Paring: Jung Hoseok x fem!reader
Word count: 4.4k
Genre: friends to lovers au; fluff; angst
Warnings: Use of the word idiot; kind of dark thoughts but nothing too graphic
Author's note: Hello everyone! I hope you enjoy this piece as much as I loved writing it. If I am feeling up to it and you guys would like to, I would love to explore them some more. So please do let me know, I love hearing feedback from you guys. If there are any mistakes do let me know as well and if I forgot to tag anything as well, let me know.
This piece is a part of the Valentine's at the Castle from BangtanCastle network @bangtancastle. I had fun participating so thank you so much @jinnie-forthe-winnie for allowing me to be a part of it! Happy late birthday, Hobi!
Thanks to @jinnie-forthe-winnie, whose become one of my greatest friends on this app for brainstorming with me. (Although I really strayed from the original idea, it did help me form this one so thank you.) As always thanks to @a-methystus whose always there to cheer me on.
Sypnosis:
toska
[tos-kah] . Russian
(n.) an immense ache for nothing and everything all at once; an anguish from the bottom of the heart.
Valentine’s day was always one of your favorite times of the year.
Ever since you were a little kid, Valentine’s Day has always been special to you. You used to beg your mother for money just to go down the street and buy some roses for your grandmother, who took care of them and made them last longer than they should have. Sometimes you saved your allowance to go and buy some chocolates in the grocery store to gift to your parents and other family members. You remember dragging your parents a week before Valentine’s Day just to find the perfect materials to make the best homemade Valentine’s Day cards for your friends at school. All in all, Valentine’s Day has forever held a special place in your heart.
Now that you were older, although you had no friends to gift to, you always found people to bring flowers or chocolates to. In your first year of college, because you didn't have many friends, you’d decided to you just take some lollipops and gift them to anyone you saw in your path. Some looked at you oddly while others thanked you and wished you a happy Valentine’s Day back. Ironically, this is how you met Jung Hoseok.
He’d been walking on campus with his head stuck in his phone, clearly not looking where he was going. You had been rounding up the corner, a little bag filled with lollipops in your hand when the both of you collided hard. His phone flew out of his hands while he tumbled backward. Your lollipops skidded against the floor, shattering in their little packets, while you groaned as your bum hit the floor. Looking up to see who you had hit; you were met with a man kneeling next to your bag of candies with the most broken expression you’d ever seen.
“I am so sorry. I should have been looking where I was going and clearly, I wasn’t, and I just ruined your lollipops…” He kept going on and on about how he'd buy you a new pack to make up for the ones he had destroyed.
“It’s okay.” You found yourself murmuring, the guy finally meeting your eyes. “It was an accident. You don’t have to buy me a new pack. It was practically empty.”
Both you and the guy knew that was a lie. The pack was still full to the brim with lollipops just now shattered versions of them.
“No-no-no. I still should have been looking where I was going.” He stood up, leaning over to you, and offering his hand to haul you up. “Buying you a new pack is the least I can do. You were giving this out for Valentine's Day, right?”
“Ah, yeah.” You giggled nervously, nervous for the stranger's reaction.
“I think that’s very nice of you. My name is Jung Hoseok by the way.” He extended his hand again but this time for a handshake. You hesitated for a bit but finally took his hand in yours, shaking it softly.
“L/N Y/N at your service.” He’d laughed a bit, leaning down to pick up his discarded book and the lumpy bag of lollipops. He looked at the lollipops then at you and then back again.
“Come on. There must be a convenience store nearby that has some.”
After that, you and Hoseok became practically inseparable. You’d learn that the both of you shared some classes but had never seen each other because Hoseok tended to arrive a bit later than you. Still, somehow, you both found yourself spending all your time together and a friendship soon began to blossom.
(You would always say that Valentine’s Day somehow played a part in your meeting, but Hoseok disagrees saying that it was his fault for texting while walking. Agree to Disagree.)
For the longest of times, although romance was something you wanted, it had never been in the forefront of your mind. You’d always told yourself that you would know when the time for dating would come, except college came and went, and you found yourself thinking that maybe you didn’t know when the right time was to branch out and meet someone. All of your friends had gone out and dated in college, even if they all didn't last. Sometimes it felt like you were behind some time frame someone had established. Of course, the only other person who could relate to you was no other than the one causing the whole crisis.
