The real boss battle was him breaking my heart at a baseball game he invited me to because things were getting too heavy between us. He had sent me a huge message two days prior, giving me his decision. He said we could still meet at the game (which was something we planned ahead of time), but it would be our final night together.
The first baseball game he had invited me to three weeks prior was something straight out of a dream... he was the weirdest, but sweetest, man ever that night. His titles meant nothing that night, and we had an awesome time hanging out for over five hours together. He was so goofy, and he had me laughing so much. It made me so happy, and I felt so lucky to have that moment with him. He offered to pay my way in since he knew I had no money at the time (which I got in free anyway), and he had a chair set up for me right next to him (a red chair, my favorite color). I remember him looking over at me, with this little cheeky grin of his, saying "We're like an old married couple". Shortly after, he joked and said "I would like you more with less piercings and tattoos". I told him "Too bad" with a smile and glanced over at him, and he had looked over at me with this really soft look, and he just kind of stared at me for a little bit, and quietly said, "I'm just joking". He looked away with a red face, and I just kept looking at him like 'Is he really going there right now?'. The whole night was just so amazing.
At that second game, it was the opposite. We cried. We battled. We sat in silence. We shared our hurt. And he spoke about the things that plagued him, and many of them had been for a very long time.
He told me how much he cared about me, which was something he filtered for a long, long time, even if his actions always spoke so loudly. He told me how much he thought about me, and how he "like, obsessed" over seeing me and getting to talk to me... and that he thought and worried about me more than his own family. Which brought up the dreaded words of "I need my family, [my name]". It was so gutting hearing it because I couldn't believe I was even in that position, but it completely blindsided me and it literally took the air out of my lungs when he struggled to say: "I got accused of cheating with you."
He was adamant that was not the reason we were splitting apart, and he got super defensive about it. He insisted he mentally could no longer do it.
For about ten or fifteen minutes during this game, when I first showed up, he needed some time alone and wanted me to speak to my other former teacher, B, who was there sitting on the other side of me uninvited. She was our middleman while I was in school, and while she didn't know the whole story, she knew we were very close knitted.
I couldn't stop looking over at him when he sat away in the stands, he looked so fucking sad. So heartbroken. His face was so red, and it broke my heart seeing him like that. I remember B telling me, "Just treat it like a breakup with him".
That got my attention, and I glared over at her.
"You want me to treat it like a breakup with my married teacher?"
"Well, don't think of it that way..."
"How else am I supposed to think of it?"
She didn't have much of an answer.
Throughout the night, I bawled my eyes out for the most part next to him. He kept repeating how sorry he was, and how much he cared about me. The later the night went, the less time we had. That's when he dropped the bombshell of the cheating accusation. That's when he told me he needed his family.
At the end of the night, when it was time to go, he told me to walk a separate way from the front gates. As he is an important person at the school, he had a key to a locked side gate. We walked up to it, and he was trying to find the key. He finally got it, and then he tried to unlock it, but his hands were shaking so badly he couldn't get it at first. I can't remember if I told him to take a deep breath here or not, but he eventually got it. It broke my heart even more watching him.
We get out to the parking lot. He parked a few vehicles down from me. He went up to his truck and he just stood there. I went to go walk to my car, but when I looked over my shoulder and saw him just staring so fucking sadly at me, I stopped, turned around, and quickly walked back to him and hugged him. He immediately hugged me back, and I tried not to cry as he started speaking softly to me.
He told me he cared about me more than I knew. That I would always be special to him. That he would always be here for me, and that he thinks the world of me. I don't even know how long we hugged, I just know I had my head tucked into his chest and I never wanted him to let go of me.
But I knew we had to eventually. I just couldn't even find myself to say any words.
When we finally parted, I began walking back to my car, and within a few steps, he had quickly gotten into his truck and he sped off so fast. By the time I got to my car, he was gone, and I just collapsed and bawled my eyes out for God knows how long...
