–From a Certain Point of View, ”An Incident Report" by Mallory Ortberg “It must, however, be pointed out that at present the number of planets destroyed solely by the unaided power of the Force is zero.” MOTTI JUST DRAGGED THE FUCK OUT OF VADER I AM FUCKING LIVING
“I imagine Lord Vader would have had to stand very close to the planet Alderaan indeed today if he wanted to demonstrate how thoroughly his Force-wielding abilities outmatch the Death Star.” THIS ASSHOLE IS GOING TO DIE, BUT IT WILL BE IN SERVICE OF THE MOST GLORIOUS DRAGGING OF VADER I HAVE EVER SEEN.
“I merely spoke the truth: Lord Vader’s devotion to a nearly extinct faith has not resulted in the recovery of the stolen data tapes, nor has it given him insight into the rebels’ secret base, nor has he ever destroyed a planet.” “He found my lack of faith disturbing? I have never claimed to be an adherent to his sect. I found his lack of faith in this military installation disturbing.” MOTTI IS GOING TO FUCKING DIE IN A SPACE DITCH WHERE VADER DUMPS HIS BODY BUT HOLY SHIT HE WENT OUT LIKE A GODDAMNED LEGEND
So, I’m curious now. What would an incident report form look like in The Empire? I mean, is there a section for ‘Force Choked by Vader’?
This is a bureaucarcy, so there would have to be some form of paperwork done whenever Vader gets all sandy in someone’s grille, after all.
I AM LEGIT LOLLING RIGHT NOW. There’s another story about how the Empire has a logistics officer (Arvira from “The Sith of Datawork”) and they would find clever ways to help people get around trouble (in this case, for not firing on the life pods that had the droids in them because they had no life signs in them) and how hilarious some of the paperwork was. YOU KNOW THEY HAVE A SPECIAL LOGISTICS OFFICER JUST FOR PEOPLE MAKING REPORTS ABOUT DARTH VADER. Someone who had to go talk to Darth Vader and as him to please stop choking people, they were very hard to replace an– URKKKK NO WAIT [WHEEZE] IT’S FINE [GASP] CARRY ON, LORD VADER, LONG [RASPING BREATH] LIVE THE EMPIRE. And then had to go back and shred the report that was turned in and probably buy some space muffins for Motti because, sorry, sir, but you’re just going to have to deal with it, please try not to make Lord Vader mad anymore. Also you know they only have that position because Sheev got tired of hearing Krennic complain about it for, like, FIVE YEARS STRAIGHT about how Lord Vader was mean to him when he was just trying to do his job and help the project! (IMAGINE SHEEV’S FACE HAVING TO DEAL WITH EVERY TIME KRENNIC COMPLAINED ABOUT VADER.)




















