It's so dark in here.

lee jongsuk. feral mind. twenty one. #406. lethe "on love, on grief, on every human thing, time sprinkles lethe's water with his wing."

[fcxairborne]

resurrection.

( — ; there’s this something that brews within Kai and it smells pungent, like mirth mixed with mischief—two attributes which Kai has learned better to define himself with. there’s this something which covets chaos to simmer within people, within his victims, being the twisted twisted being that he is. he’d justify himself by saying that oh, I’m a social being, and sometimes homo homini lupus. he’ll eat them alive, tearing their flesh open, indulging in the sight of carnage as he rips their hearts to shreds like pomegranate between his teeth. vermillion never looks so good against his sun-kissed skin. insanity is never brandished so well on his hands. and so he marches forth, towards a room that he’s become a little too familiarized with. knock knock. I came for a reason too trite you can taste the vapidity on your tongue. knock knock. the end isn’t nigh; don’t be afraid. I’m not going to claw your insides now, Jongsuk. ) Hyung, it’s me. Kai.

[fcxljongsuk]

[ jongsuk learns to feel his body do its thing -- pumping and churning and constantly evolving, things they do without his permission. it is a quiet morning filled with the sound of the drum in his chest and the wind breathing in through his window, moving his curtains in a way that changes the light dancing on closed eyelids. when the sound of knocks startle their way into his perception, every part of him feels under attack, and are only relieved of their defenses when a familiar voice calls out to him. ] kai? [ he silently pads his way to the door, inviting in the boy's face with a small wave. still heavy from the weight of the sun, he utters a few incoherent grunts before a nonchalant, ] what do you need?

[fcxljongsuk]

i need to sleep so i can pack for college tomorrow but there's so many lovelies online ugH i hate love you all

[fcxljongsuk]

++ plots/ideas

hmmmessage me if you wanna steal one, all are both gender friendly n,n

++ jongsuk needs a phone pls be the buddy who enforces him to get one

++ jongsuk also needs more clothes and furniture in his room: unwilling shopping trip !!

++ but first jongsuk needs a job for more important things like money for shopping and food so if u can help him with that thanks

++ unless you wanna be his suga momma/daddy and just give him what he wants because he'll be your puppy if you do

++ you can also feed the poor boy if ya want bc yano he has no money to his name or anything rlly

++ be the dipshit that annoys him while he meditates

++ be his meditating buddy -- sudden rain outside and cute memories will ensue

++ lifesaver : "i wanted to die. i never asked you to save me."

++ stuff of dreams : "i dunno. i stop trying to remember when you're next to me. less holes, more... dreaming."

++ good souls / give me a heart to hold the godlike truth, give me one good soul i can tell it to ♫ : "lately i've just been trying to believe that there's this huge all loving ambiguous god out there who doesn't mind that i have this defect in my humanity. i mean a god wouldn't create something he/she can't ever love.... right?"  (not necessarily romantic). 

++  adventure buddies / you said, remember that life is not meant to be wasted, we can always be chasing the sun. so fill up your lungs and just run, but always be chasing the sun ♫ : "that sounds crazy. lets do it."

[fcxjinri-blog]

— beam me up

it had been another hard night—not that any of them were particularly easy—one that leaves jinri with a head that feels seconds from cracking open, swollen eyes, and an overall desire to simply stay where she was—parked in her bed with her laptop on her lap. the stationary position definitely promised not only security, but the possibility of hitting level 70 today on maplestory or finding a sweet nx sugar daddy. maybe even both.  tempting was one way to describe the idea of staying.

five minutes of sleepy deliberation later, the girl manages to tear herself from thoughts of indulgence and her bed, steadying herself as her feet trace the swirls her lethargic, starved body draw. had she forgotten to eat dinner again? probably. but then why does she feel nauseous too? a moment is spent in a squinter’s contemplation before she decides not to care, stumbling to the washroom with half lidded eyes and pulling herself through her morning routine. wearily, she smiles at the place where their mirror used to be, then twirling to the dorm’s mini fridge to pull out two cold spoons and an energy drink before shutting it and turning to her nightstand to pluck out a granola bar and her bottles of medication.

