Feed The Turtle

Running out of Dining Points Since 2012

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Ahhh....this seems so relevant somehow....

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There are three stages of south campus stir fry.

1) Anticipation. You’ve come all the way to south campus diner, and you can taste the food already. The line is long, but you will persevere.

2) Excitement. You can put as much meat as you want on this stir fry. Meat meat meaty McMeat meat. You are deprived of every facet of self-control.

3) Dismay. You just paid 14 dollars for this crappy diner food. What is wrong with you? You just paid over forty cents an ounce for rice.

            Then you actually eat the stir fry. What you get from it really depends on what you put on it. I recommend loading up on ginger and basil—otherwise you’ll have to rely on odd goopy sauces for flavor. Here, I have a chicken and shrimp stir fry with Schezwan sauce. The biggest problem with this dish is the meat. This is disastrous because you just put way too much meat in your stir fry bowl, as is only natural under the three stages of south campus stir fry. The shrimp is undercooked—flaccidly its pale form flops into your mouth. Some of the shrimp isn’t deveined, and grit fills your mouth. The chicken is bad in a different way. Tough, chewy, and flavorless, the only way to save it is to lather it with one of the weird goopy sauces. It’s a lose-lose situation.

            Here at UMCP, people give the stir fry way more credit than it’s due. It’s probably not the worst thing you’ll ever eat here, but it is absolutely not worth the 30 minute wait students endure to get it. Seasons 12 is like a venus fly trap. It lures unsuspecting students with the promise of fresh Asian cuisine, and then snares them in the mire of crappy undercooked seafood. Don’t be fooled, reader. Stay away, and you’ll be a happier person.

The Good:

Basil and ginger are choices for your stir fry

Meat meat meaty mcmeat meat

The bad:

Meat meat meaty mcmeat meat actually kind of sucks

Hella expensive

You pay as much for rice as you do for meat because they charge you by weight

Overall: C+

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This meal is the ultimate metaphor for apathy. There is nothing about this that motivates me. The monotony of flavor and texture are an endless expanse of nothingness. The rice has distinct grains, I guess. That’s a plus. The vegetables are frozen and the flavor has been cooked out of them. They taste kind of like water mixed with fiber. The only substantial flavor comes from the meat sauce. It tastes like salt.

I guess this can’t be considered “bad,” but that’s because it tastes like nothing. This is a nihilist meal if one ever existed.

The Good:

You eat it, and then you forget what happened.

The Bad:

Flavor doesn't matter

Overall: Grades are meaningless constructs of the social order. C.

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Super secret snack saturday*

So today we’re going to be taking a bit of a different look at food here at feedtheturtle. In this super secret snack saturday*, I’ll share with you what is perhaps one of the most cost-effective snacking options that I’ve come across here at College Park.

I’m a big fan of hummus and anything that goes along with hummus. Naturally, when I saw these Sabra pretzel / hummus combo things at Incon I was pretty excited, and I bought them.

Problem is—these things are kind of expensive. Relatively speaking, you don’t get that much food for about 3 dollars. The College Park empire has us under its thumb. It crushes us with the weight of overpriced snacks!

I discovered that you could buy all of this for about seven dollars:

It’s a one pound bag of pretzels, plus an entire tub of hummus for under 7 dollars! Which admittedly is still way more than you’d pay at a grocery store. But still it’s way cheaper than most of the stuff at this university. It tastes pretty similar too. It’s true that the pretzels in the one pound bag don’t necessarily have the same texture as the pretzel chips, but once you’re eating you don’t notice too much of a difference.

It's quite obvious when you perform the utilitarian calculus that purchasing in bulk is the way to go here, folks. This is probably the best deal you can get at incon.

Super Secret Snack Saturday cost efficiency ratings:

Cost effectiveness if this was anywhere normal: C Cost effectiveness at UMD: A+++++

*no guarantee this feature will actually get written every saturday

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Have you ever had a frozen chimichanga? Like one of these?

Then you’ve had the Moroccan flatbread sandwich from Cool Beans—the new food type place by 251 that’s only open during weird hours.

So first off, this thing tastes exactly like a frozen chimichanga to me, and I don’t know why. That can be either a good thing or a bad thing for you. But this Panini tastes as Moroccan as a giant pile of food that isn’t from Morocco.

