#whyididntreport
Itâs been YEARS since Iâve posted here. I donât know who follows me, I donât know if anyone still gets on here.
What I do know is this is a safe place. One where I can share my story and not have to worry about many of those I know seeing it.
Iâve seen so many stories under the #whyididntreport hashtag. Itâs brought up a lot for me.
I was 18 when I lost my virginity. A boy I thought was cute was giving me attention at a party. We had a lot of the same friends. We were hitting it off. We disappeared from the crowd to kiss. That was fine with me. He asked if I wanted to have sex. I didnât want to lose my virginity that night. He didnât believe me when I said I was one. He asked again. I said I was on my period in hopes that would deter him too. I wasnât lying. He insisted again. And again. Until finally we hit time number twelve or so. I got tired of saying no. Convincing isnât consent. I didnât want to have sex, but I felt like I couldnât get away, and that was my only option. Have sex and you can get out.
He snickered when we were done and had the audacity to ask me if I âreally was a virgin.â
I was. I tried to think nothing of it. But thatâs not how I expected my first time to go.
I remember he understood the gravity of the situation shortly after then. He was suddenly worried that I would say something bad to someone. That I could call rape because he had to insist so many times. Thatâs right, insist. âDo you want to?â became âit will be fine, it wonât hurt, it will be quick.â My definition of consent doesnât fall under his guidelines.
I never said anything. I didnât report because I didnât feel like I could. I felt just as at fault for saying yes.
Iâm 26 now. Heâs in law school miles away. We havenât talked since that night. I still look back at that moment in disgust. Iâm not proud and I still feel partially to blame. I wonât forget that night, and I wonât stop fighting for the women who have been sexually assaulted. There are people with stories far worse than this. Mine doesnât scratch the surface. Stay strong, girls. Keep letting your voices be known.