normalcy awaits.

meagre breakfast inhaled, jinri lays back on her bed, holding onto the spoons and bouncing her feet against the mattress as she felt the metal utensils warm. she practically leaps off her bed this time around, floating to the washroom to quickly wash the tools and return them to the fridge. chemical confidence begins to pulse through her veins, and she finds that shoving herself into the role of the usual ‘pleasant, airheaded choi jinri,’ let her ascent come quicker, as if her thoughts were helium and she was a mere balloon, waiting to be filled.

stuffing her phone—but not before checking the time; she wasn’t going to be late! or well, that late. you go, choi jinri—and the obligatory face mask into the back pocket of her shorts, the girl exits the empty room and shuts the door behind her. it feels weird, leaving for class alone, but in all honesty, what wasn’t strange nowadays? she makes a note to whine to soojung about it later regardless, lips curving into a small, jilted grin at the thought of immature revenge as she makes her way to class.

it takes a few minutes too long to find her close combat class, though at this point, she accepts brain lag as a regularity (an annoying one perhaps, but it is hard to hold onto annoyance when one isn’t sober) and decides to congratulate herself on wandering into the familiar hallway. seeing a foreign figure—one at whom she squints at, scrutinising with extra effort just in case her confusion is her own mistake—hovering near the class’ entrance, the mutant pauses, thumbs finding where full, proper pockets should’ve been in her shorts and resting them in the small dip she was able to force.

there isn’t much analysis that is needed to be put forward—it’s obvious. the male in front of her is either lost or considering skipping; two spots she’s beyond familiar with. and so it’s with a friendly, bright smile that she walks over, prodding the fellow’s shoulder.

"lost?"

it is the easier, more polite assumption to voice.

[fcxljongsuk]

when the sunlight hits his closed eyelids, jongsuk takes a sharp intake of air. sunlight is the only thing that lives with jongsuk in this room, and he welcomes mr sun in with a movement of his hand on the curtain. the smell of heat and an empty room makes its way slowly through his system, and he moves his hand to reach the sticky beads of sweat on his forehead. cold water washes the evidence of nightmares away before he makes his way to class.

his stomach growls in an upset manner, but he bites his tongue and holds down the feeling of empty, for his wallet is far more empty than his stomach will ever be. empty stomach, empty wallet, empty pockets, but right now he's just glad that he remembers how to tie his shoes and read the characters of his own name. maslow's hierarchy of needs, his ass. he can get all the food he wants and still not feel alive unless he knows he's human enough to do basic everyday human tasks. 

he walks slowly, repeating in his mind a million times how the map of the school goes and the landmarks he has to pass in order to get to combat class. it is only when he reaches the class that he realizes the churning in his stomach is more than just hunger. combat class. jongsuk has never fought once in his life that he can remember, and though his memory isn't something that holds very many things anyway, it's the memories that he doesn't hold that makes him nauseous. what if the monster decided to come out right in the middle of class? how horrible it would be to give these people a memory so horrible that he himself isn't allowed to remember it?

he watches through the door crack, legs swaying as he wonders if it is best to just go back to bed and bask in mr sun. on the moment of decision, he is preparing to take a step back, but is instead greeted by a glow of a girl tapping his shoulder. 

his face is less than affected in expression, but his body can't help but tingle with shock from the unexpected contact. it takes a while before his mind is able to understand the question in the lilt of her voice.

"um. no." he figures he should just walk away at this point so the girl won't feel the need to touch or talk to him any further, but it looks like he was the one in her way in the first place. "are you, uh, in here?" the sentence plays itself over in his head until he can puzzle the pieces of language together in a way that makes more sense. "i mean, are you in this class?"

