I don't know if you write for Phainon or not, but if you do, may I request sub! Phainon (with him having a praise kink) getting edged by reader when giving him a handjob, and it ended up making him more desperate to reach that release? Feel free to ignore this request if you're not up for it :)
Jack-off's Cum
[requests are CLOSED for now, please wait till they are open again to send one! thank you ♡]
sub phainon x dom gn reader
warnings/content: teasing + praise kink (phai receiving), little bit of pet play (phainon has a collar + leash and gets called puppy one time), a tad bit of bondage (phainon's wrists are tied up), orgasm denial, grammar + spelling mistakes, let me know if i missed anything
a/n: i am always up for sub phainon. i wanted to top kevin and i want to top phainon, everything stays the same. also do you guys like the titles for my smut. i hope so because they'll always be like this. i will never be serious
word count: 1.7k
𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆝
The Chrysos Heirs, while not revered by all, are held in high regard. All of them had their own unique quirks, but they're supposed to be the saviors of Amphoreus, those chosen by the prophecy. Strong, formidable opponents to defeat the Titans. People to look up to for hope.
I wonder how those same people would react to seeing one of them like this, your mind supplies.
Phainon sits in front of you, you right behind him. Your chest presses up against his back. Your hand on Phainon's cock as you jerk him off, the other one loosely holds onto the leash clipped to his collar. Phainon himself shakes against you. Though you can't see his face, you can imagine the tears in his eyes, the redness of his face. The mere thought of it makes your body feel even hotter.
It's been about… an hour…? of you teasing him. That's your estimate at least. In the haze of the "night" in Amphoreus, you can't exactly recall how long it has been. All you know is that Phainon's just begging for you to let him come already. Not with his words, as his voice seems to have failed him already. His body shakes more against you, hips trying to thrust into your hand to drag him to that high he ever so needs.
Just as he's about to come, you pull your hand right off.
Phainon lets out a loud whine, showing how desperate he is for release. You hold back a chuckle at the desperation he's showing, resting your hand on his thigh. He tries to find some way to push himself over the edge, but a firm tug at the leash makes him stop moving and forces him to take what you're giving him. Well, more of what you aren't giving him. Your fingers absentmindedly trace patterns on his bare, well-sculpted thighs as you and Phainon take a little "break."
Seeing Phainon this desperate to climax made you feel like you were getting more pleasure than him. Having someone so strong and dependable turn weak and whimpering at the slightest touch you gave made your body feel hot in seconds. Especially with Phainon, someone so eager to please. Even on nights like this, where he's desperate for a release you refuse to give him. Of course, he still gets a bit too eager when he's close to release so you do have to reel him in. Whether that's tugging on his collar or threatening to leave him high and dry completely.
A weak whine for attention comes from the man in front of you. It seems you spent too long daydreaming that Phainon couldn't help but call for you. You let you chuckle, your hand on Phainon's thigh moves upward. You pointedly ignore his hard cock, tracing up to his hands that're bound by golden ribbon. To keep him from touching himself without permission, of course. He's always desperate to behave, but getting too lost in the haze could make him unruly. That and gold just looks divine on Phainon.
Your hands continue to move up his abs, brushing against one of his pecs, trailing over his neck, and then stopping right under his chin. Your fingers tilt his head back to rest his head against your shoulder.
Just as you expected, Phainon's face is flushed red from the combined heat and your teasing, tears well in his eyes from the need of you to touch him. It brings a shiver up your spine to see someone that has gone against titans be putty in your hands. You tilt your head down and give a gentle kiss to Phainon's forehead. His skin is hot against your lips and he whimpers. That sound makes a smirk fall onto your face for a split second. The fact just a simple bit of contact right now makes Phainon whimper for more makes the more sadistic side of you light up with glee.
The hand holding Phainon's leash reaches up to run through his white hair. Phainon quickly leans into the gentle contact, a hum of pleasure floats through the air.
"Such a good boy," you lean more to whisper into Phainon's ear.
You hear the most delicious sound exit from Phainon. A high-pitched whimper drawn out into a moan that almost makes you want to stop teasing Phainon and give him what he wants.
Almost.
The hand on Phainon's chin drifts down to his throat and gently presses against his vocal chords. Your other hand still brushes through Phainon's hair.
"Always behaving so well for me, what could I do without you?" you continue to speak praises to him. Phainon continues to eat it up like a dog that's been starved.
Another whimper leaves Phainon's throat. You feel the vibrations against your fingers pressing on his vocal cords. Hearing and feeling the whimpering sounds that leave Phainon's throat makes more sparks of pleasure run up your back. Your hand trails down Phainon's body again, making him jolt when you touch places you've bitten or sucked a hickey into. You stop right above his cock, letting your hand rest there for just a moment.
Phainon's beautiful blue eyes look at you, misty with tears from all the teasing you've been doing to him for the past who-knows-how-long. It's not like you've been keeping track, and you doubt Phainon has any thought left in his head other than the need to come. You chuckle at his puppy dog eyes. He knows that won't convince you. Nothing will until you've had your fun with him.
As much as you'd love to continue staring into his teary eyes, you decide to give Phainon some relief. You lift your hand to Phainon's tip. It's an angry shade of red from all you've done, or really, haven't done. You press your thumb against it, spreading pre-cum to make his cock impossibly wetter. The small contact makes a shaky sigh leave Phainon's mouth. His head moves from your shoulder as his body curls up. His sensitivity must be through the roof. Another feat you're proud of.
You properly begin to jerk him off, lewd noises of your hand running up and down his cock that's practically covered in pre-cum fills the room. As does Phainon's moans. His hips try to thrust into your hand and force you to bring him to the high he craves. Your other hand jerks at his leash and presses down onto his hips to keep him from moving.
"You take what I give you, Phainon. Unless you don't want to come at all?"
Your hand stops moving, sitting right at the base, to accentuate your words. Phainon lets out a shaky breath. Through his haze he seems to understand, giving a small nod and keeping his hips still.
"Good boy," you give him a bit of praise, pressing a kiss against the shell of Phainon's ear. He keens at the praise and leans his head back to rub his white hair against your cheek.
You let out a soft laugh, pressing a kiss against his hair. Even lost in ecstasy and a need for release, Phainon is still sweet. You move your hand off of his cock, earning another whine from him.
"So vocal tonight," you mutter, "not that I mind. Every noise coming from you is simply divine, you know that, Phainon?"
Your hand moves up to his chin, pushing his face to look right at you. His eyes are misty with tears, a few running down his cheeks. You lean forward and lick the tears that stream down his face. His cheeks are hot against your tongue as you savor the saltiness. You pull back to take in Phainon's face again, a sigh leaving you.
"I do love it when you look like this, Phai. So handsome and needy for me. Such a good puppy."
You punctuate your praise with kissing Phainon's lips, which are swollen and red from kissing him before. Your hand travels back down to his cock once again. He moans against your lips and you take your change to slip your tongue into Phainon's mouth, swallowing the moan he lets out as you do that.
Your hand moves quickly as you plan to let Phainon finally come. He has been a good boy for you, after all. Besides the two times he had tried to make himself come, but he had been good despite that. Your other hand still presses down at his hip to remind him to stay still.
The noises from Phainon pick up and get louder. He knocks his teeth against yours as he messily tries to makeout with you in desperation. His body shakes more as he begins to reach the high he so desperately needs.
Your name escapes from Phainon's lips in a delirious cry as he comes. Spurts of white cum eruption from his cock as you slowly stroke him and carry him through his high. His head moves away from yours, trying to catch up on his breath
You pull your hand back once he seems to have come down, letting both of your hands idly rest against his sweating skin. Phainon collapses against you, almost knocking you onto the bed due to his weight. You're able to stabilize yourself, a smile growing on your face.
"Did that feel good, Phainon?"
"Why must you tease me so much," he complains. He sounds tired, which is expected.
"I can't help myself!" you laugh, "you just look so cute begging for release that I can't help it!"
You gently move Phainon to lay on the bed. He looks at you with a curious gaze.
"Where're you going…?"
"To get some towels, of course? We have to clean all of this up, after all," you gesture to the stained sheets due to all the sweat and cum.
"Wh- but we aren't done yet!" In an impressive feat of strength, Phainon immediately breaks the ribbons that were trying his wrists together and stands to get to you. Those poor ribbons…
Ah yes, the Chrysos heirs. Chosen for the prophecy, strong, formidable opponents. Completely insatiable, short refractory period, and effortlessly able to destroy anything you use to bound one. At least, that's true for Phainon.
Phainon puts his hands on your hips, his puppy dog eyes staring right at you. You look away to try and stop yourself from succumbing to his whims. Though, that doesn't work.
using your sweet boyfriend as your little personal dildo :(
he insists he can take it, cumming so many times he's lost track. he lies back, one hand steadily kneading the flesh of your ass, while another shaky hand sheepishly covers his burning face. he's whining, each slam of your hips against his pulling a differently pitched noise from his scratchy throat. he's spent, glistening in sweat, but this sweet, sinful overstimulation is just what he's craved for so long.
you rest your hands on his broad chest, rocking and rolling your sweet cunt over his cock, countless rounds of his cum plugging up your cute little womb. you pry his hand from his face, lacing it with your own instead, and the look he's got on his face right now, is worth every pang of exhaustion.
he's blushing so hard, strands of his hair plastered to his forehead, soaked with sweat. tears tease their way out of the corners of his glassy eyes, going unfocused at the unbelievable pleasure he's getting right now. he's shaking, poor thing, but he wouldn't let you stop until he's totally sure you're finished and satisfied.
"so good... so fuckin' good, mmhm," he slurs out.
he can't even look at you, he knows he'll just end up cumming again. he can't help but praise you, he's so obsessed with the way you're taking him nonstop. he feels the sweet press back when he hits your cervix every other thrust, when he messily and slowly meets you halfway. goosebumps start covering his body, he's so slick with sweat and stimulation that it's kicking his body into overdrive.
and the way you're taking him, tits bouncing, cunt fluttering, he swears he's seeing stars as he cums again, back arching off the bed as he clenches his jaw, filling you up with one more weak spurt of his seed.
synopsis: phainon has been crushing on you for as long as he could remember. Yet every confession he painstankingly prepared himself for never made it past his lips. After countless failed attempts, it seems he requires the help of cupid..or in this case, his professors?
contains: 4.2k wc, modern au, female reader, phainon fumbling to the point where its lowk embarrassing for bro.., pathetic phainon, nerdnon? (he wears glasses here bcs why not), aglanaxa if you squint, characters might be OOC.
notes: guess who lost 5050 hard pity for phainon's eidolons hahhahahhaa...e6 phainon pls come home early im broke </3
i present this as my humble offering..🙏
pls ignore any spelling or grammatical errors..i'll correct them soon enough but it's like 5 in the morning and i can't sleep so i decided to finalise this from my wips and post it..
Phainon remembers the first time he met you.
How could he not?
It was back when Professor Anaxagoras's (Or Anaxa, as Phainon like to call him) had just ended, and Phainon—who had somehow found himself dozing off midway through—was being lightly reprimanded after everyone else had already left.
Not that he minded.
Anaxa only ever did it because he cared—well, in his own way, sharp eyed enough to notice Phainon's habit of pushing himself too far, and stubborn enough to refuse to let the boy go unchecked.
So he walked out of the lecture hall still half-laughing, half-listening, trading easy jokes over his shoulder as he spoke with the professor.
And then he bumped into someone.
No—he walked straight into them.
The next moment, gravity won.
Phainon barely had time to register the collision before he felt himself falling backwards, and he reached out, just to accidentally pull the other person down with him in a messy tangle of surprise and momentum.
It was only after a short while did he process what he just did.
"Shit. I'm so sorry!"
He pushed himself up immediately, voice sharp with panic as his glasses slipped off his face in the movement. He fumbled for them blindly, too panicked to process things properly, his heart already racing with second hand embarrassment.
Internally, he was already calculating every possible way he had just ruined someone's day.
He knew his own strength. All those gym sessions with Mydei weren't just for show—he could almost lift twice his weight without thinking about it.
Which only made it worse.
What if he'd hurt you when he pulled you down?
What if his grip was too hard?
"I—are you okay? I didn't— I wasn't looking where I was going, I'm really sorry—"
"It's ok, really." Your voice cut through the waves of panic in his mind, holding out his glasses to him.
When he finally looked up, reaching out to take them, his breath hitched the moment your eyes met.
Oh.
After that one awkward encounter—though it had been far more awkward for him than it ever was for you—Phainon found himself seeking you out more times than he ever cared to admit.
At first, it was easy enough to justify.
The two of you shared lectures under both Prof. Anaxa and Professor Aglaea, so crossing paths was hardly unusual.
You just seem to be in his vision half the time.
Sometimes you'd end up walking the same corridor after class. Other times you'd find yourselves sitting next to each other in lectures, exchanging quiet comments about assignments or complaining about whatever impossible workload the professor had assigned that week.
Those small conversations gradually stretched into longer ones.
A brief greeting became walking together after lectures. Studying in the library became sharing lunch whenever your schedules happened to align.
Before either of you really noticed, spending time together had become effortless.
With Phainon's easygoing nature and your quiet patience, friendship settled naturally between the two of you, as though it had always been there.
But Phainon wished it didn't stop at just friendship.
He wasn't entirely sure when it had happened. Maybe it was the way you had laugh without holding back whenever he said something particularly stupid. Maybe it was the way you'd always listen so earnestly wheneever someone spoke, giving them your full attention and advice when necessary.
Or maybe it was simply because you were you.
In his eyes, you shone far too brightly to ever be ordinary to him.
Your smile lingered in his thoughts long after you were gone. The sound of your laughter had an annoying tendency to replay itself in his head during times he was supposed to be paying attention. Sometimes he'd catch himself looking for you before he even realise what he was doing.
Somewhere deep inside, in a place he refused to acknowledge even to himself, he wishes that warmth you show to others would one day belong to him alone.
It was selfish.
He knew that.
Yet he couldn't help longing for it—for the chance to be caught in it entirely, to sink beneath it without struggle and never resurface. And even then, if asked, he would have said it wasn't enough.
Eventually, after weeks of talking himself into it (and yapping Mydei's and Cyrene's ear off), he decided he was finally going to confess.
His first confession attempt failed terribly.
He had spent nearly an hour standing in front of the mirror in his room the night before, repeating the same confession until the words rolled naturally off his tongue.
By the time he finally crawled into bed, he'd convinced himself there was no possible way things could go wrong.
The next afternoon, after Professos Aglaea had dismissed the class, he spotted you leaving the lecture alone.
His heart immediately started pounding.
This was it.
He hurried after you, weaving through the crowd until you glanced over your shoulder at the sound of your name.
"Oh, Phainon!"
You smiled.
It was a simple smile—one he'd seen dozens of times before.
Yet somehow, the moment it was directed at him, every carefully rehearsed sentence vanished from his mind.
His mouth opened.
"..Uh...."
Come on.
Say it.
"I.."
Nothing.
His brain, so dependable in every other situation, chose that exact moment to abandon him.
"..Do you understand today's lecture?" he blurted.
The words left his mouth before he could stop them and immediately, he wanted to disappear, hoping the ground would open up and swallow him whole.
You blinked in mild surprise before giving a thoughtgul hum. "I guess? Did you?"
Relief arrived in the form of conversation, and he grabbed onto it for dear life.
"Yep!" he laughed a little too loudly, cringing at himself on the inside as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Hard not to focus when Professor Aglaea has this look that makes you really pay attention.."
You laughed, the corners of your eyes crinkling ever so slightly.
He laughed too, matching your pace as the two of you continued walking down the corridor as though nothing unusual had occured.
Inside, however, he was silently mourning the death of what had been, in his opinion, the perfect confession.
If only you knew.
His second plan never even reached the starting line.
Undettered by the first failure, Phainon adjusted his plans slightly, spending the entire weekened dragging Mydei from one shop to another under the painfully unconvincing excuse that he was 'helping him buy something'.
In reality, he'd been searching for a gift—something small enough not to overwhelm you, yet meaningful nough to accompany the words he'd been trying to say.
Unfortunately, fate seemed to have an exceptional sense of humour.
The very moment he found himself standing in front of a display of adorable chimera keychains, carefully deciding which one you might like most, a familiar voice called out behind him.
"Oh? I didn't know you two liked these kinds of things."
He froze.
Turning around, he found you standing beside Ciphera, who was already grinning far too knowingly for his liking.
Panic seized him at once. Not that you would judge him—of course you wouldn't. But the thought flashed through his mind anyway, and before he could stop himself, he was already scrambling for an excuse.
"Uh! It's for Mydei!" Phainon blurted out before his brain could catch up, immediately pointing at the unfortunate man standing beside him. "Yeah. Mydei likes these things. Notme."
The accusation came so suddenly that Mydei whipped his head around to stare at him, sending him a glare that said 'I'll deal with you later'. Then, as if deciding it wasn't worth the hassle, he simply looked back at you and Cipher with the same calm expression as always.
"What?" He replied plainly. "They're cute."
He reached toward the display and picked up one of the keychains.
"I like Fig Stew."
"They are!" You brightened, stepping closer, eyes wandering over the rows of tiny chimera keychains before picking up one yourself.
A small smile spread across your face as you held it between your fingers. "I like Beagle Coconut..but Fig Stew would probably be second on my list."
"I like Beagle Coconut too!"
The words escaped before Phainon even realise he'd spoken.
You look at him, tilting your head slightly.
"I thought..you didn't like these?"
His smile stiffened.
"..Hahahah..did I?" he laughed weakly, rubbing the back of his neck as his mind desperately searched for something—anything—that could save him.
"I meant.." he nodded once.
"I like them."
Another nod.
"..A lot."
"Oh—"
Before the awkward silence could stretch any further, Cipher clapped her hands together, cutting cleanly through the moment.
"Anyway!" she chirped, already looping an arm through yours. "Our movie's starting soon [Name]! Pink girl and Princess Homebody are waiting. Come on—time is precious!"
"Wait—"
Phainon reached out instinctively, but the word came far too late.
You barely had enough time to place back the chimera keychain before you were already being pulled towards the exit, only managing a small wave over your shoulder before disappearing through the shop doors.
And just like that, you were gone.
The shop suddenly felt much quieter than it had a moment ago.
Beside him, Mydei let out a slow sigh before glancing sideways at his best friend.
"You're unbelievable, HKS."
Phainon buried his face in one hand.
"I know."
He really, really did.
Unfortunately, his third attempt wasn't any better than the first two.
By then, he'd stopped trying to come up with the perfect confession.
Every carefully rehearsed speech had somehow fallen apart the moment he stood in front of you, so perhaps he had been overthinking it all along.
Maybe, this time, he just needed to say what was on his mind and let the words come naturally.
When he caught you alone after class one afternoon, he took a quiet breath before calling your name.
You turned toward him almost immediately, offeringhim the same familiar smile that, despite everything, still managed to make his heart skip a beat.
"What's up, Phainon?"
"I..I've been thinking about you..." he began, rubbing the back of his neck as he searched for the right words.
His courage faltered immediately when he realised what he just said.
"Oh uhm—not in a weird way," he added far too quickly.
The instant the words left his mouth, he wanted to take them back.
Why would he say that?
Now it definitely sounded weird.
You blinked, your head tilting slightly in confusion as you continued waiting for him to explain himself.
"Well..not weird, just.." Phainon let out an awkward laugh, desperately trying to recover, but ever sentence that came to mind somehow sounded worse than the last.
His thoughts tangled together until he couldn't even remember how he'd originally planned to confess.
He sighed, shoulders slumping in defeat.
"..It's not important, actually."
Another forced laugh escaped him as he took a small step back, avoiding your gaze.
"Forget I said anything..bye [Name].." he mumbled, before turning and leaving immediately, leaving you there as you watched him, thoroughly confused by whatever that conversation had just been.
Phainon, meanwhile, spent the rest of the day mentally replaying every second of it, somehow finding new ways to cringe at himself with each pass.
By the time evening came around, he had already convinced himself that it was, without question, the worst confession attempt in the history of confessions.
And yet, despite every failed attempt, every missed opportunity, and every spectacularly embarrassing conversation, he never once gave up.
"Does he have any clue how ridiculous he looks?"
Aglaea paused halfway through typing on her laptop, fingers hovering above the keyboard as she glanced up at the sudden comment. Following Anaxa's gaze toward the office window, she looked down into the courtyard below.
Phainon was, by every conceivable definition, failing to be subtle.
He walked beside you for all of three seconds before falling half a step behind. Then, apparently deciding that was too far, he hurried to catch up again, only to realise he was now walking a little too close.
A moment later he awkwardly adjusted his pace once more, caught in an endless cycle of trying—and failing—to figure out what a normal distance between two people was supposed to be.
Furthermore, everytime you spoke, his head would turn towards you almost instantly.
And when you smiled, so did he.
If he had a tail, it would have been wagging.
"..About as much as you're aware how ridiculous that blanket of yours looks." Aglaea replied flatly before returning to her laptop.
"How dare you. This is a limited edition Dromas blanket. Only 50 were ever made." Anaxa glared as he smoothed a hand over the blanket draped proudly across his shoulders, its repeating droma faces smiling with almost unsettling enthusiasm. "Do you have any idea how difficult it was to secure 3 of them?"
Aglaea paused.
"Three." She repeated.
"One for the office, one for home, and one for my car," Anaxa replied, as though this was a given. "Preparedness is not a crime."
"If you say so."
Anaxa paid her no mind, his attention already drifting back towards the window
"...He's going to ruin it," Anaxa muttered.
Aglaea looked up from her work again, following his gaze.
"Ruin what?"
"That." He gestured vaguely toward the pair of you. "Whatever... that is."
She leaned back in her chair, watching the two of you for another moment. Phainon was saying something with far too much enthusiasm, while you listened with an amused smile that, somehow, only seemed to make him more nervous.
"...He's been like this for weeks, no?"
"No, he’s been at it for way longer," Anaxa corrected.
Another silence settled between them.
Outside, you had just laughed at something Phainon had said—something he very clearly hadn't intended to be funny. They watched as he visibly short-circuited, blinking once before hurriedly laughing along with you, nodding far more times than any normal conversation required.
Aglaea pinched the bridge of her nose.
"This boy…"
"Argh..." Anaxagoras groaned dramatically, throwing both hands into the air before turning away from the window altogether. "I can't bear to watch this anymore."
Aglaea raised an eyebrow.
"I say..." He pointed decisively toward her. "We put our differences aside and help them."
"And why," she asked evenly, "would I do that?"
"Oh, don't act all indifferent now, woman." He folded his arms with a huff. "I've seen you watching them too. You're just as invested in this as I am."
"..."
Aglaea remained silent.
Her eyes drifted back toward the window, watching both you and Phainon for a while longer before she let out a quiet sigh.
"...I suppose," she admitted at last, closing her laptop with a soft click, "we should."
A smug grin immediately spread across Anaxa's face, as though her agreement had confirmed a victory in some unspoken contest between them.
"I knew you'd come around."
"[Name], may I have a moment?"
You paused just as you were about to leave the classroom, turning back to find Professor Aglaea standing by her desk. She offered you a small, polite smile, waiting until the last few students had filtered out before gesturing for you to come over.
You nodded, walking over to her desk.
"Is everything alright, Professor?"
Aglaea folded her hands neatly in front of her.
"I've been looking over your recent assessment reports." She paused briefly, choosing her words with her usual precision. "Your mathematics grades have... declined this term."
You let out a quiet sigh, your shoulders slumping ever so slightly.
"...Yeah." You nodded sheepishly. "I guess it's gotten a little harder lately."
"The course becomes considerably more demanding after the midterm."
"It really does..." you muttered.
A faint smile touched Aglaea's lips before she reached for a single sheet of paper resting on her desk.
"Your mathematics professor intended to speak with you herself," she explained as she held the paper out. "Unfortunately, something came up, so she asked me to pass this along instead."
You accepted it, glancing down in curiosity.
"She has arranged for a tutor to help you until the end of the semester."
Your eyes drifted toward the name written neatly across the top.
"...Phainon?"
Aglaea gave a small nod.
"I believe the two of you already know each other."
Relief washed over you almost immediately.
"Oh!" A smile spread across your face before you could stop it. "Yeah, I do."
That was...honestly reassuring.
You'd be worried you'd end up paired with a complete stranger, someone you'd have to awkwardly stumble through equations in front of while making a fool of yourself.
At least with Phainon...
Well.
He was Phainon.
Embarrassing yourself somehow didn't seem quite as embarrassing anymore.
"I'm sure he'll explain everything clearly," Aglaea said, noticing the visible change in your expression. "He's one of the strongest students in the math department."
You nodded, carefully folding the paper before slipping it into your bag.
"Thank you, Professor."
"I'll let him know to expect you."
As you left the classroom, Aglaea watched the door close behind you before allowing herself the faintest smile.
One problem solved.
Now she just prayed that Anaxa will do his part well for Phainon.
By the time the agreed day arrived, Phainon had already been sitting in the academy library for nearly twenty minutes.
Not because you were late.
Simply because he'd been early.
His notebook lay open in front of him, pages filled with neatly written equations, diagrams and little notes he'd put together the night before.
Looking back on it now, he had probably overprepared.
He'd rewritten half the chapter in a way he thought might be easier to understand, worked through every example question twice just in case you happened to ask about one of them, and even bookmarked a few extra reference books from the shelves nearby.
The familiar sound of footsteps approaching pulled him from his thoughts. He looked up instinctively, only to see you weaving through the bookshelves before spotting him almost immediately.
"There you are." You smiled, making your way over. "Sorry if I kept you waiting."
"You didn't," he replied a little too quickly, shaking his head. "I only got here a few minutes ago."
It wasn't entirely true.