You don’t know when Hoseok shifted from being just a friend to being someone you could actually see yourself dating. You’d both only begun texting each other after the lollipop incident just to talk when the two of you were bored or to ask for notes on certain classes that you both shared. But then suddenly, you both started talking about topics other than classes and dumb memes. You started talking about anything and everything and to some extent, that scared you.
Hoseok had been the only person you’d connected with on a different level. Sure, you had friends and best friends in college, but Hoseok just felt different; he was different.
He could make you laugh with one of his crazy stories. He’d make sound effects in random points of movies only to screech when a random jump scare came on. He’d buy you little trinkets and gifts for no reason other than he’d thought about you when he saw them. He’d offer his shoulder for you to cry on when things got too hard, and the pressure was too much. He’d give you the best hugs and smiles, promising a day full of happiness no matter what happened.
Jung Hoseok was just one of the greatest people on the planet and it scared you to no end to try and take a step towards him, a romantic step, afraid of losing one of the greatest things in your life.
So, you didn’t. You didn’t say anything, and you didn’t indicate anything. Even when Hoseok went on dates and met other people, you stayed in the comfort of yourself knowing that having him in your life was better than not having him at all. You’d stay and watch him branch out into the wonderful person you knew was, hoping that someday you’d move on and branch out yourself.
Hoseok had been excited for Valentine’s Day this year more than others before. He’d met a girl in one of his dance workshops who had agreed to go on a date with him on Valentine’s Day. That day when he’d arrived at your apartment like he did every day after the workshops, he’d thrown himself on top of you claiming he had met the love of his life.
(“Y/N, her hair was perfect. I am going to marry her.”
“Hoseok, do you even know what her favorite color is?”
“Nope, but whatever it is, it’s perfect.”)
The initial sting wasn’t as bad. You’d humored him and gave him advice like the great friend you are but after he’d gone to his apartment and you were left with your thoughts, the sting had been deeper and sharper than ever before. You knew this day would come. Heck, you’d been mentally preparing for this day since you had realized you liked Hoseok more than just a friend when you realized you loved him. Yet that still didn’t make the sting hurt any less. You were embarrassed to say that that night you’d cried yourself to sleep, holding onto a sliver of hope that one day you’d find someone who would make you forget the love you held for Hoseok.
The next day, you were up bright and early for your job at the little cafe down the street from your apartment. Although you’d graduated with your bachelor’s degree in an area you liked, you still wanted to take a year off and keep things calm before throwing yourself into the corporate world. The job at the cafe paid well enough to pay your rent and the small necessities you need, and the people there were one of the nicest you had the pleasure of meeting.
The owner, Seokjin, had opened the place right after he graduated with his culinary degree. Somehow, he’d managed to hire the troublesome twins, aka Jimin and Taehyung, who had the brightest energy ever but were mischievous to no end. Then there was you, the calm and quiet one who usually kept the twins in check. And lastly, at least who worked in your shift was Jungkook. He was still in college which meant he had the most flexible work shifts out of the 4 of you.
You and Jungkook were in charge of the morning shift, which made it a surprise when you saw a man you didn’t recognize behind the counter, already setting up everything for the day. You’d subtly walked towards the back, hoping to catch Seokjin in the kitchen before having to confront the stranger. You’d gone to your locker, just to drop your stuff and pick up your apron before clocking in. Just like you had predicted, Seokjin was already in the kitchen massaging one of the doughs for a new batch of cookies.
“Morning, Seokjin!” You greeted, tying the apron properly on your back. He looked up in surprise. He hadn’t heard you come in too busy with the dough in front of him.
“Y/N, good morning! You are here early.” He smiled at you, looking back down at the dough.
“No, I am not. It’s almost 6. We open in like 15 minutes.” You giggled when he snapped his head to the big clock in the kitchen that read 5:45 am just like you had said.
“Ugh. I hadn’t even noticed. Did Jisung come in?” He asked, slapping some more flour on his hands to stretch the dough more.