[fcxljongsuk]

{ ` squirms at the contact, if only because of the faint pressure added to her bladder—which clearly didn’t help in the slightest bit—as a whine escapes her, kicking her feet back and forth a bit quickly as she literally bounces a bit } oppa hurry—!—hurry! { ` her face screws up into something less than attractive, chubby cheeks puffed out as her face flushes, wobbling a bit once the male sets her down; it doesn’t take long to notice the bathroom behind, though soojung casts him a pouty glance before stepping (more like waddling at a slightly quick pace, if one were to be honest) toward it } don’t peek— { ` (╯ಊ╰) }

[ it is jongsuk’s turn for bright red to stain his cheeks as the little girl makes her way toward the bathroom, and he takes a sharp 180 turn to face the other side. his mouth opens to say something, but he forgets how to language and opts for a silent acknowledgement. he shifts in his place, wondering where the hell this little girl came from and where he needs to return her. it’s not like she came with a receipt or a dog tag, she’s a little girl for christ’s sake! he takes a breath and decides he’ll worry about that after this crisis is averted. ] are… are you okay? you don’t need any… any help? [ he mentally slaps himself — of all the way he could of sentenced that, he ended up with that phrase. there’s just a tiny part of him that’s glad she’s too young to understand the awkwardness that hangs around him like bad breath. ]

[fcxljongsuk]

ok so i havent been working with the person who makes me nervous so there's not so much emotional distress in my life which means! i can finally write without feeling like a dipshit emotionally.

but on the bad note, kitty hyuna is gone which is sucky because we had such a beautiful plot that never played out sigh

but um there was some plotting that never got finished before i left so if you still want to plot or want to plot or anything of the nature tbh hit me up or aim me bitches (vitamin_sea)

[fcxljongsuk]

plotting; storm, bar, yifan, yugyeom, sungyeol, jiyeon, tae, siren, jb, ravi, sehun, jay, kai

owe; taehyung, yuri, jinri x 2, ktaro, calypso

waiting; krystal, jiwon, dara, hyuna

p sure im missing people but this is all i remember rn and i just answered everything so pls let me know if communication got cut off some way or another ou o have a beautiful day my little ball bearings !

[fcxljongsuk]

{ ` it's embarrassing, she doesn't want to ask—yet the way her bladder almost twinges with pain forces her to, waddling down the hall with her legs clamped shut and chubby arms wrapping around her abdomen } — { ` it is with a small shameful whine that she reaches out to grasp on the pants leg of another, tugging harshly as she lifts her head to look up at him, chubby cheeks flushed with as much embarrassment a three and half-ish year old could have } oppa—soojungie has to go... { ` squeaks out }

[ there's a slight beat in which jongsuk blinks and tries to make sense of the little figure in front of him before the situation sinks into his understanding. ] i-- um [ his hands have no awareness of where they should go, slightly moving back and forth along with the movement in his eyes as panic sets in. he's never dealt with a child before, never had the occasion too. he decides that it is best to take her to the bathroom before she wets herself, or worse--starts crying. his hands find their way awkwardly to the small girl's waist and carries her at arms length away, watching her face for telltale signs of tears as he rushes to the nearest girl's bathroom. setting her down when he sets his eyes on the 'women's bathroom' sign, he slightly pats her to let her know she can go in ] here. bathroom. [ he's slightly out of breath and is dazed at best, and he wonders if he has to go inside to help her or if he has to bring her into the men's bathroom to keep her safe. she's old enough to go by herself... right? ]

[fcxljongsuk]

hey so i'm sleeping over at a friend's house for a while and she has no wifi ; n ; so it might take me a while to get through some stuff because the only place i can get wifi is at work. i'll be working on some stuff there when i can but i doubt i'll make any holy progress so i apologize in advance !

[fcxljongsuk]

〖 first attempt ; self para 〗

         [ age 19 ]

jongsuk stood on the edge of banpo bridge under the moonlight, cheeks stained with blood and tears. 

it was only a little past midnight and the streets were less than busy, which meant only one thing to the boy with a lust for death — less people to stop him from removing the monster inside. dissociative identity disorder, the doctor had said. a psychological problem that seemed more like a disease that was engraved in jongsuk’s bones. he knew about it, felt it in his anatomy, but couldn’t see it. like cancer to a seemingly healthy man, it was simply something that was a part of jongsuk. this illness was not intruder, but a permanent resident in the corners of jongsuk’s brain.

