When you’re a child, you chase your dreams because they are your heart’s desires, the sum of who you wish to be, a future you imagine for yourself. And they tell you to run after them, don’t they? Your friends turned cheerleaders, your all-knowing professors, your (un)supportive parents. You do as they say. You do as you are bid. But really, there’s a piece of you that doesn’t expect you to reach your goal, that thinks the day will never come when you have everything you have ever aspired for.
The day you find out that you never wanted that at all.
For Pansy, that newly fulfilled wish was power. She spent her life cultivating it where it sparked, creating it where it lacked and seizing it when it belonged to someone else. She never wanted to be anything as much as she wanted to be a certain type of someone. Truthfully, she never imagined a path beyond Hogwarts - or the steps she would take afterwards. The next logical one has a serpent tattoo and blood smeared all across it. It’s no ambition of hers.
There’s more than one type of power. There’s the raw physical power of Alecto Carrow or Bellatrix Lestrange - utterly demented, but certain in who they are. There’s the manipulative power of Narcissa Black - working a room or smoothing tensions with tender words. There’s the paper push power of Ministry employees, climbing up the ladder. Right now, Pansy isn’t sure if she wants any of them, but she can certainly favour some over others. And the first? Doesn’t cut it.
But that, like so much else, is kept secret, tightly locked away. Naturally, her peers assume others - believing she looks to the perverseness of the Carrows and aspires it for herself, a fervent desire of the Dark Lord. She’d kill to save herself, but she’d never kill for him. Or for any of them. Fei, remarkably, regrettably, is on the mark. But Pansy would rather drown herself before admitting so. Instead, she diverts.
Freed up as Fei backs down (Pansy knew she would be the one to blink first, so Gryffindor of her, all smoke and no fire), the slytherin creases her forehead, questioning the premise of Fei’s notion. “That assumes the war is still raging when we leave Hogwarts.” Pansy snickers, childish for her enemy. Ice can burn too you know. “I have a feeling it’ll be wrapped up far sooner than everyone thinks. Neatly. And with a bow.” Little does Fei know, that Draco doesn’t have the mark either. She searched for it, all of last year. It didn’t stop him from losing himself, but it didn’t cement his demise either. More confident, Pansy laughs. It isn’t a kind sound, rather a mockery of amusement. “It must kill you, being stuck in here, utterly useless.”
that assumes the war is still raging when we leave hogwarts...i have a feeling it’ll be wrapped up far sooner than everyone thinks. neatly. and with a bow. a part of fei wants to scream at pansy, voice loud until it’s not, hoarse and hurt but worth it all if she is able to get this point across : this war was NEVER going to end. not in their lifetime. and there was no finishing this neatly, there would be no bow tied on top ; blood and gore and carnage the inevitable conclusion to the nightmare their reality had become. blood purists were not going to die with voldemort, and with new posters plastered up in the corridors each morning, it is clear dumbledore’s army is not going anywhere either, even with him gone. and self control tastes bitter on her tongue but she bites down and ignores the taste of iron, doesn’t let pansy get another rise out of her.
red lips curl upward and she is smiling, a hint of something BURNING behind it. she has never been articulate, not in the way akira has always been, could never command a room with few words like him but there is a passion in her voice that is undeniable, the kind you can’t quite ignore. “ see ----- that’s it. i’m gonna get out, i’m gonna graduate and go one to fight my fight and maybe i’ll DIE on the battlefield or maybe i’ll die with grandkids by my side but either way ‘m gonna die happy. and you, love, you’re gonna die begging for mercy. don’t know from who ----- don’t know when, but that’s the difference between you and me, huh ? you’re afraid and i’m not. ”
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