Ellipses

just another little mermaid story

[falsvehope]

First Love Never Dies

Yes, I know. The title is so cliché. But is it true though? This is one of the thoughts that kept me up at night. I’m scared. I’m scared that my heart will run back to you when I see you again. I’m scared that this feeling isn’t really dead and will come back in the future.

Then, we met again. And fuck, when I said your name, my heart leapt and my eyes looked at the ground. I still cannot handle the intensity of your eyes. I don’t know if you also feel like this. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m the only one wanting us back. There’s this silence around us. It’s not comfortable anymore. I miss when you would smile from afar when you would see me coming. But now, your eyes don’t have the sparkle in them. There’s just this emptiness and coldness I can’t recognize. Maybe I am the only one. I am the only one hurting.

[falsvehope]

Languages

There are all these different languages in the world that exist and maybe we only know one to three of them. Using these words, we can only interact with people who also understand and know them. But is it possible to not understand the person you share the same language with?

Yes.

You might know the obvious explanation. Words are not the only way of communication. Facial expression, body language, eye contact, smiles, skinship, and feelings. There are so many factors that affect our communication. Most people don’t talk to people who are quiet because they always mistake it to being independent, wanting to spend time alone or being hostile. But that’s bullshit. Don’t you know that the people who are the most quiet are the people who have stormy thoughts? They think and think because there’s no one for them to talk to. And so, they drown in their own thoughts. Please always remember: nobody wants to be alone.

Just gonna end it here. Sorry I know I can do better but that’s all for my thoughts now.

[falsvehope]

A Realist Hating Life

I know I shouldn’t hate life but I can’t help it. I know this is just temporary; that I would soon die and turn into dirt six feet under ground. But it sucks. It sucks because the person I love doesn’t love me back. It sucks because I wasted an opportunity and I am now suffering the consequences and tasting the bitter taste and excruciating pain of deep regret. It sucks because my friends and I are just together because there’s no one else to hang out with. It sucks because I always compare myself to others and I always end up losing the contest of “Who’s The Better One?” It sucks because I feel like a burden to my parents so I make myself feel as weightless as possible. I can see the way people around me look at me with this stare which kind of says “what a big disappointment.” 

You know, I want to think that there’s a reason for me being here in this exact moment in this universe, in this planet, in this country, inside this house, writing this blog or maybe I’m just trying to make myself seem a lot more special than what I really am. You see, that’s the downside of being a realist. People tend to think that you’re a negative thinker when in reality, you’re just stating the obvious. You don’t try to get your hopes up because you know exactly what the truth is. It’s kind of being pessimistic but you’re not over exaggerating things. You just take things as what they are and not put a whipped cream with a cherry on top of the reality.

[falsvehope]

I think my mind has its own way of remembering things I shouldn’t. Well, you know what people say, “Old habits are hard to let go of.” They also say that it only takes 21 days to break an old habit. I’m still in day one. I’m always stuck in day one. Somehow, there will be something that would show up that would remind me of you. I can’t stop it. Sometimes, it wasn’t because of anything. You would just pop up in my thoughts. I think you just don’t pop up; you’re like a ghost behind my brain and when you had a chance, you would slowly creep in and contaminate my thoughts. It’s like thinking about you has been a part of my daily routine and I keep on forgetting that you were already erased from my schedule. I know I shouldn’t write about you because I don’t know if it makes it better or worse. I thought it would be easier to move on because I don’t see you as often as I do in the past but it’s still hard. And what scares me the most is even if I have thought that I have already moved on and see you again after a few years, my heart would come chasing after you again.

[falsvehope]

The Sound

“Well, I know when you’re around ‘cause I know the sound

I know the sound, of your heart”

-- The Sound by The 1975

These lyrics are indeed true. Even if I’m in a room full of strangers, I would know just where to look to find you. Maybe it was just me. Maybe I just got used to your eyes that my heart has known where I could find it in a split second. I would know I’m in the same room with you just by the rate of how fast my heart beats. I would look around the room and between the blur of strange and unfamiliar faces, your face would be the only one not blurred out. 

[falsvehope]

And everyone's competing For a love they won't receive

Team by Lorde

[falsvehope]

Always remember: Head over feels.

asymptoticfate

[falsvehope]

How did you know that she was worth the risk?

[heyitsnatadebuco-deactivated201]

I’ve been lying all the time. I always say that I don’t love you anymore, but everytime I see you, butterflies starts to come along. I’m telling myself that I don’t miss you, but everynight before I sleep, I always caught myself thinking about our precious memories. I can’t hide it anymore, I can’t fool myself anymore. It’s still you, always you that my heart wants.

[falsvehope]

How could you look at me in that way while holding her hand?

asymptoticfate

[falsvehope]

The Inevitable

I look at you now and see the same person I loved since last year. God worked a miracle and you also looked at me. I look away. There’s no use. You already have her. I’m too late. But I swear when you looked at me, it was different. Maybe you’re just curious of me. Maybe you already know. Now that you know, is it okay for you if a person like me loves you in silence, in lingering glances?

Life seemed to flash before our eyes. We’re already in our last night. What if I never see you again? I know all things must come to an end but I thought this would go on forever. I thought you’re a song that would be on repeat forever that I still wouldn’t get tired of. 

Goodbye is now drawing near. In a few hours, in a few songs, in a few seconds, we might not see each other again. And I wonder if we do see each other, what would we do? Would we attempt to know each other? Or would we just pass each other by? That, I do not know but I would like to believe that if time and destiny would permit, the inevitable will happen.

[falsvehope]

It scares me how something could begin and be over in just a flash.

asymptoticfate

[falsvehope]

Waiting

All we do is wait in silence. We keep on waiting on our seats that we forget that we could get up and do it ourselves. We keep on relying on things we made up like fate, destiny and the universe. We keep on waiting for things to fall on our laps. We keep on waiting and waiting and waiting...

