Exploring Things

[sweetnsensual1-deactivated20231]

[romantic-deviant]

Grrffff. That tongue..

[bushwoman]

😈

[alwaysbewoke]

these motherfuckers don’t deserve any pussy. fuck their dumb asses. ladies, when a guy asks you out and suggests a place to go, ALWAYS suggest another place to see if his ass is some lame pua wannabe. fellas, stop being a bunch of insecure pussies. this ISN’T how you prove yourselves to be alphas. smfh. real men know when to flex and when to chill, this was a fucking “chill” moment and he blew trying to be “alpha.” dumbass.

“do not tolerate disagreement” wtf?!?! some of you motherfuckers want a fucking dog NOT a woman. 

[blackswallowtailbutterfly]

Don’t give men a pass. These are real men. This is a man problem. This guy’s honest about wanting a doormat because he’s too stupid and undeservedly confident to realize how laughable and pathetic he is and comes off as. But plenty of men who are much smoother, who show you a good time, turn out to want exactly what this guy says: submission, sex, and undeserved gratitude for his existence.

[gcdk]

I’ve read some of this stuff and it’s like NLP for incels basically. It’s easy to find.

A few examples:

Constantly move her around, each time she follows you build compliance

Ask for little things, which again builds compliance

Get lots of little yeses in a row to make it harder for her to say no

Location - make it easier for her to come back to yours than get home (eg drive her somewhere)

Talk her into selling herself, once she is in the mindset of demonstrating her value she will retrospectively believe she must have done it because you are high value

Deep dive - basically show interest in her as a person, but in a laid back way so she thinks you’re both interested but not amazed

As soon as she fails to comply, ruin the moment completely and “snap out of it” then try again to escalate to sex (so she will comply so as not to ruin things again)

Use female friends to look popular and well-adjusted so she doesn’t see you as a threat, then basically act as a threat now she has talked herself out of being scared of you

Don’t have conversations by text or phone, just use it to get her to meet you alone

I suggest straight women read as much of this stuff as they can, it’s obviously effective because it’s psychological manipulation. Some men are naturally good at this stuff, some pay for “courses” in it… Some become Elliott Rodger.

[whoopsiedaizies]

No. Just no. If he feels emasculated by change in venue then he is not the man for you. If he uses any of these PUA tactics on you, just walk away. Treat each other like people. Why is that so fuckin hard?!?

[artifactseeker-myr99]

PUA = “Pick-Up Artistry”

NLP = Neuro-Linguistic Programming

[ace-aro-queerplatonic-positivity]

This is horrible and gross to read. But as a survivor of emotional manipulation, emotional and sexual abuse myself, I feel this needs to be spread.

Please stay save.

[cherishedproperty]

For the record, even if you are a submissive looking for a Dominant partner, it’s still a good idea to make a different suggestion early on or not comply. When Monsieur messaged me for the first time (after us meeting at a munch), he asked to take me out for a drink. I said I wanted us to talk more before deciding to meet. He said no problem. This showed me he had respect for boundaries. As a submissive, one of the most important things is knowing a Dominant will respect your boundaries. Now, you can’t challenge nonstop, because it’s hard to get any power exchange spark going. But you should push back when you feel uncomfortable, and if they don’t respond by taking a step back, they are not going to be a good Dominant. This has been proven out by every bad experience I’ve ever had with a Dominant. You are not being a bad submissive to hold to your boundaries until you are comfortable.

[hisaphrodisiac]

Yes Please😈😈😈

[romantic-deviant]

I’m here for you 🖤

[whiskeyontherocks10]

👆🏽

[takeyourknickersoff]

That can be arranged

[dominus-master]

🔥

[fallenangel7719]

[romantic-deviant]

[messedupdolls]

Good girls

[fucking-dirty-sluts]

IT’S OKAY TO BE A SLUT.

[naughty-but-naive-deactivated20]

[indisguisesnooneknows-deactivat]

❤️❤️❤️

[romantic-deviant]

Ahhhhhh

[texaswifeshare]

https://texaswifeshare.tumblr.com

[bluerascal]

Wow!

[desires-of-a-dominant-man-deact]

BDSM Links And Resources

I thought I would update the list of BDSM links and resources I posted a while ago, as some links were no longer working and I had several new ones to add, including a list of books. These should be particularly helpful to those who are new to BDSM and looking to explore D/s relationships, as the best way to go about that is to first read everything you can and then read even more! Not only will this allow you to educate yourself, help keep you safe and avoid any potential mistakes or regrets, but also the more you understand something, the less intimidating it will seem.

