Don't Mind Me

Trying my hand at blogging. Topics include mental health, relationships, neurodivergence, feminism, romance, sex, and whatever else

[luna-azzurra]

Ways to Show Anger!!<3

[vanalex]

[everyoneisprettysure]

Create versus Consume

I listened to the new TSwift album and while I don't fully want to throw myself into that discourse I found myself sucked into the tiktok discourse. I noticed that I tend to consume more passive media: scrolling, tv, escapism in books, mindless games when I'm overwhelmed. The interesting thing is it tends to make me feel worse.

The times I feel best are when I create: writing, training, learning. making. These are a more mental lift which is why I think I tend to default to consuming media. I sat down today and deleted any app on my phone that isn't helping me move through the world for a specific reason.

[everyoneisprettysure]

The State of Things

I'm a social worker, and I think I've always had an overall optimistic view of humanity. I feel like things have shifted in the political climate of the last 15 years. I think I used to believe people were overall good and reasonable. I now believe that I think people are amazing on individual scales, and that groups with a positive shared purpose can be good. However I also now believe that people are easily manipulated and can quickly be convinced to be selfish or do harm.

I don't think its an understatement that I feel that groups are more isolated than ever before and that rhetoric has gotten to a terribly devisive point. Its terrifying that saying "I think human life has value" "I think society should care for its marginalized groups" "We should know and understand science and history" are political statements. I thought these were the social contract upon which we built our society.

There are few answers but I think we need to start crawling out of our holes and face it. I think we need to realize that a few rich and powerful people are holding the puppet strings and we outnumber them if we could get our head out of our asses. Even if it's easier to focus instead on the next level of candy crush.

[everyoneisprettysure]

It’s amazing how reframes can change your whole perspective. I’ve taken to observing my older/used/damaged possessions as vintage/nostalgic/eco conscious/ nonconsumeristic. They’ve got brand new life.

[everyoneisprettysure]

Isn't it annoying that coping skills are only as good as you keep doing them?

[everyoneisprettysure]

Healthcare in America

As both a mental health therapist, sister to a brother who passed from Leukemia and a chronically ill spouse I think I have a unique perspective on this. I had to take my husband to the ER early this morning. It is almost two years to the day that his heart issues started.

Sometimes my husband heart acts up in a way where it won't stop beating rapidly. He has exercises he can do to try to get it to a normal rhythm but all week he has been having events every time he lays down. This time the exercises didn't work and off to the ED we went.

My husband felt relief on this trip due to the piles of evidence and that his heart was still in the adverse rhythm he was believed. It is often chocked up to anxiety. They did get it back before they had to shock him thankfully. However doctor after doctor tells him to lose weight, eat healthier. While I do think these things can help his heart, it is a mechanical issue and no one seems to care. Add to that chronic spine deterioration and nerve issues he has been to doctor after doctor appt where people just tell him to wait and see. He's been to PT three times in the last year.

My brother was in the hospital for the thick of covid. There were times we weren't even allowed to see him. Just one example and memory that haunts me is a seven hour shift where I and the nurse had to demand and beg multiple times for a grilled cheese because it was all he felt he would be able to palate. It took the whole time I was there. He was often told he was exaggerating his pain and often ignored due to nurses spread thin.

My brother was told he wouldn't even be consider for a transplant without health insurance and thankfully despite not working there for over a year his employer was willing to keep him on. Each year my husband and I absorb thousands of dollars of medical expenses that luckily we can pay, but I acknowledge we are more blessed than most before his insurance even starts touching costs. One medication alone costs hundreds of dollars a month after insurance.

I see regular clients who can't go to the doctor because they can't afford the copay but can see their therapist because its covered fully under their insurance. I am unwilling to see a therapist right now because until I meet my deductible it would be over 200 dollars a session.

I'm not villainizing doctors and nurses. I used to work in a hospital and I know most people get into this work to help people. However, a for-profit medical system is incentivised to make people jump through hoops, not believe them, and keep people sick. People can't effectively negotiate and haggle health care. It exploits its workers and we have some of the worst outcomes. People know that, but what is done. My husband's mental health suffers knowing that he isn't believed on top of no one seeking a solution to his medical mysteries.

