Following my heart and hoping for the best

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[eventide-confessions]

I miss the passion.

I dreamt about this guy. We were making out. I felt his breath getting heavier. I paused for a moment and he asked me not to stop.

That dream stuck with me.

It’s what I long for. Someone that begs me to keep going.

That hasn’t happened for a long time. Rather, the opposite has happened, and keeps happening. Just a “let’s do something else” kind of slap in the face.

I miss feeling desired. I miss feeling sexy. I miss the power of turning my partner on by just giving in to my own desires.

I don’t know what to do.

[eventide-confessions]

Everything is just spinning

I want it to stop, just for a few minutes.

But it doesn’t stop, it never stops.

It just keeps going and going. Faster and faster.

I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going.

No, that’s not it.

I have no idea what I want to do or where I want to go.

I’m just so sick of everything coming back to money.

I thought a good education would buy me freedom.

But I’m not free.

I’m stuck.

I sold my soul to one of few companies that wanted to hire me.

It’s always a struggle, always.

I can never just relax and breathe.

It’s always on to the next thing, and the next thing.

On to the next impossible task.

Always with a feeling that I’m not enough.

I’m never enough.

Not for my employer.

Not for my family.

Not for my partner.

Not for my friends.

I’m never enough.

[eventide-confessions]

I feel lonely. And trapped. Once again I’ve trapped myself. In the loneliness. In my relationship. In my job. Is anything I do for me? Do I take any steps towards where I want to be? Do I know where I want to be? I’m off sick from work. I’m calling it a cold. It’s not a cold. I’m overworked and this job is crushing my self-esteem. But it’s easier to call it a cold. People understand a cold. People don’t understand “I’m feeling exhausted and I’m constantly on the brink of breaking down in tears and I’ve lost my motivation”. So I say I have a cold. And they look at me with those “You don’t LOOK sick” eyes. But they accept it. But I feel bad. Even though it feels like I have a fever, and the exhaustion is making my brain work terrifyingly slow, I feel bad. 'Cause I want to work. I want to contribute. I want to be good…

[eventide-confessions]

OMG! You did not just do that!

What were you thinking?! Were you thinking at all? Or just feeling? Feeling the loneliness, the emptiness, the longing?

I’ve told you so many times NOT to do that! To let your feelings rule you, this late at night. Your feelings make you do stupid things you’ll regret. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

So what are you going to do about this?! What if you hurt him! What if you scare her away! Seriously, what the fuck are you doing?!

Now you’ll have to wait for a response from her. You HATE this kind of waiting! Why do you keep putting yourself in these situations?!

Nothing is so good that you can’t ruin it, huh?

[breakup]

[eventide-confessions]

I need to calm down

I need to take this slow. My heart doesn’t seem to understand the difference between a possible partner and a possible friend. It just spins out of control as soon as I meet an interesting person, especially when that person shows an interest in me. My brain starts obsessing. Thinking about the person all the time. Talking about the person all the time. Using the person as kind of a security blanket. Trying to scatter the bad feelings, the loneliness. Jag klär mig I dina färger Lyssnar på din musik Spelar dina spel Öppnar alla dörrar Försvinner ut i ett hav Av trygghet Av rädsla Av tvivel Mindre ensam Mer sårbar

[eventide-confessions]

What they said to me, as they broke up with me

“You’re too bossy and you act like you’re my mother” “I’m not as attracted to you as I should be” “The spark is gone” “If you don’t think this is wrong, I can’t be with you”

[eventide-confessions]

Well, my heart has been crushed, yet again. So I’m back to being singel, unemployed and living with my parents.

This is great for my confidence and perceived self worth...

[eventide-confessions]

I miss the way you made me feel like I was the best lover in the world. Like I was a natural. Like I was born to love you.

[eventide-confessions]

I’m in that bad place again

That place where I look up your ex. And my ex. And get sad and scared. And torture myself with thoughts of… whatever… I don’t understand why I do this to myself. I have nothing to gain from it. I just don’t want to lose you. But I don’t want to feel trapped in my love for you. I don’t know who I am anymore.

[eventide-confessions]

What’s the point? What am I still doing here? I don’t want this. I don’t want this life. Please take me, and make room for someone who would actually appreciate this opportunity.

[mello-dramatic]

Everyone who reblogs this will get the title of a book to read based on their bio/posts.

Everyone. I mean it.

[subvertcliche-archived-deactiva]

THIS IS THE BEST POST

I HAVE EVER SEEN

EVER

[iuweqnc4ew]

they really do mean everyone

[fndungeonmom]

UPDATE: Yup I got the thing

[pop-killerr-deactivated20190504]

PLEEEEASE work

[wilo-thewisp]

*will try this again*

[just-shower-thoughts]

I get oddly excited when my pee is clear and think “oh yea I’m so hydrated”

[eventide-confessions]

And Chris Traeger would be so proud of you!

[eventide-confessions]

Are you okay? Please be okay!

[eventide-confessions]

I need Tumblr right now. I need cute animals. I need beautiful drawings. I need fandoms. I need your hopes and dreams. I need my life to be more than it is right now.

[eventide-confessions]

One of the funniest screenshots I've ever taken! :D

[eventide-confessions]

You think that there is a thing (or a person) that would change everything, make everything better. You think that if only this thing (or person) was part of your life, you would stop crying for no reason, you would be happy at work, you would care more about your body and how you’re treating it. But there’s no such thing, no such person. There’s only you.