But it wasn't entirely a lie either.
You slid into the chair across from him, setting your bag down with a quiet sigh before pulling out your math book.
"I'm honestly glad the professor picked you," you admitted with a small laugh. "I was worried I'd end up with someone I didn't know."
Phainon blinked.
“Oh?"
"Yeah." You nodded, absentmindedly flipping through the pages until you reached the chapter that had been giving you trouble. "It's less embarrassing asking stupid questions when it's someone you're already friends with."
Friends.
That stung a little, but Phainon still gave you a smile, "Well... ask as many as you want."
"I might regret hearing you say that."
"I probably will too."
The two of you laughed, and just like that, the awkwardness he'd spent the entire morning preparing for quietly melted away.
"So..." he began, glancing over the page before looking back at you. "Which part has been giving you trouble?"
You frowned thoughtfully.
"...Honestly?"
"Mhm?"
"...All of it."
He blinked.
"...That's fair."
"I understand the examples while the professor is explaining them, but when I get home and try the questions myself..." You sighed dramatically, letting your forehead fall onto the open book with a soft thud. "...It's like everything I learned just disappears."
Phainon let out a quiet laugh, more fond than amused.
"I'll do my best for you then."
"...Huh."
Anaxa folded his arms as he peered through the glass window from above, looking down at the library floor below. His gaze lingered on the table near the back, where the two of you sat surrounded by open books and scattered sheets of paper.
"It's seems your plan is working well."
Aglaea stood beside him, her expression unchanged as she observed the same scene. From this angle, Phainon was clearly focused—explaining something steadily, pencil moving across the page as you leaned in slightly, listening with far less frustration than before.
"If you give him something else to focus on," she said after a moment, "he stops getting in his own way."
A brief pause.
"Better than whatever plan you had in mind.”
“I say my plan would have been great too.” Anaxa clicked his tongue. "I'll have you know my plan involves careful structuring of the environment and emotional timing."
“Your plan was too much.”
“We should still try it just to see.”
“Please don’t ruin what I created.”
“Ahh… I’m a little nervous for this exam,” you mumbled, lingering outside the lecture hall with your notes clutched a little too tightly in your hands.
Phainon stood beside you, glancing over at your expression before letting out a small, reassuring smile.
“You’ll be fine, [Name].” He placed a hand on your shoulder, “just keep calm. Watch out for careless mistakes—that’s usually what gets people.”
“Ugh… if I fail, I’ll have to attend extra classes…” you sighed, one hand moving to adjust your bag as your eyes flicked back down to your notes. Your lips moved quietly as you reviewed formulas under your breath, like you were trying to cram the entire subject into the last few minutes.
“You studied a lot,” Phainon said with a soft laugh. “I’m sure you’ll pass, maybe even higher! Like an A?”
“Please,” you muttered, still half-focused on your notes. “If I somehow get an A, I’ll treat you to something.”
That made him pause.
Just for a second.
“Yeah?”
His smile faltered for the briefest moment before returning far too brightly.
“It’s a date then.”
He said it so casually it barely registered as anything unusual, already guiding you forward a step as the crowd around the lecture hall began to shift. You, however, were still too busy murmuring formulas under your breath to catch it properly.
Phainon cleared his throat, forcing his expression back into something normal.
“Good luck, [Name]. I know you’ll do well.”
You nodded absentmindedly, still reviewing your notes as you disappeared into the flow of students heading inside.
Only once you were out of sight did Phainon finally exhale.
“…Please do well,” he muttered under his breath, staring at the closed lecture hall doors for a moment longer than necessary before turning away.
“Phainon! Phainon!”
Your voice carried across the courtyard before he even had the chance to properly turn around. He barely registered what was happening before you were suddenly right in front of him, colliding into him with enough force to make him take a quick step back.
His arms came up instinctively in surprise, then hovered awkwardly for a second before settling carefully at your sides to steady both of you. The sudden closeness made his face warm almost immediately.
“Woa—[Name]…?” Phainon let out a breathless laugh, trying to process the sudden impact while making sure you didn’t lose your balance.
“I got an A!” you said brightly, still pressed close to him.
That alone was enough to shift his entire expression. The surprise faded almost instantly, replaced by something warm and relieved as he relaxed into the moment.
“Oh!” he grinned, genuine pride slipping into his voice. “See? I knew you could do it!”
“It’s all thanks to you,” you replied, pulling back just enough to look at him properly, still smiling. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”
Phainon paused at that, like the words had to settle properly before he could respond. Once it settled however, he was quick to ask.
“Then..! Can we go on our date?”
You blinked, the excitement stuttering for a moment.
“…Huh?”
The confidence he’d just gathered slipped immediately. His hands moved up to adjust his glasses, his gaze shifting away as if the ground had suddenly become very interesting.
“I-I mean… not a date,” he added quickly, letting out an awkward laugh that didn’t quite hide his embarrassment. “You said you’d treat me to something, so… yeah. Just that. Not a date.”
There was a brief silence between you, the kind that made him very aware of everything he had just said.
Then your voice softened.
“It can be if you want.”
Phainon froze.
For a moment, he didn’t say anything at all, like he was making sure he hadn’t misunderstood you. Slowly, he lifted his head again, his expression full of hope that just couldn’t be contained.
“…Really?”
You nodded, a small smile returning.
“Mhm.”
“Well then..”
His voice trailed off.
Words had failed him too many times already. Every confession had tangled itself into something else before it could ever reach you.
So instead, he simply held out his hand, his smile impossibly bright.
insecure!nanami kento finally confesses his feelings to you. ˚.✦
You and Nanami find each other alone yet again.
A mission that ran long, rain that never stopped, both of you soaked to the bone and too tired to speak on the drive back.
You’d fallen asleep against the passenger window of his car, forehead pressed to the cool glass, breath fogging in tiny clouds. He’d carried you up the three flights to your apartment because you looked too exhausted to stand, and you’d let him, arms loose around his neck, face tucked into his damp collar.
He meant to leave the second he set you down inside. He really did.
But you caught his wrist when he turned for the door, fingers curling around the cuff of his wet sleeve, voice thick with sleep and something else.
“Stay,” you whispered. “Just… stay a minute. You’re shaking.”
He was. He hadn’t noticed.
You tugged him toward the couch without waiting for an answer. He sat rigid, hands on his knees, while you disappeared and came back with two towels and the biggest t-shirt you had.
"It's the only thing that might fit you." You pressed your lips together as Nanami glared at the bright green fabric with brat written in black letters.
"It's fine," he said with a kind smile.
You dried his hair with clumsy swipes, the way you might dry a nervous animal, then pushed the shirt into his hands.
He changed in your bathroom with the door cracked because he was terrified to be fully out of your sight for even thirty seconds.
When he came back you were curled on one end of the couch, blanket pulled up to your chin, eyes soft and heavy-lidded. You lifted the blanket in silent invitation.
He sat again. Closer this time.
Silence stretched, broken only by the rain against the windows and the thud of his own heart.
You spoke first, so quietly he almost missed it.
“I really love your hair color, y'know. I don't know if I ever said it to you.”
His breath caught hard enough to hurt. "You called me beautiful once, but you never mentioned my hair."
He hated himself for how unnatural that sounded.
"Oh, yeah. I remember I did tell you that."
“I think about it,” he said before he could stop himself. The words scraped out raw. “Every day. I think about you saying it. I think about you.”
Your eyes widened, but you didn’t move away.
“I think about your hands,” he continued, voice trembling now, “and how no one’s ever touched me like I wasn’t… broken. I think about how much I want—” He stopped, swallowed, tried again. “I want to be allowed to want you. I want to be selfish with you. I’m terrified I’m too much and not enough at the same time.”
He couldn’t look at you. He stared at his own scarred knuckles instead.
“I’m in love with you,” he whispered to his hands. “I have been for months. I don’t know how to say it without sounding pathetic, but I am.”
The silence that followed was the longest of his life.
Then the blanket shifted. Your fingers closed around his wrist and tugged until he finally looked up. Your eyes were bright
“Kento,” you said, voice shaking too, “you are the least pathetic man I’ve ever met.”
You moved slowly, deliberately, like he was something precious that might startle. You climbed into his lap, knees bracketing his thighs, hands coming up to cradle his face. Your thumbs brushed the hollows beneath his eyes, the places exhaustion lived permanently.
“I’ve wanted to touch you for so long,” you said against his mouth. “Every time you stood close enough that I could feel your warmth, I had to stop myself from reaching.”
He made a broken sound and his arms came around you like he’d been waiting years to be allowed. His forehead dropped to yours.
“I don’t know how to be gentle with myself,” he admitted, barely audible. “But I want to learn.”
You kissed him then, like you were proving he was allowed. When he kissed back, tentative and then desperate, you let him. You let him cling, let him shake, let him hide his face in your neck and breathe you in like oxygen after drowning.
You stayed like that until the rain stopped and the city quieted. Until his hands stopped trembling. Until he finally believed, in the cradle of your arms and the soft press of your lips against his scarred shoulder, that someone could want all of him exactly as he was.
When you eventually pulled back just enough to look at him, you smiled.
“Stay the night,” you whispered. “Stay every night you want to.”
He exhaled like a man who’d been holding his breath for years.
“I will,” he said, voice rough. “God, I will.”
nanami kento masterlist a/n: boy i've never written a part two faster
insecure!nanami kento after you compliment him once ˚.✦
You don’t even remember saying it.
It was weeks ago, after a joint mission that left everyone bruised and bleeding. You’d both ended up in the infirmary, him sitting on the edge of a cot while Shoko stitched a gash across his ribs. You’d watched him peel off his ruined shirt with the mechanical efficiency he always has, and the words had just slipped out:
“You’re really beautiful, Nanami.”
He’d frozen. Just for a heartbeat, shoulders locking, fingers curled tight around the hem of his undershirt. Then he’d given that small, polite nod he uses when he wants to end a conversation, and you’d thought nothing more of it.
But Nanami remembers.
He replays it at 3 a.m when the apartment is too quiet and the sheets feel cold against skin he’s never quite liked looking at. He replays it when he catches his reflection in the dark window of the train and hates the way the scars pull, the way his shoulders are too broad, the way his hands look too rough for anything gentle. He replays it when he’s alone in the shower and the water is too hot, trying not to think about how long it’s been since anyone touched him without clinical detachment or violence.
You said he was beautiful, and the sentence sits under his ribs like a live wire.
He starts noticing you more. The way you laugh with your head thrown back. The way your cursed technique leaves faint static in the air that makes the hair on his arms rise. The way you always seem to stand just close enough that your sleeve brushes his when you walk side-by-side.
He catalogs every accidental contact like a starving man counting crumbs.
He starts finding excuses to be near you.
He offers to drive you home after missions even when it’s out of his way. He lingers in the break room when you’re making coffee, pretending to read reports while watching the way your fingers curl around the mug. He volunteers for joint assignments he used to turn down, telling himself it’s efficiency, not the way his pulse spikes when you smile at him across the briefing table.
He starts wearing the sleeves of his shirt rolled higher, just once, just to see if you look. You do. Your gaze lingers on the faint scars across his forearms and he feels it like a touch.
He starts dreaming about your hands.
In the dreams you’re gentle in a way no one ever is with him. You trace the burn mark on his shoulder blade like it’s precious. You press your lips to the jagged line across his collarbone and tell him again that he’s beautiful. He wakes up aching, hard and ashamed of how much he wants it.
He starts touching himself to the memory of your voice saying those words, hating how quickly he comes, how desperately he whispers your name into the dark like a prayer.
He starts writing your name on the margin of papers and then immediately crossing it out, terrified someone will see.
He starts standing closer to you in elevators, close enough that he can smell your shampoo, close enough that if he just shifted his weight your shoulders would touch. He never does. He’s terrified you’ll move away.
He starts hoping, in the shameful part of himself he never lets anyone see, that you meant it. That you saw something in him worth wanting.
And every time you look at him now, every time you smile that soft, tired smile and say “good work today, Nanami,” he feels the live wire spark again, impossible to ignore.
down bad!giyuu tomioka who memorizes the exact way you stir your tea (three clockwise swirls, one tap against the rim) and starts doing it unconsciously when he’s alone, then panics if anyone notices.
down bad!giyuu tomioka who stands three paces behind you during Hashira meetings, close enough to catch the faint scent of your soap, far enough that no one thinks he’s hovering.
down bad!giyuu tomioka who keeps a spare hair tie in his sleeve because you once lost yours mid-mission and spent twenty minutes complaining about flyaways. He never mentions it. Just slides it onto your wrist when you’re not looking.
down bad!giyuu tomioka who starts carrying two rice balls to every training session (one for him, one for you) and pretends he “accidentally” made extra. You always take the one with the seaweed shaped like a tiny fish. He starts shaping them that way on purpose.
down bad!giyuu tomioka who lingers after joint missions, sharpening his blade long after everyone else has left, just so he can walk you back to your estate under the pretense of “checking the perimeter.” The silence is comfortable, but his heart is loud enough he’s sure you hear it.
down bad!giyuu tomioka who starts leaving his haori draped over the engawa railing when he knows you’ll pass by. You always fold it neatly and leave it on the step. He starts doing it more often.
down bad!giyuu tomioka who learns the exact pitch of your laugh (the one you make when you’re genuinely happy, not the polite one) and replays it in his head on nights he can’t sleep. It’s better than any lullaby.
down bad!giyuu tomioka who stands outside your door after a nightmare, hand raised to knock, then lowers it and walks away. The next morning there’s a single persimmon on your doorstep. You know it’s from him.
down bad!giyuu tomioka who starts saying your name in his sleep. Tanjiro hears it once and smiles like he knows a secret. Giyuu pretends he doesn’t notice.
down bad!giyuu tomioka who finally works up the courage to ask you to train together at dawn. Just the two of you. He spends the entire night rehearsing how to say “I like the way you move” without sounding like a complete idiot.
He still sounds like a complete idiot.
You blush anyway.
a/n: this is a repost from my inactive side blog so if you already read this, no you didn't
+18 premature ejaculation with kyojuro rengoku ˚.✦
You had been kissing Kyojuro for what felt like forever, but it was only your second time doing this with him. The first had been sweet and a little clumsy, full of nervous laughter and gentle touches. Tonight though,every brush of his lips against yours sent sparks racing down your spine.
His hands rested respectfully on your waist at first, Kyojuro kissed with his whole heart, the way he did everything. His mouth moved against yours slowly, then deeper, tasting faintly of the sweet buns you had shared earlier. You could feel the heat rising in his cheeks, the way his breathing grew a little rougher with each passing minute. Your fingers threaded through his bright hair, tugging lightly and he made this soft sound in the back of his throat that made your stomach flutter.
You shifted closer without really thinking, craving more of his warmth. Kyojuro’s arms wrapped around you tighter, pulling you in until there was barely any space left between your bodies. His kisses turned hungrier, you smiled against his lips because it was so him. Passionate, earnest and never holding anything back.
“Mm…” you whispered softly, breaking the kiss just enough to catch your breath. Your forehead rested against his, you could see the way his golden eyes had darkened with want.
Before you could overthink it, you swinged one leg over his lap and settled down gently. The moment your weight pressed against him, Kyojuro stiffened, a sharp gasp left his lips and his hands gripped your hips desperately. You felt it then, the sudden twitch, the warmth spreading beneath you as his body reacted instantly. His eyes went wide, cheeks flushing a deep, burning red that spread all the way to his ears.
“Ah…!” He looked absolutely mortified, mouth opening and closing like he wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words. His strong frame trembled just a little under you and he turned his face away, clearly trying to hide how hard he was breathing.
For a second you just blinked, processing what had happened. Then a surprised laugh bubbled out of you, it wasn’t mean, it was light and affectionate, because the sight of your big boyfriend coming undone just from you sitting in his lap was honestly the cutest thing you had ever seen.
He groaned quietly, covering his face with one hand. “I am... so sorry,” he mumbled, voice muffled and embarrassed. “That was incredibly unbecoming of me. You must think I have no control at all. Please, forgive me. I did not mean for that to happen so quickly.”
You gently pulled his hand away from his face, still smiling as you looked into his eyes. “Kyojuro,” you said softly, brushing your thumb along his burning cheek. “Don’t get shy on me.”
He did, though his gaze was shy and uncertain in a way that made him seem even more endearing. You leaned in and pressed a slow kiss to his lips, then another to the corner of his mouth.
“It’s okay,” you whispered. “Really. I actually think it’s really hot.” Your voice dropped a little. “That I can make you feel like that just by kissing you and sitting down.”
Kyojuro stared at you for a long moment, surprise flickering across his handsome face then his shoulders relaxed and his smile started to return, though it was still a bit shy around the edges. “You… you truly mean that?” he asked, hands settling back on your waist. “I was afraid I had ruined the moment. I wanted to make this perfect for you.”
You shook your head, wrapping your arms around his neck and hugging him close. His chest was so warm and you could still feel the rapid beat of his heart against yours. “You didn’t ruin anything.” You nuzzled against his neck, breathing in the slightly smoky scent that always clung to him.
He let out a relieved laugh of his own, the sound rumbling through his chest. One of his hands came up to stroke your back in slow, soothing circles. “You have no idea how much you affect me,” he whispered against your hair as you leaned for another kiss.
Today is Ticket Taker's birthday! Thank you all for your kindness! I've seen so many amazing fanarts and works of art! Thank you so much!
I'm a little delayed, but I finally managed to finish the additional artwork today, even though I still don't like how it turned out >.<
even when i'm quiet, i love you baby, i promise - phainon x gn!reader
naturally, it's impossible to know how to appropriately react to finding out that your lover has intergalactic levels of power.
well, you always had known phainon was destined for great feats and even greater heights, but it was daunting to confront that reality now. he looked so... untouchable with his wings and halo that spanned an armslength, the sight of his second form engrained into the crevices of your mind as you try to comprehend how that beautifully frightening being is someone you have the nerve to deem a lover.
the truth of amphoreus was one blow to your gut, and the second one was approaching now. you know the sound of his footsteps like the flowers know the sun, like the leaves blow to the wind, like the way amphoreus was always fated to reach the new dawn.
one with him in it this time, and that was a gift in itself.
he emerges from the shrubbery not too long after and you watch as his eyes light up, phainon naturally gravitating to you. even after all this time, all these cycles, he gazes at you like he's falling in love for the first time.
"i've been looking for you," is all he says as he sits down next to you on the stone ledge. you glance down at your hands in your lap and hum. "why are you hiding all the way out here? it took me a while to find you."
"i wanted some peace and quiet," you tell him, "i didn't worry you, did i?"
he shuffles closer, knee touching your outer thigh. you don't miss the way that he tries to shrink down, as if finding a way to be in your line of sight, magnetised to your personal space. "no, i just wanted to be with you. what are you thinking about?"
you could be honest. you could be coy. it's a matter of time before the truth comes out to him, he's always known how to pull it out of you.
however, this time it feels like he knows what you're thinking about, he's just waiting for you to confirm it, but his patience was wearing thin.
the dromas in the room; you still haven't asked him about his other form, nor have you properly talked to him since amphoreus took shape again, too overwhelmed by the bizarreness of peace, too helpless in the face of... just being able to do what you wish to do, too uncertain of how to move when there is no time limit on happiness.
this state of tranquility is here to stay. no more chasing prophecies, mad titans, undergoing trials, the warm sky overhead was a testament to that.
"there's a lot that i am thinking about," you say, watching the clouds float overhead.
"am i... in any of those thoughts?"
"plenty. majority," you glance back over to him.
"it feels like you've been avoiding me, y'know," he grumbles and he shuffles around a bit before his head finds comfort in your lap, effectively pinning you to the spot, as if securing it so that you wouldn't run away.
from the conversation or from him.
"i'm still the phainon you know, i'm still your phainon, and i know there's so much i still owe to tell you, but at the end of the day, and if you allow it, i'll come back to you, no matter what."
it's funny that such a powerful being- a majestic, divine, being such as himself, found it worthwhile to proclaim your ownership over him, to devote himself to such an arbitrary thing such as love when he could burn through stars and galaxies and find himself at the apex of creation.
your fingers follow the pathway to his hair and begin playing with the strands.
"can i... see your other... form, please?" you ask.
"are you sure? i mean, i could never deny you of anything but," he raises himself off of you, meeting your eyes. "i don't think you should see me like that."
"please?"
his eyebrows furrow for a second before he nods. he didn't want to make you ask a second time, weak to your whims in the first cycle, and still just as weak after the conclusion, quickly rolling off you and onto his feet.
suddenly, the man standing before you completely transforms in the blink of an eye. a flash passes, not bright enough to hurt your eyes, but fast enough that white hair has turned into blond, his past regal blue, white and black gowns have turned into stone, chest carved with golden cracks form.
his golden eyes are intimidating, a face so perfectly sculpted that it feels like you're seeing the stone statues you loved admiring as a kid. only this time, his presence is so captivating yet chilling, an oppressive warmth radiating from him as he watches you admire him.
"you're... breathtaking."
he laughs. quick, breathy, but relieved that you are yet to run away.
he might not know what to do with himself if you did.
"this ghastly form is nothing more than a vessel for all the rage and hatred that has manifested for thirty three million cycles. you shouldn't... see me like this too long"
you frown, shaking your head. "i want to. it just breaks my heart that life has given you so much pain."
"it's worth it because we are here now."
you open your arms, inviting him into your embrace. gently, with the same care that one would approach a sleeping chimera with, he melts into you. you bring your forehead to his, interlinking your hands behind his neck, feeling khaslana's warmth thrum underneath your touch.
this is the face you could spend your whole life knowing.
"after everything that has happened, i should be the one comforting you," you murmur, traces of a smile lingering in your tone. "i love you. that much will never change."
you watch as your words settle into his mind and he closes his eyes, a breath of relief passing through his lips. then, he kisses you, slow but consuming because now that he has all the time in the world, he can spend forever with you, and he plans on savouring every second.
Seventeen // Took My Bitterness and Made it Sweet [Brother's Best Friend! Phainon x f!reader]
Summary: One summer day when you were thirteen, your older brother Mydei brings a boy over to play. You don’t expect anything good out of boys, but somehow, the boy- Phainon, you learned his name was, seems to want to know you better and include you in everything. Every time you expect nothing and think he’s just here for Mydei, his guileless yearning to be closer to you continues for years. Your denial of feelings and Phainon’s easy and confident persistence seems to complicate whatever was within your heart even further.
A/N + Warnings: Modern!AU, reader is introverted, reader is 1 year younger than Mydei and Phainon, LONG AF 21K WORDS IM SO SORRY, trig identities, Mydei slander (bc he's your brother), extremely self indulgent. I wrote half of these sections while I was in school, so apologies if there are inconsistencies in the writing
Tagging the lovely @zozo-01 since she stuck with this ever since she tagged me in snippet sunday (Thank you Zo, I love you <3)
─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───
Age: 13
At the young age of thirteen, you've already written off boys. They were smelly, mean, and dumb... you could go on. Which is why, when your brother Mydei brought home a friend for the first time, you were not expecting to like him.
It was a random summer afternoon when you were lounging in your room, listening to music while you draw. It wasn't long until you felt like you heard the front door open and close, along with an extra set of footsteps...? You thought you were hearing things- perhaps it was your mom who was walking. But just a second later, you heard an unfamiliar voice.
It's another boy, you think.
For a moment you forget the animosity you have against boys. The memory of your brother dejected and purposely isolating himself last year rings clearly in your mind. Your family had left your town of Castrum Kremnos and moved to the more populated city of Okhema to get a fresh start, especially because of the grief caused by your father. However, this also meant that Mydei would be leaving his friends.
Though you have not had many interactions with them, you knew they were good friends and meant a lot to your brother, even if he didn't want to admit it. A dull ache lingered within your household despite moving to the free and prosperous Okhema.
So you decide to give this mystery boy a pass.
Your tablet flashes, signaling low battery, and suddenly you realize the predicament you're about to be in. Shit. You left your charger with Mydei after his broke, so now you have to go in his room to ask for it.
Did you really have to go in? Your mind goes back and forth between saving your tablet and staying in your room and waiting it out. Looking back in your room, avoiding interacting with the mystery boy and your stinky brother seemed really tempting. You had hobbies! You could definitely find something else to pass the time. But a part of you can't help but be curious, and before you know it, your feet were dragging you to Mydei's room.
You walk as lightly as you could, trying not to alert them of your existence before you were ready to go in. The door was half open, and you hear the low murmur of their voices, along with the electronic sounds effects of what seemed to be punches or shooting. You gulp, overthinking of whether Mydei would even hear you over the video game noises. You knock anyway.
"Yeah?" Mydei's voice calls out. You breath a sigh of relief- at least he heard you. You grab your nonexistent courage and push the door to enter. Keeping your head down, your footsteps hover lightly on his floor as if you were sneaking in. And then your breath catches in your throat.
The mystery boy- A boy sits on the edge of Mydei's bed beside him with a controller loosely in his hand. He looks up at you the same time your brother does, and you get a full glimpse of his face. He was sitting, but he looked around the same height and age as Mydei. White messy hair framing his face, bright blue eyes, and an even brighter smile. Why was he smiling at you?
And was that the scent of wheat?
Your brain barely catches up to the overload of the mystery boy, but Mydei fortunately snaps you out of your trance.
"What do you want?" Mydei's voice is curt and straight to the point as always. You catch the mystery boy stifling a laugh, nudging your brother and whispering something like "how gentle", to which your brother nudges him back subtly. You don't know why but you feel self conscious all of a sudden.
"I-I need the charger." You mutter. Ew. You become aware of how awkward your voice comes out.
"It's on the desk." Mydei replies, quickly focusing back on the video game. You cringe. The desk? The one all the way across the room? Where you'd have to pass this weird smiley boy? Your anti-social self loathes this, and you wish you could cuss at Mydei for not getting the message but alas there is a guest.
