Okay, maybe I'm crying

Just posting my thoughts and prayers here for the gods to read and ignore. Jk, I'm just posting my shitty poetry :)

[feeling---grey]

Titles of poetry I'll never write

Do you hate me yet?

The most boring colour (grey)

Rainy nights

Raindrops in my hands

(Everything is) breaking apart

Hollywood smile

Believe the beautiful lie

I'm a liar so thank me

Killing me slowly

Broken mirror

Failure. Risk or result?

Favorite childhood story

Break me, then smile

I wish you'd hate me

Makes it so hard to hate you

Bring the sun back for you

Liar, liar. Playing with fire

I'm sorry, so don't forgive me

Please scream

Painful lies to comfort you

I told you so, but you said you loved me

[feeling---grey]

And suddenly every sad song was about us.

[feeling---grey]

Please don't forgive me

I feel so scared

I just want to be held, please hold me tight

My thoughts are running wild tonight

I don't want to be alone

I'm terrified of you leaving

The demons drag me down, while I refuse screaming

Maybe I want this? I don't know

I can't read your signals, but you totally hate me

Maybe if I give into the pain, I'll finally be free

Please leave me alone

It's all way too much

Your voice is so loud and I flinch at every touch

Please don't go away

I can't even breathe

But somehow I ask you to please fucking leave

I hate you so much

I scream at you with no shame

But we both know I should be screaming my own name

I just want comfort

Is that too much to ask?

Well I already took it so much in the past

I'm playing the victim

Because I can't see

Why people are hurt by poor me

Please don't forgive me

I'm begging you hun

Because I'll do it again, having so much fun

I don't mean to hurt you

I cry in despair

As I twist the knife because it's totally fair

You've taken your distance

I don't blame you

At least that's what I say, but it isn't true

I know it's my fault

I whisper when you're gone

Only now realizing how much I did wrong

I'm sorry, sorry sorry

But too late, way, way, way too late

You're already hurt, that's the worst I could do

I only wanted it to affect me, not you

I'm sorry, please don't forgive me

[feeling---grey]

Mirror

Do something else than stare off into space

It's just another challenge that you're supposed to face

Don't be so lazy all the time

It should really be a crime

Why aren't you happy when you should?

Why don't you cry when others would?

Do you even feel, or is it just a game?

People care about you, and that's a shame

You suck up their kindness

Exploit their blindness

Maybe I should step back from the mirror

It really hurts to see everything clearer.

[feeling---grey]

Ruin it all

I want to just break it all apart.

How about I yell at you, for a start?

Maybe if you really fear me, you'll finally hear me.

I just want to scream it in your face,

That "You don't have to tell me-

I know that I'm a disgrace."

If you want me to stay away,

Then give me some fucking space.

It's not like you ever told me,

But I know you got tired of having to hold me.

I'm just so fucking afraid of being lonely,

But I probably should be,

So I don't ruin it all. Again and again.

Again. Again. Again

[feeling---grey]

Raindrops in my hands

I lost control, of the only thing I thought, I knew. It all ran out so quickly, I almost didn't notice.

The water droplets were falling, but I mistook them for my tears. And so I didn't catch them, because I thought they were the pain, I collected through all these years.

They all ran out so quickly, now there's no going back. I'm thirsting, but it's on me, because I let my own water run free. I can't complain, because I was the one to make the mistake.

I just wish I could drown, because this hurts even worse. I tried drinking my tears, but it doesn't help my thirst. Don't bother offering me water because I'd rather die.

Just please, God, let me drown, just one more night.

[feeling---grey]

Fallen angels

A moment of silence

For the ones who have fallen

The ones who tried so hard

But to the dark side were called

The ones for only their bad deeds remembered

Oh what a shame

For when the darkness is calling

You give it your name

[feeling---grey]

I'm addicted to people.

'Cause I have nothing in myself

I shouldn't exist for the sake of everyone else.

What I wouldn't do for attention.

It's pathetic, selfish, scary even.

Oh you care about me?

I'm so sorry. How can I change your mind?

You see I don't deserve it, I really don't.

I shouldn't get it, because it's all that I want.

People say they like me here,

But I know I should disappear.

I don't though, 'cause I'm scared of being lonely.

I guess even now, I think of me only.

[feeling---grey]

I've become an empty shell

Trying to survive this hell

I've lost so much of me

I hold on to everyone else desperately

I know that it hurts, I realise the danger

But I like the pain that makes me a stranger

[feeling---grey]

Demons at my door

I made a mistake or maybe more.

Now all the demons are knocking on my door.

I locked it, hid the key.

But what if I open it? Maybe they'll help

Fixing this mess I brought on myself.

I'm tempted to open the door, I look for the key.

All the demons cheer, they just want to run free.

I go to turn the lock, but then I stop.

What if they'll hurt others than me? I can't set them free.

"We can be invisible." They whisper in my ear, and in that moment my direction is clear.

I open the door, I let them in.

Who cares if it hurts me, that isn't a sin.

[feeling---grey]