If you have anything to add, please don’t hesitate to let me know and I will update this list, in particular if there any books that a submissive might find helpful or informative, as most of the books I have read or included are intended for Dominants.

Note: For the sake of consistency and readability, I have used capitals throughout this document and have not used lower case when referring to submissives or slaves.

Websites:

Babygirls ‘n’ Daddy Doms: Website dedicated to littles, babygirls and Daddy Doms, with a lot of useful information on the subject.

Collarme: A free BDSM dating website and community, that is probably the most popular and a better option than the commercial alternatives.

DS Arts: Academy of DS Arts, fairly self explanatory.

Evil Monk: Ambrosio’s BDSM Website, featuring many useful articles.

Fetlife: An online BDSM community that I would highly recommend and which is perhaps best described as Facebook for the kinky, allowing users to create a profile, publish photos or writing and join interest groups where you can ask questions.

Kink Academy: An online resource with many educational and instructional videos on various aspects of BDSM, although users must pay a small fee to access all of the content.

Submissive Guide: As the name suggests, this is an online resource for submissives.

The Iron Gate: A general BDSM online resource, with many aticles, essays and even stories on the subject.

Dating and Relationships:

10 Principles For Healthy 24/7 D/s And M/s (Source: sexgeek.wordpress.com)

Difference of Dynamics in BDSM (Source: the-little-kitten.tumblr.com)

Finding Your Dominant (Source: asubmissivesjourney.com)

How To Find A Partner (Source: Jack Rinella / leathernews.com)

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner Part 1 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner Part 2 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner Part 3 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

So You Want Your Boyfriend To Dominate You (Source: domwithpen.tumblr.com)

So Your Girlfriend Wants You To Dominate Her (Source: domwithpen.tumblr.com)

The Unfortunate But Common Misconceptions About DD/lg Relationships (Source: a-lolitas-life.tumblr.com)

Play:

Consent Is Mandatory And Non-Negotiable (Source: fortheloveofasub.tumblr.com)

Food Play (Source: bdsmsadomasochism.tumblr.com)

How (and Why) To Go Down On Your Submissive (Source: domwithpen.tumblr.com)

Initial Steps Into Orgasm on Command Training (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Rules and Tasks for Building Confidence (Source: themostdangerousplaything.tumblr.com)

Tools of Consent in BDSM (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Training in D/s - Why? (Source: her-master.tumblr.com)

Training in D/s - How? (Source: her-master.tumblr.com)

Training in D/s - Thoughts And Concerns (Source: her-master.tumblr.com)

Wax Play (Source: bdsmsadomasochism.tumblr.com)

Safety:

Basics Of Safe, Sane And Consensual Power Exchange (Source: Molly Devon / the-iron-gate.com)

Common Sense (Source: Sean R. Powell / the-iron-gate.com)

Emotional Safety (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Offline/Online BDSM Safety Rules (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Ouch Is Not A Safe Word: Safe Words, Limits, and Scene Protocol (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Rules For Meeting Strangers (Source: Jack Rinella / leathernews.com)

Safewords and Safesigns 101 (Source: kinkology.tumblr.com)

S.S.C. VS R.A.C.K. (Source: Justin Medlin / the-iron-gate.com)

Checklists, Communication and Negotiation:

BDSM Play Partner Check List (Source: Sovereign House / the-iron-gate.com)

BDSM Scene Negotiations (Source: daddyvinnie.tumblr.com)

Can I Get That In Writing: Basics of Negotiations (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Communication (Source: submissivesupportgroup.tumblr.com)

If I Ever See Another Checklist I Will Scream: An Extremely Thorough Play Checklist (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Negotiation Forms (Source: Jay Wiseman, SM 101: A Realistic Introduction / greenerypress.com)

What Are Negotiations Good For? (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Sub Drop and Aftercare:

Aftercare for submissives (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Aftercare for Dominants (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Aftercare for Switches (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Emergency Self-Administered Aftercare (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Sub Drop (Source: David Williams / subshelpingsubs.tripod.com)

Sub Drop and Aftercare (Source: desires-of-a-domimant-man.tumblr.com)

Dominance and Dominants:

A Dominant is NOT… (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Advice to a Novice Dom (Source: Washington Sexuality University / the-iron-gate.com)