Men. They certainly stress women out. Even your own brother.
You feel the hairs on the back of your neck stand up as you swiftly cross your brother's bed to snatch the charger. Okay, you did it, just quickly in and quickly out, easy right-
"Hey."
The white haired mystery boy calls out to you, and you flinch like those cartoon robbers caught in the police lights.
"I'm Phainon." He says with a smile. "Do you wanna play with us?"
Your pupils dart quickly between the boys and Mydei's TV, where some sort of FPS game was paused. The thought crosses your mind so fast, you almost flinch in disgust at the thought of playing this violent video game with boys.
"I- what?" You grimace, though it comes out meek. Phainon only continues smiling, lifting his controller to gesture at the game.
"We're about to enter a lobby, you can join us if you like." Phainon only continues smiling, lifting his controller to gesture at the game. The invite makes your heart beat faster- though you're not sure if you should be flattered or weirded out that you're being included. Mydei seems to voice the latter.
"Why would we do that?" Mydei's words come out blunt as usual, though you don't fault him for it because you also couldn't find a reason to join them, especially when you didn't really enjoy your brother's video games. More importantly, you felt like it was gonna be awkward.
"Um, I'm okay. I don't really like shooter games." You reply, slowly backing off with the charger in hand. Weirdly, Phainon perks up more, still talking to you.
"Then we could play something else. Do you like Mario Kart? Or Party?" Phainon suggests. You and Mydei both give him a grimace like true siblings.
"We don't have to include my sister in everything." Mydei says. From the way he said it, you felt like Mydei briefly told Phainon about you, which doesn’t help with your face burning at the thought of being mentioned.
"I-It's fine, really. You guys play." You say, taking the last word to finally exit. You're at the threshold of Mydei's doorway when Phainon steals the last word, calling out one last thing.
"Maybe next time then."
You almost flinch again, your steps abruptly stopping, and shit. It signalled that you heard him, so now you had to answer. You slowly turn, putting on a smile.
"Yeah... sure." Your answer wasn't confident, and you realize you might have come off as fake- like you were putting on a customer-service smile with an empty promise.
And yet, Phainon- this smiling boy, continues to beam at you like he actually believed you.
You don't trust yourself to not embarrass yourself any further with that interaction, so you you quickly pull your brother's door closed and retreat back to the safety of your room. You sit on your bed, charger clearly forgotten and your posture rigid as a soldier as you reflect on what the hell just happened.
Your heart was beating too fast. Too fast, but... not for a boy, right?
It's ridiculous, you think. Phainon was the guest here- a stranger. There was a supposed to be a sense that playing video games with them was some sort of uncharted territory when he was your brother's friend. But it’s like it has been reversed.
You've met boys before, obviously in your elementary school. They were smelly, mean, and dumb... loud, reckless, and careless... Yet Phainon was strangely not like them. And you were sure as hell knew that none of them ever looked at you like that- like it was normal for you to be there, or that it made sense for you to join. You press your palms to your face, as if wiping it would get rid of your overcomplicated thoughts.
This is so stupid.
Somehow, you get the feeling that you weren't going to forget him.
A few hours later, you realize you actually aren't going to forget the boy. Especially when you find him setting up the dinner table.
Your mother called you and Mydei down that evening for dinner, and you pause for a moment in the hallway as you see the white haired boy still here. You caught a glimpse of him just washing his hands, meaning he was definitely staying to eat. He answers your mother with a cheerful "yes ma'am!" and you make a face- both at the thought of Phainon joining your family for dinner, and the fact that he just called your mother "ma'am".
Your mother calls you and Mydei to set the table as usual. You realize how giddy Phainon looked as you saw him from the corner of your eye, sleeves rolled up and posture upright like he was ready for your mother’s cooking. He suddenly realizes you too.
"Oh, hi again." Phainon's eyes blink at you as he turns away from drying his hands.
"Hi..." You quietly nod to him, and he smiles at you again. By this point, you felt that he could probably tell that you were weirded out by him a little- being a guest and all yet being so comfortable with people he just met. You don't even remember the last time you were comfortable in your own skin. And yet here you were, standing awkwardly at your own dinner table in your own house, while this random boy acts like he belonged here all this time.
For once you latch onto the task of setting the table gratefully, busying yourself with forks and knives in order to not to pay the obvious elephant in the room any mind. You definitely don't realize the way he kept glancing over, and you certainly don't realize how he pulled your chair out for you.
Once dinner was set, your family takes their seat and starts on a nice home-cooked meal. Your mother gets curious and starts asking Phainon questions, since she too realized this was the first friend Mydei brought home. You keep your head down mostly, as you weren't really a part of this conversation. Funny enough, Mydei stays quiet too. Birds of a feather you were.
"How long have you two been friends?" Your mother asks towards your brother and Phainon. Though of course, Phainon takes the lead and answers.
"Since the beginning of the school year. Mydei has been helping me with studying for history." Phainon beams, his head nudging towards Mydei to acknowledge him. "He's really good in that class."
Mydei grumbles something unintelligible in response. It's weird... weird how Phainon's praise for your brother warms your heart. You knew that your brother was good at history, that much was true. But nobody was perfect (and as his sister, you knew firsthand of Mydei's particularly annoying traits such as his attitude). Phainon goes on about how he met Mydei from how he admired Mydei's competitiveness in gym class, but Mydei of course mistaken it for rivalry. You internally cringe at the thought of more boys being over competitive in sports.
Still, the sound of Phainon talking about your brother like he was perfect was... different somehow, genuine- even though that wasn't part of the question your mother was asking. You poke mindlessly at your food, a small smile slipping out as you recognize the hidden weight behind Phainon's polite answers.
Your mom continues to pester Phainon and Mydei with questions, with Phainon answering and your brother contributing the bare minimum. At one point you swear you see your mother rolling her eyes fondly at Mydei's lack of answer. You knew she likely shared the same sentiment as you- thinking how your brother was secretly happy for making a new friend.
"What grade are you going to?" Phainon's voice interrupts your thoughts, and you blink up, realizing that he was suddenly talking to you.
"Oh- eighth..."
"Eighth? Cool. Are you looking forward to high school?"
"I don't know..."
"That's okay. I think high school is gonna be fun! What's your favourite subject?"
"Um, art."
"That's awesome." Phainon says it like he actually means it, which makes your grip on your fork tighten. "Do you draw a lot?"
"Yeah I guess..."
"What kind of stuff do you draw?" Holy moly. You start cringing more, feeling some sort of embarrassment as Phainon presses on with the questions. He really wasn't letting this conversation go.
"Um... just things..." You shrug. You’re not really sure you want to say out loud that you draw silly anime characters at the dinner table. There's a pause, where Phainon just nods at you. It's like deja vu, where you expected the talk to end here. And yet-
"I'd like to see them sometime." He says, smiling. Your heart seems to catch on to the deja vu, doing that strange little jump again like before.
You don't understand it.
You don't understand why he wants to know more about you, or why he's being so polite, or why he keeps trying to include you, or why he's smiling so much. Why it ironically feels physically hard for you to look him in the eye. Going to a friend's house for the first time is typically awkward, is it not? But nothing seemed difficult for Phainon. In fact, everything seemed relatively easy for him.
Dinner continues with your brother and Phainon bantering and bickering like boys do while your mother smiles fondly. Once you finish, you walk quickly back to your room, wanting to be back in the safety within your walls, where you will not be bothered by some stinky-
“Hey!” Phainon calls out to you, and you flinch, stopping in your tracks. His footsteps pad across the floor, with Mydei silently beside him. “I still don’t know your name.”
“It’s (Y/N)…” You reply softly. You would think that your brother would have introduced you, but alas there he stands, anti-social and nonchalant like all boys try to be. Well, almost all boys.
“Well (Y/N), do you wanna play Mario Party with us?” There was the question again, but rephrased with your name with the addition of a more family friendly video game. He was purposely trying to include you, wasn’t he? You pause for a moment, thinking. Phainon grins, pressing on. “Your brother told me that you need help unlocking a minigame in the two versus two mode.”
“But there’s three of us…”
“Yeah. It can be me and you versus Mydei.” Phainon remarks casually. Before you could quirk an eyebrow at the strange pairing, Phainon continues. “Your brother already claimed he would still win.”
And it’s strange, you think. How the stars are perfectly aligning, so much so that it almost seems suspicious. Something prickles at your pride. Mydei has always been competitive with you, but to be honest, playing Mario Party with your brother has started getting boring. Here Phainon was, offering a fresh perspective by fueling Mydei’s competitive spirit and wanting you to join.
You blink blankly at your brother. “…You wouldn’t win partnered with an AI.”
“Yeah? Wanna bet?” Mydei growls immediately after. It earns a chuckle from Phainon, as he gets a first hand experience of you and Mydei being essentially the same person, and furthermore a glimpse of your own sarcasm against your brother. Phainon looks over at you, beaming.
“So, what do you say?”
You look at the boy, whose posture remains hopeful that you would join. Your stomach fluttered again- why? At this point you realize how bad it would be if you declined him again like you subtly dismissed him before. But he was... intelligent, you think. Intelligent in how he phrased his words.
"Partners?"
Phainon is already pushing Mydei's door open like he owned the place (while the real tenant grimaces). His other hand is outstretched to you, and somehow you see the change now. The invite was no longer a push, but a sign of him waiting. This was weird. He's too warm... too-
"Yeah." Before you knew it, a smile slowly spreads on your face, and you take his hand. He somehow lights up even more, giggling with you as he tugs you into Mydei's room, with the shared goal of beating your brother.
⋆⋅☼⋅⋆
Age: 15
Two years ago was when you’d say you officially became friends with Phainon: That day he was first invited to your house by Mydei.
You remember playing Mario Party with the boys, which turned into a whole marathon of video games. But you also ended up learning about Phainon. How he actually lives very far from school, in the countryside of Aedes Elysiae. Little things like how he wanted a video game console, but found it useless if he no one to play with- hence why he was so excited to get the invite from Mydei to play video games at your house.
As you finally come into your own in high school, you don't freeze up anymore whenever Phainon comes over. He’s starting to get taller and his voice has lowered, but you barely realize it because of how often you see him. However, there was still the notion that Phainon was more of Mydei’s friend than he was yours. They were classmates first after all, but now that you knew him better, you felt like being in his presence more.
"Mydei, I need help with homework." You blurt out as you dump your bag on the couch as you come home. Mydei and Phainon were already there, sitting at the dining table, heads buried in their notebooks. Mydei clicks his tongue.
"What homework?" Your brother grumbles, already dreading your request and dramatically setting his pencil down. Phainon peers over at you behind him.
"Trig stuff." You reply casually. Mydei lets out a groan.
"No."
"What?!" You shout, immediately getting defensive. In times like these, you're reminded how obnoxious your brother is. Not that you ever forgot. "I have a quiz soon."
"I'm busy studying for my own test. Figure it out yourself." Mydei says. You catch the subtle sound of Phainon snickering behind your brother, and you get suspicious of whether he was laughing at you. Little do you know, the white haired boy caught a glimpse of Mydei's notes- messy and full of frustrated scribbles, because he too was struggling with trig stuff. Of course, he didn't want to admit it.
"Mydei, please. You're not saying no because you suck at trig too right?"
"No, I'm not." Mydei replies curtly. It was a lie of course. Again- birds of a feather you and Mydei were... both struggling with maths. You thought you could at least rely on your brother since he had at least a year of experience. But still, he waves you off. "Ask someone else."
You were about to open your mouth to argue, when-
"I can help." Phainon leans out for you to see him, offering his services easily. A beat of silence goes by until you and your brother both shout what?! without any shame.
What was it you said earlier? You don't freeze up anymore whenever Phainon comes over?
The hairs on the back of your neck prickle again, and you start feeling self conscious... like when you were thirteen meeting Phainon for the first time. Your notebook and past quiz that were prepared in your hands, slowly hide themselves behind you as if to back off. You knew your notes were messy- maybe even more than your brother's. But worst of all, your equations were half finished, red marks on your previous quiz with see me after class as the cherry on top.
You really don't want Phainon seeing this.
“I-It’s fine… I don’t want to bother you guys.” You try slowly backing away, hoping the boys would get the message that you changed your mind. Phainon only continues to smile, disregarding your stance.
"It's okay. I don't mind." He shrugs, already walking to the other side of the dining table so you could sit next to him. Shit.
Your brother rolls his eyes, seeing this as a sign for him to leave and study in peace. Wait, Mydei- He wasn't supposed to leave you alone with Phainon! He's so stupid!
"Whatever, I’m going somewhere else to work. Just don't fail her." Mydei glares one last time before dragging his stuff into his room and slamming his door like a princess, leaving you alone with Phainon.
"I won't." Phainon says simply, his arm resting on the back of the chair. He looks up at you, who was still standing there, and you flinch.
"Do you wanna come over here?" He asks. Your cheeks go warm at his... gentleness. You couldn't quite put your finger on it, but there was a tiny part of his voice that sounded like he was teasing you. Still, you walk over, stiff as cardboard as you awkwardly sit in the chair next to him with your disappointing notes in hand. Immediately, you become aware of how close Phainon was, so you unconsciously shift your chair a little further from him, purposely distancing yourself. An awkward silence occurs for a good minute, until Phainon notices something and laughs quietly, looking at you.
“...What?” You stammer, your pupils flickering back and forth between him and the floor.
“Hm?” Phainon tilts his head as if he was an innocent puppy, though you knew he was far from innocent. Did he have to keep staring at you like that?
“What are you looking at?” You ask almost curtly, attempting to shoo him away.
“What am I looking at?” Phainon repeats your question with a knowing grin.
God, why did Phainon have to be so stupid? He truly didn’t know the effect he had on you- making you forget how to speak despite him coming over to your home for years and teetering off embarrassing yourself whenever he spares you a little glance.
But that’s just the thing, isn’t it? It wasn’t just a small glance to you.
Things like going the extra mile to help you with something you struggled with, being persistent in including you… Realistically, it didn’t mean anything special but oh, at the same time it definitely did. Why else did you wish you had looked in the mirror for before this, wondering if you should fix your hair a little before seeing Phainon? Why else would you think about changing into something that makes you look less like a bum? It was a little crazy now that you think about it. Mydei would definitely say something about it for sure. Something like “Why the fuck did you change your clothes when we’re in our own house?” to which was a valid argument- one that you didn’t want to have. So you usually end up doing nothing, but overthinking it anyway.
Phainon speaks again, seeing as you’ve seem to have gone silent for some reason. Thankfully, it stops your intrusive thoughts, but in turn makes your cheeks heat up a little.
“I’m looking at you because you’re sitting so far from me.” Phainon’s mouth curves upwards, his tongue teasingly between his teeth. He gives a playful pout. “Are you scared of me?”
You watch as Phainon grin turns into a playful pout. You realize what he meant with you sitting all the way at the end, accusing you of avoiding him or something.
Still, you deny it. “N-No…”
“Well then-“ Phainon lets out a soft grunt, and you get a little startled when you notice his foot hooking through the leg of your chair to bring you closer. That home-y scent of wheat wafts through your nose as soon as he got you where he wants.
"Okay, show me what you've got." He says. You cringe, still cosplaying as cardboard as you slowly slide your embarrassing notes and past quiz over. He looks it over silently, and you hold your breath.
"Hey," Phainon looks at you with a certain softness, something you definitely weren't expecting after your atrocious quiz score. "This isn't bad."
"I-It's not...?" You think he's making fun of you. Phainon shakes his head with a smile.
"No. To be honest, I struggled with trig identities too. I think you're overthinking it, let me show you how I did it..."
Phainon teaches you how to approach the math questions you struggled on, and you start questioning whether he was lying about struggling on this too. From how he was explaining it to you, it's like he never struggled at all.
Then again, the only tutor you've known is your brother, so your standards are pretty low.
It's somewhat hard to concentrate as Phainon points out certain things and watches you do questions. He's close- really close. Your shoulders would be brushing if you hadn't purposely leaned away. It was so much so that you notice the little crease in his brows and the way he bites his lip when he's concentrating.
"See? You're getting it."
What was this...? Your heart starts doing those stupid little flips again, but you’re not sure if it’s just your brain mistaking it as nostalgia. Because it was the same way he was kind and patient with you two years ago. The same way he stayed for you at your dinner table despite you being difficult. The same way the smell of his hometown consumed you. The same way he continued to smile at you like it costs him nothing.
"What?" Phainon asks, softly glancing at you. You snap out of your trance and realize you were staring at him- daydreaming. How embarrassing.
"N-Nothing." You reply too quickly, ducking your head. Still, your eye flits back to him to peek, and he was smiling anyway. A warm feeling courses through your body, and you suddenly feel extremely comfortable. An idea comes up. "Can you help me with my English essay after?"
Phainon laughs, indulging you. "You need help with that? I thought your brother would be better with words."
You make a face at him, thinking, since when Mydei was good with poetry?
"You know- words like fuck and dumbass." Phainon clarifies. You laugh, realizing he was being sarcastic.
"That's exactly why I need help." You explain, and Phainon chuckles with a nod.
While you were being tutored, you shyly asked him why the heck he was even doing this- why he was willingly tutoring you when he had his own things to do, and didn’t have to in the first place. He only smiled a little, saying, “I like helping you.” You sputtered, exasperated as you questioned him, not being able to wrap your head around why that was a valid reason. But the implication was forgotten because he just made things easy for you. It doesn’t pass Phainon’s mind, but to be honest, he didn’t mind.
At some point, your eyes start drooping and getting heavier. Your textbook and notebook pages get blurrier. You feel your neck giving up on you, making your head lurch forward a few times.
“You falling asleep?” A soft voice whispers in your ear.
“No…” Even the dullness of your tone betrays you.
Phainon chuckles, and you get a little embarrassed. No, you cannot fall asleep at this point. Not when Phainon was right beside you. What if you drooled? Or snored? Mydei was always complaining about your snoring, and even though you were in denial, you get self conscious at what could happen. You force your eyelids open, but they only get heavy once more.
Before you knew it, your head fell to rest on a squishy pillow. The pillow briefly shakes beneath your cheek just before you passed out. How embarrassing- you eventually did use him as a pillow. You need to get up, but you don’t. It was mostly because you were tired, but perhaps a teensy tiny part of it was because you never wanted to leave.
You were drifting deeply into dreamland for who knows how long, and by how soundly you were sleeping, it seemed like you never wanted to wake up. That is, until something soft taps at your shoulder. Your eyes don’t really open until the tap happens a second time.
“There you are.” A soft chuckle reaches your ears, and you finally realize the predicament you were in.
The first thing you saw was Phainon, and you realized that he was sitting much closer than expected, and close enough that you could make out the little crinkle in the corner of his eyes as he smiled down at you.
“Hi.” He says again, softly greeting you, seeing as you haven’t fully woken up. Your brain seemed to be blissfully empty in this moment, simply savouring the view without informing your body to move. It doesn’t last long though, since Phainon slowly tries to extract himself from you without jostling you too much. “Was my lesson really that boring?”
You don’t even have the energy to respond, your eyes barely opening, though you hear Phainon’s voice fading in and out.
“I have to go now. (Y/n)-” Phainon chuckles sheepishly as he attempts to pull his sleeve caught from under your weight. “(Y/n), you need to wake up for me. Your brother’s gonna get mad at me again.”
“Mmph- y-you’re leaving now?” You suddenly scramble to fix your hair, sitting up properly to look at Phainon who was already reaching for his jacket. He turns back to you with a smile.
“It’s late.” He simply says. And he was right. As you looked outside, you could see the sky already pitch black. Just how long were you out for? What time did you fall asleep? Did you really lay on Phainon’s shoulder for that long? The thought makes you blush. You glance down at your forgotten trig homework, and see a bunch of sticky notes written with arrows and small notes for each question.
“Oh.”
Phainon seems to notice the mortification slowly creeping on your face at your brilliant response. He laughs under his breath.
“I’ve written down some notes for the last few questions you had. I hope they’re helpful in some way.” Phainon seems to be in deep contemplation, like he was thinking back to his notes and hoped they sufficed. He decides not to overthink it or potentially stress you out even more. So he smiles and waves, heading towards your door. “See you tomorrow.”
“Goodnight…” You managed to squeak as he left.
As your front door clicks shut, you collapse forwards on the table, simply staring at your scattered homework in silence. The living room felt strangely warm despite Phainon having already left. The scent of wheat lingered, the subtle air of his breath when he leaned in to explain something better, the feeling of his shoulder beneath your cheek- his entire presence lingered.
Mydei casually walks down the stairs, his eyes flickering between the door and you. He leans forward on the table, looking down at you with the same arms-crossed, unreadable expression on his face. Though it was the same perpetual look of mild judgment he always gave, this time you felt like he could be suspecting something else.
“What…?” You say with a hint of attitude in your tone, side-eyeing your brother who clearly had something on his mind. You hated when Mydei did this.
“Nothing.” Mydei shrugs, reaching forward for the now stale popcorn. The silence continued to stretch, making you uneasy. “...Were you sleeping on his shoulder?”
“I- No…“ Smooth.
Mydei’s eyes narrow at you, getting skeptical from your very convincing answer. Fortunately, he scoffs and doesn’t address the secret you thought he was going to, but unfortunately, he decides he’s not going without a jab at you. “God, sleep on your bed next time.”
Your eyes widen in embarrassment, realizing that Mydei did indeed catch you sleeping on his best friend’s shoulder.
“S-Shut up Mydei!” You knowing he was teasing you for drooling on Phainon’s shoulder.
Mydei doesn’t even breaking eye contact with you. His gaze remains fixed, blinking blankly like he’s expecting something yet also wanting to ask something. You’re caught between deciding to stay silent or throwing something at him because you knew he was teetering off pointing out a certain something between you and Phainon. Why couldn’t you talk to your brother about other things? Trying to have a normal conversation with Mydei was like trying to argue with a brick wall that occasionally made blunt remarks and observations about your life.
“You seem... happy.”
You stared at Mydei, your heart skipping beats- though you weren’t sure if it was because you were anxious or the fluttery feeling of actually admitting what Mydei was likely referencing. The thing about having a sibling was that you would be fluent in their lies, but the biggest problem was that they would be fluent in yours too.
Because later that night, after denying everything to Mydei which you were sure sounded suspicious- you realized the thought had finally taken shape.
Fuck. You looked forward to seeing Phainon. And it’s not like you haven’t, but after months of avoiding the question altogether, you slowly started to come to the terrible conclusion that your heart was craving his presence. There was no way you were going to get rid of the thought since you acknowledged it.
You knew Phainon didn’t come here to tutor you, and he too had work of his own and things to study for. Phainon had stayed. And even though you made him explain the concept four times, and continued cringing over trying not to break over trigonometry, your previous feelings of thinking you were a bother eventually seemed to disappear. He was patient with you, and never sounded annoyed, which in turn ruined your life in the way that you never stopped thinking about this moment.
You felt like you could depend on him comfortably without judgement or impatience. And he would let you take up as much of his time as you asked him for.
⋆⋅☼⋅⋆
Age: 17
Ever since that night when Phainon helped you with your homework, you felt like you could be more carefree around him. Before, Phainon was just Mydei’s friend. Just a boy, who was annoyingly good at everything and nice in a casual way that easily made people gravitate towards him.
At seventeen years old, you think you know better. You were an adult, applying to universities, and thinking about careers.
You think you've matured. Which is why crushing on Phainon feels childish now.
You've admitted it internally in your head, that you've had a crush on him. A baby one at least. Over the years, you've watched him grow and you considered him a friend like your brother did. But somewhere throughout the multiple times he came over to your house, you found yourself finding every part of him attractive. It wasn’t your fault though, that he hasn't stopped with his whole golden boy persona. He was good at everything, liked by everyone, and fine, you'll admit he's cute. But he's eighteen now, already graduated and in university. So, you start seeing less of him.
And because you've matured, you pushed your silly little crush deep deep down early in the year.
Besides, there was a guy in your grade who you've been liking for a while now. You talked often with him, and he was funny and clever. You play the same video games, and share the love for art. He was super attractive too, and him teasing you lightly and seeking you out only made you fall harder. But you mistake the laughter and banter for warmth- for the kind of connection you yearned for.
Near the end of the school year, you finally admitted it to the boy. Your feelings, out on a plate that trembles from your shaking hands and pounding heart and... he laughs.
"Wait, you thought I was serious?"
The words hit you and you instantly become hollow. You don't even remember the rest of what he said. Something about how he never saw you in that way. But all you could focus on was the little scoff, the awkwardness, the laugh. The humiliation replayed in your head all day, and you realized too late that the teasing was never friendly, and that your feelings were more disposable than you thought.
By the end of the school day, you feel nauseous. Ironically, not from the pit in your stomach but from how you didn't know how to keep your face from not looking nauseous.
And to make things worse, you had to keep a not-nauseous face in front of your brother... and Phainon, who were both picking you up after school.
You think you were doing a good job- purposely walking three steps behind them and looking down, lest they see you secretly wiping your tears. But as the three of you walk to the bus station, Mydei's eyes widen as he catches the sight of your reddening nose.
"You okay?" Mydei asks suddenly. You blink up, and fuck- even your eyes couldn't hide how puffy they felt.
"I'm fine." You reply. But your voice is croaky, and your sleeve suspiciously in front of your nose.
"You're crying." Mydei observes.
"I said I'm fine." You turn away defensively. Mydei's jaw gets tight, and he steps closer to you.
Panic and anger starts flaring up between you and Mydei, the two of your snapping and cutting off each other.
"What happened."
"Nothing."
"Who did it then?"
"Nobody."
"I know it wasn't fucking nobody."
