dear diary

fish // 19 // he/him // 

[fishlog]

i think i need to have a different tag for the things i’m talking about because if i translate “douance” and “surdoué” to english, it both gives me “gifted” so maybe i should tag stuff as “high potential”? 

because i’m not talking about the gifted kid programm of american public education, but the diagnostic of hyper-intelligent kids (”intellectual giftedness”) with way above average iq/intelligence and we were also called “high potential” (looool) and “gifted” 

but also a lot of the experiences aligns, just not with the academic systems (where i live, there’s not “gifted” program in public schools, only special ed and “normal”) so i might still tag it as such because it might be relatable. idk

also to note, when you look up (in french) the the symptoms for it, it’s bassically just highly functionnal autism with high intelligence. 

[batmanego]

sorry to sound like a 56 year old but online internet culture has completely eroded the concept of personal boundaries and it's evil evil evil

[batmanego]

i recently got called a faggot to my face unprompted by someone who was, i'm sure, attempting to be fun and cute and thought that they could do that because we were "friends" and because i had referred to myself as a fag in passing at one point. but at no point did i ever say it was okay for them to call me that, and even if i had, i'm sorry to sound lame but i don't think you should unprompted call your friends slurs without at least warning for it. lmao.

if this had happened in real life, i would have fucking slapped them, and if it had happened in a public space, so many people would have been like 'hey what the fuck'.

online culture has completely and i mean completely destroyed peoples ideas of boundaries and crossing them. people are soooo on board with doing the most fucking insane and invasive shit because the internet gives a false sense of security and closeness. people are so convinced that the things they say and do on The Web aren't real or impactful and will never have consequences. it's literally ruining people's abilities to both set/enforce boundaries and to respect them. i hate it i hate it so much i want to go live in the woods forever

[batmanego]

this post, like all my posts, is not for terfs or radfems. fuck off.

[automnelog]

Remembering when I told my ex friend how she made me feel abandoned and worthless because she was ignoring me and I started crying. And she ended up leaving, crying, because seeing me cry was ~too much~ for her.

And then it turned out the reason she was ignoring me was because she wasn't interested in being my friend anymore. Like she lost interest. wtf.

[the-raising-of-lazarus]

I genuinely feel angry when I see my school bullies living their lives normally, while I’m here forever traumatized by how they treated me. I know it’s been years and I can’t do anything about it, but it’s so unfair, too. It’s so unfair that I was the one punished for being mistreated.

[galactic-spec-of-dust]

Neurotypicals: just have some empathy. When you do these weird disgusting awkward autistic behaviors, it inconveniences me and causes me to bully you.

Neurodivergents: ??? *in confusion traumatized by the behavior*

Neurotypicals: you have no empathy.

[automnelog]

i feel very bad for every lotr fans, you guys don’t deserve that

exept my ex friend that ruined my life; you deserve it and it’s all your fault 

[owlmylove]

maybe if you take a hot shower. cook something. eat a little soup. feel a little sunshine. make something with your hands—it doesn’t have to be big. maybe if you stretch your body and draw a silly little picture and get some rest, the world will feel like something your hands can still hold

[tordenvejr]

stand by your boundary not only the first time you set it, stand by your boundary when it is being questioned, stand by it when it is being crossed. stand by it no matter how many times you need to assert it.

[onlinepunk]

Some of you need to learn the difference between skinny girls being made to feel insecure about their body from certain people and fat girls being made to feel like their entire life is worthless because of their body size from literally the entire world

[onlinepunk]

People still don’t get the point of this post…….wild

[a-polite-melody]

Remember, that in this context, being made to feel like their entire life is worthless because of their weight includes systemic discrimination. The majority of stores not carrying clothing that fits any larger than “acceptable” straight sizes. Seats in classrooms, waiting rooms, theatres only being big enough to fit straight sized bodies. Being denied medical care because problems are blamed on weight first when weight is often the furthest thing from the actual issue.

Individuals can be made to feel bad, even worthless, over any trait that anyone can single out. That isn’t the same thing as the world’s systems being designed not to accommodate and further add shame to fat people and our fat bodies.

[hell-heron]

The gifted kid “DISCOURSE” is one of the wildest of the relatively harmless effects of Tumblr being so impossible to use for non Americans bc like… I and many other people might have reblogged a couple vent/support post coming from the mindset that “gifted kid” just means “good to exceptional grades” so all it meant was you didn’t have to put much effort and people bragged about it and had unhealthily high expectations for you, and MAYBE some kids are encouraged to focus there and disregard fun/social development/hobbies but for me that came from an independent source.

