her hero's arc: such as Light Hope using her for evil. Catra felt as though she had already lost the friend she thought she had years ago, and then Adora's continued hurtful behavior following her defection, while making no effort to save their love, is what causes Catra to feel she must part ways with Adora. By Catra's reasoning, Adora must not really love her- why else would Adora be so ready to hurt her, when she made a promise to love her? Catra doesn't think Adora is actually being a 'good' person by leaving like she does- and Adora's hurtful divisive actions confirm Catra is right- by choosing divisiveness and a false destiny while devaluing their love, Adora is indeed falling short of being the hero of love which Etheria chose her to be...
So, we can see Catra's distrust and Adora's being used by Light Hope as parallel, because Catra is right that Adora is letting people manipulate her, just like she did within the horde- even if Catra is only basing this belief off of her gut feelings in s1. Adora ends up betraying her promises, and being used as a weapon by Light Hope, (and the rebellion, too) for the same reason: her belief in duty which blinds her to all else.
:: 🛑 There's also the matter of whether Adora and Catra are 'in a relationship' during the war. That's dubious- morality of the war aside, Adora divides their friendship for it, not Catra- so they aren't together anymore... And, as we'll discuss, Adora is coming up short of making the best decision by doing so. But, in regards to our question: what happens during the war between Catra and Adora should be considered separately, as apart from this time in their history, Catra was quite loving with Adora: both before, and then after, the war... and so it's important to not falsely equivalate Catra actions in this way- they are not 'together' (...again, morality of the war aside..) ....more later
We'll come back to Catra's motivations later, but here's the quick reference for the meantime- Catra doesn't do what she does out of wanting to hurt Adora, her love confession in s5 precludes that. And she also doesn't do it out of any great allegiance to the Horde- it's just all she knows, and she stays there because she's trying to live free of Adora- who is a constantly inadvertently hurtful person, as Adora had actually been betraying their love for many years. But: most importantly, Catra does what she does as part of her fight against their real abuser, whom Catra sees as the real evil in their lives. This starts as Catra taking down Shadow Weaver herself, and stays true within the meaning of her other actions through the rest of her arc as well. ...more later
All in all, this is part of how Noelle gave us a morally complex story with SPOP- it's not black and white like most stories we've seen (such as ATLA). The war, while terrible, has multiple sides to it, and with it moral grayness: The horde is wrong, yet isn't really made up of evil people. The rebellion is right to defend Etheria, but has a corrupted view of the horde where they summarily judge all horde as evil. That's an amoral belief, as we'll discuss, and it plays into Adora’s confusion over who she really must be, because their hurtful views block Adora's ability to be the hero of love she's meant to be.
... And, of course- the princesses are part of an evil super weapon, as naive enablers of a generational trauma so dark that it threatens them all... ...more later
Finally, the MAJOR PSA REGARDING ABUSIVENESS.. (and therefore this question)
Since we wish to discuss abusive relationships, we must recognize that there is indeed such a relationship at the forefront of SPOP, but it's not Catradora.
All of their bad behaviors- Catra’s isolationism and hurtfulness for self protection, and Adora’s hurtfulness in the name of false duty and vulnerability to naively trusting in false ideals set out for her by others, is because of how Shadow Weaver hurt them.
SPOP as a series is all about believing in love, (even in other character arcs aside from Catradora-) and it really is about both of their struggles with how their abuser hurt them, which they have to get past to embrace love. Their story is one about the how and why we ourselves sometimes struggle to accept love- many people struggle due to having been hurt like they were- and through them, Noelle tells us a story of our own lives. 💢(minor trauma warn to readers, altho, I promise nothing too dark in this post). It's the real truth of Catra and Adora’s arcs: that they both act out hurtfully due to how their abuser has hurt them, and as such, they both contribute to their division, not just Catra. And, they both go through long arcs of self realization and healing to be better from how they've been hurt, to be their best selves and so they can be together again.
This journey of self realization is what allows Adora to start being a real hero in s5, and accepting Adora's flaws in her actions before then is an important part of understanding her arc, because, as She-ra, everything Adora does matters- no matter how unfair what's done to her is, she's got to be her best, and she has to trust in love in order to win in the end...
That concludes the "short" explanation, but, since abusiveness is such an important issue, we'll cover some specifics it in greater detail. This- is Adora's hero's arc- her and Catra's love IS her hero's journey, because she's not trusting in love in how she acts through s1-4.
So, apologies for how long this will be, but we'll be covering the following subjects as part of this discussion-
1- how and why Adora improperly continues hurtful behavior that started within the horde after she finds the sword, which Catra reacts to, and how Catra wasn't hurtful before then,
2- how Adora could have used She-ra as a liberator to help her former friends, and how the rebellion also being corrupt is why she misses seeing it,
3- Adora's self realization of her truth of love, and how it allows her to step past false destiny and manipulations,
4- how Adora was being a false hero during seasons 1-4 as told through Horde Prime forcing her to fight chipped Catra to save her during Save the Cat,
5- Catra’s wrongness and why she believes she's totally alone against her abusers evils,
6- how the love we see in s5 was always the truth.
Back to the topic of Adora’s hurtfulness, as we see it in ep1, that goes so deeply against her better, loving nature... (part 1)
From the moment we see Adora and Catra together in ep1, it's obvious that their relationship has already become very unhealthy-
This is almost entirely unhealthy on Adora’s side, not Catra’s, as every time Adora speaks to Catra, she does so with a tone- she's rude to her, she's hypercritical of Catra's actions, she's incredibly judgemental, and she acts as if superior to her.
Yet, Adora had become the puppet of their abuser- Shadow Weaver, making the mistake of trying to fulfill the false expectation of being perfect as she was told to do. And in doing so, her naive trust in fulfilling that duty made her an unintentional enabler of her own abuse, as well as Catra's.
So, all of Adora's judgments out of supposed superiority come out as false: she's devoted to a woman who means only to destroy them, it shows that she really didn't know what was going on with Shadow Weaver's abuse.
In contrast, when we look at Catra’s behavior, it's clear she thinks Shadow Weaver is evil. And, in terms of how she interacts with Adora, it's obvious that Catra is actually still being a very loving and supportive friend to Adora- we only see any of her negativity emerge in response to Adora’s own hurtfulness. As things stand in ep1, Catra isn't abusive, if anything, it's the opposite (although I wouldn't use that term).
So, we can start to see that Adora has an entire history of deeply hurtful behaviors towards Catra- starting well before the moment Catra refuses to follow her, or before her decision to forsake their love go to war against her following “Promise”. There was no good reason for Adora’s hurtfulness- it was done in respect to a false duty made for her by their abuser.
This false belief of superiority is another way in which we can see that Adora was failing to see the true evil that was happening as she was playing the favorite- she blindly believed that being good, as measured by an ideal set out for her by their abuser, was her only way of solving her problems.
Yet, Adora always had a choice- her assumption shows a failure of reasoning, because fulfilling that duty as she was told to never would have resulted in anyone being safe- much like her trying to fulfill Light Hope's ‘destiny’. Shadow Weaver only made Adora think that as part of her plan to use and then destroy her.
Likewise, Adora always had a choice to intrinsically value her and Catra’s love over the corrupt duty forced on her by Shadow Weaver- she could have kept the faith in their love, with Catra. Instead, Adora became hurtful towards Catra...
Adora was a bad friend- and her being as such in the name of false duties is the same reason she ends up being used as part of Light Hope’s corrupt 'destiny'. Also, being a bad friend is a canon part of Adora's hero’s struggle, (spoiler warn, LotFP) as being a bad friend can also be seen in how Adora acts towards Glimmer in s4: (as Bow says in s4ep8: "...it's hard being friends sometimes... So why am I the only one who's willing to work at it?". (In LotFP, Scorpia outright calls Adora a bad friend, and rightly so..)
In regards to Adora’s failure in choice- she and Catra weren't children anymore, and standing up to Shadow Weaver was always a possibility. She could have refused to play along in a system where Catra was made to suffer while she was given praise. And, the real kicker is: judging by how easily Catra takes down Shadow Weaver without Adora’s help, it wouldn't have even been that hard.
This shows Adora really was guilty of blind devotion to Shadow Weaver, because Catra had been prepared to step free of that abuse, probably for years. So, when Adora leaves Catra, devaluing their love and instead vilifying and falsely accusing Catra of being evil like Shadow Weaver (which is an immensely hurtful thing to do after the years of torture Catra suffered), Catra decides to step free of her abusers control, while also stepping free of Adora’s continued hurtfulness.
So, we see that Adora has a dangerous level of blindness to the deeper evils that people mean to use her for, which we can see in other places throughout her arc, such as with Light Hope’s plans for her. She can't even see how she's been corrupted.
Catra, in contrast, shows us she knew all along about their abusers' true evil: she shows her awareness by her little rebellions against a corrupt system where she was constantly being hurt. Catra refused to stay weak, and prepared to protect herself from her abuser all along. Yet, all Adora ever did was act out towards Catra for refusing to conform like she did...
Let's jump forward to when Adora finds the sword, and we can apply Adora’s naive belief in enacting duty, while being hurtful in the name of it, to that decision as well:
Adora accepts the sword, and her new ‘destiny’, with blindness and devotion- believing it to be her ‘destiny’, she willingly accepts that it comes at the price of hurting Catra as well as everyone in her old life as part of fulfilling it.
This ‘destiny’, or duty, is actually nothing but a lie made to confuse Adora by Light Hope and the First Ones- it's just a manipulation to use Adora for their evil. Believing in her 'destiny', Adora then makes no real effort to understand the darker truth behind what is really being asked of her, instead trusting in that 'destiny' and betraying everyone in her old life with her hurtfulness, instead of helping them, in service to this ‘destiny’. (...more later)
Adora in effect swaps Shadow Weaver for Light Hope, (the rebellion also uses Adora as a weapon in a hurtful way, which we'll discuss), and in doing so Adora acts hurtful to someone she loves, she agrees to hurt and therefore fail a whole group of people who deserve better from her. Adora has no right to vilify them like she does, after all, she was one of them herself. Also, her vilification shows no concept of her own hurtfulness and previous role as an enabler in that system.
Sure, Adora could complain that it wasn't her fault because she was being unfairly manipulated, yet Adora continually shows that she is vulnerable to those very same manipulations, again and again, throughout s1-4. It's all to do with her false assumption of fulfilling duty at any cost.
... and it brings Adora’s entire supposed ‘moral awakening’ into question, because while she's right to stick up for the citizens of Thaymore, her entire hurtful and superior attitude towards Catra while she does it is false: it's just like how Adora was hurtful towards Catra as part of playing her role as the favorite of their abuser within the horde. She was blind to the real evil that was occurring.
She therefore has no business being so hurtful towards Catra throughout s1, even IF she didn't know about the continued tortuous abuse Catra suffered because of her. All that Adora’s supposed righteousness over her ‘destiny’ actually shows is that she’s blind to what is really happening- in the past, and then again when Light Hope uses her for evil.
Also, fun fact: Adora’s supposed 'holier than thou' newfound morality isn't even her own: we know she's vulnerable to accepting others' expectations- in this case she's accepting Glimmer’s hardline view that all people in the horde must be evil. Adora takes this closed minded viewpoint and uses it as she tries to enact her false destiny all the way through s1-4, never once making an effort to help her former friends.
All in all, Adora falls short of being a real hero by doing this. And, Adora really does take things too far in her stubborn pursuit of her destiny (LotFP spoiler warn). She's so willing to hurt Catra, and all of her former friends, and is so far removed from the hero of love we see in s5 by doing so. Catra is right that Adora isn't the friend she used to have- Shadow Weaver's abuse changed Adora into something hurtful instead. (In LotFP, Adora strait up attempts to terminate Catra’s life; ...in contrast, Catra only ever tries to capture Adora...)
Catra, meanwhile, has no reason to trust Adora when she tells her she's defecting because of Adora's past history as an enabler of her (their) abuse. If Adora could hurt her, while being devoted to her abuser, what reason does Adora give Catra to think that anything will be different with her sudden new devotion to the rebellion? The answer is none, and as Catra had to look out for herself to protect herself from abuse, she won't trust Adora. Meanwhile, Adora can't even make an effort to understand Catra's feelings of being hurt by her actions...
Also- at least Catra had a plan- which we know by how she takes down Shadow Weaver to be free of her continued abuse. Nor, also, does Catra just want to leave everyone in her old life, accepting the rebellions belief that people like her are only worthy of being vilified and condemned by the princesses- Adora's self righteous judgements just makes Catra think that Adora is being hurtful and naive. Adora, meanwhile, had no plan- and even after her 'destiny' is revealed, she's still playing into the hands of her abusers while trying to fulfill her 'destiny'. It doesn't matter if Adora doesn't mean to, she's still got to be better than letting corrupt people use her for evil. She needs to learn to not be so naive.
The best theory for the hurtful way Adora behaves- by being so hurtful while ignoring the deeper truths- is that Adora has a deeply engrained hurtful world-view due to how she was hurt by Shadow Weaver, towards her abusers purpose of using and sacrificing Adora. Because of how Adora was treated, she believes that duty always comes at a cost, and that it will be painful- it's a corrupted, painful way of seeing the world where she just assumes pain comes as part of her reality of being charged with duty.
This is false, it's just what her abusers (Light Hope, too) want her to believe, and waking up to how this corrupt concept of duty is used against her by her abusers is something that must happen for Adora to be able to move past it, so that she can start being a hero of love like she's meant to be. She cannot let naive concepts manipulate her into being hurtful, and cloud her from seeing her path of love. Adora in s1 sees none of this- she only sees her concept of duty which is wrong- she does get wiser throughout s1-4 which sets up for her heroic reveal in s5, when we her true She-ra form.
So, Adora's fighting Catra and all of her former friends, instead of looking to help or understand them, is a presumption that it is a necessary cost of her duty. Upholding her 'duty' was always painful for Adora, and so she thinks hurting her former friends is 'just how it has to be', because Shadow Weaver conditioned her to expect that duty would always feel painful. Her hurtful world view assumes evil on them all, while making no attempt to do better. That's not heroic- Adora is accepting enacting a lesser evil as part of 'duty', just like when Catra was allowed to suffer within the horde while she was given promotion. A real hero faces evil at it's source, by simply vilifying her former friends and breaking her promise to Catra, Adora is being no hero of love...
Which brings us to our next topic: why Adora fails everyone in her old life, and how she could have done better to help the people trapped within the horde’s abusive system. (Part 2)
Adora’s hurtful vilification of everyone in her old life, while never finding a way to help them, really is a failure to all of them. In particular, we can see how much Lonnie feels this way, much like Catra does-
Not finding any way to help them was always a failure of Adora as a hero, something which happens because of her trauma belief of 'duty' before all else, and how her new allies in the rebellion wrongly influence her to believe that all horde are evil. Their corrupted, hurtful views makes Adora miss an obvious possibility:
Adora could have used She-ra as a liberator, rather than as a conqueror.
I realize that may sound like hyperbole, but, there's plenty of evidence of how Adora fails her former friends, and even more about how the rebellion fails the people of the horde. ->see the following pics-
So, we need to talk about why Adora never tries to help her former friends, in order to open a path to freedom like she was offered because she was She-ra.
Even though the rebellion may have the moral high ground in this story, they still fall short of being their best with their derogatory views of the horde- it further divides themselves from what are essentially fellow native Etherians, it surrenders all further thought to what is essentially hate. One result of their flawed views is how we see its Glimmer that activates the super weapon: as she says “we’re the good guys, remember?”. Are they really being their best, though?
Glimmer and Angella have pain from the war, which gives them a corrupted view of the Horde where they summarily judge all Horde to be evil out of their pain. These are derogatory views which are based on their own personal feelings of injury, which leads to their views, as leaders, crossing over from needing to protect themselves, to enacting a unnecessarily hurtful exclusion of a group of vulnerable people who needed their help.
This isn't to say that their pain isn't real… it is, it just doesn't excuse an isolationist, closed minded view of their situation. Surrendering further thought out of emotional pain simply is never healthy, they take their feeling so far as up never show any understanding to any individuals within the horde, or to try to help them. As the leaders of free Etheria, this is a failure of their station as those leaders.
So enters our sweet Adora, who, while she does always mean well, is a lifelong product of abuse that makes her highly vulnerable to blindly going along with others' expectations of her. Afraid to fail her new allies, Adora accepts Glimmer and Angella’s ‘us versus them’ close minded view of the horde as evil as her own, she ignores her deeper knowledge of how this isn't true she has from her time as one of them. Because of it, Adora never considers how they deserve to be given the same chance to be better that she was granted because of her Princess powers.
In all of SPOP, Adora is the only person who is ever actually offered a chance to switch sides. This is a failure that happens because of the derogatory and closed minded views which predominate the rebellion's beliefs- it's no secret that they hate horde soldiers, and that no forgiveness is ever offered. It's prejudiced and amoral.
In SPOP, the Horde isn't evil in the black and white sense that most stories present their villains. They are a combination of bad, but also good: we can see that good in the stories of Catra, Scorpia, Lonnie, etc- even Hordak, the supposed leader of the evil Horde, shows he can be better and gets a redemption.
So, Adora’s intimate connections to people from her former life always demanded more understanding from her than just being crushed under She-ra’s golden boot. ... Not that anybody in the rebellion is actually interested in considering this possibility- and Adora is far too concerned at failing in her new duties as She-ra to stop and see it, and so challenge those views.
It was another missed chance to help people, rather than divide, that Adora misses seeing due to her traumas- her addition to their ranks should have been a chance to change the derogatory views of the rebellion for the better, to open a real path towards freedom for people within the horde who feel trapped by its abusive system, so they can find safety from it like she did when she switched sides.
It's a way in which she could have helped her former friends, and it might even have lead to resolving the war more peacefully- losing soldiers in such a way would have weakened the Horde, possibly even seen its collapse… also, Catra would have seen that Adora was no longer giving in to a blanket derogatory view of people like her... -> ->note, Adora's childhood best friend helms the Horde, and yet, Adora still cannot find common ground ? (This is because of Adora's own divisive and prejudiced behavior towards Catra. Also, Hordak is barely the leader of the Horde- as he hides in his lab and only emerges to makes snide comments.....)
Quick aside: yes, Adora does make a few weak offers of this in s1 to Catra, but always coming after Catra had been further abused because of Adora’s actions, and always with Adora acting in her superior way that shows no understanding of how she's hurtful. It makes Catra doubt Adora’s sincerity.
As it turns out, this derogatory view of the rebellion is a much larger failure: it fails the people of the horde, but very importantly, the way their hurtful views affects Adora equals a personal failure of them all to Adora.
What's really so terribly wrong with the rebellion's close minded views is that we never see any quarter offered to the horde: there's no opportunity for such people to be better- no choice given to them to step free of their abusive situation, and to prove they don't really stand for that. Not having that offer in place is an immoral act, and an abandonment of duty.
Glimmer and Angella’s presumption of evil upon all horde with no path to forgiveness in itself traps those very people in the system which forces them to act in evil ways. War is never an easy thing to solve- but presuming the enemy as evil shuts down all possible further understanding, and perpetuates the violence: as leaders of their world, Glimmer and Angella needed to do better.
And, their hurtful views are also a enormous personal failure to Adora, because it frightens Adora and leads to her continued self hurting-
Adora accepts the rebellion's close minded views that are forced on her, she throws herself into battle continuously trying to make up for her failure to be perfect. She's so afraid to fail them that she acts in compromised ways- such as looking to sacrifice herself, or hurtfully protecting her concept of 'destiny' at the cost of brutalizing her former friends in battle, never looking to help them.
It's a hurtful way to live, and Adora does it because she's so afraid to fail her new allies as a former child soldier from the Horde, and so, their views hurt her- Angella and Glimmer's views that being from the horde is synonymous with evil are a personal failure to Adora, particularly from Angella: as a mother, she could have helped Adora to understand her new role as She-ra, and to help Adora understand her trauma.
Instead, Angella judges Adora and treats her like she's evil unless she fights as she's told to... even though Adora, as an orphan, never had a choice in being from the horde. This is an emotionally hurtful failure to Adora as a friend, (Glimmer) and as a mother (Angella).
::This is also the beginning of a series of failures, one which ends with everyone being hurt, because of Adora’s betrayal of being a hero of love, in what could be considered a butterfly effect-
-> Adora takes the hurtful, close minded black and white view of morality of the rebellion, and applies it to her relationship with Catra- she ignores their intimate history and her promises, and implies that Catra must be evil like Shadow Weaver at multiple intervals following her defection. That is a failure of love, and of their lifetime of their intimate friendship with each other.
Catra had been hurt her whole life, she watched as Adora turned from her as a friend to be the enabler of their abuser. She's had enough of being hurt in this way, and Adora isn't even making an effort to understand why Catra feels so hurt by her actions. So, Catra wants to be free of Adora, who hurts her.
Catra fails Adora as a friend- ending the generosity of love we see her have in ep1-2, that she kept giving despite Adora being so hurtful towards her. Catra is done with Adora’s double standards, she agrees to fight the war against them all, since Adora so seemingly wants it as part of her new life and a 'destiny' which ends up being fake, anyways.
And so, the rebellion's close minded views creates Adora’s failure to Catra, Catra goes to war against them, and so, the one enemy they simply cannot defeat is created by their own close minded views that the forced on Adora...
The rebellion fails Adora -> Adora fails Catra (plus all of her former friends) -> and in reverse, Adora fails ALL of them -> rebellion alike, by failing to make the choice of love, of trying to make an effort to preserve her and Catra’s love, she turns Catra against them all with her lack of faith in their love, choosing to act hurtfully instead. It is a failure of being the hero of love that Etheria chose Adora to be...
A chain reaction that starts with Glimmer and Angella’s own hurtful views ends with EVERYONE being hurt- it amplifies the war, because, Adora is at the center of all that happens, and isn't being the hero she should be... you could ever say it causes a butterfly effect...
Still, Adora had a choice to be better.
Just like she had a choice to stand up to Shadow Weaver in the horde. Just like she had a choice to not turn on everyone in her old life, judging them in such hurtful ways, while never looking to help them. And, just like she had a choice to value her and Catra’s love, and through seeing how her actions hurt their love, seen that the duty she was so blindly devoting herself to was wrongly making her hurt people that deserved better from her.
Adora in s1 has so little emotional presence to be able to see her own hurtfulness- it's due to how she was hurt- that she places her concept of duty so far ahead of love that she can't even see the value of a lifelong relationship of love she had with Catra. Why would Catra think Adora cares about her, when she so casually betrays her, infers evil upon her, implies that Catra must be like their abuser ?
If, Adora was a more emotionally present person, she would have recognized that she needed to find a better way that didn't just brutalizing everyone from her previous life. And the rebellion itself doesn't help her, they just place their unfair expectations upon her. Her trauma makes it hard for her to see why love is important- she can hardly see the bond of love that she has with Catra... so, she doesn't choose love out of false belief in duty and fails to be the hero she's meant to be.. and everyone suffers for it.
In the end, Angella and Glimmer are not in themselves blameless for creating the situation they face with Catra’s determined war against them, because as leaders of the rebellion, they had been failing the vulnerable people in the horde all along.
As the saying goes, hurt people hurt other people. It's true in life and it's true in SPOP. Mostly people hurt each other because of trauma, and in SPOP everyone's trauma adds to the sadness of the war they fight for 4 seasons, horde and rebellion alike, not just Catra... or Adora. It's not the war they needed to fight, it never was, and as such they are all mostly caught unawares when their mistakes in this way results in Horde Prime finding them- ie- the true enemy they all should have been preparing to face...
... Which, it must be acknowledged, results from Glimmer's choice of trying to use a despicable super weapon to win a war- one in which her own bad attitude hurtfully influences Adora and therefore helped to amplify. Glimmer's act nearly destroys them all, while exposing their location to their true enemy all along...
Glimmer’s naive decision results in so much disaster that it really makes you wonder if the rebellion ever deserved to win the war with the way they conducted themselves...
I'd argue no…
Glimmer’s act, and how the princesses are caught so unaware of their true enemies- (ie, Horde Prime and the First Ones) shows them to be so naive that they likely would have inadvertently activated the Heart in time, and thus destroyed themselves, anyways.
They failed to be better, acting in way that added further trauma to the system. (..this is likely really a commentary on the chaos of war in general) And, the princesses really have NO excuse for being caught so unawares like they were- they don't know their own world's history- there's no real excuse for this. Especially when we see that it was indeed possible- Shadow Weaver uncovered much of it as part of her evil plans to attain more power. (Shoutout to Bow’s dads, who made a heroic effort to understand it, while starting from scratch- 🥰)
Add to this that Glimmer’s corrupted choice to activate the heart happens much as a consequence of her listening to, you guessed it, Shadow Weaver, and we have all the proof we need that the princesses don't understand their own “hubris”.
Long story short, everyone messes up the first 4 seasons, nobody is being their best- and so, Adora has to go to great lengths and great personal risk to herself to repair all of their previous mistakes during her s5 arc. She does this in a very beautiful way- she does it through the power of her love- *not* out of destiny, or duty, or even sacrifice. (Part 3)
Adora was always a hero of love, love IS her power, and she should have seen it sooner. Trauma is what blocked her.
A bit of sympathy for Adora:
Even though I'm talking about how she's wrong, Adora constantly found herself unfairly forced into bad situations by others' expectations put on her, some of which are evil, others are at the least unfair and corrupted by hurt. So, she ends up making some wrong choices… yet she's She-ra, she's still got to be better than that.
And Adora shows great courage in getting free of her trauma cycle to trust in the power of love instead of duty, like she was always supposed to do. How she gets past this trauma mentality is by simply learning to reconnect to her best self- and her deepest feelings of love and generosity that she was chosen to be a hero for by Etheria.
... Nevermind the First Ones-- Adora was still chosen by Etheria, as she was as a loving child, before Shadow Weaver ever managed to hurt her and make her into something else.
And, Adora finds this truth within herself with almost no help from anyone with her best interests at heart- Angella tries her best for ~3 minutes in the portal reality, to make up for her own hurtfulness towards Adora. (..Bow and Glimmer do help her some, but are very much involved in their own concerns..) Adora is a hero, but not by destiny… love is her truth.
Now... Adora’s burden as She-ra is indeed incredibly unfair on a personal level, yet as She-ra, she's still got to be able to make the right choices to be able fix the big problems she faces, and making those choices must be guided by love, not by destiny or duty.
So it doesn't matter that she's not responsible for the First Ones original evil, for which she was innocently born into- Adora simply won't quit trying to make it better, because that's who she is at heart. Trying to make things better is always a core motivation for Adora, even though she broke her promise of love to Catra. Love was always her guide, and her strength, that's why Etheria chose her, and in late s4 into s5, we see Adora begin listening to her truth of love.
So, Adora’s hurtfulness with Catra from s1-4 is just the most obvious symptom of how she's struggling with a trauma mindset that blocks her from being the true hero she's meant to be. This means that Adora and Catra's relationship issues and separation was always the real story of Adora's hero's arc, because Adora failed to look deeper and save their love because to her flawed concept of duty.
Being that hero requires not surrendering her reason to false judgements which require her to be hurtful to people who deserved her love and understanding, never mind if Catra makes everything worse with her own hurtful reactions. Adora always needed to be better than that, and being able to be so understanding of the moral complexity of their situation isn't easy, but, she learns to do it. Again, Catra isn't She-ra: Adora is.
::So, SPOP is one big story about people learning to not let their shitty attitudes control them, and of getting past them in order to become better people. Adora had a bad attitude in s1: it made everything worse, she turned on her former friends because of it. Catra’s attitude might be the worst of them all, but they all learn to be better- Glimmer, Angella, Mermista… the list goes on. Everyone needed to be better, and in s5 they are- it's what gives them the power to overcome Horde Prime together.
... Adora rescuing Catra is such an important part of her hero’s arc because of how she is a hero of love, but it's also important because she's making up for her previous mistakes of passing hurtful and false judgements unfairly upon her former friends... and against Catra. We also see Adora’s true powers emerge as she saves Catra, because she's trusting in love...
Speaking of Save the Cat… (part 4)
Still, if you're at all doubting that Adora struggles with being a false hero from s1-4, it's all well confirmed as Adora faces Horde Prime during Save the Cat in order to save Catra…
When Adora shows up to save Catra, and to save their love, Horde Prime pits chipped Catra against Adora, making her play out their entire history of hurting each other for false reasons in order for her to save Catra. This is meant to be a sly and forceful character assasination by Prime of Adora as a false hero, and as a bad friend. He wants Adora to feel weak, that her failures as a hero are so total, and her lack of love so hurtful, that it's much too late for her to fix her mistakes.
Because of his belief, he really isn't expecting Adora to succeed… yet, he doesn't know that Adora has found her truth of love…
He starts out by calling Adora a false hero, rubs it in that she's a First One, part of an evil empire that he easily defeated. And then, as she battles against chipped Catra, he tells her “you will destroy the ones you love in the process.”
This is supposed to be a scathing rebuke of Adora’s actions through s4. One where Adora, and the princesses at large, played into the hands of the First Ones manipulations, where she willingly hurt Catra in the name of her false destiny.
He reminds Adora of all of her failures, and how as a First One she's from an evil race of beings, she's totally at his mercy, just like the She-ra’s before her. He throws Catra at her, tauntingly, offering the chance for her to kill Catra, like she tried to do before in the service of Glimmer and Angella's corrupt expectations that she deliver them from the horde at any cost to herself.
Moments before Glimmer destroys the server, and Adora and Catra get their chance to talk, Prime rubs it in just how much Catra had to suffer for her sacrifice to protect Adora- “she was scared in the end, and she suffered”. A cruelty Catra shouldn't have had to suffer, but for Adora’s long standing history of betraying her for false duty.
Adora tells Catra she's not giving up on her, something she did through the first 4 seasons of SPOP with her blind righteousness towards Catra, never stopping to consider how she herself might have been wrong, instead stubbornly trying to enact her false destiny.
Prime compels Adora- it's too late, the damage is done, he's all but assured to win. She is behind enemy lines, and weak.. “then you are a fool, you cannot stop Horde Prime… he will reign triumphant… it is destiny”.
Her and Catra finally get to talk to each other when the server is destroyed, and as Catra reaches out, nearly taking Adora’s hand, wanting to go home again, he steals it away and taunts Adora one more time: “some creatures are destined only for destruction”- like it always was… Catra was meant to fail from the beginning, to die. And Adora was the tool of her abusers, she threw Catra aside as part of their evil plan to make her fail for their corrupt purposes. He sends Catra plummeting to her near death..
Clutching Catra’s dying body to her chest, Prime tells Adora “it did not have to be like this”. He's telling Adora that it never had to be like this, all of her betrayals of Catra, her struggles in vain against her false destiny, were done in a naive blindness that only ever made everything worse.
Everyone was made to suffer because of her naive belief in that 'destiny', she's failed, and if she's lucky, perhaps Prime might save Catra. By submitting to his will, maybe she can spare Catra her death... or if not... perhaps Adora can at least forget her mistakes like Catra has been made to do…
We all know what happens next. Adora is not the naive girl who played by the rules of her abusers, she's stronger within herself and knows she cannot abandon love. She's there for Catra- she's going to find a way to love her better, even if that's hard to do. As she says to Prime: "you miscalculated”.
And luckily for her, Catra, a true fighter for her own sacred life, surviving against a lifetime of death threats and near death experiences, is able to hang on just long for Adora to be able to save her from the brink of death..
None of this makes Catra’s actions during the war ok, but keep in mind that Catra shows great remorse for all of her mistakes. She's learned her lessons, too… and her remorse and then total confession of love hints that Catra never did what she did as part of wanting to hurt Adora..
Still… what really makes Catra fight against Adora like she does? After all… she had a choice, too, just like Adora did... (part 5)
Catra could have chosen to sympathize with Adora's views at the battle of Thaymore, after all, Adora was clearly right that what was happening to the civilians was wrong, yet Catra didn't.
As it so turns out, Catra isn't very impressed by some suffering of people who have lived their whole lives more privileged than she has, not when every day of her life had been a crime- surviving against abuse and torture with nowhere to run or anyone to turn to, Adora included.
Her life was that of an orphan, singled out for total destruction by their abuser, and as an orphan, the only way Catra knew for sure she could get free of that was through her own actions. She can't rely on anyone liking her or helping her because of innate magical powers like Adora does.
So, putting her life in the hands of the people who have only ever seen her as an enemy makes no sense, she's been hurt too many times before, including by Adora herself, to take Adora’s word for it.
But, she at least hoped that Adora would have chosen her out of love. Adora's willingness to abandon Catra so totally, and then continuing to behave so hurtfully in all of their further meetings, seems to tell another story.
All of Catra’s anger, and her worst actions through s4 can be summed up in one thing, of which never had to do with her wanting to hurt Adora:
Catra believes that she is totally alone in the world against her abuser, that nobody else properly sees Shadow Weaver's evil or will deal with it. And so it's up to her to do what must be done.
Everyone around her is an enabler in some way: Hordak didn't care to take a role in the Horde's everyday, only cared about results. Glimmer and the princesses become the worst kind of enablers of Shadow Weaver from s3 onward by taking her in, giving her total freedom in all but name. (And then there's the matter of Glimmer letting Shadow Weaver channel her power in s3ep4, which she uses to torture and nearly take Catra’s life yet again...)
But the saddest example is how she thinks Adora is a naive enabler who will never learn any better. Catra feels that way because of Adora's hurtful behaviors towards her, and how Adora couldn't even choose Catra out of love, instead vilifying her and hurting her as part of her false belief in duty.
She's wrong about this- Adora sees Shadow Weaver’s evil, too, she just doesn't know what to do about it. Adora had hoped that leaving her old life behind would free her from Shadow Weaver's corrupt influence over her, and yet... we see Adora struggle with how she was hurt right up until the end. Still, if she had just had one decent talk with Catra, it could have cleared up so much hurt between them so much sooner. (but they never did...)
Adora, as we see her in ep1, is a person that is so incredibly naive that Catra doesn't even need to feel that Adora ever intentionally enabled- Adora's blind devotion to Shadow Weaver's plan, followed by total willingness to abandon their fight against their abuser, while instead assuming evil upon Catra while hurtfully lumping Catra in with said abuser, means, as far as Catra could tell, that Adora was never going to choose to help her at all.
Adora’s behavior in the horde was so atrociously bad, that her continued hurtfulness after leaving seems to confirm Catra’s worst fears: that Adora really didn't care about her, and only cared about her duty.
If true, Adora having had no plan to help her would have made Adora's continued naive enabling of Shadow Weaver a clear and present danger to Catra's life. Was playing the favorite to their abuser really Adora's only plan? Would she have just continued to enable Shadow Weaver right up until she pulled off whatever betrayal she had for the two of them, killing Catra, or them both? It sure would seem so.
Add to this the fact that Adora just ends up having enabled a different evil manipulator as part of her deserting her, and Catra is done expecting anyone to ever help her with the realities of her abuser. If the princesses want to call her evil, while sheltering her abuser and further enabling Shadow Weaver’s evil, she won't feel bad if they all get hurt along the way. And Adora is naive, something Catra makes abundantly clear during their fights.
Catra does a lot of dangerous and hurtful things in the name of this belief. But, this is a trauma state Catra learns to wake up from, because she's lost just like Adora is, and her trauma mentality is destructive to everyone around her.
It leaves her with nothing… no moment of happiness, nobody to call her a friend, a life of absolute loneliness with nothing to live for except her drive to punish her abuser at any cost, with little to no chance of forgiveness for her violence. She learns every lesson the hard way- that no matter how much your abusers continued existence hurts you, there's simply some things you just do not do… you're no good to anyone if you surrender your heart to that kind of anger.
Catra does show deep remorse for all of her worst actions. And, she's lucky that Adora saves her. (even if she's a bit pissed at Adora for risking herself like that… 🥺😥)
But, in regards to whether she's abusive… in s5 we don't see that. Catra does act out a little bit while coming to terms with why Adora saved her- she didn't think she would ever get a second chance. From that moment onward we only see love and devotion from Catra, she doesn't want to live in her hurtful ways anymore, even if she still has no idea how to feel safe with her abuser running wild (Adora does see and her best to protect Catra from Shadow Weaver in s5). Catra can't keep living like she was, so living to help Adora makes much more sense.
My final appeal to people who have a hard time accepting Catradora… (part 6)
:: We should all strive to not let our personal hurt block us from appreciating people's situations, and understanding them. I know it may seem like I'm targeting Adora harshly, but that's why I went to such lengths to show how her issues play out in the narrative. Adora struggles to be her best self, like Catra does, and accepting this about her doesn't mean we need to love her any less than we already do!
Adora is absolutely precious, as is Catra… they never should have been hurt like they were- Adora as the ‘hero’ and Catra as singled out for destruction because of how she loved Adora.
They were always sweet girls, like the innocent and loving children we see them as in their earliest memories, before that day when Shadow Weaver hurt them so badly.
The beautiful love we see between them in s5 is what they always deserved- they should have been allowed to grow up with innocence and then fallen in love, but instead they got hurt because of the corrupt intentions of others.
They both spend the arc of the series trying to get past how they've been hurt, to get back to each other. And how they do that is by remembering the way they loved each other before Shadow Weaver was ever able to hurt them so much and drove them apart.
That, was always their truth, their love is good and pure like it is in those childhood memories. They were always supposed to love each other, and their division was a mistake that happens out of how Shadow Weaver and others have hurt them.
Both of them show tremendous courage in working hard to be able to step past how trauma controls them to be better, it's not just Catra who has to do this.
Adora does, too, because she's got to trust in love, not duty or destiny or sacrifice to be incredibly strong in the ways she needs to be to do the really scary things she has to do- such as stopping the Heart, and of solving a millennia old war that was never her fault, plus more. Love was always what makes Adora strong enough to do the very hard things which she has to do.
When Catra is given a second chance in s5, she sees that Adora is being hurt, and how nobody really helps her… they just expect her to do whatever has to be done. And that's wrong, because it’s unfair and it hurts her. Catra knows Adora has been hurt all of her life, she just didn't realize how much...
Catra may have been made to suffer because of Adora, but she survived that, and so she heals herself to be free of it as best she can in s5. And, Catra realizes she can help Adora, really really help her, to do the very hard things that are expected of her… Catra puts everything she has into helping Adora in s5. It's what Catra always thought she'd do, as the wiser child that knew how evil the world really was. She just got all mixed up inside, fearing that Adora would never really love her… and that was wrong of her.
Catra isn't really expecting redemption.. or even for Adora to return her feelings of romantic love back to her in the same way that she feels. She's a bit a of a pessimist, and has been left waiting her whole life to see someone show care and real love to her... But, all she has left is her love for Adora, and so she gives everything she has to her.
I think that's really courageous of her, and when she sees Adora is failing in the Heart chamber, she makes a dazzling series of romantic moves during the dream and the kiss- to show Adora that she's loved, that she's wanted, and that she's not alone. Brave, romantic moves which Catra didn't know for certain that Adora would reciprocate, but... she was still willing to do it, she loves her too much to let Adora fail, and die, while feeling so scared and alone. So, Catra does everything she can think of to let Adora know that she's loved. Catra deserves some credit for that.
We see that it works, as Adora has always loved her, too. Adora was just too blocked from expressing her love by her trauma. And Adora’s final test, as a hero of love, is quite simply to accept that she can be loved, not as a hero, but for who she is...
... I don't know what else to say to anyone who can't accept their love, or at least I won't here. I think it is the most beautiful love story I have ever seen.
In large part this is because it's not simplified. Catra and Adora’s love isn't just assumed to be kismet, they have to work hard to be together. They are both really bad communicators, and had to learn to talk to each other. This is true with most relationships, and in doing so they become truly loving partners to each other.
... So, it might have been nice if there had been enough time for Noelle to give us even one more kiss between them... but, I think Noelle wanted to tell us a very mature, grown up story about overcoming adversity to embrace love. And I think that's really commendable of them.
Sorry that took so long… Anyways, Catradora is the best ship, I don't make the rules! 😅🚢 ✨ I realize I won't be able to convince everyone, but that kiss was beautiful, was it not?? So, I hope my words aren't a total loss, and that maybe I can convince just a few people to feel like I do.
Love is power. 💞🏳️🌈☺️
:: Hi!! - I will gladly answer anyone's questions, and feel free to let me know what you thought of this. Thank you.
Also, if you've read this far, thank you for that- if you enjoyed it please consider giving it a ✨reblogg✨ or a like!! *humble thanks 🙇*
Peace and Love,
~EtheriaDearie 🕊
Some final notes:
Yes, I do realize these are fictional characters, but it's easier to talk about them this way- they are the nuanced creations of very creative people, meant for us to enjoy… in that way they might as well be real, because they have so much to teach us-
Got time to read something short (yes I mean it!!) that's mostly pictures? Check out this cool theory about Adora's dream it's real quick!! 💞🏳️🌈
-all hyperlinks are on tumblr. Here's a list of my other analyses-
LotFP = Legend of the Fire Princess. It's canon, important, a whole lot of fun, and worth checking out!! 10/10 😉
-note: I will not use the term 'toxic' because of how I feel the word carries cultural connotations which detract from discussion. However, discuss as you wish! I have no issue with the word or the concept, I just seek to be very clear in my meanings -
Finally, here's a link to a YouTube video of Adora saying Catra's name (fast forward to 0:40). You can really hear how her tone changes through time, in particular in s3 right before Catra pulls the switch, as Adora is coming to terms with her mistakes as She-ra. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=f_WRT3D3n_I
Visual parallels:: and how the ✨Dream✨ is canon Catradora romance 💓💫💞🏳️🌈
::A SPOP quick study of this theory. Also, SPOILER ALERT if you haven't finished the show! 🚨🚨🚨
Save the Cat and Heart Part 2 are highly parallel episodes- in fact, they're mirrored. Including, but especially, the dream itself-
The message? That we're actually seeing Catra in the dream with Adora, and it is a canon romantic moment for us to appreciate. 💞🏳️🌈
Catra is in the dream with Adora - as the dream is actually a simulation, like the ones that Catra and Adora shared together during Promise. And what Catra is doing is trying to cheer Adora back to life- just like Adora did for Catra when she was teetering on the edge of the platform in Save the Cat.
That the two scenes are so purposefully mirrored is an artistic message for us to understand-- As Catra holds her hand out to Adora in the dream, it is the mirror of Adora holding her hand out to Catra in Save the Cat.
This mirroring* of the story and visuals is shown repeatedly throughout the episodes, and not just in the dream itself. (* if confused, see below)
Another visual parallel gives us more clues about Catra's presence: Catra's decision to stay with Adora moments before the dream is visually parallel to how she stands with Adora during the dream. Because, Catra is deciding to show her true feelings, including that she's willing to 'stand behind' Adora as the hero, something which is new as of this moment.
And in the dream, Catra shows that she stands with Adora as her loving partner, and she also shows Adora that she's in love with her.
'I'm your idiot'
In Save the Cat, when Catra ever so fondly calls Adora an idiot, Adora completely accepts it. She's admitting that she should have understood sooner how Catra was attacked all of their lives, and that Adora not looking out for Catra, and then leaving her, was hurtful.
And in the dream, Catra shows the same love and acceptance as Adora, in this case she's admitting that she's in love with Adora. Catra is telling Adora that being in love is what makes Catra want to drop her cool collected mannerisms around Adora, and instead be vulnerable and sweet. Aka, Catra is letting herself be an idiot in love during the dream for Adora's sake.
Ok so moving on to how the entire episodes are visual mirrors, starting from the very beginning of Heart Part 2. They mirror onward from the point when Prime touches Catra's shoulder during Save the Cat. Also, Shadow Weaver takes Prime's place because she's the overarching villain of the show.
More very closely mirrored scenes well before the dream: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, what do I see ? Two girls mirroring their love for each other so they can save them!! 🪞💞🪞 Catra's refusing to leave Adora when she's told to is the mirror of Adora telling Catra that she's not giving up on her during Save the Cat.
Prime's behavior also mirrors Save the Cat. And when he shocks Catra making her fall, Adora refuses to give up and instead risks jumping off the platform to save her. During the dream, Catra's intervention tells us that she must have seen Prime trap Adora- and so, Catra, too, refuses to give up, and she finds a way to reach Adora and free her. In short: Catra is able to turn Prime's own virus against him to save Adora, as Catra became infected with it along with Adora when the monster attacked her. (see Catra's right hand, above).
More beautifully mirrored emotions and story- Note: Adora perfectly mirrors Catra's emotions (in last panel) right before she unlocks her true She-ra form to fight off Prime, but, I wanted to show continuity with the healing scene. In both scenes, Adora's "It's ok, I'm here" and then "We're going home" are very similar to Catra's "I've got you, I'm not letting go!!"
