Expat Whisperer

Expat Career Coach | Author

[expatwhisperer]

Reverse Immigrant: Not Italian Enough For Italians, Not American Enough For Americans 

 Explores the challenges of reverse immigration and cultural belonging, detailing my experience as someone caught between two worlds at midlife. Reverse immigration is an increasingly common phenomenon, but the emotional and cultural complexities faced by individuals in this position often go unspoken. It blends personal storytelling with universal themes of cultural integration, alienation, and self-discovery in the context of Italian social structures, making it relatable for a wide audience.

 My heart pattered softly as butterfly wings as I stepped off the train in Milan Centrale. I visited Italy many times, but now, I came to plant myself as an Italian American dual citizen. Not as a seedling, those years were gone and I was fully formed, but rather as a reverse immigrant to propagate myself like a stem cutting in the soil of my ancestors who were driven out of Italy at the turn of the century by grim hunger and desparation, for a better life in America, toward something sharp and brilliant, like the glitter of a sword. I can only imagine what they would say about this decision exactly a hundred years after they risked their lives, suffered stinging prejudices, and did the backbreaking labor that built America, only watch me undo it in a single six-hour plane flight, but I had good reasons. The United States was no longer the country I grew up in and I don’t think they would recognize it either. American felt stifling to me, like an old basement crammed with relics from my past I no longer found useful. In Italy, I was rebuilding myself, personally and professionally, which did not translate into the life of my country. Perhaps they will forgive me because I returned to the motherland for the same reasons they went America, for the promise of a better life.

On an ordinary Tuesday in Paris, I received the second email in two years to teach English Language and Literature at an international school in Beddizole, a small town in the Lombardy region of Italy, just outside Brescia. Since leaving the United States with only the clothes on my back, I had lived in Paris for four years, but found it increasingly exasperating. Paris was beautiful, but the honeymoon seemed to end where French cynicism began. It has been said that the French live paradise, but they think they are living in hell, and it started to feel that way for me. Like a job. My language skills were steadily improving, and my quality of life was quite good compared to the United States, but I could not locate the promise of a joie de vivre, living joyously. Paris is a private club, and I was not invited. I was suffering from a mutated strain of Paris Syndrome, the disappointment I felt that my experience was not what I expected.

Since my “gray divorce” my motto has been to say “yes” to everything and so, I said yes, to this repeated job offer, even though I had already accepted a university position at a private French university. Once more, I packed my bags (I felt like I had one more move left in me) and hopped on a train to Milan, and then another to Brescia. The teaching job turned out to be a disaster that ended abruptly on Christmas Eve when I was summarily fired without just cause, but I’ve faced bigger dragons than this before in New York. During those cold and dark January weeks, I picked myself up despite the horror of my predicament and found better teaching work and I am thriving. Italy may not be perfect, but the Italians make me feel welcome, unlike the French, and that has made all the difference.

I am an Italian dual citizen and strangely enough, Italian-Americans invariably identify as Italian but we aren’t, at least not in the way that Italians understand it. To them, I am American with Italian roots, and there’s a difference. It should have triggered an identity crisis, but it didn’t. Still, I don’t feel American enough for Americans and not Italian enough for Italians. On the other hand, I’ve heard some Italians say I’m more Italian than they are because I have retained and understand the Italian traditions of a hundred years ago that they have not. It seems the question of cultural identity cuts both ways. More than anything else I regret, yet had nothing to do with, is that I cannot speak Italian fluently (yet). Hunger drove my ancestors in a hurry like gathering clouds to America and with it came a clear sky of gratitude which they expressed by insisting my parents speak English. This gratitude, quickened by pride, resulted in a great language loss by me and a daily source of embarrassment. I was raised by Italians and I know many Italian ways, attitudes, behaviors and even a handful of Neapolitan words, but I do not speak the language very well (yet) and so, to Italians, I’m not really Italian. The ancient Greek word βάρβαρος (bárbaros) meant “babbler.” To the Greek ear, someone who did not speak the Greek language babbled, producing the onomatopoeic sound “bar bar bar” which became bárbaros, and later barbaria in Latin. They thought, if you do not speak my language, you are not one of us and you are a barbarian. This gaping deficiency places me squarely in that cultural netherworld where I am neither Italian enough for the Italians nor American enough for the Americans. At the moment, I try to cover my shame with humor and say that I speak advanced babytalk, but I am diligently taking Italian lessons to rid myself of that indignity. I try to be gentle with myself and remember that neuroplasticity decreases with age and I am learning as fast as I can. Italians think I am missing out on a lot, and maybe they’re right, but I’ve had enough deep conversations in my life to know there isn’t much that’s new in the way of everyday discussion. Secretly, I don’t mind these moments of my zen silence where I can observe the locals in their natural habitat. It’s my guilty pleasure of maturity and the torrent of transcript chatter, like prices are too high, can’t believe she did that, this weather is awful, I’m so tired, I hate my job, my boss is a ass, and so on, is often predictable. That’s not to say that my daily struggles as an expat immigrant can be compared to someone who is a political, climate, or war refugee immigrant. I cannot know what level of trauma or culture shock they have experienced, what unexpressed grief and loss they have endured, but I do feel the occasional waves of guilt for leaving my kids (who are now adults and have their own life and actually applaud my lifestyle). Today, I regret nothing and I am content with my choices.

At the same time, choices often come with a price and the promise of a better life has cost me my old one. Losses add up incalculably, like attempting to number the waves on the shore of a limitless sea. In the six years I’ve lived abroad, in Paris and now Brescia, I have crossed one ocean and six time zones. I have lived in two different countries and six different apartments.  Missed three weddings, four funerals, and two christenings I could not attend, and dozens of birthdays. Lived through a global pandemic. Received four COVID vaccines. Been scammed twice. One, which required me to file a law suit. Filled out one serious police report and one minor. I’ve been in the hospital twice. Locked myself out once. I’ve cried in the shower hundreds of times. Missed four Christmases and Thanksgivings, and five Mother’s Days. I also missed attending my daughter’s college graduation in person but that was because of the pandemic. Heard about three divorces. Acquired two national health care cards and lost my American driver’s license because it expired. Been told it was not possible when it was, too many times to count. Experienced countless days feeling lost and lonely. Felt confused and anxious, not always, but often enough. I have been treated many, many times like I am less intelligent than I am because I’m American until I was able to prove differently. I’ve made lots of new friends, good, fiercely loyal friends, and then they moved away or I did. Every day I can’t express myself the way I want to and I feel like I am much smarter in English, so much funnier but those around me will have no idea. For one year, I thought I knew how to ask where the toilet was in Italian, only to discover I had been saying it incorrectly all along. Every day I have had to relearn how life works. I’ve had some of the most intense relationships, sexual experiences, and emotional feelings of my life. I have had four teaching jobs and been fired from one without just cause which is really scary as a woman, alone and broke in a foreign country. I have had a complete change of career from Intercultural Trainer and Expat Career Coach to English Language and Literature professor. I’ve gone to uncountable resturants, bars, café, concerts, clubs, and dance events along the Seine. Drank hundreds of bottles of wine. Traveled as far as Norway and as far south as the Greek Islands. I’ve done dozens of things I thought I would never do but, to take a line from Fight Club, “It is only when you lose everything that we are free to do anything.” I cannot tell you when is the right time to take action to change your life, or leave the country, but as Dorris Lessing said, “ Whatever you’re meant to do, do it now, the conditions are always impossible.”

I am American by birth, Italian by blood and residency, but at sixty-two and divorced with two grown children, I am comfortable enough in my own skin to accept these, and many other scratchy certainties. Eventually, I will become more proficient and perhaps the Italians will feel more comfortable with me because at the moment, they don’t know what to do with me. There is no model for a modern, middle-aged woman who knows she has another another life in her, especially in a country like Italy where ageism and sexism are prevalent, where women often have a less power and agency despite the veneer of education, occupation, or income.

