It turns out wanting something doesn’t make it real
A few days ago I saw this little bit of text.
Over the past year, I’ve had many, many new experiences. Most of them positive, though of course the negative ones never really disappear. I started with a new focus last September, wanting to forget my past, forcing myself as much as possible to look forward. I’ve had a fantastic time, which unfortunately, will soon end as well. No matter how much I enjoy teaching, I simply need to finish my studies before I can truly call myself a teacher, trying to help teenagers to both grow as a person and wonder about the world around them. I still doubt I’d be any more qualified to do this in 3-4 years than I am now, except for maaaybe a bit larger difference in age.
If I had it my way, I’d stop going to college, and just be a teacher.
A few months ago, I started living on my own. At first I started off pretty excited, just like anyone when they leave home. A whole new world opens, you get to decide everything from dinner to cleaning, no one to bother you with a ‘Do this now!’, a whole new place, just for me... I wanted to learn how to take care of myself. I wanted to learn how to start wanting myself to be happy, and actively trying to make that a reality. I truly did, and still do... But I feel like most of the time I’m just sitting here, wasting my time, seeing the world pass by without me. More and more often, I lack the energy and initiative to just hang out with others, whilst being by myself makes me feel alone and miserable.
If I had it my way, I’d stop being such a weird mix of introvert and outrovert, and just laugh with the ones that care.
A month or two ago, the news hit my korfball club, one of our teammates, who was currently abroad, studying, would not return to our club and instead play on a higher level, wanting to test how far she could go. Though I knew I’d miss her a lot, I also knew it would be the best for her. Truly testing the limit of oneself must be amazing, and I’ve slowly felt perhaps even held down by my small club. But seeing the backlash of some key figures on her leave made me feel both furious for daring to say such things about my friend, and anxious for secretly wanting to broaden my horizon as well. I also had a fantastic group of children, always supporting one another, growing as a team, having fun as a team... I wanted to have that feeling as well again.
If I had it my way, I wouldn’t be so indecisive and be able to make strong decisions for what’s best for me, and be proud in my choices.
By the time I’m writing this, it’s about 2,5 days away from being single for a year. Since we’ve broken up, I’ve had trouble looking forward. The problem with memories is that no matter how beautiful they once may be, any memory can one day suddenly be turned into a painful one. Every day I spend with her, every text we sent back and forth for hours after one another, everytime I was able to look in her eyes and felt her seeing... me... All those beautiful moments that made me happier than I’ve ever been... are heartbreaking now. I want to look forward, but no matter how often I’m told things like ‘There’s many more fish in the sea’ or ‘You’re still young! I can’t see you ending up alone’, I always have her stuck in my mind, stuck in my heart. She’s taken up such a big part of it, and now I feel empty most of the time. I feel like I have to go through life wearing masks, both for others, and for those few moments that those masks and me intertwine and I forget ever so briefly how much I hate myself for fucking up.
If I had it my way, I’d wish for us to be together.
So many wishes, so many things that are gnawing at my mind, gnawing at my heart. It’s definitely true that simply wanting something can’t just make it real, you have to act to get what you really want.
But then why do I feel so alone, so helpless, so useless... Why can’t I seem to keep going in any way different than by wearing a mask and putting up with life as I know it...?
Why can’t I make my wishes real?
