Ivan's hopelessness and introspection / Nowhere
What mainly sets Ivan apart from characters like Mizi, for example, is his upbringing, he initially lived in the slums, a dangerous, harsh environment, and had to learn how to navigate that at a young age without anybody by his side. Ivan didn’t grow up in bliss and innocence or as a generally happy person, and after nearly dying in the slums, it left him with a first impression of life that was unforgiving and cruel. That aspect of his backstory deeply scarred his subconscious and impacted his perspective, which molded his nihilistic approach to life.
Even after being adopted by Unsha, Ivan never left that side of him behind but adapted those traits to his new environment. Ivan obediently conformed to whatever the aliens expected of him to ensure his survival while he lived, perfecting his expressions, maintaining the alien's favor, becoming well-admired by the other children in Anakt Garden and well-liked by the aliens, and a lot more things. All this to say, Ivan was the perfect pet, despite that, he still had a hollow interior. Complying with the aliens without a real sense of identity, nor any will to develop one could've been what led to his self-perceived unusual ‘otherness’ compared to others. To say his life was ‘stained’ from the beginning means he saw his existence as inherently corrupted, irreparably so, that's the way Ivan always regards his existence, as something sad and flawed
It highlights how miserable Ivan was, even after being given everything that he needed because of his guardian, simple necessities that he could only long for when he was still living in the slums, despite being surrounded by kids, that's the thing, from watching how they interact and play Ivan realizes how different he is from them, he lacks the life. He doesn’t feel like he truly belongs anywhere-- in Anakt Garden, where he can only wear a mask to blend in, or in an alien society where he is simply a product that was on a very clear time limit, and the reality of that keeps him in his own head, dissociated and alienated.
Despite how aware Ivan was of the desolation of his reality that didn't leave any room for hope when he saw Till for the first time standing up for himself, it brought something out of Ivan, that urge to (study like a bug) understand a part of Till that had courage and rebelliousness that Ivan himself didn't possess. Ivan grew a fascination with Till akin to the way he felt when he saw a meteor shower for the first time, through Till, and through expressing himself by pulling on Till's metaphorical pigtails, bringing out Till's emotions, Ivan could feel deep emotions again, he could feel alive again. Those feelings even encouraged Ivan to do something that would essentially be him rebelling even though he had no prior incentive to escape his monotonous life. Before Till, Ivan showed no genuine interest in changing anything, he didn't fight it, just accepted things as they were. But because he saw that Till fought because he wanted freedom, I think Ivan naturally dislikes his own conformity. It is only an efficient and beneficial way to live, and it kept him alive for the most part, but I think he wanted to experience what it's like to be brave and to feel joy, to see what Till saw in being free, and he wanted them to be free together.
When the lyrics refer to “A rigid dream and hope seeped in rose tint,” it could be relating to the common saying “rose-tinted glasses,” for something to seep is like a leak, a rigid and stiff ‘dream’ that has a rose tint leaking through, the meaning behind “dream and hope” is synonymous with looking on the bright side and seeing pleasantries, you intend to look at the bright side that distracts you from that unpleasant reality, but it is ultimately just a shallow hope, the kind that “it’s stained with blood” isn’t real with all of its undertones and conditions, it was faulty and cruel, In a world like this, they would be and were stomped on immediately. The sad thing about it is it's not like Ivan didn’t see it coming when Till turned back, but he only naively thought he had it all right wishing things would go his way and wanting more but knowing he can't ask for more than this. The rejection hurt, and remembering it hurts even more.
Ivan's motive for wanting to escape was because of that fragile hope. He had long since accepted his situation for what it was. He deals with life as a whole with detachment, and more specifically, his emotions. he is so used to downplaying his feelings and hurt that, at some point, he becomes 'numb' to them, and his apathy leaves his complicated feelings remain buried and forgotten from time, but never healed.