Old ways are fossilized in stoney tradition. A Sicilian friend of mine whose family immigrated with their four kids from Sicily to the States when he was about ten, told me, nothing ever changes in Italy, especially not Italian ways. I didn’t quite fully grasp what he meant at the time, perhaps because I was young and couldn’t comprehend the idea that nothing could change because I was raised in the newest, new world, Southern California, a place synonymous with change. To him, Italy was the “old country” while I perceived it as a dazzling completeness of beauty, but the example he gave was simple: that Italian farmer has been drawing water from a well for the last hundred years, and that’s the way he will continue to get his water for the next hundred. Maybe it was a bit of an exaggeration, but he wasn’t wrong. For example, when I told him I received my Italian citizenship ID card, he cracked, ha! And it’s still issued on flimsy paper I bet, and then I began to understand what he was trying to tell me about the well. The Italian ID card has been in paper form for the last eighty seven years and was one of the last to go modern in the EU. The project of an electronic identity card began in 1997 and is finally a plastic card with an electronic chip. Getting things done here can feel as slow as waves rolling in, long and lazy, like sea-worn travelers.

Perhaps what I represent to Italians, and my students in particular, is uniquely made of Italian American DNA; a photo negative of their unmet dreams spirited by Italian Americans like Fiorello La Guardia, Mario Cuomo, and Giannini who rebuilt San Francisco and created the Bank of America; Geraldine Ferraro, Madonna, and Nancy Pelosi, sons and daughters of immigrants who built their dreams in the United States for the sake of others. There are second acts in America and this is an example of how mine is playing out in Italy. Maybe it’s my third.

Hemingway said there are all kinds of hunger. Memory is a hunger. Perhaps I was headstrong and foolish to return to my ancestral home, but I was driven for as long as I can remember to Italy because I had an insatiable appetite to satisfy the strong memory of family experiences that accompanied me all my life like an unwavering, loyal friend; driven by a malnourished soul few Americans can comprehend. On the other hand, I inherited the nourishing quality of Neapolitan resourcefulness: Arrangiarsi meaning to “make do” and figure it out yourself, and this character trait, whether born of personality or genetics or both, has served me well as an expatriate immigrant. Americans would call it as self-reliance, but whenever I am suffering from the mental, emotional, or physical exhaustion that comes from the stress and frustration of a life in significant transition, I lean on these attributes and the samsonite strength of my ancestors, rather than scattering it in agitation, from people who courageously crossed an ocean when it was unlikely they strayed far from their own villages, like Margliano or Sciscianno. Relatives who suffered from the tyranny of poverty and hunger; a desperate force that hurled them on to ships, leaving everyone and everything they once knew, behind. Once, when I was much younger, I asked my maternal grandfather, Saverio Mascia, why he left Italy and he tilted his head down a little mournfully at the imaginary dirt of his youth, swiping his shoe back and forth like a weary windshield wiper and told me, because there was nothing to eat. In the silence between us, I sensed there was trauma in that reply and I’ve probably recieved some part of that unwelcome inheritance. He moved back and forth frequently between Chicago and California duirng my childhood, like an indecisive waiter, unable to commit to either place for very long. Perhaps he was searching for a “geographic solution” in the expectation that moving would cure the profound melancholy that haunted him.

I come from a long line of Italian farmers. Saverio or “Sam” was a farmer and his father was a farmer, and so on, as far back as I could document in the geneological descriptions. As a landless, post-unification Mezzogiorno peasant, life offered up a chronic plate of hardship, exploitation, and violence, particularly around the “triangle of death” outside Naples of Acerra, Nola, and Marigliano, the latter where my grandmother, Pasqualina was born. The soil was barren, yielding little; malnutrition and disease were prevalent during the Great Wave of Immigration between 1880 – 1924 when nearly a million Italians came to the United States, half of them between 1900 – 1010 when my ancestors came[1] which now makes up the nation’s fifth largest ethnic group in America. The reasons people immigrate are ususally this dire, or worse, but in my case although I was not starving, it felt that way, emotionally. Most migrants and refugees leave because they are desperate or live in fear, or both; forcably displaced because of persecution, conflict, violence, and unspeakable human rights violations. People who are desperate do desperate things because death is like a predator, chasing them from behind, and instead of fighting, they flee from it, too terrified to fight back. I left because I was tired of the quarreling at home, with the fallen ideals of my country, and a dozen other reasons strewn on the floor but my exodus was a choice and I believed I could, as a divorced, middle-aged woman on a fixed income, make a lateral move that would stabilize, if not improve, the standard of living I was accustomed to, but I could not explain this concept adequately enough to my American friends and family. I suffered from exulansis, the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it—whether through envy or pity or simple foreignness. And, I refused to be buried in New Jersey.

Sam arrived, first at Ellis Island. I know that because I saw his name commemorated on the immigrant wall. He continued on to Chicago, presumably because he had friends and distant relatives there, not unlike me when I first moved to Paris before coming to Italy, but we American expats don’t congeal into the jellied “little” enclaves like other relationship-oriented people. We are more individualistic and less likely to form tribes into a coherent diaspora abroad because that’s how we’re wired. He was unskilled, illiterate, and did not speak English. I am educated, skilled, and don’t speak much Italian (yet), but my advantages don’t make the foreign feel more any more familiar, they are only less worse, and cultural adaptation takes time. The difference is, he could become American and I am unsure if I will, or want, to become Italian. Perhaps I will be Italian-ish. He dug ditches and laid labyrinthian pipes at the feet of Chicago’s big shoulders. I reinvented my career as an English Language and Literature teacher, however we both felt the need to escape; for him, from a semi-feudal society that increasingy held little in the way of opportunity; for me, from a country that has veered off the rails into casino capitalism and gone mad politically. (Under Italian law, I have the right to asylum from an undemocratic country!) According to Freedom House, the America has experienced a 16-year decline in global freedom. The US score in Freedom in the World fell by 11 points on a 100-point scale in the decade from 2010 to 2020, with an accelerated deterioration of 6 points during the presidency of Donald Trump. In Freedom in the World 2022, which covers the events of 2021, gains in the US score were counterbalanced by declines and the total remained at 83. That put the country on par with Panama, Romania, and South Korea, and about 10 points below historical peers like Germany and the United Kingdom.[2] His thickly calloused hands built Chicago’s infrastructure and I unveil a new world perspective to my gregarious Italian students who are unintentionally ensnared in the old world. At the end of the immgration wave, he was one of five million Italians who came to America and I am one of five million American expatriates who live scattered around the world, one of the sixteen-thousand living in Italy.

Back and forth, Italians and their descendents have left Italy, settled elsewhere, and some, like me, have returned to the motherland, by a zionian pull so strong that some of us must go back, but it is not a paradise, and it is my impression that one day, this gorgeous and beloved country may become one of the least ethnicnally identifiable, culturally in the world[3]. It is rowing upstream against a strong downward current towards an epic demographic crisis; a perfect storm of an aging population, declining birth rates, and a brain drain. The aging population is called the “Silver Tsunami” with over half the population over 45 and one of the world’s longest lifespans. The low “fertility trap” or negative birth rate is twelve deaths for every 7 births. The fuga di cervelli or “brain drain” is the working age population leaving to be employed in other countries, however 30-50 percent of them returned (called the ritornati) so the trend is positive. The millenial exodus could be caused by many factors, but perhaps the most obvious is the lack of opportunity, employment, and chronic bureaucracy; a slow justice system and cumbersome tax regulations. However, like many other countries thanks to the pandemic, Italy has attempted to “trampoline” to become more modern and competitive. As a teacher, I hope I am part of this effort by exposing students to as many new ideas and perspectives as possible; to prevent them from becoming part of the fossilized Italy trifecta. That, and phrasal verbs.   

Italy is breathtaking, but this mozzafiato is a double-edged sword, preserved, or petrified, across landscapes, architecture, monuments, and basilicas, yet at the same time, it reflects the paralysis to change social systems, especially around income inequality and deep-seated sexism[4]. For Italians who are reluctant to change, it took, and will probably only take again sadly, another authoritarian figure like Mussolini (who built roads, bridges, and buildings) to retool the nation's economy. One look at the architecture of those fascist style buildings he built during his dictatorship, large and symmetric with sharp non-rounded edges, will tell you that this was revolutiony. One day, as I stood in the middle of the grand Piazza Dell’Loggia in Brescia where I live, an Italian from Udine told me, look at the difference between this post office he built and the old palazzo architecture beside it. To Italians at that time, this was New York City. It represented both innovation and a reverential nod to their Roman roots, and it was way ahead of its time compared to the medieval architecture that had stood like vigilant centurions for centuries. He was the future. They succumed to his authority not because they liked his politics so much as they needed someone like him to get things done. I never thought of it that way. Perspective is always about who’s telling the story.