Finally, the healing scene and the kiss are very similar as well. When Adora heals Catra, they are both enveloped by magic, and the same thing happens during the kiss. Why? Because Catra has incredible magical harmony- such as when she returns as Corrupted Catra, and her magical bond with Melog. Catra's kiss heals the virus in Adora, and their love for each other is what allows Catra to help Adora absorb the Heart's power-- 🌟❤️🏳️🌈
:: Hiya, and thanks for reading!! This is most of all a celebration of the incredible beauty and amazing romance we see during the dream. And yet, wouldn't it be even more beautiful if there were a way by which Catra was with Adora in her dream, whereby she romances Adora back to life? It's just a theory, I admit. But the mirroring that Noelle & Friends have put in the story with such apparent deliberateness may very well mean that we really are seeing the girls being their absolute most romantic and beautiful for each other. Either way, the dream is a ✨stunning✨ sequence.
:: So, I hope you at least enjoyed this, and please do ask questions! If you want more background on my reasoning, feel free to read my full theory post here. Either way, I welcome your questions and comments, and I will try to respond to all of them! So thank you for reading, or for even a like or a reblogg!!!
~EtheriaDearie 🏳️🌈💞💫
a bonus picture::
Very clever, reflecting the girls top to bottom rather than left to right! But really, Horde Prime's monologues in each episode are very similar. That's all, and thanks for reading! ❤️
definition- ::Mirroring: when two images are arranged opposite, as if they are reflections in a mirror. For example, in Save the Cat, Adora holds out her right hand to Catra from the left, and during the dream Catra holds out her left hand to Adora from the right. ✌️😁💜
Hello, longtime She-ra meta writer here. Which is why you're probably wondering, why the sudden interest in Citrus? Well-!!!
Citrus, like She-ra, is one of the few animated shows to directly take being a childhood abuse survivor. And like She-ra, it's carefully drawn to show the emotions the characters experience. And last, like She-ra, it's constantly misinterpreted and often accused of romanticizing abuse, which it doesn't! But all of this means it's a great series that could use a deeper look. Stick with me for this tell-all as we go through the evidence and I promise to dispel many of the toxic myths about this relatively brilliant anime!
So, what's Citrus-? 🧸
Citrus is a widely available wlw saphhic love story between a very abused woman (Mei) and a highly empathetic woman (Yuzu) who is in love with Mei and wishes to help her.
Mei is a very hurtful person, including towards Yuzu, she constantly acts out her trauma, and ruins any chance of romance. Our protagonists story, Yuzu, is about emotional intelligence and empathy. We get to follow along in Yuzu's head as she goes through a series of adorable gay panics as she tries to figure Mei out.
Yuzu does this out of her own free will, generously, because she wants to, and the intelligence we’re shown as she does this is what makes this story so important to people who have been hurt like Mei has. For people like us, it gives hope that people really are out there who can understand us, and will choose to love us past the trauma that controls us.
And how would someone do that? They'd do it like Yuzu does with Mei- in Citrus!
::TW: abuse, sexual abuse, childhood neglect, etc etc
For Mei, seeing that Yuzu does this makes it an important story about belief and healing. Mei doesn't believe such love can be real, having been a neglected child and subjected to sexual abuse while having heavy responsibility forced on her as only a child. The story is really about how Yuzu uses her own personal strength and love to help someone like Mei who was forced into a position where she became emotionally damaged- we get to see what it looks like for someone who has a lot of love to give help us. It's also a really cute show full of tons of fun and cute moments!!
The story has many exciting twists and turns, from Mei's initial violence towards Yuzu in response to Yuzu making light of how her abuser was hurting her, to her continued lashing out to resist Yuzu’s attempts at loving her, to Yuzu's inward battle against her preconceptions of what romance is and deciding to be with Mei because she's in love with her, as flawed as Mei may be. Jealous rivals interject and much drama occurs, before a very heartwarming conclusion that is hard fought.
So, here's a few major questions we will be answering:
Why does Yuzu fall so deeply in love with Mei early on, when Mei behaves abusively towards her?
What is the significance of Mei's torn teddy bear, which Yuzu heals for her and which prominently appears during the climax of the series as Mei accepts Yuzu's love?
What is “sisterly love”, and why does Yuzu constantly fall back on it to try to explain her emotions of love towards Mei, only seeing past it to the true romantic love she means to say towards the end?
If you like this series, I hope to connect with you here ❤️
Please keep reading, we will mostly touch on the high points, such as when they fight or kiss, explaining the rest of the story in relation to these snares and successes in their relationship.
This means we will be talking about some very emotionally charged subjects: please be aware that we will be talking about sexual abuse, PTSD and abusiveness, about child neglect and its effects, and about lashing out as a misguided form of self protection due to being hurt. We will also be talking about the sexy feelings which both Mei and Yuzu have, so I hope that it will be a fun aside to discussions about abuse.
This is one of the best things about Citrus: we are given a wlw couple that are canon from the opening credits, the series is all about their romantic love and struggles with a brilliantly beautiful conclusion. When so many wlw anime shy away from allowing the characters to kiss, Citrus dives right in to give us a exciting and complicated story that's delivered well.
It's not all fun and games, just as life tends to be, Yuzu and Mei struggle against specters of violence that haunt our real life societies. Citrus is not bashful about confronting real issues, and yet their relationship is quite fun and rewarding aside from or maybe because of the realness we’re shown.
A couple notes: I am reviewing the English dub of Citrus, it is very well done, but from what I can tell only varies slightly from the Japanese sub. I haven't had the luxury of reading the whole manga yet but have a basic understanding of its differences, however I will treat the anime as stand alone, with their future being wives.
Lastly, like She-ra, we’ll be using the emotions we see on Mei and Yuzu’s faces alongside their dialogue to know what they're thinking throughout the series. I can't show every frame my analysis is based on, but please do refer to the pictures I can provide, and watch the scenes yourselves! If there's something I didn't answer, let me know and I will address it!!
Fight #1: the incredibly abusive kiss Mei forced on Yuzu that we all need to talk about.
That this scene is the first “intimate” interaction between the two of them threw me for a loop. I had to stop and check that A.) the series is written by a woman (it is) and B.) Mei isn't a sadist (she not, phew) before continuing. The scene is scary, Yuzu’s distress is graphically shown. So what really happens? Why does Mei attack her? And how come Yuzu responds by looking to help Mei, rather than shutting down due to the trauma of what was done to her? Let's discuss, and we’ll cover the rest of ep1 as we do.
:: Yuzu is already feeling pretty salty when they enter the bedroom. What Mei did to her at school, basically groping her under the guise of confiscating her phone, was wrong. Seriously, if anything like this happens to you, even if you think the other person did it because they're hurt, even if you think it was hot and is awakening new gay feelings™️ in you, make sure you atleast have a support network that's aware of what's going on. And yes, it does raise curious feelings in Yuzu, that she might like a woman touching her, but it was still wrong.
Back to the bedroom, Yuzu starts by making an attempt to be civil even though she's suspicious. That Mei gives her the cold shoulder, hiding the all important bear from her, refusing to speak to her, makes Yuzu jump to the conclusion that Mei is a ‘mean girl’. That she gets off on it.
Not actually the case. Again, Yuzu jumped to that conclusion without thinking, which is beneath her as an empathy genius. So, she gets snide, she needles Mei about what she saw her doing with their teacher. It's very “popular girl mean talk” which is what's so throwing about Yuzu at first: she gives off some of those vibes. Concerned with looks, consumer fashion and makeup, she wants to be rich. But those are not the core of Yuzu, it's just what she expects Highschool life to be. What she really is is a highly intelligent and empathetic person. Her behavior here is wrong.
The snide way Yuzu is talking to Mei about the abuse Mei just suffered is what's so upsetting to Mei, and then when she suggests that “I totally get it. You make out with him in the open because knowing you might get caught makes it even hotter. Now if you ask me, I bet that kiss was your first. So what was it like, anyway? I always pictured it to be really magical- ” (etc.) when in fact Mei was having a traumatic experience, is what causes her to attack Yuzu.
That's where Mei’s violence comes from as she attacks Yuzu. Yuzu hasn't figured out yet that the expression she was seeing on Mei’s face as her abuser kissed her was that of intense physical and emotional pain, she was trying to dissociate while trapped in agony. And Yuzu is making light of that pain, something she has no experience with. And as she does, she's making Mei relive the pain she's so desperate to disassociate from all over again, which makes her desperate to get Yuzu to stop talking because it's hurting her.
So, she does what her abuser has done to her time and time again, which shut down her ability to fight back against him by overwhelming her, to stop Yuzu and so she will know what it's like to be powerless and in pain. She does to Yuzu what has been done to her. Afterwards as she stands up, she angrily tells Yuzu “It felt like THAT. Magical enough for you?”
As she does, we’re shown her face in black shadow. But this is for suspense- Yuzu was able to see the sadness and pain on Mei's face that she has been carrying day and day again as the man who she was betrothed to for financial gain has had free license to abuse her.
What could Yuzu possibly know about her pain, she's saying. And as traumatic as what she does to Yuzu, we see that Yuzu doesn't totally shut down. Not like Mei had to do to dissociate and survive the abuse, no Yuzu's senses are wide open. She's looking for the reason Mei attacked her, sensing her anguish, and she will go on to find its source so she can help her.
This is not the reaction of someone who is in dissociation due to trauma, Yuzu took the hit and kept processing. If anything, what Mei does to her sharpens Yuzu’s senses, not the opposite- even while Yuzu is struggling against shutting down from the violation of it. Being attacked was horrifying, and what Mei was very upsetting. Yet it's the first time Yuzu has encountered trauma in another person, she's trying to understand it, and her empathy towards Mei is what's in control.
That about sums it up, Yuzu has begun her struggle with her new realization that she's gay and attracted to Mei, but that's not as important as how she goes on to call out Mei’s abuser and get him fired, the engagement rescinded as well. And it really really helps Mei, she's never seen anyone come to her aid.
Which sets up our second fight- at Grandpa’s house.
After Yuzu’s calling out Mei’s abuser in front of the school to get him fired, Mei is forced to return to her grandfather's house, which she obeys out of duty. And Yuzu has a notion of this, which Mei teases her about “Are you going to save me from my mean old grandfather?” Mei seldom smiles but she does here, Yuzu’s care for her tickles her heartstrings. But it must be fake, others helping her and love is a lie in Mei’s experience. But Yuzu comes to see her at the mansion anyway.
In the bedroom at her grandfather's house, Yuzu tries to cut past the bullshit, imploring Mei to leave while listing out how she sees that Mei works hard for the school yet gets hurt for it. She doesn't understand how powerless Mei has really been, that duty and honor controlled her and made her go along with the engagement her grandfather so coldly made for her. That she put up with the abuse out of duty. So Mei flies at Yuzu in a rage, who speaks like she knows how difficult it is when she does not.
Mei is in full trauma flashback as she does, all of the powerlessness she had of knowing her abuser could attack her whenever he wanted and that she had to put up with it for the family wells up all at once. She's no longer really seeing what's in front of her, she's just repeating what was done to her to Yuzu, who's doing her best to fight back. But as she attacks Yuzu and Yuzu thinks she's about to be traumatized, all of Mei’s hurt and anguish pours down on Yuzu as tears of sadness. Yuzu’s eyes flare with understanding as she feels their warmth on her skin. She manages to hold Mei’s arms at bay and pull her close “I'm here, I'm right here!”.
Yuzu's response to Mei’s attacking her out of pain is to hug her close, something we’ll see time and time again. This is an empathetically intelligent choice Yuzu makes because she really is that exceptional of a person, she’ll help Mei even if it's hard. Just like that, this stops Mei- she's no longer in a traumatic flashback. Yuzu hugging her is such a new experience that Mei is lost on how to respond, she's not used to receiving empathy.
This healing would have gone further but their grandfather interrupts them and blames it all on Yuzu who's partially underdressed from Mei attacking her. Which sucks for them both, but Yuzu’s hugging Mei starts Mei thinking that Yuzu might actually get her, even though Yuzu has no idea what it is to be abused like she has, Yuzu at some subconscious level can tell what Mei is feeling, and hugged her in response…
Sisterly Love, and what that's really about
This begins a long period of reflection for Yuzu and her relationship to Mei. She went to the manor to help Mei, but was forced from the room by an enraged grandfather as Mei sat despondent on the bed. Why does she end up hurting Mei instead of helping her? It's not that she did, Mei needed exactly what Yuzu offered, the hug she gave her. And Yuzu realizes she's in love for the first time.
But that's where sisterly love comes in, because we immediately hear Yuzu fall back on this concept to try to explain her love. This is because it's an odd sort of love, so far. Yuzu feels an intense desire to comfort and protect Mei. She feels this way because of her romantic feelings, but so far that's still not clear to her. She thinks it might be a sisterly thing.
This kind of care, protectiveness is often depicted in anime, of the older sister’s love for their younger siblings. This is a natural kind of love, a familial love- so it confuses Yuzu because this kind of love is not intrinsically a kind of romantic love. But it can be, as romantic love IS a kind of familial love because lovers become found family. She knows Mei has been in a desperate place and that she needs her support, like an older sister (which she now technically is) would provide.
Yuzu also considers that maybe because of Mei's desperate situation, that's what she should be focusing on, how her empathy can support Mei getting past being hurt. She's not wrong to think this, but Yuzu doesn't understand that her protective feelings come from her romantic interest yet, so it fries her circuits. She wants to be good to Mei but can't separate her protective instinct from romantic desire, she will struggle with this right up until the end and during her love confession.
What Yuzu can't see yet is that her protectiveness towards Mei isn't sisterly love, it's wifely love.
Yuzu and Mei get their chance to get closer when their grandfather becomes ill. Yuzu finding him as such when she was about to confront him about her expulsion brings them together as a family, and he will have to accept her as a granddaughter. And it helps Mei to accept Yuzu's generous nature as genuine. She decides to go back to living with Yuzu's mother and her, irregardless of Yuzu’s telling her to choose her own happiness. Yuzu's happy hug at the hospital catches Mei by surprise but she doesn't fight it.
I also like that Mei's grandfather tells Mei to live her own life, make her own choices knowing full well that Mei may have gay feelings for Yuzu. He was initially homophobic seeming, but at least in the anime, he’s able to recognize what Mei wants and separate that from the flawed expectations he put on her that have hurt her so much. In this timeline, it makes me think Mei is going to be ok, although I think this story may differ slightly from the manga.
So she gets his blessing to live in Yuzu's home. Mei is making a choice to accept her and Yuzu's mother as family, when she gets home she's further taken aback by Yuzu's mother's genuine hug and happiness to have her back. She wants to accept that maybe this isn't fake after all. She even lets Yuzu fix her bear- at first, she is of course affronted, telling Yuzu not to touch her stuff. But, her bear was something she couldn't fix on her own. She's thankful to Yuzu even if she can't say it out loud.
Mei, the paragon of adult responsibility in a teenager, lacked the ability and executive function to sow her bear back together properly, and Yuzu is welcoming her home by doing a superb job of it. Mei hid the bear from Yuzu- it is the one good memory she still has of her father before he left her.
What this bear represents is her innermost self, and her vulnerability that she hides from others. The one considerate gift her father ever gave her had become broken and frayed over time, like she has from abuse, and she couldn't find within herself to fix it as the burdens of her life crushed down on her. Mei hasn't been well since, and that's why the bear got more broken over time. It is a reflection of her inner state. And for Yuzu to come along and fix it, like Yuzu did getting her abuser fired, as well as giving her a new family where her feelings are considered and she gets support, is symbolic. Mei is incredulous that it can be real yet she goes with it.
We will see Mei's bear many times at important junctures, such as Yuzu's love confession, as the representation of her innermost wants. When it came to fixing the bear, it had to be Yuzu because she's the person who ruses to stop loving Mei. But that doesn't mean that Mei won't mess things up constantly, believing such love cannot be real for someone like her.
…So they end up fighting again.
To which Mei will openly admit how terrible she is for pushing Yuzu away, which is important to consider when judging her actions.
After their mother gets them a bed to sleep in, Yuzu is understandably unable to separate her romantic and sexual attraction from her intentions to be good to Mei. They're sleeping in the same bed, for fuck’s sake, their transition to being wives is even more real! But Mei stiff arms Yuzu’s wanting to make out with her, instead choosing to sleep on the floor. Yuzu doesn't get it, instead asking Mei why she would kiss her if she didn't like her.
Mei tells Yuzu she was talking rudely and that she did it to shut her up- Mei actually tells Yuzu outright that she uses sexual assault as a weapon to stop people from hurting her. And yeah, Yuzu was hurting her by bringing up the abusive moment she witnessed, which Mei needs to dissociate from, in a hurtful way by suggesting that Mei was enjoying it when she was actually in incredible pain.
And that's really cruel of Mei. She fights like her abuser taught her to, by violating someone's safety and feelings so much that they shut down, and so Yuzu had to go through that. Yet, as bad as what Mei did was, Yuzu didn't shut down, she tried to understand. Mei then tells Yuzu that she's not romantically interested in her and only did it to stop her, and so Yuzu tells her “I see. That you're terrible.”
Mei solemnly agrees “It would seem so.” She can't help lashing out in defense and she openly acknowledges her own horribleness, all of its true. She's no good as the target of another’s affections.
But it's a lie that she's not interested in Yuzu. She's never been so attracted to anyone in her life. But she's scared to let her get too close, so she acts mean instead. Mei knows she's terrible, and for one part she's trying to scare Yuzu away. She's telling Yuzu: why get involved with someone who's so hurt?
The next sequence is dominated by Yuzu’s pushing Mei down and kissing her, as well as other affronts to Mei’s personal space such as with Momo. It all leaves Mei ragged at the edges, and she gets sick because of it.
You might be thinking, it's only fair since Mei did it to Yuzu first, but remember that Yuzu isn't the one who was attacked repeatedly by an abuser with total power to do so. So, it really is wrong of Yuzu to do it. This also leads to a jealous spiral with Momo, who further assaults Mei, trying to seduce her into being her girlfriend. In both cases Mei’s dismay goes unconsidered, and as an abuse survivor it is a blow to Mei's confidence in others.
Now, it's not like Yuzu pushing Mei down is unexpected, she's an inexperienced teenager after all. She really doesn't know anything about love (her words). She went to Mei's office thinking they were going to patch things up, but instead Mei tries to talk down to her for reading naughty manga. Yuzu’s “This is all your fault Mei, for kissing me” is fair, Yuzu hates Mei’s double standards. She put the moves on her in the shower, after all. What's Yuzu supposed to think, that Mei isn't interested? She clearly is. But it still sucks that Yuzu gets so caught up in her own feelings that she takes Mei's autonomy away by forcing her down and kissing her. It's true, it's not all bad, after Yuzu flees, Mei's fingers linger on her lips where Yuzu kissed her, feeling how different that it is when someone she’s actually attracted to kisses her assertively.
Not knowing what to do with herself afterwards, Yuzu retreats to Harumin’s house so she won't have to face Mei at home. Yuzu recognizes that she hurt Mei again, and wants to apologize but can't find the words to do it. Yuzu meets with Himeko who wants to know what went down in the office between them which grants her a bit more insight about Mei: her father left her and the family years ago, and Mei changed for the worse after, taking on the family burden and seeming to suffer while distancing Himeko’s friendship.
Himeko tries to beat up on Yuzu for hurting Mei's feelings but as usual Yuzu sees past the bullshit and walks out instead. She then happens upon Mei on the street, who asks why she hasn't been coming home at night. Yuzu tries to indicate that she can't be there because of Mei, she knows she was bad.
Yet Mei seemingly forgives her- we were shown scenes of Mei looking lonely in the bedroom without Yuzu there- and then for the first time Mei uses Yuzu’s name “Why not? It's where you live, right, Yuzu?” Yuzu has a happy reaction to this- almost “Hey, Adora” esque- and it convinces Yuzu that it's ok to come home. Yuzu obligues. Himeko, witnessing this conversation, finds out they're stepsisters, and living together, thus jumpstarting her jealous attempt at seducing Mei.
That tantalizing and almost healthy kiss
Before we get to that, we need to talk about the best kiss they have up to that point. Yuzu is finally home and crashes on the bed, only to find out Mei snuck under the covers next to her. So now Yuzu is freaking out because technically they're in bed together, apparently Mei isn't planning on sleeping separately.
Seeing Yuzu’s distress, Mei knows she must answer Yuzu's confusion. Yuzu openly shows shame as she faces her, she's about to apologize for forcing the kiss on her when to her surprise Mei brings it up instead. Mei’s words about what happened- don't apologize “Because I think may have pressured you into it as well” shows she doesn't blame Yuzu for getting upset and forgives her. Yet Yuzu apologizes anyways “I shouldn't have done anything without considering how you felt” is exactly right.
When Mei suggests they do something to have closure, Yuzu blushes all but saying she wants to kiss- after all Mei is in front of her and has indicated that she's forgiven. Still, it's surprising when Mei leans in to give her a simple, no nonsense kiss. Poor Yuzu is right to be confused- if that wasn't a make up kiss between two girlfriends she's blind! As soon as it's over, she's expected to go back to hands off- is she her girlfriend or is she not? Is Mei stringing her along? Yeah, but not for the obvious reasons- Mei is too insecure for a real relationship yet. But she IS betting on Yuzu.
We then have Momo’s assault, and as Mei’s oldest friend she's disappointed that Momo would try that on her. Himeko’s “I won't lose her to you” right before in regards to Yuzu is self involved and ignores Mei’s feelings entirely. Himeko goes on to learn to set aside her selfish desires since they keep Mei from being happy.
Now believing she's in competition with Himeko, Yuzu sees her taking Mei to her fathers grave as a chance to get ahead, and as a date. Of course it isn't a date unless both people agree that it is beforehand! Separated on the train, Yuzu fights over to Mei on the train and they end up smashed together tits to tits, and when Mei seems to react sexually to the closeness Yuzu takes liberties yet again, which is another violation of Mei's space. Even though Mei is most guilty of ignoring consent, as an abuse survivor it's important that people ask her for it, which Yuzu didn't do.
Yet later on, Mei yet again flirts with Yuzu at the crepe shop by eating the whip cream off her lips, Mei is one cool character as she does this deliberate tease. As much as she says otherwise, it's obvious she likes Yuzu, she wants Yuzu’s attention and so she does enough to keep her interested.
Yuzu and Mei get closer as family at her fathers grave when Mei realizes Yuzu is like her in how she has struggled with loneliness. She confesses to Yuzu that she's never read her father's letters because she doesn't know if she can ever feel like a daughter again after what he did. But as she does she realizes that she's fortunate that her father is alive, unlike Yuzu. Yuzu promises to help Mei find a way to help her reconnect with her dad. It's a huge relief, stressed out and tired Mei’s walls come down emotionally for Yuzu… and that's when the cold she's been fighting off catches up with her.
The day before, Mei skipped two meals in a row, she skipped dinner after Momo’s assaulting her, and lunch the next day when both Momo and Yuzu try to eat lunch with her, arguing in front of her. She banished both of them, both of them were not considering her feelings in how they've acted and it’s stressing her out, making her sick to her stomach, so again she didn't want to eat. Still, when Yuzu requested her presence for visiting her father, Mei went along.
All of this leads to her later collapse at school. It may have allied her to have an emotional breakthrough with Yuzu after she went to the grave, but she missed multiple meals out of stress, making her catch a cold which she tries to ignore because she believes she cannot to miss the board meeting later in the day. This is the thing with Mei: most of her emotional breakthroughs come when she's exhausted, that's when her walls come down and she acts sincerely.
But it also is what leads to her getting sick and collapsing, that's the other consequence of Momo and Yuzu having run her ragged. Collapsed on the ground because of her cold, she snaps at Momo, telling her she has no idea what real responsibility is- how much she's been carrying. Yuzu scolds her for this- maybe Momo doesn't understand her job and the demands put on her by the adults she has to please at the board meeting, but lashing out solves nothing. Yuzu will make her apologize for this- also, we don't hear anything bad come of it so Momo probably did fine filling in. Mei consistently believes she's more isolated than she actually is.
Fight 3: make no mistake, Mei’s father is still a bad parent.
An important thing to remember about Citrus is that it's not all as one sided as Mei hurting Yuzu, the opposite happens too, in fact Yuzu will bring up the night Mei's father returned as one of her biggest failures. When Mei’s father says he won't return to the academy, and Mei realizes that the burdens she accepted 5 years ago as a mere child really are hers to bear alone, we get the scene of Mei’s attempted seduction and Yuzu slapping her for it. It's a mistake about expectations each of them has and how they don't quite understand each other yet, like Sarah tells Yuzu to do later on.
As Yuzu reaches out for Mei while she's crying facing away from her, she wants to comfort her but doesn't really understand Mei's display of desperate emotion, so she hesitates. She can't fathom the depth of Mei’s pain and all she has bore that lead to it, she doesn't know firsthand what it was like for Mei to be abused by her fiancé in order to ensure the academy's future. Her “When are you going to stop trying to do everything alone” and shocked look when Mei turns to her, her eyes full of tears and betrayal, telling Yuzu she had no choice but to do it, shows how little she knows of Mei’s burden.
Still shocked by the look in Mei's eyes, Yuzu stammers as Mei reaches for her, and then Mei is suddenly kissing her, Yuzu's eyes remain wide as she is still trying to process what that look in Mei's eyes meant. Mei’s words were a glimpse into a world Yuzu has never seen and while she can get there on understanding it, there's no way she can deal with Mei’s sudden emotions, her expectations as she kisses her, the sadness Mei wants her to fill. Mei’s “you’ll be the one who needs me, won't you" is a desperate admission of her loneliness. Mei proceeds to attempt to seduce Yuzu, if Yuzu wants closeness then sex is closeness, right? If Mei can prove herself as a lover then Yuzu will want her, she will have purpose.
As she says “I’m lost, I need someone to accept these feelings”, Yuzu responds “... Oh, Mei” and we are shown a very deliberate shot of Yuzu hugging Mei to her. Mei is tragic and blowing past all restraints due to sadness and is trying to seduce Yuzu, and Yuzu accurately identifies loneliness as the real reason Mei is suddenly kissing her. So, Yuzu hugs her, wanting to give Mei a place to cry out her lonely emotions. So she can heal.
Once again, as Mei becomes tragic we see how intelligently Yuzu responds to it. What Yuzu offers her is real healing, but that's not really what Mei is expecting in this moment. Mei is dissociating from her true feelings, she's desperately seeking to secure some reason to think they're together and she sees sex as a way to secure closeness. Her emotions are way too raw to process gently in Yuzu’s arms, so to say.
Sex seems more tangible to her, once she knows she has Yuzu for sure maybe she can heal bit by bit in her arms, but she can't just cry it out, so to say. Her panic is telling her to get as close to Yuzu as quickly as she can, so she tries to prove herself. She's all bluster as she tells Yuzu that she's good at taking orders- Matsuri calling her a slut has no basis in reality. Mei is good at faking confidence though, and it is true that she will be careful to find how to please Yuzu best, in thanks for being with her. But Yuzu isn't having it.
Yuzu offered her this emotionally healing moment by hugging her, that's what real closeness is. And instead Mei is rushing forward with sex, and that's not real closeness. Yuzu may be a very sexual person but she wants romance, she has expectations of both. What she can't see yet is how desperate Mei is to secure their relationship by closing that distance physically. Both of them have very different expectations of what this moment should be- Mei’s is sex, Yuzu's is to hold Mei as she cries, to get closer, to have Mei tell her more of how she's been burdened so she can support her better.
And so, they fight. And this time, it's really Yuzu who starts a fight. She slaps Mei, telling her “Why can't you think of MY feelings for once?” Of how sex without real closeness isn't what she wants, of how Yuzu wants Mei to be romantic with her before they do that. Mei seducing her lacked all romance, Mei is terrible at being romantically present or seeing Yuzu's feelings. But Yuzu isn't the one who has been abused and crushed by the world, that's Mei. She doesn't understand the place of desperateness Mei was coming from by asking her to be the one who needs her. She can't fathom it yet, she wasn't given a chance to process what Mei just dumped on her.
Yuzu goes on to do everything she can to help Mei get close to her father again, but later during her love confession Yuzu specifically brings up how she hit Mei this day. Proving her devotion to Mei by helping her save her relationship with her father wasn't enough. She fought with Mei that day, she came to blows. And despite her actions helping Mei with her father, it's not closure for how she acted that day.
Yuzu comes to realize that if she really loves Mei she needs to have a better way to solve conflict than fighting, because Mei has had to fight with too many people. It's not wrong of Yuzu to reject Mei’s offer of sex, but it is wrong to hurt Mei when she doesn't even really understand Yuzu’s feelings because Yuzu didn't know how to tell her why what she did was wrong. Slapping Mei was a selfish act on Yuzu's part and being an emotionally intelligent person means doing better than that, Yuzu is still just learning and slapping Mei is a juvenile response not befitting her level of emotional intelligence.
After Yuzu manages to heal the divide between Mei and her father, we get their first real kiss, the only good kiss until Yuzu’s love confession. We get to see just how good it could be before it all goes wrong again.
Mei tells Yuzu how much better she feels now that she and her father can understand each other. She speaks with happiness, something we rarely see Mei do… Yuzu finds herself crying, knowing that Mei isn't hurting anymore, it's a sympathetic reaction. Yuzu hates for others to be hurting and it's not just her romantic interest in Mei that motivates her here, she really is good natured. She feels relieved like Mei must feel relieved, and so she cries in happiness.
Mei sees this, she doesn't quite understand why Yuzu would cry… that these are tears of healing, if not for Yuzu but instead for the feelings she herself must be having. Mei isn't that terrible of a person, she's sympathetic to Yuzu’s hurting healing in this moment and she instinctively wants to comfort her. To give Yuzu a safe space so she can let her emotions out. In this moment, their roles are reversed. One hand comfortingly placed over Yuzu's, their faces are close as Yuzu realizes Mei is caressing her face, wanting to soothe her tears and comfort her.
Their kiss is spontaneous but natural, they are emotionally connecting with each other. Mei’s fingers interlace with Yuzu’s as they do and the kiss lasts. It feels good instead of unnerving on some level for one or both of them, but we see a very different reaction to this revelation when they pull apart.
Yuzu reacts with wonder, she's never really kissed before, not where she was free to enjoy it. This is a brand new experience for her and she celebrates it, so this is what it's supposed to feel like. She sees so many positive possibilities from this moment.
Mei, on the other hand, is also surprised at how different it felt, how good, but you can see in her expression that she's also reeling from a conflict of emotions. She's scared of how vulnerable it makes her feel, how she lost her control in the moment, to have that pleasure make her yearn for something deeper than just kissing or sex. It scares her and you can see this look of worry in her eyes.
As usual, Mei will push Yuzu away, not ready for all of those emotions.
The Matsuri arc
Hey if you've stuck with me so far, thanks. I know it's a lot. Luckily I think we can get through the next few episodes quicker! That way we can get to the real story: Christmas and the love confession! Yay. Really, this whole middle part of this story is about rivals appearing, first a rival for Yuzu’s affection in Matsuri, and then for Mei’s affection in Sarah. We’ll touch on Yuzu’s lonely existence, the Christmas disaster, and hopefully get to the real story quicker.
Matsuri is, actually, a pretty believable character. She's not just a plot device, her desires are well defined and she reveals a lot about Yuzu, and she's not all bad when it's said and done. She's like both Mei and Yuzu in having a lifelong struggle with loneliness, and like Mei in the total neglect her parents showed her. So, she's gone down some bad paths as a totally unsupervised teenager. I actually kinda like her as a character.
She is of course a rival to Mei for Yuzu's affection, and she appears just as Mei is pushing Yuzu away again. That kiss we saw between them was so promising it can be hard to understand why Mei isn't just Yuzu’s girlfriend from then on, but remember that worried look Mei had after they kissed. It's too much too fast for her so she backs Yuzu off. We get Yuzu’s adorable daydream where a half naked Mei tells her she's in love with her- yeah, Yuzu really wants to hear those words, she's a romantic. And then after she wakes up, moments later Mei tells her to get lost- Mei feels she needs to refocus on those things that were always most important to her like her grades and managing the academy, and she gives Yuzu a sad look when she tells her that she might get held back because of her bad grades.
Basically, Mei is a liar- she wants to be in school with Yuzu, and to help her as her girlfriend with her homework. Instead of telling Yuzu this she hits her with the “we're sisters. Consider that our last kiss.” She's not ready for a real relationship, she's still processing. Yuzu is thrown for a loop, and then a rival appears- Marsuri.
We get a lot of inflammatory stuff as Matsuri takes to things like a wrecking ball, including blackmailing Mei into a situation where she might be sexually assaulted again, but we’ll talk about that with Christmas.
What Matsuri really is in need of is some actual fucking human connection, hence Mei's later line to Yuzu when she becomes concerned “Go out with her, she wants to see you. That girl needs you, so you shouldn't let her down”.
Circling all the way back to the day Matsuri shows up in the story; Mei feels dejected after coming home late to find Yuzu still out partying, the house dark and empty. She was planning to compliment Yuzu on her improved grades. I think Mei even planned to flirt with her and crack the door again to maybe more than sisters, yet Yuzu isn't there. It gives her reason to doubt those feelings, and then out on the street she sees Matsuri forcing a kiss on Yuzu and gets jealous instead, leading to her hugging Yuzu from behind in a sexy way and saying “This is normal for sisters, right?” After all, Yuzu calls Matsuri “like a sister” and they were kissing.
We get two pivotal scenes I’d like to talk about before we get to Christmas. One is the flashback we're given about Yuzu befriending Matsuri as a kid, because it gives us a crucial understanding of Yuzu that may not have been obvious. Yuzu has a good mom but she's a single parent that works all of the time, so Yuzu mostly grew up alone. Kinda like Matsuri, making them natural friends. Kinda like Mei. Yuzu has been very lonely most of her life, despite being extroverted she hasn't developed a lot of meaningful relationships. That's a lot like Mei. As it turns out, they both have extreme loneliness in common. It's part of why Yuzu likes Mei as a person- they share this trait, they're both looking for a deeper connection, a real family so to speak. To her, it's obvious they should get together.
Which is our second discussion: as Yuzu shops for Christmas, her best friend Harumin tells her “With all those domestic skills, you'll make a great wife one day" and we see Yuzu take a long inward pause as she considers it. She really, really wants to make a home for Mei. She wants to be a wife, she wants to take care of her partner. Caring for others is what gives Yuzu life. Yuzu wants to have her own family and that family is Mei. She wants to live together with Mei as wives. Mei can be the head of the academy and she’ll be her wife and that all sounds hunky dorey to Yuzu. Yuzu is filled with wifely love at the idea of cultivating this home with Mei.
Briefly covering what goes down with Matsuri, we get to see Mei wield the weapon of sexual violence again when she forces the kiss on Matsuri. She really believes in it, but it doesn't quite work on Matsuri, does it?
This gives us a hint about Mei's experience: she's very sensitive and what her abuser did really hurt her. Given Matsuri and Yuzu's reactions, it's not quite the weapon she thinks it is. Mei is more sensitive than most when it comes to touching, something Matsuri also exploits against her.
Then we have Yuzu sorting out what really happened in no time flat. The second Matsuri reveals her manipulation of putting Mei in danger of sexual assault again, Yuzu comes back at Matsuri saying: "We have to apologize- to the one person who really is thinking about your feelings.” Mei knew Matsuri was desperate like she is and sent Yuzu away, leading to Mei nearly being prostituted. But Yuzu doesn't dwell on her anger towards Matsuri- she immediately heals the situation by making Matsuri apologize to Mei, it's what will make the situation better. And as she does this, Matsuri is pulled along in Yuzu's wake, now seeing how small and pathetic her actions were.
Once things are resolved with Matsuri and they're all headed home on the train we get Mei saying the nicest things about Yuzu. She says “I was always so desperate to be loved”... “but I kept my heart locked up tight and pushed everyone away when they tried to get close. Before I knew it, I was left feeling empty. But, there are certain pushy people in this world who will love you no matter how much you protest. And if we're lucky enough to meet one of them, then even we can end up happy.”
It's a great idea, and it's the true motivation thesis of Mei's actions. She's not evil, she's just scared, and as Yuzu fixes her life, she wants to change, so she can be happy and make Yuzu happy, too. Of course Yuzu is adorably out cold during the best compliment she's ever been given.
Nobody sums up Yuzu's altruistic nature better than Mei does. Even after everything that goes wrong, Yuzu can see Mei’s pain underneath her worst actions and she never gives up on her. Mei had expected her to give up- everyone in her life either abandoned er or only saw her from their own selfish desires, so Mei stopped really believing in love or generosity.
In this moment, exhausted from a day of nearly being forced into sex with a stranger, only to have Yuzu showers her with love, exhausted like she often is, Mei’s walls come down so she can speak truth without her own hurt clouding her. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy for her to let Yuzu in, even after all Yuzu has done. We see that later on Christmas night.
The Christmas Armageddon- why does Mei push Yuzu away again?
Matsuri isn't all bad, she says pivotal things first to Mei, and then to Yuzu about their relationship. As Mei eats the cake Yuzu made for her, Yuzu collapses into her arms, crying for her and telling her to never put herself in harms way like she did again, because “if you get hurt it's going to hurt me and our mom a hundred thousand times more”. She accepts Yuzu’s altruistic nature, that Yuzu’s fear for her wasn't just because she wants her romantically. Yuzu criticizes her for not being straightforward with her, and so Mei reflects on Matsuri’s parting wisdom as they were riding home together “Mei, you could stand to be a lot more direct."
So, tired like she often is, Mei decides to take the leap and try to trust Yuzu with her trauma. Also, notice how moments before she does Yuzu tells Mei to come to her with any problem she has, and in what Mei does next, she sees herself as doing just that, because she yearns for Yuzu desperately. She tells her she's about to be more direct, seductively approaches her. As Yuzu feels Mei’s heart through her boob which she put Yuzu’s hand on (oh boy hurray gay), her words “My heart is about to leap from my chest for you” is as close as Yuzu was going to be to a love confession, but her following words are even more important to set the tone of her actions.
Still with Yuzu’s hand on her boob she tells her “There are things inside me which would thrill you, and some that would terrify you. I need you to understand that much from the very start” is the informed consent on being an emotionally damaged person. She's telling Yuzu that she doesn't even really know her own trauma or when it will come up, but she's willing to dive into a full relationship with Yuzu while still not knowing her own chaos- she's going to freak out from time to time but she'll process those emotions as they come up.
After Yuzu pulls away, not feeling comfortable with the sudden interest from Mei she brings it home again “You forced your way in and helped me process these chaotic emotions I have (about her father and grandfather), so let's do what you want to do- I think I know what that is” is her laying out just how she feels about Yuzu as a person, she respects and admirers her. It seems like just blank seduction again, but Mei is really asking Yuzu for a specific thing: permission to be messy while being in a full relationship with her. Since Mei doesn't even really know the dark corners of her own mind where her traumatic memories hide, it's the best she can do.
Again, Mei wants to get Yuzu as close to her physically as she can, and to be useful to Yuzu as her lover. Also, I think Mei closing the deal with sex is the only way she feels she'll know she can trust Yuzu, after they do it she can curl up in her arms and feel safe.
So, is Yuzu wrong to reject Mei’s offer of sex? Again, of course not, but she is wrong to shut down emotionally like she does. When Mei tells her “yes” when she asks if it's ok to sleep with her, she can tell there's something off with the way Mei looks at her. After pulling back from nearly kissing her, Mei is waiting for Yuzu’s answer, her look is very serious. Mei is thinking “will she take this risk with me?” and she's holding herself back a bit to await the answer. If Yuzu says yes, great. They will spontaneously go all the way and Mei can feel like the sex closed the deal on them being together.
If Yuzu says no, that means Yuzu isn't willing to be in a relationship with someone as messed up as she is, she can't handle it. Again, it's informed consent. Yuzu doesn't quite grasp the magnitude of what Mei is asking her for, and when she says no, Mei slams the door to her heart she had offered to open to Yuzu, seemingly for good after she ghosts Yuzu all of January leading up to the school trip. Mei goes back to believing that Yuzu can never really understand someone that's been hurt like she has, and it’ll take Yuzu’s most open and vulnerable love confession to convince her otherwise.
For Yuzu, she rejects Mei out of her own reasonable romantic expectations, yet again. It's not the fairy tale ending she's read in her manga so she gets scared. There's no slow build, no romance in how Mei is suddenly asking her to sleep with her. Yuzu doesn't want sex without all of the other things, the little, tender moments. Without those shared joys, Yuzu is scared the relationship won't be strong enough to survive the bumps in the road.
Yuzu will reflect on this expectation, and how she isn't thinking about Mei's feelings and how she might not be available to be romantic in that moment because of her own hang ups. And how as the non traumatized one, she needs to make more space for Mei’s feelings. That's what being a good partner means for someone like her. Once again, The Christmas Armageddon is all about how they had different expectations, and weren't really understanding each other. Yuzu needs to think about Mei's feelings more if this is going to work, and how Mei feels too broken to do so back in kind.
Kyoto Sarah Arc 💋
Yuzu really knows she's in the doghouse when she wakes up the morning of the trip and Mei ghosted her so she’ll miss the train. A month has gone by and Yuzu hasn't been able to figure out why Mei has gone total Ice Queen on her. How Mei tried to tell her that she was broken inside but would try to be with her anyways. For Yuzu, she feels like she didn't even really do anything to be in the doghouse in the first place, if Mei was serious about being with her she should have had other chances, they could have done the slow build. Why did Mei shut down on her instead?
Yuzu is really smart, but it's not without some help from her friends that she's able to figure out how to get through to Mei. Sarah will later tell her that she and Mei are alike, they are both scared little girls trying to protect their hearts. Mei is scared that someone like Yuzu will never be able to understand her trauma, that she's too broken to ever be with anyone. So she shuts the doors to her heart to protect herself but I also believe to protect Yuzu from what she feels is a lost cause- herself. Yuzu has to come to understand these things about Mei in order to be with her.
I've said Matsuri isn't a bad person, and she really comes to Yuzu’s rescue with one of the best lines in the series “If you want to be with someone, then you have to consider their feelings”. It's not that Yuzu’s expectations of romance are wrong, it's that she places those expectations on Mei that's wrong, because Mei isn't her. Yuzu is totally in love with Mei, she wants to be with her. What does being with Mei look like when Mei has emotional damage? How does making it work with Mei go, if Yuzu isn't scared and trying to ‘protect her own heart’?
Yuzu comes to realize that to have Mei she's got to set her expectations aside and accept whatever comes next because Mei believes she's too broken to be with her. Those feelings of brokenness prevent Mei from having the same romantic dream as Yuzu. She has to understand Mei’s feelings as well as say her own feelings to Mei in a way that Mei can understand them. Nothing less than her most vulnerable love confession will do this, that's what it's going to take for Mei to understand that Yuzu sees how scared she is and is still choosing to be with her.
Now, we of course get a rival for Mei’s affections, but it's not that serious. I like Sarah. I think she's fun, I really do. And I think that she's a plot device is a bit too obvious. But we do need her to be in the story for Mei’s most important line leading up to the confession: “Tell me whether or not you need me.”
This line echoes Mei's earlier lines and has everything to do with Mei’s feelings that she's too broken to be loved. She wants someone to tell her that she's useful for a purpose, that's something she knows she can believe in. Her whole life before meeting Yuzu was how she felt she had to be the heir because that's what she believed having purpose looked like. But love is not so simple as being needed for a job you can fill, yet Yuzu will know to say those exact words,“I need you” to Mei during her confession.
I realize Mei’s behavior in ep10-12 can be hard to understand, Yuzu says it outright “Maybe she really is done with me”. But rest assured the whole time Mei is hoping against all odds that she can be with Yuzu, she just doesn't see how her wish can come true. Yuzu is what she wants, she just doesn't feel good enough about herself to be with her. How do we know this? We can look at Mei’s bear, her external representation of her feelings.
This bear is so important in the anime that it appears during their confession kiss scene, and it appears here a couple more revealing times. The first is when Mei goes to the relationship shrine, she secludes herself as best she can to ask for guidance on how to be with Yuzu. She holds her bear in the crook of her fingers while she prays for guidance. Mei is very much thinking about Yuzu, but she’s stuck on what she can do to make things better after ruining it all yet again.
The second time is when she's getting ready for bed, she has tucked her bear into a little futon she has for him. This is mostly just a soft moment for us, but I think it's important because I believe what we’re being shown is Mei doing self care.
She doesn't know what to do with her life or how to be with Yuzu, but she can make her bear’s life a little better, so she does. She's taking a moment to show the representation of her innermost self some comfort. When she feels so far away from Yuzu emotionally, she comforts herself by taking care of the bear Yuzu put back together for her. Like her soul- Yuzu has helped her put back together her inner self, by confronting her abuser, rescuing from her grandfather's home, and reuniting her with her dad. Being with Yuzu is absolutely all that's on Mei’s mind.
Before we really get to the kiss, let's dwell a bit on Yuzu's emotional journey of letting go of her romantic expectations and confusion over sisterly love. Yuzu recognizes in Mei that she needs love and support aside from Yuzu’s self interest of pursuing her romantically, so Yuzu at first approaches Mei outside the hotel offering that. Mei counters her “Tell me how you really feel about me.” And Yuzu chokes, she wasn't expecting Mei to confront her on why she actually cares so much, and Mei is being frigid and stoic as she does. Yuzu is so scared of Mei’s scorn that she doesn't see how Mei is asking for her true feelings, like we see her confess during their kiss.
