grieving me (the “bad” parts)
we think that we can only grieve the good parts of life ending. it makes sense, no? why would you ever grieve the bad parts?
we can only justify those feelings of sadness and fear if it comes at the lost of something good, not bad. because why would you miss something that desperately if it was bad for you?
well. why do we miss people that are toxic to us? why do we miss abusive parents or partners? it’s never a clear answer. it’s messy, it’s complicated. but the only way to somewhat of an answer is if you sit with yourself.
i finally understood my inability to let go and move on when i realized, my allowance of grieving only pertain to what has painted as acceptable. i couldn’t let go because i never got to grieve myself.
i was a chronic codependent people pleaser. i spent majority of my life being a fixer, a helper. i didn’t even know who i was outside of a savior complex. i stayed there for so long because putting myself first, setting boundaries, and letting go of my self sabotaging cycles meant that i had to let go of me.
being those things was a part of me. and letting go of that felt like i was losing myself. the me that i knew for so long, the me that was there with me, through everything. the me that i had to be. i hated it, so much. but it was also me now.
and letting go meant that i had to let go of me.
i thought allowing myself to grieve relationships that ended would be the answer but it never went away. i would change. changing is very easy for me. it’s never been that hard. but it’s the letting go that always caught me by the neck. i just didn’t understand why. i did the work, i’ve moved on and changed. i don’t want to remember the pathetic person i was when i was in those relationship.
and that was the exact the problem. i never got to grieve the person that i was, the person that i had to be, when i was in those relationships. i was ashamed of myself for being in that position. but at the same time, i wanted to protect her for all of the things that she went through. she did out of character things, she said things she never meant to heart. i hated her but i felt so pitiful for her.
when i grieved, it was never for her. if i felt anything for her, it was angry, it was embarrassment. it was shame. i shove her away in the back of my closet just hoping she would die. eventually, she did. but the feelings never really went away.
the skeleton in my closet started to disappear when my shame was embraced and i started to grieve myself. grieving the person i was when i wanted everyone to love me, because i didn’t love myself. grieving the person i was when i purposely made myself the bad guy, so things could end easier. grieving the person i would’ve been if i stayed in being a savior to people that would’ve never changed. i needed to grieve the bad parts of me. I needed to grieve her.
i need to hug her and cry to her saying it’s okay now, you don’t have to do that anymore because there a better way and i will take over. i need to tell her i forgive her and i'm not ashamed of her anymore. and that i'm sorry. i'm so so so terribly sorry i ever was.
and when i let me go, i'm letting a huge part of me go. i don’t know who i am anymore. i’m a bit lost without her but that’s something i need to embrace and live on without.
gummygunk
theartofmadeline
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origamiaround
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ellievsbear
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