“You mean the new guy?” Seokjin nodded and you sighed. “Yep, he is out front. I didn’t know you hired someone new.”
“Ah, yeah. Jungkook picked up another photography class, so he had to cut down some of his hours. Thought we could use another extra set of hands. Jimin gave him the run down yesterday when he came in to check everything out but just in case, keep an eye on him.”
“Of course! I’ll head out to start prepping the tables. Good luck on the cookies.” You waved goodbye, turning around to walk out the double doors from the kitchen to the main foyer without waiting for an answer.
The man, Jisung, was already waiting for you by the cash register, a white towel thrown over his shoulder and an apron already on. You walked over to him, giving him what you hoped was a friendly smile.
“Hi! You must be Jisung. I’m Y/N.” You extended your hand towards him, watching as he bowed first and then shook your hand.
“It’s nice to meet you. I hope you don’t mind showing me around for today.” He smiled sheepishly and you gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder.
“You’ll pick things up in no time. Now first, we have to…”
The days had gone by in a blur and before you knew it, in less than 24 hours Valentine’s Day would arrive and you honestly had no clue what to do. You and Hoseok would usually stay in, watch romcoms, and exchange gifts or candy. But this year, Hoseok had a date, which he couldn’t stop talking about, so you had decided to maybe go out by yourself and visit the boys to give them their gifts. (Jungkook had been trying to get you to spill what his gift was, but you had remained strong and refused to tell him.)
When you arrived that morning at the cafe, it wasn’t unusual to see Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook already causing havoc. What was new though, was to see Jisung there in the mess too.
“Really boys?” They all stopped their shouting and bickering to stare at you with wide eyes. You stood by the door, bag still on your shoulder with both hands on your hips like a mother scolding a child.
(“Dude you are like my mom.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“You give the best hugs, yet you also aren’t afraid to hit me. Scary but caring. Sounds like a mom to me.”
“I am going to show you scary if you don’t hurry up with that milkshake, Kim Taehyung.”
“Coming mom!”)
“Y/N!” Jungkook jumped over the counter, Seokjin screaming in the background about it, running towards you and hugging you hard. You laughed, patting his back, and feeling him melt against you. “I missed you.”
You almost didn't hear him as he had smashed his face in your collarbone but hugged him tighter once his words registered.
“I missed you too, Kook. But I am here now, and you’ll have me for the rest of the day.” He nodded, groaning when Jimin, whom you hadn’t seen come by, had shoved him in the side.
“I want Y/N cuddles too. Move you, idiot.”
You laughed, pulling Jimin in for a hug and then Taehyung when he started whining about being left out. Jisung stood awkwardly to the side as you fussed over the maknaes like you usually did. Once you spotted him, you ushered him close to you to hug him as well. At first, he froze, but then he relaxed hugging you back.
“Uh, we have to go do something so bye!” Jimin pulled Taehyung who pulled Jungkook in through the double doors, leaving you and Jisung very confused.
“Is this normal behavior?” You snorted, covering your mouth with your hand as you began to laugh.
“With those three? Yeah.” Before you could move, however, Jisung took a hold of your hand. You froze instantly, staring at your linked hands in confusion.
“Jisung?” He cleared his throat, causing you to look at him, only to see him blushing and avoiding meeting your eyes.
“Y/N, w-would you want to get dinner with me tomorrow?”
Well, you were not expecting that at all.
“It doesn’t have to mean anything if you don’t want it to. Unless you have plans which in that case forget I said anything…”
“Hey, I would love to go to dinner with you. Just caught me by surprise, is all.”
Deep inside, some part of you wished this was Hoseok asking you for dinner. Part of you hoped his date with the perfect woman went wrong. Part of you hoped he’d realized he’d been in love with you just like you were in love with him. But the other part of you knew that holding on to the hope that someday Hoseok would see you as you see him, would leave you missing out on so many other things. So, although you didn’t love Jisung, although you didn’t picture your whole life together as you’d done with Hoseok, you still gave yourself a chance to open up yourself to other things. And maybe, Jisung was the way of the universe of telling you it was time to move on and live your life instead of holding onto the what-ifs.