"Just drop it Mydei!"
Phainon steps in gently with his hands raised between you and your brother. "Hey, let's just get to the station, okay?"
You almost forgot Phainon was there. You didn't want to know what he was thinking, and in the moment you didn’t care. Mydei glares at you, growling as he turns to keep walking to the station, reluctantly following Phainon's advice. You follow the boys silently, your heart hammering. It's embarrassing you think, how you've just argued with your brother out in the open like a child. You were eighteen for fucks sake.
The bus ride was painfully quiet between the three of you, and you didn't dare look up from your feet. After a while, Mydei speaks again.
"Was it that guy?" Your brother's voice low, but clearly aimed at you. You start getting nauseous again.
"No." You lie. It was small and desperate. You almost cry when you see your brother shaking his head from the corner of your eye. Was he disappointed in you? For lying? Because of the guy in your class? You weren't sure. Still, you knew you should never have told him. Mydei says nothing.
When you finally reach your home, you don't wait to rush straight to your bedroom, slamming the door behind you. You drop onto your bed, face flat into your sheets as you sob into them, hoping they muffle the sound. You feel so stupid.
Meanwhile, Mydei stomps into the house, shoulders rigid with anger as he violently sits on the couch, his fingers pinching his brows. For once, Phainon is nervous to enter further into your house. Even with uncertainty and a small ache in his chest, he approaches Mydei.
"Are you okay...?" He asks, slowly putting his bag down. A long silence passes, and Mydei doesn't even look up at him.
"Do whatever you want." Mydei says, not even answering Phainon's question. Okay- so obviously Mydei (and you) weren't okay. Phainon sits beside him anyway. He eventually convinces your brother to go wash his face to cool down.
An hour passes, and Phainon realizes he was alone. Actually, he realized it a lot longer ago, when he heard the sound of the bathroom door closing... and then Mydei's own door.
This should be awkward for him. Being promised a normal hangout but now being left alone in a house that isn't his, where both his friends were upset. Against his better judgment, he softly walks down the halls to your door. He hesitates a little before knocking lightly.
"Hey... are you okay…?" He asks.
On the other side of the door, you gulp, swallowing your sobs for the nth time. You stay silent, both from not knowing what to say and not wanting to face him.
"I-I don't need to come in." Phainon continues cautiously, and you keep quiet. "I just wanted to know if you were okay..."
You shouldn't be replying to him, not now. Even so-
"I'm not." Ew. Your voice comes out watery and snotty. Weirdly enough, something in Phainon's chest breathes a sigh of relief at hearing your voice.
"Can I sit with you?" He asks immediately after. "We don't have to talk."
You hesitate again. Every nerve in your body is telling you no- that you should keep the door locked and not let him or anyone see you like this. But Phainon's voice was gentle, just like you've always known, and- ...this is so dumb.
"...Fine." You mumble, creaking your door slightly open.
Phainon immediately pushes the door wider. His heart sinks when he sees you with red swollen eyes and hunched shoulders. But you don't even notice- in fact the only thing you do notice is the ghost of a hopeful smile just before he crushes you with a hug.
"Hey," He murmurs, as if greeting you after not seeing you for a while. "I've got you."
You stiffen for a second. The hug wasn’t even that tight, his grip light and loose like he was afraid of breaking you. His hold remained respectful, and so you let yourself melt into him, chin resting on his shoulder even if it was for a few pathetic seconds.
He pulls away eventually and gestures for you to sit back on your bed while he sits on your chair. You’re hoping Phainon doesn’t notice the disgusting tissues piling up in your trash can.
“Do you… wanna talk about it?” He asks softly. And it’s really none of his business. But at this point you’re desperate and you’ve already let him in your room. So, you tell him.
You tell him everything despite the moments making your face hot with humiliation. From how you thought your shared interests and teasing with the guy meant something, to how you stupidly convinced yourself it was mutual. Somewhere along the line you also slowly realize how delusional you must have been. The boy simply didn’t like you because he didn’t see you in that way- no fault in that. But was it so bad to think that something could have came from it?
You shakily recall how much you trembled during your confession, voice and body and all. It should have been a sign since then. So, the answer is yes.
“I feel so stupid.” You blurt out, rubbing your eyes again. “
“Don’t say that,” Phainon coos softly. “It takes guts to confess. I’m sorry it turned out this way.”
“You are…?” You sniffle.
“I thought he would have liked you too.” He explains matter of factly. “Anyone with the same dynamic would have.”
Suddenly, a bitter type of anger twists within your stomach.
I thought he would have liked you too. Anyone would have.
Phainon’s words were kind, but you felt that they were too kind for the utter stupidity you subjected yourself to. You think about how some of your classmates knew of your playful rivalry with the boy and started encouraging it. You think about the nights you spent up texting your friends, secretly giggling and squealing over every little interaction and replaying conversations you had with the boy. You think about how much time you wasted.
And then it hits you- how stupid you look right now. Crying, eyes swollen, puffy nose, and your voice all watery and wobbly… with Phainon watching all of it. Heat starts flooding your face again, and before you knew it the bitterness was tumbling out of your mouth.
“You don’t know anything.” You mutter quietly. But Phainon hears it.
“What-“
“You don’t.” You stand up suddenly, your change in demeanour now prevalent. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”
No wait-
Your seething words get to Phainon, the corner of his eyes turning downwards, heart aching. You immediately feel the guilt and shame, but it’s too late.
“I’m not.” Phainon replies quietly. Somehow, his tone was normal- unaffected even after the bitterness from you. For a second your heart wants to double down. But your words tell a different story.
“Yes, you are.” You refuse to make eye contact with him, but your message remains clear. “Just- Just get out. Please.”
There’s a pause where a small part of you hoped that Phainon would stay. But of course, your words have already left your mouth and told him otherwise. Phainon stands up, a deep sigh coming out of him. He nods once with a bittersweet smile as if accepting something he doesn’t want to.
“Okay… I’ll give you space.” Phainon says softly. He hesitates at your door for a bit. “I’ll be outside if you still want to talk…”
Phainon finally leaves, making sure to close your door for you. Almost immediately, you start crying again, though the embarrassment lingers longer than the tears. Curled within your blankets, your mind can’t help but replay the moment, finding a new detail to hate each time. You shouldn’t even be crying this much. Even as you found yourself liking this boy throughout the school year, you internally told yourself to prepare for the chance of heartbreak. You couldn’t expect everything to be a happy ending, right? Yet as you become aware of the sorry state of yourself now, it seems to be more painful.
Because maybe, a small foolish part of yourself thought that he might say yes.
The more you thought about it, the more humiliating this whole thing felt. The butterflies, the daydreams, the hopeful little fantasies you built in your head- how arrogant were you to think someone would like you back? The answer should have been obvious from the beginning.
On the other side of the door, Phainon stands there for a moment with a heavy heart as he hears your muffled sobs and sniffles. He’s about to turn and walk back to the couch when suddenly- a familiar pair of footsteps approaching make Phainon snap up. Mydei.
The boys both look at each other with wide eyes, not knowing where to start. Phainon’s mouth opens though nothing comes out, while Mydei stands there with an unreadable expression and his arms crossed.
“I-I wasn’t- I mean- I was just…” Phainon trails off, not really making any sense.
“I know.” Mydei replies while letting out an exhale. Phainon’s half relieved but also half confused. He knew Mydei was quite protective of you, but he surprisingly wasn’t mad at him for talking to you after a meltdown. Mydei opens his eyes, but avoids looking towards your bedroom door. “Was it about that guy…?”
Phainon is torn between telling his best friend and respecting your privacy. It was hard when Mydei was already this perceptive- what else was there to hide?
“Nothing gets past you, does it?” Phainon sighs with a meek smile. A neutral answer, yet it told Mydei everything he needs to know. Your brother doesn’t press on for information, only deeply exhaling again while walking towards the living room.
“I’m bad at this.” Mydei mutters, flopping on the couch. Phainon curiously trails after him. “You’re better than this than me.”
Phainon blinks, then rounds the couch to sit beside him. “That’s not true.”
“She talked to you, not me.” Mydei says flatly, rubbing his hands on his face. Phainon swears he saw the corners of Mydei’s eyes still recovering from redness(?) but he decides not to comment on it. He thinks back to your red eyes, and how he wished he could have comforted you more.
“I know you… never really liked that guy in the first place but,” Phainon says, giving a hopeful smile. “She needs you more than me. Even if she doesn’t say it.”
“And…? I’d just make things worse.” Mydei lowly protests. “I don’t even know what to say.”
“Yeah, you probably would.” Phainon pokes at Mydei, and his head snaps towards him giving him a glare. Phainon chuckles, though he knew his friend would know that he was half joking. Phainon offers a weak smile. “But at least it meant you tried.”
A beat of silence hangs in the air, but it wasn’t heavy this time.
“I’m sorry.” Mydei says, his voice low. Phainon’s ears perk up, unsure if Mydei really meant that.
“What did you say-”
“I said go home.” Mydei deflects, facing away from him. But even with the unsaid words, Phainon knew his friend had a lot of heart, and didn’t mean to cause this conflict and awkwardness. Mydei picks up Phainon’s bag and throws it at him. “I’ll talk to her later…”
And finally, Phainon breathes a sigh of relief, having a gut feeling that this would resolve itself soon enough.
⋆⋅☼⋅⋆
Age: 18, start of university
It’s been about almost a year since that argument you had with your brother about that stupid crush.
Mydei did end up knocking on your door that night, and you had a talk. It wasn’t perfect by any means- there was still some frustration and shouting. Mydei kept telling you how he knew he should have trusted his gut on how that guy was bad. You kept telling him that it wasn’t his business, and that you could take care of yourself. You weren’t a little kid anymore.
Eventually, the anger fizzled out and Mydei remembers that the whole reason for this conversation wasn’t about being right.
You both sit in silence for a while, until Mydei gives you an awkward side hug, murmuring about how that guy sucked. If it was anything you could agree on now,
“You’re not serious about beating him up are you?” You ask incredulously.
“Yeah I am. Got a problem?” Mydei replies without an ounce of care. You roll your eyes.
“Um yes, there is a problem. An ethical one.” You say like it was obvious- because it was!
“Who gives a shit?” Mydei shrugs. You can’t help but laugh at Mydei’s straightforward yet completely honest answer, because truthfully you would probably think the same if it weren’t for repercussions. You knew you couldn’t change anything from what happened, though a part of the embarrassment still remains deep in your heart. You decide to do your best and move on- and more importantly, you didn’t want to argue with your brother, or stay mad at him for his way of thinking.
Later that night, you also made sure to text Phainon, and you get a reply back pretty quickly.
(Y/N): I’m sorry for snapping at you earlier. I really appreciate you coming to comfort me, even if I wasn’t accepting of it.
Phainon: There’s no need to apologize. I understand you were hurt.
For a moment you stare at the screen. Even with all these years knowing Phainon, his gentleness still astounded you.
Phainon: You’re tougher than you think. Always have been.
You smile at the text. Stubborn would have been a better word, you think, especially with Mydei as part of the context. Still, this was the last time you saw Phainon before entering university, which made things slightly awkward. Things are resolved, but you still can’t shake off the fact that the last impression you had was bawling your eyes out in front of him, and then snapping at him right after.
The summer passes quietly after that. You don’t see Phainon much since you were preparing to start your own journey in university. You were ready for things to change.
Well, most things. Mydei was still protective of you, and you suddenly see a (less nice) carbon copy of your mother following you into the post-secondary life.
Make sure you lock your doors, I don’t care if you’re just going for a coffee down the street. And don’t walk home alone when you have night classes. Holy moly, it was barely even the first day and he was already giving you orders like it was boot camp. Still, you don’t fault him for it. You figured you’d catch yourself forgetting something like that eventually, since these seemingly “normal” procedures might not be the first thing you think of.
Speaking of your first day and Mydei- he insisted on picking you and your friend up after the orientation party.
“Please don’t tell me that stupid mascot was there.” Mydei groans.
“It was.” You reply, giggling as you and your friend hop in the backseats.
“I thought they’d stop doing that, bringing him to all these campus events.” Mydei scoffs, then mumbles something about how the mascot was just dancing in a corner. Clearly the mascot was haunting his dreams.
“Hey, he’s doing his best.” A familiar voice laughs.
Your nose catches onto the realization first, the familiar scent of wheat drifting past you as you shifted into Mydei’s car. You abruptly look up from tugging on the seatbelt and realize- oh. Phainon was here too in the passenger seat. Wait- he looks… different. He wasn’t completely unrecognizable but his voice got lower, and he seemed much more confident which was somehow possible.
Well this was unfair. What was that line you heard from that one video game again? “Doctor- you’re… huge!” And you think that because holy fuck he was huge. From what you could see, his arms got all bulked up with muscle, shoulders extending past the width of the passenger seat of your brother’s car. What the hell happened over one year? Phainon goes through puberty and he gets taller and hotter. You go through puberty and you get pimples and a menstrual cycle. Or in other words: fuck you I guess.
“Is that Phainon? The guy you mentioned?” Your friend whispers to you, which snaps you out of your trance.
“Wha- I mean yes-”
“He’s cute. Super cute.” She whispers with a knowing grin. You’re hoping her statement falls on deaf ears but to your dismay, Phainon turns around, and you finally see his handsome face and smug grin.
“Was I supposed to hear that?~” He asks, looking at you straight in the eye. It wasn’t even the first day yet and your brain was already getting fried. Over a boy of all things.
“No.” You seethe, smacking your forehead at your friend’s whispering that could have been quieter. Phainon laughs.
“Don’t inflate his ego.” Mydei adjusts the rearview mirror, casually making a jab at Phainon. Though, it doesn’t really do anything when Phainon was still smiling.
“So, did you ladies have fun?” Phainon asks smoothly, looking back again, addressing the both of you. Your friend doesn’t answer, and you somehow get the feeling that she wanted you to talk, making your face subconsciously heat up.
“Um, yeah I guess.” You say awkwardly. You don’t know why you get shy when you respond, slowly sinking further into the seats as you struggle to even look at him. Phainon’s the same he’s always been- warm smiles, teasing lilts to his tone just to get you to talk to him, the scent of wheat. Still, your friend nudges your arm, telling you that she too noticed your speechlessness in front of him. Something is different. He is different.
As the car ride goes on, it’s fairly silent. Even though Phainon was sitting in the passenger seat, you couldn’t help but feel aware of your surroundings- like if he was gonna turn around or ask you something again. You tell yourself it was just to prepare yourself if he decides to look at you again. You hate that your eyes trace over him.
“Are you gonna start going out like this every weekend?” Phainon’s poses this question to you and your friend, though his eyes linger on you mostly.
“I dunno… Why?” You inquire, your shoulders slightly tensing when you watch Phainon’s lips curve into a teasing grin again.
“Just curious,” He shrugs. “Maybe you’d be better than Mydei who stayed in his dorm all the time when he was in first year.”
Mydei grumbles, giving Phainon a light shove as his friend giggles.
“There’s nothing to go out so often for.” Mydei proclaims with his arms crossed. His eyes then flicker to you in the rearview mirror, deciding to attack you for no reason like every older sibling does. “You couldn’t even go out without getting lost."
“I’m an adult Mydei.” You protest with an eyeroll as your brother embarrasses you (though he really is just a worrywart).
“Debatable.” Mydei scoffs.
“Mydei!” You yell. Phainon chuckles watching your short banter, then cuts in himself.
“She can handle herself.” Phainon gives Mydei a reassuring smile. There it was again- just a small little boost of confidence, that stupid faith he had in you that casually made you lose it. Not this again.
Still, even as the car pulls next to the curb and you’re ready to flop on your bed and gossip with your friend all night and more importantly brush off these feelings-
“Bye!” Phainon rolls his window down, waving at you. “Don’t stay up too late!”
Your feel that tingle at the back of your neck as you’re stunned at how Phainon said that phrase, though you barely have time to process it.
“Oh my god…” Your friend latches onto your arm, startling you for a second. She hunches over as she walks to your shared dorm together, looking at you with a knowing smile. “Are you gonna address the elephant in the room, or should I just say it?”
“What are you talking about?” You ask in a monotone voice as you unlock your door. You were hoping it wasn’t about-
“Uh hello? This Phainon guy, obviously.” Your friend says with an eye roll as if the topic was plain as day. “You didn’t tell me you guys were a thing.”
“We’re not,” you sputter. “He’s just a friend. My brother’s friend to be exact.”
“Yeah? Well this friend looks pretty happy to see you.” She hums, clearly not convinced. You both walk over to your her bedroom where you sit to talk. You roll your eyes, though you couldn’t stop how your body unconsciously tried turning away from her to hide your face. “He literally turned around to talk to you every five minutes. Did you even know he was gonna come to your orientation to flirt with you?”
You sputter at her bluntness, also not liking the way you got flustered so easily by her observations. But now that you think of it, why did Phainon even come along just to join Mydei to pick you up after your orientation?
“That wasn’t flirting.” You argue, cutting the conversation short and not willing to entertain any more questions. “Anyway- are you gonna tell me about the drama that happened at prom or what?”
You and your friend end up chatting into the late hours. More importantly, you end up skillfully avoiding and not responding to that statement she made. Truthfully, your own thoughts terrify you.
Deep down, a part of you knows that if Phainon was gonna keep talking to you like that- like he was teasing you, being all confident, and smiling and implying he wanted your company, you’re not going to be able to pretend it means nothing.
You remember yourself one year ago, when you confessed to that boy in your school and how embarrassed you felt when he laughed and scoffed. You remember how dumb you felt for misreading things, and believing that it was something more. You can’t let yourself do those things anymore.
Unfortunately for you, confidence looked really good on Phainon.
⋆⋅☼⋅⋆
Age: 18 (a few months later)
You think you settled into your classes and university life pretty well. Looking back at your orientation day, it felt a little ridiculous how much you spent worrying about Phainon’s perception of you. You were convinced that after you pushed him away that night when you were seventeen, that you had ruined everything. Or at least, that’s what you expected. You knew Phainon wasn’t the type to hold grudges or lie, but with the way he looked and talked to you that day, it was if he was entirely unaffected.
As the semester goes by, you realized you were in your head too much after all. You were lingering outside with your friends, already complaining about a group project that was assigned when suddenly you felt a tap on your shoulder.
“Hey, found you.”
It’s Phainon.
“Oh, hey.” Your eyes widen when you realize it’s him. Your eyes trail up to finally meet his gaze, which looked a little too pleased with himself. Was he even aware of how he somehow just became unfairly attractive over one summer? Meanwhile, your friends’ jaws drop at the same time when they notice him spawn out of nowhere, and immediately interpret this as a signal to move two meters away.
“How are classes going?” He asks with a calm smile. You suddenly get a sense of scale of how much taller he got, now that you were with him standing up and not in a car. It was slightly embarrassing to you, how he was hunched over slightly to talk to you better.
“Okay I guess,” You say, shrugging. “Getting busy.”
Your friends watch, half in awe and half-deadpanned as you give Phainon a boring answer. And still, he smiles, remaining engaged as he talks to you.
“Good, good… Do you already have plans for the break?” Phainon asks, almost sheepishly.
“I dunno, probably staying home with Mydei…” You reply. Phainon seems to inhale a little deeper before speaking again.
“I know finals are coming up soon… but I wanted to revive an old tradition, if you’re game?” Phainon asks. You cock your head to the side, unsure of what he meant. “The winter market, back near your home.”
Ah, right. You do remember the winter market- one you went with Mydei and Phainon when you guys were younger. You guys were barely teenagers, insisting you could go out by yourselves, and end up spending a majority of it listening to your brother whine about the cold. Still, it was a much simpler and nostalgic time you considered a core memory.
“Do they still do it?” You ask, your eyes widening at Phainon bringing up something so nostalgic out of the blue. “I don’t know if I could convince Mydei to go… At his grown age I think he’d still complain about the snow.”
“He would do that.” Phainon chuckles breathily, knowing Mydei’s behaviour as well as you. “But I already convinced him to go.”
“You did?” You ask, your eyes widening. You truly underestimated Phainon’s power.
“Well, he did grumble about it for a good five minutes…” Phainon admits, scratching the back of his neck. “But he said he wanted to bring some of our friends, if we were going.”
Mydei has friends?
“Oh… your other friends…” A part of your confidence crumbles at the mention of your brother’s and Phainon’s other friends. You want to go- though you hadn’t really thought of why your heart was urging you to. At the same time, you’re not sure if you’d want to be in a group with randoms you didn’t know. For all you know, they could be just as stinky as your brother! Your response turns slightly dismissive. “I don’t know… I’ll check with Mydei if he’s going first.”
“He will. And if he says no I’ll make him go.” Phainon gives a devious grin and a thumbs up. Your uncomfortable posture turns more relaxed and you smile, seeing exactly what this was- the same game you’ve been playing for years. He was trying to invite you again.
“I’ll think about it.” You say finally. Phainon smiles wider, the corners of his eyes crinkling like he subtly won you over.
“I’ll hold you to it.” He leans closer with a wink, and you think your brain stops functioning for a good second. He then straightens, giving you a casual wave before walking off. “See you then.”
You watch as his figure walks away, spotting one of his friend groups nearby and jogging to them. And-
“Oh. My. God.” Oh yeah, you almost forgot that your friends are still standing there.
They squealed and whispered animatedly, all nosy about your ties with this hot guy and theorizing on whether you’ve been dating or if the flirting was normal. The bombardment of questions and exclamations obviously pointing out Phainon’s… Phainon-ness made it hard to conceal your nerves. Wait- why were you nervous again?
“You guys-” You attempt to compose yourself, but your stammer already gives out your subconscious feelings. “You guys are delusional. Just because some attractive guy happens to be talking to me doesn’t mean anything romantic.”
“So you think he’s hot.” One of your friends chides, completely ignoring your argument and latching on a random detail. You pause for a moment, your mouth agape as you realize the small slip you made. You shake your head dramatically to dismiss any other thoughts, but your roommate beats you to answering that.
“That’s (Y/N)’s friend, Phainon.” Your roommate so graciously corrects with air quotes around the word friend. You have no idea why your cheeks start to burn up when your roommate sarcastically addresses Phainon as your friend. Or was it just an intrusive thought that you seemed like more than friends? Either way, you hope your flustered expression is not seen by your friend group. “And I’ve been saying the exact same things to her, but she’s denying the… well- whatever’s going on between them.”
“He’s literally my brother’s friend.” You roll your eyes as you correct her, emphasizing the involvement of Mydei in this whole ordeal. “As in he’s known me since I was like thirteen?”
“Uh-oh, that’s dangerous~” One friend sing-songs with a smug grin. “That means he’s already got a leg up in the game. And judging by what I just saw, men like him are hard to find. Y’know- kind, hot, knows all your habits?”
You want to roll your eyes again and ready to deny all these claims your friends are making, but you find yourself replaying that whole conversation with Phainon just now. Knows all your habits? It was certainly dangerous but not in the same way your friend stated. It was more like dangerous in the way that you didn't want Phainon remembering every embarrassing thing you did in front of him and being close enough that he would bring it up. You think back to how he kept trying to include you and ask you questions about yourself, and when you realize the exact same thing just happened-
“Sooo, what did he talk to you about?” Your friend interrupts your spiralling, and the rest of the group turns their heads to you expectantly.
“He asked if I wanted to go to a winter market thingy we have back home.” You say casually. Your friends squeal- making you groan at their overreaction.
“And? What did you say?”
“I said I’d think about it.” You shrug. Your friends dramatically sigh with disappointment, their hands sliding down their faces.
“Okay- why did you say you’ll think about it? This is like… textbook winter arc in a shoujo manga where the leads go on a date and share hot chocolate.” Your roommate says incredulously. You roll your eyes, ignoring her obvious teasing as prepare to explain.
“It’s not a date.” You protest with an exhausted sigh. “Mydei and a few of their friends are going too.”
“Damn, that’s a lot of wheels.” She scoffs. The rest of your friends giggle.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” You deadpan, the joke going over your head.
“Nothing.” She beams. “Anyway, what’s wrong with other people going?”
“It’s gonna be awkward as hell…” You groan, gritting your teeth as you drag out the words. Being as introverted as you are, situations like this felt iffy for you. You really don’t want to seem difficult, but if he was inviting other people you didn’t know, you felt like the odd one out.
“So?” She scoffs, grabbing you by the shoulders lazily. “He’s going. He wants you there. He basically just asked you out. Isn’t that enough reason?”
You pause for a moment, your roommate’s argument surprisingly getting to you.
“...That doesn’t mean anything.” You finally utter. Your friends groan in unison.
“Oh shut up, he’s cute! Just let yourself like him!”
Your eyes widen at the bold command. Your friends burst out laughing, enjoying your embarrassed reactions from this so called gossip. It really sucks how now you couldn’t contain the tiny smile that creeps onto your face.
Before you knew it, your thoughts spiralled and you couldn’t stop thinking about how Phainon smiled at you, or how easily he was able to spot you here on campus. Your gaze flickers briefly to Phainon’s direction again, where he was talking with his friend group. You end up staring for too long because Phainon seems to feel your eyes burning into him, and he turns his head to look at you. You awkwardly look away, not knowing whether to play it off or keep looking- either way it was gonna make you suspicious. But Phainon doesn’t seem to think so, because he sends you a small smile and a wave before going back to speaking with his friends.
And now, with your friends observations combining with your own buried feelings, you’re realizing how hard it’s getting to believe that he was just a friend. You thought you’ve convinced yourself that you saw him as strictly a friend of your brother’s that you just happened to get to know. You thought you weren’t going to make another silly mistake about a boy. But… you’d be lying if you said you never thought he was… kinda…-
“Also- don’t you think (Y/N)’s brother is kinda cute?~”
Ew. Your friends continue giggling, not caring that they just called your brother hot in front of you. Yup, daydream-y thoughts gone.