The texture, however, is surprisingly nice. Cool Beans has these nice Panini makers that really make the sandwich appropriately crispy. In fact, the Panini maker might fool you into thinking this is really a quality sandwich. Don’t be fooled though. They’re still using the same low quality ingredients that you find in sandwiches from 251. You can figure this out pretty easily if you take a look at the sandwich before it actually goes through the Panini press. The bread is not nearly dense enough, and the meat filling is pretty much equal to anything else you’d find on campus (ergo: not very good). So ultimately, the sandwich is pretty good, albeit on a very superficial level.

Think of this analogy: a glop of dough wrapped around a hotdog doesn’t sound very appealing. However, when you deep fry the glop/dog amalgam, it suddenly becomes quite good—it’s a corndog! In much the same way, the sandwiches here would be utterly worthless if they didn’t go through the Panini press. I just wish you got a bit more quality for the 6-7 dollars you spend on the sandwiches.

It’s worth waiting from 9pm – 3am on weekends to get this because:

As far as I know, no one else will put your sandwich through a press like this

Don’t bother and stay in your dorm because:

You don’t like the taste of chimichanga

You’re looking for a sandwich that is fulfilling on multiple levels

Overall: B

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Oh Adele, Adele, Adele. You’re killing me here. What’s going on? I expected better from you.

Here’s the story. Some of my friends decided to let me tag along with them to Adele’s with the expectation of me reviewing the food. One of my friends decided to get the “Jambalaya.” She’s vegetarian though, so there wasn’t any chicken or shrimp in it, as per the menu.

First of all, why is this served over fettuccini? It actually doesn’t make any sense at all. Rice is where it’s at (This might be my Asian half shining through here). In fact, it seems like everything at Adele’s is served over fettuccini. The Thai chicken pasta, Chesapeake Alfredo, Cajun Jambalaya, Bristo Shrimp—all served over fettuccini. You’re charging us fifteen to nineteen dollars for this stuff. It wouldn’t kill you guys to get a different box of Barilla.

Anyway, you can just look at this and tell it isn’t great. The vegetables are chopped up in great big pieces without contributing anything whatsoever to the dish. The tofu is passable, but just barely. The sauce literally tastes like anything anyone could have made by dumping a can of tomato sauce in with some random spices. Is there anything positive I have to say about the dish? At seventeen dollars, I’m just glad that I didn’t pay for it.

The good:

What?

The bad:

Most things about this

The Ugly: C-

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            Allow me to start out – I was surprised at how good this was. As a quick caveat, take this positive review with a grain of salt. The ingredients are not always consistent. I had chili the other day and it was frankly quite awful compared to what I had here.

            With that out of the way, let’s see what we have today.

            First of all, there’s a seafood gumbo. The gumbo was decent, but honestly the worst part of the meal. It is bland, and I found one piece of sausage and one shrimp total in my bowl. That was disappointing. On the other hand, it’s nice to see “diner exotic” ingredients like okra. Overall, not too bad—I would eat it again.

            The chili was actually quite good. It was meaty and came with an appropriate number of beans. It’s surprisingly bold, and it picked up the slack from the seafood gumbo.

            The salad was the most interesting part. There is a pear, feta cheese, bacon bits, and olive oil vinaigrette dressing. I got lucky at the diner that day, because the pear was actually ripe. Usually, diner pears could pass as apples, texture-wise. This pear was soft and juicy. Feta cheese is something that not enough people get at the diner. You have to pay extra for it, but it is far superior to the generic grated cheddar the salad bar has. Pear / feta synergy can feel beyond the scope of most diner meals, but if you know where to look, you can find these relatively-premium-ish ingredients.

            The soup and the salad really worked together. The chili and the gumbo had a deep savory flavor, which was nicely counterbalanced by the acidity of the salad.

This dish is almost there because

Seafood gumbo isn’t quite there. Needs more protein / flavor

Can’t always guarantee the consistency of this dish

This dish is one of the best I’ve had in a while because

Relatively-premium-ish ingredients.

Flavors unexpected at the diner

Nice contrast in flavor landscape

Only cost $5.50 (!) I guess it depends on how much you get though....