Hoseok had dropped by your apartment on Valentine’s Day morning with your favorite breakfast. He’d thrown himself at you while you were still in bed, poking you until you woke up with a groan, sending him out so you could fix yourself up.
Looking in the mirror that morning, you couldn’t help but feel dread overcome you. Today was the day. The day you’d branch out and hope for the best. You’d quickly used the bathroom, brushed your teeth, and then brushed your hair to at least look presentable. It was still just Hoseok though. Your best friend.
He was already eating his sandwich on your couch by the time you came out. At least he looked sheepishly at you before replying he’d been way too hungry to wait for you. Once you settled next to him and grabbed your breakfast, you both caught up on the past week.
“You doing anything today?” Hoseok asked after taking a big bite of his sandwich.
“Lunch with the dudes.” He snickered knowing who you were talking about. “And then I actually have uh a date.”
The silence that followed afterward was almost defining. Hoseok stopped mid-chew, almost dropping his sandwich in the process. You stared at him, waiting for his reaction. Hoping that he’d say something, anything, to make you not go.
“Wow! That’s great! Is he the new guy at work? Ji-something.”
“Jisung.” You’d replied softly, seeing as he continued eating his sandwich like nothing happened.
Although you knew Hoseok didn’t like you like that, confirming it was so much worse than speculating. His eyes were happy and his expression was one of utter happiness. It broke your heart and for one moment in your life, you wished Valentine’s Day just didn’t exist.
Maybe that way you wouldn’t have met him. You wouldn’t have fallen in love with him. Wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of knowing that he was so close to you yet so far out of reach. Wouldn’t have to deal with the fact that the first man you’d fallen head over heels for didn’t love you the same way back. They say heartbreak heals; they say you’ll move on. But how were you supposed to move on when he was in every aspect of your life? How could you move on when every time you saw him you saw happiness and peace? How could you possibly move on from one of the best people in the entire world?
It was just not possible for you to get over Hoseok in a single day or month or year. Moving on would take so much and part of you didn’t want to move on. Didn’t want to forget the butterflies or the nerves. Didn’t want to forget the laughter or the tears shed. Didn’t want to forget all the beautiful feelings Hoseok made you feel.
You just knew that part of you would never move on. It wasn’t fair to you, and it wasn’t fair to Jisung. And you knew what you had to do.
After you and Hoseok exchanged gifts, crying a little bit of the thoughtfulness and for the tightness in your chest, you called Jisung to cancel your plans. You were honest with him. Told him everything and how he deserved someone to like him, to love him, with the same amount of passion he gives. He’d been understanding, telling you that you could still go out as friends just so you didn’t have to be alone. But you’d refused, telling him that it was okay and to go enjoy his day.
Lunch with the boys had been uneventful. They knew something was wrong and didn’t give up until you spilled your guts. Jungkook was the first to pull you into a hug, always the closest to you, and offered to kick Hoseok’s butt. You giggled, wet with tears before hugging him tighter. Jimin and Taehyung had then launched into a whole make him regret not loving your speech, but you’d shut it down.
“He deserves to be happy. Even if it isn’t with me.” Taehyung had frowned, shaking his head but not saying anything more. “Let’s just enjoy lunch, okay? Being here with you is better than anything else.”
After lunch, you’d gone back home for a while before deciding to head over to the park with a blanket just to lay down and see the sunset. You’d taken some leftovers from lunch just in case you got hungry, some seeds to feed the ducks, and brought some of the candies the boys had gifted you. (They also all pitched in to buy you a beautiful necklace and bracelet set with little butterflies which had caused another round of tears.)
The park was nearly empty, with only a couple of people here and there. You settled down under a tree next to the pond and the ducks didn’t waste a single minute and began to crowd you the second you sat down. You’d laugh, feeding some of the bigger ducks by throwing it to them and then hand-feeding some of the smaller ducks that tried to climb your legs. One of them in particular didn’t seem to want food and just waddled until he found a comfortable space between your legs and nestled into sleep. You’d cooed, taking out your phone to take a picture only to see a single message from Hoseok.
Hobi
‘Where are you?’
You frowned, checking the time, seeing that he was supposed to be taking the girl out to the amazing date he had planned.
You
‘Um, at the park.’
‘Why??’