river lethe, the river that was said to return a person to a state of oblivion. if it were more than just stuff of legend, jongsuk wouldn’t be on this janky old bridge in the middle of the night. complete oblivion was the goal and if he couldn’t live after trying his best, then at least he knew he tried at all because no matter how many holes were already in his memory, there was one terrifying hole that kept trying to fill itself back in. he was never one for dreaming, but these days a single recurring nightmare had been haunting him like he was an empty house with a welcome mat on the front door.

in his head, he could hear the girl’s scream from the alley, the grunts of the man who had pinned her down. the girl’s scream when he took the man by the neck. the girl’s scream when he threw the man against the brick wall. the girl’s scream as she yelled his name. the girl’s scream as his eyes turned black, and he lost control.

the silence when two necks snapped at the same time.

if it were just a dream, then jongsuk wouldn’t be clinging onto oblivion like a baby’s blanket, but he remembered the moment of the black out, the preceding last moments he had with the girl before she walked into that alley. dissociative identity disorder, the doctor had said, but jongsuk knew it was more than that. it was a monster that had climbed inside of his head and refused to come out, stole his memories and taunted him with the most terrifying parts of them.

his knees started trembling. if the wind were strong enough, it would push him down. but in the end, it was jongsuk who willed himself off the edge. it was jongsuk who felt the wind as it lashed out at him, a million whips punishing him for the crime he couldn’t fully remember. and it was still Jongsuk when he reached the state of feral mind just one second before he reached the water’s surface.

dissociative identity disorder, the doctor had said. but it was something far more terrible. when he wakes up, he will realize that the doctor was wrong, that no DSM-IV could ever explain why he didn’t die as the water swallowed him whole like lethe itself. he will feel the animal that hides in his skin.

this was his first attempt to come to an end. 

it is not his last.

[fcxljongsuk]

〖 just kill me now ; hyuna+jongsuk 〗

[fcxhyuna]

a few hours ago hyuna was sitting comfortably in her apartment, lounging on her sofa. that was, until she received a phone call from the most ridiculous of clients. the man was hoping hyuna would assist him in killing a deer and bringing it to him. and she would have refused, as she initially told the man over the phone, seeing how it was a gross misuse of her abilities, if he hadn’t intended to pay such a hefty fund.

so an hour ago, hyuna was wandering around the forest, claws out, using her heightened sense of smell to track the elusive buck. this type of work was completely out of her element and it showed. she had little idea what she was doing in this particular killing spree, but she would complete her task. suddenly, she picked up on the scent. silently, trying her best not to rustle the freshly fallen leaves to attract the attention of the wild things around her, hyuna moved along the scent trail. it didn’t take long for her to find it, eating some grass in a clearing. ducking behind a tree, she took aim with one of her claws, ready to shoot it straight through the skull of the deer when something spooked it, sending it running.

and hyuna was off running after it too. moving swiftly, she took little care to be so quiet. but before long she realized that maybe she should have. the scent of some kind of beast hit her, though no noise came from him. his scent and that of the deer’s were so closely intertwined that she veered towards him, knowing that she would most likely need to kill some other creature before she could get to her real prey.

slowly a lake came into view, but no large animal. only a man. and he was running towards her too. it was his scent she had picked up and when they collided, she knew why. his eyes were completely black and he lay on top of her, pinning her down. he covered her face in his disgusting saliva as a growl resonated in the back of her throat. he hot breath beat down on her face, but for a moment, his grip loosened. she didn’t have time to question why, she just aimed a strong kicked into his stomach, sending him over her head and off of her. she rolled to her feet, spun around and aimed one of her claws at him. he was fast, seeing how he was already on his feet too, and she hadn’t anticipated that in her blind aiming. her claw went through his leg. not what she was hoping for, but it gave her enough of a start to run at him, claws out.

she should have used her opportunity to run, to chase her prey, but killing men was more fun. especially those who attack her.