Overall: A-

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            This is the blandest meal offered at the diner. Everything tasted exactly the same. That rice is actually gumbo, but the sausage doesn’t even register. What you see on the cauliflower is cheese. If was blindfolded, I wouldn’t have been able to discern the layer of Kraft singles on top of the vegetables. (Seriously guys, what were you thinking here? Please don’t ever do this again. I know where you live.) The fish, while pleasantly textured, had a one dimensional appeal—it was salty.

            I don’t really have much to say about this meal. When you’ve eaten at the diner for long enough, you start getting bored. Nothing could be more boring than this. At least make the tex-mex pot pie again so we have something interesting to complain about.

This dish is boring because

It all tastes the same

This dish tries its best because

Hey at least they tried something different with the cauliflower! Too bad it was a dumb idea.

At least we couldn’t really tell how dumb the cauliflower was by tasting it.

Well, unless you really dislike overcooked cauliflower

No one should find it offensive.

Overall Rating: C

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Check out this letter one of my friends wrote, it ran in the Diamondback last friday! I agree with many of the points made.

http://www.diamondbackonline.com/opinion/article_51221264-f89e-11e1-ae62-0019bb30f31a.html#user-comment-area

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            Tonight: Chicken cordon bleu. It isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever had at the North Campus diner. We’ll start out with the bad.

            Worst: Broccoli. Man, just take a look at that broccoli. You don’t need me to tell you that it’s pretty terrible. It’s overcooked, very much so. This is a general trend I’ve noticed at UMD—you can always count on diner / 251 food to be overcooked. I understand the school doesn’t want people to get food poisoning and die a horrible bowel-related death, but I don’t think broccoli is going to kill anyone if it’s cooked less. I could make a joke about flaccid broccoli or something, but I won’t.

            Middle of the road: chicken cordon bleu. OK, this actually isn’t terrible. The flavor works just like you would expect it to. It won’t blow your mind, but it’s serviceable. It isn’t perfect, of course. I wish the chicken would have a crispier exterior. The ham feels a bit too much like lunch meat for my taste.

            Most successful: scalloped potatoes. The texture is uniform, the cheese tastes alright—I can’t find too much to complain about.

            The better parts of this mixed bag:

Scalloped potatoes aren’t bad

Two types of meat! Yes!

            The worse parts:

Man dat broccoli.

Overall Rating:B

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   Hello College Park! It’s good to be back after a summer long hiatus, and I’m excited to bring you the first review of the 2012-2013 school year.

   Today, I’ll be reviewing potato wedges from one of my favorite places—Dencon. These potato wedges come from the same hotbox as the Deli Express XXL Char Broiled Beef Patty. This dish however, was not nearly as frightening as said burger.

   Texture is important to the quality of a dish, and I was disappointed to find inconsistencies in the texture here. The most grievous offense is the lack of a crispy outer shell. Like a wilted flower dying of thirst and oppressed under a summer sun, you can almost see the former glory of these potato wedges. The hotbox, with its glaring lamps and high humidity, has deprived the potato wedge of its beauty. Where once a satisfying shell of grease surrounded cheap starch, these potato wedges were entirely flaccid. As such, they were entirely unsatisfying. The wedges were also undercooked. What a shame.

    Flavor is important. These potato wedges didn’t taste like anything. They had a spicy aftertaste, but no duringtaste. I suppose if you enjoy eating unflavored starch, these wedges would be satisfactory.

   That isn’t to say these things were totally terrible, though. A nice packet of ketchup lent the wedges familiarity. A student feels comfortable in a dingy dorm room as long as it’s his dingy dorm room. Everyone knows what ketchup is like.

This dish is alright because:

It’s familiar

Cheap (if anything at dencon can be considered cheap) calories

This dish needs work because:

The texture leaves a lot to be desired

Where’s the flavor?

Overall Rating: C-

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     Hello internet, it's been a long while. Since I'm not at UMCP for the summer, its hard to review food there. Instead, I'll be looking at confections from the next best place--University of Maryland, Baltimore. I'm working there this summer, and my hope is that its foodstuffs will provide excellent fodder for review.

     This wonderful piece of sausage-bagel engineering came from the hospital cafeteria at UMB. The bagel itself is comparable to the ones they have at CP. The texture overall is a bit dry and the carbohydrate density is close to what people have come to expect from this breakfast staple. The bagel is serviceable--nothing more, nothing less.

