Just a stargazer

Tired and sad but at least I'm not straight 

[fallenstargayzers]

Oh man, it's getting bright again. I've taken to spending my Saturday mornings in a coffee shop with my book. The rain yesterday washed my car and the birds have stopped stealing our cat's food. A week ago we spent the night naming stars through the clouds. I held your hand and didn't feel scared.

My mother bought my a small plant for my desk in work. She has a habit of culivating life effortlessly. I hope I can do the same. You drew two eyes and little stick figure arms on the pot and I wonder how I got so lucky to exist at the same time you do. I smile when I look at the wonky marker lines. You send me photos of our cat throughout the day and I have to stop myself from giggling like an idiot. You call me your idiot. I havent written in forever and I can't help but think of the quote "Loving someone to the point of creation." My god, what else is there to say. I love you to the point of creation.

[fallenstargayzers]

the grass tickled my fingertips as i lay next to you watching as a bee hummed from flower to flower lazily, bumping into leaves and weaving through the sea of green. you piled grass onto my legs, hoping i wouldnt notice, sneaky. knotted daisies lay on your head, the gold centers match the highlights in your hair. the blue paint is peeling off the swing chair again losing the fight to the sun slowly, we sit there on starry nights bundled under scarves and hats and too-big-jackets listening to the melody of the stars serenade us the cat is chasing the bee

i remember planting those tulips with you, you laughed when i spilled water down my shirt and gasped as it made contact with my skin it was worth it to see your smile

[fallenstargayzers]

im moving abroad im going for a walk im laughing in the rain im throwing a piece of spaghetti at the wall im trying to understand why birds flock together im running up the stairs im washing my hands im watching sand fall through my fingers im climbing a tree im kneading dough im fighting with my sister im hugging my friend im tying up my hair im sleeping through my alarm im learning to live again

i am i am i am

[fallenstargayzers]

it started slow i opened the window chipped paint falling away from the frame I’m starting to feel again someone had cut the grass my roommate brought home fresh strawberries the cat had made its own impression in the flowerbed a bee flew lazily from one yellow petal to the next it smells like spring I painted for the first time this year I called my mother I'm starting to feel again

[fallenstargayzers]

we've been running for a while haven't we? i miss being 17 funny how in control i was when i knew so little do you feel the same? i don't know why you stayed you said it was to stop me doing stupid things..without you at least do you remember how we met? i walked into a glass door and you laughed at me but i didn't mind because you looked incredible always do i'm smiling thinking about it i started writing this feeling kinda sad but you've made me smile without even knowing we have been running for some time but it's not so bad with you

[fallenstargayzers]

Strange isn’t it? How the separation of people can bring them closer together Opposite sides of the country but so closely intertwined Our mosaic of broken glass, Edges softened by nights of whispered confessions Scattered and disorganized and creating something beautiful I fall asleep to the music of your breathing, Crackling through the phone line A wonderful acknowledgement of the connection that’s brand new and ancient Quarantine is being alone, not lonely Maybe missing the closeness, Just a little. I don’t know how long we’ll be separated but that’s okay, We can just keep building our mosaic, Together.

[fallenstargayzers]

Sharing

You had been dreaming of an odd man on a mountain. In the valley there was a river reflecting the last rays of sunlight. The old man invited you to sit and listen with him. His presence was calming. At first you both stayed silent, staring into the sunset. His tall frame remained still as he began to reminisce. He spoke of his home, a far off land, with wistful longing in his smooth voice. He regaled you with stories of how trees formed when the earth imitated lightning in an attempt to reach the stars, of animals and land being one and the same, of lonely forest spirits and placid desert ones, of pockets of nature waiting to be discovered, just beyond our reach. You turned to him as he finished his final tale to discover that he was different, younger. His spine had straightened out, shoulders stopped hunching, face softened, eyes brightened, smile returned. It’s weird how sharing can change you, isn’t it?

[fallenstargayzers]

The air was crisp. It caused goosebumps to rise on our arms. The sky was full of stars, twinkling silently. Over the tallest summit, Mars flicker brightly. We stood, leaving sentences unspoken, and watched as the stars talked in faint solar flares.