That Yuzu has been in the doghouse the last month, not really knowing why, has her on edge such that Mei's guarded response throws her. But, as I mentioned above, Yuzu didn't see how Mei opened herself up to Yuzu that night about her trauma and how hard being in a relationship would be, but that she would do it. Largely, Yuzu misses these cues because of her own romantic expectations blocking her from seeing Mei’s emotions.
It's so bad that Matsuri, the person who told her to think about Mei's feelings, nearly calls Yuzu to ask if she's gotten Mei to be her girlfriend yet. But the whole time episodes 10-12 are going on we’re hearing Yuzu process her romantic expectations against Mei’s needs. Shes intuitive and smart like few people are about emotions, and knowing this Matsuri elects to not call her. “She’ll figure it out, this is Yuzu we’re talking about.”
We get a couple more meetings of the lovers along the way, such as in Mei’s hotel room hiding under the covers. At this point in the story Yuzu has recognized that she’s in love with Mei and that being with her is worth it, but hasn't found the words yet. Nestled together under the covers to hide from Momo, Yuzu first hugs Mei, like she always does, wanting that closeness.
Mei reacts to it, she's very vulnerable having Yuzu so close. These are the kinds of hugs Mei needs to really heal her emotions- to melt into Yuzu's embrace. Yet Mei isn't sure Yuzu can handle being her girlfriend. Seeing Mei fighting against this, of hugging or crying or melting into her sexually (Mei wants all of the above) Yuzu decides that maybe she can convince Mei sexually, she kisses her neck, Mei pushes her away. Again, not what Mei really wants in that moment.
She's not feeling at all safe with Yuzu, she doesn't feel like she can trust her with her desires and her traumas all at once, so Yuzu trying to seduce her through her sexual yearning is a violation of her personal space and her wants. Yuzu still isn't understanding what Mei needs, after a little fight she's kicked to the curb yet again, which sets her up for her confession.
The Kiss- Yuzu gets what she wants, after making sure Mei gets what she needs, that is.
How adorable is this whole sequence, neh? From Mei running away from Yuzu trying to talk to her, too scared to let herself have romantic feelings after constantly messing everything up. To Yuzu’s telling her that she doesn't understand her, her chaos, how she desires her one second, then pushes her away, then gets all clingy and fragile. To Yuzu trying to jump the steps to catch up to Mei, and Mei having to break her fall for her. To the bear, Mei being too emotionally fragile to act on her feelings in that moment. To Yuzu telling her she wants a kiss from Mei. It's one of the most emotionally raw moments in media you can find.
Every bit of Yuzu's emotional intelligence and journey through her own emotions to understand what Mei wants, needs, to be with her is on display during this sequence. Having finally pinned Mei down in the gayest way possible, Yuzu starts by bringing up how she failed to think about Mei’s feelings on Christmas, and then goes on to say how realizes that when she struck Mei on the night of her fathers return she was wrong to fight with her- because as her lover she needs to be the one person Mei doesn't have to fight with. As an abuse survivor, Mei has been fighting nonstop for the last 5 plus years, and Yuzu must never be a source of violence like that.
Then she tells her she's in love with her, and that she’ll always need her. Mei didn't need to ask to find out if it was true, Yuzu was able to figure out that Mei was worrying about it with her raw emotional intelligence.
But nothing compares to how earnestly Yuzu confesses her love, and then closes her eyes to wait to see if Mei feels the same way by kissing her. Once she’s awaiting Mei’s answer, there is no fear in Yuzu as she does, she's found total peace. Before, Yuzu was afraid to be with Mei and have it not go well, to have it end with her getting her heart broken, and Mei could sense that fear.
But there's no fear now as she straddles Mei with her eyes closed, softening her face and lips and waiting to be kissed. If Mei rejects her, she’ll accept it with dignity. If Mei kisses her, that's ok too. Yuzu has let go of all of her expectations so Mei is free to choose without having to feel pressured about hurting Yuzu’s feelings if she feels she has to confirm Yuzu’s worst fears and reject her.
Yuzu's peacefulness allows Mei the chance to consider her answer without freaking out. A long time passes, and we see on Mei’s face that the answer is yes- she's in love with Yuzu, too. But she gets scared when she tries to reach for Yuzu to kiss her, love is too vulnerable. She looks for a way, all as Yuzu patiently waits, to tell her yes but that she needs to take it slow and not just dive in all at once.
So she uses her bear, the representation of her innermost self, that which Yuzu fixed for her, to kiss her. It's a really cute moment, and as Yuzu looks at Mei’s blushing shyness past the bear at her lips, she gets that Mei is saying yes while also asking for time. But, the answer is yes. Mei wants her, in the romantic way she wants her to, but is scared.
And Yuzu thinks that's okay. But Yuzu knows she deserves a kiss after all her hard work, so she reaches for Mei who is too shy to do it “Thanks, but I want one from you”. Yuzu kisses her with love and thanks and desire, and Mei kisses back with relief and desire but she's still scared and you can see the pain from that. But their kiss lasts a long time as Mei melts into it. It was okay for Yuzu to ask for what she wants here, Mei loved that kiss.
That fear is something Mei will work on now that she's with Yuzu. As they walk back to the station to meet Sarah, Yuzu looks satisfied and content with her world, while Mei looks anxious about the path ahead of her and learning to be with Yuzu romantically.
Conclusion
And that's all, right? Easy peasy…
Well no. Citrus isn't a complete story, and Mei's journey of becoming better has just begun. I'm not sure she's even gotten there in the manga, certainly not the anime. Which is ok.
But make no mistake that the author deliberately chose Mei as a character to tell a story about a traumatized person with PTSD getting a chance to be better, and Yuzu is the charming means to tell that story. She's the best bean, the most heartwarming and sweet character that wins all of our hearts over. She's genius level when it comes to reading other's emotions, and we should all be so lucky to know a Yuzu in our lives, but few will ever be so fortunate.
Think of how lucky every friend Yuzu has is to know her- Matsuri, Sara, Harumin, she makes everything better. Mei is just the most notable case of receiving Yuzu's love. And boy does she need it.
Mei has a ways to go yet, but I think one example of her being considerate of Yuzu's feelings is how she refuses to say she loves Yuzu back after Yuzu asks her to, instead saying that they're dating. You might be thinking that was a big letdown! Instead, think of how carefully Mei is treating their relationship.
Mei knows she loves Yuzu back but she's not going to say it if she can't be totally genuine when she's a mess of emotions at the moment. Sara telling her to hold Yuzu's hand was already a big step she felt, but I think she shows even greater maturity and growth with her immediate acceptance when Yuzu's ask that they kiss again, because it's my favorite kiss. The confession kiss was great but Mei is still afraid then, so it was a bit painful to watch. But when they kiss again, she's doing it with no fear, she's in the moment. They both relaxed and enjoyed it.
It's probably not that simple, Mei is still holding back in all their later interactions but she was able to kiss Yuzu like she was her girlfriend then without all the PTSD getting in the way. It's a big start in the right direction, and things will continue getting better.
In a lot of ways Mei is deep down a good person, I really think that, however she is a Japanese woman and that does make her flawed. She doesn't like big displays of affection and she doesn't like showing affection in public- which is very Japanese, and also very reasonable. But she does want to be in love and do that stuff with Yuzu. Luckily she shows that in their final moments together.
The school trip is over and it's back to school, and as she's walking with Yuzu, Yuzu asks to hold her hand. Which at first she rejects, because see above. Yet she thinks better of it and takes Yuzu's hand after all. Which is a huge display of public affection, she's announcing it to the whole school.
But as we're shown in those moments Mei looks strengthened by it. You can see on her face how hard her job is, every second is work as the heir and president of the school, yet Mei feels more steadfast doing it with Yuzu as her girlfriend. She knows she's stronger with Yuzu by her side, it's a subtle expression but it's there- Yuzu gives her strength, and she's ready to show that to the whole world.
If you liked this post, please help with a 💞 reblogg 💞 if you can, let's make the world a little better together!! The world needs good vibes maybe more now than ever, so let's spread it around! Thank you lots.
I promise more to come on this lovely show, and as always, let me know if you have questions in the comments and the asks!
-EtheriaDearie
[Postscript]
Still, the question may be why I wrote this several years after the show. I told a mutual that I was interested in the show and she proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions hoping I could help her understand Mei better. She said I was very helpful and so I decided to go ahead and write this. So dear mutual, when you read this, Heeeey! Hope you're having a lovely day. 🤗😁
Hello, longtime She-ra meta writer here. Which is why you're probably wondering, why the sudden interest in Citrus? Well-!!!
Citrus, like She-ra, is one of the few animated shows to directly take being a childhood abuse survivor. And like She-ra, it's carefully drawn to show the emotions the characters experience. And last, like She-ra, it's constantly misinterpreted and often accused of romanticizing abuse, which it doesn't! But all of this means it's a great series that could use a deeper look. Stick with me for this tell-all as we go through the evidence and I promise to dispel many of the toxic myths about this relatively brilliant anime!
So, what's Citrus-? 🧸
Citrus is a widely available wlw saphhic love story between a very abused woman (Mei) and a highly empathetic woman (Yuzu) who is in love with Mei and wishes to help her.
Mei is a very hurtful person, including towards Yuzu, she constantly acts out her trauma, and ruins any chance of romance. Our protagonists story, Yuzu, is about emotional intelligence and empathy. We get to follow along in Yuzu's head as she goes through a series of adorable gay panics as she tries to figure Mei out.
Yuzu does this out of her own free will, generously, because she wants to, and the intelligence we’re shown as she does this is what makes this story so important to people who have been hurt like Mei has. For people like us, it gives hope that people really are out there who can understand us, and will choose to love us past the trauma that controls us.
And how would someone do that? They'd do it like Yuzu does with Mei- in Citrus!
::TW: abuse, sexual abuse, childhood neglect, etc etc
For Mei, seeing that Yuzu does this makes it an important story about belief and healing. Mei doesn't believe such love can be real, having been a neglected child and subjected to sexual abuse while having heavy responsibility forced on her as only a child. The story is really about how Yuzu uses her own personal strength and love to help someone like Mei who was forced into a position where she became emotionally damaged- we get to see what it looks like for someone who has a lot of love to give help us. It's also a really cute show full of tons of fun and cute moments!!
The story has many exciting twists and turns, from Mei's initial violence towards Yuzu in response to Yuzu making light of how her abuser was hurting her, to her continued lashing out to resist Yuzu’s attempts at loving her, to Yuzu's inward battle against her preconceptions of what romance is and deciding to be with Mei because she's in love with her, as flawed as Mei may be. Jealous rivals interject and much drama occurs, before a very heartwarming conclusion that is hard fought.
So, here's a few major questions we will be answering:
Why does Yuzu fall so deeply in love with Mei early on, when Mei behaves abusively towards her?
What is the significance of Mei's torn teddy bear, which Yuzu heals for her and which prominently appears during the climax of the series as Mei accepts Yuzu's love?
What is “sisterly love”, and why does Yuzu constantly fall back on it to try to explain her emotions of love towards Mei, only seeing past it to the true romantic love she means to say towards the end?
If you like this series, I hope to connect with you here ❤️
Please keep reading, we will mostly touch on the high points, such as when they fight or kiss, explaining the rest of the story in relation to these snares and successes in their relationship.
This means we will be talking about some very emotionally charged subjects: please be aware that we will be talking about sexual abuse, PTSD and abusiveness, about child neglect and its effects, and about lashing out as a misguided form of self protection due to being hurt. We will also be talking about the sexy feelings which both Mei and Yuzu have, so I hope that it will be a fun aside to discussions about abuse.
This is one of the best things about Citrus: we are given a wlw couple that are canon from the opening credits, the series is all about their romantic love and struggles with a brilliantly beautiful conclusion. When so many wlw anime shy away from allowing the characters to kiss, Citrus dives right in to give us a exciting and complicated story that's delivered well.
It's not all fun and games, just as life tends to be, Yuzu and Mei struggle against specters of violence that haunt our real life societies. Citrus is not bashful about confronting real issues, and yet their relationship is quite fun and rewarding aside from or maybe because of the realness we’re shown.
A couple notes: I am reviewing the English dub of Citrus, it is very well done, but from what I can tell only varies slightly from the Japanese sub. I haven't had the luxury of reading the whole manga yet but have a basic understanding of its differences, however I will treat the anime as stand alone, with their future being wives.
Lastly, like She-ra, we’ll be using the emotions we see on Mei and Yuzu’s faces alongside their dialogue to know what they're thinking throughout the series. I can't show every frame my analysis is based on, but please do refer to the pictures I can provide, and watch the scenes yourselves! If there's something I didn't answer, let me know and I will address it!!
Fight #1: the incredibly abusive kiss Mei forced on Yuzu that we all need to talk about.
That this scene is the first “intimate” interaction between the two of them threw me for a loop. I had to stop and check that A.) the series is written by a woman (it is) and B.) Mei isn't a sadist (she not, phew) before continuing. The scene is scary, Yuzu’s distress is graphically shown. So what really happens? Why does Mei attack her? And how come Yuzu responds by looking to help Mei, rather than shutting down due to the trauma of what was done to her? Let's discuss, and we’ll cover the rest of ep1 as we do.
:: Yuzu is already feeling pretty salty when they enter the bedroom. What Mei did to her at school, basically groping her under the guise of confiscating her phone, was wrong. Seriously, if anything like this happens to you, even if you think the other person did it because they're hurt, even if you think it was hot and is awakening new gay feelings™️ in you, make sure you atleast have a support network that's aware of what's going on. And yes, it does raise curious feelings in Yuzu, that she might like a woman touching her, but it was still wrong.
Back to the bedroom, Yuzu starts by making an attempt to be civil even though she's suspicious. That Mei gives her the cold shoulder, hiding the all important bear from her, refusing to speak to her, makes Yuzu jump to the conclusion that Mei is a ‘mean girl’. That she gets off on it.
Not actually the case. Again, Yuzu jumped to that conclusion without thinking, which is beneath her as an empathy genius. So, she gets snide, she needles Mei about what she saw her doing with their teacher. It's very “popular girl mean talk” which is what's so throwing about Yuzu at first: she gives off some of those vibes. Concerned with looks, consumer fashion and makeup, she wants to be rich. But those are not the core of Yuzu, it's just what she expects Highschool life to be. What she really is is a highly intelligent and empathetic person. Her behavior here is wrong.
The snide way Yuzu is talking to Mei about the abuse Mei just suffered is what's so upsetting to Mei, and then when she suggests that “I totally get it. You make out with him in the open because knowing you might get caught makes it even hotter. Now if you ask me, I bet that kiss was your first. So what was it like, anyway? I always pictured it to be really magical- ” (etc.) when in fact Mei was having a traumatic experience, is what causes her to attack Yuzu.
That's where Mei’s violence comes from as she attacks Yuzu. Yuzu hasn't figured out yet that the expression she was seeing on Mei’s face as her abuser kissed her was that of intense physical and emotional pain, she was trying to dissociate while trapped in agony. And Yuzu is making light of that pain, something she has no experience with. And as she does, she's making Mei relive the pain she's so desperate to disassociate from all over again, which makes her desperate to get Yuzu to stop talking because it's hurting her.
So, she does what her abuser has done to her time and time again, which shut down her ability to fight back against him by overwhelming her, to stop Yuzu and so she will know what it's like to be powerless and in pain. She does to Yuzu what has been done to her. Afterwards as she stands up, she angrily tells Yuzu “It felt like THAT. Magical enough for you?”
As she does, we’re shown her face in black shadow. But this is for suspense- Yuzu was able to see the sadness and pain on Mei's face that she has been carrying day and day again as the man who she was betrothed to for financial gain has had free license to abuse her.
What could Yuzu possibly know about her pain, she's saying. And as traumatic as what she does to Yuzu, we see that Yuzu doesn't totally shut down. Not like Mei had to do to dissociate and survive the abuse, no Yuzu's senses are wide open. She's looking for the reason Mei attacked her, sensing her anguish, and she will go on to find its source so she can help her.
This is not the reaction of someone who is in dissociation due to trauma, Yuzu took the hit and kept processing. If anything, what Mei does to her sharpens Yuzu’s senses, not the opposite- even while Yuzu is struggling against shutting down from the violation of it. Being attacked was horrifying, and what Mei was very upsetting. Yet it's the first time Yuzu has encountered trauma in another person, she's trying to understand it, and her empathy towards Mei is what's in control.
That about sums it up, Yuzu has begun her struggle with her new realization that she's gay and attracted to Mei, but that's not as important as how she goes on to call out Mei’s abuser and get him fired, the engagement rescinded as well. And it really really helps Mei, she's never seen anyone come to her aid.
Which sets up our second fight- at Grandpa’s house.
After Yuzu’s calling out Mei’s abuser in front of the school to get him fired, Mei is forced to return to her grandfather's house, which she obeys out of duty. And Yuzu has a notion of this, which Mei teases her about “Are you going to save me from my mean old grandfather?” Mei seldom smiles but she does here, Yuzu’s care for her tickles her heartstrings. But it must be fake, others helping her and love is a lie in Mei’s experience. But Yuzu comes to see her at the mansion anyway.
In the bedroom at her grandfather's house, Yuzu tries to cut past the bullshit, imploring Mei to leave while listing out how she sees that Mei works hard for the school yet gets hurt for it. She doesn't understand how powerless Mei has really been, that duty and honor controlled her and made her go along with the engagement her grandfather so coldly made for her. That she put up with the abuse out of duty. So Mei flies at Yuzu in a rage, who speaks like she knows how difficult it is when she does not.
Mei is in full trauma flashback as she does, all of the powerlessness she had of knowing her abuser could attack her whenever he wanted and that she had to put up with it for the family wells up all at once. She's no longer really seeing what's in front of her, she's just repeating what was done to her to Yuzu, who's doing her best to fight back. But as she attacks Yuzu and Yuzu thinks she's about to be traumatized, all of Mei’s hurt and anguish pours down on Yuzu as tears of sadness. Yuzu’s eyes flare with understanding as she feels their warmth on her skin. She manages to hold Mei’s arms at bay and pull her close “I'm here, I'm right here!”.
Yuzu's response to Mei’s attacking her out of pain is to hug her close, something we’ll see time and time again. This is an empathetically intelligent choice Yuzu makes because she really is that exceptional of a person, she’ll help Mei even if it's hard. Just like that, this stops Mei- she's no longer in a traumatic flashback. Yuzu hugging her is such a new experience that Mei is lost on how to respond, she's not used to receiving empathy.
This healing would have gone further but their grandfather interrupts them and blames it all on Yuzu who's partially underdressed from Mei attacking her. Which sucks for them both, but Yuzu’s hugging Mei starts Mei thinking that Yuzu might actually get her, even though Yuzu has no idea what it is to be abused like she has, Yuzu at some subconscious level can tell what Mei is feeling, and hugged her in response…
Sisterly Love, and what that's really about
This begins a long period of reflection for Yuzu and her relationship to Mei. She went to the manor to help Mei, but was forced from the room by an enraged grandfather as Mei sat despondent on the bed. Why does she end up hurting Mei instead of helping her? It's not that she did, Mei needed exactly what Yuzu offered, the hug she gave her. And Yuzu realizes she's in love for the first time.
But that's where sisterly love comes in, because we immediately hear Yuzu fall back on this concept to try to explain her love. This is because it's an odd sort of love, so far. Yuzu feels an intense desire to comfort and protect Mei. She feels this way because of her romantic feelings, but so far that's still not clear to her. She thinks it might be a sisterly thing.
This kind of care, protectiveness is often depicted in anime, of the older sister’s love for their younger siblings. This is a natural kind of love, a familial love- so it confuses Yuzu because this kind of love is not intrinsically a kind of romantic love. But it can be, as romantic love IS a kind of familial love because lovers become found family. She knows Mei has been in a desperate place and that she needs her support, like an older sister (which she now technically is) would provide.
Yuzu also considers that maybe because of Mei's desperate situation, that's what she should be focusing on, how her empathy can support Mei getting past being hurt. She's not wrong to think this, but Yuzu doesn't understand that her protective feelings come from her romantic interest yet, so it fries her circuits. She wants to be good to Mei but can't separate her protective instinct from romantic desire, she will struggle with this right up until the end and during her love confession.
What Yuzu can't see yet is that her protectiveness towards Mei isn't sisterly love, it's wifely love.
Yuzu and Mei get their chance to get closer when their grandfather becomes ill. Yuzu finding him as such when she was about to confront him about her expulsion brings them together as a family, and he will have to accept her as a granddaughter. And it helps Mei to accept Yuzu's generous nature as genuine. She decides to go back to living with Yuzu's mother and her, irregardless of Yuzu’s telling her to choose her own happiness. Yuzu's happy hug at the hospital catches Mei by surprise but she doesn't fight it.
I also like that Mei's grandfather tells Mei to live her own life, make her own choices knowing full well that Mei may have gay feelings for Yuzu. He was initially homophobic seeming, but at least in the anime, he’s able to recognize what Mei wants and separate that from the flawed expectations he put on her that have hurt her so much. In this timeline, it makes me think Mei is going to be ok, although I think this story may differ slightly from the manga.
So she gets his blessing to live in Yuzu's home. Mei is making a choice to accept her and Yuzu's mother as family, when she gets home she's further taken aback by Yuzu's mother's genuine hug and happiness to have her back. She wants to accept that maybe this isn't fake after all. She even lets Yuzu fix her bear- at first, she is of course affronted, telling Yuzu not to touch her stuff. But, her bear was something she couldn't fix on her own. She's thankful to Yuzu even if she can't say it out loud.
Mei, the paragon of adult responsibility in a teenager, lacked the ability and executive function to sow her bear back together properly, and Yuzu is welcoming her home by doing a superb job of it. Mei hid the bear from Yuzu- it is the one good memory she still has of her father before he left her.
What this bear represents is her innermost self, and her vulnerability that she hides from others. The one considerate gift her father ever gave her had become broken and frayed over time, like she has from abuse, and she couldn't find within herself to fix it as the burdens of her life crushed down on her. Mei hasn't been well since, and that's why the bear got more broken over time. It is a reflection of her inner state. And for Yuzu to come along and fix it, like Yuzu did getting her abuser fired, as well as giving her a new family where her feelings are considered and she gets support, is symbolic. Mei is incredulous that it can be real yet she goes with it.
We will see Mei's bear many times at important junctures, such as Yuzu's love confession, as the representation of her innermost wants. When it came to fixing the bear, it had to be Yuzu because she's the person who ruses to stop loving Mei. But that doesn't mean that Mei won't mess things up constantly, believing such love cannot be real for someone like her.
…So they end up fighting again.
To which Mei will openly admit how terrible she is for pushing Yuzu away, which is important to consider when judging her actions.
After their mother gets them a bed to sleep in, Yuzu is understandably unable to separate her romantic and sexual attraction from her intentions to be good to Mei. They're sleeping in the same bed, for fuck’s sake, their transition to being wives is even more real! But Mei stiff arms Yuzu’s wanting to make out with her, instead choosing to sleep on the floor. Yuzu doesn't get it, instead asking Mei why she would kiss her if she didn't like her.
Mei tells Yuzu she was talking rudely and that she did it to shut her up- Mei actually tells Yuzu outright that she uses sexual assault as a weapon to stop people from hurting her. And yeah, Yuzu was hurting her by bringing up the abusive moment she witnessed, which Mei needs to dissociate from, in a hurtful way by suggesting that Mei was enjoying it when she was actually in incredible pain.
And that's really cruel of Mei. She fights like her abuser taught her to, by violating someone's safety and feelings so much that they shut down, and so Yuzu had to go through that. Yet, as bad as what Mei did was, Yuzu didn't shut down, she tried to understand. Mei then tells Yuzu that she's not romantically interested in her and only did it to stop her, and so Yuzu tells her “I see. That you're terrible.”
Mei solemnly agrees “It would seem so.” She can't help lashing out in defense and she openly acknowledges her own horribleness, all of its true. She's no good as the target of another’s affections.
But it's a lie that she's not interested in Yuzu. She's never been so attracted to anyone in her life. But she's scared to let her get too close, so she acts mean instead. Mei knows she's terrible, and for one part she's trying to scare Yuzu away. She's telling Yuzu: why get involved with someone who's so hurt?
The next sequence is dominated by Yuzu’s pushing Mei down and kissing her, as well as other affronts to Mei’s personal space such as with Momo. It all leaves Mei ragged at the edges, and she gets sick because of it.
You might be thinking, it's only fair since Mei did it to Yuzu first, but remember that Yuzu isn't the one who was attacked repeatedly by an abuser with total power to do so. So, it really is wrong of Yuzu to do it. This also leads to a jealous spiral with Momo, who further assaults Mei, trying to seduce her into being her girlfriend. In both cases Mei’s dismay goes unconsidered, and as an abuse survivor it is a blow to Mei's confidence in others.
Now, it's not like Yuzu pushing Mei down is unexpected, she's an inexperienced teenager after all. She really doesn't know anything about love (her words). She went to Mei's office thinking they were going to patch things up, but instead Mei tries to talk down to her for reading naughty manga. Yuzu’s “This is all your fault Mei, for kissing me” is fair, Yuzu hates Mei’s double standards. She put the moves on her in the shower, after all. What's Yuzu supposed to think, that Mei isn't interested? She clearly is. But it still sucks that Yuzu gets so caught up in her own feelings that she takes Mei's autonomy away by forcing her down and kissing her. It's true, it's not all bad, after Yuzu flees, Mei's fingers linger on her lips where Yuzu kissed her, feeling how different that it is when someone she’s actually attracted to kisses her assertively.
Not knowing what to do with herself afterwards, Yuzu retreats to Harumin’s house so she won't have to face Mei at home. Yuzu recognizes that she hurt Mei again, and wants to apologize but can't find the words to do it. Yuzu meets with Himeko who wants to know what went down in the office between them which grants her a bit more insight about Mei: her father left her and the family years ago, and Mei changed for the worse after, taking on the family burden and seeming to suffer while distancing Himeko’s friendship.
Himeko tries to beat up on Yuzu for hurting Mei's feelings but as usual Yuzu sees past the bullshit and walks out instead. She then happens upon Mei on the street, who asks why she hasn't been coming home at night. Yuzu tries to indicate that she can't be there because of Mei, she knows she was bad.
Yet Mei seemingly forgives her- we were shown scenes of Mei looking lonely in the bedroom without Yuzu there- and then for the first time Mei uses Yuzu’s name “Why not? It's where you live, right, Yuzu?” Yuzu has a happy reaction to this- almost “Hey, Adora” esque- and it convinces Yuzu that it's ok to come home. Yuzu obligues. Himeko, witnessing this conversation, finds out they're stepsisters, and living together, thus jumpstarting her jealous attempt at seducing Mei.
That tantalizing and almost healthy kiss
Before we get to that, we need to talk about the best kiss they have up to that point. Yuzu is finally home and crashes on the bed, only to find out Mei snuck under the covers next to her. So now Yuzu is freaking out because technically they're in bed together, apparently Mei isn't planning on sleeping separately.
Seeing Yuzu’s distress, Mei knows she must answer Yuzu's confusion. Yuzu openly shows shame as she faces her, she's about to apologize for forcing the kiss on her when to her surprise Mei brings it up instead. Mei’s words about what happened- don't apologize “Because I think may have pressured you into it as well” shows she doesn't blame Yuzu for getting upset and forgives her. Yet Yuzu apologizes anyways “I shouldn't have done anything without considering how you felt” is exactly right.
When Mei suggests they do something to have closure, Yuzu blushes all but saying she wants to kiss- after all Mei is in front of her and has indicated that she's forgiven. Still, it's surprising when Mei leans in to give her a simple, no nonsense kiss. Poor Yuzu is right to be confused- if that wasn't a make up kiss between two girlfriends she's blind! As soon as it's over, she's expected to go back to hands off- is she her girlfriend or is she not? Is Mei stringing her along? Yeah, but not for the obvious reasons- Mei is too insecure for a real relationship yet. But she IS betting on Yuzu.
We then have Momo’s assault, and as Mei’s oldest friend she's disappointed that Momo would try that on her. Himeko’s “I won't lose her to you” right before in regards to Yuzu is self involved and ignores Mei’s feelings entirely. Himeko goes on to learn to set aside her selfish desires since they keep Mei from being happy.
Now believing she's in competition with Himeko, Yuzu sees her taking Mei to her fathers grave as a chance to get ahead, and as a date. Of course it isn't a date unless both people agree that it is beforehand! Separated on the train, Yuzu fights over to Mei on the train and they end up smashed together tits to tits, and when Mei seems to react sexually to the closeness Yuzu takes liberties yet again, which is another violation of Mei's space. Even though Mei is most guilty of ignoring consent, as an abuse survivor it's important that people ask her for it, which Yuzu didn't do.
Yet later on, Mei yet again flirts with Yuzu at the crepe shop by eating the whip cream off her lips, Mei is one cool character as she does this deliberate tease. As much as she says otherwise, it's obvious she likes Yuzu, she wants Yuzu’s attention and so she does enough to keep her interested.
Yuzu and Mei get closer as family at her fathers grave when Mei realizes Yuzu is like her in how she has struggled with loneliness. She confesses to Yuzu that she's never read her father's letters because she doesn't know if she can ever feel like a daughter again after what he did. But as she does she realizes that she's fortunate that her father is alive, unlike Yuzu. Yuzu promises to help Mei find a way to help her reconnect with her dad. It's a huge relief, stressed out and tired Mei’s walls come down emotionally for Yuzu… and that's when the cold she's been fighting off catches up with her.
The day before, Mei skipped two meals in a row, she skipped dinner after Momo’s assaulting her, and lunch the next day when both Momo and Yuzu try to eat lunch with her, arguing in front of her. She banished both of them, both of them were not considering her feelings in how they've acted and it’s stressing her out, making her sick to her stomach, so again she didn't want to eat. Still, when Yuzu requested her presence for visiting her father, Mei went along.
All of this leads to her later collapse at school. It may have allied her to have an emotional breakthrough with Yuzu after she went to the grave, but she missed multiple meals out of stress, making her catch a cold which she tries to ignore because she believes she cannot to miss the board meeting later in the day. This is the thing with Mei: most of her emotional breakthroughs come when she's exhausted, that's when her walls come down and she acts sincerely.
But it also is what leads to her getting sick and collapsing, that's the other consequence of Momo and Yuzu having run her ragged. Collapsed on the ground because of her cold, she snaps at Momo, telling her she has no idea what real responsibility is- how much she's been carrying. Yuzu scolds her for this- maybe Momo doesn't understand her job and the demands put on her by the adults she has to please at the board meeting, but lashing out solves nothing. Yuzu will make her apologize for this- also, we don't hear anything bad come of it so Momo probably did fine filling in. Mei consistently believes she's more isolated than she actually is.
Fight 3: make no mistake, Mei’s father is still a bad parent.
An important thing to remember about Citrus is that it's not all as one sided as Mei hurting Yuzu, the opposite happens too, in fact Yuzu will bring up the night Mei's father returned as one of her biggest failures. When Mei’s father says he won't return to the academy, and Mei realizes that the burdens she accepted 5 years ago as a mere child really are hers to bear alone, we get the scene of Mei’s attempted seduction and Yuzu slapping her for it. It's a mistake about expectations each of them has and how they don't quite understand each other yet, like Sarah tells Yuzu to do later on.
As Yuzu reaches out for Mei while she's crying facing away from her, she wants to comfort her but doesn't really understand Mei's display of desperate emotion, so she hesitates. She can't fathom the depth of Mei’s pain and all she has bore that lead to it, she doesn't know firsthand what it was like for Mei to be abused by her fiancé in order to ensure the academy's future. Her “When are you going to stop trying to do everything alone” and shocked look when Mei turns to her, her eyes full of tears and betrayal, telling Yuzu she had no choice but to do it, shows how little she knows of Mei’s burden.
Still shocked by the look in Mei's eyes, Yuzu stammers as Mei reaches for her, and then Mei is suddenly kissing her, Yuzu's eyes remain wide as she is still trying to process what that look in Mei's eyes meant. Mei’s words were a glimpse into a world Yuzu has never seen and while she can get there on understanding it, there's no way she can deal with Mei’s sudden emotions, her expectations as she kisses her, the sadness Mei wants her to fill. Mei’s “you’ll be the one who needs me, won't you" is a desperate admission of her loneliness. Mei proceeds to attempt to seduce Yuzu, if Yuzu wants closeness then sex is closeness, right? If Mei can prove herself as a lover then Yuzu will want her, she will have purpose.
As she says “I’m lost, I need someone to accept these feelings”, Yuzu responds “... Oh, Mei” and we are shown a very deliberate shot of Yuzu hugging Mei to her. Mei is tragic and blowing past all restraints due to sadness and is trying to seduce Yuzu, and Yuzu accurately identifies loneliness as the real reason Mei is suddenly kissing her. So, Yuzu hugs her, wanting to give Mei a place to cry out her lonely emotions. So she can heal.
Once again, as Mei becomes tragic we see how intelligently Yuzu responds to it. What Yuzu offers her is real healing, but that's not really what Mei is expecting in this moment. Mei is dissociating from her true feelings, she's desperately seeking to secure some reason to think they're together and she sees sex as a way to secure closeness. Her emotions are way too raw to process gently in Yuzu’s arms, so to say.
Sex seems more tangible to her, once she knows she has Yuzu for sure maybe she can heal bit by bit in her arms, but she can't just cry it out, so to say. Her panic is telling her to get as close to Yuzu as quickly as she can, so she tries to prove herself. She's all bluster as she tells Yuzu that she's good at taking orders- Matsuri calling her a slut has no basis in reality. Mei is good at faking confidence though, and it is true that she will be careful to find how to please Yuzu best, in thanks for being with her. But Yuzu isn't having it.
Yuzu offered her this emotionally healing moment by hugging her, that's what real closeness is. And instead Mei is rushing forward with sex, and that's not real closeness. Yuzu may be a very sexual person but she wants romance, she has expectations of both. What she can't see yet is how desperate Mei is to secure their relationship by closing that distance physically. Both of them have very different expectations of what this moment should be- Mei’s is sex, Yuzu's is to hold Mei as she cries, to get closer, to have Mei tell her more of how she's been burdened so she can support her better.
And so, they fight. And this time, it's really Yuzu who starts a fight. She slaps Mei, telling her “Why can't you think of MY feelings for once?” Of how sex without real closeness isn't what she wants, of how Yuzu wants Mei to be romantic with her before they do that. Mei seducing her lacked all romance, Mei is terrible at being romantically present or seeing Yuzu's feelings. But Yuzu isn't the one who has been abused and crushed by the world, that's Mei. She doesn't understand the place of desperateness Mei was coming from by asking her to be the one who needs her. She can't fathom it yet, she wasn't given a chance to process what Mei just dumped on her.
Yuzu goes on to do everything she can to help Mei get close to her father again, but later during her love confession Yuzu specifically brings up how she hit Mei this day. Proving her devotion to Mei by helping her save her relationship with her father wasn't enough. She fought with Mei that day, she came to blows. And despite her actions helping Mei with her father, it's not closure for how she acted that day.
Yuzu comes to realize that if she really loves Mei she needs to have a better way to solve conflict than fighting, because Mei has had to fight with too many people. It's not wrong of Yuzu to reject Mei’s offer of sex, but it is wrong to hurt Mei when she doesn't even really understand Yuzu’s feelings because Yuzu didn't know how to tell her why what she did was wrong. Slapping Mei was a selfish act on Yuzu's part and being an emotionally intelligent person means doing better than that, Yuzu is still just learning and slapping Mei is a juvenile response not befitting her level of emotional intelligence.
After Yuzu manages to heal the divide between Mei and her father, we get their first real kiss, the only good kiss until Yuzu’s love confession. We get to see just how good it could be before it all goes wrong again.
Mei tells Yuzu how much better she feels now that she and her father can understand each other. She speaks with happiness, something we rarely see Mei do… Yuzu finds herself crying, knowing that Mei isn't hurting anymore, it's a sympathetic reaction. Yuzu hates for others to be hurting and it's not just her romantic interest in Mei that motivates her here, she really is good natured. She feels relieved like Mei must feel relieved, and so she cries in happiness.
Mei sees this, she doesn't quite understand why Yuzu would cry… that these are tears of healing, if not for Yuzu but instead for the feelings she herself must be having. Mei isn't that terrible of a person, she's sympathetic to Yuzu’s hurting healing in this moment and she instinctively wants to comfort her. To give Yuzu a safe space so she can let her emotions out. In this moment, their roles are reversed. One hand comfortingly placed over Yuzu's, their faces are close as Yuzu realizes Mei is caressing her face, wanting to soothe her tears and comfort her.
Their kiss is spontaneous but natural, they are emotionally connecting with each other. Mei’s fingers interlace with Yuzu’s as they do and the kiss lasts. It feels good instead of unnerving on some level for one or both of them, but we see a very different reaction to this revelation when they pull apart.
Yuzu reacts with wonder, she's never really kissed before, not where she was free to enjoy it. This is a brand new experience for her and she celebrates it, so this is what it's supposed to feel like. She sees so many positive possibilities from this moment.
Mei, on the other hand, is also surprised at how different it felt, how good, but you can see in her expression that she's also reeling from a conflict of emotions. She's scared of how vulnerable it makes her feel, how she lost her control in the moment, to have that pleasure make her yearn for something deeper than just kissing or sex. It scares her and you can see this look of worry in her eyes.
As usual, Mei will push Yuzu away, not ready for all of those emotions.
The Matsuri arc
Hey if you've stuck with me so far, thanks. I know it's a lot. Luckily I think we can get through the next few episodes quicker! That way we can get to the real story: Christmas and the love confession! Yay. Really, this whole middle part of this story is about rivals appearing, first a rival for Yuzu’s affection in Matsuri, and then for Mei’s affection in Sarah. We’ll touch on Yuzu’s lonely existence, the Christmas disaster, and hopefully get to the real story quicker.
Matsuri is, actually, a pretty believable character. She's not just a plot device, her desires are well defined and she reveals a lot about Yuzu, and she's not all bad when it's said and done. She's like both Mei and Yuzu in having a lifelong struggle with loneliness, and like Mei in the total neglect her parents showed her. So, she's gone down some bad paths as a totally unsupervised teenager. I actually kinda like her as a character.
She is of course a rival to Mei for Yuzu's affection, and she appears just as Mei is pushing Yuzu away again. That kiss we saw between them was so promising it can be hard to understand why Mei isn't just Yuzu’s girlfriend from then on, but remember that worried look Mei had after they kissed. It's too much too fast for her so she backs Yuzu off. We get Yuzu’s adorable daydream where a half naked Mei tells her she's in love with her- yeah, Yuzu really wants to hear those words, she's a romantic. And then after she wakes up, moments later Mei tells her to get lost- Mei feels she needs to refocus on those things that were always most important to her like her grades and managing the academy, and she gives Yuzu a sad look when she tells her that she might get held back because of her bad grades.
Basically, Mei is a liar- she wants to be in school with Yuzu, and to help her as her girlfriend with her homework. Instead of telling Yuzu this she hits her with the “we're sisters. Consider that our last kiss.” She's not ready for a real relationship, she's still processing. Yuzu is thrown for a loop, and then a rival appears- Marsuri.
We get a lot of inflammatory stuff as Matsuri takes to things like a wrecking ball, including blackmailing Mei into a situation where she might be sexually assaulted again, but we’ll talk about that with Christmas.
What Matsuri really is in need of is some actual fucking human connection, hence Mei's later line to Yuzu when she becomes concerned “Go out with her, she wants to see you. That girl needs you, so you shouldn't let her down”.
Circling all the way back to the day Matsuri shows up in the story; Mei feels dejected after coming home late to find Yuzu still out partying, the house dark and empty. She was planning to compliment Yuzu on her improved grades. I think Mei even planned to flirt with her and crack the door again to maybe more than sisters, yet Yuzu isn't there. It gives her reason to doubt those feelings, and then out on the street she sees Matsuri forcing a kiss on Yuzu and gets jealous instead, leading to her hugging Yuzu from behind in a sexy way and saying “This is normal for sisters, right?” After all, Yuzu calls Matsuri “like a sister” and they were kissing.
We get two pivotal scenes I’d like to talk about before we get to Christmas. One is the flashback we're given about Yuzu befriending Matsuri as a kid, because it gives us a crucial understanding of Yuzu that may not have been obvious. Yuzu has a good mom but she's a single parent that works all of the time, so Yuzu mostly grew up alone. Kinda like Matsuri, making them natural friends. Kinda like Mei. Yuzu has been very lonely most of her life, despite being extroverted she hasn't developed a lot of meaningful relationships. That's a lot like Mei. As it turns out, they both have extreme loneliness in common. It's part of why Yuzu likes Mei as a person- they share this trait, they're both looking for a deeper connection, a real family so to speak. To her, it's obvious they should get together.
Which is our second discussion: as Yuzu shops for Christmas, her best friend Harumin tells her “With all those domestic skills, you'll make a great wife one day" and we see Yuzu take a long inward pause as she considers it. She really, really wants to make a home for Mei. She wants to be a wife, she wants to take care of her partner. Caring for others is what gives Yuzu life. Yuzu wants to have her own family and that family is Mei. She wants to live together with Mei as wives. Mei can be the head of the academy and she’ll be her wife and that all sounds hunky dorey to Yuzu. Yuzu is filled with wifely love at the idea of cultivating this home with Mei.
Briefly covering what goes down with Matsuri, we get to see Mei wield the weapon of sexual violence again when she forces the kiss on Matsuri. She really believes in it, but it doesn't quite work on Matsuri, does it?
This gives us a hint about Mei's experience: she's very sensitive and what her abuser did really hurt her. Given Matsuri and Yuzu's reactions, it's not quite the weapon she thinks it is. Mei is more sensitive than most when it comes to touching, something Matsuri also exploits against her.
Then we have Yuzu sorting out what really happened in no time flat. The second Matsuri reveals her manipulation of putting Mei in danger of sexual assault again, Yuzu comes back at Matsuri saying: "We have to apologize- to the one person who really is thinking about your feelings.” Mei knew Matsuri was desperate like she is and sent Yuzu away, leading to Mei nearly being prostituted. But Yuzu doesn't dwell on her anger towards Matsuri- she immediately heals the situation by making Matsuri apologize to Mei, it's what will make the situation better. And as she does this, Matsuri is pulled along in Yuzu's wake, now seeing how small and pathetic her actions were.
Once things are resolved with Matsuri and they're all headed home on the train we get Mei saying the nicest things about Yuzu. She says “I was always so desperate to be loved”... “but I kept my heart locked up tight and pushed everyone away when they tried to get close. Before I knew it, I was left feeling empty. But, there are certain pushy people in this world who will love you no matter how much you protest. And if we're lucky enough to meet one of them, then even we can end up happy.”
It's a great idea, and it's the true motivation thesis of Mei's actions. She's not evil, she's just scared, and as Yuzu fixes her life, she wants to change, so she can be happy and make Yuzu happy, too. Of course Yuzu is adorably out cold during the best compliment she's ever been given.
Nobody sums up Yuzu's altruistic nature better than Mei does. Even after everything that goes wrong, Yuzu can see Mei’s pain underneath her worst actions and she never gives up on her. Mei had expected her to give up- everyone in her life either abandoned er or only saw her from their own selfish desires, so Mei stopped really believing in love or generosity.
In this moment, exhausted from a day of nearly being forced into sex with a stranger, only to have Yuzu showers her with love, exhausted like she often is, Mei’s walls come down so she can speak truth without her own hurt clouding her. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy for her to let Yuzu in, even after all Yuzu has done. We see that later on Christmas night.
The Christmas Armageddon- why does Mei push Yuzu away again?
Matsuri isn't all bad, she says pivotal things first to Mei, and then to Yuzu about their relationship. As Mei eats the cake Yuzu made for her, Yuzu collapses into her arms, crying for her and telling her to never put herself in harms way like she did again, because “if you get hurt it's going to hurt me and our mom a hundred thousand times more”. She accepts Yuzu’s altruistic nature, that Yuzu’s fear for her wasn't just because she wants her romantically. Yuzu criticizes her for not being straightforward with her, and so Mei reflects on Matsuri’s parting wisdom as they were riding home together “Mei, you could stand to be a lot more direct."
So, tired like she often is, Mei decides to take the leap and try to trust Yuzu with her trauma. Also, notice how moments before she does Yuzu tells Mei to come to her with any problem she has, and in what Mei does next, she sees herself as doing just that, because she yearns for Yuzu desperately. She tells her she's about to be more direct, seductively approaches her. As Yuzu feels Mei’s heart through her boob which she put Yuzu’s hand on (oh boy hurray gay), her words “My heart is about to leap from my chest for you” is as close as Yuzu was going to be to a love confession, but her following words are even more important to set the tone of her actions.
