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figured i’d start a blog specifically for bpd and how it personally affects me. feel free to follow along. diagnosed with bpd/bipolar/anxiety/depression.

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i want people to care but not too much but if they don’t care enough it triggers my fear of abandonment and rejection. i want to be alone but i want to be surrounded by people who admire me but i don’t really feel worthy of admiration. and how i can simultaneously want these things that are at opposite sides of the spectrum really just wreaks havoc on my brain

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the really fucked up thing about BPD for me is when i think i’ve healed certain aspects of it, or that i’ve put in the work to deal with it, and it loudly rages in my head and reminds me that not only haven’t i healed, i might actually be worse. when does this end? does it get better? or am i fucking doomed to a life of infuriating pain?

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Question for those with BPD - there is no right answer, just YOUR answer per your own life experiences and your feelings - do you think, personally, it’s ‘better’ or ‘worse’ to tell someone they’re your favorite person? Does the answer to that question depend on any external factors (i.e. previous conversations with the person, the person themselves, etc)

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i think we should talk about the physical traits of splitting. or, how splitting can manifest itself physically.

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i feel like i'm not allowed to be angry anymore without my family saying "oh, must be their bpd acting up again". getting this bpd diagnosis has of course helped in some regards but it's further alienated me in others. now, if i have an outburst, it's ALWAYS my bpd and never the other person.

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i hate the false sense of security i get if my BPD is silent for a little longer than it usually is. because all it takes is that one person to say or not say one silly little thing and suddenly you’re on the floor of your room, sobbing because you’ve totally convinced yourself this person views you as a monster, or just “puts up with” you, or otherwise secretly thinks you’re less than scum. you thought you were okay because your brain was quiet for a moment, and then something small happens and your brain turns it into the Mount Everest of Proof That Person Despises You And Never Wanted To Be Friends With You In The First Place.

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those moments where you get a text back from your favorite person and it’s just so unenthusiastic and your brain does it’s regular Ordeal/Thing/reaction where it immediately tags in your BPD to come by and whisper (or yell) in your ears how your favorite person actually doesn’t want anything to do with you. can’t you tell by their inflection? they didn’t include a comma there or an exclamation there and they didn’t use an emoji there and they just said a word when they usually type paragraphs - objectively, someone without BPD might look at that situation and go “oh, that person is just having a bad day or is tired or any other reason, no biggie”. but you’re incapable of that, huh? incapable of giving people, yourself included, the benefit of the doubt. i guess our brains are convinced it’s easier to be hated by someone - because we can hate them right back - rather than accept they could ever love and be loved by us, because love is vulnerability and loving someone opens you up to the possibility of them leaving. so you leave first - you think it’s an act of self care, that you’re somehow saving THEM by deciding for them - but all you do is cry yourself to sleep again because no matter how many friends you gain, you can always lose one more.

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i am just so fucking tired of my brain reading into every. fucking. thing. something as innocuous as ONE word either present or missing in someone’s response to me and i’ll agonise over it until i reach a breaking point. it’s not fair that my brain is actively trying to convince me of horrible ‘truths’ because that’s the thing, i can’t seperate fact from feeling when i get like this. i hate feeling that silent click in the back of my brain when i can FEEL myself splitting with someone. and i fucking hate it, because i can’t stop it, i can just witness it as it happens.

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i notice how people say things down to the inflection of certain words and the pauses they use in-between thoughts and my brain focuses those interactions and it forces me to analyze them and analyze them and analyze them until i’ve fully and totally convinced myself of the (often negative) reasoning behind why that person did or said the thing they did.

which okay yeah, i realize you can’t ever presume to know why another person does or says the things they do but i can’t turn that part of my brain off; it doesn’t matter that i *know* that rationally; my brain doesn’t care.

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i often wish i could shed my BPD like a snake sheds its skin and leave that part of me behind, but i can’t. and it makes me wonder if it'll ever be possible for me - but it also makes me wonder if i should be focusing more on how to live with BPD than getting mad that i'm someone who has to live with BPD. i often end up angry or resentful of myself for the fact i have BPD, but perhaps i just need to learn to get used to the feeling.