That was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
It was one of the last nights I'd ever get to see my sweet, loving man. Over two years later, I still miss him every single day. Started cleaning up my life and getting shit straight, and I keep wanting him here, and keep expecting him to come walking in at any time, but he never does. I really miss him all the time. All the time.
That was really the boss battle.
I had told him I loved him about six months before, but I went about it in a very poor way, and that was what sent us in our long break. I thought that was the boss battle. But it wasn't. Because he came back, and he was even more sweeter and much more open with me.
I had a huge mental health crisis that late spring, and it spawned an ultimatum from him: it was him, or my drug lifestyle. I chose him immediately, and I got clean from that point on. He was so freaked out, thinking I had killed myself when really I was just coming down really hard and I was super depressed, that he showed up to where I was and gave me a reality check and shocked the life into me. "I care so fucking much about you" and "You want to do something? Why don't you start with getting off the fucking drugs?".
After that, he changed so much... and he was hurt, but he opened up entirely to me. We switched to his personal email, which was very... weird how he approached that and his justification for it was a bit of a red flag, and he out of the blue invited me to the first baseball game... which was something we NEVER did before, and nothing even close to anything we've ever done before... he was agreeing to be with me in public.
These last two years, I just had to keep going. There were times I didn't want to but I thought about that guy who was making me laugh and smile and it was just us in our own little world, and the happiness, peace, and comfort he gave me.
But these last two years, he just kept going in his direction. To the point that he won't let himself acknowledge me or anything to do with our past, and if he does, he gets so scatterbrained and I'll see a crack in his armor.
He was the sweetest man I had ever met and I got the honor of knowing as deeply as I did. I'm talking about that man who sends "Good mornings" and "I hope you slept well" and "Have a great day!" and constantly reminds you how much you mean to them and how much they care about you. And the one who was there for the great days to make them even more fun, or there on the bad days to help pick you up or maybe get a smile out of you. So many things I could say about him... he always made everything special. And he was so good at making me feel special, and cared for, and thought about. If he was busy, or away and out of town, he would say "I look forward to talking to you later" when he wasn't busy and was able to talk. He was my sweet, sensitive, emotional, soft-hearted, loving, smart, funny, and thoughtful person.
There was a time, during the worst of my drug addiction, only a month or two before we stopped talking, that he was running late to dinner with his family because he was comforting me and reassuring me. He had kept pointing out during our talk that I was mumbling nonsense while I thought I was speaking normally, and it caused me to start bawling my eyes out as it brought reality to my situation. His phone started blowing up, and in the midst of my mental breakdown, I asked him "Don't you have more important things to be doing than listening to me cry?". And he immediately put his phone back in his pocket, looked right at me, and dead serious said "No. I don't". And he sat back down.
He ended up 30 minutes late to dinner. And I felt horrible about it, but he kept telling me to not worry about it.
I don't know why I'm talking about it here. These past two years have been rough, for me and for our relationship in general, and I have no clue how he's been doing. I haven't really heard from him in two years.
Though my mental was in shambles, I was so much happier when he was in my life. Now that I straightened a lot of things out in my life, but he's absent, I find it hard to feel happy or anything that lasts... I wish nothing more than to share it with him, and to have him join me on my adventure once more.
Funny how I used to talk about him everyday here, and all the little things. But it's hard to talk about him anymore.
I've tried just about everything I can think of, including just not doing anything, and nothing works. I can never get through to him. You'd think if you meant that much to someone, and that it's been quite a while, that you'd see some type of reconciliation, right? He has yet to commit to anything, or acknowledge anything.
He was coming around a few months ago just about everyday for a week, making his presence known and even honking and waving at me which was something he hasn't done in years, but he stopped all that and I haven't seen him around since.
Oh, it just makes me so sad...
tangentwithtanner
vaporwave
dailybridgerton
annaxmalina
theartofmadeline
romaincrisis
andulkaphoto