To underscore this notion that change happens slowly in Italy, it was only recently in 1861 that it became a country. It is second only to the United States (1776) as one of the newest old countries to be formed which could not, and would not have thought to, unify itself. It is a combination of nearly 20 nations states that shared neither language (for the most part) customs, nor tradition. Italians were accustomed to living next to, but not in harmony or unity with, other Italians. They could, however, rely on two things: family and di arrangiarsi, and barring that, particularly in the South, below Naples including Sicily, the mafia stepped in to fill the void of law and order to provide “protection” where the state did not. The forgotton South took matters, for better or for worse, into their own hands when it came to law and order or economic prosperity until recently. Change happens at a gacial pace, a testiment to the often obdurate and defiant Italian mentality. It’s fitting to note that I live in the heart and soul of old Brescia, next to a Roman temple dating back to the first century AD during the Roman Empire. What’s important is that there are pre-Romanesque ruins below that site from the Bronze and Iron Age. Italian ways seem as old as their layered history. That’s not to say they’re not spontaneous which is a contradiction to what I’ve observed, and they are, but I think their spontenaity is born as a reaction to this rigidity, rather than an anomaly and they can be surprisingly flexible when it comes to la dolce vita or living life in the moment, enjoying the sweetness of doing nothing, which I’ve become spectacularly good at. If Italians, or other cultures, contain contraditions, then they contain the multitudes of humanity, of both the ideal cultural values and the possible negative perceptions.

What will happen to Italian culture and identity as a result of their history and current transition into the 21st century is anyone’s guess during this demographic winter. Who is Italian, what makes an Italian, or Italian American? What will Italy or Italians look like in the future given the current immigration dilemmas and short-termed solutions, like the 1 Euro housing scheme desgined to attract people, foreigners mostly, to revive abandoned hilltop villages, who can tell, but I suspect they will not be solved by selling off real estate which implies a doubt in the country’s ability to get at the root of the problem, systemically. When there is a vacuum of decision-making power, what takes the place may not be in the country’s best interest and it can be vulnerable to a cultural, socio-political malware that has nothing to do with the ideals, identity, or interests of Italians. Like the dinosaurs, Italy may look like it’s about to become extinct but perhaps the glimmer of hope may lay in their fossilization, in the amber of the ritornati; the returning millenials and Italian Americans who embody the ideals and work ethic they were able to demonstrate and execute successfully elsewhere, without the deterrant nuissance of tradition.

The contradiction that struck me most with remarkable surprise, was what I saw so clearly in myself for the first time; how Italian I was and was not. The Southen Italian I am is a dutiful mix of compliance to food, music, and the dialect of my immigrant ancestors from a hundred years ago. A time capsule preserved by sheer force of my memory’s carabiners to things which no longer exist particularly in the modern, dynamic, energetic North. A southern persona that is grossly mythologized by superstition (like the corna, cornetto, and malocchio) and of course crime, an idea that author and former Minister of Finance of Greece, Yanis Varoufakis has corrected because while the South is corrupt, it is low-level corruption, cheap corruption, whereas the north practices industrial scale, systematic, beautifully designed, high-tech corruption[5]. It was a staggering surprise for me during the entry phase that began with shock and ended with forelornness. I was not who I thought I was, ethnically. On the other hand, there is also a smugness I feel because I know, just as the arhictecture and Italian ways are set in stone, so is my Italian-ness. To return to my roots and to embrace its traditions. Italians may feel a sharp pang of regretful wonder at my particular species of Italian American, but I’d like to think I might be that minuscule grain of sand to an unsuspecting oyster, one that could contribute a slight pearl of knowledge and experience to my Italian students who might think differently about their world because I exposed them to the new one. Perhaps to prevent it from becoming “Like white sepulchers, beautiful on the outside but filled with dead men’s bones on the inside.”

 Notes:

1.     https://www.pbs.org/destinationamerica/usim_wn_noflash_5.html#:~:text=Italian%20emigration%20was%20fueled%20by,malnutrition%20and%20disease%20were%20widespread.

2.     https://italicsmag.com/2020/12/01/why-millennials-are-moving-back-to-italy/

3.     https://apnews.com/article/europe-business-health-coronavirus-pandemic-italy-fde87cd63c7c388f2684cd0450b882f4

  [1]https://www.pbs.org/destinationamerica/usim_wn_noflash_5.html#:~:text=Italian%20emigration%20was%20fueled%20by,malnutrition%20and%20disease%20were%20widespread

[2] https://freedomhouse.org/report/freedom-world/2022/global-expansion-authoritarian-rule/reversing-decline-democracy-united-states

[3] https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/oct/07/italy-births-far-right-demographic-winter?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

[4] https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2023/jul/16/any-victim-is-a-liar-sexual-violence-scandals-in-italy-expose-deep-seated-sexism

[5] https://fb.watch/nhbdwB9tQq/

[expatwhisperer]

101.culture.hacks

Preview eBook: for Americans abroad (and other digital nomads) to thrive globally, one unwritten rule at a time

These are a few of the most frequently encountered pain points that cause culture shock and how to handle it.

Deciphering the hidden dimensions of culture can improve the quality of life and increase career opportunities with far-reaching benefits.

While you may never visit all the world’s countries long enough to understand how things are done, these are some hacks to avoiding:

Avoid embarrassing faux pas

Learn how to act and react

Speed up assimilation

Understand social etiquette

[expatwhisperer]

Speaking (25 or more)

A very big conversation, with your group. 

I have guest lectured on cross-cultural communication, global business practices and ethics at CETYS Universidad Baja Mexico, IBM School of Graduate School of Management Nice, France and CUNY Baruch College, Zicklin School of Business. Have also spoken to groups and moderated panel discussions about global talent mobility including SHRM New York, Global Business HR, Duty of Care, SIETAR Europa Congress – Dublin 2017. What can I talk to your group about? 

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#2 - RISE

5 hours of focused career advice, in increments of your choice, with resume review, assessment, and revamp. Includes latest industry insights and resources. Supported by Skype and email access to clarify coaching strategy and implementation. Identifies cross-cultural contexts and potential challenges. Interviewing skills to close the loop. Overview of social media tools and networking recommendations. 

[expatwhisperer]

#3 - SOAR

10 hours of intense coaching, in increments of your choosing, for candidates who are developing a start-up or considering a major career change. Includes self-employment advice and resources to incorporate a business, or become an independent contractor. Can also focus on powerful career advice with total resume review, assessment, and revamp. Includes deep industry insights and resources. Supported by live meetings, Skype calls, and unlimited email access to clarify, strategize, and implement plan of action. Integrates cross-cultural contexts, potential challenges, and consequences. New business branding, brain storming, or straight job search, with follow-up, and close loop. Social media tools, recommendations, and meaningful networking. Includes customized bio, video resume if desired, and head shot style consultation. Customized eBook.

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#5 - MASTERMIND

A fully customizable package for you to create, that's a 90-minute master session if you're still unsure about what you need. Let's talk!

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#1 - LAUNCH

2 hours of expert access to coaching knowledge, tools, and resources that includes:

Resume assessment, review, and revamp.

Skype calls to discuss progress and cultural challenges. 

Email access to discuss, clarify, and strategize.

General career advice and resume revamp including industry tools, insights, and resources with email access to clarify coaching strategy and implementation. 

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#1 - USA Job Search Checklist

Your free job search checklist for the USA.

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Global Business HR

Understanding Mobile Talent Begins with Cultural Self-Awareness

[expatwhisperer]

DECONSTRUCTING BULLIES

Unless you've been living in a cave the last few weeks, you no doubt been bombarded with the horrific images of the recent rash of violent school-based incidents. Teens luring a cheerleader classmate to a home and beating her repeatedly while the video camera rolls; a teacher being assaulted in her classroom by students; a high-schooler throwing a metal chair at another in class knocking the victim unconscious; a 13-year middle schooler who admits that he planned to shoot up his school because he was being bullied.