[luna-azzurra]

How to Emotionally Destroy Readers

✩ Gut-punches are about timing. You don't say “I love you” during the sunset. You say it in the middle of a burning building or right after they stab you.

✩ A single line of dialogue like “you were supposed to come back” hits harder than an entire page of poetic mourning.

✩ Don’t just break their hearts, break their sense of identity. Make them question who they are, what they stand for, and if it was ever worth it (That’s premium pain.)

✩ Let someone be forgiven… but not trusted again. That's the kind of heartbreak that lingers like smoke.

✩ Sometimes the most devastating line is the one they don’t say. Silence is a character too.

✩ Give them a moment of joy. Right before everything falls apart. Hope makes the fall hurt more.

✩ Someone saying “I forgive you” through tears? Powerful. Someone saying “I still love you but I can’t stay”? Absolutely soul shattering.

✩ If they die, don’t describe the death. Describe the aftermath. The coat left hanging by the door. The mug still on the table. The dog waiting.

[everyoneisprettysure]

Saw your post about trichotillomania in the autism tag and just wanted to say hi and send my support as a fellow autistic who also has TTM (: Hang in there <3

Thanks you too <3

[everyoneisprettysure]

Trichotillomania

A fancy word that basically means that I pull out my hair, particularly in times of stress and anxiety from my head, eyebrows, nose, and pubic area.

I used to have a lot more shame and while now its not something I advertise, I'm less ashamed. Honestly it was validating as its something that often co-occurs with autism and allowed me to stop thinking of it as a "quirky little thing I do".

For me, part of it is sensation seeking and removing unpleasant sensations. For example I dislike when my nose hair and pubic hair gets too thick or grows in certain ways and it allows me to police it. On my head and eyebrows I'm looking for specific hairs and like the sensation of touching the root when I can get it out whole. I also have the habit of treating coarse hairs from my head like curling ribbon with my nail and watching it bounce back.

What I dislike is the hair growing back, the patches that sometimes appear when I overdo it, or explaining my missing part of my eyebrow for those who haven't heard of it.

I try my best to clock when I'm doing it and ask myself why. Am I doing it because I'm enjoying it or to self soothe? Are there possible consequences (usually the more visible areas but sometimes ingrown hairs in my pubic area)? Is there something else that could meet this desire?

I hope for those of you that experience it, this removes a bit of shame. I have been in a lot of doctors appointments and therapist appointments where I've wanted to mention it, and didn't until my most recent therapist despite doing it since my mid teens. I hope for those that don't it gives you some grace for a complicated drive.

[everyoneisprettysure]

Engagement and Validation

I made this blog for myself but I feel myself checking my notifications and validation. Why do I need this so bad? Why isn't saying it enough? I think I just want to feel the connection of being understood. But still, I don't like it.

[everyoneisprettysure]

Romanticizing Your Life

I've been trying to go more into a journey of free will and doing small things that make my days feel special. Here are some things I have tried and want to try that are both low lift and high lift

Play hype music in the morning (for me this morning it was Taylor Swift)

Set your alarm earlier so you can wake up slowly (for me this entails reading a book in bed for 20 min before starting my day)

Wear cute outfits that also feel comfy

Take care of yourself everyday: wash your face, brush your teeth

Try and integrate movement in your day: Take a walk, stretch on your lunch break

Eat food that tastes good, that you like, that doesn't upset your tummy

Prioritize sleep

Research things when you have stupid questions

Try to notice and appreciate the things already going in your life (this morning its my fall decor)

Make a tea in a fun whimsical mug

Light a candle

Go thrifting, it's like a treasure hunt (if money allows)

If it doesn't, go Geocaching

Go to your library and sit with a good book

Make the things you have nicer: fix that button that bothers you, wipe down that shelf, declutter that space that has been frustrating

Research local interesting organizations (I'm part of a silent book club)

Lock up your phone and have phone free nights (I use a piece of tupperware to prevent muscle memory grabs or I've been using focus friend)

Experience nostalgia by going through old things or leaning into media you used to like

Tell people you appreciate them and if possible try to connect with people in the wild (make eye contact, say thank you, give a smile)

This is by no means an exhaustive list but I think its a good start. Let me know what your think and add to give me ideas!

