because everyday isn't as bad as you make it out to be

I'm getting there. I'm getting there. I'm getting there.

[ff8bc1]

LISTEN,

I love chris and z so much, they’re the most platonic guy friends that i have in my life and i am so happy and grateful for it

[ff8bc1]

03/07

- finished like 2 stuff at work in one day - cake rubbing himself on my hand - shingyee messaging me if I was ok - illya putting my pills aside and telling me that I'd taken enough for the day already - everyone in my workplace noticing that something was off with me today, so when young boi showed up and I said yes to him coming along, my boss immediately said stuff like "the 2 of you not allowed to go home alone, I'll send you home with shingyee " and "do you need us to chase him away or not" and "what do you want?" Like they didn't just care about me, they respected my opinion and what i wanted to do - illya getting excited about young boi's Brother in the taxi. Turns out hes a big shot in the music industry - dinner at illya's - food so good, company so rubbish. Everyone low/high key teasing me about young boi. Wanling winking at me the whole time. Illya telling us to get a room - talked to the kopi guy and he gave advice on drawing! - illya's singing and original music, sweet lord - young boi's voice when he sings tho. He made up a song for me impromptu. I probably blushed. - illya giving us packets. I wanted to cry. I hugged her for a very long time after. - protective shingyee and boss. No chance for young boy HAHA - Joey messaging me after to ask about stuff. Her saying that everyone hecks up. Tells me about herself. I feel... comforted in this vulnerability. - I love my company so so much. I am so blessed to be here at this point of time.

[ff8bc1]

08/06

Where to start - woke up early to do make up - think I’m getting better at it! Also played with a lot of new make up today, fun stuff. Thought I looked good without snapchat filter. Rare times - the book I’m reading finally getting to a REALLY interesting part 👀 - boss back in office! Nice feelings - pepper lunch for lunch - getting to do the illustration design for the upcoming event - the postcards I designed arrived!!! - ernz came to the book store and I was happy to see his face and hug him - dinner was so so good - met one of my fave sg lit authors - aaaaaaa I have such a big crush she’s not only good she’s so cool and fun and she hugged me and I see cuts on her arms and I hope she is okay and she gave me a signature!!! And we joked a lot and I love her!!!!!! So much!!!!! I want to protect her!!! I hope she gets protected! - went late for Jaye’s birthday party. Was panicky but the second I stepped in - people greeted me so friendly-ly. People I didn’t really talk to but knew, they hugged me and I was so so so touched. - at first I thought dead skin walked out the room when I came in - but turns out he wasn’t ignoring me, when he came it was cool and we did awkward dancing and the rest of my night was just bickering with him, it was so so fun and he made me so comfortable and more relaxed and less awkward and I was so happy and I wished I talked more like this with him earlier on, more comfortably, more openly, more freely. Its fun and I love it. - because I drank baileys (whoop) I was very Low filter and mildly high, so interacting with everyone was GOOD. I was not awkward. I braided people’s hair, I flirted with everyone in my vicinity, I sang, made everyone dance and do a group-hug-dance. It was so so good. I got to catch up on so many people and ebb is such a darling and berlin got me cake and beal is lovely and I love them!! - $5 cab ride back because split fare. Taking with salmon is cool because he’s a quiet guy type who fits in with the kind of people that’s easy for me to click with, and I got to catch up on dead skin’s life. - Its good to know that he’s doing well. I’m happy for him and his gf, and although I felt a tinge of jealousy before, I’m very clear about it - I feel happy that we’re not together and that nothing happened, because he is so happy and he is moving forward and I am moving forward, and in so many ways I recognise that his maturity level differs from me and we function differently; so I’m not jealous anymore and I’m Glad, glad I didn’t start anything with him. - young boi messaging me to arrange a meet up. This guy keep sending mixed signals ah, but I think in the end he just wants advice in a senior-junior way, which is the preferred signal I’d like to get from him.

[ff8bc1]

05/06

- colleagues being damn nice and concerned about me being a bit sickish - trying to teach the other designer how to layout Japanese fonts right to left and vertically in indesign - hearing ill talk about music fest ideas. She's really a bright one full of fun ideas. - free Tiong Bahru bakery pastries - talking with bro about enneagrams. I love talking about these personality shit in general a HAHAHAH I'm trash - Wonder Woman movie with fam! Fronts like nope; middle is pretty good, they have an interesting context set up, then end is just shit and ugh please stop being embarrassing

[ff8bc1]