Still with Yuzu’s hand on her boob she tells her “There are things inside me which would thrill you, and some that would terrify you. I need you to understand that much from the very start” is the informed consent on being an emotionally damaged person. She's telling Yuzu that she doesn't even really know her own trauma or when it will come up, but she's willing to dive into a full relationship with Yuzu while still not knowing her own chaos- she's going to freak out from time to time but she'll process those emotions as they come up.
After Yuzu pulls away, not feeling comfortable with the sudden interest from Mei she brings it home again “You forced your way in and helped me process these chaotic emotions I have (about her father and grandfather), so let's do what you want to do- I think I know what that is” is her laying out just how she feels about Yuzu as a person, she respects and admirers her. It seems like just blank seduction again, but Mei is really asking Yuzu for a specific thing: permission to be messy while being in a full relationship with her. Since Mei doesn't even really know the dark corners of her own mind where her traumatic memories hide, it's the best she can do.
Again, Mei wants to get Yuzu as close to her physically as she can, and to be useful to Yuzu as her lover. Also, I think Mei closing the deal with sex is the only way she feels she'll know she can trust Yuzu, after they do it she can curl up in her arms and feel safe.
So, is Yuzu wrong to reject Mei’s offer of sex? Again, of course not, but she is wrong to shut down emotionally like she does. When Mei tells her “yes” when she asks if it's ok to sleep with her, she can tell there's something off with the way Mei looks at her. After pulling back from nearly kissing her, Mei is waiting for Yuzu’s answer, her look is very serious. Mei is thinking “will she take this risk with me?” and she's holding herself back a bit to await the answer. If Yuzu says yes, great. They will spontaneously go all the way and Mei can feel like the sex closed the deal on them being together.
If Yuzu says no, that means Yuzu isn't willing to be in a relationship with someone as messed up as she is, she can't handle it. Again, it's informed consent. Yuzu doesn't quite grasp the magnitude of what Mei is asking her for, and when she says no, Mei slams the door to her heart she had offered to open to Yuzu, seemingly for good after she ghosts Yuzu all of January leading up to the school trip. Mei goes back to believing that Yuzu can never really understand someone that's been hurt like she has, and it’ll take Yuzu’s most open and vulnerable love confession to convince her otherwise.
For Yuzu, she rejects Mei out of her own reasonable romantic expectations, yet again. It's not the fairy tale ending she's read in her manga so she gets scared. There's no slow build, no romance in how Mei is suddenly asking her to sleep with her. Yuzu doesn't want sex without all of the other things, the little, tender moments. Without those shared joys, Yuzu is scared the relationship won't be strong enough to survive the bumps in the road.
Yuzu will reflect on this expectation, and how she isn't thinking about Mei's feelings and how she might not be available to be romantic in that moment because of her own hang ups. And how as the non traumatized one, she needs to make more space for Mei’s feelings. That's what being a good partner means for someone like her. Once again, The Christmas Armageddon is all about how they had different expectations, and weren't really understanding each other. Yuzu needs to think about Mei's feelings more if this is going to work, and how Mei feels too broken to do so back in kind.
Kyoto Sarah Arc 💋
Yuzu really knows she's in the doghouse when she wakes up the morning of the trip and Mei ghosted her so she’ll miss the train. A month has gone by and Yuzu hasn't been able to figure out why Mei has gone total Ice Queen on her. How Mei tried to tell her that she was broken inside but would try to be with her anyways. For Yuzu, she feels like she didn't even really do anything to be in the doghouse in the first place, if Mei was serious about being with her she should have had other chances, they could have done the slow build. Why did Mei shut down on her instead?
Yuzu is really smart, but it's not without some help from her friends that she's able to figure out how to get through to Mei. Sarah will later tell her that she and Mei are alike, they are both scared little girls trying to protect their hearts. Mei is scared that someone like Yuzu will never be able to understand her trauma, that she's too broken to ever be with anyone. So she shuts the doors to her heart to protect herself but I also believe to protect Yuzu from what she feels is a lost cause- herself. Yuzu has to come to understand these things about Mei in order to be with her.
I've said Matsuri isn't a bad person, and she really comes to Yuzu’s rescue with one of the best lines in the series “If you want to be with someone, then you have to consider their feelings”. It's not that Yuzu’s expectations of romance are wrong, it's that she places those expectations on Mei that's wrong, because Mei isn't her. Yuzu is totally in love with Mei, she wants to be with her. What does being with Mei look like when Mei has emotional damage? How does making it work with Mei go, if Yuzu isn't scared and trying to ‘protect her own heart’?
Yuzu comes to realize that to have Mei she's got to set her expectations aside and accept whatever comes next because Mei believes she's too broken to be with her. Those feelings of brokenness prevent Mei from having the same romantic dream as Yuzu. She has to understand Mei’s feelings as well as say her own feelings to Mei in a way that Mei can understand them. Nothing less than her most vulnerable love confession will do this, that's what it's going to take for Mei to understand that Yuzu sees how scared she is and is still choosing to be with her.
Now, we of course get a rival for Mei’s affections, but it's not that serious. I like Sarah. I think she's fun, I really do. And I think that she's a plot device is a bit too obvious. But we do need her to be in the story for Mei’s most important line leading up to the confession: “Tell me whether or not you need me.”
This line echoes Mei's earlier lines and has everything to do with Mei’s feelings that she's too broken to be loved. She wants someone to tell her that she's useful for a purpose, that's something she knows she can believe in. Her whole life before meeting Yuzu was how she felt she had to be the heir because that's what she believed having purpose looked like. But love is not so simple as being needed for a job you can fill, yet Yuzu will know to say those exact words,“I need you” to Mei during her confession.
I realize Mei’s behavior in ep10-12 can be hard to understand, Yuzu says it outright “Maybe she really is done with me”. But rest assured the whole time Mei is hoping against all odds that she can be with Yuzu, she just doesn't see how her wish can come true. Yuzu is what she wants, she just doesn't feel good enough about herself to be with her. How do we know this? We can look at Mei’s bear, her external representation of her feelings.
This bear is so important in the anime that it appears during their confession kiss scene, and it appears here a couple more revealing times. The first is when Mei goes to the relationship shrine, she secludes herself as best she can to ask for guidance on how to be with Yuzu. She holds her bear in the crook of her fingers while she prays for guidance. Mei is very much thinking about Yuzu, but she’s stuck on what she can do to make things better after ruining it all yet again.
The second time is when she's getting ready for bed, she has tucked her bear into a little futon she has for him. This is mostly just a soft moment for us, but I think it's important because I believe what we’re being shown is Mei doing self care.
She doesn't know what to do with her life or how to be with Yuzu, but she can make her bear’s life a little better, so she does. She's taking a moment to show the representation of her innermost self some comfort. When she feels so far away from Yuzu emotionally, she comforts herself by taking care of the bear Yuzu put back together for her. Like her soul- Yuzu has helped her put back together her inner self, by confronting her abuser, rescuing from her grandfather's home, and reuniting her with her dad. Being with Yuzu is absolutely all that's on Mei’s mind.
Before we really get to the kiss, let's dwell a bit on Yuzu's emotional journey of letting go of her romantic expectations and confusion over sisterly love. Yuzu recognizes in Mei that she needs love and support aside from Yuzu’s self interest of pursuing her romantically, so Yuzu at first approaches Mei outside the hotel offering that. Mei counters her “Tell me how you really feel about me.” And Yuzu chokes, she wasn't expecting Mei to confront her on why she actually cares so much, and Mei is being frigid and stoic as she does. Yuzu is so scared of Mei’s scorn that she doesn't see how Mei is asking for her true feelings, like we see her confess during their kiss.
That Yuzu has been in the doghouse the last month, not really knowing why, has her on edge such that Mei's guarded response throws her. But, as I mentioned above, Yuzu didn't see how Mei opened herself up to Yuzu that night about her trauma and how hard being in a relationship would be, but that she would do it. Largely, Yuzu misses these cues because of her own romantic expectations blocking her from seeing Mei’s emotions.
It's so bad that Matsuri, the person who told her to think about Mei's feelings, nearly calls Yuzu to ask if she's gotten Mei to be her girlfriend yet. But the whole time episodes 10-12 are going on we’re hearing Yuzu process her romantic expectations against Mei’s needs. Shes intuitive and smart like few people are about emotions, and knowing this Matsuri elects to not call her. “She’ll figure it out, this is Yuzu we’re talking about.”
We get a couple more meetings of the lovers along the way, such as in Mei’s hotel room hiding under the covers. At this point in the story Yuzu has recognized that she’s in love with Mei and that being with her is worth it, but hasn't found the words yet. Nestled together under the covers to hide from Momo, Yuzu first hugs Mei, like she always does, wanting that closeness.
Mei reacts to it, she's very vulnerable having Yuzu so close. These are the kinds of hugs Mei needs to really heal her emotions- to melt into Yuzu's embrace. Yet Mei isn't sure Yuzu can handle being her girlfriend. Seeing Mei fighting against this, of hugging or crying or melting into her sexually (Mei wants all of the above) Yuzu decides that maybe she can convince Mei sexually, she kisses her neck, Mei pushes her away. Again, not what Mei really wants in that moment.
She's not feeling at all safe with Yuzu, she doesn't feel like she can trust her with her desires and her traumas all at once, so Yuzu trying to seduce her through her sexual yearning is a violation of her personal space and her wants. Yuzu still isn't understanding what Mei needs, after a little fight she's kicked to the curb yet again, which sets her up for her confession.
The Kiss- Yuzu gets what she wants, after making sure Mei gets what she needs, that is.
How adorable is this whole sequence, neh? From Mei running away from Yuzu trying to talk to her, too scared to let herself have romantic feelings after constantly messing everything up. To Yuzu’s telling her that she doesn't understand her, her chaos, how she desires her one second, then pushes her away, then gets all clingy and fragile. To Yuzu trying to jump the steps to catch up to Mei, and Mei having to break her fall for her. To the bear, Mei being too emotionally fragile to act on her feelings in that moment. To Yuzu telling her she wants a kiss from Mei. It's one of the most emotionally raw moments in media you can find.
Every bit of Yuzu's emotional intelligence and journey through her own emotions to understand what Mei wants, needs, to be with her is on display during this sequence. Having finally pinned Mei down in the gayest way possible, Yuzu starts by bringing up how she failed to think about Mei’s feelings on Christmas, and then goes on to say how realizes that when she struck Mei on the night of her fathers return she was wrong to fight with her- because as her lover she needs to be the one person Mei doesn't have to fight with. As an abuse survivor, Mei has been fighting nonstop for the last 5 plus years, and Yuzu must never be a source of violence like that.
Then she tells her she's in love with her, and that she’ll always need her. Mei didn't need to ask to find out if it was true, Yuzu was able to figure out that Mei was worrying about it with her raw emotional intelligence.
But nothing compares to how earnestly Yuzu confesses her love, and then closes her eyes to wait to see if Mei feels the same way by kissing her. Once she’s awaiting Mei’s answer, there is no fear in Yuzu as she does, she's found total peace. Before, Yuzu was afraid to be with Mei and have it not go well, to have it end with her getting her heart broken, and Mei could sense that fear.
But there's no fear now as she straddles Mei with her eyes closed, softening her face and lips and waiting to be kissed. If Mei rejects her, she’ll accept it with dignity. If Mei kisses her, that's ok too. Yuzu has let go of all of her expectations so Mei is free to choose without having to feel pressured about hurting Yuzu’s feelings if she feels she has to confirm Yuzu’s worst fears and reject her.
Yuzu's peacefulness allows Mei the chance to consider her answer without freaking out. A long time passes, and we see on Mei’s face that the answer is yes- she's in love with Yuzu, too. But she gets scared when she tries to reach for Yuzu to kiss her, love is too vulnerable. She looks for a way, all as Yuzu patiently waits, to tell her yes but that she needs to take it slow and not just dive in all at once.
So she uses her bear, the representation of her innermost self, that which Yuzu fixed for her, to kiss her. It's a really cute moment, and as Yuzu looks at Mei’s blushing shyness past the bear at her lips, she gets that Mei is saying yes while also asking for time. But, the answer is yes. Mei wants her, in the romantic way she wants her to, but is scared.
And Yuzu thinks that's okay. But Yuzu knows she deserves a kiss after all her hard work, so she reaches for Mei who is too shy to do it “Thanks, but I want one from you”. Yuzu kisses her with love and thanks and desire, and Mei kisses back with relief and desire but she's still scared and you can see the pain from that. But their kiss lasts a long time as Mei melts into it. It was okay for Yuzu to ask for what she wants here, Mei loved that kiss.
That fear is something Mei will work on now that she's with Yuzu. As they walk back to the station to meet Sarah, Yuzu looks satisfied and content with her world, while Mei looks anxious about the path ahead of her and learning to be with Yuzu romantically.
Conclusion
And that's all, right? Easy peasy…
Well no. Citrus isn't a complete story, and Mei's journey of becoming better has just begun. I'm not sure she's even gotten there in the manga, certainly not the anime. Which is ok.
But make no mistake that the author deliberately chose Mei as a character to tell a story about a traumatized person with PTSD getting a chance to be better, and Yuzu is the charming means to tell that story. She's the best bean, the most heartwarming and sweet character that wins all of our hearts over. She's genius level when it comes to reading other's emotions, and we should all be so lucky to know a Yuzu in our lives, but few will ever be so fortunate.
Think of how lucky every friend Yuzu has is to know her- Matsuri, Sara, Harumin, she makes everything better. Mei is just the most notable case of receiving Yuzu's love. And boy does she need it.
Mei has a ways to go yet, but I think one example of her being considerate of Yuzu's feelings is how she refuses to say she loves Yuzu back after Yuzu asks her to, instead saying that they're dating. You might be thinking that was a big letdown! Instead, think of how carefully Mei is treating their relationship.
Mei knows she loves Yuzu back but she's not going to say it if she can't be totally genuine when she's a mess of emotions at the moment. Sara telling her to hold Yuzu's hand was already a big step she felt, but I think she shows even greater maturity and growth with her immediate acceptance when Yuzu's ask that they kiss again, because it's my favorite kiss. The confession kiss was great but Mei is still afraid then, so it was a bit painful to watch. But when they kiss again, she's doing it with no fear, she's in the moment. They both relaxed and enjoyed it.
It's probably not that simple, Mei is still holding back in all their later interactions but she was able to kiss Yuzu like she was her girlfriend then without all the PTSD getting in the way. It's a big start in the right direction, and things will continue getting better.
In a lot of ways Mei is deep down a good person, I really think that, however she is a Japanese woman and that does make her flawed. She doesn't like big displays of affection and she doesn't like showing affection in public- which is very Japanese, and also very reasonable. But she does want to be in love and do that stuff with Yuzu. Luckily she shows that in their final moments together.
The school trip is over and it's back to school, and as she's walking with Yuzu, Yuzu asks to hold her hand. Which at first she rejects, because see above. Yet she thinks better of it and takes Yuzu's hand after all. Which is a huge display of public affection, she's announcing it to the whole school.
But as we're shown in those moments Mei looks strengthened by it. You can see on her face how hard her job is, every second is work as the heir and president of the school, yet Mei feels more steadfast doing it with Yuzu as her girlfriend. She knows she's stronger with Yuzu by her side, it's a subtle expression but it's there- Yuzu gives her strength, and she's ready to show that to the whole world.
If you liked this post, please help with a 💞 reblogg 💞 if you can, let's make the world a little better together!! The world needs good vibes maybe more now than ever, so let's spread it around! Thank you lots.
I promise more to come on this lovely show, and as always, let me know if you have questions in the comments and the asks!
-EtheriaDearie
[Postscript]
Still, the question may be why I wrote this several years after the show. I told a mutual that I was interested in the show and she proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions hoping I could help her understand Mei better. She said I was very helpful and so I decided to go ahead and write this. So dear mutual, when you read this, Heeeey! Hope you're having a lovely day. 🤗😁
Hello, longtime She-ra meta writer here. Which is why you're probably wondering, why the sudden interest in Citrus? Well-!!!
Citrus, like She-ra, is one of the few animated shows to directly take being a childhood abuse survivor. And like She-ra, it's carefully drawn to show the emotions the characters experience. And last, like She-ra, it's constantly misinterpreted and often accused of romanticizing abuse, which it doesn't! But all of this means it's a great series that could use a deeper look. Stick with me for this tell-all as we go through the evidence and I promise to dispel many of the toxic myths about this relatively brilliant anime!
So, what's Citrus-? 🧸
Citrus is a widely available wlw saphhic love story between a very abused woman (Mei) and a highly empathetic woman (Yuzu) who is in love with Mei and wishes to help her.
Mei is a very hurtful person, including towards Yuzu, she constantly acts out her trauma, and ruins any chance of romance. Our protagonists story, Yuzu, is about emotional intelligence and empathy. We get to follow along in Yuzu's head as she goes through a series of adorable gay panics as she tries to figure Mei out.
Yuzu does this out of her own free will, generously, because she wants to, and the intelligence we’re shown as she does this is what makes this story so important to people who have been hurt like Mei has. For people like us, it gives hope that people really are out there who can understand us, and will choose to love us past the trauma that controls us.
And how would someone do that? They'd do it like Yuzu does with Mei- in Citrus!
::TW: abuse, sexual abuse, childhood neglect, etc etc
For Mei, seeing that Yuzu does this makes it an important story about belief and healing. Mei doesn't believe such love can be real, having been a neglected child and subjected to sexual abuse while having heavy responsibility forced on her as only a child. The story is really about how Yuzu uses her own personal strength and love to help someone like Mei who was forced into a position where she became emotionally damaged- we get to see what it looks like for someone who has a lot of love to give help us. It's also a really cute show full of tons of fun and cute moments!!
The story has many exciting twists and turns, from Mei's initial violence towards Yuzu in response to Yuzu making light of how her abuser was hurting her, to her continued lashing out to resist Yuzu’s attempts at loving her, to Yuzu's inward battle against her preconceptions of what romance is and deciding to be with Mei because she's in love with her, as flawed as Mei may be. Jealous rivals interject and much drama occurs, before a very heartwarming conclusion that is hard fought.
So, here's a few major questions we will be answering:
Why does Yuzu fall so deeply in love with Mei early on, when Mei behaves abusively towards her?
What is the significance of Mei's torn teddy bear, which Yuzu heals for her and which prominently appears during the climax of the series as Mei accepts Yuzu's love?
What is “sisterly love”, and why does Yuzu constantly fall back on it to try to explain her emotions of love towards Mei, only seeing past it to the true romantic love she means to say towards the end?
If you like this series, I hope to connect with you here ❤️
Please keep reading, we will mostly touch on the high points, such as when they fight or kiss, explaining the rest of the story in relation to these snares and successes in their relationship.
This means we will be talking about some very emotionally charged subjects: please be aware that we will be talking about sexual abuse, PTSD and abusiveness, about child neglect and its effects, and about lashing out as a misguided form of self protection due to being hurt. We will also be talking about the sexy feelings which both Mei and Yuzu have, so I hope that it will be a fun aside to discussions about abuse.
This is one of the best things about Citrus: we are given a wlw couple that are canon from the opening credits, the series is all about their romantic love and struggles with a brilliantly beautiful conclusion. When so many wlw anime shy away from allowing the characters to kiss, Citrus dives right in to give us a exciting and complicated story that's delivered well.
It's not all fun and games, just as life tends to be, Yuzu and Mei struggle against specters of violence that haunt our real life societies. Citrus is not bashful about confronting real issues, and yet their relationship is quite fun and rewarding aside from or maybe because of the realness we’re shown.
A couple notes: I am reviewing the English dub of Citrus, it is very well done, but from what I can tell only varies slightly from the Japanese sub. I haven't had the luxury of reading the whole manga yet but have a basic understanding of its differences, however I will treat the anime as stand alone, with their future being wives.
Lastly, like She-ra, we’ll be using the emotions we see on Mei and Yuzu’s faces alongside their dialogue to know what they're thinking throughout the series. I can't show every frame my analysis is based on, but please do refer to the pictures I can provide, and watch the scenes yourselves! If there's something I didn't answer, let me know and I will address it!!
Fight #1: the incredibly abusive kiss Mei forced on Yuzu that we all need to talk about.
That this scene is the first “intimate” interaction between the two of them threw me for a loop. I had to stop and check that A.) the series is written by a woman (it is) and B.) Mei isn't a sadist (she not, phew) before continuing. The scene is scary, Yuzu’s distress is graphically shown. So what really happens? Why does Mei attack her? And how come Yuzu responds by looking to help Mei, rather than shutting down due to the trauma of what was done to her? Let's discuss, and we’ll cover the rest of ep1 as we do.
:: Yuzu is already feeling pretty salty when they enter the bedroom. What Mei did to her at school, basically groping her under the guise of confiscating her phone, was wrong. Seriously, if anything like this happens to you, even if you think the other person did it because they're hurt, even if you think it was hot and is awakening new gay feelings™️ in you, make sure you atleast have a support network that's aware of what's going on. And yes, it does raise curious feelings in Yuzu, that she might like a woman touching her, but it was still wrong.
Back to the bedroom, Yuzu starts by making an attempt to be civil even though she's suspicious. That Mei gives her the cold shoulder, hiding the all important bear from her, refusing to speak to her, makes Yuzu jump to the conclusion that Mei is a ‘mean girl’. That she gets off on it.
Not actually the case. Again, Yuzu jumped to that conclusion without thinking, which is beneath her as an empathy genius. So, she gets snide, she needles Mei about what she saw her doing with their teacher. It's very “popular girl mean talk” which is what's so throwing about Yuzu at first: she gives off some of those vibes. Concerned with looks, consumer fashion and makeup, she wants to be rich. But those are not the core of Yuzu, it's just what she expects Highschool life to be. What she really is is a highly intelligent and empathetic person. Her behavior here is wrong.
The snide way Yuzu is talking to Mei about the abuse Mei just suffered is what's so upsetting to Mei, and then when she suggests that “I totally get it. You make out with him in the open because knowing you might get caught makes it even hotter. Now if you ask me, I bet that kiss was your first. So what was it like, anyway? I always pictured it to be really magical- ” (etc.) when in fact Mei was having a traumatic experience, is what causes her to attack Yuzu.
That's where Mei’s violence comes from as she attacks Yuzu. Yuzu hasn't figured out yet that the expression she was seeing on Mei’s face as her abuser kissed her was that of intense physical and emotional pain, she was trying to dissociate while trapped in agony. And Yuzu is making light of that pain, something she has no experience with. And as she does, she's making Mei relive the pain she's so desperate to disassociate from all over again, which makes her desperate to get Yuzu to stop talking because it's hurting her.
So, she does what her abuser has done to her time and time again, which shut down her ability to fight back against him by overwhelming her, to stop Yuzu and so she will know what it's like to be powerless and in pain. She does to Yuzu what has been done to her. Afterwards as she stands up, she angrily tells Yuzu “It felt like THAT. Magical enough for you?”
As she does, we’re shown her face in black shadow. But this is for suspense- Yuzu was able to see the sadness and pain on Mei's face that she has been carrying day and day again as the man who she was betrothed to for financial gain has had free license to abuse her.
What could Yuzu possibly know about her pain, she's saying. And as traumatic as what she does to Yuzu, we see that Yuzu doesn't totally shut down. Not like Mei had to do to dissociate and survive the abuse, no Yuzu's senses are wide open. She's looking for the reason Mei attacked her, sensing her anguish, and she will go on to find its source so she can help her.
This is not the reaction of someone who is in dissociation due to trauma, Yuzu took the hit and kept processing. If anything, what Mei does to her sharpens Yuzu’s senses, not the opposite- even while Yuzu is struggling against shutting down from the violation of it. Being attacked was horrifying, and what Mei was very upsetting. Yet it's the first time Yuzu has encountered trauma in another person, she's trying to understand it, and her empathy towards Mei is what's in control.
That about sums it up, Yuzu has begun her struggle with her new realization that she's gay and attracted to Mei, but that's not as important as how she goes on to call out Mei’s abuser and get him fired, the engagement rescinded as well. And it really really helps Mei, she's never seen anyone come to her aid.
Which sets up our second fight- at Grandpa’s house.
After Yuzu’s calling out Mei’s abuser in front of the school to get him fired, Mei is forced to return to her grandfather's house, which she obeys out of duty. And Yuzu has a notion of this, which Mei teases her about “Are you going to save me from my mean old grandfather?” Mei seldom smiles but she does here, Yuzu’s care for her tickles her heartstrings. But it must be fake, others helping her and love is a lie in Mei’s experience. But Yuzu comes to see her at the mansion anyway.
In the bedroom at her grandfather's house, Yuzu tries to cut past the bullshit, imploring Mei to leave while listing out how she sees that Mei works hard for the school yet gets hurt for it. She doesn't understand how powerless Mei has really been, that duty and honor controlled her and made her go along with the engagement her grandfather so coldly made for her. That she put up with the abuse out of duty. So Mei flies at Yuzu in a rage, who speaks like she knows how difficult it is when she does not.
Mei is in full trauma flashback as she does, all of the powerlessness she had of knowing her abuser could attack her whenever he wanted and that she had to put up with it for the family wells up all at once. She's no longer really seeing what's in front of her, she's just repeating what was done to her to Yuzu, who's doing her best to fight back. But as she attacks Yuzu and Yuzu thinks she's about to be traumatized, all of Mei’s hurt and anguish pours down on Yuzu as tears of sadness. Yuzu’s eyes flare with understanding as she feels their warmth on her skin. She manages to hold Mei’s arms at bay and pull her close “I'm here, I'm right here!”.
Yuzu's response to Mei’s attacking her out of pain is to hug her close, something we’ll see time and time again. This is an empathetically intelligent choice Yuzu makes because she really is that exceptional of a person, she’ll help Mei even if it's hard. Just like that, this stops Mei- she's no longer in a traumatic flashback. Yuzu hugging her is such a new experience that Mei is lost on how to respond, she's not used to receiving empathy.
This healing would have gone further but their grandfather interrupts them and blames it all on Yuzu who's partially underdressed from Mei attacking her. Which sucks for them both, but Yuzu’s hugging Mei starts Mei thinking that Yuzu might actually get her, even though Yuzu has no idea what it is to be abused like she has, Yuzu at some subconscious level can tell what Mei is feeling, and hugged her in response…
Sisterly Love, and what that's really about
This begins a long period of reflection for Yuzu and her relationship to Mei. She went to the manor to help Mei, but was forced from the room by an enraged grandfather as Mei sat despondent on the bed. Why does she end up hurting Mei instead of helping her? It's not that she did, Mei needed exactly what Yuzu offered, the hug she gave her. And Yuzu realizes she's in love for the first time.
But that's where sisterly love comes in, because we immediately hear Yuzu fall back on this concept to try to explain her love. This is because it's an odd sort of love, so far. Yuzu feels an intense desire to comfort and protect Mei. She feels this way because of her romantic feelings, but so far that's still not clear to her. She thinks it might be a sisterly thing.
This kind of care, protectiveness is often depicted in anime, of the older sister’s love for their younger siblings. This is a natural kind of love, a familial love- so it confuses Yuzu because this kind of love is not intrinsically a kind of romantic love. But it can be, as romantic love IS a kind of familial love because lovers become found family. She knows Mei has been in a desperate place and that she needs her support, like an older sister (which she now technically is) would provide.
Yuzu also considers that maybe because of Mei's desperate situation, that's what she should be focusing on, how her empathy can support Mei getting past being hurt. She's not wrong to think this, but Yuzu doesn't understand that her protective feelings come from her romantic interest yet, so it fries her circuits. She wants to be good to Mei but can't separate her protective instinct from romantic desire, she will struggle with this right up until the end and during her love confession.
What Yuzu can't see yet is that her protectiveness towards Mei isn't sisterly love, it's wifely love.
Yuzu and Mei get their chance to get closer when their grandfather becomes ill. Yuzu finding him as such when she was about to confront him about her expulsion brings them together as a family, and he will have to accept her as a granddaughter. And it helps Mei to accept Yuzu's generous nature as genuine. She decides to go back to living with Yuzu's mother and her, irregardless of Yuzu’s telling her to choose her own happiness. Yuzu's happy hug at the hospital catches Mei by surprise but she doesn't fight it.
I also like that Mei's grandfather tells Mei to live her own life, make her own choices knowing full well that Mei may have gay feelings for Yuzu. He was initially homophobic seeming, but at least in the anime, he’s able to recognize what Mei wants and separate that from the flawed expectations he put on her that have hurt her so much. In this timeline, it makes me think Mei is going to be ok, although I think this story may differ slightly from the manga.
So she gets his blessing to live in Yuzu's home. Mei is making a choice to accept her and Yuzu's mother as family, when she gets home she's further taken aback by Yuzu's mother's genuine hug and happiness to have her back. She wants to accept that maybe this isn't fake after all. She even lets Yuzu fix her bear- at first, she is of course affronted, telling Yuzu not to touch her stuff. But, her bear was something she couldn't fix on her own. She's thankful to Yuzu even if she can't say it out loud.
Mei, the paragon of adult responsibility in a teenager, lacked the ability and executive function to sow her bear back together properly, and Yuzu is welcoming her home by doing a superb job of it. Mei hid the bear from Yuzu- it is the one good memory she still has of her father before he left her.
What this bear represents is her innermost self, and her vulnerability that she hides from others. The one considerate gift her father ever gave her had become broken and frayed over time, like she has from abuse, and she couldn't find within herself to fix it as the burdens of her life crushed down on her. Mei hasn't been well since, and that's why the bear got more broken over time. It is a reflection of her inner state. And for Yuzu to come along and fix it, like Yuzu did getting her abuser fired, as well as giving her a new family where her feelings are considered and she gets support, is symbolic. Mei is incredulous that it can be real yet she goes with it.
We will see Mei's bear many times at important junctures, such as Yuzu's love confession, as the representation of her innermost wants. When it came to fixing the bear, it had to be Yuzu because she's the person who ruses to stop loving Mei. But that doesn't mean that Mei won't mess things up constantly, believing such love cannot be real for someone like her.
…So they end up fighting again.
To which Mei will openly admit how terrible she is for pushing Yuzu away, which is important to consider when judging her actions.
After their mother gets them a bed to sleep in, Yuzu is understandably unable to separate her romantic and sexual attraction from her intentions to be good to Mei. They're sleeping in the same bed, for fuck’s sake, their transition to being wives is even more real! But Mei stiff arms Yuzu’s wanting to make out with her, instead choosing to sleep on the floor. Yuzu doesn't get it, instead asking Mei why she would kiss her if she didn't like her.
Mei tells Yuzu she was talking rudely and that she did it to shut her up- Mei actually tells Yuzu outright that she uses sexual assault as a weapon to stop people from hurting her. And yeah, Yuzu was hurting her by bringing up the abusive moment she witnessed, which Mei needs to dissociate from, in a hurtful way by suggesting that Mei was enjoying it when she was actually in incredible pain.
And that's really cruel of Mei. She fights like her abuser taught her to, by violating someone's safety and feelings so much that they shut down, and so Yuzu had to go through that. Yet, as bad as what Mei did was, Yuzu didn't shut down, she tried to understand. Mei then tells Yuzu that she's not romantically interested in her and only did it to stop her, and so Yuzu tells her “I see. That you're terrible.”
Mei solemnly agrees “It would seem so.” She can't help lashing out in defense and she openly acknowledges her own horribleness, all of its true. She's no good as the target of another’s affections.
But it's a lie that she's not interested in Yuzu. She's never been so attracted to anyone in her life. But she's scared to let her get too close, so she acts mean instead. Mei knows she's terrible, and for one part she's trying to scare Yuzu away. She's telling Yuzu: why get involved with someone who's so hurt?
The next sequence is dominated by Yuzu’s pushing Mei down and kissing her, as well as other affronts to Mei’s personal space such as with Momo. It all leaves Mei ragged at the edges, and she gets sick because of it.
You might be thinking, it's only fair since Mei did it to Yuzu first, but remember that Yuzu isn't the one who was attacked repeatedly by an abuser with total power to do so. So, it really is wrong of Yuzu to do it. This also leads to a jealous spiral with Momo, who further assaults Mei, trying to seduce her into being her girlfriend. In both cases Mei’s dismay goes unconsidered, and as an abuse survivor it is a blow to Mei's confidence in others.
Now, it's not like Yuzu pushing Mei down is unexpected, she's an inexperienced teenager after all. She really doesn't know anything about love (her words). She went to Mei's office thinking they were going to patch things up, but instead Mei tries to talk down to her for reading naughty manga. Yuzu’s “This is all your fault Mei, for kissing me” is fair, Yuzu hates Mei’s double standards. She put the moves on her in the shower, after all. What's Yuzu supposed to think, that Mei isn't interested? She clearly is. But it still sucks that Yuzu gets so caught up in her own feelings that she takes Mei's autonomy away by forcing her down and kissing her. It's true, it's not all bad, after Yuzu flees, Mei's fingers linger on her lips where Yuzu kissed her, feeling how different that it is when someone she’s actually attracted to kisses her assertively.
Not knowing what to do with herself afterwards, Yuzu retreats to Harumin’s house so she won't have to face Mei at home. Yuzu recognizes that she hurt Mei again, and wants to apologize but can't find the words to do it. Yuzu meets with Himeko who wants to know what went down in the office between them which grants her a bit more insight about Mei: her father left her and the family years ago, and Mei changed for the worse after, taking on the family burden and seeming to suffer while distancing Himeko’s friendship.
Himeko tries to beat up on Yuzu for hurting Mei's feelings but as usual Yuzu sees past the bullshit and walks out instead. She then happens upon Mei on the street, who asks why she hasn't been coming home at night. Yuzu tries to indicate that she can't be there because of Mei, she knows she was bad.
Yet Mei seemingly forgives her- we were shown scenes of Mei looking lonely in the bedroom without Yuzu there- and then for the first time Mei uses Yuzu’s name “Why not? It's where you live, right, Yuzu?” Yuzu has a happy reaction to this- almost “Hey, Adora” esque- and it convinces Yuzu that it's ok to come home. Yuzu obligues. Himeko, witnessing this conversation, finds out they're stepsisters, and living together, thus jumpstarting her jealous attempt at seducing Mei.
That tantalizing and almost healthy kiss
Before we get to that, we need to talk about the best kiss they have up to that point. Yuzu is finally home and crashes on the bed, only to find out Mei snuck under the covers next to her. So now Yuzu is freaking out because technically they're in bed together, apparently Mei isn't planning on sleeping separately.
Seeing Yuzu’s distress, Mei knows she must answer Yuzu's confusion. Yuzu openly shows shame as she faces her, she's about to apologize for forcing the kiss on her when to her surprise Mei brings it up instead. Mei’s words about what happened- don't apologize “Because I think may have pressured you into it as well” shows she doesn't blame Yuzu for getting upset and forgives her. Yet Yuzu apologizes anyways “I shouldn't have done anything without considering how you felt” is exactly right.
When Mei suggests they do something to have closure, Yuzu blushes all but saying she wants to kiss- after all Mei is in front of her and has indicated that she's forgiven. Still, it's surprising when Mei leans in to give her a simple, no nonsense kiss. Poor Yuzu is right to be confused- if that wasn't a make up kiss between two girlfriends she's blind! As soon as it's over, she's expected to go back to hands off- is she her girlfriend or is she not? Is Mei stringing her along? Yeah, but not for the obvious reasons- Mei is too insecure for a real relationship yet. But she IS betting on Yuzu.
We then have Momo’s assault, and as Mei’s oldest friend she's disappointed that Momo would try that on her. Himeko’s “I won't lose her to you” right before in regards to Yuzu is self involved and ignores Mei’s feelings entirely. Himeko goes on to learn to set aside her selfish desires since they keep Mei from being happy.
Now believing she's in competition with Himeko, Yuzu sees her taking Mei to her fathers grave as a chance to get ahead, and as a date. Of course it isn't a date unless both people agree that it is beforehand! Separated on the train, Yuzu fights over to Mei on the train and they end up smashed together tits to tits, and when Mei seems to react sexually to the closeness Yuzu takes liberties yet again, which is another violation of Mei's space. Even though Mei is most guilty of ignoring consent, as an abuse survivor it's important that people ask her for it, which Yuzu didn't do.
Yet later on, Mei yet again flirts with Yuzu at the crepe shop by eating the whip cream off her lips, Mei is one cool character as she does this deliberate tease. As much as she says otherwise, it's obvious she likes Yuzu, she wants Yuzu’s attention and so she does enough to keep her interested.
Yuzu and Mei get closer as family at her fathers grave when Mei realizes Yuzu is like her in how she has struggled with loneliness. She confesses to Yuzu that she's never read her father's letters because she doesn't know if she can ever feel like a daughter again after what he did. But as she does she realizes that she's fortunate that her father is alive, unlike Yuzu. Yuzu promises to help Mei find a way to help her reconnect with her dad. It's a huge relief, stressed out and tired Mei’s walls come down emotionally for Yuzu… and that's when the cold she's been fighting off catches up with her.
The day before, Mei skipped two meals in a row, she skipped dinner after Momo’s assaulting her, and lunch the next day when both Momo and Yuzu try to eat lunch with her, arguing in front of her. She banished both of them, both of them were not considering her feelings in how they've acted and it’s stressing her out, making her sick to her stomach, so again she didn't want to eat. Still, when Yuzu requested her presence for visiting her father, Mei went along.
All of this leads to her later collapse at school. It may have allied her to have an emotional breakthrough with Yuzu after she went to the grave, but she missed multiple meals out of stress, making her catch a cold which she tries to ignore because she believes she cannot to miss the board meeting later in the day. This is the thing with Mei: most of her emotional breakthroughs come when she's exhausted, that's when her walls come down and she acts sincerely.
But it also is what leads to her getting sick and collapsing, that's the other consequence of Momo and Yuzu having run her ragged. Collapsed on the ground because of her cold, she snaps at Momo, telling her she has no idea what real responsibility is- how much she's been carrying. Yuzu scolds her for this- maybe Momo doesn't understand her job and the demands put on her by the adults she has to please at the board meeting, but lashing out solves nothing. Yuzu will make her apologize for this- also, we don't hear anything bad come of it so Momo probably did fine filling in. Mei consistently believes she's more isolated than she actually is.
Fight 3: make no mistake, Mei’s father is still a bad parent.
An important thing to remember about Citrus is that it's not all as one sided as Mei hurting Yuzu, the opposite happens too, in fact Yuzu will bring up the night Mei's father returned as one of her biggest failures. When Mei’s father says he won't return to the academy, and Mei realizes that the burdens she accepted 5 years ago as a mere child really are hers to bear alone, we get the scene of Mei’s attempted seduction and Yuzu slapping her for it. It's a mistake about expectations each of them has and how they don't quite understand each other yet, like Sarah tells Yuzu to do later on.
As Yuzu reaches out for Mei while she's crying facing away from her, she wants to comfort her but doesn't really understand Mei's display of desperate emotion, so she hesitates. She can't fathom the depth of Mei’s pain and all she has bore that lead to it, she doesn't know firsthand what it was like for Mei to be abused by her fiancé in order to ensure the academy's future. Her “When are you going to stop trying to do everything alone” and shocked look when Mei turns to her, her eyes full of tears and betrayal, telling Yuzu she had no choice but to do it, shows how little she knows of Mei’s burden.
Still shocked by the look in Mei's eyes, Yuzu stammers as Mei reaches for her, and then Mei is suddenly kissing her, Yuzu's eyes remain wide as she is still trying to process what that look in Mei's eyes meant. Mei’s words were a glimpse into a world Yuzu has never seen and while she can get there on understanding it, there's no way she can deal with Mei’s sudden emotions, her expectations as she kisses her, the sadness Mei wants her to fill. Mei’s “you’ll be the one who needs me, won't you" is a desperate admission of her loneliness. Mei proceeds to attempt to seduce Yuzu, if Yuzu wants closeness then sex is closeness, right? If Mei can prove herself as a lover then Yuzu will want her, she will have purpose.
As she says “I’m lost, I need someone to accept these feelings”, Yuzu responds “... Oh, Mei” and we are shown a very deliberate shot of Yuzu hugging Mei to her. Mei is tragic and blowing past all restraints due to sadness and is trying to seduce Yuzu, and Yuzu accurately identifies loneliness as the real reason Mei is suddenly kissing her. So, Yuzu hugs her, wanting to give Mei a place to cry out her lonely emotions. So she can heal.
Once again, as Mei becomes tragic we see how intelligently Yuzu responds to it. What Yuzu offers her is real healing, but that's not really what Mei is expecting in this moment. Mei is dissociating from her true feelings, she's desperately seeking to secure some reason to think they're together and she sees sex as a way to secure closeness. Her emotions are way too raw to process gently in Yuzu’s arms, so to say.
Sex seems more tangible to her, once she knows she has Yuzu for sure maybe she can heal bit by bit in her arms, but she can't just cry it out, so to say. Her panic is telling her to get as close to Yuzu as quickly as she can, so she tries to prove herself. She's all bluster as she tells Yuzu that she's good at taking orders- Matsuri calling her a slut has no basis in reality. Mei is good at faking confidence though, and it is true that she will be careful to find how to please Yuzu best, in thanks for being with her. But Yuzu isn't having it.
Yuzu offered her this emotionally healing moment by hugging her, that's what real closeness is. And instead Mei is rushing forward with sex, and that's not real closeness. Yuzu may be a very sexual person but she wants romance, she has expectations of both. What she can't see yet is how desperate Mei is to secure their relationship by closing that distance physically. Both of them have very different expectations of what this moment should be- Mei’s is sex, Yuzu's is to hold Mei as she cries, to get closer, to have Mei tell her more of how she's been burdened so she can support her better.
And so, they fight. And this time, it's really Yuzu who starts a fight. She slaps Mei, telling her “Why can't you think of MY feelings for once?” Of how sex without real closeness isn't what she wants, of how Yuzu wants Mei to be romantic with her before they do that. Mei seducing her lacked all romance, Mei is terrible at being romantically present or seeing Yuzu's feelings. But Yuzu isn't the one who has been abused and crushed by the world, that's Mei. She doesn't understand the place of desperateness Mei was coming from by asking her to be the one who needs her. She can't fathom it yet, she wasn't given a chance to process what Mei just dumped on her.
Yuzu goes on to do everything she can to help Mei get close to her father again, but later during her love confession Yuzu specifically brings up how she hit Mei this day. Proving her devotion to Mei by helping her save her relationship with her father wasn't enough. She fought with Mei that day, she came to blows. And despite her actions helping Mei with her father, it's not closure for how she acted that day.
Yuzu comes to realize that if she really loves Mei she needs to have a better way to solve conflict than fighting, because Mei has had to fight with too many people. It's not wrong of Yuzu to reject Mei’s offer of sex, but it is wrong to hurt Mei when she doesn't even really understand Yuzu’s feelings because Yuzu didn't know how to tell her why what she did was wrong. Slapping Mei was a selfish act on Yuzu's part and being an emotionally intelligent person means doing better than that, Yuzu is still just learning and slapping Mei is a juvenile response not befitting her level of emotional intelligence.
After Yuzu manages to heal the divide between Mei and her father, we get their first real kiss, the only good kiss until Yuzu’s love confession. We get to see just how good it could be before it all goes wrong again.
Mei tells Yuzu how much better she feels now that she and her father can understand each other. She speaks with happiness, something we rarely see Mei do… Yuzu finds herself crying, knowing that Mei isn't hurting anymore, it's a sympathetic reaction. Yuzu hates for others to be hurting and it's not just her romantic interest in Mei that motivates her here, she really is good natured. She feels relieved like Mei must feel relieved, and so she cries in happiness.
Mei sees this, she doesn't quite understand why Yuzu would cry… that these are tears of healing, if not for Yuzu but instead for the feelings she herself must be having. Mei isn't that terrible of a person, she's sympathetic to Yuzu’s hurting healing in this moment and she instinctively wants to comfort her. To give Yuzu a safe space so she can let her emotions out. In this moment, their roles are reversed. One hand comfortingly placed over Yuzu's, their faces are close as Yuzu realizes Mei is caressing her face, wanting to soothe her tears and comfort her.
Their kiss is spontaneous but natural, they are emotionally connecting with each other. Mei’s fingers interlace with Yuzu’s as they do and the kiss lasts. It feels good instead of unnerving on some level for one or both of them, but we see a very different reaction to this revelation when they pull apart.
Yuzu reacts with wonder, she's never really kissed before, not where she was free to enjoy it. This is a brand new experience for her and she celebrates it, so this is what it's supposed to feel like. She sees so many positive possibilities from this moment.
Mei, on the other hand, is also surprised at how different it felt, how good, but you can see in her expression that she's also reeling from a conflict of emotions. She's scared of how vulnerable it makes her feel, how she lost her control in the moment, to have that pleasure make her yearn for something deeper than just kissing or sex. It scares her and you can see this look of worry in her eyes.
As usual, Mei will push Yuzu away, not ready for all of those emotions.