[fcxljongsuk]

the female seemed small, but she definitely wasn't lacking in any strength. a kick to the stomach and jongsuk was sent into the air with a sharp pain that had a guttural sound escaping his lips, a loud roar that resounded in the air like an earthquake. he quickly regained his footing, but the female had thrown some sharp object that lodged itself into his calf.

it'd been a while since the monster had killed thanks to the boy getting in the way with all his fancy delusions about death -- a stupid error that only humans could make -- and the monster started to crave the smell of blood. gold flecks shone in his eyes and the monster smirked slightly, showing off the sharp teeth that had one goal: incapacitate the human-cat abomination and send her into the darkness. the weak little boy rested in the back of the monster's brain, somewhere where he couldn't start posing any dumb questions about humanity like he usually did or berate the monster for harming a girl. he was so far gone that the boy wouldn't remember anything when he woke, and the monster was free to spill as much blood as he pleased.

 a bad feeling of darkness loomed over the monster, settling through his chest and pumping into his bloodstream -- he won't let himself be distracted anymore. human or cat, this girl was going to get the worst of him. 

the feral beast stared at the feline, not willing to give her any more chances. she was sickeningly small for a being of her strength, but he was willing to bet that he was stronger still. he ran and took hold of her by the shoulders, pushed her up against a tree, and got close to her face. a low growl escaped from his chest as he restrained her, wondering which spot he should bite first. 

a simple kill is best, he thought to himself. he locked his eyes on her main artery and shot quick smirk at the girl before lunging towards her neck--

[fcxljongsuk]

〖 landscapes 〗

[` his first time roaming the streets of busan alone, and he's already lost within the first five minutes. he doesn't even have a phone, or anyone's number. jongsuk touches the back of his neck, wondering how he's going to get back in time tonight  ] dumbass [ he whispers the word to himself, a crease on his forehead. it's only a few minutes later that he begins to calm down, rationalizing that he'd listen out for any clues and find his way one way or another. it wouldn't make any difference if he worked himself up for nothing. instead, he looks over the food stalls with longing eyes, realizes he doesn't have any money and ends up at a stall somewhere looking at paintings. there's one that refuses to loosen it's grip on his attention. a landscape picture of ruins, the sun either setting or rising in the background. it raises a question in jongsuk's mind about humanity or something, and there's a sentimentality that ends up overwhelming him. the lady who seems to be the owner of the stall is over there, he could easily go over and ask her abo-- but jongsuk throws away the thought before he can finish it. the question still has possibility of good before the answer is said, and he is determined to keep it that way ]

[fcxljongsuk]

[ tracker ]

owe posts to hyuna, yuri, taehyung, jinri;

waiting on posts from krystal, jiwon, jinri, calypso, ktaro, dara; 

waiting on ask replies from ravi, tai, kai, bar, sehun, jay, jaybeom; 

working on [ age 19: the first attempt ; self para ]

pretty sure im missing a couple of people, but i've answered everything, so if you're not on here and got no reply tumblr was hungray -- ayy but literally jongsuck is always open for plots soyea hit me up hoes

[fcxcalypso-deactivated20141109]

deja vu `jongsuk

[fcxcalypso-deactivated20141109]

she hadn’t exactly meant to stare. or at least, she didn’t really want to be so obvious about it. it was embarrassing, when he looked back at her and their eyes met. her face turned bright red as she slowly turned her gaze away, staring stiffly ahead. she tried to pretend as if it didn’t happen so she could feel less uncomfortable in her own head. but her thoughts were ever drawn to his face as they raced to connect to something. a name, a place, anything.

calypso found herself throwing furtive glances towards him barely a minute after she turned away.

‘what does it matter at this point he already caught you, just stare’ she thought to herself, before turning her face back towards him to see he offered her a gentle smile before closing his eyes again. he didn’t see it, but she smiled back, feeling less idiotic knowing that he didn’t mind all too much.

then an awful thought struck her.

he clearly didn’t have the same feeling of déjà vu that she did when she looked at him. and if he didn’t recognize her, and thought she was just staring…

he probably thought calypso was interested in him. and she couldn’t say she was wholly comfortable with someone thinking this. she resigned herself to approach him after class and make the reason behind her watchful eyes very clear. she squinted slightly as she fixated on him, wondering if knowing his name would trigger any memories.

the whole class period went by this way, calypso not hearing a single thing the instructor had said. but, seeing how she typically skipped anyway, she wasn’t too concerned. she quickly packed up her bag, before glancing up to see where the boy had gone. a moment of panic hit her when she didn’t see him immediately before realizing he hadn’t even moved.

she cleared her throat a bit, hesitantly reaching out her hand. she knew sometimes people in this country were weird about physical contact between the opposite sex in ways calypso was not raised to understand. but all the same, she gentle tapping her index finger on his closest arm to garner his attention.