04/06

- no boss in the house. I.e., playing retro af songs - cat uncomfortably hanging its head over the edge of my laptop. U ok grl u look so wasted - finding out cheap movie ticket prices thanks to sy (my workplace girl, not syu, life's complicated) - deciding to last minute catch a 940 pm movie with yw. Forcing yw to watch the movie with me LOL - is this what dating a rich guy feels like, he basically paid for everything tonight except black ball, I owe him like $30+ by now - crushing things in supermarkets, finally someone who appreciates my art form - yw opening up to me and telling me about his own problems. I feel bad that I ignore him so much on normal occasions, cause his shit be hecked as well, and he's in a completely different circumstance than I am. The thing with having problems is sometimes people can physically and mentally move away from them. He's in a situation where he can't. - went up to a random stranger to ask for a picture with her so I could lie to my mum that I wasn't staying out with a guy at the moment lol. that was fuCKING awkward but also memorable - gotg2 was pretty amazing. I almost fell asleep at the front because it was so goddamn draggy but it got nice notes of humour and emotional parts written out pretty well. Screaming when the Pac man happened. I laughed harder than I should have. Mary Poppins y'all, and wts rocket wts. I fucking love rocket and yondu and actually, all the characters. God bless - also was I the only person who fucking sat up when he said I'm your daddy like what the fuck was that I'm kink shaming you yondu - slept on yw's shoulder in the cab and slept talked all the way back home and sprouted bullshit words of wisdom which he seemed to be very touched by, so, I guess, its good to be able to help

[ff8bc1]

04/06

- breakfast with the fam. sniggering with bro in church and about memes. - being the earliest to reach for a meet up LOL - FRESHLY BAKED BREAD! - ice skating. O BOY. So nerve wrecking but nice to keep going and you start to get used to the motion towards the end of it. I can really see why the tricks are so fun to do, they actually feel more natural and in-line with what the skate was meant to do as compared to my clunky awkward normal skating method. - watching bin and raymon do their skating tricks. Y'all graceful fucks. Honestly so so nice to watch. - the 2 looking out for me even tho I was such a noob on the rink lbr - trash talking all the way. Love. Hanging and talking with them feels damn comfortable, I'm not trying to pretend, and at times I feel like I won't shut up because I have so much I was to say and laugh about and together with them. At one point of time I had to mentally tell myself to cHILL the HECK, calM, doWN. Shhhhh or you'll get annoyinggggg. - bubble tea - good food that everyone helped me finish - I like teasing that the 2 of them have gfs?? Its quite cute tbh. To a certain extent I feel like a Uni senior compared to them HAHA - tbh just talking and being mean and laughing and what not. Lord I'm so tired but it really was so fun today. 0 drama. Pure af. Wish we could have been this way sooner, that I could have been less awkward with bin last time, and that I could have lesser angst/tension with raymon all the time. Either way, I'm happy with how things turned out. Wouldn't change a thing.

[ff8bc1]

03/06

- art science museum with klis and z n dar n bebe n ernz - klis being so accommodating. Going out of his way to wait for me. Chatting by me cause I told him I'm low mood. - holding hands with bebe. Dar called me pretty girl. Bebe buying ice cream. Me trying to stuff ernz face with ice cream. Punching ernz to try and cheer him up. - eating food together with them. Z letting me drink his $1.80 bandung. Sharing meals and klis and Bebe didn't know that one whole chicken = wing + drum, klis literally ate one measly drumstick and thought that cost $1.50 altogether omg poor kid - giving z the "thanks for not judging me for my all the time/sometimes bad decision making" card and him saying that it's ok - walking about and talking. Accepting that we're old and can't stay out late anymore HAHA - ernz craving beer - bringing him out for drinking and trying to look after him. Admitting stuff about how I feel about having a personality disorder. - going home, running into sharmz on the train - ernz saying that I have changed him, and how he's learnt to become less controlled now. - I love meeting up with my Uni friends to see how everyone's doing at work. Reminds me that even if we're working, we still can chill with each other. We can still look out for each other.

[annavladimirova]

Night walk

[ff8bc1]

- client work done!!! - bread messaging me about a kawaii book. I later dream of bread and braiding his hair behind the backs of his friends. - red rainbow ball's birthday! Going up to camp outside her room. - having problems finding reyn in schoo - everyone going cray. Me being amused. - bread taking my suggestions. Me feeling relieved cause the group previously seemed to not be replying to any of my offers on whatsapp. - sitting in a circle - me being included in it, people reacting positively to what i say, like laughing and adding on. This group makes me feel not so anxious, they're so lovely. - thank god for reyn being there, increases the amount of people i can talk to and feel less awkward with - mmmMMM?? Don't know how to interact with bread, felt like it was so many awkward and stunted conversations!!! Even though i wanted a good feeling banter ??? Shit - realize i'm very much more used to talking to reyn - just sitting there bantering with him feels much more comfortable than dealing with bread and my awareness of bread and inability to be smooth with the actual person i have a crush on with h e l p - elijah pie's chocolate cake is legit - dinner with klis lx and seet (lol) and oh, yea, talking to seet is nice i've massively forgotten since i dont see him around - hanging out with andy talking about boobs and butts - soft hug from klis - talked about my dreams to them. *v* - REYN KNOWS NOSTALGIA BY PARRICK STUMP???? FuCK!!! HOW??????? Did not KNOW that anyone heard him at all???? I lterally out of my half dazed sleepy mind started siNGING IT ALONG like I REMEMBERED IT OUT OF SOME HALF REMEMBERED DREAM - watching reyn play ow - its so fun. I can tell he likes an audience, and I feel more alive when i watch him play as well. - reyn suddenly saying that its ok, i don't have to worry about him. I know it was him talking about how he doesn't like to be looked over so closely but it felt GOOD to be able to say out loud that tHat was my way of caring for people and i didnt know where to fit him in it. - feels good to be honest.