The Matsuri arc
Hey if you've stuck with me so far, thanks. I know it's a lot. Luckily I think we can get through the next few episodes quicker! That way we can get to the real story: Christmas and the love confession! Yay. Really, this whole middle part of this story is about rivals appearing, first a rival for Yuzu’s affection in Matsuri, and then for Mei’s affection in Sarah. We’ll touch on Yuzu’s lonely existence, the Christmas disaster, and hopefully get to the real story quicker.
Matsuri is, actually, a pretty believable character. She's not just a plot device, her desires are well defined and she reveals a lot about Yuzu, and she's not all bad when it's said and done. She's like both Mei and Yuzu in having a lifelong struggle with loneliness, and like Mei in the total neglect her parents showed her. So, she's gone down some bad paths as a totally unsupervised teenager. I actually kinda like her as a character.
She is of course a rival to Mei for Yuzu's affection, and she appears just as Mei is pushing Yuzu away again. That kiss we saw between them was so promising it can be hard to understand why Mei isn't just Yuzu’s girlfriend from then on, but remember that worried look Mei had after they kissed. It's too much too fast for her so she backs Yuzu off. We get Yuzu’s adorable daydream where a half naked Mei tells her she's in love with her- yeah, Yuzu really wants to hear those words, she's a romantic. And then after she wakes up, moments later Mei tells her to get lost- Mei feels she needs to refocus on those things that were always most important to her like her grades and managing the academy, and she gives Yuzu a sad look when she tells her that she might get held back because of her bad grades.
Basically, Mei is a liar- she wants to be in school with Yuzu, and to help her as her girlfriend with her homework. Instead of telling Yuzu this she hits her with the “we're sisters. Consider that our last kiss.” She's not ready for a real relationship, she's still processing. Yuzu is thrown for a loop, and then a rival appears- Marsuri.
We get a lot of inflammatory stuff as Matsuri takes to things like a wrecking ball, including blackmailing Mei into a situation where she might be sexually assaulted again, but we’ll talk about that with Christmas.
What Matsuri really is in need of is some actual fucking human connection, hence Mei's later line to Yuzu when she becomes concerned “Go out with her, she wants to see you. That girl needs you, so you shouldn't let her down”.
Circling all the way back to the day Matsuri shows up in the story; Mei feels dejected after coming home late to find Yuzu still out partying, the house dark and empty. She was planning to compliment Yuzu on her improved grades. I think Mei even planned to flirt with her and crack the door again to maybe more than sisters, yet Yuzu isn't there. It gives her reason to doubt those feelings, and then out on the street she sees Matsuri forcing a kiss on Yuzu and gets jealous instead, leading to her hugging Yuzu from behind in a sexy way and saying “This is normal for sisters, right?” After all, Yuzu calls Matsuri “like a sister” and they were kissing.
We get two pivotal scenes I’d like to talk about before we get to Christmas. One is the flashback we're given about Yuzu befriending Matsuri as a kid, because it gives us a crucial understanding of Yuzu that may not have been obvious. Yuzu has a good mom but she's a single parent that works all of the time, so Yuzu mostly grew up alone. Kinda like Matsuri, making them natural friends. Kinda like Mei. Yuzu has been very lonely most of her life, despite being extroverted she hasn't developed a lot of meaningful relationships. That's a lot like Mei. As it turns out, they both have extreme loneliness in common. It's part of why Yuzu likes Mei as a person- they share this trait, they're both looking for a deeper connection, a real family so to speak. To her, it's obvious they should get together.
Which is our second discussion: as Yuzu shops for Christmas, her best friend Harumin tells her “With all those domestic skills, you'll make a great wife one day" and we see Yuzu take a long inward pause as she considers it. She really, really wants to make a home for Mei. She wants to be a wife, she wants to take care of her partner. Caring for others is what gives Yuzu life. Yuzu wants to have her own family and that family is Mei. She wants to live together with Mei as wives. Mei can be the head of the academy and she’ll be her wife and that all sounds hunky dorey to Yuzu. Yuzu is filled with wifely love at the idea of cultivating this home with Mei.
Briefly covering what goes down with Matsuri, we get to see Mei wield the weapon of sexual violence again when she forces the kiss on Matsuri. She really believes in it, but it doesn't quite work on Matsuri, does it?
This gives us a hint about Mei's experience: she's very sensitive and what her abuser did really hurt her. Given Matsuri and Yuzu's reactions, it's not quite the weapon she thinks it is. Mei is more sensitive than most when it comes to touching, something Matsuri also exploits against her.
Then we have Yuzu sorting out what really happened in no time flat. The second Matsuri reveals her manipulation of putting Mei in danger of sexual assault again, Yuzu comes back at Matsuri saying: "We have to apologize- to the one person who really is thinking about your feelings.” Mei knew Matsuri was desperate like she is and sent Yuzu away, leading to Mei nearly being prostituted. But Yuzu doesn't dwell on her anger towards Matsuri- she immediately heals the situation by making Matsuri apologize to Mei, it's what will make the situation better. And as she does this, Matsuri is pulled along in Yuzu's wake, now seeing how small and pathetic her actions were.
Once things are resolved with Matsuri and they're all headed home on the train we get Mei saying the nicest things about Yuzu. She says “I was always so desperate to be loved”... “but I kept my heart locked up tight and pushed everyone away when they tried to get close. Before I knew it, I was left feeling empty. But, there are certain pushy people in this world who will love you no matter how much you protest. And if we're lucky enough to meet one of them, then even we can end up happy.”
It's a great idea, and it's the true motivation thesis of Mei's actions. She's not evil, she's just scared, and as Yuzu fixes her life, she wants to change, so she can be happy and make Yuzu happy, too. Of course Yuzu is adorably out cold during the best compliment she's ever been given.
Nobody sums up Yuzu's altruistic nature better than Mei does. Even after everything that goes wrong, Yuzu can see Mei’s pain underneath her worst actions and she never gives up on her. Mei had expected her to give up- everyone in her life either abandoned er or only saw her from their own selfish desires, so Mei stopped really believing in love or generosity.
In this moment, exhausted from a day of nearly being forced into sex with a stranger, only to have Yuzu showers her with love, exhausted like she often is, Mei’s walls come down so she can speak truth without her own hurt clouding her. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy for her to let Yuzu in, even after all Yuzu has done. We see that later on Christmas night.
The Christmas Armageddon- why does Mei push Yuzu away again?
Matsuri isn't all bad, she says pivotal things first to Mei, and then to Yuzu about their relationship. As Mei eats the cake Yuzu made for her, Yuzu collapses into her arms, crying for her and telling her to never put herself in harms way like she did again, because “if you get hurt it's going to hurt me and our mom a hundred thousand times more”. She accepts Yuzu’s altruistic nature, that Yuzu’s fear for her wasn't just because she wants her romantically. Yuzu criticizes her for not being straightforward with her, and so Mei reflects on Matsuri’s parting wisdom as they were riding home together “Mei, you could stand to be a lot more direct."
So, tired like she often is, Mei decides to take the leap and try to trust Yuzu with her trauma. Also, notice how moments before she does Yuzu tells Mei to come to her with any problem she has, and in what Mei does next, she sees herself as doing just that, because she yearns for Yuzu desperately. She tells her she's about to be more direct, seductively approaches her. As Yuzu feels Mei’s heart through her boob which she put Yuzu’s hand on (oh boy hurray gay), her words “My heart is about to leap from my chest for you” is as close as Yuzu was going to be to a love confession, but her following words are even more important to set the tone of her actions.
Still with Yuzu’s hand on her boob she tells her “There are things inside me which would thrill you, and some that would terrify you. I need you to understand that much from the very start” is the informed consent on being an emotionally damaged person. She's telling Yuzu that she doesn't even really know her own trauma or when it will come up, but she's willing to dive into a full relationship with Yuzu while still not knowing her own chaos- she's going to freak out from time to time but she'll process those emotions as they come up.
After Yuzu pulls away, not feeling comfortable with the sudden interest from Mei she brings it home again “You forced your way in and helped me process these chaotic emotions I have (about her father and grandfather), so let's do what you want to do- I think I know what that is” is her laying out just how she feels about Yuzu as a person, she respects and admirers her. It seems like just blank seduction again, but Mei is really asking Yuzu for a specific thing: permission to be messy while being in a full relationship with her. Since Mei doesn't even really know the dark corners of her own mind where her traumatic memories hide, it's the best she can do.
Again, Mei wants to get Yuzu as close to her physically as she can, and to be useful to Yuzu as her lover. Also, I think Mei closing the deal with sex is the only way she feels she'll know she can trust Yuzu, after they do it she can curl up in her arms and feel safe.
So, is Yuzu wrong to reject Mei’s offer of sex? Again, of course not, but she is wrong to shut down emotionally like she does. When Mei tells her “yes” when she asks if it's ok to sleep with her, she can tell there's something off with the way Mei looks at her. After pulling back from nearly kissing her, Mei is waiting for Yuzu’s answer, her look is very serious. Mei is thinking “will she take this risk with me?” and she's holding herself back a bit to await the answer. If Yuzu says yes, great. They will spontaneously go all the way and Mei can feel like the sex closed the deal on them being together.
If Yuzu says no, that means Yuzu isn't willing to be in a relationship with someone as messed up as she is, she can't handle it. Again, it's informed consent. Yuzu doesn't quite grasp the magnitude of what Mei is asking her for, and when she says no, Mei slams the door to her heart she had offered to open to Yuzu, seemingly for good after she ghosts Yuzu all of January leading up to the school trip. Mei goes back to believing that Yuzu can never really understand someone that's been hurt like she has, and it’ll take Yuzu’s most open and vulnerable love confession to convince her otherwise.
For Yuzu, she rejects Mei out of her own reasonable romantic expectations, yet again. It's not the fairy tale ending she's read in her manga so she gets scared. There's no slow build, no romance in how Mei is suddenly asking her to sleep with her. Yuzu doesn't want sex without all of the other things, the little, tender moments. Without those shared joys, Yuzu is scared the relationship won't be strong enough to survive the bumps in the road.
Yuzu will reflect on this expectation, and how she isn't thinking about Mei's feelings and how she might not be available to be romantic in that moment because of her own hang ups. And how as the non traumatized one, she needs to make more space for Mei’s feelings. That's what being a good partner means for someone like her. Once again, The Christmas Armageddon is all about how they had different expectations, and weren't really understanding each other. Yuzu needs to think about Mei's feelings more if this is going to work, and how Mei feels too broken to do so back in kind.
Kyoto Sarah Arc 💋
Yuzu really knows she's in the doghouse when she wakes up the morning of the trip and Mei ghosted her so she’ll miss the train. A month has gone by and Yuzu hasn't been able to figure out why Mei has gone total Ice Queen on her. How Mei tried to tell her that she was broken inside but would try to be with her anyways. For Yuzu, she feels like she didn't even really do anything to be in the doghouse in the first place, if Mei was serious about being with her she should have had other chances, they could have done the slow build. Why did Mei shut down on her instead?
Yuzu is really smart, but it's not without some help from her friends that she's able to figure out how to get through to Mei. Sarah will later tell her that she and Mei are alike, they are both scared little girls trying to protect their hearts. Mei is scared that someone like Yuzu will never be able to understand her trauma, that she's too broken to ever be with anyone. So she shuts the doors to her heart to protect herself but I also believe to protect Yuzu from what she feels is a lost cause- herself. Yuzu has to come to understand these things about Mei in order to be with her.
I've said Matsuri isn't a bad person, and she really comes to Yuzu’s rescue with one of the best lines in the series “If you want to be with someone, then you have to consider their feelings”. It's not that Yuzu’s expectations of romance are wrong, it's that she places those expectations on Mei that's wrong, because Mei isn't her. Yuzu is totally in love with Mei, she wants to be with her. What does being with Mei look like when Mei has emotional damage? How does making it work with Mei go, if Yuzu isn't scared and trying to ‘protect her own heart’?
Yuzu comes to realize that to have Mei she's got to set her expectations aside and accept whatever comes next because Mei believes she's too broken to be with her. Those feelings of brokenness prevent Mei from having the same romantic dream as Yuzu. She has to understand Mei’s feelings as well as say her own feelings to Mei in a way that Mei can understand them. Nothing less than her most vulnerable love confession will do this, that's what it's going to take for Mei to understand that Yuzu sees how scared she is and is still choosing to be with her.
Now, we of course get a rival for Mei’s affections, but it's not that serious. I like Sarah. I think she's fun, I really do. And I think that she's a plot device is a bit too obvious. But we do need her to be in the story for Mei’s most important line leading up to the confession: “Tell me whether or not you need me.”
This line echoes Mei's earlier lines and has everything to do with Mei’s feelings that she's too broken to be loved. She wants someone to tell her that she's useful for a purpose, that's something she knows she can believe in. Her whole life before meeting Yuzu was how she felt she had to be the heir because that's what she believed having purpose looked like. But love is not so simple as being needed for a job you can fill, yet Yuzu will know to say those exact words,“I need you” to Mei during her confession.
I realize Mei’s behavior in ep10-12 can be hard to understand, Yuzu says it outright “Maybe she really is done with me”. But rest assured the whole time Mei is hoping against all odds that she can be with Yuzu, she just doesn't see how her wish can come true. Yuzu is what she wants, she just doesn't feel good enough about herself to be with her. How do we know this? We can look at Mei’s bear, her external representation of her feelings.
This bear is so important in the anime that it appears during their confession kiss scene, and it appears here a couple more revealing times. The first is when Mei goes to the relationship shrine, she secludes herself as best she can to ask for guidance on how to be with Yuzu. She holds her bear in the crook of her fingers while she prays for guidance. Mei is very much thinking about Yuzu, but she’s stuck on what she can do to make things better after ruining it all yet again.
The second time is when she's getting ready for bed, she has tucked her bear into a little futon she has for him. This is mostly just a soft moment for us, but I think it's important because I believe what we’re being shown is Mei doing self care.
She doesn't know what to do with her life or how to be with Yuzu, but she can make her bear’s life a little better, so she does. She's taking a moment to show the representation of her innermost self some comfort. When she feels so far away from Yuzu emotionally, she comforts herself by taking care of the bear Yuzu put back together for her. Like her soul- Yuzu has helped her put back together her inner self, by confronting her abuser, rescuing from her grandfather's home, and reuniting her with her dad. Being with Yuzu is absolutely all that's on Mei’s mind.
Before we really get to the kiss, let's dwell a bit on Yuzu's emotional journey of letting go of her romantic expectations and confusion over sisterly love. Yuzu recognizes in Mei that she needs love and support aside from Yuzu’s self interest of pursuing her romantically, so Yuzu at first approaches Mei outside the hotel offering that. Mei counters her “Tell me how you really feel about me.” And Yuzu chokes, she wasn't expecting Mei to confront her on why she actually cares so much, and Mei is being frigid and stoic as she does. Yuzu is so scared of Mei’s scorn that she doesn't see how Mei is asking for her true feelings, like we see her confess during their kiss.
That Yuzu has been in the doghouse the last month, not really knowing why, has her on edge such that Mei's guarded response throws her. But, as I mentioned above, Yuzu didn't see how Mei opened herself up to Yuzu that night about her trauma and how hard being in a relationship would be, but that she would do it. Largely, Yuzu misses these cues because of her own romantic expectations blocking her from seeing Mei’s emotions.
It's so bad that Matsuri, the person who told her to think about Mei's feelings, nearly calls Yuzu to ask if she's gotten Mei to be her girlfriend yet. But the whole time episodes 10-12 are going on we’re hearing Yuzu process her romantic expectations against Mei’s needs. Shes intuitive and smart like few people are about emotions, and knowing this Matsuri elects to not call her. “She’ll figure it out, this is Yuzu we’re talking about.”
We get a couple more meetings of the lovers along the way, such as in Mei’s hotel room hiding under the covers. At this point in the story Yuzu has recognized that she’s in love with Mei and that being with her is worth it, but hasn't found the words yet. Nestled together under the covers to hide from Momo, Yuzu first hugs Mei, like she always does, wanting that closeness.
Mei reacts to it, she's very vulnerable having Yuzu so close. These are the kinds of hugs Mei needs to really heal her emotions- to melt into Yuzu's embrace. Yet Mei isn't sure Yuzu can handle being her girlfriend. Seeing Mei fighting against this, of hugging or crying or melting into her sexually (Mei wants all of the above) Yuzu decides that maybe she can convince Mei sexually, she kisses her neck, Mei pushes her away. Again, not what Mei really wants in that moment.
She's not feeling at all safe with Yuzu, she doesn't feel like she can trust her with her desires and her traumas all at once, so Yuzu trying to seduce her through her sexual yearning is a violation of her personal space and her wants. Yuzu still isn't understanding what Mei needs, after a little fight she's kicked to the curb yet again, which sets her up for her confession.
The Kiss- Yuzu gets what she wants, after making sure Mei gets what she needs, that is.
How adorable is this whole sequence, neh? From Mei running away from Yuzu trying to talk to her, too scared to let herself have romantic feelings after constantly messing everything up. To Yuzu’s telling her that she doesn't understand her, her chaos, how she desires her one second, then pushes her away, then gets all clingy and fragile. To Yuzu trying to jump the steps to catch up to Mei, and Mei having to break her fall for her. To the bear, Mei being too emotionally fragile to act on her feelings in that moment. To Yuzu telling her she wants a kiss from Mei. It's one of the most emotionally raw moments in media you can find.
Every bit of Yuzu's emotional intelligence and journey through her own emotions to understand what Mei wants, needs, to be with her is on display during this sequence. Having finally pinned Mei down in the gayest way possible, Yuzu starts by bringing up how she failed to think about Mei’s feelings on Christmas, and then goes on to say how realizes that when she struck Mei on the night of her fathers return she was wrong to fight with her- because as her lover she needs to be the one person Mei doesn't have to fight with. As an abuse survivor, Mei has been fighting nonstop for the last 5 plus years, and Yuzu must never be a source of violence like that.
Then she tells her she's in love with her, and that she’ll always need her. Mei didn't need to ask to find out if it was true, Yuzu was able to figure out that Mei was worrying about it with her raw emotional intelligence.
But nothing compares to how earnestly Yuzu confesses her love, and then closes her eyes to wait to see if Mei feels the same way by kissing her. Once she’s awaiting Mei’s answer, there is no fear in Yuzu as she does, she's found total peace. Before, Yuzu was afraid to be with Mei and have it not go well, to have it end with her getting her heart broken, and Mei could sense that fear.
But there's no fear now as she straddles Mei with her eyes closed, softening her face and lips and waiting to be kissed. If Mei rejects her, she’ll accept it with dignity. If Mei kisses her, that's ok too. Yuzu has let go of all of her expectations so Mei is free to choose without having to feel pressured about hurting Yuzu’s feelings if she feels she has to confirm Yuzu’s worst fears and reject her.
Yuzu's peacefulness allows Mei the chance to consider her answer without freaking out. A long time passes, and we see on Mei’s face that the answer is yes- she's in love with Yuzu, too. But she gets scared when she tries to reach for Yuzu to kiss her, love is too vulnerable. She looks for a way, all as Yuzu patiently waits, to tell her yes but that she needs to take it slow and not just dive in all at once.
So she uses her bear, the representation of her innermost self, that which Yuzu fixed for her, to kiss her. It's a really cute moment, and as Yuzu looks at Mei’s blushing shyness past the bear at her lips, she gets that Mei is saying yes while also asking for time. But, the answer is yes. Mei wants her, in the romantic way she wants her to, but is scared.
And Yuzu thinks that's okay. But Yuzu knows she deserves a kiss after all her hard work, so she reaches for Mei who is too shy to do it “Thanks, but I want one from you”. Yuzu kisses her with love and thanks and desire, and Mei kisses back with relief and desire but she's still scared and you can see the pain from that. But their kiss lasts a long time as Mei melts into it. It was okay for Yuzu to ask for what she wants here, Mei loved that kiss.
That fear is something Mei will work on now that she's with Yuzu. As they walk back to the station to meet Sarah, Yuzu looks satisfied and content with her world, while Mei looks anxious about the path ahead of her and learning to be with Yuzu romantically.
Conclusion
And that's all, right? Easy peasy…
Well no. Citrus isn't a complete story, and Mei's journey of becoming better has just begun. I'm not sure she's even gotten there in the manga, certainly not the anime. Which is ok.
But make no mistake that the author deliberately chose Mei as a character to tell a story about a traumatized person with PTSD getting a chance to be better, and Yuzu is the charming means to tell that story. She's the best bean, the most heartwarming and sweet character that wins all of our hearts over. She's genius level when it comes to reading other's emotions, and we should all be so lucky to know a Yuzu in our lives, but few will ever be so fortunate.
Think of how lucky every friend Yuzu has is to know her- Matsuri, Sara, Harumin, she makes everything better. Mei is just the most notable case of receiving Yuzu's love. And boy does she need it.
Mei has a ways to go yet, but I think one example of her being considerate of Yuzu's feelings is how she refuses to say she loves Yuzu back after Yuzu asks her to, instead saying that they're dating. You might be thinking that was a big letdown! Instead, think of how carefully Mei is treating their relationship.
Mei knows she loves Yuzu back but she's not going to say it if she can't be totally genuine when she's a mess of emotions at the moment. Sara telling her to hold Yuzu's hand was already a big step she felt, but I think she shows even greater maturity and growth with her immediate acceptance when Yuzu's ask that they kiss again, because it's my favorite kiss. The confession kiss was great but Mei is still afraid then, so it was a bit painful to watch. But when they kiss again, she's doing it with no fear, she's in the moment. They both relaxed and enjoyed it.
It's probably not that simple, Mei is still holding back in all their later interactions but she was able to kiss Yuzu like she was her girlfriend then without all the PTSD getting in the way. It's a big start in the right direction, and things will continue getting better.
In a lot of ways Mei is deep down a good person, I really think that, however she is a Japanese woman and that does make her flawed. She doesn't like big displays of affection and she doesn't like showing affection in public- which is very Japanese, and also very reasonable. But she does want to be in love and do that stuff with Yuzu. Luckily she shows that in their final moments together.
The school trip is over and it's back to school, and as she's walking with Yuzu, Yuzu asks to hold her hand. Which at first she rejects, because see above. Yet she thinks better of it and takes Yuzu's hand after all. Which is a huge display of public affection, she's announcing it to the whole school.
But as we're shown in those moments Mei looks strengthened by it. You can see on her face how hard her job is, every second is work as the heir and president of the school, yet Mei feels more steadfast doing it with Yuzu as her girlfriend. She knows she's stronger with Yuzu by her side, it's a subtle expression but it's there- Yuzu gives her strength, and she's ready to show that to the whole world.
If you liked this post, please help with a 💞 reblogg 💞 if you can, let's make the world a little better together!! The world needs good vibes maybe more now than ever, so let's spread it around! Thank you lots.
I promise more to come on this lovely show, and as always, let me know if you have questions in the comments and the asks!
-EtheriaDearie
[Postscript]
Still, the question may be why I wrote this several years after the show. I told a mutual that I was interested in the show and she proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions hoping I could help her understand Mei better. She said I was very helpful and so I decided to go ahead and write this. So dear mutual, when you read this, Heeeey! Hope you're having a lovely day. 🤗😁
Hello, longtime She-ra meta writer here. Which is why you're probably wondering, why the sudden interest in Citrus? Well-!!!
Citrus, like She-ra, is one of the few animated shows to directly take being a childhood abuse survivor. And like She-ra, it's carefully drawn to show the emotions the characters experience. And last, like She-ra, it's constantly misinterpreted and often accused of romanticizing abuse, which it doesn't! But all of this means it's a great series that could use a deeper look. Stick with me for this tell-all as we go through the evidence and I promise to dispel many of the toxic myths about this relatively brilliant anime!
So, what's Citrus-? 🧸
Citrus is a widely available wlw saphhic love story between a very abused woman (Mei) and a highly empathetic woman (Yuzu) who is in love with Mei and wishes to help her.
Mei is a very hurtful person, including towards Yuzu, she constantly acts out her trauma, and ruins any chance of romance. Our protagonists story, Yuzu, is about emotional intelligence and empathy. We get to follow along in Yuzu's head as she goes through a series of adorable gay panics as she tries to figure Mei out.
Yuzu does this out of her own free will, generously, because she wants to, and the intelligence we’re shown as she does this is what makes this story so important to people who have been hurt like Mei has. For people like us, it gives hope that people really are out there who can understand us, and will choose to love us past the trauma that controls us.
And how would someone do that? They'd do it like Yuzu does with Mei- in Citrus!
::TW: abuse, sexual abuse, childhood neglect, etc etc
For Mei, seeing that Yuzu does this makes it an important story about belief and healing. Mei doesn't believe such love can be real, having been a neglected child and subjected to sexual abuse while having heavy responsibility forced on her as only a child. The story is really about how Yuzu uses her own personal strength and love to help someone like Mei who was forced into a position where she became emotionally damaged- we get to see what it looks like for someone who has a lot of love to give help us. It's also a really cute show full of tons of fun and cute moments!!
The story has many exciting twists and turns, from Mei's initial violence towards Yuzu in response to Yuzu making light of how her abuser was hurting her, to her continued lashing out to resist Yuzu’s attempts at loving her, to Yuzu's inward battle against her preconceptions of what romance is and deciding to be with Mei because she's in love with her, as flawed as Mei may be. Jealous rivals interject and much drama occurs, before a very heartwarming conclusion that is hard fought.
So, here's a few major questions we will be answering:
Why does Yuzu fall so deeply in love with Mei early on, when Mei behaves abusively towards her?
What is the significance of Mei's torn teddy bear, which Yuzu heals for her and which prominently appears during the climax of the series as Mei accepts Yuzu's love?
What is “sisterly love”, and why does Yuzu constantly fall back on it to try to explain her emotions of love towards Mei, only seeing past it to the true romantic love she means to say towards the end?
If you like this series, I hope to connect with you here ❤️
Please keep reading, we will mostly touch on the high points, such as when they fight or kiss, explaining the rest of the story in relation to these snares and successes in their relationship.
This means we will be talking about some very emotionally charged subjects: please be aware that we will be talking about sexual abuse, PTSD and abusiveness, about child neglect and its effects, and about lashing out as a misguided form of self protection due to being hurt. We will also be talking about the sexy feelings which both Mei and Yuzu have, so I hope that it will be a fun aside to discussions about abuse.
This is one of the best things about Citrus: we are given a wlw couple that are canon from the opening credits, the series is all about their romantic love and struggles with a brilliantly beautiful conclusion. When so many wlw anime shy away from allowing the characters to kiss, Citrus dives right in to give us a exciting and complicated story that's delivered well.
It's not all fun and games, just as life tends to be, Yuzu and Mei struggle against specters of violence that haunt our real life societies. Citrus is not bashful about confronting real issues, and yet their relationship is quite fun and rewarding aside from or maybe because of the realness we’re shown.
A couple notes: I am reviewing the English dub of Citrus, it is very well done, but from what I can tell only varies slightly from the Japanese sub. I haven't had the luxury of reading the whole manga yet but have a basic understanding of its differences, however I will treat the anime as stand alone, with their future being wives.
Lastly, like She-ra, we’ll be using the emotions we see on Mei and Yuzu’s faces alongside their dialogue to know what they're thinking throughout the series. I can't show every frame my analysis is based on, but please do refer to the pictures I can provide, and watch the scenes yourselves! If there's something I didn't answer, let me know and I will address it!!
Fight #1: the incredibly abusive kiss Mei forced on Yuzu that we all need to talk about.
That this scene is the first “intimate” interaction between the two of them threw me for a loop. I had to stop and check that A.) the series is written by a woman (it is) and B.) Mei isn't a sadist (she not, phew) before continuing. The scene is scary, Yuzu’s distress is graphically shown. So what really happens? Why does Mei attack her? And how come Yuzu responds by looking to help Mei, rather than shutting down due to the trauma of what was done to her? Let's discuss, and we’ll cover the rest of ep1 as we do.
:: Yuzu is already feeling pretty salty when they enter the bedroom. What Mei did to her at school, basically groping her under the guise of confiscating her phone, was wrong. Seriously, if anything like this happens to you, even if you think the other person did it because they're hurt, even if you think it was hot and is awakening new gay feelings™️ in you, make sure you atleast have a support network that's aware of what's going on. And yes, it does raise curious feelings in Yuzu, that she might like a woman touching her, but it was still wrong.
Back to the bedroom, Yuzu starts by making an attempt to be civil even though she's suspicious. That Mei gives her the cold shoulder, hiding the all important bear from her, refusing to speak to her, makes Yuzu jump to the conclusion that Mei is a ‘mean girl’. That she gets off on it.
Not actually the case. Again, Yuzu jumped to that conclusion without thinking, which is beneath her as an empathy genius. So, she gets snide, she needles Mei about what she saw her doing with their teacher. It's very “popular girl mean talk” which is what's so throwing about Yuzu at first: she gives off some of those vibes. Concerned with looks, consumer fashion and makeup, she wants to be rich. But those are not the core of Yuzu, it's just what she expects Highschool life to be. What she really is is a highly intelligent and empathetic person. Her behavior here is wrong.
The snide way Yuzu is talking to Mei about the abuse Mei just suffered is what's so upsetting to Mei, and then when she suggests that “I totally get it. You make out with him in the open because knowing you might get caught makes it even hotter. Now if you ask me, I bet that kiss was your first. So what was it like, anyway? I always pictured it to be really magical- ” (etc.) when in fact Mei was having a traumatic experience, is what causes her to attack Yuzu.
That's where Mei’s violence comes from as she attacks Yuzu. Yuzu hasn't figured out yet that the expression she was seeing on Mei’s face as her abuser kissed her was that of intense physical and emotional pain, she was trying to dissociate while trapped in agony. And Yuzu is making light of that pain, something she has no experience with. And as she does, she's making Mei relive the pain she's so desperate to disassociate from all over again, which makes her desperate to get Yuzu to stop talking because it's hurting her.
So, she does what her abuser has done to her time and time again, which shut down her ability to fight back against him by overwhelming her, to stop Yuzu and so she will know what it's like to be powerless and in pain. She does to Yuzu what has been done to her. Afterwards as she stands up, she angrily tells Yuzu “It felt like THAT. Magical enough for you?”
As she does, we’re shown her face in black shadow. But this is for suspense- Yuzu was able to see the sadness and pain on Mei's face that she has been carrying day and day again as the man who she was betrothed to for financial gain has had free license to abuse her.
What could Yuzu possibly know about her pain, she's saying. And as traumatic as what she does to Yuzu, we see that Yuzu doesn't totally shut down. Not like Mei had to do to dissociate and survive the abuse, no Yuzu's senses are wide open. She's looking for the reason Mei attacked her, sensing her anguish, and she will go on to find its source so she can help her.
This is not the reaction of someone who is in dissociation due to trauma, Yuzu took the hit and kept processing. If anything, what Mei does to her sharpens Yuzu’s senses, not the opposite- even while Yuzu is struggling against shutting down from the violation of it. Being attacked was horrifying, and what Mei was very upsetting. Yet it's the first time Yuzu has encountered trauma in another person, she's trying to understand it, and her empathy towards Mei is what's in control.
That about sums it up, Yuzu has begun her struggle with her new realization that she's gay and attracted to Mei, but that's not as important as how she goes on to call out Mei’s abuser and get him fired, the engagement rescinded as well. And it really really helps Mei, she's never seen anyone come to her aid.
Which sets up our second fight- at Grandpa’s house.
After Yuzu’s calling out Mei’s abuser in front of the school to get him fired, Mei is forced to return to her grandfather's house, which she obeys out of duty. And Yuzu has a notion of this, which Mei teases her about “Are you going to save me from my mean old grandfather?” Mei seldom smiles but she does here, Yuzu’s care for her tickles her heartstrings. But it must be fake, others helping her and love is a lie in Mei’s experience. But Yuzu comes to see her at the mansion anyway.
In the bedroom at her grandfather's house, Yuzu tries to cut past the bullshit, imploring Mei to leave while listing out how she sees that Mei works hard for the school yet gets hurt for it. She doesn't understand how powerless Mei has really been, that duty and honor controlled her and made her go along with the engagement her grandfather so coldly made for her. That she put up with the abuse out of duty. So Mei flies at Yuzu in a rage, who speaks like she knows how difficult it is when she does not.
Mei is in full trauma flashback as she does, all of the powerlessness she had of knowing her abuser could attack her whenever he wanted and that she had to put up with it for the family wells up all at once. She's no longer really seeing what's in front of her, she's just repeating what was done to her to Yuzu, who's doing her best to fight back. But as she attacks Yuzu and Yuzu thinks she's about to be traumatized, all of Mei’s hurt and anguish pours down on Yuzu as tears of sadness. Yuzu’s eyes flare with understanding as she feels their warmth on her skin. She manages to hold Mei’s arms at bay and pull her close “I'm here, I'm right here!”.
Yuzu's response to Mei’s attacking her out of pain is to hug her close, something we’ll see time and time again. This is an empathetically intelligent choice Yuzu makes because she really is that exceptional of a person, she’ll help Mei even if it's hard. Just like that, this stops Mei- she's no longer in a traumatic flashback. Yuzu hugging her is such a new experience that Mei is lost on how to respond, she's not used to receiving empathy.
This healing would have gone further but their grandfather interrupts them and blames it all on Yuzu who's partially underdressed from Mei attacking her. Which sucks for them both, but Yuzu’s hugging Mei starts Mei thinking that Yuzu might actually get her, even though Yuzu has no idea what it is to be abused like she has, Yuzu at some subconscious level can tell what Mei is feeling, and hugged her in response…
Sisterly Love, and what that's really about
This begins a long period of reflection for Yuzu and her relationship to Mei. She went to the manor to help Mei, but was forced from the room by an enraged grandfather as Mei sat despondent on the bed. Why does she end up hurting Mei instead of helping her? It's not that she did, Mei needed exactly what Yuzu offered, the hug she gave her. And Yuzu realizes she's in love for the first time.
But that's where sisterly love comes in, because we immediately hear Yuzu fall back on this concept to try to explain her love. This is because it's an odd sort of love, so far. Yuzu feels an intense desire to comfort and protect Mei. She feels this way because of her romantic feelings, but so far that's still not clear to her. She thinks it might be a sisterly thing.
This kind of care, protectiveness is often depicted in anime, of the older sister’s love for their younger siblings. This is a natural kind of love, a familial love- so it confuses Yuzu because this kind of love is not intrinsically a kind of romantic love. But it can be, as romantic love IS a kind of familial love because lovers become found family. She knows Mei has been in a desperate place and that she needs her support, like an older sister (which she now technically is) would provide.
Yuzu also considers that maybe because of Mei's desperate situation, that's what she should be focusing on, how her empathy can support Mei getting past being hurt. She's not wrong to think this, but Yuzu doesn't understand that her protective feelings come from her romantic interest yet, so it fries her circuits. She wants to be good to Mei but can't separate her protective instinct from romantic desire, she will struggle with this right up until the end and during her love confession.
What Yuzu can't see yet is that her protectiveness towards Mei isn't sisterly love, it's wifely love.
Yuzu and Mei get their chance to get closer when their grandfather becomes ill. Yuzu finding him as such when she was about to confront him about her expulsion brings them together as a family, and he will have to accept her as a granddaughter. And it helps Mei to accept Yuzu's generous nature as genuine. She decides to go back to living with Yuzu's mother and her, irregardless of Yuzu’s telling her to choose her own happiness. Yuzu's happy hug at the hospital catches Mei by surprise but she doesn't fight it.
I also like that Mei's grandfather tells Mei to live her own life, make her own choices knowing full well that Mei may have gay feelings for Yuzu. He was initially homophobic seeming, but at least in the anime, he’s able to recognize what Mei wants and separate that from the flawed expectations he put on her that have hurt her so much. In this timeline, it makes me think Mei is going to be ok, although I think this story may differ slightly from the manga.
So she gets his blessing to live in Yuzu's home. Mei is making a choice to accept her and Yuzu's mother as family, when she gets home she's further taken aback by Yuzu's mother's genuine hug and happiness to have her back. She wants to accept that maybe this isn't fake after all. She even lets Yuzu fix her bear- at first, she is of course affronted, telling Yuzu not to touch her stuff. But, her bear was something she couldn't fix on her own. She's thankful to Yuzu even if she can't say it out loud.
Mei, the paragon of adult responsibility in a teenager, lacked the ability and executive function to sow her bear back together properly, and Yuzu is welcoming her home by doing a superb job of it. Mei hid the bear from Yuzu- it is the one good memory she still has of her father before he left her.
What this bear represents is her innermost self, and her vulnerability that she hides from others. The one considerate gift her father ever gave her had become broken and frayed over time, like she has from abuse, and she couldn't find within herself to fix it as the burdens of her life crushed down on her. Mei hasn't been well since, and that's why the bear got more broken over time. It is a reflection of her inner state. And for Yuzu to come along and fix it, like Yuzu did getting her abuser fired, as well as giving her a new family where her feelings are considered and she gets support, is symbolic. Mei is incredulous that it can be real yet she goes with it.
We will see Mei's bear many times at important junctures, such as Yuzu's love confession, as the representation of her innermost wants. When it came to fixing the bear, it had to be Yuzu because she's the person who ruses to stop loving Mei. But that doesn't mean that Mei won't mess things up constantly, believing such love cannot be real for someone like her.
…So they end up fighting again.
To which Mei will openly admit how terrible she is for pushing Yuzu away, which is important to consider when judging her actions.
After their mother gets them a bed to sleep in, Yuzu is understandably unable to separate her romantic and sexual attraction from her intentions to be good to Mei. They're sleeping in the same bed, for fuck’s sake, their transition to being wives is even more real! But Mei stiff arms Yuzu’s wanting to make out with her, instead choosing to sleep on the floor. Yuzu doesn't get it, instead asking Mei why she would kiss her if she didn't like her.
Mei tells Yuzu she was talking rudely and that she did it to shut her up- Mei actually tells Yuzu outright that she uses sexual assault as a weapon to stop people from hurting her. And yeah, Yuzu was hurting her by bringing up the abusive moment she witnessed, which Mei needs to dissociate from, in a hurtful way by suggesting that Mei was enjoying it when she was actually in incredible pain.
And that's really cruel of Mei. She fights like her abuser taught her to, by violating someone's safety and feelings so much that they shut down, and so Yuzu had to go through that. Yet, as bad as what Mei did was, Yuzu didn't shut down, she tried to understand. Mei then tells Yuzu that she's not romantically interested in her and only did it to stop her, and so Yuzu tells her “I see. That you're terrible.”
Mei solemnly agrees “It would seem so.” She can't help lashing out in defense and she openly acknowledges her own horribleness, all of its true. She's no good as the target of another’s affections.
But it's a lie that she's not interested in Yuzu. She's never been so attracted to anyone in her life. But she's scared to let her get too close, so she acts mean instead. Mei knows she's terrible, and for one part she's trying to scare Yuzu away. She's telling Yuzu: why get involved with someone who's so hurt?
The next sequence is dominated by Yuzu’s pushing Mei down and kissing her, as well as other affronts to Mei’s personal space such as with Momo. It all leaves Mei ragged at the edges, and she gets sick because of it.
You might be thinking, it's only fair since Mei did it to Yuzu first, but remember that Yuzu isn't the one who was attacked repeatedly by an abuser with total power to do so. So, it really is wrong of Yuzu to do it. This also leads to a jealous spiral with Momo, who further assaults Mei, trying to seduce her into being her girlfriend. In both cases Mei’s dismay goes unconsidered, and as an abuse survivor it is a blow to Mei's confidence in others.
Now, it's not like Yuzu pushing Mei down is unexpected, she's an inexperienced teenager after all. She really doesn't know anything about love (her words). She went to Mei's office thinking they were going to patch things up, but instead Mei tries to talk down to her for reading naughty manga. Yuzu’s “This is all your fault Mei, for kissing me” is fair, Yuzu hates Mei’s double standards. She put the moves on her in the shower, after all. What's Yuzu supposed to think, that Mei isn't interested? She clearly is. But it still sucks that Yuzu gets so caught up in her own feelings that she takes Mei's autonomy away by forcing her down and kissing her. It's true, it's not all bad, after Yuzu flees, Mei's fingers linger on her lips where Yuzu kissed her, feeling how different that it is when someone she’s actually attracted to kisses her assertively.
Not knowing what to do with herself afterwards, Yuzu retreats to Harumin’s house so she won't have to face Mei at home. Yuzu recognizes that she hurt Mei again, and wants to apologize but can't find the words to do it. Yuzu meets with Himeko who wants to know what went down in the office between them which grants her a bit more insight about Mei: her father left her and the family years ago, and Mei changed for the worse after, taking on the family burden and seeming to suffer while distancing Himeko’s friendship.
Himeko tries to beat up on Yuzu for hurting Mei's feelings but as usual Yuzu sees past the bullshit and walks out instead. She then happens upon Mei on the street, who asks why she hasn't been coming home at night. Yuzu tries to indicate that she can't be there because of Mei, she knows she was bad.
Yet Mei seemingly forgives her- we were shown scenes of Mei looking lonely in the bedroom without Yuzu there- and then for the first time Mei uses Yuzu’s name “Why not? It's where you live, right, Yuzu?” Yuzu has a happy reaction to this- almost “Hey, Adora” esque- and it convinces Yuzu that it's ok to come home. Yuzu obligues. Himeko, witnessing this conversation, finds out they're stepsisters, and living together, thus jumpstarting her jealous attempt at seducing Mei.
That tantalizing and almost healthy kiss
Before we get to that, we need to talk about the best kiss they have up to that point. Yuzu is finally home and crashes on the bed, only to find out Mei snuck under the covers next to her. So now Yuzu is freaking out because technically they're in bed together, apparently Mei isn't planning on sleeping separately.
Seeing Yuzu’s distress, Mei knows she must answer Yuzu's confusion. Yuzu openly shows shame as she faces her, she's about to apologize for forcing the kiss on her when to her surprise Mei brings it up instead. Mei’s words about what happened- don't apologize “Because I think may have pressured you into it as well” shows she doesn't blame Yuzu for getting upset and forgives her. Yet Yuzu apologizes anyways “I shouldn't have done anything without considering how you felt” is exactly right.
When Mei suggests they do something to have closure, Yuzu blushes all but saying she wants to kiss- after all Mei is in front of her and has indicated that she's forgiven. Still, it's surprising when Mei leans in to give her a simple, no nonsense kiss. Poor Yuzu is right to be confused- if that wasn't a make up kiss between two girlfriends she's blind! As soon as it's over, she's expected to go back to hands off- is she her girlfriend or is she not? Is Mei stringing her along? Yeah, but not for the obvious reasons- Mei is too insecure for a real relationship yet. But she IS betting on Yuzu.
We then have Momo’s assault, and as Mei’s oldest friend she's disappointed that Momo would try that on her. Himeko’s “I won't lose her to you” right before in regards to Yuzu is self involved and ignores Mei’s feelings entirely. Himeko goes on to learn to set aside her selfish desires since they keep Mei from being happy.
Now believing she's in competition with Himeko, Yuzu sees her taking Mei to her fathers grave as a chance to get ahead, and as a date. Of course it isn't a date unless both people agree that it is beforehand! Separated on the train, Yuzu fights over to Mei on the train and they end up smashed together tits to tits, and when Mei seems to react sexually to the closeness Yuzu takes liberties yet again, which is another violation of Mei's space. Even though Mei is most guilty of ignoring consent, as an abuse survivor it's important that people ask her for it, which Yuzu didn't do.
Yet later on, Mei yet again flirts with Yuzu at the crepe shop by eating the whip cream off her lips, Mei is one cool character as she does this deliberate tease. As much as she says otherwise, it's obvious she likes Yuzu, she wants Yuzu’s attention and so she does enough to keep her interested.
Yuzu and Mei get closer as family at her fathers grave when Mei realizes Yuzu is like her in how she has struggled with loneliness. She confesses to Yuzu that she's never read her father's letters because she doesn't know if she can ever feel like a daughter again after what he did. But as she does she realizes that she's fortunate that her father is alive, unlike Yuzu. Yuzu promises to help Mei find a way to help her reconnect with her dad. It's a huge relief, stressed out and tired Mei’s walls come down emotionally for Yuzu… and that's when the cold she's been fighting off catches up with her.
The day before, Mei skipped two meals in a row, she skipped dinner after Momo’s assaulting her, and lunch the next day when both Momo and Yuzu try to eat lunch with her, arguing in front of her. She banished both of them, both of them were not considering her feelings in how they've acted and it’s stressing her out, making her sick to her stomach, so again she didn't want to eat. Still, when Yuzu requested her presence for visiting her father, Mei went along.
All of this leads to her later collapse at school. It may have allied her to have an emotional breakthrough with Yuzu after she went to the grave, but she missed multiple meals out of stress, making her catch a cold which she tries to ignore because she believes she cannot to miss the board meeting later in the day. This is the thing with Mei: most of her emotional breakthroughs come when she's exhausted, that's when her walls come down and she acts sincerely.