He didn’t respond for a while, so you went out of the messaging app just to start taking pictures of the ducks, especially the sleeping one, to send out to Jimin who loved ducks. You were halfway with sending Jimin the pictures of the ducks when Hoseok’s message came through.
Hobi
“Don’t move. I am on my way.”
You were confused. Why was he on his way? Wasn’t he on his date with his dream girl? The woman he continued saying was perfect. Maybe he was coming over with her to introduce you two? The quacking of the ducks brought you back to reality and you decided that thinking over Hoseok’s actions had hurt you enough and it was time to stop. So, you waited. You continue feeding the ducks, face-timed Jimin to show him the ducks, sent messages out to all of your friends including Seokjin and Jisung. You were in your final message when someone shouted your name.
Looking around while sitting against a tree with a sleeping duck in your lap was harder than you thought. But not even a second later, Hoseok was kneeling over, hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. You looked at him confused since he was still wearing the tux he’d decked out for the date.
“What are you doing here? Isn’t your date waiting-” He cut you off.
“I am such an idiot.” He laughed still a bit out of breath, confusing you even further. “Gosh, I am an idiot. Yoon was right.”
“Yoongi? What does he have to do with you calling yourself an idiot?” You spoke and before he could talk you continued. “That’s not that point. What are you doing here? Where Bri- something?”
“Briana.” Hoseok supplied and you nodded.
“Yes, her. The love of your life? The future mother of your children?”
“Funny you should say that. I didn’t- couldn’t go on the date.” He whispered, finally sitting down on the blanket causing some of the ducks to squawk in protest.
“Why? Did your car break down? Cause if it did, you can just use mine-” You leaned over to grab your keys, but Hoseok intercepted, linking his hand with yours. Your breath hitched, glancing at him and then your hands, unsure of what to do.
“I couldn’t do it. She was there, in the restaurant, waiting for me and I couldn’t go in.” He whispered again. “I couldn’t go in because she wasn’t you. I pictured you in there with your hair down with the little flower clips I got you for your birthday. I pictured you wearing the sundress with flowers on it that you insist makes you look weird, but it makes you look like the most ethereal being ever. I pictured you with a smile and telling me about your day at the cafe. Telling me how Jungkook messed up an order, that Taehyung added more chocolate than necessary, that Jimin tripped over mid-air. I pictured you grabbing my hand and telling me that you had fun. That we were going to go on a walk and exchange gifts and I’d tell you that I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember. That you looked at me and told me you loved me back. But it wasn’t you. It wasn’t you waiting for me, and I couldn’t do it.”
His eyes were filled with tears, and you were sure that you were crying.
“I couldn’t stop the thought of not being able to hold you close anymore. Of watching you move on and be happy. And that’s why it hurts, Y/N. Because I want you to be so damn happy. I want you to live your life and love every minute of it. The thought that I wouldn’t be a part of that hurt me more than I could have ever imagined. And I’m so sorry for hurting you and for making you feel less than what you are. So even if after all of this, you don’t want me, I want you to know that it’s okay. I’ll be okay. We will be okay.”
You cried, swinging your body against his, causing the duck to fall from your lap and for him to topple back into the ground. He held you while you cried, the pain and heartache pouring out of you.
“You idiot. You are such an idiot.” You cried against his chest, laughing as well.
“I told you I was. But I meant what I said…”
You pulled away from him, just to scoot over where you were face to face with each other.
“Jung Hoseok, if you don’t kiss me right now, I will leave you here.”
He smiled, the heart-shaped one you always loved, before pulling you towards him with a hand on the back of your head. The kiss was exhilarating and breathtaking. Your mouths moved in sync as if two puzzle pieces just slotted together finally. It was soft and sweet but rough and sentimental. It was every single emotion poured into a single kiss. Longing, heartache, pain, love, lust, and everything in between. Kissing Hoseok was something out of this world, and when you pulled back a bit to breathe, you couldn’t help but dive in to capture his lips again and again till you both got numb.
“I love you so much.” You croaked, tears springing in your eyes once more. All he did was cup your cheek and pull you in for another kiss.
“I love you too.”
Maybe Valentine’s Day had always been special to you but that one, in particular, took it beyond any other.