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sometimes the amount of effort it takes me to stop myself from saying something i know could devastate the other person or dialing up the fight to another level or making it worse — is so much, like the amount of effort needed to not be a dick or not be an instigator is overwhelming at times. but it kind of also sounds like a cop out to be like “give me points for not being a dick”

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Hi! I uhm have not yet been diagnosed but I’m pretty confident that bpd is the answer to it all as shitty as that is. I’m almost more afraid for it to not be bpd cause nothing has ever made this much sense. But I’m really scared. And you’re in no way obligated to read this or respond but I don’t know. Just, do you have any advice for someone just now realizing and getting diagnosed with bpd?

hello, anon! first, i apologize ahead of time for how long this will be, but there's a lot i want to say. obligatory disclaimer that i am not a professional nor am i a qualified doctor to diagnose anyone, and these thoughts are mine and mine alone and do not constitute a professional's medical opinion/advice. all i can do here is speak my truth and explain my experiences with BPD in hopes that you and maybe others find it helpful.

second, at least with BPD, if you think you have it (i.e. you know you fit 5 or more of the 9 current diagnostic criteria), while of course obtaining a professional diagnosis is great, in this case, it's my personal belief that if you think you have BPD, there's a large chance you do have it. of course there will always be outliers, but for most people, pretending to have BPD or forcing a diagnosis just doesn't make sense. BPD is not something that makes people quirky and it makes life more difficult, not just from a personal standpoint as the person who has it, but the resulting reaction from friends, family, and even strangers you don't know and never will who have something to say on the internet. i don't know many people who'd lie about that and be okay with the negative stigma that persists around those diagnosed with BPD.

most (if not all) people with BPD don't want to have it, but understand they fit the criteria. with certain other mental illnesses and ailments, getting a professional to diagnose them is of course better than self-diagnosing, but i had self-diagnosed with BPD for years before i ever ended up in a psychiatric ward because i 5150'd myself and got professionally diagnosed with BPD. i had quite a strong hunch i had BPD years before a professional came to the same conclusion - but not in a "oh my god yay i'm so glad i have this horribly debilitating illness, woo!" more in a "holy fuck this all makes so much sense, and i wish it didn't, but i know myself, and i know that this is what i have". and getting the professional diagnosis was great in the sense of getting that final confirmation, but even without it, i'd have still considered myself as someone struggling with BPD.

it's okay to be scared. i think i'd be scared of you if you weren't scared - i was downright terrified when i figured out that what i'd been feeling, dealing with, doing, could be attributed to BPD. i hated it, wished it was something else, but the more i read, the more i watched, the more i took notes, the more i realized that BPD was the answer to a question i wish i didn't have to ask in the first place.

before i was diagnosed, i took notes as if i was in a class about BPD. i wrote down the criteria for a diagnosis, and put a check next to every one i fit into with specific notes of how and why i felt i checked that category. chronic feelings of emptiness? check. emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events? check. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment? check. unstable self-image/sense of self? double and triple check. impulsive and damaging behavior in regards to spending/sex/substance use/reckless driving/binge eating? i did all of those things, where only 2 were required to hit this bullet point. quadruple check. anger? checkity check check. unstable interpersonal relationships? fucking check. suicidal behavior/threats? check. paranoid ideation/dissociative symptoms? check. i hit all 9 of these and it "only" requires 5 to hit the diagnosis. so for me, i knew i had it because like you, nothing else made this much sense.

and you know what? i fucking hated it. i got angry at myself for being so fucking broken that my personality had apparently shattered somewhere in early childhood due to my trauma and left me with a gaping, angry hole that i had constantly tried to fill with something, anything. i was beyond angry, i was seething with rage. why did it have to be fucking me? why? i still grapple with "why me?" on the daily with my BPD. i didn't want BPD to be what made sense, but it did. and while i am still incredibly fucking angry with my diagnosis, i've also reached a level of resignation about it. almost a sense of radical acceptance.

my advice is gonna sound fucking stupid because i know how hard much of it is to do and a lot of it takes serious introspection, patience, and kindness (to yourself). my advice would be to truly try to practice self-compassion, self-love - when what you want to do is beat yourself up internally over anything - having BPD in the first place (hell, even thinking you have BPD in the first place), or something you did/said in reactionary anger/rage/sadness/impulsiveness, something you didn't do - anytime you want to emotionally flay yourself over this, the best advice i can give you is to practice the skill of forgiving yourself. of giving yourself compassion to learn and grow as a human who is struggling with something very difficult to live with.

and i'm going to be upfront with you - most times, you will fail. you will not give yourself the compassion, love, and kindness you truly deserve. it's hard to break the cycle of self-rage, hard to convince yourself that you're worth recovery, worth getting better, worth learning to live with BPD and all it entails. but there WILL be times where you catch yourself in moments of compassion and acceptance. they might be few and far between, and they might not feel like much at first, but with time and practice, you will notice moments that you are less critical of yourself and your perceived failures relating to BPD.

