Generation Kill for Beginners
· Nate: dad of the platoon. only sane officer (besides Patterson.). you can see his despair growing by the second. Not really good at moto speeches. Excellent traffic controller. Also not interested in maintaining the property values in the Greater Baghdad Area.
· Brad: talks a lot about his warrior spirit, but is a complete nerd. Has a lot of personal feelings, but never admits to that. Hides under Humvees when things get rough. Better at war than the entire US Air Force.
· Ray: provides a running commentary without any filter whatsoever. If something fails, fixes it (radios, feelings and alcohol). Probably on drugs for most of the invasion. Sunglasses enthusiast. Makes the best cookies.
· Walt: ray of sunshine. Could probably get away with singing country in Brad’s Humvee. Makes mistakes and suffers. Ray fixes him.
· Reporter: doesn’t know what he got himself into. Gets his mind blown every five minutes. Gets testicle surgery.
· Poke: has a lot of opinions, and not afraid to share them. Brad’s best friend. Likes to talk about white man’s oppression.
· Trombley: probably shouldn’t have access to guns. Wants to shoot dogs, but not camels. Father to Jesus, according to Ray.
· Gunny: mom of the platoon. Wants to make sure the bullshit doesn’t roll down too hard on the guys, but there’s a lot of bullshit, so there’s really only so much he can do. Sings Christmas Carols in May.
· Doc Bryan: not really the caring type. Always angry, never wrong. Doesn’t hesitate to speak his mind.
· Patterson: eats Skittles whilst being shot at. Loses his Oakleys to General Washington.
· Pappy: very polite killer. Best friends with Rudy. At war with the grooming standard. Source of cryptic oracles. Doesn’t like to pet burning dogs.
· Rudy: unicorn. Leads yoga classes and carries various conditioners. Brings an espresso maker to war and uses is. looks like the middle spread of a fireman’s calendar.
· Garza: says the weirdest things in the dreamiest voice so it takes you a second to realize the complete fucked-upness in what he just said. Got beaten by his grandma because she loved him.
· Captain America: any similarities with Steve Rogers end at the shared name. Source of endless entertainment and complaints. Has a personal vendetta against innocent Iraqi Vans.
· Godfather: great voice and fucked-up humour. Morally ambiguous. Wants to get General Mattis’ attention by all means possible, which is bad news for the rest of the guys.
· Casey Kasem: Not really great at his job. Actually, really bad at his job. Doesn’t pick up the gauntlet.
· Encino Man: source of 90% of Nate’s desperation. Extremely concerned with the grooming standard. Extremely unconcerned about passing on vital information.
· Sixta: hemorrhoids in human form. His voice could serve as torture tool. Great at his job. Unfortunately, his job is to be an asshole.