Advice to a Novice Dominant (Source: cherhatton.tumblr.com)

An Open Letter To A Novice Dom (Source: evilmonk.org)

Qualities of A Successful Dominant (Source: Polly Peachum / the-iron-gate.com)

Daddy Doms: They’re Not What You Think (Source: edenfantasys.com)

Domination for Nice Guys (Source: Franklin Veaux / the-iron-gate.com)

How To Spot A Non Dominant (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Learning To Be A Dom (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Run Don’t Walk: Warning Signs of A Predator Dom/me Part 1 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Run Don’t Walk: Warning Signs of A Predator Dom/me Part 2 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts - Part One: Dominants (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

The Dominant (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

What Is A Daddy Dom? (Source: babygirlsndaddydoms.webs.com)

What Makes A Good Dominant (Source: Kim Debron / kimdebron.tripod.com)

What Should A Dominant Be (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Submission and Submissives:

10 Considerations For Inexperienced Subs (Source: fortheloveofasub.tumblr.com)

A Submissive Bill of Rights (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

A Submissive’s Creed (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

A Submissive’s Ethics (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Introduction To Submission (Source: Kim Debron / kimdebron.tripod.com)

Learning to Trust Your Instincts (Source: bewildbetruebekinkybeyou.tumblr.com)

Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts- Part 2: Submissives/Slaves (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Some Rules For The Submissive (Source: daddylookingforhisbaby.tumblr.com)

Submissive Owner’s Manual (Source: youmadememe.tumblr.com)

Ten Tips For The Novice, Heterosexual submissive Woman (Source: Jay Wiseman / the-iron-gate.com)

Warning Signs for Submissives (Source: RC Bauer / the-iron-gate.com)

What Is A Babygirl? (Source: babygirlsndaddydoms.webs.com)

Books:

BDSM: The Naked Truth by Dr Charley Ferrer

Dear Raven and Joshua: Questions and Answers About Master/Slave Relationships by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera

Devil in the Details I: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - The Master, The Slave, The Power by LT Morrison

Devil in the Details II: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - Mastery Refine: The Issues, The Skills by LT Morrison

Devil in the Details III: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - Sustainable Structure and Traning by LT Morrison

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame, Gloria Brame and Jon Jacobs

Living M/s: A Book for Masters, slaves and Their Relationships by Dan and Dawn Williams

Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice by Robert Rubel

Master/slave Relations: Communications 401 by Robert Rubel

Master/slave Relations: Solutions 402, Living in Harmony by Robert Rubel

Protocols: A Variety of Views by Robert Rubel

Real Service by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Phillp Miller and Molly Devon

SM101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

The Control Book by Peter Masters

The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren

The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino

This Curious Human Phenomenon: An Exploration of Some Uncommonly Explored Aspects of BDSM by Peter Masters

Where I Am Led: A Service Exploration Workbook by Christina Parker

[girlfrommydreamsofyou-deactivat]

Always a reblog!

[daddys-good-girl4ever]

[instructor144]

D types: read and understand this. Then read it again.

[lg-butterfly-deactivated2020121]

A Daddy Dom - from a little’s perspective 👑🎀🐱

The pride & joy Daddies have in their littles ❤️

The safety, consistency & adoration that Daddies give their littles 💞

The exhaustion felt by Daddies when looking after a little fuelled with sugar & other goodies 🍭

The guidance & structure Daddies give their littles 🤓

Daddies being kept on their toes by their littles 🤭

The protective hero instincts Daddies have over their littles 🦸🏻‍♂️

The strength & confidence littles build to fight their demons, because of what Daddies do & are, but most importantly they do it with love & belief in their little 🥳

To all the great Daddies out there, thank you, you are awesome, keep doing what you are doing, you make this world a better place for us 💜

[instructor144]

This demanded a reblog.

[delicioussnowdew-deactivated202]

❤

[inkdnready]

[dirtylittlebookworm]

resentment

Today, I resent the rules.

I didn’t sleep well last night - I couldn’t fall asleep - and my head hurts and I ache from my workout yesterday and I’m just all around grumpy. And I resent them.

I didn’t want to get out of bed at 8am. I didn’t want to go to the gym. I want to drink however much Diet Coke I want and I want some damn chocolate. I don’t want to have to check in every hour and ask permission to run errands during the workday like I’m a freaking child. I am a damn grown-up.