THEN accusations of “you’re not gifted you’re just white and rich” pop out and ok on one hand the social factors definitely influences who gets good grades but that’s really not relevant here. THEN It turns out these people have a point actually bc there are gifted kids PROGRAMMES and SEPARATE CLASSES and his started right as school where started to get desegregated.

And I won’t comment on the effects of having this kind of programmes on the institutional level NOW independently of the original purpose bc it’s out of my experience and of my field of study. But it does give me this hilarious-guilty feeling to think I was like “a yeah a nightmare isn’t it” to so many posts detailing a - specific, structural! - social issue when I was thinking “ah it sucks i struggle to focus if I don’t immediately excel and I still feel like my parents are bummed I didn’t go to med school”.

So what I was gonna say is: it’s okay if the personal isn’t political for you sometimes, it’s okay if your “political” doesn’t align with most people’s on a cultural standpoint, but maybe it’s better for everyone’s sanity to make your own posts about this bc heaven knows what the fuck op means when he uses those apparently commonplace words and it’s probably not what you’re thinking and it’s nice to not invalidate people without wanting to and also not to get called racist.

[fishlog]

the fun thing about being an actually gifted tm person is that i realised that most of the kids in the gifted programms or classes or whatever, have a normal intelligence? they are just good at school and their parents could put them in those programms/extra classes. most people with high intelligence are more often then not autistic or neurodivergent and so then school system is so badly adapted that it’s hard for us. 

i was friend with someone who would have been in the gifted programm (she had 110% in math one year because she was so good she helped the teacher and did every extra stuff) and she was very much neurotypical with an average intelligence. while i struggled for most of my scholarity because i was autistic with adhd before being smart (i was litteraly being diagnosed as way above average before having adhd and autism, so every adult knew) 

what i mean is that your gifted kid programm is very much arbitrary (thinking that good at school = above average intelligence, and bad at school = stupid) and founded on classism, ableism and rascism and if you don’t see that, you will not understand the nuance of the discourse

[fishlog]

i felt gaslighted my whole childhood and teenagehood because i was always told that i was smart and that it was easy for me, etc.. but always felt like i was dumb and that everything was hard and each time i tried to talk about it i was dismissed and was told that i just need to work harder and that i just had bad self esteem and that i could so much things if i only just my mind into it and that it was my fault for not doing the effort. it felt like they were living in a different reality than mine

[fishlog]

many autistics will relate to both of the gifted kid syndrome and the failure kid syndrome 

[fishlog]

the clownery that is the fight between the adult ya readers and the elitist classics-and-litterary-only readers.... all of you are annoying assholes who think they are better than everyone else and that their reading preferences are the best. none of you are wrong and none of you are right. 

this is what happens when you base your fucking personnality on being a ~reader~ . both of these groups are being childish and everyone else are fucking tired of their shitty opinions flooding book discussion

[darkcomedies-deactivated2022042]

when people complain about a story not being a perfect blank sheet to project their life experiences onto… when people bemoan a musician not releasing a new song in [GASP] 2 years… when the reaction to visual art is figuring how to reproduce it a hundred times to sell again and again and again… those are all indications of someone just not understanding every piece of art is made by a human being. but it’s a double edged sword!!! because today acknowledging that art is made by a human you damn the artist again!! personalizing the artist doesn’t become a moment of compassion!! not anymore!! it isn’t used to better understand the art they create!! it’a just another opportunity to commodify!!! because now, not only is their art reduced to a product, but so is their personhood!!!!!!! i want to lie down in a field of wheat and slowly stop breathing

[automnelog]

thinking about the cyclicality of stories and repeating themes, like an immortal always falling in love with the reincarnation of the same person, someone repeating the same action out of love despite having their memories earased each time, someone living the same life as their parent and ancestors, someone making the same mistake as their predecessors but never learning from their mistakes, the same fairy tale being told over and over again but with different characters…

but also the act of breaking the cycle; someone finally letting themselve being helped, people learning from past mistakes, someone decidind to stray from the path of their ancestors by finally loving the person they love, breaking the cycle of pain and doom, changing the path with love and compassion…

[rollingwiththedead]

this is the most niche pull but I was watching the grand budapest hotel the other day and I realized that jude law’s character is there around the same time althea proserpine from the hazel wood was in europe and I can’t stop thinking about althea being one of the weird guests there