[1cb8ff]

Do you ever feel so soft for a person that you just wanna reach over and kiss their neck/cheek? It doesn’t even have to be romantically - even platonically, you just have such tender feelings for them.

[1cb8ff]

don’t let me name things

(spotify acc: Denise Nicole Yap)

[ff8bc1]

I'M VERY PLEASED TO HEAR ALL MY ANGSTY TEENAGE MUSIC TOGETHER AGAIN

[1cb8ff]

Dream log

- nier automata vibes. 2b and 9s and someone who looked like my mum was travelling in a team. The person who looked like my mum was being organically mutated by something, legs continuously split into halves and another half and another half until she had snakes for legs. - 2b had to kill her. At first she was very reluctant because they were team mates, but there was a quick flashback to when my mum (just gonna call her that) first start mutating. Whenever her flesh was starting to change a bit, the 2 of them would react very strongly, like they were going to kill her - and then they’d suddenly stop short, pass out, and wake up, completely forgetting what just happened. - (it seemed like a curse but i heard a voice/commentator saying “funny the way they fall asleep - almost as if they’re trying to ignore the fact that their friend has been infected,“ insinuating that the problem could have been solved way back but they didn’t want to. That or 2b seemed to have some psychological issues with the mutation. )

- 2b kills her.

- we had to hide, because we knew that they (i dont remember who “they” is anymore) were purposely aiming to kill a certain kind of puppet. (I think it was 2B coming to kill her the puppets i’m not sure). My friend - a puppet with a red triangular body and white circle for a face and red hat had to hide. I brought her to a cave by the sea side and brought knitting materials with it - i learnt how to knit by the sea. In red thread, with my puppet friend. She dropped something that rolled out and so i stepped out to grab it. Then i saw in the distance of the horizon - planes and ships. And the sea to the sky was a saturated, cyan blue to pink gradient. - hoards of armies was making its way through the waters and landing on the beach. I went back uneasily into the cave. Tanks rolled out from the ships onto the beach, batches of soldiers stormed out with huge machine guns, rows and rows of army battlements just came out one after another. All the while i was sitting there and watching them gather on the shore. My puppet friend dropped something again, it rolled outside to behind the cave and she was like. Can you help me grab that! And i’m like. NO DUDE THERE ARE ARMY PEOPLE OUTSIDE… I should not disrupt that. - right after the army people left the waves were getting stronger and stronger. As it washed up nearer and nearer to the entrance of our cave, i saw that with it, it brought dolphins along with the tide. They were pulled back and forward and back and forward till some of them started to get beached. - then we saw whales being dragged from the sea to the shore. Again, back and forth and back and forth like someone was swinging them back and forth and then throwing them onto the beach. We watched one whale that was exceptionally close to us being pulled back by the tide, pushed forward towards us, pulled back, pushed forward and then tossed onto a the shore with such a great force that it slid towards us, its huge mouth slamming into the entrance of the cave. - the beached whales appeared on the front of the newspapers.

- chris and I have to dapao dinner to the cave. - somehow the cave has a back entrance, the front entrance is blocked by the whale and its huge mouth. - as we’re talking about how we hope something with the beached whales can be done, we’re walking through the street of wellington, the one you walk when you walk straight up from cuba back to the cube. I know this because i’m walking by all the shops, eyeball kicks, hell pizza, there’s tables out front with yellow and black zig zag trinklets. There are high stools with cloth (like the colourful abstact patterned furry ones in the md room) on them. Because they it looks like its a stack of messy cloth piled together, i’m thinking maybe i could rearrange the cloth for the owners, and so i lift up the cloth - 2 black and white cats get up, stunned that I’ve disturbed their peaceful sleep under the furry cloth. I’m just like oh shit i didn’t know there were cats underneath i’M SO SORRY and i try to cover them up again but the cats already ran off. - chris is just like “you gotta do it in such a way you don’t scare them, see-” and he lifts off the blanket from another tall stool and there’s a fat cat underneath. He gives the blanket a flick and it covers over the cat again in a perfect shape. Like the blanket imitated the shape of the cat and fit over it perfectly. - my dream self is just. So amazed like woaH that was a gOOD ONE. - i walk over to him like okay we should really go for dinner, and i reach over and want to sling and arm over his shoulder to walk him forwardC but he’s refusing and he’s facing the other direction like he wants to go the OTHER way to see more cats so all i end up do is slinging my arm over his collarbones (because he’s facing the other direction) and they poke into my arm - and the dream ends

[ff8bc1]

27/03

- direction for fyp. gotta start drawings

- klis suddenly talking to me about deerest and how i hang around him. klis listening to me ramble a bit.