Nothing else needs to be said when a guttural scream tears from your throat.
⋆⋅☼⋅⋆
Age: 18 (Winter break)
A couple weeks after stressing over exams, you find yourself standing in the middle of the winter market. For some reason, you felt like being here in and of itself was another way of admitting the real reason you were going- another way for your friends to tease you about you-know-who.
Speaking of friends, you realized something about Mydei’s friends.
You stuck to Mydei that night as you waited for the rest of the group to arrive. The market was glowing with the same warm lights and cold air, festive music drifting through the crowd. When they arrived, you greeted them all politely, offering a small smile. But you notice something-
All of Mydei’s friends were gorgeous.
What the fuck? As if it couldn’t make you any more anxious than you already were, they had to be stunning too. Even in the cold winter weather they dressed like they came out of a shoot for Vogue. You look at your own attire and feel hyperaware of how your coat makes you look like a puffball, and you tuck your hands in your pockets.
You see a girl with whitish hair that bleeds into a light purple, a cheerful girl with pink hair tied in two pigtails, a group of four that- wait… were those the twins? Stelle and Caelus? Oh god- you didn’t know they were a part of this hang out. Okay, it was probably dramatic to have this intrusive thought of hiding right now- but you couldn’t help it. They were well known across campus, and you couldn’t fathom them having connections to your brother of all people.
“Hey,” You feel somebody tap your shoulder and you turn around quickly- it’s Phainon. “You came.”
“Oh. Yeah.” You nod, breathing out. Your heart does that stupid flip again as you see Phainon- cheeks rosy already from the coldness, and flashing a toothy grin like it meant a lot to him.
“He’s just a friend. My brother’s friend to be exact.” “That’s (Y/N)’s friend, Phainon.” You remember yours and your friends’ phrases being thrown around when Phainon was being introduced. You tell yourself again the same thing- that he’s just a friend, and this didn’t mean anything. That Phainon was just being friendly like he always was, and that whatever fluttering feeling you’re getting in your chest was just some naive hope that needed to be buried away again.
The group moves slowly through the market, a safe distance enough to explore the booths and keeping sight of each other. You mostly stay near the back, hands tucked in your coat pockets as you listen to the group more than talking.
Before you could take notice of it, one of the girls falls into step with you.
“Hi! I don’t think we’ve met.” It’s the pink haired girl. “I’m Hyacine. You’re Mydei’s little sister, (Y/N), right?”
“Oh- hi. Nice to meet you.” You reply, adjusting your scarf to try and not seem anti-social. She then taps Mydei on the shoulder, who was walking in front of you two.
“Mydei, you’re sister is way cuter than you!” Hyacine clasps her hands theatrically and beams.
“Um… thanks?” Mydei blinks, then turns back. Hyacine laughs, and even you manage a small giggle. You kind of appreciate her humour (and jab at Mydei) and hope you didn’t come off as a stranger anymore.
Before you could overthink it, Hyacine tugs you over to one of the booths, asking if you liked cute things. You stumble a little as the girl drags you to who knows where, though you reply saying you do. You notice the little unicorn plushie on her bag, and felt that it was on brand for her.
“Over here!” Hyacine giggles, not caring that you both were obviously straying from the group. There was no time to protest as you both weaving through the crowds until you both stop at one of the artist booths. You look around at what Hyacine wanted you to see, and see various keychains, stickers, and cute little handmade plushies lining the table. They were soft, mismatched coloured little creatures, sitting as if waiting for someone to adopt them.
“These are so cute!” Hyacine’s eyes light up, flickering from plush to plush. She silently hoped you felt enjoyment from this too. “Oh- and this one too.”
“They are.” You blink, picking one of the plushies up. It was a small pastel coloured star with a crooked smile. You thoughtfully turn it in your hands as you admire it. You wouldn’t lie if you said it didn’t intrigue you…
“Oh (Y/N)- that one matches your jacket!” Hyacine exclaims, pointing at the similarity.
“Huh? Oh yeah, it does.” You glance down at your attire and the coincidence that the plush you grabbed was the same colour. You didn’t even realize, but it was as if it was a subconscious gesture.
You stare down at the little star’s cute face and dangly legs. It was cute, and you certainly appreciate the maker’s craftsmanship. But you sigh, putting it down. “Mydei would probably scold me if I bought another one.”
“Aw, really? But he’s gonna be lonely. He even matches you!” Hyacine pouts, then shows you her unicorn plush. “You could match like me!”
You’re about to give an apologetic smile, but you think about the giant horde of stuffed toys you have at home and in your dorm and you feel like-
“What are we looking at?” Phainon’s voice comes from behind you, and you turn your head a bit too fast to where he was peering between you guys. Phainon bends slightly to take a closer look, snow dusting the shoulders of his coat. You get a whiff of his cologne and you have to look away. He looks relaxed in that unfairly easy way of his, even for doing something as basic as looking at stuff.
“We’re looking at stuffies!” Hyacine says joyfully. You shrink into your scarf a little, hoping Phainon doesn’t find it childish that you’re looking at plushies. “(Y/n) likes the star.”
“Hyacine-”
“The one with the little legs?” Phainon says simply. His eyes then flicker down to the one in your hand. “Were you gonna buy that one?”
“Oh-” You’re almost startled at how quickly Phainon noticed the plush in your hand, and you set it back down on the table. “Yeah- I mean… it’s cute, but I already have a lot of plushies at home.”
Phainon seems to be deep in thought as he stares between you and the star plush, but doesn’t say a word. You’re hoping he accepts your excuse and moves on.
“Where were you? And everyone else?” Hyacine pipes up, tilting her head at Phainon.
“I was looking at the ceramics. I lost everyone else a while ago, but- oh, Cyrene said to regroup at the seats near the hot chocolate stand.” Phainon explains. A shiver runs through your spine as you briefly remember what your roommate said about this hangout being straight out of a shoujo manga. “You ladies can head back there when you’re finished. I’m gonna try looking for the others.”
“Okay, see you in a bit!” Hyacine waves to Phainon, then turns back to you. “Are you sure you don’t want to buy anything?”
“Yeah, I’m sure.” You say with a bittersweet smile. “I’ll probably forget about it in a few days.”
Hyacine nods, not wanting to pressure you. You turn away from the booth and walk with her towards the designated meeting place within the food vendor area. It was getting later, but from the way you were bumping shoulders with people, it felt like the amount of people were increasing. You both eventually find a few of the others at one of the picnic benches and join them to wait for the rest to arrive. You sigh, as you finally get a chance to sit down. Simply walking around a marketplace somehow exhausted you more than you thought.
For a moment, you close your eyes to rest from the clamour. Suddenly, you hear a little jingle coming from near you and you open them at the soft sound.
“Hey.” Phainon stands in front of you, one hand holding a small fabric gift bag tied with sparkly string and tiny metal ornaments. From the lighting of this area, you could finally see the snowflakes clinging to his hair- even though they were the same colour. He sits down beside you, looking almost amused at your startled expression.
“Hey, did you find everyone?” Hyacine leans over from the other side of the picnic table.
“Most of them. I think Cyrene found the others I didn’t.” Phainon replies. On cue, Mydei and a few others walk past and take their own seats at the table. Phainon’s attention shifts back to you, still holding out the bag.
“What’s this?” You ask suspiciously taking the bag. You felt your heart beating faster, not believing it was what you thought it was.
“For you.” Phainon replies simply, waiting to see your reaction.
“What did you get her?” Hyacine gasps with glee, leaning closer in anticipation. The curiosity overwhelms you too, and you freeze as you peek into the bag.
The little star plushie stares back at you.
“You- You bought it?” You ask softly, though your eyes going wide gave away that you were surprised. Phainon watches your expression carefully, and tries not to smile too much. “Phainon, you didn’t have to.”
“You liked it, didn’t you?” He counters, leaning his elbows on the surface of the table. And oh, how you hated how his casual response mirrored what your friends said to you a few weeks before- about something as simple as this being reason enough. Phainon never seemed to stop, like helping you was the easiest thing in the world.
You stare down at the plushie, then between him and Hyacine. “I told Hyacine I’d forget about it eventually.”
Phainon tilts his head slightly. “Would you have?”
You idly look at Phainon, whose eyes seem to burn into yours with intensity, turning the question into a challenge. It makes you more flustered.
“I-” You stammer, your jaw going slack, not being able to form an answer. You end up sighing with a smile, realizing any excuse you might make would be null in the end. You clutch the plush a little tighter in your hands. “...I guess I wouldn’t have.”
Phainon grins softly at your surrender, the market lights reflecting off his face beautifully.
By this time, the entire group had finally come together and decided to chill out here. You continued talking to Phainon, and for a while, you forget that you were here as a group- like it was just you two.
“Are you doing okay?” He asks you. “You seemed a little distant earlier.”
“I’m fine.” You say automatically. Phainon hums, not convinced. Somehow the tiny pout he sports makes you want to be vulnerable and tell him the truth, so you continue. “I just- it’s hard keeping up with everyone.”
Your reason sounded strange, but Phainon understood what you meant. He nods, but doesn’t push you, giving a reassuring grin. “You can just hang with me.”
The offer is casual, yet it makes you feel warm in the cold weather. And once again it’s like deja vu- where you felt like there was absolutely no reason for him to include you or make you feel comfortable in any way or for any reason. Yet he does. He always does.
“How did first semester treat you?” He says, changing the subject as he bumps his knee lightly against yours.
“It was pretty normal.” You shrug. “I made a few friends, complained about professors and group projects a little. Exams were stressful, but nothing too out of the blue.”
“Complained enough to write a bad review on them?” He asks, clearly instigating. You watch as Phainon’s eyes twinkle mischievously, and you knew the website he was referring to. You snort before you could stop yourself, and Phainon grins faintly at the sound, visibly pleased he was able to pull it from you.
“How else do you think I’m gonna spend my break?” You ask with a bit of sass. He laughs, nodding with approval. Phainon then shifts closer to you a little, his posture becoming more upright. It was subtle, but enough that he was creating a space where his attention felt undivided now.
“You know…” He starts lightly. “We used to hang out more before university started.”
You’re caught off guard by his sudden observation. You didn’t expect him to speak up about the weird distance between you guys, but he was right. The last time you properly saw him was… before that day you bawled your eyes out and then shoved him away when he tried to comfort you. You cringe at the memory. God, you hope he forgot about that and remembered a different day when the two of you and Mydei were happy and playing games or something.
“I- have we…? What about… orientation?” Your grip on the plush tightens a little out of nervousness. You knew damn well orientation didn’t count for shit. Still, you attempt to feign obliviousness to ease some of the discomfort you felt inside, but Phainon chuckles, catching on immediately.
“Yeah? And you probably saw the mascot more than me.” He pouts jokingly.
“No I didn’t-” You stammer, but suddenly stop yourself when you realize he could be right. You internally beat yourself up at the thought.
“I’m just teasing.” Phainon laughs softly, then continues in a quieter tone. “Still… I kinda miss talking to you.”
And there it was. For once your heart wants to remember what it feels like to be wanted like this. You watch as Phainon straightens and closes his eyes for a second too long before continuing, as if he was trying to gather some confidence to prove the intention behind it.
“So,” His smile returns, charming as you’ve always known. “Do you wanna hang out sometime? Just us.”
Just as you thought your heartbeat could slow down, Phainon always seems to do something to prove that it was alive- that something inside was existing. Despite your shock and silence, Phainon doesn’t corner you with his proposal.
“We could go to a cafe, and I could buy you dessert… Or we can play video games over the break… Anything that doesn’t involve that stupid mascot.” He adds easily. Phainon gets another laugh out of you, and you somehow feel lighter. A beat of silence goes by again, and you watch as Phainon looks at you in anticipation.
“Yeah, I’d love that.” You say breathily, a smile escaping you. Phainon exhales, looking strangely relieved, like he-
“Phainon-” Another voice suddenly interrupts, and you both whip your head to the source from across the picnic bench. It was another pink haired girl- albeit a slightly deeper shade of pink than Hyacine’s. Her name was Cyrene, if you remembered correctly. “Wait, are you blushing?” The girl tilts her head at Phainon, and you almost choke on air. Phainon bursts out laughing.
“I’m not.” He turns to Cyrene, insisting with a charming smile, putting his hands up in mock surrender. You take a closer look at his cheeks now that his face was turned more to the side. You swear you saw a bit of pink… was he- no, surely this was just the cold getting to his skin.
“Well you sure blush like you were just caught flirting.” Cyrene snaps back with a bit of attitude. You’re not really sure what to do in this situation, and seemingly neither does Phainon as he looks like he’s being teased by his friend. Cyrene then turns towards you with a soft smile.
“My name is Cyrene. You’re (Y/n), right?~” Cyrene asks, and you nod in response. You found it peculiar how everything she said sounded both playful and sweet- like a song. She looks at you with her eyes bright and cheerful. “You’re really pretty, you know that?”
“I-I am…?” Your cheeks go warm as you short circuit at the sudden compliment. Hyacine who had been off engaging with the others returns to insert herself in this conversation, and nods along, agreeing. Wait, Hyacine- she was supposed to be on your side!
“Mhm~ So…” Cyrene drags out her words with a devious smile, wagging a threatening finger at Phainon. “If you are flirting, you do know Mydei would beat you up, right?”
“I would.” Mydei lazily chimes in from a few seats down, diagonal to you. You almost forgot he was here. Phainon’s skill at isolating you guys was certainly effective. Your brother’s two little words give you mixed thoughts: one making note of how little hesitation or humour there was in his tone, and another where you seriously have concerns of your brother threatening to beat someone up again. Perhaps a trip to a rage room was due soon.
“See? He just said he would kill you.” Cyrene enunciates, clearly understanding that her friend didn’t seem to register the what she was implying. Oddly enough, Phainon just chuckles.
“And, I wouldn’t blame him.”
The rest of the conversation becomes a blur. You start losing track of what they were saying after Cyrene groaned at Phainon for being an oblivious puppy in knowing the consequences. What a bizarre answer… …Consequences of what?
You think back to the compliments Hyacine and Cyrene paid you, saying you were cute and pretty. You thought it was just girls hyping another girl up- as girls do. But then you think of Cyrene calling out Phainon for blushing and threats for him potentially flirting, and wonder if she was teasing him… or if she actually meant it. There was a part of you that was in disbelief, inching closer to the fact that… you might actually have a chance.
On top of all that, there was Phainon’s own reply, confirming that he’d take a beating from your brother if he actually did cross a line. You tell yourself you were reading too much into it again.
“So… I’ll see you soon, right (Y/n)?”
That night after everyone bid their farewells, and you and Mydei returned home in your childhood home, you quickly crash into the warmth of your bed and whip out your phone. You contemplate whether calling your roommate was gonna lead to her lovingly bullying you again, but you end up telling her everything anyway.
“I don’t know what else to tell you, girl.” Your roommate sighs endearingly at you through the phone. “He made an effort to invite you, he looked for you, bought you a present... I don’t think you’re imagining things… so what do you have to lose?”
You notice that you’ve gotten too excited from how high your heart rate must be. Your smile falters (not realizing that you were even smiling this whole time in the first place), and you remember your own consequences.
“...That’s just the problem.” You sigh back, sitting up properly now. “I don’t want to be delusional again. I can’t just launch myself into… whatever this is and make up assumptions that aren’t real.” You grab your little star plush Phainon got you from your bag. You glance down at your star plushie again, fiddling with its stupid little legs, thinking- why does a star even need to have legs?
Your roommate’s voice softens. “But it feels different, doesn’t it?”
You don’t end up answering her.
“I’m not expecting anything.” You say finally. Despite these months of your stubbornness with the topic of Phainon, your roommate doesn’t argue. She just smiles knowingly on the other side of the line, and lets it go.
You conclude the call by telling her the rest of the whole marketplace experience, and her own winter break shenanigans. Later, when your room is quiet, you lie back on your bed, holding the star plush up to the ceiling.
You look at its silly dangly legs, finding something so out of place cute that makes it different from the rest. Stars were supposed to stay high above everyone else, beautiful from a distance.
But perhaps this star had been made to reach people anyway.
⋆⋅☼⋅⋆
Age: 19, second semester
Winter break came and went pretty fast. You and Mydei spend it mostly at home, spending time with your mom. Phainon went back to his hometown for the break as well. Like you said yourself, you weren’t expecting anything to happen during this time.
That is, until, a week after your second semester started, you started receiving texts from Phainon already. You remember your eyes widening at your phone screen when Phainon asked you if you wanted to do something during the weekends. From something as small as asking to join him in playing video games, to him insisting on accompanying you to a bookstore for your manga series, you said yes. Some small part inside you craved spending time with him, and you realized you did miss him a lot all this time. You felt like you reconnected with Phainon- just like when you were kids.
At the end of the semester, one of your peers decided to host a mixer and invited everyone in the class. The invitation sat in your messages for a while before you accepted it. A mixer… Just the thought alone of being invited sent a quiet thrill in your spine.
Now, standing in front of the mirror, there was a brief moment where you wondered if you looked like you were trying too hard with your outfit… or too little. You wore something that showed a little more skin- a little more mature and confident, something you didn’t usually wear. Still, you decide not to dwell on the issue for long and head out.
By the time you reached the location, there was already music and familiar people from your class there. People were clustered up, animatedly talking, hopefully having fun after the stress of final exams. A girl from your class waves you over, and passes a light drink to you. Soon enough, you overcame the initial anxiety and it felt freeing to mix in with the group.
Well, only for the first ten minutes.
You were going to excuse yourself to say hi to another acquaintance when a white-haired mass suddenly came into view- a particularly tall and handsome white-haired mass.
Phainon? Here of all places?
Your stomach drops and you quickly duck near a corner, careful not to spill your drink or look crazy sneaking around. You peek over and see Phainon with his back turned, leaning against the kitchen island as he engages in conversation with other people.
Your pulse was getting frantic, but you take a deep breath to try and calm yourself. Oh, but who were you kidding? If Phainon saw you here, you were sure that he would report you to Mydei within the minute.
Phainon walks away from the kitchen counter, going off somewhere else, and you go the same direction as him to not cross paths with him. Could it be possible to avoid him this whole time? God, it was stupid when you thought about it. You basically just got here, and it shouldn’t even be scary to see Phainon here. But you weren’t really in the mood to see his smug grin or get lectured by your brother. Maybe you could hang with someone else and hide-
“That’s an interesting strategy.” A voice murmurs in your ear.
Phainon was already standing behind you, bending down to your height and way too close as amusement curls at the edge of his lips.
“Ah- Phainon! You scared me!” You hiss, your face going warm with embarrassment as you jolt backwards. Phainon only grins wider at your startled reaction. You become defensive, eyeing him up suspiciously. “What- why are you here?”
“I know the host.” Phainon says easily, then cheekily fires the same question to you. “What are you doing here?”
“Nothing.” You grit. Phainon chuckles and shakes his head at your answer, and you internally smack your forehead. Out of all excuses, you had to say the most suspicious one?
“Nothing but drinking, you mean?” Phainon inquires, pointing at your cup and clicks his tongue in mock disapproval. “Mydei won’t be happy to hear this.”
Your face freezes at the mention of Mydei potentially knowing you were here. “I-It’s only five percent alcohol!”
“Ooh, how scandalous.” Phainon laughs, and you puff your cheeks in frustration of him teasing you.
“Oh shut up. I came here by myself so I’m not here to get drunk.” You say, rolling your eyes.
“Even more scandalous.” He says with a whistle, and you groan. Phainon’s eyes soften, sensing he’s teased you enough. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell Mydei.”
Phainon’s words surprise you a little. Oddly enough, he let's you have fun and doesn't report you like you thought he would.
As the night went on, you were pulled into conversations and stupid debates, laughing at some of your peers’ weird dance moves. Every now and then, you’d catch sight of Phainon somewhere across the house- sometimes talking to other people, sometimes smiling at you, and sometimes bumping your hip beside you as he indulges the conversation with you.
The buzz of the music gets louder as the night goes on. You participate in the fun, but eventually you start feeling tired. Phainon notices and he taps your shoulder, leaning down, telling you something… but you don’t hear anything. Because he was so close, you suddenly realize the golden sun tattoo on the side of his neck- when did he get that? As Phainon spoke, you felt a little rush inside you, making you space out. You tried making sense of your surroundings but you soon realize that he was taking over all your senses. What you could see, what you could smell… muting all of them into one: him. Was he experiencing the same buzzing feeling? You watched as his lips curved up into a grin, whispering something to you. You stare at his lips- a faint blush colour, soft and plump… you wondered what it would feel like if you…
You nod plainly in response to him, though his words clearly weren’t getting through to you. Phainon realizes you were spacing out and he chuckles lightly and stands back up, holding his hand out. You blankly take it and he guides you out of the party. Also, did you just think of-
“You okay? I asked if you were getting tired.” Phainon breathes out, his voice finally reaching your ears.
“Hm- oh, yeah, I’m fine.” You perk up as you snap out of your daze. “I am a little tired…”
“I’ll drive you back then.” He says, already taking his car keys out. He phrases it not even as a question, like he would do it for you regardless. “Do you have everything?”
You nod, and you both get into his car. The drive back to your dorm was strangely quiet. It was slightly awkward since your peer’s house wasn’t even that far from your residence, so the ride was gonna be short. However, it felt like there was something else underneath. It was something heavy, but not an uncomfortable-pit-in-your-stomach type of heavy. It was something more charged.
The blinker clicks lightly while the streetlights gradually slide across Phainon’s face in fleeting moments. His jaw, his mouth, the curve of his hands gripping the steering wheel. You looked away before you could get caught staring. God, you were going crazy for sure, you think.
Your pulse still hasn’t settled. Was it adrenaline from the party? Maybe so, but even then it shouldn’t make you think of kis-
“We’re here.” Phainon softly sing-songs. You get out of the car, and Phainon decides to walk you to your door. Again, not a question.
When you both walk into the building together, you realized it was sort of awkward with the both of you being silent this whole time. Even more so as you arrived in the narrow hallway just outside your door. Phainon walks behind you, close enough that his presence alone fills your space. As you stop at your door, you decide to say something, though he’s closer than you expect when you turn to him. You clear your throat, your hand fumbling inside your purse to find your keys to regulate yourself.
“Thanks for the ride.” You say, looking up at him gratefully. “And… thanks for not snitching on me.”
Phainon huffs a quiet laugh. “Anytime.”
You smiled despite yourself, like it was a subconscious thing- maybe it even a contagious thing, knowing Phainon was here. Even as you briefly look down to take your keys out, Phainon was already looking at you, like he had something to say, but he doesn’t.
You were about to unlock your door and say goodbye, but somehow your body doesn’t want to listen. You don’t feel like doing it. Your dreamy daze continues, your eyes dipping over Phainon’s outfit. You suddenly felt aware of how good he looked in a white skin-tight shirt and jeans- did he always wear things like this? You catch a glimpse of the sun tattoo you saw earlier beneath the collar of his shirt, and you even swear you see a broad gold ring on his chest- another hidden one beneath his shirt. It makes you even more curious- but more than that, it made you want him.
Before you knew it, your body had a mind of its own, leaning in without shame with your hands shyly but certainly reaching for him- to be closer to him. Your fingers brush his, and your breath hitches, the sparks making you second guess if you should even be doing this. But when you finally bring yourself to look up at him, his gaze was already looking down to your mouth.
“(Y/n)...” HIs voice drops, barely louder than a breath. His expression softens, yet his pupils were blown wide, as if there was something unguarded slipping through. He leans in, slow and careful, giving you time to pull away. Your breathing and your heart beats faster than ever. This definitely wasn’t just the adrenaline from the party.
Suddenly, a small click is heard and Phainon mutters a curse and pulls away quickly.
Wait…
You were stunned for a few seconds, watching as he pulled back. Before you could think of how to react, your door swings open to reveal Mydei looking sleepy yet confused. Oh yeah, your roommate already went home for the summer, so now you had a giant cat invading your space. You told Mydei you were gonna go out with some friends and then go back home with him after- you forgot you left him lounging here for a while.
“Where were you?” Mydei quirks an eyebrow at you, and gives an even more skeptical look at Phainon. “And what are you doing here?”
“I was just dropping her off.” Phainon says lightly, though you could tell he was trying his best to not sound shaky. You weren’t sure how it was possible for him to reply and make up something so calmly. Especially since the skin of your hand was still buzzing where you touched his just seconds ago. “She just got caught up saying bye to some friends.” Mydei gives him a weird look, but doesn’t question you both, and you give a sigh of relief.
Your brother and Phainon make small talk, both asking if they were heading home for the summer. Meanwhile, you remained silent, in your own little bubble unable to calm your racing heart.
“Get some rest.” Phainon addresses you with a simple wave, and just like that, he was gone. God, you wanted to… you wish you could…
“Why is he even still here on campus?” Mydei interrupts your train of thought as he holds your door open for you.
“O-Oh… I dunno. I bumped into him on the way back.” You say casually, walking into your dorm. Lies. “Why are you here so early…?”
“It’s night time.” Mydei retorts back. “Anyway, are you done packing your stuff?”
You nod, and quickly grab your bags and head back home with Mydei.
The drive was silent, but for you it wasn’t. Even though you were exhausted after the mixer, you couldn’t seem to be able to rest during the long drive home. You look out the window, a small smile plastered on your face as you replay that brief yet charged moment in your head. The way he leaned in, the way you could feel his breath on your lips as he whispered your name…
You almost kissed him.
Was it always like this? Your heart was beating fast as it always did, but for once you didn’t feel surprised. It felt more like… you were finally letting yourself do something you always wanted to do. Like you’ve been waiting and wanting something, and that it was okay to want things.
