i'm mal, a sexual protector for a CDD (complex dissociative disorder) system. though i am not currently medically recognized, i am in weekly therapy, on a journey with medication, and striving towards both system recovery and recovery from all the various things that tend to come along with systemhood (disordered eating, self-harm, complex trauma, etc)!
i and @anti-willo-kenma are in the same system, just so everyone knows! like his blog, this is also a sideblog so interactions come from our main account.
bodily, we are 23, white and latino, and transmasculine.
i, however, am a female alter. i only use she/her pronouns, and i often grapple with what i still hesitate to call dysphoria (though that is what my therapist named it as) due to our medical transition.
this blog will be a place for me to discuss all my big, complicated feelings!!
i'm very friendly and love to talk and make friends!
i'm changing my blog a bit to be more of a system journal of sorts ? i dunno , i'm gonna try it out . i'm also attempting to set up pluralspace but it'll take a while
if ur one of my moots from wayyy back , ily & feel free to stick around but rn @anti-willo-kenma & @fembydevotion r way more active than me !
a group of girls near me at this cafe were talking very loudly about hypersexuality and i'm having to sit at my table pretending like i didn't hear that
a topic that remains under-discussed in system spaces, despite the DSM-5-TR mentioning it, is the comorbidity between CDDs and eating disorders. even less discussed are what disordered eating behaviors look like and how to address them from a harm reduction standpoint due to the stigma associated with eating disorders. meanwhile, research suggests that up to half of people diagnosed with DID also struggle with disordered eating.
if we talk openly and honestly about disordered eating behaviors through the lens of harm reduction, we can help people live healthier, safer lives no matter what stage of recovery they are in.
warning!! the next section discusses specific disordered behaviors, not to glorify or romanticize, but because details are important when it comes to health. if this will be too triggering for you, take care of yourself and don't read on!
here are some basics for harm reduction if you are struggling with bulimia nervosa (BN):
if you purge by vomiting:
gently rinse your mouth afterwards to wash out the bile. wait to brush your teeth for at least an hour, as brushing immediately after throwing up can damage your teeth's enamel.
rehydrate with water and extra electrolytes. vomiting leads to a loss of fluid and electrolytes, so make sure you get extra.
eat something non-triggering and gentle on your stomach. vomiting can cause a drop in blood sugar, and eating afterward can help counteract this.
if you misuse laxatives:
eat food that contains dietary fiber like wholegrain bread, brown rice, beans, fruit and vegetables.
make sure you are drinking enough water as laxatives will cause you to lose fluids.
if you over exercise:
similarly to the other two, you will need to replenish your fluids and electrolytes, so make sure to get plenty of both.
allow yourself time to rest and recover.
eat a meal that contains all the important macros (protein, carbs, fat, vitamins) to help your body recover.
if you are struggling with bulimia, you're not alone. you can reach out to your primary physician for help finding recovery resources, you can call the National Alliance for Eating Disorders or sign up for one of their support groups, or you can even message Love, A Stranger to receive support via text.
take care of yourselves, be compassionate with yourselves, and be safe.
(potentially triggering, so feel free to delete this without reading on)
I’m not sure if this counts as proper sexual trauma but does this include a few small “surprise” touches, that never escalated to anything more? It only happened like.. two or three times total, only in the span of one year, but we keep getting like.. phantom touch and stuff? Or bursts of fear about it happening again? Q.Q
hi anon! i know that you sent a follow-up ask saying to ignore this one, so i hope me replying doesn't upset you.
i want you to know that any unwanted sexual contact, whether that be physical touch, verbal or written communication, or anything else is not okay and is sexual violence. there is no such thing as "proper" sexual trauma. everyone's trauma and stress threshold is different, and for children that threshold is even lower.
i also want you to know that your experiences and feelings of fear are, unfortunately, very normal and common among survivors. i'm sending you lots of love and support, and i also encourage you to talk about this with someone you trust and also with a professional.
i'm gonna leave you with some resources that have been helpful for me:
RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network) has a lot of different educational pages as well as having a hotline and a lot of other supports for survivors. i'm specifically linking their page on "What 'Counts' as Sexual Violence?" which goes in depth about this topic specifically
Wings focuses on healing for adult survivors of CSA (childhood sexual abuse), and they have a lot of great stuff. i'll be including their page "Is what happened to me abuse?"
however, if you are still a minor, you can also find a Children's Advocacy Center near you through the National Children's Alliance's search tool here
being inside a trans body while identifying as our birth gender is complicated. i feel an overwhelming sense of grief, guilt, and dysmorphia. as a protector, i want the best for us, and i know that what is best is to continue our physical transition, but i cannot bring myself to do our t-shot. it's too hard. too dissonant with my own identity and desires. i guess i'm lucky that many of our features are naturally feminine, so i can still pass as a girl when i wear the right things, but i can't look in the mirror at myself too closely or i start to fixate on the coarse body hair or the new muscle tone or whatever else.
i don't know if i have a point to end this with, but i want to know if any other alters relate? or if you have tips? or if this makes you feel less alone? i feel like this is so rarely discussed in the system community, so i wanted to share my experience. <3
i wish there was more recognition for those of us whose sexual/intimate trauma is not "typical." if you are a survivor, i love you, no matter how "big" or "small" your trauma is.
i love you survivors of online abuse. i love you survivors of trafficking. i love you survivors of cocsa. i love you survivors of emotional incest. i love all of you.