What do we do if it never comes?

[falsvehope]

Shatter my fantasy.

asymptoticfate

[falsvehope]

Take Me To Church (Literally)

This might sound weird but I have many times thought of going to church to go see a priest or someone that is knowledgeable of the Bible. Why, you may ask?

I feel lost.

You see, I have experienced separation anxiety last year and because of my emotions, I have made a bad decision. That decision resulted to a lot of sad events to happen that has made me sadder than when I had sepanx. 

Those who have experienced having sepanx know how your thoughts get overclouded with negativity that you don’t see the many blessings that you are bestowed with. It’s also very hard to participate in school because you’re always distracted with your thoughts. You get tantrums because of the one thing or person (that you are very attached to) separated from you. It might also be caused by a stressful life changing event in your life that you have not been able to cope up easily.

But I did not know about this when I had it. I didn’t know that I have a mental disorder. I didn’t know how to deal with it. I tried to confide to my sisters and mom but every complaint I throw at them about my new school (a very prestigious one), they would try to make it positive. I just wish that whenever I tell them something that I’m having difficulty with, they would say that they understand and tell me that it would all be alright. But I didn’t feel understood and I yearned for my classmates in my old school. I have made new friends in my first week but no matter how nice the friends I have made were, I couldn’t stop missing my old friends. I threw tantrums for a whole week that my mom pitied me and asked me to choose if I still want to continue studying in this prestigious school or to go back to my old school. Of course, when you feel deeply sad and hopeless, you’ll grab any opportunity to get out of it. So I told them I wanted to go back. When I got back, of course my friends and I were happy to be reunited again but as time went by, I started to realize the big opportunity I have passed up. It’s a prestigious school and I chose to go back just because of my emotions. Sometimes, people are right when they say, “it’s all in the head.” 

Sometimes in order to solve our problems, we need to see things from a different point of view. Now that I think about it, if I just continued studying in that prestigious school, I would be saved from more tears and pain. I just found out that my “a year and a half” crush/love (yes, I wrote the poem about him) already has a girlfriend. My mom and I also fought a lot. 

I realized that God was just trying to save me. He was trying to save me from the heartache and tears that I would receive from holding on to what’s gone. God works in ways unknown to us. He knows what’s best for us and what we need to experience in order for us to grow into the person we are meant to become. And even though my soul is lost, I pray that God will give me the courage to start over again and to get back to the life He planned for me originally.

And if the one who’s reading this experiences the same feeling of deep regret, don’t worry for God doesn’t abandon His lost children. Just like the shepherd who left his flock of sheep just to look for the lost one. He’s looking for us and soon, we’ll find our way back to Him.

[ninagpineda]

A Love Letter to My Stranger

To the one I have yet to meet,

You don’t know how far I’ve come just to get here. Over the past year I have been through hell and back, and I would even argue that it wasn’t just once, either. I’ve gone to and fro many times, maybe even a hundred times, but who knows? Who’s kept count?

Certainly not me.

I’ve lost many people along the way, but gained scars as proof of my story, and I am itching to show it to you. Look: I had a lived a life before you, learned all my lessons to prepare me for you, and now I am hoping to share it with you.

My story, much like yours, is one that is still unfolding, and I am eagerly flipping the page so I could get to the part of your arrival.

There’s so much I have to tell you. So much I want to catch you up on, and even more that I want to learn all about you. I haven’t even met you yet, I don’t even know who you are or who you will be, but I already know that I will love you with all my heart. And that you, by grace of God, will make it all worth it. You will be the answer to my long-standing question, the yes at the end of all my no’s, the missing piece that will complete the picture.

Before you, a storm had rocked my once-steady ship. I thought many times I’d go overboard, but then suddenly the skies just cleared, and it was smooth-sailing from then on. I see you in the distance; you are sweet land after years spent at sea. (Or maybe I’m the wave that keeps coming back to kiss the shore, no matter how many times I’m swept away.)

When you arrive, I know it will all make sense, and I will finally see why it didn’t work out with anyone else.

I understand that there are a few more things we have to go through on our own, so that we may become stronger and readier for each other. For example, I, for one, am relieved that I have gotten myself out of my slump before I would meet you. If I had met you prior, I doubt that it would have worked out.

God’s time is a funny thing, but I trust it. I can feel how close you are to me, but it is not our time yet. We have to be patient. Soon I know I will be able to tell my friends: It’s him. I have found him. And I will love him, with all the love I have been made to suppress over the years.

It’s weird, isn’t it? When we cry over the people who don’t wish to accept our hearts, even if we willingly hand it over them. No—not even just hand it over to them, we surrender it. And then we meet that person, that new someone else, and we realize that the world was just trying to save us for something better. That’s you. You’re my better; my best.

I don’t think I could put my final message to you any better than Kings of Leon had in their song. Caleb Followill crooned, “It’s all better now, it’s all better now; wait for me. Wait for me.”

Do you know that song? Don’t worry if you don’t. After I meet you, we’ll have all the time in the world to listen to it.

Love,

Nina

[falsvehope]

A Year and A Half

Only fools fall for you… And maybe I am one.

It was a year and a half of one sided love

It’s been a year and half since I first saw those eyes

Since I’ve been a fool to entrust to you my heart

Trusting you to hold it dear and give yours, too

It was a year of being stuck in a fantasy

A year of hoping for a happy ending

Hoping for that famous fallacy

One day, you and me on a white wedding

Half of the year I was doubting

If ever that day will come

While I’m up in a balcony

For dear Romeo to profess his love

It was a year and a half of not knowing

A year and a half of not knowing

Not knowing that you already have someone else

- asymptoticfate

photo credits: Voodica Photography