Maybe it was just the realization that Phainon was always perfectly within your grasp.
⋆⋅☼⋅⋆
Age: 19, Summer Break
Phainon: Good morning.
Phainon: I’m sorry about last night.
It’s been a good twelve hours since you and Phainon almost kissed. At first you thought you had hallucinated it, and that you became delusional for real. Just as you had believed that this was just a figment of your imagination, Phainon never texted you- until this morning.
(Y/n): Phainon, I don’t understand.
(Y/n): Was it something I did…?
Phainon: No, god no. Never.
(Y/n): Then why are you apologizing?
You felt your smile drop, the warmth from last night following suit, slowly leaking away.
Phainon: Because I'm sorry if I crossed a line.
Phainon: You didn’t do anything wrong. I just didn’t want things to be awkward between us.
And it’s just so funny, isn’t it? How you’ve kept yourself safe on your own little island, with walls built so high and an army to guard your heart. And the one time you decide to let them down and embrace the sunlight, it hurts so much more.
Confusion seems to consume you, making you anxious. The thought that you might have been too forward and was reading it all wrong feel like deja vu, specifically the same bitter feeling that you were so used to. The mere thought that Phainon didn’t want this to happen, makes your stomach coil. However, underneath the dreadful feeling was something else- because this wasn’t about you. Although you had this uncomfortable twinge of fear you refused to admit out loud, it wasn’t for yourself, but for Phainon. You stay rigid in your bed, staring at your phone. What exactly was Phainon thinking of that you weren’t?
A week later, you start getting antsy because you realize how quiet your summer vacation began. You continue to get nothing from Phainon. You gave him the benefit of the doubt, assuming he was probably busy with things back home. But as your phone sits on your desk, the screen continuing to be dark and empty, you find yourself constantly checking it, and it didn’t take long for your mind to spiral.
It’s ironic how noticeable an absence can be.
Later, just past noon, you start to smell food being prepared, so you go down to investigate. You realized your mom was going all out for some reason, seasoning steaks and cutting vegetables as your kitchen became a room with groceries stacked high. There seemed to be something in the oven already as well. You get curious and decide to ask Mydei what your mother was preparing for.
“Hey.” You ask as you walk into his room, seeing him lounging and playing a video game lazily.
“Hey.” He responds. Mydei eyes you a little for a second then goes back to focusing on his game. “You’ve been in your room for a while.”
“Yeah…” You sigh a little sheepishly as Mydei points it out, straightforward as always. “Do you know what mom is preparing all that food for?”
“We’re barbecuing tonight, remember?” Mydei replies smoothly without looking up from his game. “I’ve got a honeycake in the oven too.”
Mydei was in charge of the cake apparently, and already had it in baking in the oven. You soften at the thought. And then you don’t because he might have put boogers in there.
“Oh… that’s a lot of food.” You remark. Something feels off for some reason, ironically like an emptiness despite the feast being prepared.
When you walked into his room, you considered asking your brother what he would do if he was hypothetically faced with the situation you were- with Phainon that is. But then you already think of his response and- “I dunno, they both sound like idiots to me.” Yep, no help at all. To think you almost considered bucking up the courage to ask your brother for advice, when it should be better to question his reliability.
Instead, you ask him a more direct question-
“...Is Phainon coming?” You ask. Your cheeks get a little warm, but satisfying your curiosity was more important.
The mention of Phainon seems to get Mydei’s attention a little more. “...No?”
It’s ironic how one little word could get you to frown so easily. But it simply didn’t sound right to you. Ever since you were teenagers, Phainon has came over consistently to your house, showing up to practically everything. Barbecues, birthdays, movie nights… or even the simple weekends where nothing special was happening, he ended up staying longer than expected. And when you all became older and busier, he always made the effort to show up at least once. There had never been a question of whether he was coming.
“Oh…” The disappointed response tumbles out of your mouth before you even thought about it. You tell yourself that Phainon wasn’t obligated to come over, that he had his own life and responsibilities. Heck, he wasn’t even your friend first- he was technically Mydei’s but…
Still…
“Why do you ask?” Mydei asks, pausing his video game, sensing that you were concerned about something deeper.
It still felt wrong to you.
“Because… I thought he’d be coming. He always comes over during the summer…” You reply cautiously.
“So?”
“So... he’s your best friend.”
“Isn’t he also yours?” Mydei retorts back skeptically.
“Well yeah… but usually you invite him over.” You say meekly.
“I asked him already.” Mydei sighs. “Said he was busy.”
A lump forms in your throat. God, what were you supposed to do now? There were too many things unsaid, and even more things you wanted to ask. A part of you felt like Phainon’s response was an excuse- that if you didn’t get him now, that he’d just get farther from you. Were you going to have to wait until who knows when to talk to Phainon again?
As your hand idly trails along your brother’s bedroom wall, it was like you’ve experienced this before. You, at thirteen years old, gathering all the courage you had (none) to nervously enter in your brother’s room to get your charger back- all at the expense of meeting Phainon. You remember how shy you were when Phainon tried talking to you that time, how weirded out you were when he tried to include you out of the blue. You were at the same place you were then- at the threshold of Mydei's doorway until Phainon stole the last word, calling out one last thing.
"Maybe next time then."
Before you could overthink it, you push yourself off the wall and face Mydei again.
“Can you ask him again?” You ask, and Mydei gives you a weird look.
“Why would I- he’s gonna say no again.” Mydei says. Now, why would his dear sister actively request Phainon’s presence? Even you, the sister, do not know.
“Tell him I want him there.” You reply. The quiet determination in your eyes almost shocks Mydei.
He blinks at you for a split second, like he understood the meaning behind it. Your brother doesn’t question you for once. He doesn’t get suspicious, or feel the need to protect you.
“...Fine.” Mydei sighs and picks up his phone again, and you watch as his fingers tap the screen to send the new text to Phainon. You stand there biting your lip, not even sure if this would work. You can’t even believe that Mydei actually agreed to do it.
You thank your brother, and finally walk out of his bedroom, knowing the response might take time. But not even a second after you step into your own room, a buzz comes from your phone.
Phainon: Hey, I’m on my way. I’ll be there around 5.
Phainon: Thanks for inviting me
A glimmer of hope finally starts to exist within your mind. Phainon was coming, simply because you asked. And maybe you were right about him- maybe he was just waiting for you, just like he always has.
A few hours later, your doorbell rings. Your mom is the first to dash to the door, dropping everything to greet Phainon with a bone-crushing hug. Of course, Phainon’s used to it so it does little to affect him.
“Phainon! Oh my goodness, look at you!” Your mother coos, the same endearments making Phainon chuckle. She continues gushing about Phainon as if he was family already- which in a sense he was. “You’ve grown so much- and so handsome too! Mydei, can you believe it?”
You can smell your brother’s eyeroll from here. Meanwhile, Phainon smiles easily, nodding and murmuring something polite and charming. You haven’t even gone down to greet him yet, but little does anyone else know, hearing his voice- the mere existence and knowledge that he was here sent a thrill through you.
You hear your mother tell the boys that the barbecue will start soon, and they should wash up. The boys insist on helping your mom and they argue in a good-natured way. They split up and start preparing different things, with Mydei helping your mom prepare the grill. You hesitate for a moment, but take this as a cue to finally talk to Phainon.
You walk out from your bedroom, and as you linger at the top of the stairs looking down, Phainon seems to subconsciously pause mid-motion. Your heart still skipped when he looked at you- hands tucked into his pockets and white messy hair catching the sunlight from outside your backyard’s door. He subtly turns his head to you, and his smile was still there- soft, slightly hopeless, and nervous, like he was bracing himself for this moment just as you have.
“Hey…” He says lightly. It’s only been one week since you last saw him, yet it feels like it’s been a year. He even greets you like it’s been a year, and you knew he was feeling the same thing you were. You step closer, and you watch as his eyes attempt to hide the tension.
“Hi…” You take a deep breath, the feeling of determination not helping you steady your nerves. But truthfully, you cared more that he was just here with you. His hopeless smile seems to be contagious as you start to sport the same one as you sigh with relief. “You made it.”
“Yeah…” Phainon breathes out. Oddly, his smile gets wider, like he was happy to end up coming to your home.
“...Can we talk?” You ask hesitantly. As always, Phainon surprises you, as he willingly walks closer to you, as if to follow you wherever.
“Of course.” He replies smoothly. You give him a nod and slowly lead to towards your bedroom for a more private conversation.
You close your door after Phainon walks in. He seems to curiously look around your room, noticing the little trinkets and photos that have changed over the years. He hasn’t been here for a while.
“Can I sit?” Phainon asks, patting your bed. You nod and say yes, and you both sit on the edge. You didn’t know where to start- diving straight into the obvious thing seemed too heavy.
“Mydei told me you were busy…” You remark. “I thought you weren’t gonna come.”
“I know.” He admits sheepishly. You felt the honesty beneath his words as he tries to ease any negative feelings you might harbour towards him for his initial excuse. “I just thought that… I had crossed a line.”
“Crossed a line?” You repeat. Phainon pauses, then sighs endearingly. Your question was innocent, yet posed a different meaning for Phainon. For the first time in weeks, he feels the weight of what he’s kept inside.
“Remember what happened after the mixer?” Phainon asks. You nod, and he continues. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Done what?”
“You know what.” He says with a light chuckle and nudge to your arm to ease the tension and awkwardness. “I… I almost kissed you.”
“But I almost kissed you too.” You remark guilelessly. Your gaze was unwavering, and you can feel him register the resolve behind it. You weren’t going to drop this were you? Of course you weren’t. So Phainon exhales slowly, giving a small awkward smile as he lowers his guard a little.
“...And that’s the problem. You’re Mydei’s sister. You’re not just anyone to me (Y/n)- you’re important. I can’t risk ruining what I have with you and Mydei.” Phainon sighs, rubbing his forehead like this was making him sweat. With how he was behaving, you get the feeling that he likely felt guilty- like a bastard who shouldn’t be liking his best friend’s sister, making it equivalent to a sin. Phainon seems to know something you don’t. Phainon sputters a little as he’s stuck between going off on a nervous rant and being gentle. Then he finally brings himself to explain further. “I-I mean… what would you have done if we really leaned in? Do you even know how to kiss?”
“No…” You admit. “But you seem like you’d be good at it.”
“You really think so?” Phainon laughs softly, seeming curious at your remark. Oddly enough, his tone gets softer like a whisper as he presses you for another question. “Why do you say that?”
“You’re… you know…” You stammer, trying to latch onto something specific, but truthfully you could say anything. You take a good look at him and he’s still perfection incarnate. Phainon laughs softly again.
“I think you think way too highly of me.” He smiles, his tone slightly teasing like he found your answer amusing. You might even go as far as to say that he might’ve sounded a bit shy when he said that. Phainon’s hand lays on the bed, his pinky millimeters away from yours. He leans back a bit, as if to get a better look at you too. “How would you know if I’ve kissed anyone?”
You think again for a moment, except this time you didn’t have an answer. Phainon looks back at you patiently.
“I don’t know.” You admit quietly, but determination lingers in your eyes. Did you really know? No, of course not. No matter how perfect you thought he was, there was no way you could know if he had that kind of experience. So there was only one way to.
“But I want to know.”
Phainon’s breath catches in his throat, genuinely speechless for a moment at your response. He simply looks at you, the noises of the evening starting to disappear. His blue eyes seem strangely brighter than usual, like they were seeing every past version of yourself. And now here you were, your present self saying words that mirrored his own when he first met you, yearning to know more about each other. Just a girl standing in the hallway, waiting for someone to notice her, and a kind boy simply smiling back at her, who always has. He suddenly lets out a chuckle, small and breathless as he finally surrenders his noble front.
“Come here then.” He coaxes softly, his lashes seemingly fluttering in slow motion as his eyes open. You blink in surprise.
“What?”
“Come here.” Phainon repeats, his expression softening. His smile doesn’t falter, in fact- only getting wider and making the corners of his eyes crinkle in that boyish way you’ve always known. Somehow, you understood, and you start to surrender your own noble front as you move closer to him, unashamedly smiling just as bright as him.
Phainon’s eyes trail your own as your thigh touches his. His hand comes up carefully to cup your cheek. There was no more hesitation in either of your movements. No more almosts and no more waiting- only the split second pause where you both realize this was the closest you’ve ever been, breaths mingling and eyes hazy as if you both couldn’t believe this was happening. You lean in even more, just the same as you did that night, and Phainon does too, just like you always knew he would.
He leans down, and presses his lips to yours, letting his restraint crack just to taste what he’s been waiting so long for. You both close your eyes, savouring soft warmth of each other’s lips. Even the little smiles and chuckles, and now your hands softly laying on his chest were enjoyable.
You pull away for a brief moment, yours and Phainon’s lips leaving with a soft smooch sound. There was a flicker of disbelief in your eyes, with Phainon’s looking equally as stunned. But the easy smiles that come after make you realize how it came so effortlessly for Phainon- nothing but affection.
You both stare at each other, a little breathless and a little shy as if it was a way to come back down to Earth. But neither of you seem to want to let go. Phainon’s hand remains near your cheek, while yours remains loosely gripping onto the hem of his shirt.
“I’m glad you wanted to know.” Phainon says softly with an awkward but loving smile. He gets a laugh out of you too, and even now he finds himself craving the sound more. He’d like to make you laugh like that more in the future. Now if only… “Shit- your brother’s gonna kill me.”
You watch as Phainon looks away slightly, his face going pale except for a sheepish blush. The consequence dawns on you as well, but in this moment as you’re still high on dopamine, you couldn’t bring yourself to feel it.
“He’s gonna kill me too.” You shrug, trying to make him feel better. “And you say it as if you’re not one of his favourite people.”
“You’re his sister, he can’t be mad at you. Not for long at least.” Phainon says while sighing. Even though this guilt eats him up, he can’t help but smile. “Me though… I might need to pay in my next life.”
“But he’s never threatened to disown you.” You challenge. Phainon lets out a hearty laugh at your honesty, knowing his best friend could get quite creative with insults.
“Maybe not, but I feel like I’m about to find out.” Still, even if you both were about to be disowned by Mydei, you don’t think you’ve ever seen Phainon look this happy to be disowned.
“We should head down now.” Phainon says softly, as the laughter dies down. You nod, though neither of you really move, both still sitting on your bed, smiling like dopes. You both laugh again, until Phainon stands and offers you his hand to stand up as well.
You take it without hesitation, and he pulls you up gently. And he doesn’t let go- neither of you do actually.
His fingers fit between yours easily, like it was meant to be this way. You and Phainon begin to walk towards your bedroom door to exit, though he seems a little hesitant.
“(Y/n)- how exactly are we going to explain to Mydei about this…?” He asks nervously, looking mildly embarrassed. You shrug, still not really caring.
“He’s just gonna have to deal with it.” You say casually, reaching for the doorknob. “Also, maybe don’t mention my brother within five minutes after we kiss.”
A cheeky grin spreads on Phainon's face, finding your response utterly defiant yet endearing. He chuckles, shaking his head while smiling helplessly. A thousand teasing responses are circling within his head, though he opts to sprinkle a little sarcasm in there. “My bad. I’ll try to do better next time then.”
“Oh? There will be a next time?”
A guttural scream tears through your throat (again?). MYDEI?!
Your’s and Phainon’s jaws both go slack, speechless as you both remain frozen in the threshold of your doorway. There stood your brother, deadpan with his arms crossed… wearing an apron and oven mitts.
“Wh- MYDEI!!” You scream, mortified. You want to throw something at him, but the only thing beside you was a Phainon. “How long have you been standing there?!”
“How long have I been standing here? I think the better question is why you both aren’t downstairs.” Mydei’s tone reeks of sarcasm, very much not in the mood to take any bullshit from either of you.
You realize Mydei was right- the entire house smelled delicious with the smells of good food was wafting everywhere.
“There are steaks being grilled outside. I made honeycake...” Mydei lists, looking genuinely perplexed. Then his eyes look between you and Phainon, looking absolutely disgusted. “And yet here you both are… …kissing?”
You think you see Mydei shiver and gag slightly when he says the k-word, which should have been funny but right now you feel too defensive to think about that.
“MYDEI!!”
Mydei barely has time to react when you suddenly decide to launch yourself at him.
“Hey-” Mydei sputters, grunting as you smack his arm, and then his shoulder. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!”
“What is wrong with you?!” You snap back and hit your brother more though it doesn’t really affect him since he was holding you back.
Meanwhile, Phainon watches the petty catfight of a sibling argument with a fond smile on his face. With Mydei looking disgusted while wearing an apron and oven mitts, fighting against you who was aggressively clawing at your brother like a cat, Phainon internally declares that he has never seen a more stupid thing in his life. Goodness, was this the glory that Kremnoans were known for? Somehow, it endeared him even more.
“I don’t get why you’d be busy kissing when there’s good food downstairs.”
“STOP SAYING IT!”
“I made you a honeycake… for this?”
“I know you made honeycake! You mentioned it fifty times in the past two minutes! Is this seriously your priority?!”
“My priority?- Look at yours!”
Was there really any point to this argument anymore?
After a few more lovely seconds of arguing, Phainon sighs fondly and clasps his hands, one of yours and the other on your brother’s shoulder. You and Mydei oddly stop bickering, both looking at Phainon’s expression which could only be described as fond disbelief. This entire scene was ridiculous, but somehow also his favourite.
“Alright alright, let’s just go down now. Hm?” Phainon smiles, hoping to ease the playful bullying. Mydei continues to glare at him. Right message, wrong messenger…
“...I’m gonna kill that guy.” Mydei seethes, looking straight at Phainon yet addressing you.
You want to start fighting your brother again, but to your surprise, Phainon laughs harder before you could react. Then, with the same gentle amusement from years ago, he reaches over and lightly pats Mydei’s shoulder.
“I’ll hold you to it.”
The words feel familiar, because they are. You look at him now- his eyes crinkling with mirth as he said nearly the same thing months ago. For some reason, as you watch Mydei glare at Phainon- the bastard you just kissed had the audacity to smile at him, the silent look they gave each other somehow explained something you were secretly worrying about this whole time but never had to.
Mydei probably knew, you think. You’re not sure how long he’s been suspecting it, though when you look back at your own antics it was probably obvious anyway. You cringe internally, not wanting to think about your brother knowing about this thing with Phainon for who knows how long.
“Now- can we go eat before someone gets murdered?” Phainon asks tenderly, interrupting the chaos. It’s ironic how Phainon seems the happiest here, while you and Mydei both grumble and surrender. He’s still smiling, still patient with you and your brother. Phainon laughs again, and you all head downstairs together- though this time, Phainon doesn’t let go of your hand.
And naturally, you don’t think to let go either.
Your porch lights seem to glow with the same warmth that you’ve felt over the years. Your mother lovingly scolds Mydei for disappearing, and Mydei only grumbles saying nobody appreciates his cooking.
You feel thirteen again as your memories overlap with reality. The smell of home cooking, summer air drifting through the windows, your brother being broody… And Phainon- a boy who started out a mystery, a teenage boy who simply sat at your table smiling like he already belonged there. You come to realize something: Phainon had never been a guest at this house.
All those years, while you were busy mourning things you thought weren’t meant for you, something else was growing beside you the whole time. He became so much more to you, simply because he wanted to be, and because you finally let him.
And for Phainon? Of course it was easy for him. He had always been reaching for home in the first place.
─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───
Notes:
For reference, this fic is called Seventeen :)
Anyway thank you for reading! I hope you all enjoyed <3
Edit: THERE ARE SO MANY ERRORS I'M CRINGING SO BAD
phainon x gn!reader fluff, set post-ampho in a perfect world, cipher meddling, pre-relationship.
"and why do you have such a large plushie of phainon?" you stare down at the toy that cipher has thrust into your arms.
its likeness to him is uncanny; from the strands of his snowy hair to his overly complicated outfit that was hand designed by aglaea, every component of phainon was captured so well that this truly looked like a one-to-one replica. whoever designed and produced him has obviously put great care into his design.
except...
"why is he crying?"
little fabric tears dot his eyes and its small frown really makes it seem as though he's truly upset.
"don't judge a book by its cover, little y/n!" the titan of trickery scolds, "this one was the most popular! i stole him off the shelves just for you because he was one of a kind, everyone in planarcadia was a fiend for this specific one."
"you got one just for me?" you ask, looking up at her with a puzzled expression. "why me?"
"don't act like you don't want it, dear y/n."
you glance away, embarrassment creeping up your neck. you regret telling her about your (huge) crush on the hero. "do they enjoy watching people cry or something?"
"i don't know and don't care, i'm still waiting on a thanks, you know."
"thank you, cipher," you hold the soft plushie against your chest, "i'm glad i have an adorable version of phainon now."
she chuckles, "you should give plushienon a kiss to cheer him up!"
"don't call him plushienon, and i'm not kissing a toy!"
"aww, c'mon, it's just the deliverer boy, what's wrong with that?"
"it's embarrassing and juvenile!" you murmur, hiding behind the tufts of white hair.
"it's embarrassing to show the love of your life some affection?" she pouts, dramatising a pout. "this isn't even him, what will you do when it is the real deal?"
"fine!" you huff. "i'll kiss him!"
she giggles, satisfied. you press a fleeting kiss to his covered forehead, the fabric soft underneath your lips. you don't linger long, getting ready to sass cipher with a quip, but the words die on your tongue when you notice something unbelievable.
the small frown and teary blues that plushienon previously had have morphed into a beaming smile and bright eyes, the sudden change catching you off guard.
what is this elation magic- you swear he was crying before!
"little y/n, you look like you've seen a ghost! what's wrong?" cipher asks as she studies your expression with great amusement. "surely kissing him can't be that unenjoyable-"
you turn him around, "why is he happy all of a sudden?"
she begins cackling, her tail whipping. "oh my! i didn't know this thing was going to be true to life!"
"did you do something to him? you didn't use your trickery powers, did you?" you ask wildly, looking at him again to make sure that he was still smiling- and indeed he was. in fact, it seems as though he's grinning wider.
"this is brilliant! wow, i didn't think the deliverer's obnoxiously obvious affection for you would transcend into inanimate versions of himself as well!" the demigod is beside herself now, holding her stomach with tangible glee.
"hey! what do you mean affection? and obvious?"
"you'd find out if you just show him!"
"no!" you shriek, holding the big plushie to your chest now as your flustered cries get hidden by the bustling nature of okhema's markets. "i'm not showing phainon anything!"
an all-too-familiar voice pipes up from beside you. "why not?"
this is the worst day of your life. phainon absolutely can not see you holding a large plushie of him, and he can not know that you discovered it had the ability to change expressions as soon as you kissed its fabric-covered forehead.
cipher, however, had other plans.
"deliverer boy," she greets, "you have many fans outside amphoreus, did you know that? while i was in planarcadia, i found this!"
she gestures to the plushie that you have pressed against your chest. for a moment, the two stare at you expectedly. it is with great embarrassment that you reveal the item in your arms, unable to make eye contact with the white-haired before you.
"is that me?" he questions, "am i… crying?"
"isn't it so cute? wouldn't you agree, y/n?" cipher prods.
"i don't think it's cute because it's crying!" you murmur, trying to defend what is left of your dignity.
"so you think it's cute because it's lord phainon?"
"cipher!" you wish the ground could swallow you whole.
"anyways, what's more important is that y/n has found an interesting discovery by kissing plushie-you's forehead. why don't you show the great hero of amphoreus?"
you frown, the heat in your cheeks now unbearable. with a grumble, you turn around so that your back was towards the pair, not allowing either of them to see you peck the plushie's forehead. turning around, its frown has now transformed into a beaming smile, delight completely painting over its previously-woeful expression.
phainon is quiet for a moment and you brace for the worst, your heart thumping wildly in your ears as you wait for him to be offended or disgusted by your discovery.
instead, it is him who completely rips the carpet from underneath your feet.
"interesting, they've captured me scarily accurately…"
^ these are the plushies if anyone was curious/has not seen them
in which : under the care of an endearing knight who seems far more than he lets on, you can't help but notice his gaze often lingers on you as if forgetting him was the cruelest thing you could’ve done.
wc: 11.1k (it gets better as u read i promise!!), historical / royalty au, knight x princess, reader is from aedes elysiae, let’s give it up for sir phainon aka yearnmaster3000, childhood friends + amnesia, fem reader referred to as “princess” / “my lady”, art by 子执子知 (id: 61319986479) on douyin.
this is what happens when ure unemployed n have a big fat crush on phainon. enjoy !
PROLOGUE: WHY WON’T THE HANDSOME KNIGHT MEET MY EYES?
you’re not sure what’s stranger.
how natural it feels to walk beside prince mydeimos again after all these years, or the fact that he is personally leading you around castrum kremnos like an old friend.
which, technically, he is.
you grew up crossing paths at the same royal festivals and formal banquets, you even attended mydei’s own coming of age ceremony at some point. though you rarely saw each other beyond such occasions, you still managed to build a rather good friendship over the years.
“this way,” he says, pushing open the doors to the training grounds.
you squint against the sudden sunlight. the rhythmic clang of metal against metal reaches your ears as dozens of knights spar in duels, while others run drills under the barked commands of their captains, sweat darkening the collars of their tunics.
somewhere in your chest, a distant ache stirs.
your parents had only your best interests at heart. they wanted you somewhere safe especially after the assassination attempt that left you with only half your memory intact.
the neighboring kingdom, castrum kremnos, was the obvious choice; home to the finest warriors in the land, and close enough to your homeland that you wouldn’t feel entirely adrift.
and so, here you are now, a year after your coming of age ceremony, standing on foreign soil under the protection of another kingdom.
they hoped a change of scenery might help you heal after all these years.
