joel miller puts on some weight after a while in jackson.
he's still active, and a lot of the extra weight is built muscle, but it's also in part to the food you keep shoving onto his plate in the evenings. and the lack of stress that comes from sleeping next to you in a bed behind a locked door.
and your insistence on riding him.
he's not complaining—god, of course not. he loves watching your pretty self take the reins: letting him lay back and dig his fingers into your waist as you bounce yourself up and down on his cock like he's the toy in this exchange.
but half of his exercise is fucking you, laying his weight on top of you as he ruts into you over and over. he likes stretching you out and filling you up and setting the pace, be it brutal or devastatingly slow. he likes taking charge and holding control over you in that way that makes you both feel so safe and needed.
but you love how soft he's gotten. the belly he's grown, how it feels to splay your hands over the expanse of his (now even softer) chest. you love the padding of his thighs beneath you when you lean your weight back onto them: and god do you love watching him look up at you, all fucked out and taken care of.
it's taking care of him that you like, you realise. letting him breathe, and eat until he's full and a little more then. you tell yourself it's just to take care of him when you pile his plate up, not so that you can feel even more of his weight against you when he's balls-deep.
you would never have such lewd intentions. not at all.
the more blood he loses the more his thoughts begin to slip away into nothing and lose all coherency. at first it's all about erin, about how upset he just knew she'd be at him. then it's about the others, how far away they're getting, how they didn't even look in his direction for more than a minute. they've left him and he's here alone, now, at least he feels alone. he's scared but he can feel warmth spreading under him and for a moment he's reminded of his mother and her warmth. he can't move his body. just his eyes. there is nothing ahead of him but above he can see the stars. fireworks, too. they both look so beautiful. the part of him that knows he's dying and knows he should be scared is telling him to scream but is drowned out by delirium. he's warm and he's under the stars and suddenly he's once again that little boy who fell asleep in his mother's arms while watching a meteor shower. they aren't meteors this time. they're fireworks. but they will do.
//
headcanoning ian mckinley's special interest to be space when he dies under an open night sky is one of the most sick and twisted things i've ever done. he wanted to go into astrophysics. he wanted to work for NASA.
Eddie and Buck saying "no" in unison when Chimney asked if two parents can both be the 'good cop' will always live rent free in my head. Like. What was the purpose of that other than establish that yes, they ARE in fact raising Christopher TOGETHER and have first hand experience that no, they can't both be good cops.
we say that buck is a yapper or whatever and can never shut the fuck up but eddie never WANTS him to shut up ok. like all eddie does is shoot him that fond smile and listen.
then when buck’s heart isn’t beating anymore in the pouring rain he’s the one shouting “talk to me!” before bobby pulls him off and tells him to drive.
how much was he longing for buck’s voice during the coma?
Buck had abandonment issues, everyone knew that. His parents were practically absent in his life, Maddie had been across the country with her abusive husband, Abby left him with no word, then Tommy. Now Eddie was leaving. He planned on coming back, only after he convinced Christopher though, and who knew how long that would take. Now he had to pack with Eddie, and then drive him to the airport.
“Are you sure? Chris might not be ready to come back” Buck spoke as he paced Eddie’s room, he wasn’t doing much to help pack honestly. “I told you Buck, I can’t keep my kid in Texas, 800 miles from me” Eddie folded a shirt, putting it in the duffle bag on his bed, along with the 3 other bags he already had packed.
Buck stopped in his tracks, he saw Eddie had only a few more clothes to fold and put in the bag, then it was time to leave. He needed to keep Eddie home and figure out how to get Chris back. He loved Chris, he practically helped raise him, but he couldn’t lose both Diaz’s. He wasn’t ready to lose them. He just started getting over losing Tommy, Maddie was about to start prepping for the new baby, Bobby and Athena were working on the new house, Hen had to take care of her kids. Buck was going to be alone again. Just like when Abby left him.
While Buck was thinking Eddie finished folding the last few shirts he had, the zipper of the duffel shoving Buck back into reality. “You ready to go Buck?” The blonde just nodded with a forced smile as he grabbed two bags and his keys, heading outside to put the bags in the Jeep.
After putting all the bags away and starting the car Buck sat in the front, his leg anxiously tapping against the floor as he waited for Eddie. His hands gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles went white, he felt like being sick. He couldn’t walk Eddie into the airport like he did with Abby. Eddie was becoming the new Abby, only they weren’t together so him fearing the absence felt worse than if they were. Like he had to get over Eddie being gone faster, because they weren’t together. He felt trapped.
