Finding Sonder

[finding-sonder-blog]

Happy Birthday to me.

When I was little I loved my birthday. I loved dressing up in beautiful dresses, inviting my entire family, picking out what kind of sheet cake I wanted my mom to make (usually covered in little plastic farm animals). As I got a little older I began to feel sad around my birthday because I realized that every year, while my family would celebrate with me, I never had any friends. The years I did have a friend they never cared enough to spend time with me on that day and it was always a big let down. Time went on a I felt the stress weighing on my mother every time my birthday rolled around, since it’s right after the holidays she’s always been burnt out by the time it’s my turn. She still puts on a brave face every year and tries to make it special, but I can always see her exhaustion. By the time I was approximently 11 or 12 I had already developed some pretty bad anxiety and depression, and it just got worse when my Birthday would roll around. I didn’t like the attention anymore and I didn’t like having to realize once again that I had gone another year with my only friends being my Boxer and Terrier Poodle.

Each year has always felt more and more overwhelming, this constant building of pain and loneliness as I look my mother in the eye and try to explain to her how thankful I am for her efforts, but how every year that passes is a reminder of how unworthy I feel. How unworthy I am to be alive. How unworthy I am to be their child. Unworthy of even a friend.

I fell in love when I was fifteen and my parents forbid me from seeing him. Since that day my partner has been a secret from my parents. It has been three Birthday since then, and every year I feel my heart fill with pain as I am reminded that another year has passed where I haven’t told them the truth. Another year where I have failed my partner and another year where I have failed myself.

This last year I made the first friends I had actually connected with enough where I felt like they would want to celebrate with me. The day after Christmas I was informed that they didn’t want to be friends anymore due to an argument we had and once again I am back to feeling so alone.

Now my boxer and terrier poodle have long passed and I have two pet rats. My only friends. So as midnight hits tonight and I am once again am alone with just my pets, I will accept their birthday wishes and their congratulations on my new job and I will hope and pray that by next year my birthday won’t feel so painful anymore. But for now I will let it hurt, let my reopened wound bleed, and remember that sometimes it’s okay to not be okay...

... because it’s my birthday and I can cry if I want to.

[finding-sonder-blog]

Women have body hair. Chill

[finding-sonder-blog]

My soul is burning need Jesus Christ. My moms unhappy with all the choices I've been making in my life.

Blackbear

[finding-sonder-blog]

Having friends with mental illness when you have mental illness is hard. Because you both understand so deeply how the other one is feeling that you can ignore your own needs and go back and forth in this cycle of wanting to help the other person and sacrificing what you need because of a deep love and empathy towards that person and what they’re going through. It can be a good thing, but when your needs are total opposites it can be detrimental.

I am not saying that you shouldn’t allow yourself to love and enjoy these friends. I’m just saying to be cautious of where you’re at and what you need. Just because they’re hurting and going through trials, doesn’t make your struggles less valid. Remember that venting and expressing what you’re going through isn’t selfish or a bad thing. It’s just important to keep things give and take.

[finding-sonder-blog]

I am "kind of" an adult.

I attend a college and have exceptional grades. I am a mature and kind human being. I do not “sass” or “talk back.” I don’t do drugs. I do not drink. I do not sneak out. I do as I’m told. I am trying to get a job. I am trying to be an adult.

Other people lust after me, stating that I “have the sex appeal of an adult.” Other people dismiss me because I am in running start and “that’s not real college.” Other people tell me I’m too young to decide my future. Other people talk about me in terms of my entire generation, “immature” and “selfie.” Other people state that I am going places. Other people say that I’m just a baby. Other people say, “that’s not your age!”

My parents, they love me, but decide my whole life. My parents, they love me, but they tell me I’m too young to determine my sexuality. My parents, they love me, but they won’t let me be in love. My parents, they love me, but they refuse to recognize my accomplishments and behavior and give me freedom, because of my age. My parents, they love me, but I can’t have differing opinions from them. My parents, they love me and I recognize that they are not perfect.

I am an adult in my own eyes. I am an adult in the eyes of others, but only half the time. I am a child in the eyes of my parents.

I am thoroughly confused. I am “kind of” an adult.

[finding-sonder-blog]

Let's talk

Let’s talk for a minute. So recently I’ve been hearing remarks from my mom about how men can’t wear makeup, and that it’s gay or a “controversial transgender thing.” Despite these statements being ridiculous and completely offensive. She opened up my brain to male societal standards. As a female who loves makeup and the creative freedom that it provides me, I am all for makeup being excepted by society as gender neutral. For example, the other day I had some friends over, one of which is a very straight male. As we were sitting there I remarked about how makeup is gender neutral and really should be enjoyed by more people. As we were talking my friend asked for me to do his makeup, in a natural facial enhancing fashion. I did his makeup and long story short he loved it. He looked in the mirror and admired his cheek bones, pursed his lips and remarked “if I wouldn’t get shit from everyone I know, I would wear makeup a lot more often because this was really fun.” Now this may seem like a simple story, but it’s really not. The limits that have been put on makeup are ridiculous and completely illogical. Makeup does not determine your sexuality, and it does not determine your gender. If a women doesn’t wear makeup it does not make her a lesbian, if a male wears makeup it does not mean they are gay, whether a non binary or trans individual chooses to wear or not to wear makeup does not determine their gender. Makeup should not have limits. Makeup is fun and allows you to be confident and inspired. Makeup is not a determining factor of who you are. So to my men out there, the next time you wake up after a night of bad sleep go grab your concealer and rock a highlight because YOU ARE ALLOWED TO WEAR MAKEUP TOO.

[finding-sonder-blog]

Craving human contact so bad rn.

[idiona]

hipster

[dopy]

[finding-sonder-blog]

My huckleberry friend, moon river and me.

[finding-sonder-blog]

Celebrity Crush:

Kerry Washington. Hands down.

[shencomix]

[quotemadness]

I’ve noticed before that if you go too long without anyone seeing you, really seeing you, it’s easy to start wondering if you’re really there.

Maggie Mitchell (via quotemadness)

[finding-sonder-blog]

Definitely struggling with life rn 😶

[finding-sonder-blog]

#INeedFeminism

Because my own mother is not a feminist.

[quotemadness]

I love you but I don’t know what to do.

Charles Bukowski (via quotemadness)

When you reach a chapter in your life where you feel this way, take that time to grow and meditate on how you can improve for yourself and the one you love..

[finding-sonder-blog]

I'm confused

About every part of my life.

[finding-sonder-blog]

Aren't I the popular one today... 😶