“i was told,” you say, “that i’m to choose a knight.”
mydei nods, “it’s customary. you’ll remain under kremnos’ protection regardless, but a personal escort will ease the council’s worries. and your parents’.”
you don’t suppose you like the idea of having a glorified babysitter in metal armor, but alas, you understand why it’s necessary.
finally, you come to a stop at the edge of the training grounds. “choose carefully. these men and women will lay down their lives for you, should the need arise.”
your eyes sweep over the crowd, scanning the lines of soldiers before you—until they catch on a certain figure and don’t move again.
he kneels like the rest, yet something about him sets him apart.
snow-white hair falls loosely over his face, obscuring most of it, catching the sunlight like spun silver. with his head bowed, you can’t see much, only the sharp line of his jaw, the smooth curve of his cheek.
but what little you can glimpse is almost ethereal; the kind you might even call beautiful.
mydeimos’ voice rings out, taking you out of your trance and dismissing the knights back to their training. boots scuff against stone at the command as they stand and begin to disperse across the grounds.
as they return to their drills, you sense more than a few lingering looks subtly aimed your way—brief, curious flickers of the eye; some seem eager to catch your attention, others simply taking in the sight of the visiting princess.
where the others can’t help but sneak a glimpse, you notice he doesn’t so much as lift his head.
his focus locked somewhere far from you. not once does he look at you; in fact, he’s the only one who doesn’t.
you glance back toward the field just as a commotion starts to stir.
from your vantage point, it’s easy to spot a few older knights surrounding a younger recruit, likely an inexperienced junior, judging by his awkwardness and stiff movements.
the knights goad him with swings he clearly struggles to deflect, one even slips in a low sweep that knocks him off balance, and when he stumbles back, barely managing to stay upright, the laughter that follows is nothing short of mean-spirited.
in the midst of everything, one of them even glances toward you.
ah. so that’s what this is. show-offs, the lot of them.
your brows furrow slightly at the sight in front of you. the hits aren’t hard enough to injure, but still, that’s no way to treat your comrades! you’re just about to lean toward mydei to ask if this kind of thing happens often when—
the white-haired knight approaches with a calm, unhurried gait, tilting his head slightly in a casual nod.
“three on one?” you hear him say, voice clear even from a distance. "doesn’t seem very fair to me."
“captain,” one of the older knights replies, straightening slightly, though there’s still a trace of a smirk on his face. "we’re just testing the rookie’s reflexes. builds character, you know."
“oh? then let me help.” he draws his training sword in one smooth motion, the blade gleaming under the sun. “how about i take his place? i could use a little discipline myself.”
a short silence follows; the knights glance at one another.
then, with a begrudging scoff, one of them steps forward, rolling his shoulders as he raises his blade.
“don’t go easy on me, captain.”
“wouldn’t dream of it. though if this is your way of impressing her highness…” he briefly flicks his gaze up toward you, the look on his face is hard to pin down—
“you’re doing a terrible job.”
ACT I: WHY HIS LOYALTY WAS MINE ALONE
the spar that follows isn’t violent, but it’s unmistakably a lesson (one the egoistical bunch sorely needs).
the white-haired knight meets every blow with ease, and effectively disarms his opponents. the difference is immediate.
by the time the bout ends, the three knights lower their blades, avoiding his gaze as they shamefully retreat with stiff bows. the white-haired knight gives the junior still watching from the sidelines a quick, reassuring pat on the shoulder, and murmurs something you can’t quite hear.
you blink.
that was… unexpectedly gentle.
and very impressive.
“you’ve got a sharp eye. that’s phainon, the captain of the royal knights,” mydei adds with a touch of reluctance, “the only one here who can rival me in a spar, unfortunately.”
you stifle a laugh. the image of the oh-so-mighty mydeimos getting knocked flat in training is too good to resist. must be frustrating, being shown up by your own subordinate.
he shoots you a sideways glance. “you look like you’re thinking something rude.”
urk… nevermind!
anyway, you feel a bit guilty; you’d meant to observe everyone objectively, to judge them fairly by their skill. but admittedly, you’d been staring more at his face than anything else on the field here.
still, as that little display just now proved, he also happens to be the most capable one out there (given that he’s the captain and all).
so really, it’s a win-win isn’t it?
your eyes naturally drift back to him across the courtyard, and when his gaze unexpectedly meets yours, you offer a small, pleasant smile.
for a moment, something in his expression falters. his pupils seem to dilate ever so slightly like he’s been caught off guard, before he quickly averts his gaze as though he hadn’t seen you at all.
“do you know him?” mydei asks, curiosity evident in his tone.
“no,” you reply without hesitation.
his hair—snow-white, so striking in a way that feels impossible to forget. you’re almost certain you would remember it if you had seen him before, somewhere in passing, though where or when eludes you.
you brush the thought aside. probably just a trick of the eye.
while you’re busy conversing with mydei, you miss the way his gaze keeps drifting to you whenever you aren’t looking; and how, earlier, when your eyes passed over him without a trace of recognition, he turned away just as fast.
mydei gestures him over; he approaches and comes to a stop before you both, offering a courteous bow.
when phainon lifts his head, his eyes find yours—and for the first time, he doesn’t look away. they’re warmer than you expect, startlingly soft, and the way he holds your gaze makes your breath catch a little.
you blink, unsure what to make of the sudden attention, and even more unsure why it leaves your heart skipping a beat.
but before you can dwell on it, he drops to one knee. “thank you for choosing me, my lady,” he says, voice steady. “i’ll protect you with my life.”
ACT II: WHY I FELT SOMETHING AKIN TO WARMTH
you don’t remember much of your childhood, not after that day. your memory fractures like shattered glass around the moment you were attacked, during the afternoon you snuck out.
your parents told you it was a group of mercenaries that vanished without a trace after the failed assassination and that you were lucky someone nearby had saved you in time.
whoever it was carried you back, left you somewhere safe enough for the guards to find you in a bloodied and unconscious state, before disappearing without any indications of their identity.
the search that followed led nowhere. there were no witnesses, and your testimony was of no help either, you couldn’t recall a thing about the attack. even now, it’s all a blur, likely a side effect of the trauma caused by this incident and the coma that followed.
and though you tried, again and again, to recall the face of your savior… there was nothing.
still, some part of you is convinced it wasn’t just a stranger. deep down, you’ve always believed it must have been someone dear to you—and the only person that comes to mind is a boy your age who you’d often sneak off to play with when you were young.
but you can’t recall his name. or what he looked like. not even the sound of his voice.
but whoever he was… you’re certain he was the first person who ever made you feel truly loved.
since your arrival at kremnos, the letters haven’t stopped.
every few days, a fresh stack arrives. you open elegant envelopes sealed in wax; promises of affection, proposals of alliance, declarations of admiration from noblemen near and far, so on and so forth.
you never read past the first few lines.
today is no different. you absentmindedly sort through the pile as they gather on your desk, eyes glazed from the monotony—until a familiar crest pressed into pastel pink wax catches your attention.
from… countess cyrene?
countess cyrene of aedes elysiae; though your duties often kept you both endlessly busy, the two of you still exchanged letters now and then.
you’ve always looked forward to her letters. this one is no different.
the letter comes in her familiar flowing script. she writes that word of your stay in kremnos has reached her—and she’s delighted, at last, to have a reason to visit. once her family matters are in order, she promises to make the trip and see her old friend again.
you continue to read for a while, barely noticing how the sky softens into twilight. and at some point, without meaning to, you fall asleep.
when phainon finds you, the room is quiet, bathed in the gentle hush of dusk.
you’re fast asleep beneath the warm spill of fading light, your breathing soft, the faintest crease between your brows. you’re slumped over the desk, cheek resting against your arm.
he pauses in the doorway. maybe it’s the way your features have softened in sleep, or how the dying light catches the way your hair falls over your face. maybe it’s because, just for a moment, you look almost delicate to touch.
his gaze traces your sleeping face, and something tender tugs at his chest—so achingly soft it almost hurts.
he really wants to call your name.
but as a knight, his loyalty belongs to the empire, and with that vow comes a line he’s sworn never to cross—one that makes love for a princess he serves forbidden.
wait, what was he thinking? he quickly shakes himself awake.
because if he lets even a sliver of that feeling slip through, he’s not sure he’ll have the will power to stop himself from crossing that line.
so instead, he shrugs off his cloak and drapes it gently over your shoulders, hands careful not to graze your skin.
he tells himself this is enough. it has to be.
by the time your eyes flutter open, he clears his throat.
“forgive me, your highness,” he mutters, his voice gently pulling you out of your slumber, “i merely wished to shield you from the wind.”
you blink up at him, still bleary with sleep; and the tips of his ears turn the faintest shade of red under the lazy, unfocused way you look at him.
“it’s quite alright. thank you, sir phainon.”
but his heart knows better than to believe it’s truly enough.
that night, as you lie beneath the silk canopy of your bed, eyes lost in the dim glow of the ceiling, your fingers find the necklace resting at your collarbone.
you toy with the pendant absently; you don’t remember when it was given to you, only that you’ve had it for as long as you can remember.
and as always, your thoughts drift to him.
your dearest childhood friend—whose hands were as soft and warm as summer. he’d reach for you, and you’d follow without hesitation, slipping past watchful guards into the wild beyond the palace walls.
you’d race through sunlit fields until your lungs burned and laughter spilled freely from your chest; lying beside each other as you chattered on about suffocating etiquettes in the palace, while he’d offer you pastries from stalls in markets you never get to visit.
being with him always smelled of freshly bloomed wildflowers and sun-warmed earth—the kind of scent that clung to your sleeves long after you’d returned to the palace, hoping no one would notice where the young princess had been all afternoon.
you remember the weeks after you woke from the coma; how every morning, you’d pull back the curtains and press your forehead to the cool glass, eyes sweeping the grounds in silence.
waiting for a glimpse of a familiar wave.
but no matter how high the sun rose, no matter how many mornings passed… that never came. and even now, you still find yourself wondering—
why didn’t he come back for you?
you pull phainon’s cloak a little closer around your shoulders. it smells faintly of wildflowers, just like those days you still dream about.
and somehow, that’s enough to lull you to sleep.
ACT III: WHY, YOU ARE THE APPLE OF MY EYE!
in the stillness of the royal infirmary, long after the palace has fallen quiet for the night, a young boy stands beside the bed of the unconscious princess.
a dark hooded cloak hangs off his small frame; even tucked beneath the fabric, the pale strands of his snow-white hair caught what little moonlight filtered in.
he lingers quietly, gaze fixed on her face, bruised and bandaged. his hands tremble as he reaches for hers, lifting it gently to his lips before pressing a soft kiss to her palm.
then, he tucks a delicate necklace into her hand and folds her fingers around it.
it is a modest thing, barely worth a glance to anyone else, but he had spent the last of his coins on it the moment it caught his eye at the market stall. a sun-shaped pendant. it reminded him too much of her—warm, bright, and out of his reach.
“wait for me,” he whispers. “i’ll be strong enough to protect you one day, no one… no one will ever hurt you again,” he whispers just barely above his breath. “i promise.”
he could’ve sworn her expression softened, the crease between her brows smoothing ever so slightly, as if his words had reached her in her slumber. in his hopeful haze, it felt real enough to believe the faintest smile on her face was meant for him.
taking one final glance, he slipped away the way he came, vanishing into the shadows before anyone knew he was ever there.
phainon, as it turns out, is surprisingly easy to talk to.
conversation with him flows more naturally than you’d imagined. he listens well no matter how trivial the topic is; and maybe it’s the cute way he tilts his head when he’s curious, or how he noticeably brightens just a little when you laugh—you can’t help but notice there’s something undeniably charming about him.
you learn this as the two of you walk through the outer streets of kremnos.
mydei had suggested you take time to acquaint yourself with the city beyond the palace walls, and you’d agreed without hesitation. a quiet stroll sounded like a welcome change of pace.
of course, you couldn’t exactly parade through the city without drawing unwanted attention.
so you and your knight both don simple cloaks over your usual attire, hoods drawn low to obscure your faces. from a distance, you look like nothing more than a traveler and her escort.
the narrow lane eventually opens into a quieter square where flower stalls line the street. a thought strikes you.
“sir phainon, if you had to choose,” you say, glancing at him from beneath your hood. “say, what would your favorite flower be?”
phainon blinks, “…a flower? my lady, i don’t think i’ve ever been asked that.” he sheepishly scratches the back of his neck.
“but surely you have one.” you insist, a small smile tugging at your lips.
phainon’s brows knit slightly as his gaze sweeps over the stalls. for a moment, he looks lost, till his eyes linger on a bouquet of sunflowers, their golden petals tilted toward the fading afternoon light. his gaze flickers briefly from the flowers to you, then back again.
“sunflowers, maybe.”
your smile widens. “is that so? i suppose sunflowers are really unique, especially their tendency to follow the sun wherever it goes.”
when you glance to the side to gauge his reaction, you realize he’s already looking at you. you almost miss the faintest trace of color dusting his cheeks as he squints slightly, as though he was looking directly into the sun itself.
“for your lady, sir?” the vendor asks brightly, holding up a single stem of sunflower.
phainon startles as though woken from a dream. his eyes dart from the vendor to you, and he straightens abruptly, clearing his throat. the faint blush that had lingered on his face deepens.
“she’s not— i mean— well, yes, if she wants, but—”
you can’t help laughing at phainon’s flustered reaction, taking the flower yourself. “i’ll take it then, thank you.”
he finds himself trailing just a step behind you as you skip ahead.
and it dawns on him; perhaps sunflowers don’t choose to follow the sun, but because they simply can’t help it. no matter how far its warmth drifts, they’ll always turn their faces toward the light.
and as he watches you from behind, phainon realizes he’s doing much the same.
ACT III: WHY I FELT A SENSE OF DÉJÀ VU
the dagger pressed cold against her throat.
“not a word,” the man hissed. his voice was calm unlike the tremor in the maid’s hands as she stood frozen, the tip of the dagger tracing the hollow of her neck. “do exactly as i say, and you’ll live.”
“p-please,” she stammered, lips quivering. “i beg, don’t—”
outside, the corridor was silent. most of the guards had been drawn away toward the western gate, distracted by a false report of intruders. the eastern wing, where the princess’s chambers lay, was almost deserted. just as planned.
the man’s gaze darted toward the far end of the hall. “where is she?”
“i— i don’t know. her highness said she wished for some—”
the dagger pressed deeper, drawing a thin bead of red beneath her chin.
“...in her quarters!” she gasped. “please, don’t hurt—”
“get me the oil,” he shoved the maid aside. make sure there are no witnesses, we’re here to assassinate the princess.
moments later, the corridors of the east wing filled with the faint scent of smoke.
the maid dropped the oil vessel and staggered back, horrified by what she had done; choking on her sobs as she fled down the hall. he watched her go until the sound of her footsteps faded, then tipped the lantern, adding fuel to the fire.
the flames leapt to life, devouring everything in their path.
you rise from your chair, a surge of alarm clawing at your chest. “is someone there?”
no answer.
by the time you reach for the door, the handle sears your palm with heat.
flames crackle as tendrils of smoke curl beneath the doors, making way into your chambers. just outside, unsuspecting attendants flee in panic, their screams muffled as they scramble through the palace.
you snatch a cloth from the table, and douse it with water, wrapping it around your hand before grasping the scorching handle.
but just as you brace to pull the door open, you freeze—dark streaks of oil begin to snake across the floor, seeping in from the gap beneath the door.
your stomach drops; in the next second, flames bloom like wildfire at your feet.
you instinctively take a few steps back. it claws at the edges of the curtains, the heat pressing in from every side as your lungs burn with each ragged cough.
a wave of icy dread crashes over you. every gut screams that this is no accident. the oil creeping deliberately under your doorframe leaves no room for doubt: someone did this on purpose.
could it be that they have returned for you, after all these years…?
your heart leaps when the window starts rattling violently; shattered glass and shards scatter across the floor as someone steps through the broken pane, hands bare and bleeding from the jagged edges of glass.
“sir phainon?”
the sight of him through the haze makes your heart stutter.
“what are you doing here? you should—” you cough violently, waving at the acrid air. “you should get out… it’s not safe here!”
phainon’s eyes dart toward the door behind you, where he knows other guards, dispatched the moment the fire broke out, were racing to reach your chambers.
but as he suspected, there was no safe passage leading to you. thus why he had to find an alternative as soon as possible.
without a second thought, he finds a way in himself, barely feeling the pain in his bloodied knuckles nor the scorching hot flames, driven by nothing but the need to reach you before it’s too late.
“forgive me, my lady, but i cannot obey that order.”
and though he says nothing more, the truth is written plainly across his face—
you are all that matters to him. and the thought of losing you again is something he can’t bear to even imagine.
“please hold on to me.”
you barely manage to question him before he sweeps an arm securely around your waist, pulling you close enough to feel the rise and fall of his chest. the fire devours what’s left of the room as he braces his bleeding hands against the shattered sill, blood smearing faintly across the glass.
“phainon—your hands—”
he grins faintly, “you can scold me later, princess, preferably when we’re not on fire.”
before you can respond, he lifts you through the window and out into the open air; instinctively, you grab at the front of his cloak, clutching the fabric to steady yourself.
the cold rush of wind hits you like a wave, stealing the heat and smoke from your lungs.
he lands hard against the grass outside, his body twisting to shield you from the fall. his hand finds the back of your head, guiding it against his shoulder as he absorbs the brunt of the blow.
the impact jostles you both; for a heartbeat, neither of you moves. you can only feel the rough fabric of his shirt beneath your fingers, the rapid, unsteady rhythm of his heart pounding against your palm.
phainon exhales shakily, his grip loosening just enough for you to lift your head. concern is written all over the beautiful face laying under you, but neither of you seem to remember how close you are.
“let’s get you somewhere safe, my lady.”
he kneels beside you, hands moving with careful precision as he dampens a cloth and gently wipes the dirt from your skin.
you notice the faint tremor in his fingers as he tends to the scrape along your arm, the subtle tension in his jaw; his eyes that flit over you… your face, your hands, your shoulders, as if searching for possible wounds you haven’t noticed yet.
“i’m not badly hurt,” you murmur, watching him.
he pauses, eyes flicking up to catch your gaze. “even so, my lady,” he replies, “it eases my mind to be certain.”
“thank you, i’m alright, really.”
he knows he has no right to act as anything more than your devoted knight, yet he tends to you with a fervor that defies norms. each careful touch, each lingering glance, speaks of a devotion that goes far beyond; protecting you has become a desperate, almost instinctive need for him.
his fingers brush a loose strand of hair from your forehead, lingering a moment longer than necessary, and for an instant the world outside the safehouse feels like it’s miles away. the closeness and the warmth of his hand against your skin, makes your chest tighten unexpectedly.
he clears his throat, snapping himself from the reverie. “i merely wish to ensure you are unharmed.”
you nod, “but what about you, phainon?”
phainon, phainon, phainon… how long had he waited to hear those two syllables fall from your lips? the sound rolls off your tongue like honey, enough to make him delirious off its sweetness.
you tilt your head at his lack of response, eyes lowering towards his knuckles; the blood may be wiped away, but the marks of the glass-cut injuries remain.
“…does it still hurt?” you ask softly, reaching for his hand before he can draw it back.
his hand is warm and rough in your grasp; you trace the edges of the cuts gently, thumb brushing over a faint streak of dried blood.
“you shouldn’t have done something so reckless,” you mutter, tearing a strip of cloth from your sleeve to wrap around his knuckles.
phainon watches in silence, gaze following the furrow of your brow, the faint crease of worry that doesn’t belong on your face.
and as your fingers tighten the makeshift bandage around his knuckles, his heart pounds loud enough that he’s sure you could hear it, if you only leaned a little closer.
unfortunately, this humble warehouse was built to house only one person at most, which explained the lone bed pushed against the wall.
at first, he stubbornly insists on sleeping on the floor, but you protest, unwilling to let a wounded man rest on the unforgiving floor.
in bed, he tries to give you most of the space, or at least he intends to… but with his broad frame, it’s impossible not to take up more than his fair share (despite his genuine best efforts).
so when your shoulder brushes against his, he stiffens, and you notice the subtle way his hand flexes around the sheet. the bandaged fingers of his curl involuntarily, white-knuckled, the muscle in his forearm trembling slightly as he wills himself to remain still, to restrain the urge to reach out, to pull you closer.
he convinces himself it’s the soreness in his knuckles keeping him awake, not the warmth of your body pressed against his side.
he stares at the ceiling long after you’ve drifted off (though he can’t help but sneak a few glances from time to time), listening to the even rise and fall of your breathing.
seeing you safe and here beside him once more, it’s the same comfort he remembers from long ago, like coming home after a long, restless journey.
after all this time, he finally has the chance to keep his promise.
the thought is enough to coax a small, unguarded smile to the corners of his lips.
INTERLUDE: WHY A PROMISE MUST BE REMEMBERED
his breathing was ragged, his steps uneven as he darted into the narrow alleyway behind the market. dust rose beneath his boots, mingling with the late-evening light that spilled through the cracks between the rooftops.
he hadn’t stolen anything. he swore he hadn’t. but when the steward’s silver ring had gone missing, and he’d just happened to pass by with his ragged appearance, that was all it took for them to put the blame on him. he learnt that explaining was futile when the haughty steward shut him up and called for guards immediately.
he pressed himself behind a crate, trying to calm his breathing. the echo of guards shouting carried faintly down the street.
“he went that way!”
...
“don’t let that rascal get away!”
just then, a figure in a pale dress peeked in, her gaze sweeping the shadows before landing right where he hid.
...!
he bit his lip, eyes squeezing shut, praying to whichever god was listening to him—that she wouldn’t call out to the guards.
“hello?”
his eyes snapped open and he swallowed hard, voice barely a whisper. “…please don’t tell them i’m here.”
she tilted her head, studying the boy crouched behind the crate. “what’s your name?” she asked.
“...phainon.”
“phainon,” she repeated, as if you’re testing the sound on her tongue. “i like that name!”
“well i’m—” she began, but her words were cut short.
“your highness!” the guards called from behind her, relief flooding their tone when they finally spotted the young princess. “there you are, we’ve been looking everywhere! what are you doing here?”
she you blinked, casting a quick glance back toward the crates, before stepping away inconspicuously.
“nothing,” you said lightly. “i thought i heard something and got a little lost.”
“but it seems i’m the only one here.”
the guards exchanged uneasy glances, hesitantly, they inclined their heads.
“understood, your highness. it isn’t safe here, please let us escort you back to the palace before your tutors notice,” one said.
they turned to lead you out of the alleyway, but before you followed, you looked back.
snow-white hair peeked out from behind the crate. his lips parted, as if to speak, but no sound came.
you smiled instead, lifting a finger to your lips to shush him gently, then gave him a playful wink as your parting gift.
phew...
thank god they—wait. wait, did the princess of aedes elysiae… just wink at him?
you don’t see him again for several days, at least not until another quiet afternoon when you manage to slip past your attendants once more.
beyond the palace gardens, down a sloping hill and through the meadow, there’s a quiet spot by the riverbank where almost no one ever goes.
that’s where you find him again.
barefoot, sleeves rolled to his elbows, rinsing mud from his hands in the river. sunlight glints off his pale hair, the ripples painting silver lines across his face. he startles when he notices you standing next to him.
“…your highness?” he blurts, nearly stumbling to his feet.
“so you do remember me.”
there is something about the way he looks at you then, more so resembling the awe of someone faced with a miracle he never quite believed he’d see again. as some people are remembered as heroes because they save lives; while others, like you, because they give one a reason to keep living at all.
he straightens quickly, bowing his head, his hands still damp. “i didn’t expect to see you here, your highness. the palace is quite a ways off.”
you step closer until your reflection joins his in the water. “what a coincidence,” you muse. “i come here often, yet i’ve never once seen you. perhaps it’s fate, then.”
you tilt your head. “what are you doing here, anyway?”
“my parents’ field is nearby,” he says, awkwardly drying his palms on his trousers. “i was fetching water for them, your highness.”
you hum thoughtfully, glancing at the wooden buckets by his feet. “then i suppose i’ve interrupted your work.”
he shakes his head quickly, almost flustered. “no-not at all! you could never be an interruption, my lady!”
amused, you can’t help but giggle at his reaction. the sound makes him blink, unsure whether he’s said something foolish or funny (or both), he shifts his weight from one foot to the other, scratching at his neck before lowering his gaze again, a bashful smile tugging at his lips.
after that day, you find yourselves meeting there more often.
“my lady, are you sneaking out again?”
“maybe… but you won’t tell on me, right?”
neither of you ever spoke of your meetings to anyone. a young princess had no business secretly spending her evenings with a commoner, after all—what would the court say if they ever found out?
yet, despite the vast gulf of social status between you, you never treated him as lesser; and he finds himself drawn to you more with each passing meeting, until he can’t help but notice that his thoughts turn to you long before the day ends.
those little observations grow heavier in his chest as years pass, loving a princess is dangerous, but loving a commoner would be no less so. perhaps you both sense it; even the adults, if they ever knew, would likely dismiss it as nothing more than a fleeting childhood affection, a puppy love that simply, cannot last.
but looking at you now, you seem almost ethereal. is it truly selfish of him to wish you’d never leave? to hope you wouldn’t one day be wedded to some noble prince more fitting of your position?
to imagine himself there instead—if it were him standing beside you, would you look at him differently then?
he hates the way his heart dares to reach for something it has no right to want.
it is such an ugly thought, a feeling so unworthy of you, he fears it might taint you if he even dared to—
“then… when i grow up and become a princess who gets into all sorts of trouble—”
he blinks at you, as though the sweet sound of your voice had pulled him out of a dream. “all sorts of trouble?”
