eval(&#x27;empire&#x27;)

We're all constantly falling into the Sun and missing.

Can't even get that right. 💫🌍

iamthequizatshaderach

Earth: C’mere Sun! Just one little kissy! 😘😘😘

The Sun: 🙂‍↔️🫸

Result: Orbit

The Sun: If you'd just slow down we could be together!

"Bartender, gimme the Jesus Christ!"

Glass of wine.

Slap on the cheek.

Glass of water.

Turn the other cheek.

We're all constantly falling into the Sun and missing.

Can't even get that right. 💫🌍

I wanna be the Rodney Dangerfield of trans woman dick jokes, I wanna stand up on stage and be like "I just get dicks respected."

Wearing the same bad suit and tugging my necktie down like "ah, my wife left me, y'know. Well they didn't leave me, they left their gender, we're still married I just don't got no wife anymore! I can't blame them though, can't blame em, after all, I'm not the man they married."

I think Rodney would appreciate transgender jokes.

"This gig, this gig such disrespect they pay peanuts they said they pay in exposure, I said that's indecent! All kinds a disrespect, I said fine I'll get paid in exposure and got a job as an adult dancer. Fired my first night, turns out they meant dance around the pole on stage not swing around the pole in my thong. I can't get any respect I tell ya."

"It's rough out there, the economy is rough. They say they only constants are death and taxes just to let you know what you got to look forward to, that's how rough it is. Just my luck, my name died and I still gotta pay taxes! No respect at all."

"They named me after my dad but he kept sayin I took after my mother. I called him up like hey dad, peer pressure really works! He was supportive though real supportive dad but even supportive y'know you get presents just like your parents' idea of what you want. I liked dinosaurs, got dinosaur underwear for a year. Now my dad sends me dinosaur stripper heels every birthday. He tries, the guy."

"I used to work at a bookstore, y'know, they got a self-help book for everything, find the right woman this, find yourself that. Look at me, I'm doing both at once. But listen, these guys all trying to sell ya self improvement. Buddy, I need self renovation. I found eight books on downstairs remodeling but lemme tell ya it wasn't what I hoped for. I can't catch a break. I got a ventriloquism book to throw my voice but it just came back. No help at all."

"My best friend grew up in Cockeysville, then he moved to Gelding Drive. I'm like buddy, you're over there livin my dream. Great pal, has a whole great polyamory thing goin y'know? He grew up and got a house with a yard and a dog and a white picket fence and a kid and two and a half wives. It's not easy bein polyamorous lemme tell ya. You go on dating sites they wanna know if you're lookin for long term short term, I'm like hey right now I'm lookin for anyone who can organize a day planner!"

"It's rough, this city is so rough you see the potholes out there? I cut a fart while I'm driving it sounds like a helicopter takin off. Even the mechanics can't help, the other day in the shop he was like hey for a grand this car could look and feel new! I asked yeah what about me and he said I don't do antiques. The doctor's no better, I went in the office like hey doc, how's it look down there. She said, gimme a minute, I never worked on one a these models before."

I'm too open, always talkin about sex and dicks, but I got no filter, see? The other day at a bar someone said "bottoms up!" so I climbed onto the pool table an asked where she wants me. That's okay, y'know, bein a slut is the best job ever. I get ta work lyin down and everyone calls me princess.

I'm clumsy too, you wouldn't believe it. I punched myself in the face tryin to open a jar of pickles. I almost died cutting myself with my own nails tryin to brush my teeth. I'm so clumsy OSHA put out a restraining order on me, I'm not allowed within 50 feet of heavy machinery. I'm so clumsy my doctors won't stop askin me if I feel safe at home.

saint-batrick

cipher, i am literally begging you to put together a burlesque act where you strip out of your dangerfield layers while telling these jokes.

Okay so first, I have got my full Randy Dangerfield costume together already, I just need to practice a bit and try to figure out how the open mic stuff works because it's so confusing. Second, if we can afford it, my nonbinary wife wants to do burlesque lessons together. So.

"It's tough bein trans out there, real tough. We were so poor when we came out I hadda get a hand me down gender. My wife was like, I'm not using mine anyway, have it. You know, it's a little dinged up, needs a little polish and bondo, but it's a classic. So now my agender wife don't got a gender no more. Well, there's a gender on their drivers license, but they're non-practicing."

"Comin out is tough too. I was real nervous tellin my dad because he's kinda old, conservative. I was like dad I'm a woman and he goes Yeah that happens. Didn't even pause his dinner or nothing. I'm like gee dad I was worried I'd be a disappointment or something and he's like well I wish you were a lawyer but whatever makes you happy."

"Polyamory ain't all it's cracked up to be either, I tell ya, I got girlfriends in different time zones and enough money for half a bus pass. I tried to mail myself but the prices were still ridiculous. C'mon buddy, cut me a break, I thought you charged less for small packages."

"Bein a trans woman isn't easy, lemme tell ya there's stigma bein trans, everyone judges how I look. I can't catch a break with it, I complain to my partner, they're like, I thought you liked when I stigma cock in your mouth. Like, okay no I mean I'm stigmatized and my partner they go like okay I guess we can try it in the eyes too, if you want."

"I was never that well endowed, ya know, not on my best day, and you add a few years of HRT in lemme tell ya, it's like a retractable measuring tape down there. The other day I went to my doctor like Doc, I said, whaddaya think bottom surgery's gonna cost me. He looked down and he said lemme refer you to a dermatologist for pimple removal."

