Casa de la fancy butts

My name is Jessica, 22 years old, she/her, pan, infp, hufflepuff. Happily in a relationship! 

[twocubes]

what if you combined a pressure cooker and a deep fryer and made a pressure fryer, the most dangerous kitchen implement in history

[baedlyweathered]

does this imply you want to heat cooking oil to past its boiling point at one atmosphere

[iatrophilosophos]

Its real and its called a broaster.

[garaged0g]

*grabs america by the shoulders* we have got to lock the fuck in. south asia and the middle east are running goddamn circles around us. we have got to come up with a more dangerous way of cooking food now or we can kiss these quarter finals goodbye

[its-grape-juice-i-swear]

listen coach, im deep frying frozen turkeys as fast as i can!

[artyypartyy]

’kill them with kindness” WRONG. Rohirrim‼️🐴 🛡 ⚔️ 🐴⚔️🛡🐴🐴⚔️🛡🛡⚔️🐴⚔️⚔️⚔️🐴🛡🛡🐴🐴⚔️🐴🐴🐴⚔️🛡🛡⚔️🐴🐴🐴⚔️🛡🐴⚔️🛡🛡⚔️🐴

[goldensunset]

idk who needs to hear this but if you have been putting something off bc it doesn't need to be done until the end of the month. we are almost done with the teens we are approaching the big numbers (the twenties). that date shall dawn upon you swiftly and without mercy before you know it. psa for everyone except me i got plany off time

[victusinveritas]

[mrdarcysdadbod]

Okay i know i myself have made jokes on Mr Darcy hating to spend time with Mr. Collins but. I feel like of the two of them Darcy is probably significantly less annoyed than Lizzie by Collins simply bc 1) he never received The most obnoxious proposal in the world from him 2) the combination of Darcy's superior rank and his not being an Elegant Female puts him in a position to just tell Collins to stop talking and probably be thanked for the privilege. Darcy probably just lets him talk for five minutes and then is all "hm. I'd like to meditate on that in silence for a while. Very intriguing." And gets like an hour of peace

[mrdarcysdadbod]

Alternatively Lizzie is just openly blatantly rude to Collins and when he looks at Darcy like are you gonna control your wife?? Darcy just shrugs like. It's her house man I'm not the boss of her.

[hanna-writes]

Personal headcanon is that Darcy just keeps doing what he did the first time Collins approached him, aka suffers in silence for two minutes and then just turns around and leaves without a word, while Collins “feels that he has every reason to be pleased with their conversation”. Once Pemberley and Rosings are back on speaking terms, Lizzy discovers that she can do the same thing without Collins getting butthurt, bc she is after all the niece of Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Although tbh, Collins doesn’t bother Lizzy too much, bc even he finds it slightly embarrassing that he once told the future Mrs Darcy that she was never gonna get a better offer than himself. He probably ends up apologising to Mr Darcy for the presumption. “Your choice of wife is most fortuitous, and I would offer my humblest apologies that I once implied, or rather insinuated, that her marriage prospects were not … that she might not look forward to such elevation as she has now been granted in marrying such an esteemed personage as yourself.” Meanwhile Darcy is just standing there like “aPolOgIZe tO LiZZy, noT to mE”

[mrdarcysdadbod]

My own personal headcanons in addition to this are 1) that Collins finds Lizzie and Darcy's marriage DEEPLY suspicious and is bringing peak Weird Little Man energy to his attempts to investigate this mystery and find... Something. He doesn't know what, but something. Maybe Darcy is being blackmailed, or mind controlled. Who's to say. And 2) Darcy finds out about Collins's proposal FROM Collins, leading to a very "you said WHAT to my wife" "well she wasn't your wife at the time" "that is NOT the point sir" kind of exchange. At which point Darcy is no longer able to calmly zone out for the duration of their five minute interactions his chill is gone

[mrdarcysdadbod]

Also having just reread the last like 7 chapters of the book, Darcy fully stops talking to Lady Catherine for MONTHS bc of the way she wrote about Elizabeth i have no doubt that hearing Collins blithely recount his Extremely Impertinent Proposal would have Darcy on the verge of violence. Furthermore, given that Mr. Bennet likes to a. visit Pemberley when he's least expected and b. cause problems on purpose, obviously the way it goes down is that Mr. Bennet, imposing on Darcy's hospitality at the same time as Mr. Collins, casually brings up That Time Collins Almost Married Lizzy, encourages Collins as he digs his own grave recounting the proposal, and then sits back to enjoy the show.

[zombeesknees]

#OH MY GOD   #THE FALLOUT SHOW I NEVER KNEW I WANTED   #'Mr Collins is bothering Mr Darcy at the dining table... what is this?! MR BENNET IS COMING IN WITH A STEEL CHAIR!!!!'

[schweetheart]

@marshmallowmcgonagall​

[rosefinchie]

how it all feels lately

[silverrdagger]

whatever 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟

[cubejello]

I did my PhD in a fish lab, and one time I was emailing a fish company, and the guy emailed me back with the signature “Best fishes,” followed by these guys

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

it's healthy for academics to have professional feuds. enrichment activity

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Holy shit. "The demese ef the Ne'enderthels: Wes lengege a fecter?" published in the Science magazine

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

short but sweet

[gigglepuffpixie]

[meatmandean]

dean canonically being against the death sentence is so funny. local man whose job is literally killing living beings that are capable of complex thought and morality when they step out of line or even for merely existing is against the death penalty.

[frogarcana]

[homoeroticjunoincident]

the best thing a fictional man can be is having the worst time of his life

[sacred-portal]

[alttxt]

[ottermatopoeia]

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

[hotvampireadjacent]

[theunstoppablenightmare]

[rocketsaurus]

My friend sent me this and I'm.howling

[figuring-421]

🚨

HEADS UP: The U.S. Postal Service quietly changed how postmarks work.

Mail is no longer automatically postmarked with the date you drop it off. Instead, the postmark now reflects the date it’s first processed by an automated sorting facility — which can be days later.

If you mail something right at a deadline, the official postmark could be later than your drop-off date and may be considered late.

If mailing date matters to you, go inside the post office and request a hand-stamped postmark.

USPS postmark shake-up could cost you big — property tax payers warned of surprise late fees

A new USPS postmark rule may cause property tax payments to look late even when people mail them on time. The change can create surprise lat

This will invalidate votes too

[tam--lin]

Everyone needs three hobbies: one to give you carpel tunnel, one to leave you sore and bruised, and one for your distant relatives to insist you monetize

[parkayquarts]

mary shelley wrote a wholesome story about a young medical student trying to find his lost homunculus in the alps

[augustheart]

this tweet is ruining my life rn