- klis suddenly opening up to me about his situation in his family. i suddenly understand why he is the way he is. all the things people say about him being “sensitive” because he didn’t go through army – like goddamn it, that’s not it - it’s something else allltogether. jesus. he looks so chirpy on the outside but... i guess everyone has their own backstory. their own shitty family situation to go home to.

- thank you for opening up to me about it.

- “beer” drinking - fun hanging with sharpi again.

- jamming@MD!!! with kapz! maddi klis reyn kim major/minor (lmao). fucking fun. missing jamming with kapz. yelling Mr brightside @ the top of the voice. Also I’m realizing now how reyn can be an interruption to md practices lol

- accidentally doing a 3-way harmony with reynard singing sweet disposition

- klis introducing me to the stairway. the way the individual notes join up together as an after-sound to create a chord is fucking crazy and so church like. so damn spiritual, i get how impressive architecture makes people want to  us doing crazy sick as harmonizing.

[ff8bc1]

28/03

- finish first client deadline - clarifying with jt that even though we’re doing this cuddling and (mild) physical touching, we would never date each other. I can’t say how grateful I am for this. he gave me free cake! - free macarons. free brand’s essence of chicken. - dinner @ south spine with reyn and klis.

- fINDING OUT THAT REYN KNWOS HAMILTON A ND LISTESN TO IT AND KNOWS THE RAPS FUC K IGN H EL L Y ES

- talking to klis about ernz. klis being understanding. i don’t know how to tell him that i also want to hear him share about stuff.

- hanging @ the lounge with lil bicep/small round and maddi and klis. singing at the top of our voices and filming impromptu music videos. hella fun.

- watching food video with maddi

[ff8bc1]

24/03

bell jar by slyvia plath. honestly speaking i fucking love this madness in lit and film class i’m so glad i took it.

SO glad I went for hans’ meet up even though i was so iffy about it at first. I met fucking amazing people with fucking amazing works who are fucking amazing! and still friendly?? wow.

MIGHT HAVE A BOOK CONTRACT! I MEAN! MIGHT BE ILLUSTRATING FOR A BOOK OVER THE SUMMER!!!! WEHUYTR%TUJY!!!!!!!!

free beer free pizza free uber ride back to school free wine

drinking with wooo. her fingers creeping under my skirt and tracing lightly here and there. she wanted to make out with me and i honestly would not have minded, except i know she’d regret it later.

given a massage. given a can. given a cuddle. being told i look cute and beautiful. i don’t know what it is but he was hella fucking nice to me this night. i don’t feel overly attached to him anymore (I feel like i actually don’t wanna meet with him anymore)

but I don’t hate this.

[ff8bc1]

25/03

met a guy named deis. or at least, when he introduced himself, sounded like his name was denise. like what.

lunch with jt because he remembered how salty i was when i was left out from lunch last week.

jt.... cuddling. we’re a bit too close. how do i tell him that friends probably shouldn’t be cuddling this much. I’m okay but I’m clear that for things like these you seriously have to set boundaries or you’re gonna be fucked later on. and this boy is too innocent and pure and i don’t wanna fuck him over man.

seeing lil bicep! feel like i hyped up eating together too much and then left him out when i chose to eat with roomie instead. ,-,

dinner with reyn n maddi n jt n kim.

goRIL L A Z DROP P ED THEIR SO NGS i actually rlly like ascension the sky is fallin baby drop that ass fore it crash

chatting with lil bicep on fb messenger as company. he’s really too.... friendly? too nice? who the hell responds that much just cause that person wants company and he’s willing to give it? I’m mildly concerned about the way his mind works, but i’m appreciative and have some semblance of wanting to be friendly and hang around him. jeez. He’s giving me weird vibes. Ernz vibes. and i don’t want this to become another ernz 2.0 we all know how badly that turned out thanks to me getting carried away

rubbish talk with reyn. tbh talking to him once brightens my day man. rubbish 11/10.

[1cb8ff]

20/03/2017

- worked out - croissant - jamming with klis - walking him to the bus stop and talking to him. This is a person I seriously enjoy hanging with. The relaxing vibes i get when i’m with him really makes me feel so at ease. - kapi being lonely and whiny - supper with maddie with soba noodles in miso soup and croissant and camomile tea

[ff8bc1]

Whoops wrong blog