Something I want to discuss regarding consent.
In BDSM is very normal to discuss kinks, soft and hard limits before engaging in a kink relationship. It's also normal to discuss all aspects and plans for a scene (sexual or not) before going through with it. I am very much of the opinion that this should occur within vanilla relationships and sex as well.
One of the most important lessons I learned early on in joining the community was that -
1. You can ALWAYS revoke consent
2. You cannot give more consent.
The second point isn't talked about as much and was initially confusing. What do you mean I can't give "more"? As my mentor puts it, "if it wasn't discussed before hand, it's not going to happen. Even if you beg for it."
The reason for this is, once the scene/sex begins our state of mind changes. We talk a lot about sub and dom space. When in an intimate or intense situation our headspace is going to change - and for the sub especially we are vulnerable.
I think most women can relate to scenarios where they ended up in a position where they felt coerced to do something they later realized they weren't comfortable with. What started as heavy petting turned into sex - even though it wasn't something they originally intended to do. Mid piv their partner asks for anal, and they agree in the moment because they want to make their partner happy - even though it's not something they enjoy. A partner starts dirty talk or degrading them mid sex, and while uncomfortable with it they go along with it anyway.
In a very vulnerable state, like subspace, it's easy to be taken advantage of. Wanting to please your Dom/partner it's easy to go along with something you normally wouldn't be comfortable with - and not think about the long term consequences. It's coercion, it's violating consent, and it's taking advantage of someone who's not in a SSC headspace. And most don't realize this, especially since they often do ask for consent mid-scene.
One example I've encountered - During an impact scene he asked if he could pull my hair. We didn't discuss it before hand, we didn't go over my health history of having neck problems. But I was already in subspace. He could have asked me to do jumping jacks and I would have agreed.
When vetting a potential partner he said he doesn't like in depth scene planning. He likes going with the flow of what feels right between him and his partner. I agree to an extent - my husband and I have been together for a long time. Our communication is great, we know each other's kinks and limits really well. It's easy to go with the flow and implement newish things. We read each other very well and we're not afraid to disappoint each other - especially when we're past the point of trying to impress each other. But with a new partner? Nope nope nope. If we didn't discuss it first it's not going to happen - and if you ask mid-scene I'll end the scene.
So always vet your partners. Discuss what you're going to do before getting into a vulnerable state, and remember
1. you can always revoke consent - but
2. you cannot give more once a scene/sexual activity has started.
Stay safe and protect your boundaries.