But it also is what leads to her getting sick and collapsing, that's the other consequence of Momo and Yuzu having run her ragged. Collapsed on the ground because of her cold, she snaps at Momo, telling her she has no idea what real responsibility is- how much she's been carrying. Yuzu scolds her for this- maybe Momo doesn't understand her job and the demands put on her by the adults she has to please at the board meeting, but lashing out solves nothing. Yuzu will make her apologize for this- also, we don't hear anything bad come of it so Momo probably did fine filling in. Mei consistently believes she's more isolated than she actually is.
Fight 3: make no mistake, Mei’s father is still a bad parent.
An important thing to remember about Citrus is that it's not all as one sided as Mei hurting Yuzu, the opposite happens too, in fact Yuzu will bring up the night Mei's father returned as one of her biggest failures. When Mei’s father says he won't return to the academy, and Mei realizes that the burdens she accepted 5 years ago as a mere child really are hers to bear alone, we get the scene of Mei’s attempted seduction and Yuzu slapping her for it. It's a mistake about expectations each of them has and how they don't quite understand each other yet, like Sarah tells Yuzu to do later on.
As Yuzu reaches out for Mei while she's crying facing away from her, she wants to comfort her but doesn't really understand Mei's display of desperate emotion, so she hesitates. She can't fathom the depth of Mei’s pain and all she has bore that lead to it, she doesn't know firsthand what it was like for Mei to be abused by her fiancé in order to ensure the academy's future. Her “When are you going to stop trying to do everything alone” and shocked look when Mei turns to her, her eyes full of tears and betrayal, telling Yuzu she had no choice but to do it, shows how little she knows of Mei’s burden.
Still shocked by the look in Mei's eyes, Yuzu stammers as Mei reaches for her, and then Mei is suddenly kissing her, Yuzu's eyes remain wide as she is still trying to process what that look in Mei's eyes meant. Mei’s words were a glimpse into a world Yuzu has never seen and while she can get there on understanding it, there's no way she can deal with Mei’s sudden emotions, her expectations as she kisses her, the sadness Mei wants her to fill. Mei’s “you’ll be the one who needs me, won't you" is a desperate admission of her loneliness. Mei proceeds to attempt to seduce Yuzu, if Yuzu wants closeness then sex is closeness, right? If Mei can prove herself as a lover then Yuzu will want her, she will have purpose.
As she says “I’m lost, I need someone to accept these feelings”, Yuzu responds “... Oh, Mei” and we are shown a very deliberate shot of Yuzu hugging Mei to her. Mei is tragic and blowing past all restraints due to sadness and is trying to seduce Yuzu, and Yuzu accurately identifies loneliness as the real reason Mei is suddenly kissing her. So, Yuzu hugs her, wanting to give Mei a place to cry out her lonely emotions. So she can heal.
Once again, as Mei becomes tragic we see how intelligently Yuzu responds to it. What Yuzu offers her is real healing, but that's not really what Mei is expecting in this moment. Mei is dissociating from her true feelings, she's desperately seeking to secure some reason to think they're together and she sees sex as a way to secure closeness. Her emotions are way too raw to process gently in Yuzu’s arms, so to say.
Sex seems more tangible to her, once she knows she has Yuzu for sure maybe she can heal bit by bit in her arms, but she can't just cry it out, so to say. Her panic is telling her to get as close to Yuzu as quickly as she can, so she tries to prove herself. She's all bluster as she tells Yuzu that she's good at taking orders- Matsuri calling her a slut has no basis in reality. Mei is good at faking confidence though, and it is true that she will be careful to find how to please Yuzu best, in thanks for being with her. But Yuzu isn't having it.
Yuzu offered her this emotionally healing moment by hugging her, that's what real closeness is. And instead Mei is rushing forward with sex, and that's not real closeness. Yuzu may be a very sexual person but she wants romance, she has expectations of both. What she can't see yet is how desperate Mei is to secure their relationship by closing that distance physically. Both of them have very different expectations of what this moment should be- Mei’s is sex, Yuzu's is to hold Mei as she cries, to get closer, to have Mei tell her more of how she's been burdened so she can support her better.
And so, they fight. And this time, it's really Yuzu who starts a fight. She slaps Mei, telling her “Why can't you think of MY feelings for once?” Of how sex without real closeness isn't what she wants, of how Yuzu wants Mei to be romantic with her before they do that. Mei seducing her lacked all romance, Mei is terrible at being romantically present or seeing Yuzu's feelings. But Yuzu isn't the one who has been abused and crushed by the world, that's Mei. She doesn't understand the place of desperateness Mei was coming from by asking her to be the one who needs her. She can't fathom it yet, she wasn't given a chance to process what Mei just dumped on her.
Yuzu goes on to do everything she can to help Mei get close to her father again, but later during her love confession Yuzu specifically brings up how she hit Mei this day. Proving her devotion to Mei by helping her save her relationship with her father wasn't enough. She fought with Mei that day, she came to blows. And despite her actions helping Mei with her father, it's not closure for how she acted that day.
Yuzu comes to realize that if she really loves Mei she needs to have a better way to solve conflict than fighting, because Mei has had to fight with too many people. It's not wrong of Yuzu to reject Mei’s offer of sex, but it is wrong to hurt Mei when she doesn't even really understand Yuzu’s feelings because Yuzu didn't know how to tell her why what she did was wrong. Slapping Mei was a selfish act on Yuzu's part and being an emotionally intelligent person means doing better than that, Yuzu is still just learning and slapping Mei is a juvenile response not befitting her level of emotional intelligence.
After Yuzu manages to heal the divide between Mei and her father, we get their first real kiss, the only good kiss until Yuzu’s love confession. We get to see just how good it could be before it all goes wrong again.
Mei tells Yuzu how much better she feels now that she and her father can understand each other. She speaks with happiness, something we rarely see Mei do… Yuzu finds herself crying, knowing that Mei isn't hurting anymore, it's a sympathetic reaction. Yuzu hates for others to be hurting and it's not just her romantic interest in Mei that motivates her here, she really is good natured. She feels relieved like Mei must feel relieved, and so she cries in happiness.
Mei sees this, she doesn't quite understand why Yuzu would cry… that these are tears of healing, if not for Yuzu but instead for the feelings she herself must be having. Mei isn't that terrible of a person, she's sympathetic to Yuzu’s hurting healing in this moment and she instinctively wants to comfort her. To give Yuzu a safe space so she can let her emotions out. In this moment, their roles are reversed. One hand comfortingly placed over Yuzu's, their faces are close as Yuzu realizes Mei is caressing her face, wanting to soothe her tears and comfort her.
Their kiss is spontaneous but natural, they are emotionally connecting with each other. Mei’s fingers interlace with Yuzu’s as they do and the kiss lasts. It feels good instead of unnerving on some level for one or both of them, but we see a very different reaction to this revelation when they pull apart.
Yuzu reacts with wonder, she's never really kissed before, not where she was free to enjoy it. This is a brand new experience for her and she celebrates it, so this is what it's supposed to feel like. She sees so many positive possibilities from this moment.
Mei, on the other hand, is also surprised at how different it felt, how good, but you can see in her expression that she's also reeling from a conflict of emotions. She's scared of how vulnerable it makes her feel, how she lost her control in the moment, to have that pleasure make her yearn for something deeper than just kissing or sex. It scares her and you can see this look of worry in her eyes.
As usual, Mei will push Yuzu away, not ready for all of those emotions.
The Matsuri arc
Hey if you've stuck with me so far, thanks. I know it's a lot. Luckily I think we can get through the next few episodes quicker! That way we can get to the real story: Christmas and the love confession! Yay. Really, this whole middle part of this story is about rivals appearing, first a rival for Yuzu’s affection in Matsuri, and then for Mei’s affection in Sarah. We’ll touch on Yuzu’s lonely existence, the Christmas disaster, and hopefully get to the real story quicker.
Matsuri is, actually, a pretty believable character. She's not just a plot device, her desires are well defined and she reveals a lot about Yuzu, and she's not all bad when it's said and done. She's like both Mei and Yuzu in having a lifelong struggle with loneliness, and like Mei in the total neglect her parents showed her. So, she's gone down some bad paths as a totally unsupervised teenager. I actually kinda like her as a character.
She is of course a rival to Mei for Yuzu's affection, and she appears just as Mei is pushing Yuzu away again. That kiss we saw between them was so promising it can be hard to understand why Mei isn't just Yuzu’s girlfriend from then on, but remember that worried look Mei had after they kissed. It's too much too fast for her so she backs Yuzu off. We get Yuzu’s adorable daydream where a half naked Mei tells her she's in love with her- yeah, Yuzu really wants to hear those words, she's a romantic. And then after she wakes up, moments later Mei tells her to get lost- Mei feels she needs to refocus on those things that were always most important to her like her grades and managing the academy, and she gives Yuzu a sad look when she tells her that she might get held back because of her bad grades.
Basically, Mei is a liar- she wants to be in school with Yuzu, and to help her as her girlfriend with her homework. Instead of telling Yuzu this she hits her with the “we're sisters. Consider that our last kiss.” She's not ready for a real relationship, she's still processing. Yuzu is thrown for a loop, and then a rival appears- Marsuri.
We get a lot of inflammatory stuff as Matsuri takes to things like a wrecking ball, including blackmailing Mei into a situation where she might be sexually assaulted again, but we’ll talk about that with Christmas.
What Matsuri really is in need of is some actual fucking human connection, hence Mei's later line to Yuzu when she becomes concerned “Go out with her, she wants to see you. That girl needs you, so you shouldn't let her down”.
Circling all the way back to the day Matsuri shows up in the story; Mei feels dejected after coming home late to find Yuzu still out partying, the house dark and empty. She was planning to compliment Yuzu on her improved grades. I think Mei even planned to flirt with her and crack the door again to maybe more than sisters, yet Yuzu isn't there. It gives her reason to doubt those feelings, and then out on the street she sees Matsuri forcing a kiss on Yuzu and gets jealous instead, leading to her hugging Yuzu from behind in a sexy way and saying “This is normal for sisters, right?” After all, Yuzu calls Matsuri “like a sister” and they were kissing.
We get two pivotal scenes I’d like to talk about before we get to Christmas. One is the flashback we're given about Yuzu befriending Matsuri as a kid, because it gives us a crucial understanding of Yuzu that may not have been obvious. Yuzu has a good mom but she's a single parent that works all of the time, so Yuzu mostly grew up alone. Kinda like Matsuri, making them natural friends. Kinda like Mei. Yuzu has been very lonely most of her life, despite being extroverted she hasn't developed a lot of meaningful relationships. That's a lot like Mei. As it turns out, they both have extreme loneliness in common. It's part of why Yuzu likes Mei as a person- they share this trait, they're both looking for a deeper connection, a real family so to speak. To her, it's obvious they should get together.
Which is our second discussion: as Yuzu shops for Christmas, her best friend Harumin tells her “With all those domestic skills, you'll make a great wife one day" and we see Yuzu take a long inward pause as she considers it. She really, really wants to make a home for Mei. She wants to be a wife, she wants to take care of her partner. Caring for others is what gives Yuzu life. Yuzu wants to have her own family and that family is Mei. She wants to live together with Mei as wives. Mei can be the head of the academy and she’ll be her wife and that all sounds hunky dorey to Yuzu. Yuzu is filled with wifely love at the idea of cultivating this home with Mei.
Briefly covering what goes down with Matsuri, we get to see Mei wield the weapon of sexual violence again when she forces the kiss on Matsuri. She really believes in it, but it doesn't quite work on Matsuri, does it?
This gives us a hint about Mei's experience: she's very sensitive and what her abuser did really hurt her. Given Matsuri and Yuzu's reactions, it's not quite the weapon she thinks it is. Mei is more sensitive than most when it comes to touching, something Matsuri also exploits against her.
Then we have Yuzu sorting out what really happened in no time flat. The second Matsuri reveals her manipulation of putting Mei in danger of sexual assault again, Yuzu comes back at Matsuri saying: "We have to apologize- to the one person who really is thinking about your feelings.” Mei knew Matsuri was desperate like she is and sent Yuzu away, leading to Mei nearly being prostituted. But Yuzu doesn't dwell on her anger towards Matsuri- she immediately heals the situation by making Matsuri apologize to Mei, it's what will make the situation better. And as she does this, Matsuri is pulled along in Yuzu's wake, now seeing how small and pathetic her actions were.
Once things are resolved with Matsuri and they're all headed home on the train we get Mei saying the nicest things about Yuzu. She says “I was always so desperate to be loved”... “but I kept my heart locked up tight and pushed everyone away when they tried to get close. Before I knew it, I was left feeling empty. But, there are certain pushy people in this world who will love you no matter how much you protest. And if we're lucky enough to meet one of them, then even we can end up happy.”
It's a great idea, and it's the true motivation thesis of Mei's actions. She's not evil, she's just scared, and as Yuzu fixes her life, she wants to change, so she can be happy and make Yuzu happy, too. Of course Yuzu is adorably out cold during the best compliment she's ever been given.
Nobody sums up Yuzu's altruistic nature better than Mei does. Even after everything that goes wrong, Yuzu can see Mei’s pain underneath her worst actions and she never gives up on her. Mei had expected her to give up- everyone in her life either abandoned er or only saw her from their own selfish desires, so Mei stopped really believing in love or generosity.
In this moment, exhausted from a day of nearly being forced into sex with a stranger, only to have Yuzu showers her with love, exhausted like she often is, Mei’s walls come down so she can speak truth without her own hurt clouding her. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy for her to let Yuzu in, even after all Yuzu has done. We see that later on Christmas night.
The Christmas Armageddon- why does Mei push Yuzu away again?
Matsuri isn't all bad, she says pivotal things first to Mei, and then to Yuzu about their relationship. As Mei eats the cake Yuzu made for her, Yuzu collapses into her arms, crying for her and telling her to never put herself in harms way like she did again, because “if you get hurt it's going to hurt me and our mom a hundred thousand times more”. She accepts Yuzu’s altruistic nature, that Yuzu’s fear for her wasn't just because she wants her romantically. Yuzu criticizes her for not being straightforward with her, and so Mei reflects on Matsuri’s parting wisdom as they were riding home together “Mei, you could stand to be a lot more direct."
So, tired like she often is, Mei decides to take the leap and try to trust Yuzu with her trauma. Also, notice how moments before she does Yuzu tells Mei to come to her with any problem she has, and in what Mei does next, she sees herself as doing just that, because she yearns for Yuzu desperately. She tells her she's about to be more direct, seductively approaches her. As Yuzu feels Mei’s heart through her boob which she put Yuzu’s hand on (oh boy hurray gay), her words “My heart is about to leap from my chest for you” is as close as Yuzu was going to be to a love confession, but her following words are even more important to set the tone of her actions.
Still with Yuzu’s hand on her boob she tells her “There are things inside me which would thrill you, and some that would terrify you. I need you to understand that much from the very start” is the informed consent on being an emotionally damaged person. She's telling Yuzu that she doesn't even really know her own trauma or when it will come up, but she's willing to dive into a full relationship with Yuzu while still not knowing her own chaos- she's going to freak out from time to time but she'll process those emotions as they come up.
After Yuzu pulls away, not feeling comfortable with the sudden interest from Mei she brings it home again “You forced your way in and helped me process these chaotic emotions I have (about her father and grandfather), so let's do what you want to do- I think I know what that is” is her laying out just how she feels about Yuzu as a person, she respects and admirers her. It seems like just blank seduction again, but Mei is really asking Yuzu for a specific thing: permission to be messy while being in a full relationship with her. Since Mei doesn't even really know the dark corners of her own mind where her traumatic memories hide, it's the best she can do.
Again, Mei wants to get Yuzu as close to her physically as she can, and to be useful to Yuzu as her lover. Also, I think Mei closing the deal with sex is the only way she feels she'll know she can trust Yuzu, after they do it she can curl up in her arms and feel safe.
So, is Yuzu wrong to reject Mei’s offer of sex? Again, of course not, but she is wrong to shut down emotionally like she does. When Mei tells her “yes” when she asks if it's ok to sleep with her, she can tell there's something off with the way Mei looks at her. After pulling back from nearly kissing her, Mei is waiting for Yuzu’s answer, her look is very serious. Mei is thinking “will she take this risk with me?” and she's holding herself back a bit to await the answer. If Yuzu says yes, great. They will spontaneously go all the way and Mei can feel like the sex closed the deal on them being together.
If Yuzu says no, that means Yuzu isn't willing to be in a relationship with someone as messed up as she is, she can't handle it. Again, it's informed consent. Yuzu doesn't quite grasp the magnitude of what Mei is asking her for, and when she says no, Mei slams the door to her heart she had offered to open to Yuzu, seemingly for good after she ghosts Yuzu all of January leading up to the school trip. Mei goes back to believing that Yuzu can never really understand someone that's been hurt like she has, and it’ll take Yuzu’s most open and vulnerable love confession to convince her otherwise.
For Yuzu, she rejects Mei out of her own reasonable romantic expectations, yet again. It's not the fairy tale ending she's read in her manga so she gets scared. There's no slow build, no romance in how Mei is suddenly asking her to sleep with her. Yuzu doesn't want sex without all of the other things, the little, tender moments. Without those shared joys, Yuzu is scared the relationship won't be strong enough to survive the bumps in the road.
Yuzu will reflect on this expectation, and how she isn't thinking about Mei's feelings and how she might not be available to be romantic in that moment because of her own hang ups. And how as the non traumatized one, she needs to make more space for Mei’s feelings. That's what being a good partner means for someone like her. Once again, The Christmas Armageddon is all about how they had different expectations, and weren't really understanding each other. Yuzu needs to think about Mei's feelings more if this is going to work, and how Mei feels too broken to do so back in kind.
Kyoto Sarah Arc 💋
Yuzu really knows she's in the doghouse when she wakes up the morning of the trip and Mei ghosted her so she’ll miss the train. A month has gone by and Yuzu hasn't been able to figure out why Mei has gone total Ice Queen on her. How Mei tried to tell her that she was broken inside but would try to be with her anyways. For Yuzu, she feels like she didn't even really do anything to be in the doghouse in the first place, if Mei was serious about being with her she should have had other chances, they could have done the slow build. Why did Mei shut down on her instead?
Yuzu is really smart, but it's not without some help from her friends that she's able to figure out how to get through to Mei. Sarah will later tell her that she and Mei are alike, they are both scared little girls trying to protect their hearts. Mei is scared that someone like Yuzu will never be able to understand her trauma, that she's too broken to ever be with anyone. So she shuts the doors to her heart to protect herself but I also believe to protect Yuzu from what she feels is a lost cause- herself. Yuzu has to come to understand these things about Mei in order to be with her.
I've said Matsuri isn't a bad person, and she really comes to Yuzu’s rescue with one of the best lines in the series “If you want to be with someone, then you have to consider their feelings”. It's not that Yuzu’s expectations of romance are wrong, it's that she places those expectations on Mei that's wrong, because Mei isn't her. Yuzu is totally in love with Mei, she wants to be with her. What does being with Mei look like when Mei has emotional damage? How does making it work with Mei go, if Yuzu isn't scared and trying to ‘protect her own heart’?
Yuzu comes to realize that to have Mei she's got to set her expectations aside and accept whatever comes next because Mei believes she's too broken to be with her. Those feelings of brokenness prevent Mei from having the same romantic dream as Yuzu. She has to understand Mei’s feelings as well as say her own feelings to Mei in a way that Mei can understand them. Nothing less than her most vulnerable love confession will do this, that's what it's going to take for Mei to understand that Yuzu sees how scared she is and is still choosing to be with her.
Now, we of course get a rival for Mei’s affections, but it's not that serious. I like Sarah. I think she's fun, I really do. And I think that she's a plot device is a bit too obvious. But we do need her to be in the story for Mei’s most important line leading up to the confession: “Tell me whether or not you need me.”
This line echoes Mei's earlier lines and has everything to do with Mei’s feelings that she's too broken to be loved. She wants someone to tell her that she's useful for a purpose, that's something she knows she can believe in. Her whole life before meeting Yuzu was how she felt she had to be the heir because that's what she believed having purpose looked like. But love is not so simple as being needed for a job you can fill, yet Yuzu will know to say those exact words,“I need you” to Mei during her confession.
I realize Mei’s behavior in ep10-12 can be hard to understand, Yuzu says it outright “Maybe she really is done with me”. But rest assured the whole time Mei is hoping against all odds that she can be with Yuzu, she just doesn't see how her wish can come true. Yuzu is what she wants, she just doesn't feel good enough about herself to be with her. How do we know this? We can look at Mei’s bear, her external representation of her feelings.
This bear is so important in the anime that it appears during their confession kiss scene, and it appears here a couple more revealing times. The first is when Mei goes to the relationship shrine, she secludes herself as best she can to ask for guidance on how to be with Yuzu. She holds her bear in the crook of her fingers while she prays for guidance. Mei is very much thinking about Yuzu, but she’s stuck on what she can do to make things better after ruining it all yet again.
The second time is when she's getting ready for bed, she has tucked her bear into a little futon she has for him. This is mostly just a soft moment for us, but I think it's important because I believe what we’re being shown is Mei doing self care.
She doesn't know what to do with her life or how to be with Yuzu, but she can make her bear’s life a little better, so she does. She's taking a moment to show the representation of her innermost self some comfort. When she feels so far away from Yuzu emotionally, she comforts herself by taking care of the bear Yuzu put back together for her. Like her soul- Yuzu has helped her put back together her inner self, by confronting her abuser, rescuing from her grandfather's home, and reuniting her with her dad. Being with Yuzu is absolutely all that's on Mei’s mind.
Before we really get to the kiss, let's dwell a bit on Yuzu's emotional journey of letting go of her romantic expectations and confusion over sisterly love. Yuzu recognizes in Mei that she needs love and support aside from Yuzu’s self interest of pursuing her romantically, so Yuzu at first approaches Mei outside the hotel offering that. Mei counters her “Tell me how you really feel about me.” And Yuzu chokes, she wasn't expecting Mei to confront her on why she actually cares so much, and Mei is being frigid and stoic as she does. Yuzu is so scared of Mei’s scorn that she doesn't see how Mei is asking for her true feelings, like we see her confess during their kiss.
That Yuzu has been in the doghouse the last month, not really knowing why, has her on edge such that Mei's guarded response throws her. But, as I mentioned above, Yuzu didn't see how Mei opened herself up to Yuzu that night about her trauma and how hard being in a relationship would be, but that she would do it. Largely, Yuzu misses these cues because of her own romantic expectations blocking her from seeing Mei’s emotions.
It's so bad that Matsuri, the person who told her to think about Mei's feelings, nearly calls Yuzu to ask if she's gotten Mei to be her girlfriend yet. But the whole time episodes 10-12 are going on we’re hearing Yuzu process her romantic expectations against Mei’s needs. Shes intuitive and smart like few people are about emotions, and knowing this Matsuri elects to not call her. “She’ll figure it out, this is Yuzu we’re talking about.”
We get a couple more meetings of the lovers along the way, such as in Mei’s hotel room hiding under the covers. At this point in the story Yuzu has recognized that she’s in love with Mei and that being with her is worth it, but hasn't found the words yet. Nestled together under the covers to hide from Momo, Yuzu first hugs Mei, like she always does, wanting that closeness.
Mei reacts to it, she's very vulnerable having Yuzu so close. These are the kinds of hugs Mei needs to really heal her emotions- to melt into Yuzu's embrace. Yet Mei isn't sure Yuzu can handle being her girlfriend. Seeing Mei fighting against this, of hugging or crying or melting into her sexually (Mei wants all of the above) Yuzu decides that maybe she can convince Mei sexually, she kisses her neck, Mei pushes her away. Again, not what Mei really wants in that moment.
She's not feeling at all safe with Yuzu, she doesn't feel like she can trust her with her desires and her traumas all at once, so Yuzu trying to seduce her through her sexual yearning is a violation of her personal space and her wants. Yuzu still isn't understanding what Mei needs, after a little fight she's kicked to the curb yet again, which sets her up for her confession.
The Kiss- Yuzu gets what she wants, after making sure Mei gets what she needs, that is.
How adorable is this whole sequence, neh? From Mei running away from Yuzu trying to talk to her, too scared to let herself have romantic feelings after constantly messing everything up. To Yuzu’s telling her that she doesn't understand her, her chaos, how she desires her one second, then pushes her away, then gets all clingy and fragile. To Yuzu trying to jump the steps to catch up to Mei, and Mei having to break her fall for her. To the bear, Mei being too emotionally fragile to act on her feelings in that moment. To Yuzu telling her she wants a kiss from Mei. It's one of the most emotionally raw moments in media you can find.
Every bit of Yuzu's emotional intelligence and journey through her own emotions to understand what Mei wants, needs, to be with her is on display during this sequence. Having finally pinned Mei down in the gayest way possible, Yuzu starts by bringing up how she failed to think about Mei’s feelings on Christmas, and then goes on to say how realizes that when she struck Mei on the night of her fathers return she was wrong to fight with her- because as her lover she needs to be the one person Mei doesn't have to fight with. As an abuse survivor, Mei has been fighting nonstop for the last 5 plus years, and Yuzu must never be a source of violence like that.
Then she tells her she's in love with her, and that she’ll always need her. Mei didn't need to ask to find out if it was true, Yuzu was able to figure out that Mei was worrying about it with her raw emotional intelligence.
But nothing compares to how earnestly Yuzu confesses her love, and then closes her eyes to wait to see if Mei feels the same way by kissing her. Once she’s awaiting Mei’s answer, there is no fear in Yuzu as she does, she's found total peace. Before, Yuzu was afraid to be with Mei and have it not go well, to have it end with her getting her heart broken, and Mei could sense that fear.
But there's no fear now as she straddles Mei with her eyes closed, softening her face and lips and waiting to be kissed. If Mei rejects her, she’ll accept it with dignity. If Mei kisses her, that's ok too. Yuzu has let go of all of her expectations so Mei is free to choose without having to feel pressured about hurting Yuzu’s feelings if she feels she has to confirm Yuzu’s worst fears and reject her.
Yuzu's peacefulness allows Mei the chance to consider her answer without freaking out. A long time passes, and we see on Mei’s face that the answer is yes- she's in love with Yuzu, too. But she gets scared when she tries to reach for Yuzu to kiss her, love is too vulnerable. She looks for a way, all as Yuzu patiently waits, to tell her yes but that she needs to take it slow and not just dive in all at once.
So she uses her bear, the representation of her innermost self, that which Yuzu fixed for her, to kiss her. It's a really cute moment, and as Yuzu looks at Mei’s blushing shyness past the bear at her lips, she gets that Mei is saying yes while also asking for time. But, the answer is yes. Mei wants her, in the romantic way she wants her to, but is scared.
And Yuzu thinks that's okay. But Yuzu knows she deserves a kiss after all her hard work, so she reaches for Mei who is too shy to do it “Thanks, but I want one from you”. Yuzu kisses her with love and thanks and desire, and Mei kisses back with relief and desire but she's still scared and you can see the pain from that. But their kiss lasts a long time as Mei melts into it. It was okay for Yuzu to ask for what she wants here, Mei loved that kiss.
That fear is something Mei will work on now that she's with Yuzu. As they walk back to the station to meet Sarah, Yuzu looks satisfied and content with her world, while Mei looks anxious about the path ahead of her and learning to be with Yuzu romantically.
Conclusion
And that's all, right? Easy peasy…
Well no. Citrus isn't a complete story, and Mei's journey of becoming better has just begun. I'm not sure she's even gotten there in the manga, certainly not the anime. Which is ok.
But make no mistake that the author deliberately chose Mei as a character to tell a story about a traumatized person with PTSD getting a chance to be better, and Yuzu is the charming means to tell that story. She's the best bean, the most heartwarming and sweet character that wins all of our hearts over. She's genius level when it comes to reading other's emotions, and we should all be so lucky to know a Yuzu in our lives, but few will ever be so fortunate.
Think of how lucky every friend Yuzu has is to know her- Matsuri, Sara, Harumin, she makes everything better. Mei is just the most notable case of receiving Yuzu's love. And boy does she need it.
Mei has a ways to go yet, but I think one example of her being considerate of Yuzu's feelings is how she refuses to say she loves Yuzu back after Yuzu asks her to, instead saying that they're dating. You might be thinking that was a big letdown! Instead, think of how carefully Mei is treating their relationship.
Mei knows she loves Yuzu back but she's not going to say it if she can't be totally genuine when she's a mess of emotions at the moment. Sara telling her to hold Yuzu's hand was already a big step she felt, but I think she shows even greater maturity and growth with her immediate acceptance when Yuzu's ask that they kiss again, because it's my favorite kiss. The confession kiss was great but Mei is still afraid then, so it was a bit painful to watch. But when they kiss again, she's doing it with no fear, she's in the moment. They both relaxed and enjoyed it.
It's probably not that simple, Mei is still holding back in all their later interactions but she was able to kiss Yuzu like she was her girlfriend then without all the PTSD getting in the way. It's a big start in the right direction, and things will continue getting better.
In a lot of ways Mei is deep down a good person, I really think that, however she is a Japanese woman and that does make her flawed. She doesn't like big displays of affection and she doesn't like showing affection in public- which is very Japanese, and also very reasonable. But she does want to be in love and do that stuff with Yuzu. Luckily she shows that in their final moments together.
The school trip is over and it's back to school, and as she's walking with Yuzu, Yuzu asks to hold her hand. Which at first she rejects, because see above. Yet she thinks better of it and takes Yuzu's hand after all. Which is a huge display of public affection, she's announcing it to the whole school.
But as we're shown in those moments Mei looks strengthened by it. You can see on her face how hard her job is, every second is work as the heir and president of the school, yet Mei feels more steadfast doing it with Yuzu as her girlfriend. She knows she's stronger with Yuzu by her side, it's a subtle expression but it's there- Yuzu gives her strength, and she's ready to show that to the whole world.
If you liked this post, please help with a 💞 reblogg 💞 if you can, let's make the world a little better together!! The world needs good vibes maybe more now than ever, so let's spread it around! Thank you lots.
I promise more to come on this lovely show, and as always, let me know if you have questions in the comments and the asks!
-EtheriaDearie
[Postscript]
Still, the question may be why I wrote this several years after the show. I told a mutual that I was interested in the show and she proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions hoping I could help her understand Mei better. She said I was very helpful and so I decided to go ahead and write this. So dear mutual, when you read this, Heeeey! Hope you're having a lovely day. 🤗😁
Hello, longtime She-ra meta writer here. Which is why you're probably wondering, why the sudden interest in Citrus? Well-!!!
Citrus, like She-ra, is one of the few animated shows to directly take being a childhood abuse survivor. And like She-ra, it's carefully drawn to show the emotions the characters experience. And last, like She-ra, it's constantly misinterpreted and often accused of romanticizing abuse, which it doesn't! But all of this means it's a great series that could use a deeper look. Stick with me for this tell-all as we go through the evidence and I promise to dispel many of the toxic myths about this relatively brilliant anime!
So, what's Citrus-? 🧸
Citrus is a widely available wlw saphhic love story between a very abused woman (Mei) and a highly empathetic woman (Yuzu) who is in love with Mei and wishes to help her.
Mei is a very hurtful person, including towards Yuzu, she constantly acts out her trauma, and ruins any chance of romance. Our protagonists story, Yuzu, is about emotional intelligence and empathy. We get to follow along in Yuzu's head as she goes through a series of adorable gay panics as she tries to figure Mei out.
Yuzu does this out of her own free will, generously, because she wants to, and the intelligence we’re shown as she does this is what makes this story so important to people who have been hurt like Mei has. For people like us, it gives hope that people really are out there who can understand us, and will choose to love us past the trauma that controls us.
And how would someone do that? They'd do it like Yuzu does with Mei- in Citrus!
::TW: abuse, sexual abuse, childhood neglect, etc etc
For Mei, seeing that Yuzu does this makes it an important story about belief and healing. Mei doesn't believe such love can be real, having been a neglected child and subjected to sexual abuse while having heavy responsibility forced on her as only a child. The story is really about how Yuzu uses her own personal strength and love to help someone like Mei who was forced into a position where she became emotionally damaged- we get to see what it looks like for someone who has a lot of love to give help us. It's also a really cute show full of tons of fun and cute moments!!
The story has many exciting twists and turns, from Mei's initial violence towards Yuzu in response to Yuzu making light of how her abuser was hurting her, to her continued lashing out to resist Yuzu’s attempts at loving her, to Yuzu's inward battle against her preconceptions of what romance is and deciding to be with Mei because she's in love with her, as flawed as Mei may be. Jealous rivals interject and much drama occurs, before a very heartwarming conclusion that is hard fought.
So, here's a few major questions we will be answering:
Why does Yuzu fall so deeply in love with Mei early on, when Mei behaves abusively towards her?
What is the significance of Mei's torn teddy bear, which Yuzu heals for her and which prominently appears during the climax of the series as Mei accepts Yuzu's love?
What is “sisterly love”, and why does Yuzu constantly fall back on it to try to explain her emotions of love towards Mei, only seeing past it to the true romantic love she means to say towards the end?
If you like this series, I hope to connect with you here ❤️
Please keep reading, we will mostly touch on the high points, such as when they fight or kiss, explaining the rest of the story in relation to these snares and successes in their relationship.
This means we will be talking about some very emotionally charged subjects: please be aware that we will be talking about sexual abuse, PTSD and abusiveness, about child neglect and its effects, and about lashing out as a misguided form of self protection due to being hurt. We will also be talking about the sexy feelings which both Mei and Yuzu have, so I hope that it will be a fun aside to discussions about abuse.
This is one of the best things about Citrus: we are given a wlw couple that are canon from the opening credits, the series is all about their romantic love and struggles with a brilliantly beautiful conclusion. When so many wlw anime shy away from allowing the characters to kiss, Citrus dives right in to give us a exciting and complicated story that's delivered well.
It's not all fun and games, just as life tends to be, Yuzu and Mei struggle against specters of violence that haunt our real life societies. Citrus is not bashful about confronting real issues, and yet their relationship is quite fun and rewarding aside from or maybe because of the realness we’re shown.
A couple notes: I am reviewing the English dub of Citrus, it is very well done, but from what I can tell only varies slightly from the Japanese sub. I haven't had the luxury of reading the whole manga yet but have a basic understanding of its differences, however I will treat the anime as stand alone, with their future being wives.
Lastly, like She-ra, we’ll be using the emotions we see on Mei and Yuzu’s faces alongside their dialogue to know what they're thinking throughout the series. I can't show every frame my analysis is based on, but please do refer to the pictures I can provide, and watch the scenes yourselves! If there's something I didn't answer, let me know and I will address it!!
Fight #1: the incredibly abusive kiss Mei forced on Yuzu that we all need to talk about.
That this scene is the first “intimate” interaction between the two of them threw me for a loop. I had to stop and check that A.) the series is written by a woman (it is) and B.) Mei isn't a sadist (she not, phew) before continuing. The scene is scary, Yuzu’s distress is graphically shown. So what really happens? Why does Mei attack her? And how come Yuzu responds by looking to help Mei, rather than shutting down due to the trauma of what was done to her? Let's discuss, and we’ll cover the rest of ep1 as we do.
:: Yuzu is already feeling pretty salty when they enter the bedroom. What Mei did to her at school, basically groping her under the guise of confiscating her phone, was wrong. Seriously, if anything like this happens to you, even if you think the other person did it because they're hurt, even if you think it was hot and is awakening new gay feelings™️ in you, make sure you atleast have a support network that's aware of what's going on. And yes, it does raise curious feelings in Yuzu, that she might like a woman touching her, but it was still wrong.
Back to the bedroom, Yuzu starts by making an attempt to be civil even though she's suspicious. That Mei gives her the cold shoulder, hiding the all important bear from her, refusing to speak to her, makes Yuzu jump to the conclusion that Mei is a ‘mean girl’. That she gets off on it.
Not actually the case. Again, Yuzu jumped to that conclusion without thinking, which is beneath her as an empathy genius. So, she gets snide, she needles Mei about what she saw her doing with their teacher. It's very “popular girl mean talk” which is what's so throwing about Yuzu at first: she gives off some of those vibes. Concerned with looks, consumer fashion and makeup, she wants to be rich. But those are not the core of Yuzu, it's just what she expects Highschool life to be. What she really is is a highly intelligent and empathetic person. Her behavior here is wrong.
The snide way Yuzu is talking to Mei about the abuse Mei just suffered is what's so upsetting to Mei, and then when she suggests that “I totally get it. You make out with him in the open because knowing you might get caught makes it even hotter. Now if you ask me, I bet that kiss was your first. So what was it like, anyway? I always pictured it to be really magical- ” (etc.) when in fact Mei was having a traumatic experience, is what causes her to attack Yuzu.
That's where Mei’s violence comes from as she attacks Yuzu. Yuzu hasn't figured out yet that the expression she was seeing on Mei’s face as her abuser kissed her was that of intense physical and emotional pain, she was trying to dissociate while trapped in agony. And Yuzu is making light of that pain, something she has no experience with. And as she does, she's making Mei relive the pain she's so desperate to disassociate from all over again, which makes her desperate to get Yuzu to stop talking because it's hurting her.
So, she does what her abuser has done to her time and time again, which shut down her ability to fight back against him by overwhelming her, to stop Yuzu and so she will know what it's like to be powerless and in pain. She does to Yuzu what has been done to her. Afterwards as she stands up, she angrily tells Yuzu “It felt like THAT. Magical enough for you?”
As she does, we’re shown her face in black shadow. But this is for suspense- Yuzu was able to see the sadness and pain on Mei's face that she has been carrying day and day again as the man who she was betrothed to for financial gain has had free license to abuse her.
What could Yuzu possibly know about her pain, she's saying. And as traumatic as what she does to Yuzu, we see that Yuzu doesn't totally shut down. Not like Mei had to do to dissociate and survive the abuse, no Yuzu's senses are wide open. She's looking for the reason Mei attacked her, sensing her anguish, and she will go on to find its source so she can help her.
This is not the reaction of someone who is in dissociation due to trauma, Yuzu took the hit and kept processing. If anything, what Mei does to her sharpens Yuzu’s senses, not the opposite- even while Yuzu is struggling against shutting down from the violation of it. Being attacked was horrifying, and what Mei was very upsetting. Yet it's the first time Yuzu has encountered trauma in another person, she's trying to understand it, and her empathy towards Mei is what's in control.
That about sums it up, Yuzu has begun her struggle with her new realization that she's gay and attracted to Mei, but that's not as important as how she goes on to call out Mei’s abuser and get him fired, the engagement rescinded as well. And it really really helps Mei, she's never seen anyone come to her aid.
Which sets up our second fight- at Grandpa’s house.
After Yuzu’s calling out Mei’s abuser in front of the school to get him fired, Mei is forced to return to her grandfather's house, which she obeys out of duty. And Yuzu has a notion of this, which Mei teases her about “Are you going to save me from my mean old grandfather?” Mei seldom smiles but she does here, Yuzu’s care for her tickles her heartstrings. But it must be fake, others helping her and love is a lie in Mei’s experience. But Yuzu comes to see her at the mansion anyway.
In the bedroom at her grandfather's house, Yuzu tries to cut past the bullshit, imploring Mei to leave while listing out how she sees that Mei works hard for the school yet gets hurt for it. She doesn't understand how powerless Mei has really been, that duty and honor controlled her and made her go along with the engagement her grandfather so coldly made for her. That she put up with the abuse out of duty. So Mei flies at Yuzu in a rage, who speaks like she knows how difficult it is when she does not.
Mei is in full trauma flashback as she does, all of the powerlessness she had of knowing her abuser could attack her whenever he wanted and that she had to put up with it for the family wells up all at once. She's no longer really seeing what's in front of her, she's just repeating what was done to her to Yuzu, who's doing her best to fight back. But as she attacks Yuzu and Yuzu thinks she's about to be traumatized, all of Mei’s hurt and anguish pours down on Yuzu as tears of sadness. Yuzu’s eyes flare with understanding as she feels their warmth on her skin. She manages to hold Mei’s arms at bay and pull her close “I'm here, I'm right here!”.
Yuzu's response to Mei’s attacking her out of pain is to hug her close, something we’ll see time and time again. This is an empathetically intelligent choice Yuzu makes because she really is that exceptional of a person, she’ll help Mei even if it's hard. Just like that, this stops Mei- she's no longer in a traumatic flashback. Yuzu hugging her is such a new experience that Mei is lost on how to respond, she's not used to receiving empathy.
This healing would have gone further but their grandfather interrupts them and blames it all on Yuzu who's partially underdressed from Mei attacking her. Which sucks for them both, but Yuzu’s hugging Mei starts Mei thinking that Yuzu might actually get her, even though Yuzu has no idea what it is to be abused like she has, Yuzu at some subconscious level can tell what Mei is feeling, and hugged her in response…
Sisterly Love, and what that's really about
This begins a long period of reflection for Yuzu and her relationship to Mei. She went to the manor to help Mei, but was forced from the room by an enraged grandfather as Mei sat despondent on the bed. Why does she end up hurting Mei instead of helping her? It's not that she did, Mei needed exactly what Yuzu offered, the hug she gave her. And Yuzu realizes she's in love for the first time.
But that's where sisterly love comes in, because we immediately hear Yuzu fall back on this concept to try to explain her love. This is because it's an odd sort of love, so far. Yuzu feels an intense desire to comfort and protect Mei. She feels this way because of her romantic feelings, but so far that's still not clear to her. She thinks it might be a sisterly thing.
This kind of care, protectiveness is often depicted in anime, of the older sister’s love for their younger siblings. This is a natural kind of love, a familial love- so it confuses Yuzu because this kind of love is not intrinsically a kind of romantic love. But it can be, as romantic love IS a kind of familial love because lovers become found family. She knows Mei has been in a desperate place and that she needs her support, like an older sister (which she now technically is) would provide.
Yuzu also considers that maybe because of Mei's desperate situation, that's what she should be focusing on, how her empathy can support Mei getting past being hurt. She's not wrong to think this, but Yuzu doesn't understand that her protective feelings come from her romantic interest yet, so it fries her circuits. She wants to be good to Mei but can't separate her protective instinct from romantic desire, she will struggle with this right up until the end and during her love confession.
What Yuzu can't see yet is that her protectiveness towards Mei isn't sisterly love, it's wifely love.
Yuzu and Mei get their chance to get closer when their grandfather becomes ill. Yuzu finding him as such when she was about to confront him about her expulsion brings them together as a family, and he will have to accept her as a granddaughter. And it helps Mei to accept Yuzu's generous nature as genuine. She decides to go back to living with Yuzu's mother and her, irregardless of Yuzu’s telling her to choose her own happiness. Yuzu's happy hug at the hospital catches Mei by surprise but she doesn't fight it.
I also like that Mei's grandfather tells Mei to live her own life, make her own choices knowing full well that Mei may have gay feelings for Yuzu. He was initially homophobic seeming, but at least in the anime, he’s able to recognize what Mei wants and separate that from the flawed expectations he put on her that have hurt her so much. In this timeline, it makes me think Mei is going to be ok, although I think this story may differ slightly from the manga.
So she gets his blessing to live in Yuzu's home. Mei is making a choice to accept her and Yuzu's mother as family, when she gets home she's further taken aback by Yuzu's mother's genuine hug and happiness to have her back. She wants to accept that maybe this isn't fake after all. She even lets Yuzu fix her bear- at first, she is of course affronted, telling Yuzu not to touch her stuff. But, her bear was something she couldn't fix on her own. She's thankful to Yuzu even if she can't say it out loud.
Mei, the paragon of adult responsibility in a teenager, lacked the ability and executive function to sow her bear back together properly, and Yuzu is welcoming her home by doing a superb job of it. Mei hid the bear from Yuzu- it is the one good memory she still has of her father before he left her.
What this bear represents is her innermost self, and her vulnerability that she hides from others. The one considerate gift her father ever gave her had become broken and frayed over time, like she has from abuse, and she couldn't find within herself to fix it as the burdens of her life crushed down on her. Mei hasn't been well since, and that's why the bear got more broken over time. It is a reflection of her inner state. And for Yuzu to come along and fix it, like Yuzu did getting her abuser fired, as well as giving her a new family where her feelings are considered and she gets support, is symbolic. Mei is incredulous that it can be real yet she goes with it.
We will see Mei's bear many times at important junctures, such as Yuzu's love confession, as the representation of her innermost wants. When it came to fixing the bear, it had to be Yuzu because she's the person who ruses to stop loving Mei. But that doesn't mean that Mei won't mess things up constantly, believing such love cannot be real for someone like her.
…So they end up fighting again.
To which Mei will openly admit how terrible she is for pushing Yuzu away, which is important to consider when judging her actions.
After their mother gets them a bed to sleep in, Yuzu is understandably unable to separate her romantic and sexual attraction from her intentions to be good to Mei. They're sleeping in the same bed, for fuck’s sake, their transition to being wives is even more real! But Mei stiff arms Yuzu’s wanting to make out with her, instead choosing to sleep on the floor. Yuzu doesn't get it, instead asking Mei why she would kiss her if she didn't like her.