And it would be so easy to break the rules. To stay in bed and lie about going to the gym and drink however much Diet Coke I want to without telling him. It would be so easy.

But, of course, I won’t. 

Why?

Because as much as I resent the rules today, I don’t resent him. I am so thankful for him and for the structure and dominance he brings to my life. And I’m not going to disrespect him or our dynamic that way.

And, to be honest, I’m thankful for the rules too (yes, even when I resent them). Because without them it would be so easy for a day where I’m feeling like crap to spiral into a day where I completely fall apart. 

But the rules keep me on track. They keep me focused. They keep me accountable. They keep me going in the direction I want to be going.

And, most importantly, I agreed to follow them. And I’m not going to go back on my word to him.

So instead of grabbing another Diet Coke, instead of going out without permission and buying chocolate to stuff my face, instead of lying in bed all day - I do what’s expected of me.

And even though today I resent it, I am thankful for the rules because I feel a little bit better for it.

[amysubmits]

Mutual Passion

When we started domestic discipline I knew @cynicaldom was trying it for me. At the time I thought I just needed him to be open to it. 

Then he rejected my first couple of rule ideas, which I thought was a bad thing. He came up with a rule idea of his own though (needing to put my debit card i my wallet as soon as I was done using it. No more leaving it loose in my purse or pocket) which excited me although I thought it was a “weird” rule. I didn’t recognize at the time that this was him making our DD a little bit more ‘ours’ instead of just mine. Anyway, It had been a longstanding bad habit of mine to leave my debit card everywhere and to lose it regularly. In hindsight it wasn’t a ‘weird’ rule at all, it was a very logical one given my actual needs. I got in the habit of leaving my cards in my wallet basically as soon as this rule was introduced. When I slipped up, he was with me when I went to go use my debit card and couldn’t find it, so he caught the error and punished me. I could tell that he was excited to see me curb a bad habit. That felt really, really good. I don’t know that I had even entertained the possibility that he might like this as well, yet he did like it somewhat, which felt like a big win at the time. 

A few months after we started DD we moved and we gained a roommate. The roommate shared a bedroom wall with us, so our privacy was very limited. We are both introverts who really value our own space, so having a roommate is a less-than-ideal situation for us to begin with. However, it makes the ‘spankings as a punishment’ aspect of our DD difficult. If I broke a rule on a Tuesday but we didn’t have time alone at home without the roommate until Saturday, it was difficult to feel like we should use that rare, precious alone time for punishment. Additionally, some of the new rules that we added were less obvious when they were completed or not. For example, it was always obvious when I spoke to him disrespectfully, so that rule was always ‘caught’. Others, like doing dishes on the right days, was less obvious to him and would sometimes not be noticed if broken. We had that roommate for a year. That year, we held to my medication rule rather strictly, but consequences for breaking the more minor rules like attitude often got set aside despite being caught, while others went unnoticed. When I’m not held accountable to rules, I get a lot worse about following them because if he isn’t holding me accountable, it feels like he doesn’t care, so why should I? At the time, it still felt like a little progress to me though because at least I was being held accountable to one or two rules regularly, that was better than nothing in my mind. I knew we had plenty of room to grow, I knew we were slipping up a lot, but I felt like we were at least trying which was enough for me at the time. CD talks about that year with a roommate more negatively than I recall feeling at the time. In a nutshell, I think it’s fair to say that I was holding out hope, but he was feeling more defeated. For me, at least having accountability on one big rule was better than our pre-DD days. For CD, our DD wasn’t really doing much for him now that my behavior was pretty inconsistent. I was rarely in a submissive headspace so I struggled with steering more often but we hadn’t really talked about me not steering so I hadn’t thought about it, and I wasn’t aware of how I wanted to feel like he was the head of the household. I thought I just wanted a disciplinarian. 

