only trouble is, i'm dreaming my life away... @exopolitical - Tumblr Blog

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november was a bad month for me. and only friday did my work’s head office give my boss permission to write me up for it. i was insubordinate. confronted because i came to work late for something out of my control, and screamed, yelled, and cursed out my boss. went for a smoke break twice in one week when my boss suggested i had only been there for an hour and why did i need a smoke break so soon? i was so outside of myself that i just walked out both times. made privacy breach errors on deliveries twice in one week to the same addresses. my boss told me she told me she was worried i wasn’t caring enough or paying attention.

my head is constantly spinning. 2017 was the year i was misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder, after being to hospital three times telling staff i was scared i would hurt myself. saw a psychologist who assessed me for adhd. says i might have a learning disability if my working memory does not improve with stimulant medications. stimulants were started in november, and the side effects caused me to explode. ritalin and concerta were fucked. i have never been a person to scream and curse at people in charge. if anything, i cry when confronted. i’m confused at who i am/who i’ve become. in school, i may not have been the best student, but i could never see myself being written up for something so obscene at work. my sister told me that it runs in my family to not appreciate authority. my father ran his own business his entire life. i could see him yelling at a boss. did he rub off on me? what am i meant to do? should i go back to school for something i can work at independently so i don’t have to worry about these explosions? i am so embarrassed of myself.

i’m trying to work my shit out. i’m financially fucked, i live four hours away from any family to support me, i work full-time at a job i love but struggle to meet intense demands of near perfection... boyfriend drives a truck and is gone for weeks at a time. i can’t bring myself to do almost anything i used to enjoy. today i thought, i should put on some music and take my adhd meds even though it’s the weekend, maybe i’ll be productive. i’m reading about black holes and time travel and paradoxes. dug out a notebook one of my other sisters bought me for christmas. found a pen.

i don’t know where i’m going with this. it’s hard for me to form anything coherent. i guess this morning i woke up feeling a little hopeful. read about rock bottom and how some successful people have overcome. thinking about putting my write-up from my boss into an envelope and dating it for 2028. i’ll be 31 then. i hope to be able to laugh about this stage of my life, this stage where i so nearly threw everything away. i’ve been given a lot of chances. the week after screaming at my boss, i got a much needed raise. my meds are starting to even out. i’m feeling a little inspired. i must be very tentative to say that things seem to be looking up.

i refuse to be defined by these stupid mistakes. lapses of judgment. impulses. a lot of which i can’t control but for which i completely accept responsibility. i know i can’t be given special treatment from others. i just need to be more specially aware of myself than most need to be. no more yelling. more introspect. if anyone would talk to me i would appreciate it because i’m feeling pretty beside myself right now.