Mei tells Yuzu she was talking rudely and that she did it to shut her up- Mei actually tells Yuzu outright that she uses sexual assault as a weapon to stop people from hurting her. And yeah, Yuzu was hurting her by bringing up the abusive moment she witnessed, which Mei needs to dissociate from, in a hurtful way by suggesting that Mei was enjoying it when she was actually in incredible pain.
And that's really cruel of Mei. She fights like her abuser taught her to, by violating someone's safety and feelings so much that they shut down, and so Yuzu had to go through that. Yet, as bad as what Mei did was, Yuzu didn't shut down, she tried to understand. Mei then tells Yuzu that she's not romantically interested in her and only did it to stop her, and so Yuzu tells her “I see. That you're terrible.”
Mei solemnly agrees “It would seem so.” She can't help lashing out in defense and she openly acknowledges her own horribleness, all of its true. She's no good as the target of another’s affections.
But it's a lie that she's not interested in Yuzu. She's never been so attracted to anyone in her life. But she's scared to let her get too close, so she acts mean instead. Mei knows she's terrible, and for one part she's trying to scare Yuzu away. She's telling Yuzu: why get involved with someone who's so hurt?
The next sequence is dominated by Yuzu’s pushing Mei down and kissing her, as well as other affronts to Mei’s personal space such as with Momo. It all leaves Mei ragged at the edges, and she gets sick because of it.
You might be thinking, it's only fair since Mei did it to Yuzu first, but remember that Yuzu isn't the one who was attacked repeatedly by an abuser with total power to do so. So, it really is wrong of Yuzu to do it. This also leads to a jealous spiral with Momo, who further assaults Mei, trying to seduce her into being her girlfriend. In both cases Mei’s dismay goes unconsidered, and as an abuse survivor it is a blow to Mei's confidence in others.
Now, it's not like Yuzu pushing Mei down is unexpected, she's an inexperienced teenager after all. She really doesn't know anything about love (her words). She went to Mei's office thinking they were going to patch things up, but instead Mei tries to talk down to her for reading naughty manga. Yuzu’s “This is all your fault Mei, for kissing me” is fair, Yuzu hates Mei’s double standards. She put the moves on her in the shower, after all. What's Yuzu supposed to think, that Mei isn't interested? She clearly is. But it still sucks that Yuzu gets so caught up in her own feelings that she takes Mei's autonomy away by forcing her down and kissing her. It's true, it's not all bad, after Yuzu flees, Mei's fingers linger on her lips where Yuzu kissed her, feeling how different that it is when someone she’s actually attracted to kisses her assertively.
Not knowing what to do with herself afterwards, Yuzu retreats to Harumin’s house so she won't have to face Mei at home. Yuzu recognizes that she hurt Mei again, and wants to apologize but can't find the words to do it. Yuzu meets with Himeko who wants to know what went down in the office between them which grants her a bit more insight about Mei: her father left her and the family years ago, and Mei changed for the worse after, taking on the family burden and seeming to suffer while distancing Himeko’s friendship.
Himeko tries to beat up on Yuzu for hurting Mei's feelings but as usual Yuzu sees past the bullshit and walks out instead. She then happens upon Mei on the street, who asks why she hasn't been coming home at night. Yuzu tries to indicate that she can't be there because of Mei, she knows she was bad.
Yet Mei seemingly forgives her- we were shown scenes of Mei looking lonely in the bedroom without Yuzu there- and then for the first time Mei uses Yuzu’s name “Why not? It's where you live, right, Yuzu?” Yuzu has a happy reaction to this- almost “Hey, Adora” esque- and it convinces Yuzu that it's ok to come home. Yuzu obligues. Himeko, witnessing this conversation, finds out they're stepsisters, and living together, thus jumpstarting her jealous attempt at seducing Mei.
That tantalizing and almost healthy kiss
Before we get to that, we need to talk about the best kiss they have up to that point. Yuzu is finally home and crashes on the bed, only to find out Mei snuck under the covers next to her. So now Yuzu is freaking out because technically they're in bed together, apparently Mei isn't planning on sleeping separately.
Seeing Yuzu’s distress, Mei knows she must answer Yuzu's confusion. Yuzu openly shows shame as she faces her, she's about to apologize for forcing the kiss on her when to her surprise Mei brings it up instead. Mei’s words about what happened- don't apologize “Because I think may have pressured you into it as well” shows she doesn't blame Yuzu for getting upset and forgives her. Yet Yuzu apologizes anyways “I shouldn't have done anything without considering how you felt” is exactly right.
When Mei suggests they do something to have closure, Yuzu blushes all but saying she wants to kiss- after all Mei is in front of her and has indicated that she's forgiven. Still, it's surprising when Mei leans in to give her a simple, no nonsense kiss. Poor Yuzu is right to be confused- if that wasn't a make up kiss between two girlfriends she's blind! As soon as it's over, she's expected to go back to hands off- is she her girlfriend or is she not? Is Mei stringing her along? Yeah, but not for the obvious reasons- Mei is too insecure for a real relationship yet. But she IS betting on Yuzu.
We then have Momo’s assault, and as Mei’s oldest friend she's disappointed that Momo would try that on her. Himeko’s “I won't lose her to you” right before in regards to Yuzu is self involved and ignores Mei’s feelings entirely. Himeko goes on to learn to set aside her selfish desires since they keep Mei from being happy.
Now believing she's in competition with Himeko, Yuzu sees her taking Mei to her fathers grave as a chance to get ahead, and as a date. Of course it isn't a date unless both people agree that it is beforehand! Separated on the train, Yuzu fights over to Mei on the train and they end up smashed together tits to tits, and when Mei seems to react sexually to the closeness Yuzu takes liberties yet again, which is another violation of Mei's space. Even though Mei is most guilty of ignoring consent, as an abuse survivor it's important that people ask her for it, which Yuzu didn't do.
Yet later on, Mei yet again flirts with Yuzu at the crepe shop by eating the whip cream off her lips, Mei is one cool character as she does this deliberate tease. As much as she says otherwise, it's obvious she likes Yuzu, she wants Yuzu’s attention and so she does enough to keep her interested.
Yuzu and Mei get closer as family at her fathers grave when Mei realizes Yuzu is like her in how she has struggled with loneliness. She confesses to Yuzu that she's never read her father's letters because she doesn't know if she can ever feel like a daughter again after what he did. But as she does she realizes that she's fortunate that her father is alive, unlike Yuzu. Yuzu promises to help Mei find a way to help her reconnect with her dad. It's a huge relief, stressed out and tired Mei’s walls come down emotionally for Yuzu… and that's when the cold she's been fighting off catches up with her.
The day before, Mei skipped two meals in a row, she skipped dinner after Momo’s assaulting her, and lunch the next day when both Momo and Yuzu try to eat lunch with her, arguing in front of her. She banished both of them, both of them were not considering her feelings in how they've acted and it’s stressing her out, making her sick to her stomach, so again she didn't want to eat. Still, when Yuzu requested her presence for visiting her father, Mei went along.
All of this leads to her later collapse at school. It may have allied her to have an emotional breakthrough with Yuzu after she went to the grave, but she missed multiple meals out of stress, making her catch a cold which she tries to ignore because she believes she cannot to miss the board meeting later in the day. This is the thing with Mei: most of her emotional breakthroughs come when she's exhausted, that's when her walls come down and she acts sincerely.
But it also is what leads to her getting sick and collapsing, that's the other consequence of Momo and Yuzu having run her ragged. Collapsed on the ground because of her cold, she snaps at Momo, telling her she has no idea what real responsibility is- how much she's been carrying. Yuzu scolds her for this- maybe Momo doesn't understand her job and the demands put on her by the adults she has to please at the board meeting, but lashing out solves nothing. Yuzu will make her apologize for this- also, we don't hear anything bad come of it so Momo probably did fine filling in. Mei consistently believes she's more isolated than she actually is.
Fight 3: make no mistake, Mei’s father is still a bad parent.
An important thing to remember about Citrus is that it's not all as one sided as Mei hurting Yuzu, the opposite happens too, in fact Yuzu will bring up the night Mei's father returned as one of her biggest failures. When Mei’s father says he won't return to the academy, and Mei realizes that the burdens she accepted 5 years ago as a mere child really are hers to bear alone, we get the scene of Mei’s attempted seduction and Yuzu slapping her for it. It's a mistake about expectations each of them has and how they don't quite understand each other yet, like Sarah tells Yuzu to do later on.
As Yuzu reaches out for Mei while she's crying facing away from her, she wants to comfort her but doesn't really understand Mei's display of desperate emotion, so she hesitates. She can't fathom the depth of Mei’s pain and all she has bore that lead to it, she doesn't know firsthand what it was like for Mei to be abused by her fiancé in order to ensure the academy's future. Her “When are you going to stop trying to do everything alone” and shocked look when Mei turns to her, her eyes full of tears and betrayal, telling Yuzu she had no choice but to do it, shows how little she knows of Mei’s burden.
Still shocked by the look in Mei's eyes, Yuzu stammers as Mei reaches for her, and then Mei is suddenly kissing her, Yuzu's eyes remain wide as she is still trying to process what that look in Mei's eyes meant. Mei’s words were a glimpse into a world Yuzu has never seen and while she can get there on understanding it, there's no way she can deal with Mei’s sudden emotions, her expectations as she kisses her, the sadness Mei wants her to fill. Mei’s “you’ll be the one who needs me, won't you" is a desperate admission of her loneliness. Mei proceeds to attempt to seduce Yuzu, if Yuzu wants closeness then sex is closeness, right? If Mei can prove herself as a lover then Yuzu will want her, she will have purpose.
As she says “I’m lost, I need someone to accept these feelings”, Yuzu responds “... Oh, Mei” and we are shown a very deliberate shot of Yuzu hugging Mei to her. Mei is tragic and blowing past all restraints due to sadness and is trying to seduce Yuzu, and Yuzu accurately identifies loneliness as the real reason Mei is suddenly kissing her. So, Yuzu hugs her, wanting to give Mei a place to cry out her lonely emotions. So she can heal.
Once again, as Mei becomes tragic we see how intelligently Yuzu responds to it. What Yuzu offers her is real healing, but that's not really what Mei is expecting in this moment. Mei is dissociating from her true feelings, she's desperately seeking to secure some reason to think they're together and she sees sex as a way to secure closeness. Her emotions are way too raw to process gently in Yuzu’s arms, so to say.
Sex seems more tangible to her, once she knows she has Yuzu for sure maybe she can heal bit by bit in her arms, but she can't just cry it out, so to say. Her panic is telling her to get as close to Yuzu as quickly as she can, so she tries to prove herself. She's all bluster as she tells Yuzu that she's good at taking orders- Matsuri calling her a slut has no basis in reality. Mei is good at faking confidence though, and it is true that she will be careful to find how to please Yuzu best, in thanks for being with her. But Yuzu isn't having it.
Yuzu offered her this emotionally healing moment by hugging her, that's what real closeness is. And instead Mei is rushing forward with sex, and that's not real closeness. Yuzu may be a very sexual person but she wants romance, she has expectations of both. What she can't see yet is how desperate Mei is to secure their relationship by closing that distance physically. Both of them have very different expectations of what this moment should be- Mei’s is sex, Yuzu's is to hold Mei as she cries, to get closer, to have Mei tell her more of how she's been burdened so she can support her better.
And so, they fight. And this time, it's really Yuzu who starts a fight. She slaps Mei, telling her “Why can't you think of MY feelings for once?” Of how sex without real closeness isn't what she wants, of how Yuzu wants Mei to be romantic with her before they do that. Mei seducing her lacked all romance, Mei is terrible at being romantically present or seeing Yuzu's feelings. But Yuzu isn't the one who has been abused and crushed by the world, that's Mei. She doesn't understand the place of desperateness Mei was coming from by asking her to be the one who needs her. She can't fathom it yet, she wasn't given a chance to process what Mei just dumped on her.
Yuzu goes on to do everything she can to help Mei get close to her father again, but later during her love confession Yuzu specifically brings up how she hit Mei this day. Proving her devotion to Mei by helping her save her relationship with her father wasn't enough. She fought with Mei that day, she came to blows. And despite her actions helping Mei with her father, it's not closure for how she acted that day.
Yuzu comes to realize that if she really loves Mei she needs to have a better way to solve conflict than fighting, because Mei has had to fight with too many people. It's not wrong of Yuzu to reject Mei’s offer of sex, but it is wrong to hurt Mei when she doesn't even really understand Yuzu’s feelings because Yuzu didn't know how to tell her why what she did was wrong. Slapping Mei was a selfish act on Yuzu's part and being an emotionally intelligent person means doing better than that, Yuzu is still just learning and slapping Mei is a juvenile response not befitting her level of emotional intelligence.
After Yuzu manages to heal the divide between Mei and her father, we get their first real kiss, the only good kiss until Yuzu’s love confession. We get to see just how good it could be before it all goes wrong again.
Mei tells Yuzu how much better she feels now that she and her father can understand each other. She speaks with happiness, something we rarely see Mei do… Yuzu finds herself crying, knowing that Mei isn't hurting anymore, it's a sympathetic reaction. Yuzu hates for others to be hurting and it's not just her romantic interest in Mei that motivates her here, she really is good natured. She feels relieved like Mei must feel relieved, and so she cries in happiness.
Mei sees this, she doesn't quite understand why Yuzu would cry… that these are tears of healing, if not for Yuzu but instead for the feelings she herself must be having. Mei isn't that terrible of a person, she's sympathetic to Yuzu’s hurting healing in this moment and she instinctively wants to comfort her. To give Yuzu a safe space so she can let her emotions out. In this moment, their roles are reversed. One hand comfortingly placed over Yuzu's, their faces are close as Yuzu realizes Mei is caressing her face, wanting to soothe her tears and comfort her.
Their kiss is spontaneous but natural, they are emotionally connecting with each other. Mei’s fingers interlace with Yuzu’s as they do and the kiss lasts. It feels good instead of unnerving on some level for one or both of them, but we see a very different reaction to this revelation when they pull apart.
Yuzu reacts with wonder, she's never really kissed before, not where she was free to enjoy it. This is a brand new experience for her and she celebrates it, so this is what it's supposed to feel like. She sees so many positive possibilities from this moment.
Mei, on the other hand, is also surprised at how different it felt, how good, but you can see in her expression that she's also reeling from a conflict of emotions. She's scared of how vulnerable it makes her feel, how she lost her control in the moment, to have that pleasure make her yearn for something deeper than just kissing or sex. It scares her and you can see this look of worry in her eyes.
As usual, Mei will push Yuzu away, not ready for all of those emotions.
The Matsuri arc
Hey if you've stuck with me so far, thanks. I know it's a lot. Luckily I think we can get through the next few episodes quicker! That way we can get to the real story: Christmas and the love confession! Yay. Really, this whole middle part of this story is about rivals appearing, first a rival for Yuzu’s affection in Matsuri, and then for Mei’s affection in Sarah. We’ll touch on Yuzu’s lonely existence, the Christmas disaster, and hopefully get to the real story quicker.
Matsuri is, actually, a pretty believable character. She's not just a plot device, her desires are well defined and she reveals a lot about Yuzu, and she's not all bad when it's said and done. She's like both Mei and Yuzu in having a lifelong struggle with loneliness, and like Mei in the total neglect her parents showed her. So, she's gone down some bad paths as a totally unsupervised teenager. I actually kinda like her as a character.
She is of course a rival to Mei for Yuzu's affection, and she appears just as Mei is pushing Yuzu away again. That kiss we saw between them was so promising it can be hard to understand why Mei isn't just Yuzu’s girlfriend from then on, but remember that worried look Mei had after they kissed. It's too much too fast for her so she backs Yuzu off. We get Yuzu’s adorable daydream where a half naked Mei tells her she's in love with her- yeah, Yuzu really wants to hear those words, she's a romantic. And then after she wakes up, moments later Mei tells her to get lost- Mei feels she needs to refocus on those things that were always most important to her like her grades and managing the academy, and she gives Yuzu a sad look when she tells her that she might get held back because of her bad grades.
Basically, Mei is a liar- she wants to be in school with Yuzu, and to help her as her girlfriend with her homework. Instead of telling Yuzu this she hits her with the “we're sisters. Consider that our last kiss.” She's not ready for a real relationship, she's still processing. Yuzu is thrown for a loop, and then a rival appears- Marsuri.
We get a lot of inflammatory stuff as Matsuri takes to things like a wrecking ball, including blackmailing Mei into a situation where she might be sexually assaulted again, but we’ll talk about that with Christmas.
What Matsuri really is in need of is some actual fucking human connection, hence Mei's later line to Yuzu when she becomes concerned “Go out with her, she wants to see you. That girl needs you, so you shouldn't let her down”.
Circling all the way back to the day Matsuri shows up in the story; Mei feels dejected after coming home late to find Yuzu still out partying, the house dark and empty. She was planning to compliment Yuzu on her improved grades. I think Mei even planned to flirt with her and crack the door again to maybe more than sisters, yet Yuzu isn't there. It gives her reason to doubt those feelings, and then out on the street she sees Matsuri forcing a kiss on Yuzu and gets jealous instead, leading to her hugging Yuzu from behind in a sexy way and saying “This is normal for sisters, right?” After all, Yuzu calls Matsuri “like a sister” and they were kissing.
We get two pivotal scenes I’d like to talk about before we get to Christmas. One is the flashback we're given about Yuzu befriending Matsuri as a kid, because it gives us a crucial understanding of Yuzu that may not have been obvious. Yuzu has a good mom but she's a single parent that works all of the time, so Yuzu mostly grew up alone. Kinda like Matsuri, making them natural friends. Kinda like Mei. Yuzu has been very lonely most of her life, despite being extroverted she hasn't developed a lot of meaningful relationships. That's a lot like Mei. As it turns out, they both have extreme loneliness in common. It's part of why Yuzu likes Mei as a person- they share this trait, they're both looking for a deeper connection, a real family so to speak. To her, it's obvious they should get together.
Which is our second discussion: as Yuzu shops for Christmas, her best friend Harumin tells her “With all those domestic skills, you'll make a great wife one day" and we see Yuzu take a long inward pause as she considers it. She really, really wants to make a home for Mei. She wants to be a wife, she wants to take care of her partner. Caring for others is what gives Yuzu life. Yuzu wants to have her own family and that family is Mei. She wants to live together with Mei as wives. Mei can be the head of the academy and she’ll be her wife and that all sounds hunky dorey to Yuzu. Yuzu is filled with wifely love at the idea of cultivating this home with Mei.
Briefly covering what goes down with Matsuri, we get to see Mei wield the weapon of sexual violence again when she forces the kiss on Matsuri. She really believes in it, but it doesn't quite work on Matsuri, does it?
This gives us a hint about Mei's experience: she's very sensitive and what her abuser did really hurt her. Given Matsuri and Yuzu's reactions, it's not quite the weapon she thinks it is. Mei is more sensitive than most when it comes to touching, something Matsuri also exploits against her.
Then we have Yuzu sorting out what really happened in no time flat. The second Matsuri reveals her manipulation of putting Mei in danger of sexual assault again, Yuzu comes back at Matsuri saying: "We have to apologize- to the one person who really is thinking about your feelings.” Mei knew Matsuri was desperate like she is and sent Yuzu away, leading to Mei nearly being prostituted. But Yuzu doesn't dwell on her anger towards Matsuri- she immediately heals the situation by making Matsuri apologize to Mei, it's what will make the situation better. And as she does this, Matsuri is pulled along in Yuzu's wake, now seeing how small and pathetic her actions were.
Once things are resolved with Matsuri and they're all headed home on the train we get Mei saying the nicest things about Yuzu. She says “I was always so desperate to be loved”... “but I kept my heart locked up tight and pushed everyone away when they tried to get close. Before I knew it, I was left feeling empty. But, there are certain pushy people in this world who will love you no matter how much you protest. And if we're lucky enough to meet one of them, then even we can end up happy.”
It's a great idea, and it's the true motivation thesis of Mei's actions. She's not evil, she's just scared, and as Yuzu fixes her life, she wants to change, so she can be happy and make Yuzu happy, too. Of course Yuzu is adorably out cold during the best compliment she's ever been given.
Nobody sums up Yuzu's altruistic nature better than Mei does. Even after everything that goes wrong, Yuzu can see Mei’s pain underneath her worst actions and she never gives up on her. Mei had expected her to give up- everyone in her life either abandoned er or only saw her from their own selfish desires, so Mei stopped really believing in love or generosity.
In this moment, exhausted from a day of nearly being forced into sex with a stranger, only to have Yuzu showers her with love, exhausted like she often is, Mei’s walls come down so she can speak truth without her own hurt clouding her. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy for her to let Yuzu in, even after all Yuzu has done. We see that later on Christmas night.
The Christmas Armageddon- why does Mei push Yuzu away again?
Matsuri isn't all bad, she says pivotal things first to Mei, and then to Yuzu about their relationship. As Mei eats the cake Yuzu made for her, Yuzu collapses into her arms, crying for her and telling her to never put herself in harms way like she did again, because “if you get hurt it's going to hurt me and our mom a hundred thousand times more”. She accepts Yuzu’s altruistic nature, that Yuzu’s fear for her wasn't just because she wants her romantically. Yuzu criticizes her for not being straightforward with her, and so Mei reflects on Matsuri’s parting wisdom as they were riding home together “Mei, you could stand to be a lot more direct."
So, tired like she often is, Mei decides to take the leap and try to trust Yuzu with her trauma. Also, notice how moments before she does Yuzu tells Mei to come to her with any problem she has, and in what Mei does next, she sees herself as doing just that, because she yearns for Yuzu desperately. She tells her she's about to be more direct, seductively approaches her. As Yuzu feels Mei’s heart through her boob which she put Yuzu’s hand on (oh boy hurray gay), her words “My heart is about to leap from my chest for you” is as close as Yuzu was going to be to a love confession, but her following words are even more important to set the tone of her actions.
Still with Yuzu’s hand on her boob she tells her “There are things inside me which would thrill you, and some that would terrify you. I need you to understand that much from the very start” is the informed consent on being an emotionally damaged person. She's telling Yuzu that she doesn't even really know her own trauma or when it will come up, but she's willing to dive into a full relationship with Yuzu while still not knowing her own chaos- she's going to freak out from time to time but she'll process those emotions as they come up.
After Yuzu pulls away, not feeling comfortable with the sudden interest from Mei she brings it home again “You forced your way in and helped me process these chaotic emotions I have (about her father and grandfather), so let's do what you want to do- I think I know what that is” is her laying out just how she feels about Yuzu as a person, she respects and admirers her. It seems like just blank seduction again, but Mei is really asking Yuzu for a specific thing: permission to be messy while being in a full relationship with her. Since Mei doesn't even really know the dark corners of her own mind where her traumatic memories hide, it's the best she can do.
Again, Mei wants to get Yuzu as close to her physically as she can, and to be useful to Yuzu as her lover. Also, I think Mei closing the deal with sex is the only way she feels she'll know she can trust Yuzu, after they do it she can curl up in her arms and feel safe.
So, is Yuzu wrong to reject Mei’s offer of sex? Again, of course not, but she is wrong to shut down emotionally like she does. When Mei tells her “yes” when she asks if it's ok to sleep with her, she can tell there's something off with the way Mei looks at her. After pulling back from nearly kissing her, Mei is waiting for Yuzu’s answer, her look is very serious. Mei is thinking “will she take this risk with me?” and she's holding herself back a bit to await the answer. If Yuzu says yes, great. They will spontaneously go all the way and Mei can feel like the sex closed the deal on them being together.
If Yuzu says no, that means Yuzu isn't willing to be in a relationship with someone as messed up as she is, she can't handle it. Again, it's informed consent. Yuzu doesn't quite grasp the magnitude of what Mei is asking her for, and when she says no, Mei slams the door to her heart she had offered to open to Yuzu, seemingly for good after she ghosts Yuzu all of January leading up to the school trip. Mei goes back to believing that Yuzu can never really understand someone that's been hurt like she has, and it’ll take Yuzu’s most open and vulnerable love confession to convince her otherwise.
For Yuzu, she rejects Mei out of her own reasonable romantic expectations, yet again. It's not the fairy tale ending she's read in her manga so she gets scared. There's no slow build, no romance in how Mei is suddenly asking her to sleep with her. Yuzu doesn't want sex without all of the other things, the little, tender moments. Without those shared joys, Yuzu is scared the relationship won't be strong enough to survive the bumps in the road.
Yuzu will reflect on this expectation, and how she isn't thinking about Mei's feelings and how she might not be available to be romantic in that moment because of her own hang ups. And how as the non traumatized one, she needs to make more space for Mei’s feelings. That's what being a good partner means for someone like her. Once again, The Christmas Armageddon is all about how they had different expectations, and weren't really understanding each other. Yuzu needs to think about Mei's feelings more if this is going to work, and how Mei feels too broken to do so back in kind.
Kyoto Sarah Arc 💋
Yuzu really knows she's in the doghouse when she wakes up the morning of the trip and Mei ghosted her so she’ll miss the train. A month has gone by and Yuzu hasn't been able to figure out why Mei has gone total Ice Queen on her. How Mei tried to tell her that she was broken inside but would try to be with her anyways. For Yuzu, she feels like she didn't even really do anything to be in the doghouse in the first place, if Mei was serious about being with her she should have had other chances, they could have done the slow build. Why did Mei shut down on her instead?
Yuzu is really smart, but it's not without some help from her friends that she's able to figure out how to get through to Mei. Sarah will later tell her that she and Mei are alike, they are both scared little girls trying to protect their hearts. Mei is scared that someone like Yuzu will never be able to understand her trauma, that she's too broken to ever be with anyone. So she shuts the doors to her heart to protect herself but I also believe to protect Yuzu from what she feels is a lost cause- herself. Yuzu has to come to understand these things about Mei in order to be with her.
I've said Matsuri isn't a bad person, and she really comes to Yuzu’s rescue with one of the best lines in the series “If you want to be with someone, then you have to consider their feelings”. It's not that Yuzu’s expectations of romance are wrong, it's that she places those expectations on Mei that's wrong, because Mei isn't her. Yuzu is totally in love with Mei, she wants to be with her. What does being with Mei look like when Mei has emotional damage? How does making it work with Mei go, if Yuzu isn't scared and trying to ‘protect her own heart’?
Yuzu comes to realize that to have Mei she's got to set her expectations aside and accept whatever comes next because Mei believes she's too broken to be with her. Those feelings of brokenness prevent Mei from having the same romantic dream as Yuzu. She has to understand Mei’s feelings as well as say her own feelings to Mei in a way that Mei can understand them. Nothing less than her most vulnerable love confession will do this, that's what it's going to take for Mei to understand that Yuzu sees how scared she is and is still choosing to be with her.
Now, we of course get a rival for Mei’s affections, but it's not that serious. I like Sarah. I think she's fun, I really do. And I think that she's a plot device is a bit too obvious. But we do need her to be in the story for Mei’s most important line leading up to the confession: “Tell me whether or not you need me.”
This line echoes Mei's earlier lines and has everything to do with Mei’s feelings that she's too broken to be loved. She wants someone to tell her that she's useful for a purpose, that's something she knows she can believe in. Her whole life before meeting Yuzu was how she felt she had to be the heir because that's what she believed having purpose looked like. But love is not so simple as being needed for a job you can fill, yet Yuzu will know to say those exact words,“I need you” to Mei during her confession.
I realize Mei’s behavior in ep10-12 can be hard to understand, Yuzu says it outright “Maybe she really is done with me”. But rest assured the whole time Mei is hoping against all odds that she can be with Yuzu, she just doesn't see how her wish can come true. Yuzu is what she wants, she just doesn't feel good enough about herself to be with her. How do we know this? We can look at Mei’s bear, her external representation of her feelings.
This bear is so important in the anime that it appears during their confession kiss scene, and it appears here a couple more revealing times. The first is when Mei goes to the relationship shrine, she secludes herself as best she can to ask for guidance on how to be with Yuzu. She holds her bear in the crook of her fingers while she prays for guidance. Mei is very much thinking about Yuzu, but she’s stuck on what she can do to make things better after ruining it all yet again.
The second time is when she's getting ready for bed, she has tucked her bear into a little futon she has for him. This is mostly just a soft moment for us, but I think it's important because I believe what we’re being shown is Mei doing self care.
She doesn't know what to do with her life or how to be with Yuzu, but she can make her bear’s life a little better, so she does. She's taking a moment to show the representation of her innermost self some comfort. When she feels so far away from Yuzu emotionally, she comforts herself by taking care of the bear Yuzu put back together for her. Like her soul- Yuzu has helped her put back together her inner self, by confronting her abuser, rescuing from her grandfather's home, and reuniting her with her dad. Being with Yuzu is absolutely all that's on Mei’s mind.
Before we really get to the kiss, let's dwell a bit on Yuzu's emotional journey of letting go of her romantic expectations and confusion over sisterly love. Yuzu recognizes in Mei that she needs love and support aside from Yuzu’s self interest of pursuing her romantically, so Yuzu at first approaches Mei outside the hotel offering that. Mei counters her “Tell me how you really feel about me.” And Yuzu chokes, she wasn't expecting Mei to confront her on why she actually cares so much, and Mei is being frigid and stoic as she does. Yuzu is so scared of Mei’s scorn that she doesn't see how Mei is asking for her true feelings, like we see her confess during their kiss.
That Yuzu has been in the doghouse the last month, not really knowing why, has her on edge such that Mei's guarded response throws her. But, as I mentioned above, Yuzu didn't see how Mei opened herself up to Yuzu that night about her trauma and how hard being in a relationship would be, but that she would do it. Largely, Yuzu misses these cues because of her own romantic expectations blocking her from seeing Mei’s emotions.
It's so bad that Matsuri, the person who told her to think about Mei's feelings, nearly calls Yuzu to ask if she's gotten Mei to be her girlfriend yet. But the whole time episodes 10-12 are going on we’re hearing Yuzu process her romantic expectations against Mei’s needs. Shes intuitive and smart like few people are about emotions, and knowing this Matsuri elects to not call her. “She’ll figure it out, this is Yuzu we’re talking about.”
We get a couple more meetings of the lovers along the way, such as in Mei’s hotel room hiding under the covers. At this point in the story Yuzu has recognized that she’s in love with Mei and that being with her is worth it, but hasn't found the words yet. Nestled together under the covers to hide from Momo, Yuzu first hugs Mei, like she always does, wanting that closeness.
Mei reacts to it, she's very vulnerable having Yuzu so close. These are the kinds of hugs Mei needs to really heal her emotions- to melt into Yuzu's embrace. Yet Mei isn't sure Yuzu can handle being her girlfriend. Seeing Mei fighting against this, of hugging or crying or melting into her sexually (Mei wants all of the above) Yuzu decides that maybe she can convince Mei sexually, she kisses her neck, Mei pushes her away. Again, not what Mei really wants in that moment.
She's not feeling at all safe with Yuzu, she doesn't feel like she can trust her with her desires and her traumas all at once, so Yuzu trying to seduce her through her sexual yearning is a violation of her personal space and her wants. Yuzu still isn't understanding what Mei needs, after a little fight she's kicked to the curb yet again, which sets her up for her confession.
The Kiss- Yuzu gets what she wants, after making sure Mei gets what she needs, that is.
How adorable is this whole sequence, neh? From Mei running away from Yuzu trying to talk to her, too scared to let herself have romantic feelings after constantly messing everything up. To Yuzu’s telling her that she doesn't understand her, her chaos, how she desires her one second, then pushes her away, then gets all clingy and fragile. To Yuzu trying to jump the steps to catch up to Mei, and Mei having to break her fall for her. To the bear, Mei being too emotionally fragile to act on her feelings in that moment. To Yuzu telling her she wants a kiss from Mei. It's one of the most emotionally raw moments in media you can find.
Every bit of Yuzu's emotional intelligence and journey through her own emotions to understand what Mei wants, needs, to be with her is on display during this sequence. Having finally pinned Mei down in the gayest way possible, Yuzu starts by bringing up how she failed to think about Mei’s feelings on Christmas, and then goes on to say how realizes that when she struck Mei on the night of her fathers return she was wrong to fight with her- because as her lover she needs to be the one person Mei doesn't have to fight with. As an abuse survivor, Mei has been fighting nonstop for the last 5 plus years, and Yuzu must never be a source of violence like that.
Then she tells her she's in love with her, and that she’ll always need her. Mei didn't need to ask to find out if it was true, Yuzu was able to figure out that Mei was worrying about it with her raw emotional intelligence.
But nothing compares to how earnestly Yuzu confesses her love, and then closes her eyes to wait to see if Mei feels the same way by kissing her. Once she’s awaiting Mei’s answer, there is no fear in Yuzu as she does, she's found total peace. Before, Yuzu was afraid to be with Mei and have it not go well, to have it end with her getting her heart broken, and Mei could sense that fear.
But there's no fear now as she straddles Mei with her eyes closed, softening her face and lips and waiting to be kissed. If Mei rejects her, she’ll accept it with dignity. If Mei kisses her, that's ok too. Yuzu has let go of all of her expectations so Mei is free to choose without having to feel pressured about hurting Yuzu’s feelings if she feels she has to confirm Yuzu’s worst fears and reject her.
Yuzu's peacefulness allows Mei the chance to consider her answer without freaking out. A long time passes, and we see on Mei’s face that the answer is yes- she's in love with Yuzu, too. But she gets scared when she tries to reach for Yuzu to kiss her, love is too vulnerable. She looks for a way, all as Yuzu patiently waits, to tell her yes but that she needs to take it slow and not just dive in all at once.
So she uses her bear, the representation of her innermost self, that which Yuzu fixed for her, to kiss her. It's a really cute moment, and as Yuzu looks at Mei’s blushing shyness past the bear at her lips, she gets that Mei is saying yes while also asking for time. But, the answer is yes. Mei wants her, in the romantic way she wants her to, but is scared.
And Yuzu thinks that's okay. But Yuzu knows she deserves a kiss after all her hard work, so she reaches for Mei who is too shy to do it “Thanks, but I want one from you”. Yuzu kisses her with love and thanks and desire, and Mei kisses back with relief and desire but she's still scared and you can see the pain from that. But their kiss lasts a long time as Mei melts into it. It was okay for Yuzu to ask for what she wants here, Mei loved that kiss.
That fear is something Mei will work on now that she's with Yuzu. As they walk back to the station to meet Sarah, Yuzu looks satisfied and content with her world, while Mei looks anxious about the path ahead of her and learning to be with Yuzu romantically.
Conclusion
And that's all, right? Easy peasy…
Well no. Citrus isn't a complete story, and Mei's journey of becoming better has just begun. I'm not sure she's even gotten there in the manga, certainly not the anime. Which is ok.
But make no mistake that the author deliberately chose Mei as a character to tell a story about a traumatized person with PTSD getting a chance to be better, and Yuzu is the charming means to tell that story. She's the best bean, the most heartwarming and sweet character that wins all of our hearts over. She's genius level when it comes to reading other's emotions, and we should all be so lucky to know a Yuzu in our lives, but few will ever be so fortunate.
Think of how lucky every friend Yuzu has is to know her- Matsuri, Sara, Harumin, she makes everything better. Mei is just the most notable case of receiving Yuzu's love. And boy does she need it.
Mei has a ways to go yet, but I think one example of her being considerate of Yuzu's feelings is how she refuses to say she loves Yuzu back after Yuzu asks her to, instead saying that they're dating. You might be thinking that was a big letdown! Instead, think of how carefully Mei is treating their relationship.
Mei knows she loves Yuzu back but she's not going to say it if she can't be totally genuine when she's a mess of emotions at the moment. Sara telling her to hold Yuzu's hand was already a big step she felt, but I think she shows even greater maturity and growth with her immediate acceptance when Yuzu's ask that they kiss again, because it's my favorite kiss. The confession kiss was great but Mei is still afraid then, so it was a bit painful to watch. But when they kiss again, she's doing it with no fear, she's in the moment. They both relaxed and enjoyed it.
It's probably not that simple, Mei is still holding back in all their later interactions but she was able to kiss Yuzu like she was her girlfriend then without all the PTSD getting in the way. It's a big start in the right direction, and things will continue getting better.
In a lot of ways Mei is deep down a good person, I really think that, however she is a Japanese woman and that does make her flawed. She doesn't like big displays of affection and she doesn't like showing affection in public- which is very Japanese, and also very reasonable. But she does want to be in love and do that stuff with Yuzu. Luckily she shows that in their final moments together.
The school trip is over and it's back to school, and as she's walking with Yuzu, Yuzu asks to hold her hand. Which at first she rejects, because see above. Yet she thinks better of it and takes Yuzu's hand after all. Which is a huge display of public affection, she's announcing it to the whole school.
But as we're shown in those moments Mei looks strengthened by it. You can see on her face how hard her job is, every second is work as the heir and president of the school, yet Mei feels more steadfast doing it with Yuzu as her girlfriend. She knows she's stronger with Yuzu by her side, it's a subtle expression but it's there- Yuzu gives her strength, and she's ready to show that to the whole world.
If you liked this post, please help with a 💞 reblogg 💞 if you can, let's make the world a little better together!! The world needs good vibes maybe more now than ever, so let's spread it around! Thank you lots.
I promise more to come on this lovely show, and as always, let me know if you have questions in the comments and the asks!
-EtheriaDearie
[Postscript]
Still, the question may be why I wrote this several years after the show. I told a mutual that I was interested in the show and she proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions hoping I could help her understand Mei better. She said I was very helpful and so I decided to go ahead and write this. So dear mutual, when you read this, Heeeey! Hope you're having a lovely day. 🤗😁
Hello, longtime She-ra meta writer here. Which is why you're probably wondering, why the sudden interest in Citrus? Well-!!!
Citrus, like She-ra, is one of the few animated shows to directly take being a childhood abuse survivor. And like She-ra, it's carefully drawn to show the emotions the characters experience. And last, like She-ra, it's constantly misinterpreted and often accused of romanticizing abuse, which it doesn't! But all of this means it's a great series that could use a deeper look. Stick with me for this tell-all as we go through the evidence and I promise to dispel many of the toxic myths about this relatively brilliant anime!
So, what's Citrus-? 🧸
Citrus is a widely available wlw saphhic love story between a very abused woman (Mei) and a highly empathetic woman (Yuzu) who is in love with Mei and wishes to help her.
Mei is a very hurtful person, including towards Yuzu, she constantly acts out her trauma, and ruins any chance of romance. Our protagonists story, Yuzu, is about emotional intelligence and empathy. We get to follow along in Yuzu's head as she goes through a series of adorable gay panics as she tries to figure Mei out.
Yuzu does this out of her own free will, generously, because she wants to, and the intelligence we’re shown as she does this is what makes this story so important to people who have been hurt like Mei has. For people like us, it gives hope that people really are out there who can understand us, and will choose to love us past the trauma that controls us.
And how would someone do that? They'd do it like Yuzu does with Mei- in Citrus!
::TW: abuse, sexual abuse, childhood neglect, etc etc
For Mei, seeing that Yuzu does this makes it an important story about belief and healing. Mei doesn't believe such love can be real, having been a neglected child and subjected to sexual abuse while having heavy responsibility forced on her as only a child. The story is really about how Yuzu uses her own personal strength and love to help someone like Mei who was forced into a position where she became emotionally damaged- we get to see what it looks like for someone who has a lot of love to give help us. It's also a really cute show full of tons of fun and cute moments!!
The story has many exciting twists and turns, from Mei's initial violence towards Yuzu in response to Yuzu making light of how her abuser was hurting her, to her continued lashing out to resist Yuzu’s attempts at loving her, to Yuzu's inward battle against her preconceptions of what romance is and deciding to be with Mei because she's in love with her, as flawed as Mei may be. Jealous rivals interject and much drama occurs, before a very heartwarming conclusion that is hard fought.
So, here's a few major questions we will be answering:
Why does Yuzu fall so deeply in love with Mei early on, when Mei behaves abusively towards her?
What is the significance of Mei's torn teddy bear, which Yuzu heals for her and which prominently appears during the climax of the series as Mei accepts Yuzu's love?
What is “sisterly love”, and why does Yuzu constantly fall back on it to try to explain her emotions of love towards Mei, only seeing past it to the true romantic love she means to say towards the end?
If you like this series, I hope to connect with you here ❤️
Please keep reading, we will mostly touch on the high points, such as when they fight or kiss, explaining the rest of the story in relation to these snares and successes in their relationship.
This means we will be talking about some very emotionally charged subjects: please be aware that we will be talking about sexual abuse, PTSD and abusiveness, about child neglect and its effects, and about lashing out as a misguided form of self protection due to being hurt. We will also be talking about the sexy feelings which both Mei and Yuzu have, so I hope that it will be a fun aside to discussions about abuse.
This is one of the best things about Citrus: we are given a wlw couple that are canon from the opening credits, the series is all about their romantic love and struggles with a brilliantly beautiful conclusion. When so many wlw anime shy away from allowing the characters to kiss, Citrus dives right in to give us a exciting and complicated story that's delivered well.
It's not all fun and games, just as life tends to be, Yuzu and Mei struggle against specters of violence that haunt our real life societies. Citrus is not bashful about confronting real issues, and yet their relationship is quite fun and rewarding aside from or maybe because of the realness we’re shown.
A couple notes: I am reviewing the English dub of Citrus, it is very well done, but from what I can tell only varies slightly from the Japanese sub. I haven't had the luxury of reading the whole manga yet but have a basic understanding of its differences, however I will treat the anime as stand alone, with their future being wives.
Lastly, like She-ra, we’ll be using the emotions we see on Mei and Yuzu’s faces alongside their dialogue to know what they're thinking throughout the series. I can't show every frame my analysis is based on, but please do refer to the pictures I can provide, and watch the scenes yourselves! If there's something I didn't answer, let me know and I will address it!!
Fight #1: the incredibly abusive kiss Mei forced on Yuzu that we all need to talk about.
That this scene is the first “intimate” interaction between the two of them threw me for a loop. I had to stop and check that A.) the series is written by a woman (it is) and B.) Mei isn't a sadist (she not, phew) before continuing. The scene is scary, Yuzu’s distress is graphically shown. So what really happens? Why does Mei attack her? And how come Yuzu responds by looking to help Mei, rather than shutting down due to the trauma of what was done to her? Let's discuss, and we’ll cover the rest of ep1 as we do.
:: Yuzu is already feeling pretty salty when they enter the bedroom. What Mei did to her at school, basically groping her under the guise of confiscating her phone, was wrong. Seriously, if anything like this happens to you, even if you think the other person did it because they're hurt, even if you think it was hot and is awakening new gay feelings™️ in you, make sure you atleast have a support network that's aware of what's going on. And yes, it does raise curious feelings in Yuzu, that she might like a woman touching her, but it was still wrong.
Back to the bedroom, Yuzu starts by making an attempt to be civil even though she's suspicious. That Mei gives her the cold shoulder, hiding the all important bear from her, refusing to speak to her, makes Yuzu jump to the conclusion that Mei is a ‘mean girl’. That she gets off on it.
Not actually the case. Again, Yuzu jumped to that conclusion without thinking, which is beneath her as an empathy genius. So, she gets snide, she needles Mei about what she saw her doing with their teacher. It's very “popular girl mean talk” which is what's so throwing about Yuzu at first: she gives off some of those vibes. Concerned with looks, consumer fashion and makeup, she wants to be rich. But those are not the core of Yuzu, it's just what she expects Highschool life to be. What she really is is a highly intelligent and empathetic person. Her behavior here is wrong.
The snide way Yuzu is talking to Mei about the abuse Mei just suffered is what's so upsetting to Mei, and then when she suggests that “I totally get it. You make out with him in the open because knowing you might get caught makes it even hotter. Now if you ask me, I bet that kiss was your first. So what was it like, anyway? I always pictured it to be really magical- ” (etc.) when in fact Mei was having a traumatic experience, is what causes her to attack Yuzu.
That's where Mei’s violence comes from as she attacks Yuzu. Yuzu hasn't figured out yet that the expression she was seeing on Mei’s face as her abuser kissed her was that of intense physical and emotional pain, she was trying to dissociate while trapped in agony. And Yuzu is making light of that pain, something she has no experience with. And as she does, she's making Mei relive the pain she's so desperate to disassociate from all over again, which makes her desperate to get Yuzu to stop talking because it's hurting her.
So, she does what her abuser has done to her time and time again, which shut down her ability to fight back against him by overwhelming her, to stop Yuzu and so she will know what it's like to be powerless and in pain. She does to Yuzu what has been done to her. Afterwards as she stands up, she angrily tells Yuzu “It felt like THAT. Magical enough for you?”
As she does, we’re shown her face in black shadow. But this is for suspense- Yuzu was able to see the sadness and pain on Mei's face that she has been carrying day and day again as the man who she was betrothed to for financial gain has had free license to abuse her.