“Earth to Buck” Eddie waved his hand in front of Bucks face, leaning over the center console. Buck was too zoned out to notice Eddie had gotten into the car. The time felt like it was closing in on Buck, like the more time he spent near Eddie the longer he would be gone. He had 30 minutes to convince him to stay in LA, stay with him.
“You ready to go?” Eddie raised a brow as he pulled the seat belt over his chest, buckling it into the retractor. Buck compressed his lips, nodding as he buckled his seatbelt. “Ready as I’ll ever be” Once he pulled his right hand off the wheel he could see the sweat on the wheel. After shifting the gear into drive he backed out, starting to head down West 5th Street.
Buck wasn’t sure what he could even say to Eddie, he wanted to drive as far away as possible, make sure the brunette couldn’t leave, but he knew better. He knew Eddie would easily fight him to make it to the airport. “Eds are you sure? What if Chris takes a year before he wants to come back?”
Eddie turned his head, a sigh before he spoke “Buck, I’m going to El Paso. I’m coming back when Chris is ready” The blonde pouted, his broody pout as so Gerrard would’ve said. “But you’re leaving all of us here, you’re leaving me here Eddie” Buck knew he was being selfish, Chris was his son, and Buck was just his friend. That didn’t mean he would stop feeling that way though.
“I’m coming back Buck” There was no blunt tone, it was full hearted, honest. Those three words were like honey to Bucks ears, the reassurance he desperately needed. He knew it wouldn’t mean as much later on when Eddie was 800 miles away but it felt good in the moment.
“You better or I’ll fly my ass over there and drag you two back myself” Buck forced a laugh as he turned onto the Harbour Freeway. “I have no doubt about that” Eddie leaned his head back, closing his eyes. He knew he would get sleep on the plane, but still being up before the sun was up was hell.
Most of the car ride was silent, Buck still trying to figure out how to get Eddie to stay. When he turned onto Sepulveda Boulevard, he gave up on keeping Eddie there. He was a mile and one turn away from losing his best friend, the person he always relied on. It felt worse than losing Abby, Buck couldn’t understand how though. They weren’t dating, and from what he knew Eddie was straight.
Oh.
Oh.
Evan Buckley was in love with Edmundo Diaz.
How did it take him so long to realize? How did he not realize during basketball? What about when he was shot and put in the will? When Eddie almost died in the mud? Or even after the fight in the grocery store? The tsunami? After the fire truck crushed his leg? How did it take him six years? Now he was dropping him off to leave for months. His stomach churned as he made the last turn.
“Do you want me to walk you inside or just drop you off here” Buck spoke as he parked “You do have a few bags, I help could carry them” Eddie unbuckled and got out the Jeep, popping the trunk. “That’d be great” Buck turned off the car, shoving the keys in his pocket and heading to the trunk to help Eddie carry his bags.
Once they made it to the entrance Eddie grabbed a baggage cart, having Buck help him stack the bags. Eddie stood at the door, ready to walk in. Buck had seen this 7 years ago, and she never came back. When Eddie’s back was him he called out, despite being no more than a few feet away “Eddie wait”
The brunette turned his head back around “Buck I’ve gotta go, I still need to check in” Buck swallowed the lump in his throat, then the word vomit came.
“Eddie I know you’re going to get Chris, and that’s great, I miss the kid, but you’re leaving me. I don’t know how I didn’t notice sooner but I love you. You don’t have to say it back, and I’m not trying to keep you here with it but I just need to tell you. I need you to bring Chris back but I don’t want to wait forever. I’ve already waited six years Eds. I’m rambling again but you get the point. Im sorry for dropping th-“
Eddie’s fingers ran through Bucks curls, kissing him gently. He brought the blondes head a bit lower, their noses bumping. Not that either of them cared, too lost in the moment. Once Eddie pulled away he kept his fingers curled in Bucks hair “The universe isn’t the best to you, but it won’t be that cruel. I’m bringing Christopher back with me.”
Buck wiped the tears that had unknowingly fell “You better. I already told you I’d drag you both back myself” Eddie laughed softly and nodded. He wiped Bucks face before pressing their foreheads together “I love you too Evan. I’m bringing our kid back” This was about to hurt. “But to bring him back I need to leave first.” His hands left Bucks hair hesitantly before he turned his back and walked into the airport.
“I love you more Edmundo” Buck quietly spoke as he watched Eddie disappear into the crowd of people.
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