for instance - i've been in DBT for a few months now. some of it really doesn't help me specifically (some "action steps" just don't work), but there's a few things that have been pivotal to my growth and have helped. one of those being the not-so-simple act of radical acceptance. of forgiveness. of understanding that you are not the worst person to ever walk the face of this earth, no matter how much your brain will try and try and try to convince you that you are. i have caught a few very very very SMALL moments where i've internally said to myself "well, it's okay that i failed there" or "alright, so i didn't do XYZ, i'll move on and do better next time" instead of beating myself up emotionally/internally over it. and the first time i noticed that happened, a tiny light bulb went off in my head. it was weeks and weeks into my DBT, where i felt i wasn't seeing any changes in myself. but that one, tiny instance where i showed myself compassion? it gave me a faint spark of hope that maybe BPD isn't the death sentence i so often feel it is. and i still do, in a lot of ways, and i'm working to try to manage and cope better, but it's not smooth sailing and more often than not, i am being mean to myself, or unforgiving. but my advice is to try to be aware of those moments, whenever they may come, where you can sense yourself forgiving yourself or being nicer to yourself than you otherwise might have been.

i'm not gonna bullshit you and act like learning to live with BPD is a walk in the park, or that somehow after DBT (should you choose to ever go that route) will result in you being "cured" or "fixed" - at least in terms of DBT, it's not a cure so much as it is trying to instill new habits and coping skills that you will strengthen by repeated use and practice. (and remember, practicing a skill still counts even if you fail to correctly use that skill. practice does not mean you always do things right/correct, it simply means you tried.)

again, it's okay to be scared. please allow yourself to feel that emotion. but leave room for that fear to dissipate at times, leave room to challenge that fear on occasion.

most of all, allow yourself to be. however you feel isn't bad. emotions are messengers, so next time you're angry, ask yourself: what is my anger trying to tell me in this moment? if you're sad, ask yourself: what is my sadness trying to convey? with repeated practice, perhaps you can identify triggers for certain emotions.

practice observing how you're feeling physically in your body, and remember that emotions are not facts. and remember that emotions will come and go, no matter how much your brain will convince you they won't.

that's all i've got for you now, but to you and anyone else who made it this far down - my inbox is always, always open, for anyone and anything. you don't have to be alone. we can be alone together, and i'm just a message away.

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sometimes my gut instinct about someone is right and my brain tells me “see!!?? we were RIGHT about that person hating you!!! don’t you see how intuitive you are and how perceptive you are? you should believe me more when i tell you i’m noticing someone in your life is behaving a certain way because you’re right about it a lot. stop doubting me” (which isn’t a helpful thought but my brain triumphantly thinks it’s protecting me by assuming how others feel about me and using previous “correct” assumptions as definitive proof)

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I’ve been struggling for literally years and your posts are like directly from my brain 😭 you explain it so well

i appreciate this, thank you!! it can feel a bit less lonely sometimes to read someone else's thoughts/experiences and feel like They Just Get It, yk? and while i do hate that you relate in the sense of "i fucking know what you're going through and it's horrible", i do appreciate it in the same sense, it actually makes me feel a bit less lonely (and im pretty prone to loneliness especially relating to BPD). so thank you for reaching out and i'm sending u lots of virtual hugs from my end of the world <3

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i hate how my BPD can live in the sidelines for a while. sometimes it's days, sometimes it's weeks.

but i notice my BPD can lie dormant for the longest time; tricking even me into believing i’ve somehow overcome it or that i’ve healed in any meaningful capacity.

(as if BPD is “only” something to be cured, to be overcome fully, as if shades of grey when it comes to healing and learning to live with BPD don’t exist.)

it can trick me into thinking im okay; im fine — until im not.

and that’s what i hate about BPD. i can be on top of the world until i remember gravity exists and then i can’t help but plummet into a downward spiral.

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the shame that comes with BPD is fucking horrible. i feel ashamed for so many things - namely, having BPD in the first place. im all too aware that too many uninformed individuals have these negative ideas in place of what someone with BPD does or what they act like and it just hurts because i want to scream at them “you’ve got it all wrong!” but they’ve already made their minds up.

and then i get mad at them - they have the luxury of “moving on” from the discussion, and i don’t (but god i wish i could). they don’t have BPD so they can spew their hatred and vitriol and call it a day. i have to exist as someone with it.

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my brain is like a train conductor barely in charge of a train that’s barreling down tracks that are unfinished at the end. i can see the inevitable destruction on the horizon and i know it’s my own doing and i also know i can’t do a damn thing to stop it. sometimes i try to steer the train onto a different course but more often than not i end up crashing and wishing my brain did normal things like shut the fuck up every once in a while.