What could Yuzu possibly know about her pain, she's saying. And as traumatic as what she does to Yuzu, we see that Yuzu doesn't totally shut down. Not like Mei had to do to dissociate and survive the abuse, no Yuzu's senses are wide open. She's looking for the reason Mei attacked her, sensing her anguish, and she will go on to find its source so she can help her.
This is not the reaction of someone who is in dissociation due to trauma, Yuzu took the hit and kept processing. If anything, what Mei does to her sharpens Yuzu’s senses, not the opposite- even while Yuzu is struggling against shutting down from the violation of it. Being attacked was horrifying, and what Mei was very upsetting. Yet it's the first time Yuzu has encountered trauma in another person, she's trying to understand it, and her empathy towards Mei is what's in control.
That about sums it up, Yuzu has begun her struggle with her new realization that she's gay and attracted to Mei, but that's not as important as how she goes on to call out Mei’s abuser and get him fired, the engagement rescinded as well. And it really really helps Mei, she's never seen anyone come to her aid.
Which sets up our second fight- at Grandpa’s house.
After Yuzu’s calling out Mei’s abuser in front of the school to get him fired, Mei is forced to return to her grandfather's house, which she obeys out of duty. And Yuzu has a notion of this, which Mei teases her about “Are you going to save me from my mean old grandfather?” Mei seldom smiles but she does here, Yuzu’s care for her tickles her heartstrings. But it must be fake, others helping her and love is a lie in Mei’s experience. But Yuzu comes to see her at the mansion anyway.
In the bedroom at her grandfather's house, Yuzu tries to cut past the bullshit, imploring Mei to leave while listing out how she sees that Mei works hard for the school yet gets hurt for it. She doesn't understand how powerless Mei has really been, that duty and honor controlled her and made her go along with the engagement her grandfather so coldly made for her. That she put up with the abuse out of duty. So Mei flies at Yuzu in a rage, who speaks like she knows how difficult it is when she does not.
Mei is in full trauma flashback as she does, all of the powerlessness she had of knowing her abuser could attack her whenever he wanted and that she had to put up with it for the family wells up all at once. She's no longer really seeing what's in front of her, she's just repeating what was done to her to Yuzu, who's doing her best to fight back. But as she attacks Yuzu and Yuzu thinks she's about to be traumatized, all of Mei’s hurt and anguish pours down on Yuzu as tears of sadness. Yuzu’s eyes flare with understanding as she feels their warmth on her skin. She manages to hold Mei’s arms at bay and pull her close “I'm here, I'm right here!”.
Yuzu's response to Mei’s attacking her out of pain is to hug her close, something we’ll see time and time again. This is an empathetically intelligent choice Yuzu makes because she really is that exceptional of a person, she’ll help Mei even if it's hard. Just like that, this stops Mei- she's no longer in a traumatic flashback. Yuzu hugging her is such a new experience that Mei is lost on how to respond, she's not used to receiving empathy.
This healing would have gone further but their grandfather interrupts them and blames it all on Yuzu who's partially underdressed from Mei attacking her. Which sucks for them both, but Yuzu’s hugging Mei starts Mei thinking that Yuzu might actually get her, even though Yuzu has no idea what it is to be abused like she has, Yuzu at some subconscious level can tell what Mei is feeling, and hugged her in response…
Sisterly Love, and what that's really about
This begins a long period of reflection for Yuzu and her relationship to Mei. She went to the manor to help Mei, but was forced from the room by an enraged grandfather as Mei sat despondent on the bed. Why does she end up hurting Mei instead of helping her? It's not that she did, Mei needed exactly what Yuzu offered, the hug she gave her. And Yuzu realizes she's in love for the first time.
But that's where sisterly love comes in, because we immediately hear Yuzu fall back on this concept to try to explain her love. This is because it's an odd sort of love, so far. Yuzu feels an intense desire to comfort and protect Mei. She feels this way because of her romantic feelings, but so far that's still not clear to her. She thinks it might be a sisterly thing.
This kind of care, protectiveness is often depicted in anime, of the older sister’s love for their younger siblings. This is a natural kind of love, a familial love- so it confuses Yuzu because this kind of love is not intrinsically a kind of romantic love. But it can be, as romantic love IS a kind of familial love because lovers become found family. She knows Mei has been in a desperate place and that she needs her support, like an older sister (which she now technically is) would provide.
Yuzu also considers that maybe because of Mei's desperate situation, that's what she should be focusing on, how her empathy can support Mei getting past being hurt. She's not wrong to think this, but Yuzu doesn't understand that her protective feelings come from her romantic interest yet, so it fries her circuits. She wants to be good to Mei but can't separate her protective instinct from romantic desire, she will struggle with this right up until the end and during her love confession.
What Yuzu can't see yet is that her protectiveness towards Mei isn't sisterly love, it's wifely love.
Yuzu and Mei get their chance to get closer when their grandfather becomes ill. Yuzu finding him as such when she was about to confront him about her expulsion brings them together as a family, and he will have to accept her as a granddaughter. And it helps Mei to accept Yuzu's generous nature as genuine. She decides to go back to living with Yuzu's mother and her, irregardless of Yuzu’s telling her to choose her own happiness. Yuzu's happy hug at the hospital catches Mei by surprise but she doesn't fight it.
I also like that Mei's grandfather tells Mei to live her own life, make her own choices knowing full well that Mei may have gay feelings for Yuzu. He was initially homophobic seeming, but at least in the anime, he’s able to recognize what Mei wants and separate that from the flawed expectations he put on her that have hurt her so much. In this timeline, it makes me think Mei is going to be ok, although I think this story may differ slightly from the manga.
So she gets his blessing to live in Yuzu's home. Mei is making a choice to accept her and Yuzu's mother as family, when she gets home she's further taken aback by Yuzu's mother's genuine hug and happiness to have her back. She wants to accept that maybe this isn't fake after all. She even lets Yuzu fix her bear- at first, she is of course affronted, telling Yuzu not to touch her stuff. But, her bear was something she couldn't fix on her own. She's thankful to Yuzu even if she can't say it out loud.
Mei, the paragon of adult responsibility in a teenager, lacked the ability and executive function to sow her bear back together properly, and Yuzu is welcoming her home by doing a superb job of it. Mei hid the bear from Yuzu- it is the one good memory she still has of her father before he left her.
What this bear represents is her innermost self, and her vulnerability that she hides from others. The one considerate gift her father ever gave her had become broken and frayed over time, like she has from abuse, and she couldn't find within herself to fix it as the burdens of her life crushed down on her. Mei hasn't been well since, and that's why the bear got more broken over time. It is a reflection of her inner state. And for Yuzu to come along and fix it, like Yuzu did getting her abuser fired, as well as giving her a new family where her feelings are considered and she gets support, is symbolic. Mei is incredulous that it can be real yet she goes with it.
We will see Mei's bear many times at important junctures, such as Yuzu's love confession, as the representation of her innermost wants. When it came to fixing the bear, it had to be Yuzu because she's the person who ruses to stop loving Mei. But that doesn't mean that Mei won't mess things up constantly, believing such love cannot be real for someone like her.
…So they end up fighting again.
To which Mei will openly admit how terrible she is for pushing Yuzu away, which is important to consider when judging her actions.
After their mother gets them a bed to sleep in, Yuzu is understandably unable to separate her romantic and sexual attraction from her intentions to be good to Mei. They're sleeping in the same bed, for fuck’s sake, their transition to being wives is even more real! But Mei stiff arms Yuzu’s wanting to make out with her, instead choosing to sleep on the floor. Yuzu doesn't get it, instead asking Mei why she would kiss her if she didn't like her.
Mei tells Yuzu she was talking rudely and that she did it to shut her up- Mei actually tells Yuzu outright that she uses sexual assault as a weapon to stop people from hurting her. And yeah, Yuzu was hurting her by bringing up the abusive moment she witnessed, which Mei needs to dissociate from, in a hurtful way by suggesting that Mei was enjoying it when she was actually in incredible pain.
And that's really cruel of Mei. She fights like her abuser taught her to, by violating someone's safety and feelings so much that they shut down, and so Yuzu had to go through that. Yet, as bad as what Mei did was, Yuzu didn't shut down, she tried to understand. Mei then tells Yuzu that she's not romantically interested in her and only did it to stop her, and so Yuzu tells her “I see. That you're terrible.”
Mei solemnly agrees “It would seem so.” She can't help lashing out in defense and she openly acknowledges her own horribleness, all of its true. She's no good as the target of another’s affections.
But it's a lie that she's not interested in Yuzu. She's never been so attracted to anyone in her life. But she's scared to let her get too close, so she acts mean instead. Mei knows she's terrible, and for one part she's trying to scare Yuzu away. She's telling Yuzu: why get involved with someone who's so hurt?
The next sequence is dominated by Yuzu’s pushing Mei down and kissing her, as well as other affronts to Mei’s personal space such as with Momo. It all leaves Mei ragged at the edges, and she gets sick because of it.
You might be thinking, it's only fair since Mei did it to Yuzu first, but remember that Yuzu isn't the one who was attacked repeatedly by an abuser with total power to do so. So, it really is wrong of Yuzu to do it. This also leads to a jealous spiral with Momo, who further assaults Mei, trying to seduce her into being her girlfriend. In both cases Mei’s dismay goes unconsidered, and as an abuse survivor it is a blow to Mei's confidence in others.
Now, it's not like Yuzu pushing Mei down is unexpected, she's an inexperienced teenager after all. She really doesn't know anything about love (her words). She went to Mei's office thinking they were going to patch things up, but instead Mei tries to talk down to her for reading naughty manga. Yuzu’s “This is all your fault Mei, for kissing me” is fair, Yuzu hates Mei’s double standards. She put the moves on her in the shower, after all. What's Yuzu supposed to think, that Mei isn't interested? She clearly is. But it still sucks that Yuzu gets so caught up in her own feelings that she takes Mei's autonomy away by forcing her down and kissing her. It's true, it's not all bad, after Yuzu flees, Mei's fingers linger on her lips where Yuzu kissed her, feeling how different that it is when someone she’s actually attracted to kisses her assertively.
Not knowing what to do with herself afterwards, Yuzu retreats to Harumin’s house so she won't have to face Mei at home. Yuzu recognizes that she hurt Mei again, and wants to apologize but can't find the words to do it. Yuzu meets with Himeko who wants to know what went down in the office between them which grants her a bit more insight about Mei: her father left her and the family years ago, and Mei changed for the worse after, taking on the family burden and seeming to suffer while distancing Himeko’s friendship.
Himeko tries to beat up on Yuzu for hurting Mei's feelings but as usual Yuzu sees past the bullshit and walks out instead. She then happens upon Mei on the street, who asks why she hasn't been coming home at night. Yuzu tries to indicate that she can't be there because of Mei, she knows she was bad.
Yet Mei seemingly forgives her- we were shown scenes of Mei looking lonely in the bedroom without Yuzu there- and then for the first time Mei uses Yuzu’s name “Why not? It's where you live, right, Yuzu?” Yuzu has a happy reaction to this- almost “Hey, Adora” esque- and it convinces Yuzu that it's ok to come home. Yuzu obligues. Himeko, witnessing this conversation, finds out they're stepsisters, and living together, thus jumpstarting her jealous attempt at seducing Mei.
That tantalizing and almost healthy kiss
Before we get to that, we need to talk about the best kiss they have up to that point. Yuzu is finally home and crashes on the bed, only to find out Mei snuck under the covers next to her. So now Yuzu is freaking out because technically they're in bed together, apparently Mei isn't planning on sleeping separately.
Seeing Yuzu’s distress, Mei knows she must answer Yuzu's confusion. Yuzu openly shows shame as she faces her, she's about to apologize for forcing the kiss on her when to her surprise Mei brings it up instead. Mei’s words about what happened- don't apologize “Because I think may have pressured you into it as well” shows she doesn't blame Yuzu for getting upset and forgives her. Yet Yuzu apologizes anyways “I shouldn't have done anything without considering how you felt” is exactly right.
When Mei suggests they do something to have closure, Yuzu blushes all but saying she wants to kiss- after all Mei is in front of her and has indicated that she's forgiven. Still, it's surprising when Mei leans in to give her a simple, no nonsense kiss. Poor Yuzu is right to be confused- if that wasn't a make up kiss between two girlfriends she's blind! As soon as it's over, she's expected to go back to hands off- is she her girlfriend or is she not? Is Mei stringing her along? Yeah, but not for the obvious reasons- Mei is too insecure for a real relationship yet. But she IS betting on Yuzu.
We then have Momo’s assault, and as Mei’s oldest friend she's disappointed that Momo would try that on her. Himeko’s “I won't lose her to you” right before in regards to Yuzu is self involved and ignores Mei’s feelings entirely. Himeko goes on to learn to set aside her selfish desires since they keep Mei from being happy.
Now believing she's in competition with Himeko, Yuzu sees her taking Mei to her fathers grave as a chance to get ahead, and as a date. Of course it isn't a date unless both people agree that it is beforehand! Separated on the train, Yuzu fights over to Mei on the train and they end up smashed together tits to tits, and when Mei seems to react sexually to the closeness Yuzu takes liberties yet again, which is another violation of Mei's space. Even though Mei is most guilty of ignoring consent, as an abuse survivor it's important that people ask her for it, which Yuzu didn't do.
Yet later on, Mei yet again flirts with Yuzu at the crepe shop by eating the whip cream off her lips, Mei is one cool character as she does this deliberate tease. As much as she says otherwise, it's obvious she likes Yuzu, she wants Yuzu’s attention and so she does enough to keep her interested.
Yuzu and Mei get closer as family at her fathers grave when Mei realizes Yuzu is like her in how she has struggled with loneliness. She confesses to Yuzu that she's never read her father's letters because she doesn't know if she can ever feel like a daughter again after what he did. But as she does she realizes that she's fortunate that her father is alive, unlike Yuzu. Yuzu promises to help Mei find a way to help her reconnect with her dad. It's a huge relief, stressed out and tired Mei’s walls come down emotionally for Yuzu… and that's when the cold she's been fighting off catches up with her.
The day before, Mei skipped two meals in a row, she skipped dinner after Momo’s assaulting her, and lunch the next day when both Momo and Yuzu try to eat lunch with her, arguing in front of her. She banished both of them, both of them were not considering her feelings in how they've acted and it’s stressing her out, making her sick to her stomach, so again she didn't want to eat. Still, when Yuzu requested her presence for visiting her father, Mei went along.
All of this leads to her later collapse at school. It may have allied her to have an emotional breakthrough with Yuzu after she went to the grave, but she missed multiple meals out of stress, making her catch a cold which she tries to ignore because she believes she cannot to miss the board meeting later in the day. This is the thing with Mei: most of her emotional breakthroughs come when she's exhausted, that's when her walls come down and she acts sincerely.
But it also is what leads to her getting sick and collapsing, that's the other consequence of Momo and Yuzu having run her ragged. Collapsed on the ground because of her cold, she snaps at Momo, telling her she has no idea what real responsibility is- how much she's been carrying. Yuzu scolds her for this- maybe Momo doesn't understand her job and the demands put on her by the adults she has to please at the board meeting, but lashing out solves nothing. Yuzu will make her apologize for this- also, we don't hear anything bad come of it so Momo probably did fine filling in. Mei consistently believes she's more isolated than she actually is.
Fight 3: make no mistake, Mei’s father is still a bad parent.
An important thing to remember about Citrus is that it's not all as one sided as Mei hurting Yuzu, the opposite happens too, in fact Yuzu will bring up the night Mei's father returned as one of her biggest failures. When Mei’s father says he won't return to the academy, and Mei realizes that the burdens she accepted 5 years ago as a mere child really are hers to bear alone, we get the scene of Mei’s attempted seduction and Yuzu slapping her for it. It's a mistake about expectations each of them has and how they don't quite understand each other yet, like Sarah tells Yuzu to do later on.
As Yuzu reaches out for Mei while she's crying facing away from her, she wants to comfort her but doesn't really understand Mei's display of desperate emotion, so she hesitates. She can't fathom the depth of Mei’s pain and all she has bore that lead to it, she doesn't know firsthand what it was like for Mei to be abused by her fiancé in order to ensure the academy's future. Her “When are you going to stop trying to do everything alone” and shocked look when Mei turns to her, her eyes full of tears and betrayal, telling Yuzu she had no choice but to do it, shows how little she knows of Mei’s burden.
Still shocked by the look in Mei's eyes, Yuzu stammers as Mei reaches for her, and then Mei is suddenly kissing her, Yuzu's eyes remain wide as she is still trying to process what that look in Mei's eyes meant. Mei’s words were a glimpse into a world Yuzu has never seen and while she can get there on understanding it, there's no way she can deal with Mei’s sudden emotions, her expectations as she kisses her, the sadness Mei wants her to fill. Mei’s “you’ll be the one who needs me, won't you" is a desperate admission of her loneliness. Mei proceeds to attempt to seduce Yuzu, if Yuzu wants closeness then sex is closeness, right? If Mei can prove herself as a lover then Yuzu will want her, she will have purpose.
As she says “I’m lost, I need someone to accept these feelings”, Yuzu responds “... Oh, Mei” and we are shown a very deliberate shot of Yuzu hugging Mei to her. Mei is tragic and blowing past all restraints due to sadness and is trying to seduce Yuzu, and Yuzu accurately identifies loneliness as the real reason Mei is suddenly kissing her. So, Yuzu hugs her, wanting to give Mei a place to cry out her lonely emotions. So she can heal.
Once again, as Mei becomes tragic we see how intelligently Yuzu responds to it. What Yuzu offers her is real healing, but that's not really what Mei is expecting in this moment. Mei is dissociating from her true feelings, she's desperately seeking to secure some reason to think they're together and she sees sex as a way to secure closeness. Her emotions are way too raw to process gently in Yuzu’s arms, so to say.
Sex seems more tangible to her, once she knows she has Yuzu for sure maybe she can heal bit by bit in her arms, but she can't just cry it out, so to say. Her panic is telling her to get as close to Yuzu as quickly as she can, so she tries to prove herself. She's all bluster as she tells Yuzu that she's good at taking orders- Matsuri calling her a slut has no basis in reality. Mei is good at faking confidence though, and it is true that she will be careful to find how to please Yuzu best, in thanks for being with her. But Yuzu isn't having it.
Yuzu offered her this emotionally healing moment by hugging her, that's what real closeness is. And instead Mei is rushing forward with sex, and that's not real closeness. Yuzu may be a very sexual person but she wants romance, she has expectations of both. What she can't see yet is how desperate Mei is to secure their relationship by closing that distance physically. Both of them have very different expectations of what this moment should be- Mei’s is sex, Yuzu's is to hold Mei as she cries, to get closer, to have Mei tell her more of how she's been burdened so she can support her better.
And so, they fight. And this time, it's really Yuzu who starts a fight. She slaps Mei, telling her “Why can't you think of MY feelings for once?” Of how sex without real closeness isn't what she wants, of how Yuzu wants Mei to be romantic with her before they do that. Mei seducing her lacked all romance, Mei is terrible at being romantically present or seeing Yuzu's feelings. But Yuzu isn't the one who has been abused and crushed by the world, that's Mei. She doesn't understand the place of desperateness Mei was coming from by asking her to be the one who needs her. She can't fathom it yet, she wasn't given a chance to process what Mei just dumped on her.
Yuzu goes on to do everything she can to help Mei get close to her father again, but later during her love confession Yuzu specifically brings up how she hit Mei this day. Proving her devotion to Mei by helping her save her relationship with her father wasn't enough. She fought with Mei that day, she came to blows. And despite her actions helping Mei with her father, it's not closure for how she acted that day.
Yuzu comes to realize that if she really loves Mei she needs to have a better way to solve conflict than fighting, because Mei has had to fight with too many people. It's not wrong of Yuzu to reject Mei’s offer of sex, but it is wrong to hurt Mei when she doesn't even really understand Yuzu’s feelings because Yuzu didn't know how to tell her why what she did was wrong. Slapping Mei was a selfish act on Yuzu's part and being an emotionally intelligent person means doing better than that, Yuzu is still just learning and slapping Mei is a juvenile response not befitting her level of emotional intelligence.
After Yuzu manages to heal the divide between Mei and her father, we get their first real kiss, the only good kiss until Yuzu’s love confession. We get to see just how good it could be before it all goes wrong again.
Mei tells Yuzu how much better she feels now that she and her father can understand each other. She speaks with happiness, something we rarely see Mei do… Yuzu finds herself crying, knowing that Mei isn't hurting anymore, it's a sympathetic reaction. Yuzu hates for others to be hurting and it's not just her romantic interest in Mei that motivates her here, she really is good natured. She feels relieved like Mei must feel relieved, and so she cries in happiness.
Mei sees this, she doesn't quite understand why Yuzu would cry… that these are tears of healing, if not for Yuzu but instead for the feelings she herself must be having. Mei isn't that terrible of a person, she's sympathetic to Yuzu’s hurting healing in this moment and she instinctively wants to comfort her. To give Yuzu a safe space so she can let her emotions out. In this moment, their roles are reversed. One hand comfortingly placed over Yuzu's, their faces are close as Yuzu realizes Mei is caressing her face, wanting to soothe her tears and comfort her.
Their kiss is spontaneous but natural, they are emotionally connecting with each other. Mei’s fingers interlace with Yuzu’s as they do and the kiss lasts. It feels good instead of unnerving on some level for one or both of them, but we see a very different reaction to this revelation when they pull apart.
Yuzu reacts with wonder, she's never really kissed before, not where she was free to enjoy it. This is a brand new experience for her and she celebrates it, so this is what it's supposed to feel like. She sees so many positive possibilities from this moment.
Mei, on the other hand, is also surprised at how different it felt, how good, but you can see in her expression that she's also reeling from a conflict of emotions. She's scared of how vulnerable it makes her feel, how she lost her control in the moment, to have that pleasure make her yearn for something deeper than just kissing or sex. It scares her and you can see this look of worry in her eyes.
As usual, Mei will push Yuzu away, not ready for all of those emotions.
The Matsuri arc
Hey if you've stuck with me so far, thanks. I know it's a lot. Luckily I think we can get through the next few episodes quicker! That way we can get to the real story: Christmas and the love confession! Yay. Really, this whole middle part of this story is about rivals appearing, first a rival for Yuzu’s affection in Matsuri, and then for Mei’s affection in Sarah. We’ll touch on Yuzu’s lonely existence, the Christmas disaster, and hopefully get to the real story quicker.
Matsuri is, actually, a pretty believable character. She's not just a plot device, her desires are well defined and she reveals a lot about Yuzu, and she's not all bad when it's said and done. She's like both Mei and Yuzu in having a lifelong struggle with loneliness, and like Mei in the total neglect her parents showed her. So, she's gone down some bad paths as a totally unsupervised teenager. I actually kinda like her as a character.
She is of course a rival to Mei for Yuzu's affection, and she appears just as Mei is pushing Yuzu away again. That kiss we saw between them was so promising it can be hard to understand why Mei isn't just Yuzu’s girlfriend from then on, but remember that worried look Mei had after they kissed. It's too much too fast for her so she backs Yuzu off. We get Yuzu’s adorable daydream where a half naked Mei tells her she's in love with her- yeah, Yuzu really wants to hear those words, she's a romantic. And then after she wakes up, moments later Mei tells her to get lost- Mei feels she needs to refocus on those things that were always most important to her like her grades and managing the academy, and she gives Yuzu a sad look when she tells her that she might get held back because of her bad grades.
Basically, Mei is a liar- she wants to be in school with Yuzu, and to help her as her girlfriend with her homework. Instead of telling Yuzu this she hits her with the “we're sisters. Consider that our last kiss.” She's not ready for a real relationship, she's still processing. Yuzu is thrown for a loop, and then a rival appears- Marsuri.
We get a lot of inflammatory stuff as Matsuri takes to things like a wrecking ball, including blackmailing Mei into a situation where she might be sexually assaulted again, but we’ll talk about that with Christmas.
What Matsuri really is in need of is some actual fucking human connection, hence Mei's later line to Yuzu when she becomes concerned “Go out with her, she wants to see you. That girl needs you, so you shouldn't let her down”.
Circling all the way back to the day Matsuri shows up in the story; Mei feels dejected after coming home late to find Yuzu still out partying, the house dark and empty. She was planning to compliment Yuzu on her improved grades. I think Mei even planned to flirt with her and crack the door again to maybe more than sisters, yet Yuzu isn't there. It gives her reason to doubt those feelings, and then out on the street she sees Matsuri forcing a kiss on Yuzu and gets jealous instead, leading to her hugging Yuzu from behind in a sexy way and saying “This is normal for sisters, right?” After all, Yuzu calls Matsuri “like a sister” and they were kissing.
We get two pivotal scenes I’d like to talk about before we get to Christmas. One is the flashback we're given about Yuzu befriending Matsuri as a kid, because it gives us a crucial understanding of Yuzu that may not have been obvious. Yuzu has a good mom but she's a single parent that works all of the time, so Yuzu mostly grew up alone. Kinda like Matsuri, making them natural friends. Kinda like Mei. Yuzu has been very lonely most of her life, despite being extroverted she hasn't developed a lot of meaningful relationships. That's a lot like Mei. As it turns out, they both have extreme loneliness in common. It's part of why Yuzu likes Mei as a person- they share this trait, they're both looking for a deeper connection, a real family so to speak. To her, it's obvious they should get together.
Which is our second discussion: as Yuzu shops for Christmas, her best friend Harumin tells her “With all those domestic skills, you'll make a great wife one day" and we see Yuzu take a long inward pause as she considers it. She really, really wants to make a home for Mei. She wants to be a wife, she wants to take care of her partner. Caring for others is what gives Yuzu life. Yuzu wants to have her own family and that family is Mei. She wants to live together with Mei as wives. Mei can be the head of the academy and she’ll be her wife and that all sounds hunky dorey to Yuzu. Yuzu is filled with wifely love at the idea of cultivating this home with Mei.
Briefly covering what goes down with Matsuri, we get to see Mei wield the weapon of sexual violence again when she forces the kiss on Matsuri. She really believes in it, but it doesn't quite work on Matsuri, does it?
This gives us a hint about Mei's experience: she's very sensitive and what her abuser did really hurt her. Given Matsuri and Yuzu's reactions, it's not quite the weapon she thinks it is. Mei is more sensitive than most when it comes to touching, something Matsuri also exploits against her.
Then we have Yuzu sorting out what really happened in no time flat. The second Matsuri reveals her manipulation of putting Mei in danger of sexual assault again, Yuzu comes back at Matsuri saying: "We have to apologize- to the one person who really is thinking about your feelings.” Mei knew Matsuri was desperate like she is and sent Yuzu away, leading to Mei nearly being prostituted. But Yuzu doesn't dwell on her anger towards Matsuri- she immediately heals the situation by making Matsuri apologize to Mei, it's what will make the situation better. And as she does this, Matsuri is pulled along in Yuzu's wake, now seeing how small and pathetic her actions were.
Once things are resolved with Matsuri and they're all headed home on the train we get Mei saying the nicest things about Yuzu. She says “I was always so desperate to be loved”... “but I kept my heart locked up tight and pushed everyone away when they tried to get close. Before I knew it, I was left feeling empty. But, there are certain pushy people in this world who will love you no matter how much you protest. And if we're lucky enough to meet one of them, then even we can end up happy.”
It's a great idea, and it's the true motivation thesis of Mei's actions. She's not evil, she's just scared, and as Yuzu fixes her life, she wants to change, so she can be happy and make Yuzu happy, too. Of course Yuzu is adorably out cold during the best compliment she's ever been given.
Nobody sums up Yuzu's altruistic nature better than Mei does. Even after everything that goes wrong, Yuzu can see Mei’s pain underneath her worst actions and she never gives up on her. Mei had expected her to give up- everyone in her life either abandoned er or only saw her from their own selfish desires, so Mei stopped really believing in love or generosity.
In this moment, exhausted from a day of nearly being forced into sex with a stranger, only to have Yuzu showers her with love, exhausted like she often is, Mei’s walls come down so she can speak truth without her own hurt clouding her. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy for her to let Yuzu in, even after all Yuzu has done. We see that later on Christmas night.
The Christmas Armageddon- why does Mei push Yuzu away again?
Matsuri isn't all bad, she says pivotal things first to Mei, and then to Yuzu about their relationship. As Mei eats the cake Yuzu made for her, Yuzu collapses into her arms, crying for her and telling her to never put herself in harms way like she did again, because “if you get hurt it's going to hurt me and our mom a hundred thousand times more”. She accepts Yuzu’s altruistic nature, that Yuzu’s fear for her wasn't just because she wants her romantically. Yuzu criticizes her for not being straightforward with her, and so Mei reflects on Matsuri’s parting wisdom as they were riding home together “Mei, you could stand to be a lot more direct."
So, tired like she often is, Mei decides to take the leap and try to trust Yuzu with her trauma. Also, notice how moments before she does Yuzu tells Mei to come to her with any problem she has, and in what Mei does next, she sees herself as doing just that, because she yearns for Yuzu desperately. She tells her she's about to be more direct, seductively approaches her. As Yuzu feels Mei’s heart through her boob which she put Yuzu’s hand on (oh boy hurray gay), her words “My heart is about to leap from my chest for you” is as close as Yuzu was going to be to a love confession, but her following words are even more important to set the tone of her actions.
Still with Yuzu’s hand on her boob she tells her “There are things inside me which would thrill you, and some that would terrify you. I need you to understand that much from the very start” is the informed consent on being an emotionally damaged person. She's telling Yuzu that she doesn't even really know her own trauma or when it will come up, but she's willing to dive into a full relationship with Yuzu while still not knowing her own chaos- she's going to freak out from time to time but she'll process those emotions as they come up.
After Yuzu pulls away, not feeling comfortable with the sudden interest from Mei she brings it home again “You forced your way in and helped me process these chaotic emotions I have (about her father and grandfather), so let's do what you want to do- I think I know what that is” is her laying out just how she feels about Yuzu as a person, she respects and admirers her. It seems like just blank seduction again, but Mei is really asking Yuzu for a specific thing: permission to be messy while being in a full relationship with her. Since Mei doesn't even really know the dark corners of her own mind where her traumatic memories hide, it's the best she can do.
Again, Mei wants to get Yuzu as close to her physically as she can, and to be useful to Yuzu as her lover. Also, I think Mei closing the deal with sex is the only way she feels she'll know she can trust Yuzu, after they do it she can curl up in her arms and feel safe.
So, is Yuzu wrong to reject Mei’s offer of sex? Again, of course not, but she is wrong to shut down emotionally like she does. When Mei tells her “yes” when she asks if it's ok to sleep with her, she can tell there's something off with the way Mei looks at her. After pulling back from nearly kissing her, Mei is waiting for Yuzu’s answer, her look is very serious. Mei is thinking “will she take this risk with me?” and she's holding herself back a bit to await the answer. If Yuzu says yes, great. They will spontaneously go all the way and Mei can feel like the sex closed the deal on them being together.
If Yuzu says no, that means Yuzu isn't willing to be in a relationship with someone as messed up as she is, she can't handle it. Again, it's informed consent. Yuzu doesn't quite grasp the magnitude of what Mei is asking her for, and when she says no, Mei slams the door to her heart she had offered to open to Yuzu, seemingly for good after she ghosts Yuzu all of January leading up to the school trip. Mei goes back to believing that Yuzu can never really understand someone that's been hurt like she has, and it’ll take Yuzu’s most open and vulnerable love confession to convince her otherwise.
For Yuzu, she rejects Mei out of her own reasonable romantic expectations, yet again. It's not the fairy tale ending she's read in her manga so she gets scared. There's no slow build, no romance in how Mei is suddenly asking her to sleep with her. Yuzu doesn't want sex without all of the other things, the little, tender moments. Without those shared joys, Yuzu is scared the relationship won't be strong enough to survive the bumps in the road.
Yuzu will reflect on this expectation, and how she isn't thinking about Mei's feelings and how she might not be available to be romantic in that moment because of her own hang ups. And how as the non traumatized one, she needs to make more space for Mei’s feelings. That's what being a good partner means for someone like her. Once again, The Christmas Armageddon is all about how they had different expectations, and weren't really understanding each other. Yuzu needs to think about Mei's feelings more if this is going to work, and how Mei feels too broken to do so back in kind.
Kyoto Sarah Arc 💋
Yuzu really knows she's in the doghouse when she wakes up the morning of the trip and Mei ghosted her so she’ll miss the train. A month has gone by and Yuzu hasn't been able to figure out why Mei has gone total Ice Queen on her. How Mei tried to tell her that she was broken inside but would try to be with her anyways. For Yuzu, she feels like she didn't even really do anything to be in the doghouse in the first place, if Mei was serious about being with her she should have had other chances, they could have done the slow build. Why did Mei shut down on her instead?
Yuzu is really smart, but it's not without some help from her friends that she's able to figure out how to get through to Mei. Sarah will later tell her that she and Mei are alike, they are both scared little girls trying to protect their hearts. Mei is scared that someone like Yuzu will never be able to understand her trauma, that she's too broken to ever be with anyone. So she shuts the doors to her heart to protect herself but I also believe to protect Yuzu from what she feels is a lost cause- herself. Yuzu has to come to understand these things about Mei in order to be with her.
I've said Matsuri isn't a bad person, and she really comes to Yuzu’s rescue with one of the best lines in the series “If you want to be with someone, then you have to consider their feelings”. It's not that Yuzu’s expectations of romance are wrong, it's that she places those expectations on Mei that's wrong, because Mei isn't her. Yuzu is totally in love with Mei, she wants to be with her. What does being with Mei look like when Mei has emotional damage? How does making it work with Mei go, if Yuzu isn't scared and trying to ‘protect her own heart’?
Yuzu comes to realize that to have Mei she's got to set her expectations aside and accept whatever comes next because Mei believes she's too broken to be with her. Those feelings of brokenness prevent Mei from having the same romantic dream as Yuzu. She has to understand Mei’s feelings as well as say her own feelings to Mei in a way that Mei can understand them. Nothing less than her most vulnerable love confession will do this, that's what it's going to take for Mei to understand that Yuzu sees how scared she is and is still choosing to be with her.
Now, we of course get a rival for Mei’s affections, but it's not that serious. I like Sarah. I think she's fun, I really do. And I think that she's a plot device is a bit too obvious. But we do need her to be in the story for Mei’s most important line leading up to the confession: “Tell me whether or not you need me.”
This line echoes Mei's earlier lines and has everything to do with Mei’s feelings that she's too broken to be loved. She wants someone to tell her that she's useful for a purpose, that's something she knows she can believe in. Her whole life before meeting Yuzu was how she felt she had to be the heir because that's what she believed having purpose looked like. But love is not so simple as being needed for a job you can fill, yet Yuzu will know to say those exact words,“I need you” to Mei during her confession.
I realize Mei’s behavior in ep10-12 can be hard to understand, Yuzu says it outright “Maybe she really is done with me”. But rest assured the whole time Mei is hoping against all odds that she can be with Yuzu, she just doesn't see how her wish can come true. Yuzu is what she wants, she just doesn't feel good enough about herself to be with her. How do we know this? We can look at Mei’s bear, her external representation of her feelings.
This bear is so important in the anime that it appears during their confession kiss scene, and it appears here a couple more revealing times. The first is when Mei goes to the relationship shrine, she secludes herself as best she can to ask for guidance on how to be with Yuzu. She holds her bear in the crook of her fingers while she prays for guidance. Mei is very much thinking about Yuzu, but she’s stuck on what she can do to make things better after ruining it all yet again.
The second time is when she's getting ready for bed, she has tucked her bear into a little futon she has for him. This is mostly just a soft moment for us, but I think it's important because I believe what we’re being shown is Mei doing self care.
She doesn't know what to do with her life or how to be with Yuzu, but she can make her bear’s life a little better, so she does. She's taking a moment to show the representation of her innermost self some comfort. When she feels so far away from Yuzu emotionally, she comforts herself by taking care of the bear Yuzu put back together for her. Like her soul- Yuzu has helped her put back together her inner self, by confronting her abuser, rescuing from her grandfather's home, and reuniting her with her dad. Being with Yuzu is absolutely all that's on Mei’s mind.
Before we really get to the kiss, let's dwell a bit on Yuzu's emotional journey of letting go of her romantic expectations and confusion over sisterly love. Yuzu recognizes in Mei that she needs love and support aside from Yuzu’s self interest of pursuing her romantically, so Yuzu at first approaches Mei outside the hotel offering that. Mei counters her “Tell me how you really feel about me.” And Yuzu chokes, she wasn't expecting Mei to confront her on why she actually cares so much, and Mei is being frigid and stoic as she does. Yuzu is so scared of Mei’s scorn that she doesn't see how Mei is asking for her true feelings, like we see her confess during their kiss.
That Yuzu has been in the doghouse the last month, not really knowing why, has her on edge such that Mei's guarded response throws her. But, as I mentioned above, Yuzu didn't see how Mei opened herself up to Yuzu that night about her trauma and how hard being in a relationship would be, but that she would do it. Largely, Yuzu misses these cues because of her own romantic expectations blocking her from seeing Mei’s emotions.
It's so bad that Matsuri, the person who told her to think about Mei's feelings, nearly calls Yuzu to ask if she's gotten Mei to be her girlfriend yet. But the whole time episodes 10-12 are going on we’re hearing Yuzu process her romantic expectations against Mei’s needs. Shes intuitive and smart like few people are about emotions, and knowing this Matsuri elects to not call her. “She’ll figure it out, this is Yuzu we’re talking about.”
We get a couple more meetings of the lovers along the way, such as in Mei’s hotel room hiding under the covers. At this point in the story Yuzu has recognized that she’s in love with Mei and that being with her is worth it, but hasn't found the words yet. Nestled together under the covers to hide from Momo, Yuzu first hugs Mei, like she always does, wanting that closeness.
Mei reacts to it, she's very vulnerable having Yuzu so close. These are the kinds of hugs Mei needs to really heal her emotions- to melt into Yuzu's embrace. Yet Mei isn't sure Yuzu can handle being her girlfriend. Seeing Mei fighting against this, of hugging or crying or melting into her sexually (Mei wants all of the above) Yuzu decides that maybe she can convince Mei sexually, she kisses her neck, Mei pushes her away. Again, not what Mei really wants in that moment.
She's not feeling at all safe with Yuzu, she doesn't feel like she can trust her with her desires and her traumas all at once, so Yuzu trying to seduce her through her sexual yearning is a violation of her personal space and her wants. Yuzu still isn't understanding what Mei needs, after a little fight she's kicked to the curb yet again, which sets her up for her confession.
The Kiss- Yuzu gets what she wants, after making sure Mei gets what she needs, that is.
How adorable is this whole sequence, neh? From Mei running away from Yuzu trying to talk to her, too scared to let herself have romantic feelings after constantly messing everything up. To Yuzu’s telling her that she doesn't understand her, her chaos, how she desires her one second, then pushes her away, then gets all clingy and fragile. To Yuzu trying to jump the steps to catch up to Mei, and Mei having to break her fall for her. To the bear, Mei being too emotionally fragile to act on her feelings in that moment. To Yuzu telling her she wants a kiss from Mei. It's one of the most emotionally raw moments in media you can find.
Every bit of Yuzu's emotional intelligence and journey through her own emotions to understand what Mei wants, needs, to be with her is on display during this sequence. Having finally pinned Mei down in the gayest way possible, Yuzu starts by bringing up how she failed to think about Mei’s feelings on Christmas, and then goes on to say how realizes that when she struck Mei on the night of her fathers return she was wrong to fight with her- because as her lover she needs to be the one person Mei doesn't have to fight with. As an abuse survivor, Mei has been fighting nonstop for the last 5 plus years, and Yuzu must never be a source of violence like that.
Then she tells her she's in love with her, and that she’ll always need her. Mei didn't need to ask to find out if it was true, Yuzu was able to figure out that Mei was worrying about it with her raw emotional intelligence.
But nothing compares to how earnestly Yuzu confesses her love, and then closes her eyes to wait to see if Mei feels the same way by kissing her. Once she’s awaiting Mei’s answer, there is no fear in Yuzu as she does, she's found total peace. Before, Yuzu was afraid to be with Mei and have it not go well, to have it end with her getting her heart broken, and Mei could sense that fear.
But there's no fear now as she straddles Mei with her eyes closed, softening her face and lips and waiting to be kissed. If Mei rejects her, she’ll accept it with dignity. If Mei kisses her, that's ok too. Yuzu has let go of all of her expectations so Mei is free to choose without having to feel pressured about hurting Yuzu’s feelings if she feels she has to confirm Yuzu’s worst fears and reject her.
Yuzu's peacefulness allows Mei the chance to consider her answer without freaking out. A long time passes, and we see on Mei’s face that the answer is yes- she's in love with Yuzu, too. But she gets scared when she tries to reach for Yuzu to kiss her, love is too vulnerable. She looks for a way, all as Yuzu patiently waits, to tell her yes but that she needs to take it slow and not just dive in all at once.
So she uses her bear, the representation of her innermost self, that which Yuzu fixed for her, to kiss her. It's a really cute moment, and as Yuzu looks at Mei’s blushing shyness past the bear at her lips, she gets that Mei is saying yes while also asking for time. But, the answer is yes. Mei wants her, in the romantic way she wants her to, but is scared.
And Yuzu thinks that's okay. But Yuzu knows she deserves a kiss after all her hard work, so she reaches for Mei who is too shy to do it “Thanks, but I want one from you”. Yuzu kisses her with love and thanks and desire, and Mei kisses back with relief and desire but she's still scared and you can see the pain from that. But their kiss lasts a long time as Mei melts into it. It was okay for Yuzu to ask for what she wants here, Mei loved that kiss.
That fear is something Mei will work on now that she's with Yuzu. As they walk back to the station to meet Sarah, Yuzu looks satisfied and content with her world, while Mei looks anxious about the path ahead of her and learning to be with Yuzu romantically.
Conclusion
And that's all, right? Easy peasy…
Well no. Citrus isn't a complete story, and Mei's journey of becoming better has just begun. I'm not sure she's even gotten there in the manga, certainly not the anime. Which is ok.
But make no mistake that the author deliberately chose Mei as a character to tell a story about a traumatized person with PTSD getting a chance to be better, and Yuzu is the charming means to tell that story. She's the best bean, the most heartwarming and sweet character that wins all of our hearts over. She's genius level when it comes to reading other's emotions, and we should all be so lucky to know a Yuzu in our lives, but few will ever be so fortunate.
Think of how lucky every friend Yuzu has is to know her- Matsuri, Sara, Harumin, she makes everything better. Mei is just the most notable case of receiving Yuzu's love. And boy does she need it.
Mei has a ways to go yet, but I think one example of her being considerate of Yuzu's feelings is how she refuses to say she loves Yuzu back after Yuzu asks her to, instead saying that they're dating. You might be thinking that was a big letdown! Instead, think of how carefully Mei is treating their relationship.
Mei knows she loves Yuzu back but she's not going to say it if she can't be totally genuine when she's a mess of emotions at the moment. Sara telling her to hold Yuzu's hand was already a big step she felt, but I think she shows even greater maturity and growth with her immediate acceptance when Yuzu's ask that they kiss again, because it's my favorite kiss. The confession kiss was great but Mei is still afraid then, so it was a bit painful to watch. But when they kiss again, she's doing it with no fear, she's in the moment. They both relaxed and enjoyed it.
It's probably not that simple, Mei is still holding back in all their later interactions but she was able to kiss Yuzu like she was her girlfriend then without all the PTSD getting in the way. It's a big start in the right direction, and things will continue getting better.
In a lot of ways Mei is deep down a good person, I really think that, however she is a Japanese woman and that does make her flawed. She doesn't like big displays of affection and she doesn't like showing affection in public- which is very Japanese, and also very reasonable. But she does want to be in love and do that stuff with Yuzu. Luckily she shows that in their final moments together.
The school trip is over and it's back to school, and as she's walking with Yuzu, Yuzu asks to hold her hand. Which at first she rejects, because see above. Yet she thinks better of it and takes Yuzu's hand after all. Which is a huge display of public affection, she's announcing it to the whole school.
But as we're shown in those moments Mei looks strengthened by it. You can see on her face how hard her job is, every second is work as the heir and president of the school, yet Mei feels more steadfast doing it with Yuzu as her girlfriend. She knows she's stronger with Yuzu by her side, it's a subtle expression but it's there- Yuzu gives her strength, and she's ready to show that to the whole world.
If you liked this post, please help with a 💞 reblogg 💞 if you can, let's make the world a little better together!! The world needs good vibes maybe more now than ever, so let's spread it around! Thank you lots.
I promise more to come on this lovely show, and as always, let me know if you have questions in the comments and the asks!
-EtheriaDearie
[Postscript]
Still, the question may be why I wrote this several years after the show. I told a mutual that I was interested in the show and she proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions hoping I could help her understand Mei better. She said I was very helpful and so I decided to go ahead and write this. So dear mutual, when you read this, Heeeey! Hope you're having a lovely day. 🤗😁