[fullcravings]

Easy No Bake Pumpkin Pudding Pie Cups

[everyoneisprettysure]

for posterity

[bonfiresofautumn]

uh oh it's almost August !

[everyoneisprettysure]

The Patriarchy: A Feminist View

Okay, that was a pretty intense title. I think I have a lot of strong views about it that have surprisingly changed and remained throughout my life. I'm sure they won't be very scholarly and are likely to be more hot takes than anything. However, its my anonymous blog and I can say what I want. The only difference from some of the men in my life and society is I recognize that people are allowed to have their very valid reactions to what I say and their opinions may differ.

I grew up in the era of Spice Girls. Where girl power was packaged very much in the realm of the male gaze. While I do think it is empowering I think it messed up my brain in a lot of ways. I was also raised religious (not intensely, just normal religious trauma) and that taught me to also protect my virtue and not be a floozy. This is very confusing for a teen girl whose body is changing and she is just learning it.

I have learned outside of the obvious there are some biological differences that are difficult to deny in the sexes. For example, assigned female baby infants tend to look and pay attention to faces more than their assigned male counterparts. Girls tend to have earlier development of language, probably due to that attention. Boys tend to develop faster motor skills and spatial reasoning ahead of their female counterparts.

Through school and into my twenties I was taught to accommodate and be considerate to men's shortcomings. Men don't remember as well, men don't consider others' needs in that way, men struggle with their emotions, if they like you you should go along with it if you can rather than hurt their feelings. Even my own brothers, while I loved them did not have the same expectations on household responsibility and empathy that I had. I heard language and media that constantly put down women for being annoying for just being excited, enjoying things, or not hating their bodies. I heard stories that every girl has about creepy and predatory guys that society allows to hide in plain sight and even sometimes pity that they can't get a girlfriend and "they're such a nice guy". As an overweight girl it often meant that guys treated me as an inconvenience and were sometimes outright dismissive/rude. I remember in one of my social work classes I was taught that in opposite sex couples its very easy for therapists to be perceived as "siding with the wife" when teaching the husband basic empathy that most girls are taught from an early age.

In my late 20s, I met my partner who I know had done his own religious deconstruction and in most ways was very feminist. He believed that we were equal partners and that we just had different skill sets. I saw it, and I didn't mind taking the lead on traditional feminine roles (party planning, cooking cleaning) because it wasn't his strength and he pulled his weight in other ways.

However in the last couple of years, my partner has really benefited from the defaulting of labor. If there are ambiguous tasks or tasks he delays long enough tend to end up on my plate. Yesterday I hosted a barbecue for my dad, husband, brother and his trans male partner and I handled and project managed most of it, to the point my brother in law made a joke about me being a "trad wife". I have asked for support and more partnership and it maintains briefly before falling off.

I do acknowledge that my partner has been struggling with mental health and chronic pain, however I think I am resentful that I don't think I would be allowed the same grace if the roles were reversed by my partner, family, or society. I think while marriage does afford me some economic stability and legal standing it also is a tool of the patriarchy and deconstruction can't remove internalized patriarchal values.

For my friends who are dating the bar is on the floor: job, kindness, basic follow through, wiping his own ass. Why is the bar on the fucking floor? Why do we allow it as a society and even perpetuate it. The Male Loneliness epidemic? I think it's a lack of emotional intelligence and a lack of accountability. I can concede they didn't get there on their own but at some point take some damn personal responsibility.

I don't have easy answers and I don't think there are any. I think that feminism can take a "us versus them approach" when I think many feminists I know (my mom included) also can perpetuate these values without fully realizing. I think we need to continue having a intentional discourse about how we raise this generation of children: all genders to have a more inclusive and equitable world.

[rosieandthemoon]

[rylandsgrace]

CHAPPELL ROAN via Instagram