“yes,” you said solemnly. “you’ll come save me, won’t you?”
the boy paused, looking down at his calloused hands. the breeze rustles through the grass, carrying the faint scent of river water between you; he nods, surprisingly earnestly.
“of course, i’ll save you, no matter what.”
you smile brightly at his response, holding out your pinky toward him.
“then it’s a promise!”
he hooks his finger with yours.
“of course, i’ll protect you with my life!”
that day, the sun may be blazing brilliantly overhead, yet its light pales beside the radiant warmth of your smile, a light that touched his heart with a tenderness no dawn could ever match.
ACT V: WHY HE COULDN’T BEAR TO SEE ME SMILE AT ANOTHER
after a pleasant conversation with the knowledgeable lord anaxa, you slip out of the ballroom, and as always—phainon falls into step behind you the instant you turn away.
you push open the imposing doors leading to the balcony; cool night wind rushes in, brushing across your skin like a blessing after hours drowned under chandeliers. the music dulls to a distant hum as the doors ease shut behind you.
exhaling, you lean against the marble railing, letting the air fill your lungs. phainon steps into the moonlight, his gaze softens when it lands on your back.
“my lady,” he says quietly. “are you alright?”
jealousy doesn’t show easily on him.
usually, he’s a man with no need to covet. but nothing about you, or the way he feels for you, has ever been “usual” to him.
every time a noble leaned in too near, every fleeting touch on your arm as if they had any right to—
“yes,” you murmur, tossing a look over your shoulder and offering him a faint, tired smile. “i just needed a breath of fresh air.”
your gaze drops for a moment before lifting to him again. “thank you for staying by my side, phainon.”
it reminds him, cruelly, of the place he stands, of what he can and cannot reach.
a low hum trembles through the air before the first firework bursts into the sky, scattering gold across the night. you both look up instinctively, the sudden glow washing over your faces.
another follows. then another. soon the sky is filled with blooming flowers, each one painting your skin in shifting hues of amber and rose.
“look phainon!” petals of light drift downward, reflected in your awe-filled eyes, “it’s lovely, isn’t it?”
his breath catches at the way you grab his arm out of excitement (moving just enough that the warmth of you grazes against his side), the soft delight in your eyes, the way you lean forward slightly, lips parted in astonishment—
it coaxes dormant parts of his heart awake, blooming slow and treacherous like flowers touched by the morning sun.
“yes,” he says before he could help himself.
yet his gaze rests nowhere near the sky, but rather, on the spectacle that lives inside your gaze, the reflection turning your eyes into something soft and luminous.
he thinks that if there is beauty to behold tonight, it exists far closer than the horizon ahead.
and maybe that is why his next words sit so heavily on his tongue.
“my lady.”
“hm?” your expectant eyes meet his.
phainon swallows.
“in a week or so, i will be stationed at the frontlines away from the capital for some time,” he begins.
you blink, surprise flickering across your face, this is news to you. your fingers tighten on the railing.
you had hoped, more than you dared admit, to spend just a little more time with your beloved knight.
“how long?” you ask with a disappointment you try to swallow down.
“a few years.”
“i see.” a hollow ache blooms beneath your ribs, as if something dear to you is slipping out of reach.
his fingers curl at his sides, knuckles tense; every word he’s buried for years pushes its way up his throat before he can stop it. “and there is also something i have been meaning to say. my lady, i—”
a thunderous crack splits the sky above, drowning out the rest of his words in a blaze of gold.
you tilt your head, “sorry, what was it?” you call over the roaring cascade.
phainon’s mouth opens—then closes again.
“…nothing,” he turns his gaze away from you, “it can wait, my lady.”
and you, standing inches from him, remain blissfully unaware of the words he had finally dared to speak.
the ballroom is nearly unrecognisable once emptied.
you and phainon’s footsteps the only sound left in a place that had been overflowing with grandeur only an hour ago.
“a shame i didn’t get to dance properly tonight,” you say, half jokingly.
“is it?” he asks softly.
you shrug, smiling faintly. “i suppose so.”
“in that case…” he bows lightly, “if you’d allow me, my lady.”
“you know how to dance?” you ask, the hint of a smile tugging your lips.
he exhales a quiet laugh, the corner of his mouth lifting.
a flicker of playfulness ghosts across his face. “why don’t you see for yourself?” he returns with an unexpected hint of teasing gallantry.
you laugh and slip your hand into his.
his palm at your waist warms through the layers of your gown, its delicate threads woven by none other than the esteemed seamstress, lady aglaea.
he looks down, drinking in the sight of you—your flushed cheeks from the cold air, the soft part of your lips as you exhale.
for a man so adept at his weapon, his hands felt remarkably soft on your skin.
phainon’s breath caresses faintly against your temple as he spins you gently under his arm.
you both fall into a gentle sway, soft laughter escaping every once in a while.
he lets himself savor the moment, allowing himself this small indulgence: to believe, if only for tonight, you might recognize him in the same way he has always known you.
ACT VI: WHY I WAS JEALOUS OF HIS 'SECRET LOVER'
phainon almost never left you unattended, but mydei (of all people) was someone he trusted without hesitation. and today he had been ordered to train the troupe preparing for the frontlines, leaving you in the prince’s hands for the afternoon.
left alone with mydei, you slipped into your chairs across from one another with a glass of wine in hand (while he sipped his familiar pomegranate juice).
he regales you with stories of past misadventures, a surprising number involving phainon when he first came to kremnos; the image was so endearing you found yourself laughing, unable to picture that small awkward boy beside the tall composed figure you knew now.
“so how did phainon earn a place among the royal knights? seeing as he’s not of kremnoan blood and all.”
“oh? and what makes you say that?”
you lift a hand in gentle surrender. “only a feeling.”
that earns a soft laugh from the prince. “you’re right. he’s from aedes elysiae.”
aedes elysiae… huh. you knew he feels familiar somehow, especially that scent of fresh meadow he carries that reminds you so fondly of the grassfields back in your homeland.
“he arrived at the palace gates back when we were barely teenagers,” mydei begins. “walked right up to me, introduced himself, and challenged me to a duel on the spot.”
you blink. “a duel?”
“my thoughts exactly,” he says, amused. “he declared that if he won, i would have no choice but to let him join the royal training ranks. insufferably confident, even back then.”
your brows shot up. “and?”
“the duel ended in a tie,” mydei admits with a wry smile. “which, frankly, was the only reason father agreed to it. that old man said any boy who could match me blow for blow deserved at least a chance.” he pauses, swirling the juice in his glass. “we became sparring partners after that. i suppose as a warrior, it was impossible to ignore his determination.”
“in that case,” your gaze drifts toward the empty doorway where phainon had stood earlier, “i should thank that past version of him. had that duel ended differently, our paths may never have crossed.”
“so you’re saying you’re glad i didn’t best him?”” mydei arches one brow in mock offense.
you huffed a soft laugh. “…i wouldn’t put it quite like that.”
he shook his head, the corner of his mouth lifting. “unbelievable.”
“well whatever the outcome of that duel might have been,” he says with unusual gentleness, “i have no doubt he would still have found his way to you.”
you blink, then let out a short incredulous laugh. “really? what’s that supposed to mean, your highness?” you wave it off as a jest, half flustered.
to hide the warmth rising in your cheeks (which now, is much more obvious than the pomegranate tint in mydei’s glass), you clear your throat and reach for the safest refuge you know: changing the subject!
“anyway,” you say lightly, though your heartbeat has yet to settle, “do you happen to know why phainon wanted to be a knight in the first place?”
the prince hums, tapping a finger absentmindedly against his glass. “well, it would’ve been a waste not to put all that talent to use. but,” he leans back, eyes narrowing as he sifts through old memories. “truth be told, he mentioned it once. during a rather… heated match, of all times.”
you perk up. “he did?”
“he said he wanted to become strong enough to keep a promise he once made to an old friend.”
…an old friend?
“it seems he’s cherished that person above almost anyone else.”
you let out a quiet laugh, though it tastes oddly bitter in your mouth.
but before you can press mydei for more—
“talking about me?” phainon steps through the doorway, his eyes flicking between the two of you with a lopsided smirk tugging at his lips.
soon the three of you settle around the table, drinks in hand. laughter spills as easy as the flow of river; stories and playful jabs make the hours slip by almost unnoticed.
“so, almighty mydeimos! pray tell, does her highness know about the time i landed ten perfect strikes on you in a row?” / “even she knows that’s a generous exaggeration, captain…”
"—i demand a rematch! it's not fair, you wear way less than me-" / “wait so… when you said ‘heated’ match you actually meant… a sauna battle?”
rain spills from the sky without so much as a whisper of warning, chilling you to the bone in seconds. without a word, phainon shrugs off his heavy overcoat, lifting it above your head as a shield while the two of you hurry toward the carriage mydei had summoned.
inside, the carriage is dim and quiet, the only sounds are your uneven breaths and rain drumming against the roof.
when you arrive, phainon steps out first and offers his hand, guiding you to your chambers.
the warmth of the room hit you as you sway while fumbling for a towel. “i… i can manage.” you frown slightly, digesting the aftermath of the wine lingering in your system.
“with all due respect, my lady… your alcohol tolerance is abysmal.” his voice carries a chastising tone as he steadies you by the waist before you can tilt forward again.
you ignore the comment, turning your body to face him directly.
“now what are you d—”
his unfinished reprimand dissolves the moment your fingers slip into his hair. snowy strands cling damply to his temples as you gently pat his head, droplets gathering on your fingertips with every ruffle.
phainon goes completely still.
his hands remain at your waist, tense as if he can’t decide whether to retreat or hold you closer. you don’t know what came over you—but the more his ears redden, the more your hand (and your heart) insists on continuing.
and gods, the thought flashes across your mind before you can stop it:
he’s… kind of like a drenched puppy.
a really, really cute one.
phainon swallows hard, collecting his words. “…my lady, it’s getting late. you should rest. i’ll take my leave—”
he steps back to excuse himself, but you catch his hand before he can reach for the door.
“phainon.”
your fingers tighten around his wrist. “do you…like me?”
the tipsy haze in your veins makes every flutter in your chest impossible to ignore.
“of course i do, my lady,” he says quietly. “ there is no one i am more devoted to, my loyalty has always belonged to you.”
“then…” you swallow and lift your gaze to his, wavering. “do you like your ‘old friend’ more than me?”
phainon blinks, taken aback. “my—pardon? what do you mean?”
you push on, unable to stop the words tumbling out, soft and slurred with hurt you didn’t realize you were holding.
“mydei told me you seem to like them a lot,” you insist. “so much so that you even came all the way to kremnos just to train your best for their sake.”
you aren't sure what kind of reaction you expected. defensiveness, denial, irritation, anything—but certainly not the way his expression melts.
“...you really don’t remember, huh,” he whispers under his breath.
gently, he pries your hand from his wrist only to place it against his still-damp chest, right over the rapid thrum beneath his skin.
“you know,” he murmurs, eyes lowering. “every time you say my name,” beneath your palm, his heart hammers against his chest at a rapid pace. “this place becomes a mess.”
you can feel the tremor beneath his skin, sense the heat radiating from him as he lowers his mouth near your ear, breath warm against your neck.
“i like… no, i love you. always, and only you.”
a warmth blooms in your chest, hot and dizzying. you let out a small, hiccupping laugh, words catching in your throat. “i—” you falter, leaning into him just as his hands come up to steady you.
phainon’s eyes meet yours again, the subtle lift of his brows showing relief that you don’t pull away just yet. “but please… get some rest now, my lady.”
his tone is tender, as if he fears staying too long might make leaving impossible for him.
not that you’d mind if he didn’t.
(your head is a total mess the next morning. phainon was right, your alcohol tolerance really was abysmal.
amid the dull pounding behind your eyes, your thoughts flit between your childhood sweetheart… and then, to phainon.
a part of you wonders, if maybe the two aren’t so different after all. could it really be that the one you’d always held dear is the same person standing beside you now? something about him makes your chest tighten in a way that feels… eerily familiar.
you can only hope to make sense of your own muddled feelings soon.)
ACT VII: WHY HE FEIGNED IGNORANCE (UNCONVINCINGLY)
there's a saying that once fear finally cracks a man, the truth often spills in fragments; grudging and ugly.
the warehouse reeks of iron and damp rot, the kind of cold that settles into the deepest parts of the bone.
the assassin is long past any condition to resist.
he hangs slumped against the pillar he’s been chained to for weeks, wrists swollen where the iron has scraped in too deeply. dark bruises bloom along his jaw; while dried blood crusts the corner of his split mouth.
a blade slides beneath his chin and tilts his face upward.
the wielder does not speak. he stands enshroud in shadow, his pale hair catching what little light the warehouse offers.
the assassin’s eyes flutter open to meet the cold, unwavering gaze before him. “i already told you everything i know.”
the white-haired man remains motionless, sword still pressing up beneath the prisoner’s jaw. “so she was nothing more than a tool to you.”
a hoarse, mocking laugh crawls out of his throat. “you’ve kept me here long enough,” he mutters. “don’t tell me you’re a coward, captain.”
turns out provoking him was a bad idea.
“if her highness had died in that fire,” blue eyes almost delirious looking as they fix on the man before him. “you wouldn’t still be breathing right now.”
the truth is, phainon had arrived late that night because he’d first cornered the assassin, swiftly knocking him unconscious, and dragging him here before sprinting back to the burning hall to reach you in time. barely in time.
and to think he has come so close to losing you again, was an outcome he simply could not accept.
it disgusts him, tending even minimally to the prisoner chained before him. every scrap of bread, every cup of water—it all but fills him with revulsion. a man complicit in the attempt on your life, merits no mercy.
“but you’re right,” the knight says at last. “i won’t forgive anyone who lays a hand on her highness.”
the assassin stiffens. “what…”
“was i unclear?” phainon’s gaze does not waver, “your time’s up.”
“no—nonono… wait!” his chains rattle as he jerks to the side, narrowly avoiding the sharp blade now dangerously close to his neck. “i told you everything! everything you asked for. you said—you said you’d spare me if i spoke. you promised!”
he promised… he promised… he promised…
phainon lowers his gaze, pale eyes devoid of heat as they drift away from the now pathetic man trembling at his feet. for just a moment, they hold the same softness they do when they rest on you.
“i did,” he says.
relief washes over the assassin’s face. “s-so you are a man of your words! i knew you’d—”
“but understand this, she did nothing to deserve what harm you brought upon her. and while she begged for her life all those years ago, you refused to listen for your own gain.”
phainon swears to fulfil every promise he makes…
“so i see no reason to listen to you either.”
—to you only, of course.
a princess killed on foreign soil would more or less be an open act of war; most likely have triggered a major political crisis, straining relations between the two kingdoms and their respective allies.
the knight knew that much the moment the truth spilled from the assassin’s lips.
if the attempt had succeeded back in aedes elysiae, the damage would have been just as detrimental. a kingdom already seen as weak due to the lack of military strength—what faith would its people have left? panic would surely have spread, leaving its people gripped by fear and uncertainty.
the assassin stammers, panic shredding what little composure he had left. “but she’s still alive, isn’t she? that’s what matters, right? i mean, nothing happened in the end, so—”
his breath cuts off abruptly mid-word, collapsing into a sharp, broken gasp. he convulses, coughing violently, eyes locked on the hilt of the blade pressed against his abdomen, each rasp growing weaker than the last.
“her life is not yours to bargain with.”
ignoring the man now bleeding and sputtering before him, phainon picks up the cup lying on the floor, whatever liquid remains inside sloshes weakly against the rim.
without a word, he tilts it over the assassin’s head. letting the cold liquid slowly cascade down, dousing his hair and clothes.
a hoarse groan escapes the man as the acrid sting of the liquid hits his senses. the sharp, unmistakable scent of gasoline makes his stomach knot with dread.
he had assumed it was just water when phainon brought it earlier as he always did, but now, with the familiar tang burning his nose…
as if to confirm his dreaded suspicion, phainon lights a match.
the tiny flame dances, casting a flickering glow across his sharp blue eyes. and for a fleeting instant, it reminds him of that night, vividly; the smoke, the heat, and your terrified gaze. it grates against every fiber of his being, seeing you in pain.
trapped in the inferno, the assassin is left to face what he set in motion himself.
through the haze, he sees it—that unsettling smile of a man who would burn the world down without hesitation, if it meant to keep you safe.
the fire spreads quickly, the knight takes his leave not long before the flames close in and the wooden beams collapse. surely by dawn, nothing of this place will remain but ash.
out of the corner of your eye, you catch a tall figure moving stealthily past you.
nowadays, you can recognise your white-haired knight anywhere, even from a mile away. but still, your heart gives a small, irrational leap.
“phainon?” you call out.
he freezes for a moment as if he was caught in the act, glancing over his shoulder before his eyes finally find yours. he jogs toward you as if nothing’s amiss, but you can tell that something’s off.
as soon as he comes fully into view, though his uniform is perfectly neat, you notice the strong smell of iron that clings to him anyway.
“phainon… are you okay?” you can’t stop yourself, concern spilling out as you step closer to inspect him. “what happened? did you get into trouble?”
he tilts his head, then flashes his signature grin. “i’m fine!” he says, “my lady, you know i’m really strong, you don’t need to worry about me.”
given his habit of deflecting whenever the topic turns to himself, you’re fairly certain he’s just trying to avoid whatever it is. nevertheless, you can’t shake your concern—what if he’s hiding an injury again?
“uh my lady…?” he can tell you’re not planning to let it go anytime soon; your gaze is firm, a slight pout forming as your worry fuels your refusal to back down so easily.
before you can press him further, he steps closer and wraps you in a sudden hug. “see? i’m not hurt.” he murmurs, his tone unusually gentle, as if sensing the depth of your concern.
you stiffen at first, hands hovering uncertainly at his sides. “phainon—” you protest, trying (and failing) to sound stern. you give his chest a light push, but he doesn’t budge. instead, he loosens the embrace just enough to look at you, eyes soft, almost wounded, like you’d just kicked a puppy.
“…did i do something wrong?” he asks quietly.
your shoulders slump in defeat.
perhaps realizing it was futile to even attempt to stay mad at this big, stubborn puppy, you sigh and give in, ruffling the edge of his hair and patting him on the back.
he leans just slightly into your touch, a faint smirk tugging at his lips, clearly satisfied with having “won” this little battle.
though the way his arms remain around you suggests he never planned to let go so easily in the first place.
today is the day the knights are to be stationed outside the capital for the upcoming war against the black tide. the courtyard is alive with farewells from families and friends, but no matter how far you search, you can’t seem to find phainon among the crowd.
just then, you catch sight of someone moving off to the quieter edge of the grounds. there he is—alone, kneeling by his greatsword and polishing the blade with meticulous care.
“phainon!” you call, your voice cracking slightly despite your effort to stay composed.
he stops, turning in surprise. for a brief instant, there’s that faint flash of shock in his eyes—but it vanishes as quickly as it came. slowly, he sheaths his sword and bows politely in greeting.
in the brief space between you, you raise your hand, trembling slightly, and reach up to his face.
“you idiot, were you going to leave without telling me?”
he freezes for a heartbeat, a faint chuckle escaping him before his fingers curl gently around your wrist. please forgive him, he couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye to you once more.
he lifts your palm to his lips, pressing them softly against your skin—tender and reverent. just like it was when he kissed your hand all those years ago.
“i’ll be back before you know it.”
you slip the necklace from around your neck, the chain sliding free with a soft clink before you place it gently into his open palm.
“don’t lose it,” you say with a teasing lilt. “you’ll have to return it to me once you come back safely, alright?”
phainon’s fingers close around the familiar pendant, and a small, almost helpless smile tugs at his lips. “as you wish, my lady.”
“then i suppose i’ll just have to wait for you this time, phainon.”
what a ridiculous demand from such a cruel princess—not because it was impossible, but because it left him no choice at all.
the thought draws that same faint, almost incredulous smile to his lips.
there was never a world in which he would not do his utmost to return to you.
ACT VIII: WHY HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS
it’s been two years since you last saw him. having returned to your homeland to visit your parents a few months ago, you find yourself wandering the familiar grounds of aedes elysiae.
the fields are fragrant with late blooms, and the warm sun filters through the leaves, dappling the ground with light.
ever since that night, when the truth finally dawned on you, the memory has clung stubbornly to your thoughts: his infuriatingly handsome smile, the way he presses your palm to his lips, the beating of his heart, his whispers in your ear—it all replays in your mind whenever you even remotely think about him.
it has to be him…
overwhelmed by nostalgia, you let your feet carry you almost without thought. soon, a familiar sight comes into view: the shimmer of lake water and the golden wheatfield you’ve returned to countless times as a child.
you stand at the edge of the bank, closing your eyes and letting the wind brush across your face, a bittersweet feeling arises deep in your chest.
but a sudden rustle comes from the stalks behind you, pulling you from your reverie. you peel your eyes open just as a shadowed reflection ripples across the surface of the lake.
your heart leaps. instinctively, you spin around…
“...phainon?” a familiar face greets your vision.
“so you do remember me.”
your knees almost go weak, your chest tightening at the sound of his voice as you take in the familiar tilt of his head, and the way the sunlight catches his hair just like you remembered.
and a rush of emotions—relief, joy, longing—crash over you all at once.
“you… you’re really here.” you step towards him, until the space between you is pretty much non-existent.
“i promised i’d return,” phainon murmurs, leaning closer. almost hesitantly, his earnest gaze flickers to your lips before returning to your eyes.
he waits patiently for your nod, and when you finally do, he closes the last of the distance between you.
you’ve missed him terribly.
you melt into him, arms instinctively wrapping around his neck as his hands settle gently on your waist, drawing you closer.
but beyond all else, you love him more than anything.
this closeness—the undeniable press of your body against his—is all he has ever longed for. it makes him feel light-headed even.
holding you close, he savors the soft exhale that mingles with his own.
his world is finally back where it belongs.
maybe things would’ve been easier in another life, maybe the gods would take pity and give you both a kinder story.
but to phainon, it makes no difference. not this life, not the next, not the thousand before or after. because he has loved you in every one of them. in every form, his heart always finds its way back to you.
he remembers the warmth of your hand even when he’s born without one. he dreams of your voice in lifetimes where he never learns your name.
even if you so cruelly forget him again, if he must live through it all, he would. again and again.
because this is the most terrible truth of it all: it is the most human thing he’s ever known, to helplessly love you, despite it all.
he loved you, he loves you still, and he will keep loving you—for as long as the sun continues to rise, his heart will belong to you.
as surely as yours is his.
before the assembled court, the king rises.
“for your service to the realm of aedes elysiae and castrum kremnos,” the king declares, voice carrying through the grand hall, “you are hereby granted a title befitting your deeds. from this day forth, you shall stand among the highest of my lords.”
phainon inclines his head in a respectful bow. “thank you, your majesty.”
“your actions have greatly strengthened the enduring bond between our kingdom, and kremnos.”
“so brave hero,” the king continues, “you may name your reward. gold, estates, influence—whatever you desire shall be yours.”
“i’m honored, your majesty.” he adds, “but i ask for none of those things.”
the king inclines his head, curiosity evident in his expression. “then what is it you wish for?”
phainon lowers himself to one knee. “may i have the hand of the princess of aedes elysiae?”
EPILOGUE: WHY WON’T THE CHARMING PRINCESS MEET MY EYES?
first gifted by your beloved knight in your childhood, to countless days through battles, then at last all the way back from the frontlines—the necklace’s once-shimmering metal had lost its luster, spots of rust crept along the chain and the pendant bore a few small chips.
you had told him a hundred times over it didn’t matter, insisting that it was fine just the way it was. you really didn’t mind, it was the thought that counted.
but phainon, being the ardent lover that he is, believed otherwise.
“here you go, young man,” the old lady says, holding out the carefully mended necklace. its chain gleamed faintly now, polished and whole again.
“this is amazing! thank you so much, ma’am.” grinning, phainon takes the necklace from the goldsmith’s hands.
“it’s my pleasure, dear. come by anytime, okay?” the old lady replies, the wrinkles on her face deepen with her smile as she gently holds both of his hands in hers.
“of course ma’am!” phainon nods politely.
you giggle. well there he goes again, stealing the hearts of every elderly he comes across.
slowly, he lifts the necklace from his hand and clasps it gently around your neck. the cool metal brushes against your skin, and for the first time in so long, it finally rests where it belongs.
“there we go,” he says softly, his fingers lingering a moment longer than necessary, brushing a stray strand of hair from your cheek. "all yours again."
perhaps not used to such public displays, you feel your cheeks heat up. you find yourself unable to meet his eyes, staring instead at the necklace, your fingers fidgeting nervously with the chain.
phainon notices immediately and can’t help but take the opportunity to tease you more.
his hand deliberately brushes your shoulder, then trails down to adjust the necklace, fingers grazing your collarbone ever so slightly.
that cheeky bastard… you can almost see the curve of his smirk from the corner of your eyes.
the sun rises behind you, painting the world in a mesmerising dawn. but in phainon’s eyes, you are the most ethereal sight of it all—because you are his sun.
with a mischievous grin, he tilts your chin upward, coaxing your gaze to meet his.
please allow him to be selfish just this once. he wants to fill your memories with him, to leave traces of himself in every corner of your life, ensuring you’ll never forget him again.
a man so terribly in love with you, phainon only has one wish:
that is you’ll remember this moment—not just today, but tomorrow, and for all the days that follow.
so that he may always keep you in his sight, in his thoughts, in the quiet corners of his heart where no one else can reach.
won’t you promise him that, his lady?
extended author’s notes: here
thank you for reading !! reblogs are appreciated <3
the hottest thing a guy can be is barely conscious on the floor while someone lifts his head up by the hair so that you can see his glazed out eyes and the blood running down his face
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