After a year, we moved again and no longer had a roommate so we had almost endless privacy which made us happier in general. CD became far more consistent at holding me accountable. I think I had known that I needed more consistency than we originally had, but just how good it felt blew my mind. I felt so safe, so seen, so loved and cared for. I had always known that we had a lot of love between us. I had always felt like we had a good relationship. Having him love me in this specific way was incredible though. He was speaking my exact love language and it was an overwhelmingly powerful feeling. While I had been attempting to follow the rules from the beginning, I feel like this is when I truly started to let go and truly submit to him more fully, because I felt safe and free to do so now that there was routine consistency.  We both felt a positive shift in the bedroom, too. We both found that kink was more enjoyable to us when we really, truly felt like he was in control outside of the bedroom too. I believe it was largely in response to seeing that shift in my submission, that CD became more passionate about DD on his end. He saw me relaxing, trusting him more, opening up more, letting go more, and that all felt really good to him. That trust and vulnerability that he had earned felt better to him than simply holding me accountable did. That feeling of being trusted with my submission, trust and with responsibilities for our relationship helped to fuel his dominance. Once I saw his passion more, it made me even more passionate, and even more comfortable letting go further. Our relationship was nourishing both of us. 

I have anxiety and I think I will always worry about being burdensome to him on some level at least on bad brain days. However, on seeing him fully embrace D/s for himself, seeing him thriving, happy and fulfilled in the role helped me to let go a lot of my fears about burdening him. It was obvious to me that he was enjoying this, that he wanted it. I didn’t see it that way at the time, but today, I would even say that this was when he started needing my submission. It became something that he was passionate about totally changed how it felt to me.  I was no longer submitting to him just becuase I wanted to submit, but I was able to submit to him because he craved my submission and that felt infinitely better to me. 

At roughly the same time that our consistency improved, CD discovered that there were some domestic discipline blogs on Tumblr and suggested that I join Tumblr. Through that, we discovered that DD can be considered a form of D/s, and started to recognize that we could consider ourselves 24/7 D/s and expand our perspective of what fit into our dynamic. I had often deferred decisions to him, and we had talked openly about enjoying ‘old fashioned relationships’ (basically traditional gender roles) for a few years, but we hadn’t viewed that as part of our DD until we found Tumblr and some blogs that had discussed their D/s marriages and they sort of felt like “domestic D/s” to me. In a lot of ways, realizing that DD could be a type of D/s and connected to BDSM helped me to understand our relationship better. I stopped feeling like we were coincidentally interested in DD, traditional gender roles and kink all at random, but instead started to feel like our interests all made sense and all fit under the D/s umbrella, that it was logical to have a relationship with all of these elements. We weren’t as “weird” for wanting to mesh these different interests into a single relationship. It was pretty reassuring to discover that while we had intentionally made rules and punishments, we had almost accidentally stumbled into things like deference and kink. Realizing that we did some of these things accidentally or naturally helped me to feel like we both really were cut out for this. 

Tumblr also showed me how much variety there can be in D/s. I stopped worrying quite so much about whether any given thing we were doing was “DD enough” or “D/s enough” or if I was doing “the submissive thing” and he was doing “the Dominant thing” and if all of it was “in the right way”. I stopped viewing D/s as such a black and white thing, and started to truly accept that we are naturally Dominant and submissive so doing things in the way that they feel natural to us, and letting him lead in his own way is “D/s enough”. We don’t have to do the things other people to in order to be D/s, because we already were Dominant and submissive even if it doesn’t match the ways others are Dominant and submissive. 

That isn’t to say that we stopped learning from others, or discussing ideas we saw on Tumblr and elsewhere. We still do that regularly. We absolutely believe we can learn from others and that Tumblr can be a great resource. But we listen to our own instincts heavily and trust ourselves a lot too. I no longer saw it as a ‘weird’ thing if we made a rule that I had never heard of anyone else having. I started to view it as an asset, even - because it was custom-made by us, for us. What could be a better fit than something we custom make? 

I often find myself trying to summarize the story of our first 18 months or so, to people new to D/s, particularly “vanilla to D/s” ones. We are still constantly learning and growing, we still stumble, occasionally we make massive mistakes still. But there was a really obvious turning point where the core of what we were doing started really working, and it was when we found that mutual passion. I think it’s a common early struggle to find mutual passion. Some assume that if their partner’s burning passion for D/s isn’t there on day one that it never will be. I’m sure that is the case for some, but that wasn’t our experience. While he was curious from the beginning, and while we did have little signs of success along the way, we were over a year in before things really clicked well. It took learning our individual needs in order to make that happen. We stumbled on what our needs are by accidentally fulfilling them at first. I didn’t know that consistency would make such a big difference for me. I had been so focused on rules that I thought simply giving me rules would be ‘it’ for CD, I didn’t know that other significantly more powerful and meaningful benefits would come with it from his perspective. But we discovered that having rules doesn’t do much for him unless it is also making me feel safe and submissive, unless it’s also allowing me to bask in his Dominance, and sending him clear signs that I trust, respect and admire him. He needs those ‘side effects’ that come from the rules most but we didn’t know that until we stumbled into creating those reactions. We found the answer we didn’t know we were looking for. 