     On the other hand, the sausage patty is entirely disappointing. Astute readers can discern this merely by glancing at the picture. The patty itself does a poor job covering the bagel, meaning consistency of flavor is not maintained as you eat through the sandwich itself. The flavor of the patty is mediocre at best. Imagine someone took a kitchen sponge, soaked it in water, shrunk it down to patty size, and covered it in MSG before handing it to you. That is about as profound as a flavor you will find from this sausage patty.

      When you add the two elements of patty and bagel together, however, something just clicks. It's not enough to make this dish great, but it is enough to make it moderately enjoyable.

This Dish is Alright Because

Two flavors that don't necessarily succeed on their own work well together

Toasty toasty bagels are tasty, at least moderately

You are eating meat-products for breakfast

This Dish is Sub Par Because

Look at the size of that patty! It's tiny!

Ingredients are weak individually

Overall Rating: B

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School's out!

Don't worry, Feedtheturtle will have exciting new features and reviews, coming to you soon.

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So this isn't UMD food per se, but instead it is a choice culinary creation that one often concocts amid the cacophony of dorm life. This is a Oreo with peanut butter in the middle. The homemade Oreo with peanut butter cookie is superior to the store bought variety primarily because of the smooth texture that the real peanut butter provides. Normally, peanut butter snacks have a crumbly type texture that gums the inside of your moth--there isn't any of that here.

This dish is super because:

It has real peanut butter in it

Combines familiar elements that engender culinary delight

This dish is sub par because:

You still might feel the need to cleanse your palate in between servings

Overall Rating: B+

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       Oh God....oh God....what did I just do to myself? I think I am going to die. They say that college will lower your food standards...but what has it come to?

       It's finals week, 10:30 pm. I haven't had dinner yet. Of course the dining hall would close at seven the Friday night before finals--you don't need to eat when you're studying, obviously.

       I want something savory, and head over to the 24 shop. I could have dipped into my ramen supply, but no. I had to have something with MEAT in it. My stomach craved the blood of innocent animals. So I went to the heated box thing that you find at gas stations. All the way in the back, I saw this monstrosity. The Deli Express XXL Char Broiled Beef Patty with Cheese Sandwich. I had to have it. It had beef in it.

        Against my better judgement and against all prevailing laws of sanity, I purchased the Deli Express XXL Char Broiled Beef Patty with Cheese Sandwich. At first bite, it wasn't too bad. Pretty comparable to the dining hall cheeseburgers. The beef patty had a nice thickness to it, and it had a very beef-like flavor. Not too shabby, I had to say.

        But as I continued to eat, I started to think. And as I started to think, I started to fear for my bowels. I told myself that I was too young to die. But I finished the sandwich anyway. Then had an Oreo brownie.

This dish is bearable because

Kind of tastes like beef

has cheese

Is available at 10:30 on a Friday Night

This dish is the spawn of satan because

Just look at that thing

What other dish makes you want to die?

Is terrible for you

Scares children

Scares adults

Comes in a weird package

"Can't believe I just ate that entire thing" factor

Overall Rating: D

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      251 North. At the beginning of the semester, it offered reprieve from the North Campus Diner. Its food was better than at the diner, and you could eat as much of it as you wanted. "Everyone is happy at 251," so the saying went. Of course, all good things must come to an end, and eventually 251 North's appeal wore off.

      They've been shaking things up here and there at 251--making new dishes here and there. The Asian food section has been updated and a Mexican food station has been added. Another thing that has been added is this kind of pastry station. All the pastries they make here are essentially the same, but they differ in their fillings. Sometimes it's savory, sometimes it's sweet--whatever they feel like making at the time.

      So here we have the apple strudel. Honestly, I wasn't that impressed with this particular dish. The taste of the pastry is not what you would expect from an apple-based dish. You expect a sweet flavor when you first bite into the pastry, but it kind of comes off as almost mushroom-flavored (?).

This dish is good because

Well, I can't really come up with too many good reasons. 

It doesn't taste terrible, I guess.

This dish sucks because

Weird initial taste. First impressions are everything, guys.

Lack of actual apple. There was like one slice in this thing.

It looks weird I guess.

Overall Rating: C-

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It's Feed the Turtle!

A blog about food at the University of Maryland. Which for the most part, is somewhat questionable. Follow me, and I you will be able to read "expert" opinion on the UMD dining experience.

If you want to give me your spare dining points, please do.