Sex workers are amazing, I tell ya, I tried it but I just wasn't organized enough. I asked a friend, they said "Have you tried spreadsheets?" Are you kidding, spread sheets is where the whole thing started. Then they said, no spreadsheets on a computer but how'm I supposed to use the webcam then? It's not for me, that's okay, I guess all my sex these days is between me, my partners, and the NSA.

I was talkin to my wife the other day I said, the only way I'm getting bottom surgery is under socialism. They said why, because of redistribution of wealth? I says no, because it's redistribution of penis. They said what're ya talkin about you're already redistributin your penis to half the trans community.

Polyamory's great though, it's wonderful to have other people to lean on. One time I went in a coma. My wife was going outta her mind til she could find one of my partners to make a "girlfriend in a coma" joke with. I love em all, they're great, all my partners, they take such good care of me, they do so much they unionized about it. Now anytime we fuck I get fined by the NLRB for union busting.

Dating still ain't easy though, lemme tell ya. I said I gotta great sense of humor, I get a message telling me that's good coz I look like a joke. But no, I do alright. I just got my name changed to Twenty Bucks, now I get passed around between every trans woman on the internet.

Something else I'll tell ya about polyamory, you work three times as hard at cooking, cuz everyone's got dietary needs and you wanna feed em right, ya know? I mean people allergic to potatoes, to wheat, to onions, all of it. Once I even dated someone lactose intolerant who didn't eat cheese.

Lemme tell ya, my wife and I been together now fifteen years and I love em so much. I love my wife, they're asexual, ya know, so don't let no one tell ya you can't have a long and loving relationship if you're ace okay? I'd tell ya more but I can't cuz of the non-disclothe her agreement.

Getting organized, it ain't easy, I'd lose my dick if it weren't attached, talk about a mixed blessing. Lemme tell ya, they say a new bottom surgery dropped, sure, right through the sewer grate. Now what.

But hey, you think I'm disorganized, guys out there, they go "whose dick do I gotta suck to getta table in this place, whose dick to I gotta suck to get a parking space, whose dick-" Buddy, lemme tell ya, if you don't already know, you ain't got a prayer. These guys, I tell ya. Not me, I got free parking everywhere because I know whose dick I gotta suck.

I mean, everywhere I go, girls, y'know we sometimes go to they bathroom together, girls like us. When I sit down in the stall, girls I don't even know roll up in the stall next door and ask if I wanna good parking space. I gotta start carrying a can opener everywhere for them metal bathroom stall walls. I tell ya.

My wife is so supportive, they're always lettin me try out new material. I started transition, no problem, they loved me trying out girlfriend material. No but seriously, we're a great match, I tell ya though, I think when the judge married us he was thinkin man and wife, not straight-man and wife!

Hey, I know what you're thinkin' - "Great, another transgender comic who transitioned for clout." It's not true, I swear! I only transed my gender to beat women at bowling!

bogkeep

there's something so deeply dystopian to me how tech companies don't understand that a forced convenience is not a convenience at all. i'm sure autocorrect is helpful for many, but a function that forcibly changes my actual written words and punctuation is taking away my language. photo filters can be nice but i need to choose using them myself or else i have lost the ability to take the picture i want. i don't want a machine to draw or write for me. taking away the option for me to do things manually feels like violence!!!! all this talk of endless opportunity, why are you RESTRICTING me

bogkeep

disgustedly throws youtube autodubbing onto the pyre pile

#Firefox #privacy #accessibility

Consent and agency.

Tech needs to ask for consent and give users agency.

Informed, non-coerced consent and agency.

letseyx

Revolutionary Rom

Firefox, with privacy settings and extensions, cripples a lot of major web sites. Especially on mobile.

This is working as intended for me.

If trackers, ads, and sketchy cross-site services are so integrated into a site that it collapses when they're removed, I don't want to use it.

I bump up my font size because my eyes are falling apart. This, too, breaks many sites. If they don't care about even basic accessibility, I don't want to use them.

Firefox makes evil sites so painful it overcomes their pernicious convenience and drives me to find alternatives.

I'm looking at you, Yelp.

Since people seem to like my pride outfit!

Woah woah this has 1000 notes. I'm super flattered and I will bench press each and every one of you.

ambientradiation

I can't believe you're this many notes in and nobody knows you handstitched the flag.

Oh hell was i supposed to mention that?

I handstitched the flag.

boomer-mythology-destroyer

I clearly should've mentioned it sooner.

Yes, your honor, I did rear end the Bird Of Prey. But in my defense, it was cloaked at the time.

hungwy

letting family members sit in for dead senators is just monarchy logic im appalled that this has even happened before

sugoiney-weaver

Each state gets to decide how their state is represented in Congress

This has been a common method for a long time in some states

The idea is that a Senator's sibling/spouse/parent/child knows their intentions and policies better than a political rival or a random person would. It's a pretty good way to prevent political assassinations tbh

A senator represents their state. Their intentions and policies should be those of the people they represent. They should not be secrets known only to the senator and their family.

A member of their staff, or someone appointed by the elected governor, should be able to do their job just fine.

If not, they are not a representative.

#us senate #us constitution #maga

Let's recall that the US senate was set up as an anti-democratic institution; senators were originally appointed by state legislatures. This led to corruption and deadlock and unfilled seats. It took until 1913 and the 17th amendment for senators to be directly elected.

MAGA tries to roll us back to political appointments; a bad idea that we fixed over 100 years ago.

hungwy

letting family members sit in for dead senators is just monarchy logic im appalled that this has even happened before

sugoiney-weaver

Each state gets to decide how their state is represented in Congress

This has been a common method for a long time in some states