Existing.

Mel | 26 | struggling through grad school, depression, and an ed | ed blog: winteranagirl 🍃

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TW: suicide

Started a new job. Finally got some coworkers to open up and basically me starting this job seriously fucked them over and Jesus the tension is so strong. They claim its not anger with me, but with our boss. But obviously it's still my fault.

Also this friend is high key suicidal and holy shit i was not prepared for 1) this pressure, and 2) this trigger. What the fuck. This was supposed to be an exciting future. Not a forceful thrust back into my fuckrd up past.

[feather-and-dust]

i will not play sims, i will work on my dissertation. i will not play sims, i will work on my dissertation. i will not play sims, i will work on my dissertation. i will not play sims, i will work on my dissertation. i will not play sims, i will work on my dissertation. i will not play sims, i will work on my dissertation. i will not play sims, i will work on my dissertation. i will not play sims, i will work on my dissertation. i will not play sims, i will work on my dissertation. i will not play sims, i will work on my dissertation. i will not play sims, i will work on my dissertation. i will not play sims, i will work on my dissertation.

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:) :( :)

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Hardcore panicking. I just told my boyfriend (of ~6 months) about my self harm (the scars are fairly descreet and he thought they were a surgery scar.)

He did NOT take it well... And I'm panicking so hard that he can't deal with it. He told me he's in shock and he'll have a better answer as to how he's doing tomorrow 😭.

What if it's too much? What if he can't handle it? What if he leaves me? I've been clean for 15 months, but what if it's not enough?

How am I going to make it until tomorrow without knowing how he's feeling? This is too much.

[feather-and-dust]

Update: he texted me what our plans are for tomorrow, but hasn't said a thing about the sh convo or responded about my question of "are you doing okay?". But he's at least responded? I dunno I'm still hardcore panicking and I'm not sure what kind of sleep in going to get tonight...

[feather-and-dust]

So update a week or two later:

We're okay. He's really disturbed I think. He just doesn't get it. But that's okay, I don't need him to get it. I don't expect him to get it. But I need him to accept that it's part of my past and that I'm still the same person he knew. And I'm not sure he's getting past it.

So whatever, it's fine. But here's the issue. There's more. He knows about the self harm, but he doesn't know about the eating disorder or the rape/assaults. And I just. I'm afraid I can't tell him about those, because this was already too much for him. If he can't handle one major issue, there's no way he'll be okay with me if I tell him about the other two. I'll let him be for now. But he wants to read some of my poems, which is fine with me. But most of the poems that really discuss my reasons or thoughts behind the self harm also mention at least one of the other things. So I'm afraid I have to at least tell him about the eating disorder. I'm just so afraid he won't be able to take it.

Oh, such constant stress and worries....

[feather-and-dust]

Hardcore panicking. I just told my boyfriend (of ~6 months) about my self harm (the scars are fairly descreet and he thought they were a surgery scar.)

He did NOT take it well... And I'm panicking so hard that he can't deal with it. He told me he's in shock and he'll have a better answer as to how he's doing tomorrow 😭.

What if it's too much? What if he can't handle it? What if he leaves me? I've been clean for 15 months, but what if it's not enough?

How am I going to make it until tomorrow without knowing how he's feeling? This is too much.

[feather-and-dust]

Update: he texted me what our plans are for tomorrow, but hasn't said a thing about the sh convo or responded about my question of "are you doing okay?". But he's at least responded? I dunno I'm still hardcore panicking and I'm not sure what kind of sleep in going to get tonight...