[dirtylittlebookworm]

Look guys, sex isn’t like you see in the porn. It’s not all perfect and seamless and constant go go go. It’s this rug hurts, can we move it? and can you back up a little bit? and oops, you’re on my hair and oops, I just threw up a little bit on your dick and crap! the toy just ran out of batteries and oh god, my knees, I wasn’t made to bend that way and giggles and mistakes and ouch, you’re hurting my hair and all sorts of fun stuff. Enjoy it. That’s how it’s meant to be.

[thatmissannie]

I don’t want to decide.

I don’t want to decide how our date will go. I don’t want to decide where we go, or what I wear, or who will drive, or where we’ll end up.

I don’t want to worry about choosing a restaurant that you’ll like, or wonder if you’ve been there before, or are picky about that kind of cuisine, or dislike the neighborhood it’s in.

I don’t want to hem and haw over which outfit will make me look my best for you, but not too slutty, but isn’t too uncomfortable, but is still sexy. I don’t want to fret over choosing underwear that will sit right under the dress, if I should make it match. If I should wear an unlined bra because you’ll want to touch me through it, or a padded bra because it will make me look stacked in a wiggle dress. 

I don’t want to worry about whether I should meet you there so I have an escape route, or allow you to pick me up because you want to be a gentleman, or take an uber to be safe.

I don’t want to stress over whether taking you home with me tonight is too soon. I don’t want to wonder if you’ll think I’m slutty if I go home with you. I don’t want the night to end too soon because I’ve got ideas in my head of what’s appropriate for a first, second, third, or fourth date. I don’t want to rush into things and spend tomorrow worrying if you think we went too far.

I want you to take the lead. I want you to decide.

I need you to share your preferences, indicate what you would like, or outright make a request. 

Take away my worry by taking away the options that plague me.

You like Thai food and Indian food, or better yet, you want to go to a specific restaurant. You’d like to see me in a little black dress, no panties. You’ll pick me up so we don’t both have to worry about parking. And while you know we both want so much more, you set boundaries for the night because you want me to be comfortable. Because there’s always next time.

I don’t want to decide. I need you to. It’s just so much easier that way.

[cumsumedbyhim]

🥰

[amysubmits]

Needing My Submission

When I think about a person needing the submission of another it makes me a little uncomfortable at first.

My mind goes to the person in my family who has always felt entitled to getting his own way, who takes what he wants and spits out what is left and never thinks twice about those who he is taking from or those he is stepping on. He loses his mind when people disagree with him, he’s desperate for the power high that he gets from getting others to bend to his will. He’s a selfish self-absorbed asshole who doesn’t have a dominant bone in his body. If I hate anyone I’ve ever met, it’s him. He is nothing like @cynicaldom. 

I guess what I’m trying to get out of the way is…I think it’s usually a terrible thing to feel entitled to power. I think a big part of what helps to keep a good Dominant’s feet on the ground is remembering that they have to earn the power they want to be given, and that they earn it in part by being careful with the one they are accepting submission from. CD does his best to do those things, but he also needs my submission.  He doesn’t need it in a survival sense. He wouldn’t lose his mind without it. Yet he needs my submission in the sense that he couldn’t be as happy or fulfilled without it because it fills something really deep inside of him. It’s not really any different than what his Dominance does for me, I suppose. I think I was just hesitant to accept that he needs my submission because for so long I didn’t see the difference between needing submission and feeling entitled to power. They can certainly be different things.  

So I’ve accepted that he needs my submission, and I’ve come to the realization lately that I need to be reminded that CD needs my submission sometimes. Nothing comes close to how it feels to be reminded that he doesn’t just enjoy my submission but he needs it in order to be his best, happiest self. It’s more meaningful to me than when it’s something he needs instead of just likes or enjoys. This realization has been such a long time in the making. 

I knew pretty much from the beginning that I wasn’t someone who enjoyed pain. I knew I was tender-hearted and eager to please. Pleasing CD makes my heart soar, and disappointing him is devastating. With all of that in mind, I’ve always been so confused about my occasional need to test him, to be ‘put in my place’ or the urge to act out. Because it crushes me when I cross a line. So why does a non-masochist sometimes think she wants to reach out and grab the electric fence, right? It’s never made sense to me.  