Even more appalling than these animalistic acts themselves seems to be the general lack of outrage about them! A few choice "oh my GOSH-es" and we seem to be done for the day. The media is more interested in post-game quarterbacking, trying to decide if these children should be tried as juveniles or adults, or whether a well-known comedian's mother's book would be the answer to these ills, than it is in actually analyzing the root cause and investigating solutions.

What's WRONG with this picture?

We as a country spend billions of dollars annually on anti-bullying programs in our schools, yet the incidents not only continue, they appear to be getting worse in severity and frequency, and occur in increasingly-younger students. Today, our kids stand a one-in-four chance of becoming victims of some form of school-based violence before they reach high school. NEWS FLASH: what we're doing isn't working!

So, the knee-jerk reaction is to play the blame game: it's YouTube, it's the Internet, it's broken homes, it's our global lifestyle. But, blaming isn't fixing. We have to accept that instead of trying to minimize or manage the existing problem of bullying and school-based violence, we have to focus on preventing it in the first place. Today's children are just not coming into school - into life - equipped with adequate social skills and character development that helps them understand that this kind of behavior is simply NOT OK. They are not taught to respect and value differences among people, in opinions, in actions. "It's all about me!" is the mantra of many of our youth today, and the behavior we see splattered all over the 'net is the result.

People may argue that social skills education belongs in the home, not in the schools, and I'd be the first to agree. But, our schools have become a war zone, where teachers spend more time disciplining students and trying to keep order than they do teaching! Is it any wonder our schools under-perform? If you were losing 20/30/50% of your average educational time because of behavior issues, how effective do you think you could be?

The good news is that there is a better way. Social skills education works, when properly implemented. Bullying is not just reduced - it's eliminated. Not because there are more "enforcers" around, in the form of extra administrators, counselors, or police, but because the students won't stand for it. A comprehensive social skills program, integrated into the core curriculum, can restore order, sanity, and productivity to the schools. It raises student and teacher morale - it even contributes to better test scores. It helps produce not only good students, but good people.

How many more of our kids must be intimidated, hurt, or killed before it becomes important enough to DO something about instead of just talk about it around the water cooler the next morning? Our children deserve to feel safe, to feel valued when they leave our homes to go to school. We as parents and as taxpayers must insist that the increasing cycle of school violence be stopped.

Instead of just shaking our heads and saying what a shame it all is, let's ask ourselves the tough questions about why it happened, and actually be willing to be honest with the answer. Then we can start doing something to fix it.

[expatwhisperer]

DECONSTRUCTING FEMALE EMPOWERMENT

If America advocates women's empowerment, why is it so hard to achieve? The message from both government institutions and private enterprise to women publicly encourages them that You can do it. Then Facebook CEO, Sheryl Sandberg tells women to lean in from her eponymous  book. In a Presidential Proclamation, President Barack Obama said, “Across the globe, there are girls who will one day lead nations, if only we afford them the chance to choose their own destinies.” While the word “women” was mentioned 82 times in a 2013 State of the Union Address -- more than any other -- the overall reaction to the speech on Twitter was negative. 

I can’t help but wonder, if women aren't  achieving socioeconomic parity with men in the Anglo cluster countries (USA, Canada, Australia, England, and New Zealand) is it any wonder they struggle in China, India, and the Arab world?

The answer seems unclear at first to the untrained eye. After all, Women's Suffrage seemed unstoppable in late 19th century America. In the 1970’s, American women fought for the equal pay for equal work and made great strides. Today, the women’s movement calls for a greater influence in politics. True, the pay gap has narrowed significantly for Millennial women who are the first generation in the USA to start their work life at near parity with men at 93% to the dollar. Yet, overall women continue to struggle for their equal rights, their reproductive and human rights against domestic violence, maternity leave, sexual harassment, and sexual violence. So if, after nearly 100 years of struggle and protest, the most Western woman in the world can't achieve the desired level of socioeconomic equality with men, is it any wonder that honor killings, forced abortion, sex trafficking, and child labor still exist in China, India, Northeast and Northwest Africa, and parts of the Arab world?

These reproductive and human rights issues continue to be a catastrophic concern to the World Health Organization. What’s more, there is continued opposition to female genital mutilation. This World Mapper shows how populations rate on the Gender Empowerment Measure.In many countries, women own nothing, inherit nothing and earn nothing. Three out of four of the poorest billion people of the world are women.

 The Gender Empowerment Measure is an indicator of opportunities for women. It takes into account the female share of parliamentary representation; proportions of legislators, senior officials, managers, professional and technical employees who are women; and the ratio of female to male earnings. By this measure, women have the most opportunities in Western Europe. The fewest opportunities for women are in the Middle Eastern territories of Yemen and Saudi Arabia. There was no data for any territory in Central Africa.Male child preference is deeply rooted in patriarchal cultures of India and China producing what’s been called the Asian Male Surplus. Traditional practices foster it like the dowry system in India (bride price) reduce the humanity of women to a disposable commodity resulting in fetus sex selection (or selected abortion), violent dowry deaths over “inadequate dowry” mental trauma, bride burnings, induced suicides, physical and mental torture the husband, or in-laws, despite the unenforced “Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act 2005”.

In China, it’s perpetuated in two ways: a strong traditional preference by parents for boys plus the One Child Policy. The result is female infanticide and child trafficking to ensure female brides for boys. So, while American women may be quick to sympathize at the detriments of harmful traditional cultural practices, we would be wise to take a closer look at our own hidden patriarchal cultural values prevent us from achieving real liberation. Cultural values may be the culprit for the hindrance of women’s empowerment.Cultural values affect our every waking moment. They are the unconscious drivers responsible for determining what we think and do in ways we never dreamed of. They have little to do with evident culture like food, clothing, customs, or accents. Rather, they are hidden values; the implicit values and assumptions that lie beneath the “cultural iceberg” that account for how we think, process information, view time and relate to others. Understanding them will enable you to not only steer around the unseen and profound dimensions of culture, but understand dilemmas like gender inequalities.

To shed some light on the status of women in the USA and elsewhere, it’s useful to apply the Five Dimensions of Culture Index (5-D) – a cross-cultural benchmark index that describes the effects of a society's culture on the values of its members; and, how these values relate to behavior using a structure derived from factor analysis. The theory has been widely used in several fields as a paradigm model for research, particularly in cross-cultural psychology, international management, and cross-cultural communication.

This “lens” demonstrates cultural differences in comparison to others. They are spectral tendencies, so while people are unique, social control ensures most people don’t deviate too much from the norm. Knowing these tendencies provides practical insight into your own culture which can be applied to your daily life in a foreign country, when dealing with foreign clients, and so on.

If we take a look at the MAS Index highlighted above, there are clues as to why women are neither able to lean in from the West nor surmount horrific oppression from the East. MAS Index represents the area of Masculine and Feminine tendencies in cultures. In Masculine cultures, the differences between gender roles are more dramatic and less fluid than in Feminine ones, where men and women have the same values of modesty and caring. In Masculine cultures, the dominant values are achievement and success. It also represents a preference for achievement, heroism, assertiveness, and material reward for success. Society at large is more competitive. On the other hand, Femininity, stand for a preference for cooperation, modesty, caring for the weak and quality of life. Society at large is more consensus-oriented.According to the 5-D Model, the USA scores relatively high on the Masculine Values (MAS) index: 63 indicating an unequal distribution of emotional roles between the genders.

This is a real impediment to American women from achieving social and economic parity. Nordic countries, on the other hand, compared with the USA, score is extremely low: Norway scores 8 and Sweden only 5. In contrast, it’s very high in Japan (95) and in European countries like Hungary, Austria and Switzerland influenced by German culture. The implications of these high scores are enormous because the kind of values that are encouraged in America – by men and women, and understanding this is crucial -- are competitiveness, assertiveness, materialism, ambition and power; tendencies that do not reflect the norms of women. In the Far East (China), Near East (India) and Middle East (Pakistan) where harmful traditional practices and male preference are favored, the scores are as high as the USA. Young girls are killed, aborted, or abandoned simply because they are girls.

