The joys and wonders of being a 1-6 with low Te
I find myself struggling with the same vicious circle a lot: being a 1, when I plan my study for an exam I practically don’t leave space for relaxation and fun, because deep down I’m convinced that I wouldn’t deserve it until I’ve finished everything I’m supposed to do for school. Moreover, when I do actually force myself to stop studying and do trivial activities, I feel this black hole of anxiety in my stomach that makes me want to run back home and go back to studying, so I don’t really enjoy myself and relax (say hi to my phobic 6). The downside of this is, of course, that I can’t possibly focus and be productive for 24 hours a day, human brains don’t work that way, so I actually find myself wasting so much time instead of studying, for example watching stupid youtube videos and doing activities that let me shut off my brain and forget how anxious I feel about that exam. But when I get to the end of the day and I find myself with 90% of my daily load of study still undone, of course the anxiety comes back at full force and I feel even less deserving of free time for the following day, so the cycle begins again. I only manage to break it when, instead of going to bed, I spend half of the night awake to make up for lost time, because I don’t know why but I focus more at night (maybe I’m less distracted because there are less stimuli both from the outside world and from social media/internet, I don’t know). This applies to therapy as well: I know perfectly well that seeing a psychologist would make me less anxious in the long run, but I’m so anxious about “wasting” time that I give up on the idea altogether. So… Help? Please?
(You don’t want to wind up disintegrated into 4 like Norrington in POTC 2. ;)
You have several issues going on, which I’ll address individually.
First, Tritype issues – the curse of double-productive fixes (1 + 6). I suffer from the exact same issue, which compounds low Te into demanding “results” for my time and guilt-trips me into not taking “down time.” The solution is to set reasonable goals per day, achieve those, and quit working, forcing yourself to walk away and go have a good time, because you have “earned” it by finishing your task or at least making a dent in it. If you are anything like me, even when you have major demands on your time (work / school), you may face the temptation to be productive in your down time. I am notorious for heading into my big work week (it demands lots of Te/Si, which is draining) and not stopping my writing, which means I “work” myself into exhaustion, rather than taking a break from writing for a week. It’s stupid, but I compulsively attempt to do both and exhaust myself. So, you have to self-discipline yourself enough to fill self-preservation “rest” needs.
Second, Enneagram 1 issues. 1s have issues with relaxation and having fun. They often feel they aren’t deserving of these things, and should not take time off to rejuvenate. You have to work toward integration (moving toward 7’s ability to have fun / relax / enjoy life), which means, again, carving out time to enjoy yourself, guilt-free. If you have to adopt a mantra of self-talk (“I deserve this free time and fun, I am not going to beat myself up for taking it or guilt myself into going back to work”), so be it. But focus on working toward integration.
Third, low Te blind spots. High Te is logical. It knows the body can only take so much, and over-working produces lackluster results. Logic tells you your body needs rest, food, and mental down-time to keep you on top of your game. Low Te’s generally superficially are aware of this, but keep going anyway, since they don’t take it too seriously and/or assume they can wing it forever.
If you are incapable of taking mental time off, this means you are likely also: not eating right or taking care of your physical needs. Do you know what “brain foods” are? Are you eating breakfast? Are you doing most of your mentally-heavy work in the morning when your brain is optimal and refreshed? Are you getting a full 6-8 hours of sleep every night? Are you limiting your “blue light” exposure in the evening, by not texting / surfing on your phone / staring at your laptop until you fall asleep? Are you exercising? Etc.
Low Te overdoes Te, meaning FPs wake up one day, usually in their 20’s, and realize how much time they “waste” and think they need to grow up, get serious, and mass produce things all the time. Thus, you wind up with looping / gripping FPs. To disengage a loop or a grip, which means you are out of balance, you must re-engage the missing function. Se/Ne or Fi. What does this mean? Get off work / school, and go find something to do that uses one of those functions, rather than falling into Te “I need to get back to work” thinking.
Therapy is not wasting time, if it’s helpful to you. You only get one of you, and you get to spend your whole life with yourself – you owe it to yourself to “get better” and get professional help for the things you cannot overcome yourself. Spending time in therapy now to stop compulsive/harmful behaviors will save you a lot more time later on after you have hit rock bottom and burn out.
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