The urge to test him happened far more frequently when we were new to domestic discipline. Early on it happened a couple times a month, perhaps. We learned fairly early on that adding more rules helped me to feel his dominance more regularly. He also just grew into really embracing leadership more as we settled into DD more. That got rid of the desire to test him for the most part. Yet it didn’t totally go away - it just went from being every couple of weeks to being perhaps every two or three months. Sometimes after I’ve acted out CD feels it was because he wasn’t as present as he normally was. I do think a lack of presence can cause the feeling, but on many of the occasions where I’ve wanted to test him, he has been present so I know that is not the singular cause of this feeling. 

We’ve tried a lot of things to address that desire to act out. We tried maintenance and role-reminder spankings but they didn’t help. I’ve tried just being more focused on my rules once I feel the urge. I can behave for a week or better if I give it my all, but that just feels like ignoring the feeling because it doesn’t fade over time. I don’t intentionally disobey, but it’s as if this need to test is this angst boiling under the surface and no matter what I do, I end up getting distracted or emotional about something and then the angst boils over into misbehavior. 

Yet I’ve also noticed that on rare occasion the feeling has faded without crossing a line. Sometimes it fades if I ‘poke the bear’ enough to get him to playfully put me in my place. But probably 9 times out of 10, we’ll roughhouse and it’s fun but it doesn’t make the feeling fade. For a long time, I couldn’t make sense of why it worked on rare occasion but not others. 

Several months ago CD suggested that sometimes rough sex works. Frankly, I was convinced he was just totally wrong about that at first. How could this urge to test him have anything to do with sex? It seemed totally non-sexual to me. 

But after he said he thought that was the case, one day I was feeling testy but I hadn’t told him about it and had behaved well. The next day he came home from a long day and grabbed me and stripped me and used me hard until we were both totally spent. Afterward I realized the urge had left. This baffled me completely, as I was still confident this wasn’t a sexual longing, yet sex made it go away. 

Sometimes urge can also go away if he takes control in a new way. For example, several months ago he told me not to wander off while we were in a store together. A few weeks ago he came in to check on me when I was in a store because I took longer than he expected to come out. When I ‘catch’ him taking care of me in a new way, or taking control in a new way that sometimes works too.

I finally figured out what the feeling is. It’s me wanting him to show me how much he needs my submission. When it happens from sex, it’s when I can tell he is not just horny but when he’s been thinking about taking what is his all day. When there is a certain look in his eye, a raw, primal type of assertiveness, where he needs to use me and not just to get off but to soothe something deeper in him. When he uses me that way it makes me feel completely claimed and while it’s sexually satisfying it also just makes me feel so useful, so helpful, so needed. There is such a deep sense of satisfaction in knowing that he needed something I could provide, he took it and it reset him. 

The reason on rare occasion why it works to ‘poke the bear’ comes down to when he needs to put me in my place. When I playfully poke at him, he knows I’m asking to struggle, to be overpowered and put in my place, and he almost always obliges me. But most of the time, he’s just reacting to my taunting and while he enjoys playing back, most of the time it’s not a need for him, it’s just playful, so it doesn’t satisfy that deep itch in me. On rare occasion I poke him in just the right way, it doesn’t quite cross the line into being inappropriate, but it pushes a button in him that makes him feel like he needs to remind me of my place, not for me but for him. That’s when it makes the itch go away for me. 

When he takes control in a new way that I didn’t ask for, it’s essentially a leash tug, but it feels different from a leash-tug that he is doing because I asked for it, because if he initiates it, that he needs more of my submission. 

The need isn’t to break a rule or to get in trouble. Sometimes I go a bit too close and cross a line, but what I’m hungering for is to see how much he needs my submission. 

[demondetoxmanual]

“In that way, you’ve acknowledged that you’re unsure, that you don’t know what to do or say. You’ve acknowledged that you see them. They feel seen. They feel heard and acknowledged, which is huge for someone who’s in crisis.” Wentworth Miller | Q&A at Oxford Union | 2016 | x

[crimsondomingo]

This is…actually the most beautiful and helpful advice, honestly.

[firefly-flashes]

Sometimes the invisible want desperately to be seen.

[wheresmybubble]

A wave of emotions.

Books - http://debbietung.com/books

[explorejkt]

Yep...