The United Nations estimates as many as 200 million girls are missing in the world today because of this so-called gendercide. Girls who survive infancy are often subject to neglect, and many grow up to face extreme violence and even death at the hands of their own husbands or other family members. The war against girls is rooted in centuries-old tradition and sustained by deeply ingrained cultural dynamics which, in combination with government policies, accelerate the elimination of girls.

It’s a Girl, a documentary shot on location in India and China, reveals the issue. It explores why this extreme version of gender disparity happens, and why so little is being done to prevent it. The answer is cultural. The film tells the stories of abandoned and trafficked girls, of women who suffer extreme dowry-related violence, of brave mothers fighting to save their daughters’ lives, and of other mothers who would kill for a son. Harrowing to watch, global experts and grassroots activists put the stories in context and advocate different paths towards change, while collectively lamenting the lack of any truly effective action against this injustice.

Desert Flower, a film based on the life of Somali-born model Waris Dirie, also seeks to change the harmful traditional practice of FGM. It’s about her journey from pastoral nomad in Somalia to a career in the West as a fashion model, to anti FGM activist. Organizations here in the United States such as the Pastoralist Foundation seek to address these issues too where there are an estimated quarter million women at risk for FGM.

Women’s rights are human rights. Cultures with a high masculine tendency and male preference violate both. Aggressive, suppressive, authoritative male values can be, if misguided and abused, more menacing than we can imagine – even in the land of free women. Our struggle to break the glass ceiling or efforts to lean in may look easier in the West because our obstacles don’t feel as injurious or fatal. However, unless there is a shift away from these severe MAS cultural tendencies in the United States, how can we begin to fathom empowerment of young girls and elsewhere?

[expatwhisperer]

DECONSTRUCTING ANCESTRAL EVE

Fearless Eve

Genetic anthropology demonstrates that human populations have been on the move for the past 200,000 years. We have been migrating from continents and immigrating to countries ever since African Eve -- the first "fearless woman"  walked out of Africa. As the first known female genetic ancestor of every person alive today, she proved we all share a common ancestor and therefore, all of us are related. I like to think she had a vision for herself, and for humanity and that in her quest for life, liberty and happiness, she saw the big picture. Peaceful coexistence in a world without squiggly black lines we call country borders. We do not exist without her drive, tenacity and open mindedness. None of us would. As she ambled across those planes and forests, waded through the swamps and trekked up the hills, I can't help but think that she not only had a yen for wanderlust, but a desire to do the right thing. I'm happy to trace my deep ancestry to her. We all ought to be. We've got optimistic genes in us all.

In a globalized world, people no longer move merely as a cog in the wheel of evolutionary survival. Rather, it has taken on a heightened sense of urgency for prosperity. Those arbitrary lines on our maps are man-made but the earth belongs to us all. While those lines have created fascinating cultures, humanity now seems destined for something bigger. It seems poised to transcend those black squiggles with all the ingenuity and spirituality the globalized world can muster because the globalized workforce must move across the boundaries of countries and continents to make a better life. This is the 21st century reality. Oddly enough, not every person, country or culture has caught up with that idea, especially the developed nations that practically invented this hot, flat and crowded world of moving people.

What Is Globalization?

In order to understand the globalized world, I like to share an email I received a while back by a cross-cultural colleague who said that globalization looked like Princess Diana's death. And I thought, what an absolutely morbid and inappropriate thing to say! When I asked why, he replied:"Because she was an English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend, who crashes in a French tunnel, in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian drunk on Scottish whisky, chased by Italian Paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This email was sent to you by a Canadian, using American, Bill Gates' technology and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen and trucked to you by Mexicans." You get my meaning.

Improving the quality of life means different things to different people. Universally, though, despite cultural and religious differences, it can mean relocating for a career advancement, improving your financial future or immigrating because there are better educational and job opportunities for your kids. No matter what the reason is, people have moved, are moving and will continue to move. The pettiness of America's immigration reform xenophobia diminishes the globalized opportunities it was instrumental in creating. So it's incumbent on countries, like the U.S.A., reap what they have sown. To seize the change we have created and accept the human capital for the opportunities it creates. Yet, in my country of opportunities, success depends not only on what it can offer the world, but on what the world of people can deliver to the country they now call home.

Two-Way Street

For populations that come and go, the givers and receivers of countries, cultures and nations, there are gains and losses on both sides. There is no movement without change. No success without risk. However, this is the very process that has shaped the success of the U.S.A. and the American character. According to the cross-cultural literature, America is the most individualist-oriented culture compared to the rest of the collectivist-oriented world. Eighty percent of the rest of the world puts the needs of the group before the needs of the individual because fundamentally, people are born dependent and connected. While American individualism (or independence) may be hard to understand, it's not only desirable, but necessary.

Americans created (and practically invented) that singularly unique and remarkable quality, because they were unafraid of people moving either to the U.S.A. as immigrants, or within its borders to continue that momentum of success, achievement and opportunity, after they arrived. This mobile behavior benefits the entire planet. It's the change that fosters prosperity and improves living standards. With success comes risk and no one knows that better than a pioneer. The success of globalization has created a new reality (cooperation, synthesis). The pioneers who venture out (loss, thesis) and the host nations who receive them (gain, antithesis) form a new paradigm. People move the information, goods and services that are making globalization happen.

The "American way" of life or elevated standard of living is being aspired to by hundreds of millions of people around the world, especially the BRIC, but not as Americans understand it. We have a hard time understanding the hybrid versions of it. Many nations retain their political ideology and social values while embracing American free market capitalism. Oddly enough, like Americans, it is human nature to innovate, not copy.

On the other hand, what happens when leaving what you know behind is met with rejection? What about the perception of a "selfish" America by new immigrants? It's important to know that upon closer inspection, the pioneering mindset of the U.S.A. means that Americans take care of themselves and expect others to do the same. Independence, or self-reliance, is a key American virtue because it means to be self-supporting. Films and TV show heroes, usually ordinary individuals, save the day (or the world) by acting on their own, sometimes bypassing rules and authorities and ignoring group opinion. This is the mindset -- for better or for worse -- that paved the way for the freedom to forge a better life.

Take the Tibetans and China, the Mexicans and America, the Middle Eastern people and Europe. Each one of these cultures fears losing their cultural identity and sometimes refuses to adapt in one way or another. They have created cultural conflicts and sometimes, outright rejection by the host culture or, on the other hand, may be a result of the immigrant rejecting the notion of total assimilation which was commonly adopted during the mass wave of immigration to America during the 19th century. However, those immigrants also chose to move here for a better future. It's a two way street though, and the nature of immigration is changing. How and why people move, migrate and immigrate, and when and where they will go continues to unfold.

If scientific evidence tells us that the journey of our fearless African Eve was driven by insufficient resources, food and land, then not much has changed. Today people still move for much the same reason, only now it's with a heightened sense of peace and prosperity. This is what it means to get globalized, fearlessly. To be unafraid to pioneer the idea of lifting yourself up and out of your current state of being, wherever that may be.

While America is no longer considered a "melting pot," it is still a country where there's a high chance of engagement among people of other cultures. Now we use the "salad bowl" metaphor, symbolizing the American Kaleidoscope -- in which different cultures mix, but remains distinct. At the same time, the days of the Great Wall of China or the Berlin Wall mindset of isolation is all but gone with the exception of countries like North Korea. People, countries and cultures that resist globalization, erecting barriers, are failing to ride the waves of culture and miss the opportunity for a better future. All that's left is the useless ethnocentrism that isolate and limit subsequent generations who may feel lost without a sense of belonging anywhere, much less cultural identity. What was considered home for one generation, may be something very different for another. While it's understandable that change brings uncertainty, tolerating risk comes with the territory of pioneering new frontiers.

Face It

This is the spirit that welcomes differences -- like America can -- along with new ideas and a different type of unity, one that may not be visible just yet, but may be looming, just over the horizon. Just as African Eve could not know what future she would bring humanity, our future may also unfold in ways we cannot imagine either. It may be that the globalization which first emerged from the American shores may evolve into something quite different. A hybrid of where we are now, if we move with the process and get out of our own way. One driven by the pioneering engine of Western style capitalism, atomized and individualistic, yet feel more Eastern and transcending, coexisting peacefully and harmoniously.