Ivan’s identity as an idol is carefully curated; everything down to the way he smiles ties into that image, But that identity separate from himself is not something Ivan particularly likes. His smile is significant to his image, it makes him ‘special.’ When asked about his charm point in an interview, he replies that it’s his snaggletooth. Ivan's obedience and perfect behavior are what rank him up so high among human pets, which is probably why he’s so critical when referring to his most notable features. Of course, his face gets him places, but because it is directly tied to his identity as a product and, by extension, the system that he sees with contempt, he's disgusted by it.
Ivan emulates what the aliens want of him, he's always forced into submission by the very system that he resents. To his detriment, the benefits he had received from being perfect only exacerbated the negative image he has of himself that he is ultimately powerless and the feeling that his real self will always be unwanted, and it leaves him feeling a loneliness only he understands beneath the persona.
He does as he’s told and doesn’t do anything about confronting his feelings because there's no point in trying the way he sees it. Nobody cares about him, so it’s not a big deal if he feels bad, it's not a big deal if he hurts himself because he can just keep going because there’s nothing else he can do, Ivan treats himself like a waste of time all the same, his whole character is repressing the emotions he feels, and leaving them to fix themselves at some point, it is what he wants to think, that “if I just ignore it, it will fade in time.” Ivan wants to pose as a mature and nonchalant person who can persevere and let go of things that hurt him easily, even just for the sake of making it to the next day, but he is very emotionally immature.
Even when he wants to subdue his feelings to protect his heart, it’s ironic how, no matter what, he can't escape his humanity and the part of him that craves to be seen and understood by someone. This is best portrayed in confession-- Ivan tried relating to others. Sua, who he thought was like him, the connection and the feeling that he wasn't alone brought him comfort, he doesn't even seem to realize or know how to put into words why he was so upset when he realized that wasn't true the whole time--because he's so out of touch with his emotions.
This cycle, when it comes to Ivan allowing some semblance of vulnerability with someone or something and then being exposed to hurt ultimately leads him to close off with no outlet for these intense feelings of hurt and bitterness that are just left to build up.
Hysterie often refers to the state of extreme and controllable emotions, I find this interesting when Ivan uses it because of his quiet personality, only in brief moments does a part of him that is emotional and smiles freely come out as he grew up and learned to mellow out that side of him and stifle his true self, “a hysterie festering” like feelings of emotion that have built up over time into something Ivan can’t manage and stifle so easily anymore and that's what it ultimately amounts to when Ivan is in his most emotionally intense moments, during Black sorrow when he was singing about his melancholy and devotion to staying by Till's side, singing the song exactly as he learned it until he lost control of his emotions for a moment, and in Cure when he recklessly expressed the strongest of his heart to Till, even if Till couldn't understand, to be seen by someone, and someone that he cared so deeply about before forfeiting his life override the part of him that wanted to keep these feelings tucked away, to die with them before burdening someone else with such emotions.
Cure and Black Sorrow can't be sidelined for just how emotionally vulnerable they are to Ivan's character. But Nowhere is so intense and honest in an intriguing way, given how cagey Ivan is with his feelings. Especially considering that this song was likely specifically made to never be used on stage or even found in the first place, a song purely from his point of view filled with emotions he always tried to hide, it is essentially Ivan's soul. His loneliness, his beliefs, and his sorrows, such as the way the affectionate lyrics at the very start of the song are cut off at random and distorted into meaningless background noise that lingers until the end of the song, reads like Ivan's bitterness towards his haphazard feelings, his way of love, and by extension his resentment, mixing with his self-loathing into something intangible that only he could really understand.
Ending this off with the same words, “This always happens to me,” “That's just how it is,” is a reflection of Ivan’s view of life (even though the narrative disproves his flawed perspective on several occasions) he’s very secure in his nihilistic view of the world. And his inability to change anything about it, his inability to be loved, or the idea that he was cared for at all. His pragmatism regarding that is because he’s witnessed firsthand how life contradicts and snuffs out hope, so Ivan decided to never subject himself to that kind of naivety again, living with such deep-seated feelings until it came back to bite him, and died thinking that this is just how things go, his emotions, shallow and meaningless always gets the better of him
dailybridgerton
turnnoffyourmind
discoholicmusic
kianamaiart