We waited there until dawn, thinking, observing. Dawn brought with it the most spectacular sunrise. The sun leaked out east and stained the dark sky red and marked the scraps of clouds with stolen gold. And then, it unlocked something deep in my chest and it didn’t feel like the universe was folding in on itself anymore, I was ready to go back.

[fallenstargayzers]

In the future

in the future it will be dark. inside, the fire will emit a faint glow as the last embers struggle to keep the dying light. the radio in the kitchen will be heard playing Christmas songs faintly through the wall. you will be curled up on the sofa reading, or attempting to, before the sandman visits. the pages will flutter slightly with every breath you take. your glasses will slip halfway down your nose. in this future you will be happy and warm and content. you will have a cat that curls up on your chest on rainy days and a warm cup of hot chocolate ready for any old friends spontaneously dropping by. you will have a cactus that sits in the sunniest window and a blanket made from the softest wool for starry nights. there will be streetlights in the distance and peace in your heart.

[fallenstargayzers]

are you in college? if so, what are you studying? btw i really like your blog and i'm glad you're back

I am currently in University and I’m studying mechanical engineering.

I’m glad I’m back too, I have like 6 weeks off for christmas and I’m so excited to do some writing. I’ve really missed this.

thanks anon :)

[fallenstargayzers]

do you prefer reading stories or poems?

Probably stories, though I do find it hard to get fully immersed sometimes.

thanks anon :) 

[fallenstargayzers]

I wanted to remember this moment forever, we were wandering through the woods, your hand in mine, leaves had fallen too late, covering the ground with a mosaic of fall colours, moss climbed up the bark of ancient trees, deer wove their way through flattened grass paths, it was peaceful, the clouds were stained pink, the last vestiges of sunlight flowed through the bare branches warm blooded creatures made ghosts as they breathed, the cold air provided an excuse to be close to you, we passed old castle ruins, abandoned, beautiful in postcard way I suddenly understood the poems and tales of love, moments like this would be written in our story.

[fallenstargayzers]

hello

time to ask me questions

feel free to ask me anything

or send me suggestions for a new poem 

[fallenstargayzers]

hey

      Some comforting things:

the gentle to and fro swish of the ocean

car lights reflecting off the wet ground

that first leaf blooming on a dormant branch

the crackle of the fire while sipping steaming hot chocolate

new bed sheets and fluffy pajamas

watching streetlights in the distance

the purring of a cat as it trails lazily around your legs

the first robin in winter

the glow of the stars on a clear night

incoherent jokes mumbled at 3 am

stepping on crunchy leaves

the sound of heavy rain on the roof

finding money in an old jacket

bird footprints in snow

spontaneous trips with friends

naming inanimate objects stupid things

walking in a woods

smiling at dogs

the smell of cookies in the oven

Christmas lights wrapped around trees

[fallenstargayzers]

odd

stars flickered in galactic morse code in the distance streetlights ebbed in and out of sight behind swaying branches the mountain stood silent, as usual, its silhouette the only thing preventing the illusion of a never ending horizon a lone car's lights trail along an unseen street a reminder of other life odd the moon is slightly irritating it drowns out the other stars, swallowing them whole a dog's bark echoes from one garden to the next a tremor starts in the base of my spine and arises as a shiver your hand wraps around my wrist and you run your thumb over my pulse another shiver not from the cold odd.

[fallenstargayzers]

it's 4:53am and I'm thinking about you, about me, about us. we don't talk as much as I'd like but then, you don't really like to talk. you have actions, a drawing, a warm cup of ridiculously expensive coffee. you have somehow made your own language out of eye rolls, perfectly timed one liners and quiet head shakes. still, your sardonic wit is missed, stupid life had to get in the way, sending us to opposite sides of the country. do you ever lie awake and think of me? I know your thoughts can sometimes be jumbled but that's okay. I've never really been one for lying awake and thinking, but there's just something about you. I hope I figure it out soon.

(I wish I never figured it out)

[fallenstargayzers]

I miss you all the time. you're still here, just, more distant. I saw you yesterday, we talked, I don't know if you saw me. that seems to be the usual these days. your eyes, bruised, from lack of sleep, your shoulders slumped. I asked you about it but you just shrugged me off. I miss your smile, and the perceivable nose twitch that precedes it. I miss your sarcastic humour, I miss the doodles that you used to draw in my math copy. I miss you, I miss us.