Some nations embrace the global movement of information, goods and services. Others may resist it, but undoubtedly humanity is the face of it. Whether nations embrace open borders for opportunities to improve living standards or they restrict them (and the potential revenue streams) it seems to be about fight or flight. A fear of losing part of ourselves or a perceived insecurity without a firm cultural identity. Perhaps we can transcend the impermanence of these man-made notions of what it means to be human because we think they preserve us and our species. However, we know that cultural values are learned behaviors and they can be unlearned however ingrained, but this takes time.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama said, the world is becoming smaller and one can easily recognize that everyone on earth is connected. We all suffer and experience joy. To meet the challenges of our times, though, we must develop a greater sense of universal responsibility. In a globalized society, we can find strength through that connection and forge a pathway to peace and prosperity for all.

[expatwhisperer]

DECONSTRUCTING SOUTH PATERSON NEW JERSEY

Upper West Side suburban types think South Paterson as Jersey's hood. You’d have to squint pretty hard to imagine Paterson as the Silicon Valley, but in it's heyday during the industrial revolution, this rust belt looking town made everything from cotton and silk to iron and trains.

The incongruities don’t end there.  It is also William Carlos Williams’ eponymous modern epic poem described as “Whitman's America, grown pathetic and tragic, brutalized by inequality, disorganized by industrial chaos, and faced with annihilation. No poet has written of it with such a combination of brilliance, sympathy, and experience, with such alertness and energy.”

South Paterson Home to the largest Turkish-American immigrant community in the U.S. – at last count about 20,000, down from about 60,000, fifty years ago and the second largest Arab community after Dearborn, Michigan. Visit these streets on a Muslim holiday and you’re likely to see the kids who attend Prospect Park public schools hanging out, observing the festivities with their families.

And not unlike the Middle East, Little Ramallah  -- bordered by Madison Avenue to the north, Crooks Avenue to the south, Hazel Street to the west, and East Railway Avenue to the east – suffers from something of an identity crisis because it is alternately called Little Arabia or Little Istanbul due to the equally large numbers of Turks, Syrians and Lebanese.

Still, according to exasperated local Turks – although they don’t let on because that’s just not a Turk’s style – one is either a Turk or an Arab, but not both. Both can be of the Islamic World, but not religiously. Turkiye is secular, and doesn’t practice Islam. It is a buffer to fundamentalist Islam, but itself is neither East nor West, which defines both its problem and its blessing. Its heart is in Asia (Ankara) but it faces Europe (Istanbul).

South Paterson, it only looks Arab. Upon closer inspection of the business signs and you realize, they are not Arabic.

The contradictions keep coming, for we have crossed the great divide from West to East. Turks also read right to left. Like Greeks, they say “no” by nodding their head up and down, much like the West gesture “yes”.  “Yes” is a downward nod, which looks like the Western gesture for “no”.

Once you get past the cultural reversals, preconceived notions, and unfamiliar language you realize you are having an authentic cultural experience subtitled by Turkish “authenticity”.

 Oz Karadeniz 1023 Main St. Paterson, NJ  [phone]

The smell of something grilling thrilled me nostrils first toward a local eatery slash watering hole where a few of the neighborhood men check in to say hello, use the phone, catch a soccer game, or a smoke.

Ahmet and his wifeYadigar Bayrou make a succulently grilled Chicken Doner Kebabs,  with bulgur wheat and pilaf, Cacik Yogurt sauce with garlic and dill. Swill it down with pure peach soda. Best part of the meal was talking to, the owner about the neighborhood. He explained the meaning of the handmade artifacts on his walls and introduced me to the “boss” (his wife) making delicious dips and salads along with his daughter-in-law. His grandson, Joseph doing handstands on the chair of my table was a charming little kid with big brown eyes. I thanked him profusely for his hospitality, and left feeling satisfied.

Drizzly and gray, I was about to head home when I wandered next door to the only Turkish book shop in the tri-state area called "Zinnur” at 1019 Main St. [phone], run by Zinnur -- previously seen hanging around next door at Oz – who (before I knew it) poured me a glass of Turkish tea in a delicate little tulip glass an homage from the Lalezar era of the Ottomans. Quiet and ready to listen to my questions, he and a store colleague and another guy who was just passing through, reminded me that the rest of the world still takes to stop. And. Talk. To an ethnographer reporter, a citizen diplomat who would tell the real story of Oz to the Suburbanites.

  I stopped off on the way home at Taskin, the Turkish bakery where again, I was shown the famous Turkish hospitality inquiring about the Turkish flat bread called “Pide”, handmade and brick oven baked. They come topped with sesame seeds and black caraway seeds or plain for sandwiches or table bread. They took me behind the counter, showed me around while the smell of fresh baked bread intoxicated me. A poster for the Turkish-American Festival was thrust into my hands www.njturkishfestial.org . They wanted me to tell “everybody” to come. There’s a flag raising ceremony on Thursday, May 14th in front of Paterson City Hall (155 Market Street) in front of Clifton City Hall (corner of Clifton & Van Houten Aves.) and lots of parading, eating, music entertainment, singers, musicians, folk dancers, food, vendors, games, prizes & surprises. With all this culture right here in North Jersey, who needs Ninth Avenue? Next up: The Syrians of South Paterson, NJ. Lisa La Valle-Finan is an Intercultural trainer, writer, and the Creative Director of getGlobalized™. She’s been traveling and writing for 25 years, speaks French, Italian and Greek, and welcomes all comments and can be reached at [email protected] . More information can be found on the company’s website at www.getGlobalized.org.

SOURCES Books Axtell, R. (1997). Do's and Taboos around the World for Women in Business. New York: John Wiley & Sons. Dresser, N. (1996). Multicultural Manners. New York: John Wiley. Foster, D. (2000). The Global Etiquette Guide to Asia. New York: John Wiley Huntington, S. P. (1996). The Clash of Civilizations and the Remaking of World Order. New York: Simon & Schuster. Morrison, C. B. (1994). Kiss Bow or Shake Hands. Holbrook, MA: Adams Media. Web http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paterson,_New_Jersey http://www.jstor.org/pss/1207405 http://www.answers.com/topic/paterson-new-jersey http://www.answers.com/topic/paterson new jersey http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9402E0D7143FF93AA15753C1A9609C8B63&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=print http://local.yahoo.com/NJ/Paterson/Food+Dining/Restaurants/Middle+Eastern

[expatwhisperer]

DECONSTRUCTING WOMEN IN AMERICAN POLITICS

If American politics is advicates  empowering women, where's the progress for women in american politics? As Chris Cuomo and Alyson Camerota questioned Carly Fiorina about her elect-ability, I couldn’t help but wonder, while we think we're progressive when it comes empowering women, why aren't we progressing?What invisible forces account for the incongruity that sixty-three of 142 nations studied by the World Economic Forum have a female head of government or state at some point in the 50 years up to 2014, except the USA?

Electing a woman president may have less to do with a sincere wish to see a woman lead the country than with the invisible hand of culture that drives our behavior in ways you never imagined.  Not visible culture like food, dress, language, or traditions, politics and religion, but hidden culture. The invisible dimensions of it we can't see like our beliefs, attitudes, and assumptions that account for how we make decisions, how we communicate and how we regulate ourselves.

Culture is why people do what they do based on where they live. Culture hides more than it reveals and strangely enough, what it hides, is most effectively hidden from its owners. While anthropology has been taken out of the trees and into the boardroom, I'd like to put it in the living room. Knowing what makes you tick is a human birthright. 

American politics presents a “president’s paradox”. It’s not that Americans won’t elect a woman president, it can’t. Unlike countries such as Denmark or Britain, India and the Philippines that have a higher tendency to care for others, the USA is highly “Competitive” culture. Political and religious choices are the results of cultural values, not the cause of it. What’s more, people sincerely believe they are solely responsible for political or religious choices when in fact these decisions have already been made by culture.

Culture is a series of historical events in a particular geography

Competition, for Americans means striving to be the best, often at the cost of what's best. This dimension is a key driver in our decision making process and helps account for, at least in part, why a woman president may still be a ways off. We say we support the idea, but a woman doesn’t meet our (unconscious) expectations for Commander in Chief who is must be “tough, assertive, and competitive”. 

