everlasting.void

~~~~~~~~~ | twenty | he/him | trans | ~~~~~~~~~ "I write only because there is a voice within me that will not be still"

[everlastingv01d]

Introduction

This is an blog where I will be sharing my writing, poetry, writing scraps etc, anything that comes to mind, but it will mostly be focused on my struggles and mental health.

Its a place where I can get out some of my feelings, and I hope that maybe this blog is a place where some people will find comfort and understanding, and some people will relate to some of the things I write about.

[everlastingv01d]

Conversation with my perfect self

Standing across from me, the figure of someone I've only seen in dreams.

A silence stretches between us as he takes in everything I am, his eyes meeting mine, a perfect reflection of my own.

He tries to speak, and his voice catches, instead he settles for setting his familiar hand on my shoulder.

He wipes a stray tear from our cheek.

"I'm sorry." he whispers.

"It's not your fault." I reply, my voice alien, not mine, not his.

Guilt consumes him contorting his features.

Him, sculpted marble, the beauty of the sky as the sun sets, the moon on a cloudless night, perfect.

Me, weathered walls, broken china, the rot that seeps into the earth.

There is an unspoken conversation that sits between us, one we both completely understand.

He is everything I ever wanted to be, and he knows this. The thoughts of everything he's taken for granted are reeling behind his skull, this is what he could've been. Disgust doesn't cross his face, but we both know he feels it.

We both know he has the urge to drive a blade into my neck, put me out of my misery, although neither of us show it.

And in a way, I have the urge to drive a blade into his neck, too.

[everlastingv01d]

Ponderer

you sit and you ponder,

all the people that are now lost to you,

all you could've done with your life.

Whilst you stay still,

letting time swallow you whole until you're nothing but a lifeless shell.

Worthless, unwanted, ponderer.

Pondering what life was, as the life you still have slips through your fingers like sand.

You watch it go,

you like how the sand feels falling through your fingers, each grain gone making the weight slightly more bearable.

You still grieve it non the less,

every single piece,

lost to time,

ripping a bigger hole in your heart than the last.

Worthless ponderer.

Your life means nothing,

you are a waste of oxygen,

nothing but thoughts on replay.

You don't want to participate in the one thing everyone takes part in, life.

No, you want to be exempt, non-existent.

worthless.

Unwanted ponderer.

You pull away from everyone in your life,

too preoccupied with the thoughts stabbing the inside of your ribcage like live wire.

You're lost to them now,

you're all alone,

and it's all your fault.

Nobody wants someone who doesn't even want to exist.

How can you think you deserve someone on the outside,

when all you do is live in your head?

You don't deserve anyone.

unwanted.

You're too far gone now,

watching your life waste away to nothing.

You are nothing.

It's okay though,

this is what you wanted right?

To be nothing but non-existent?

You've got your wish now.

You have nothing,

You have nobody,

You've even lost yourself.