“i’m s-sorry,” she stuttered, “i know my stares were probably…” she paused as she searched for the right word, “annoying? you just look very similar… no, familiar? your face… i feel like i should know it?”

[fcxljongsuk]

he could hear her heartbeat start to move in a nervous rhythm, feel her eyes still watching him. the space between their two desks slowly started to feel like they were inching together like quicksand ground was swallowing whatever bit of privacy jongsuk had in the back of the classroom. it wasn't like jongsuk was annoyed, or, rather, was about to let himself get annoyed, but how interesting was his face for this girl to be constantly looking over?

okay, that was sort of mean of him to think in that way, but this girl wasn't letting him nap in peace. the flush of blood to her cheeks made him feel guilty, though, so when the teacher had finished with the lesson and jongsuk could hear the shuffling of desks and bags, the smell of teenage mutant flying around the hot air, he kept his head glued to his desk so the girl could make her escape.

only it seemed she didn't want to go through with his plans. well, at least she wasn't a telepath that had been staring at him because of some horrible memory she'd seen in the corner of jongsuk's brain that the monster had been withholding.

a light finger on his shoulder sent a shock running through him -- contact with strangers had never been his forte, especially since his mutation showed up. nevertheless, he didn't show hints of surprise as he slowly opened his eyes to the small girl in front of him who seemed to be gathering her strength in a way that jongsuk could somewhat admire. growing up the kid who looked after himself, jongsuk mistook his introverted loner tendencies for independence and never fully gained the skill of talking to strangers.

“i’m s-sorry,” she stuttered, “i know my stares were probably…” she paused as she searched for the right word, “annoying? you just look very similar… no, familiar? your face… i feel like i should know it?”

he blinked at her, brow only slightly raised so as to not let her on to his complete surprise at the topic of conversation. the notion that they'd known each other was ridiculous in itself, but her voice held so much sincerity that jongsuk willed himself to sit up and examine her features for hints of anything familiar, but the certainty that they hadn't known each other wasn't simply because his memory was bad. the past few years were spent with animals and one other person for the latter few months, but solitude had always been in his bones since he woke up in that hospital a decade ago.

giving her another quasi smile and a small chuckle, he managed to tell her, "not unless you've been living in the forests for the past couple of years, unfortunately." 

[fcxljongsuk]

ehey i gots myself an aim so if u wanna plot with jongsucky on there pls hit me up (vitamin_sea)

[fcxljongsuk]

[ tracker ]

waiting on posts from hyuna, krystal, jiwon, calypso ; 

waiting on plot replies from ktaro, ravi, dara, jinri, tae, kai, bar, sehun, jay ;

ehey jongsuck is still open for some plottin' so click the lil heart or here and we can do the thing

[fcxljongsuk]

fcxpsylocke liked your post: in love with a girl (12 hrs)

[ in the back of his mind, jongsuk recognizes this as a problem. he doesn't know this girl, so why is his heart beating like it's sole purpose is beating for her? this must be evolution play tricks on his hormones, must be some sort of trick because his body is tired and he's been rubbing his eyes because of it all day. maybe his vision has gone wrong and he's seeing angels.

but one more look, and jongsuk is convinced that this girl is an angel, or otherwise a mutant who's got some kind of pheromone trick that's giving him delusions, but he doesn't care. this is the first time he's felt this good since he's gotten here, and he doesn't want to battle it away. this is something the monster can't take away from him, and he smiles inwardly.

his eyes follow the girl as she sits down on a bench outside, and he ultimately wonders how to approach her in a way that seems natural -- just sit down and say hi? make small talk? it's a beat too long before he realizes that he's staring at her like a stalker, or worse -- a lovesick puppy. ]