Americans are the exception to the world norm because they live to work while 85% of the rest of the world works to live

The Masculine cultural value refers to the distribution of emotional roles between the genders that range from assertive and competitive. The norms of society enable us to self-police and maintain order. In this case they determine how you should feel as a boy or a girl by the majority of the population. Societies fall on the Masculine side of the spectrum when emotional gender roles are clearly distinct. Men are supposed to be assertive, tough, and focused on material success in countries like the USA, Japan, and Mexico.

Masculinity/Femininity is especially about interactive style and explains how assertive or modest people tend to be. Nordic countries tend to display the opposite, Femininity, and are nurturing. Here society values caring for others and quality of life. Quality of life is the sign of success and standing out from the crowd is not desirable. The fundamental difference is between the two is what's more important: being the best (Masculine) or liking what you do (Feminine).

Women and societies that embody feminine-like qualities are Feminine when emotional gender roles overlap: both men and women are supposed to be modest, tender, and concerned with the quality of life. 

The Netherlands and France are Feminine countries where the work-life balance is a priority and so is consensus. France is dialogue-driven and decision making is achieved through involvement. This explains their major role in history as diplomats. The French language also contained the necessary components for reaching diplomatic consensus, most notably with the use of the third person singular “on”. If there was a crisis, blame was place on neither you nor me, but on “one”.

These societies strive for consensus and people value equality, solidarity and quality in their work life. Conflict is resolved by compromise and negotiation. The Dutch are known for their long discussions until consensus has been reached. The types of cultures embed social safety nets and sympathize with the weak, unlike the USA where weakness is disdained.

If you think about it, Americans can seems heartless when it comes to the marginalized, but the invisible hand of culture drives our behavior which is why we go along with our inadequate social policies. Americans expect people to care for themselves so they have a relatively low level of social welfare, healthcare, and public services.

Culture is how people solve problems

The American mindset of voters unconsciously scan for compatibility to match their expectation of “Competition”. Carly Fiorina doesn't compute because we cannot suspend our disbelief that she’s capable of it despite her fighting stance rhetoric. This is why although American woman can succeed, they often don’t because American culture expects a higher than average degree of Masculinity from heads of state which is inherently absent from her gender according to our culture code.

This cultural expectation is not limited to women. Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders shares a similar perception by voters because "socialists" represent the same invisible high Feminine values. Neither one reflects the American “winner take all” values. Yet while both are eminently competent, they may not get elected until a high Masculine expectation is lowered. 

As a card carrying feminist, I've been waiting for a woman in the oval office since Geraldine Ferraro ran for veep and lost in 1984. I'd be remiss if I didn't say I hope (how American of me) that a woman or a socialist will make it someday, but I know culture is to blame. I also know that it’s a learned behavior, so it can be unlearned. This takes time.

The first step toward solving social quandaries like women's persistent and pervasive inequality is to recognize our existing explanations are inadequate and consider alternatives. Electing a woman has nothing to do with Carly Fiorina. It's strictly cultural.

[expatwhisperer]

DECONSTRUCTING ONE PALESTINIAN

Awni Abu Hadba came to the United States to improve his English-language skills. He stayed, he says, “to take his chance at the American dream.”

Following in the footsteps of an older brother, Abu Hadba, now 59, arrived in America in 1971 from his native Palestine after graduating from Birzeit University in Ramallah. Nearly 40 years later, he is one of the best-known and most influential members of the large Arab-American community of Paterson, where he has held the appointed position of deputy mayor since 2002.

Paterson, long a magnet for immigrant groups, began attracting new arrivals from Arab lands as early as the 1890s. Today, those of Arab descent—mainly Lebanese, Jordanian, Syrian, Palestinian, and Moroccan—account for approximately 15 to 20 percent of the city’s 145,000 residents.

Like many Paterson newcomers, Abu Hadba initially found work in a textile mill. Hoping for more, he studied business and political science at Passaic County Community College and William Paterson University, and later took classes in the insurance business. His big break came when an Italian-American friend and mentor sold Abu-Hadba his insurance agency with nothing more than a handshake as collateral.

At 26, he briefly returned to his homeland to find a bride. There, his uncle’s wife introduced him to Mayson, an ebullient woman from Bethlehem. “Not exactly a traditional arranged marriage,” says Abu Hadba. “But you could say it was a really good referral.” Together they have raised five children; two are married with children of their own. Following Palestinian tradition, the other three—all in their twenties—still live at home with Awni and Mayson.

Although they cling to their ethnic traditions, Abu Hadba says he and his wife chose to raise their family in America “because of the opportunity of a better life, health, education, safety, stability, financial opportunities, and freedom of speech.”

It was not until 1984 that Abu Hadba really began to understand how to exercise some of America’s freedoms. He recalls the moment vividly. “There was a funeral at the United Islamic Center on Knickerbocker Avenue. Hundreds of cars lining the street were getting ticketed. Friends and family were complaining. But they didn’t know what to do. So I went to Frank Graves, the mayor at the time, and I said, ‘What are you doing? This is a funeral! Can’t you let us park here?’ And he turned to me and said, ‘You may have 100 cars here, but your numbers don’t count. You see that house over there? They count. They have four votes. You are 100 cars, but you guys are 100 zeros.’”

For some it was a funeral; for Abu Hadba it was an awakening.

He and others began to organize the Arab-American citizens of South Paterson with the aim of gaining political visibility. Abu Hadba made a run for the city council in 1984, but lost. After that experience he decided he would rather try to make things happen as a community organizer. “It’s easy to get involved,” he says. “You can create change and decide a simple thing that makes your life better. America is the greatest country for community involvement.”

Abu Hadba was a natural when it came to courting the city’s leaders. He remembers stunning the Arab community during one election campaign when he walked up the street with longtime Mayor Graves, a Democrat, and then came back the other way with the Republican sheriff, Ed Englehardt.

Today, political candidates hoping for votes in Paterson routinely seek his support. In addition to serving as Paterson’s deputy mayor, a largely ceremonial position, he is involved in national issues as a board member of the New Jersey chapters of the Arab American Institute and the Anti-Discrimination Committee.  The events of September 11, 2001, presented a unique challenge to Paterson’s Arab community. Soon afterward, reports emerged that several of the 9/11 hijackers had been living in Paterson and nearby Wayne in the months leading up to the attacks. The news generated suspicion in the surrounding non-Arab communities. Arab retailers felt a sharp slowdown of business, and all Arabs experienced a palpable chill.

Abu Hadba rejects any notion that his community supported the attackers. “Those terrorists were not from our town,” he says. “There were several Arabs found in that apartment in Paterson, sure, but they didn’t live here. They were only here for a few months. Nobody knew who they were. The Arabs here are Americans like anybody else. Our children go to school just like anybody else. We dismiss their evil. They are not human. Three hundred Muslims died that day.”

The good news, he says, is that the situation has improved with time. Business is back on track, and even though there have been terror alerts since 9/11, these days they do not seem to affect the status quo in Paterson.

Although he is an important community leader in Paterson and runs a bail-bond business in the city with one of his sons, Abu Hadba long ago followed the pattern of other immigrant groups and moved his family to nearby Wayne. Living in this suburban melting pot is highly attractive to Mayson, now 49, and a jean-clad, stay-at-home American mom.

On her deck, overlooking the sprawling backyard, she points out the surrounding houses. “It’s like the U.N. here. We are so lucky,” she says. “This is my Polish neighbor. Oh, what a wonderful woman. How many times she helped me when the kids were sick. Cooked for me. We watched each other’s kids. On this side is my Jewish neighbor, and they have a couple of kids too. When they were little, we used to say our street had the answer to the peace process.

“Next door,” she continues, “they are Italian. All the kids grew up together. It’s all I’ve ever known since I came here when I was 15 with my husband. I love it.”

[expatwhisperer]

DECONSTRUCTING SYRIAN CULTURE

Older and less understood than other Arab cultures in South Paterson, the Syrians have an ancient story to tell. And much like the Road to Damascus there is an “ah hah” pay off at the end. It is Bible-speak for the mother of all epiphanies paved with the magnitude of St. Paul's transgressions, including his attempts to wipe out Christianity, in which all was forgiven. One just might need an epiphany to figure out who the Syrians are and why they’re here in the midst of Whitman’s “beaten up and tragic…industrial chaos”.

It begins with their history, which is, by all accounts, among the oldest in the area, stretching back to the early 20th century, as the first Arabs to arrive and set down roots here. What made them immigrate. What they eat. How they differ from other Arab cultures, will be eye-opening for the “Suburbanites”.

The real Damascus (Dimashq,commonly known as al-Shām also known as City of Jasmin) is the capital and largest city of Syria. It is perhaps the oldest, continuously inhabited city in the world. Since the copper age from about 8,000 BCE with a population of about 1.6 million people.

But a jaunt to the Damascus of South Paterson is easier and begins at Fattal's Syrian Market (975-977 Main Street [phone] where the owner, Norman settled forty years ago. He is cautious and diplomatic. Formal, yet hospitable. And avoids the obvious Middle Eastern hot button topics. But I persuade him to talk about what’s in his store that is particularly Syrian and he says, diplomatically: everything and nothing. We are Arab, but “from all over the world” as he puts it. According to www.cafe-syria.com “Syrians place a high degree on tradition and present themselves well both at home and abroad. It is normal to find Syrian families all over the world who still live their lives as if they were in the Old Country.” So, in keeping with tradition, he does and he doesn’t. His store is, and it isn’t, Syrian. This trait of cultural ubiquity has its roots in ancient Greater Syria, when encompassed parts of Iraq, Israel, Jordan, Lebanon, the Palestinian Territories and parts of southern of Turkey including Alexandretta and the ancient city of Antioch, the pre-Islamic capital of Syria. To understand Syria is to understand much of the Middle East.

And so, there is a little bit of the bazaar in his market. Things for getting and spending. A travel agency.  Display cases unabashedly brimming with eye-popping trays of 18 and 24K gold bling. Overall, despite the powerful influence of Islam in people's lives, some elements of folk religion persist. Particularly in rural areas, there is a strong belief in the evil eye as well as in jinn (spirits). And Fattal’s has an entire display case devoted to them. Though Syria is not tribal like Saudi Arabia, it is stratified and the caste system is alive and well. Norman being fair, male, and of the merchant class, chances are he would’ve fared well no matter which country he chose. There are also things for cooking. Like Halal meats and the indispensable Seven Spices. Rice. Middle Eastern canned vegetables. Pita. Racks of honeyed sweets. And more than a dozen kinds of olives. For a quick take out or lunch there’s a sit down area to eat garden variety Arab dishes to savor. The food is good and honest. Try the hummus on Syrian bread (pita). Also try their lahim biajeen (pronounced LAH MAHZHEEN) which are meat pies on Syrian bread.

Though Syria is homogeneous, Sunni, and over ninety percent Muslim, there are a few ancient tribes. And one in particular speaks the language of Christ: Aramaic. And here just might be the epiphany. A culture that contains a language from a religion found everywhere on earth, and yet is extinct. Spoken in Mesopotamia about 14 centuries ago, it is now modern day Hebrew. Syrian culture is omnipresent and yet hard to pin down. A little like Norman. In addition to Fattal’s, the othergame in town is Nouri Brothers Syrain Bakery a block away at 999 Main St Paterson, NJ  07503 Phone: [phone] which has been around for about twenty five years. Though it is smaller and mostly bakes breads, it is equally authentic.

Aleppo (named for Syria’s second largest city) is THE Syrian watering hole. THE restaurant for local Syrians (and Egyptians, Palestianians, you get the idea) at 960 Main Street Paterson, NJ 07503-2307 [phone]‎ or [phone], open from 9:00am-10:00pm. It is owned by the charming and jovial Mohamed who also immigrated about 40 years ago, with a not too different immigrant story to tell about the need to get out from beneath the shadow of his great father and strike out on his own. The sign on the outside reads Al Safa, but that was the old restaurant. They haven’t gotten around to changing it, but it doesn’t matter because anyone who comes here knows what they’re looking for.

The quintessential Middle Eastern host he welcomes everyone from“the boys” to local families with babies in tow and serves up the home grown dishes. Halal, roasted or grilled chicken or lamb with side dishes of rice, chickpeas, yogurt, and vegetables. Mezzeh including hummus, a puree of chickpeas and tahini (ground sesame paste); baba ganouj, an eggplant puree; meat rissoles; stuffed grape leaves; tabouleh (a salad of cracked wheat and vegetables); falafel (deep-fried balls of mashed chickpeas); and pita bread. Olives, lemon, parsley, onion, and garlic are used for flavoring. Tea is as ubiquitous as the Hookah pipe flavors ranging from apple banana peach rose cherry and just about every other flavor in between. Weekend evenings you’ll find him orchestrating several dining rooms, glad handling, and shaking it with the belly dancers while seating new customers.

The Road to Damascus may be an ancient one, but along the way, embracing the deep connective roots of the Syrians to much of the world, is an epiphany we can all share.

SIDEBAR

Seven Spices

2 tablespoons ground black pepper, 2 tablespoons paprika, 2 tablespoons of ground cumin, 1 tablespoon ground coriander, 1 tablespoon ground cloves, 1 teaspoon ground nutmeg, 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1/2 teaspoon ground cardamom

SOURCES

Books

Axtell, R. (1997). Do's and Taboos around the World for Women in Business. New York: John Wiley & Sons.

Dresser, N. (1996). Multicultural Manners. New York: John Wiley.

Foster, D. (2000). The Global Etiquette Guide to Asia. New York: John Wiley

Huntington, S. P. (1996). The Clash of Civilizations and the Remaking of World Order. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Morrison, C. B. (1994). Kiss Bow or Shake Hands. Holbrook, MA: Adams Media.

Ball, Warwick. Syria: A Historical and Archaeological Guide, 1998.

Beaton, Margaret. Syria, 1988.

Beattie, Andrew, and Timothy Pepper. Syria: The Rough Guide, 1998.

Galvin, James. Divided Loyalties: Nationalism and Mass Politics in Syria at the Close of Empire, 1998.

Hopwood, Derek. Syria, 1945–1986, 1988.

Lye, Keith. Take a Trip to Syria, 1988.

Mulloy, Martin. Syria, 1988.

Quilliam, Neil. Syria and the New World Order, 1999.

Sinai, Anne, and Allen Pollack, eds. The Syrian Arab Republic, 1976.

South, Coleman. Syria, 1995.

Tareq, Ismael Y., and Jacqueline S. Tareq. Communist Movement in Syria and Lebanon, 1998.

Wedeen, Lisa. Ambiguities of Domination: Politics, Rhetoric, and Symbols in Contemporary Syria, 1999.

Winkler, Onn. Demographic Developments and Population Policies in Ba'athist Syria, 1998.

 Web Sites

Destination Syria, www.lonelyplanet.com/dest/mea/syr

Guide to Syria, www.middleeastnews.com/syria

Syria: A Country Study, www.lcweb2.loc/gov/frd/cs/sytoc

Syria—The Cradle of Civilizations, www.arabicnet.com

U.S. Government, Department of State, Central Intelligence Agency. World Factbook: Syria, www.odci.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/sy

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paterson,_New_Jersey

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Road_to_Damascus_moment#Feast_Day

http://www.everyculture.com/Sa-Th/Syria.html

http://www.syrianhistory.com

http://www.cafe-syria.com/Culture.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aramaic

http://syrianamericanclub.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=49&Itemid=55

[expatwhisperer]

DECONSTRUCTING CHINA AND NEW JERSEY

China is a 4,000 year-old mega country of 1.7 billion people bursting with enough exports to fill every mall in New Jersey. That's a lot of clothes, toys, refrigerators, luggage, Christmas decorations, dog food, and laptops and we’re hungry for more. You'd think we'd know more about the people we buy all this stuff from, but with China being one mind-boggling superlative after another, it's understandable. For some, seeing the Broadway show Chinglish or watching the 2008 Beijing Olympics was about as close as most Americans would ever get to understanding this ancient merchant, but take a look at this infographic.