Iâve seen a lot of people struggle with the idea of Compulsory Heterosexuality, especially in wondering wether they might be a lesbian, and what the signs of compulsory heterosexuality are. I decided to make this post, to help out anyone who might need it.
Some of these signs might apply more to bi-identifying women, and some of them might apply more to straight-identifying women. I asked both lesbians who used to think they were straight about their experience with comp het and lesbians who used to think they were bi about their experience with comp het, and of course added my own experiences. Warnings:Â mentions of sex and sexual fantasies, but nothing graphic.
Special thanks to michael @snugly and all other bloggers that answered my questions and let me use their content for this post - your advice, patience and generosity means a lot to me.Â
You might be a lesbian if:
You wish you were a lesbian so you could escape the discomfort of dating men.
Men are okay in theory but terrible in practice.
You feel like you could live with a woman in a romantic way, even if you canât imagine doing anything sexual with a woman.
You feel like you could enjoy sexual interaction with a woman, even if you canât imagine having romantic feelings for a woman.
You lose interest in a man as soon as they seem interested in you - very common.
You find yourself trying to be romantically or sexually appealing to men even if youâre not interested in them.
As a child you always thought youâd either never get married or platonically marry a friend.
You canât imagine having a happy and fulfilling future with a man.
You feel like youâre performing your attraction to men, for yourself and/or other people.
You expect relationships with men to be unfulfilling by default.
You like the idea of men being attracted to you, but you dislike the idea of being attracted to men.
You dislike being attracted to men in general.
You only notice the attractiveness of a man when someone else points it out.
You think your feelings for women donât count, or that all women have feelings âlike thatâ but that theyâre not valid because you think itâs a phase everyone goes through.
You donât want to date men, but you feel like you have to.
You think that because you could survive dating, marrying, and/or having sex with a man, youâre attracted to men (hint: you donât have to settle for just surviving).
You think itâs objective and uncontested that almost all women are way more attractive than most men.Â
The men in your fantasies are faceless or symbolise an emotion.Â
You donât like fantasising about men. After fantasising about men you feel uncomfortable or wrong.
When fantasising about men, youâre not really into the man in your fantasy, or the fantasy itself. You imagine another woman in place of yourself or imagine that youâre the man in the fantasy.
Lesbian or gay feels like the label for you but you still doubt yourself for whatever reason.Â
Youâre only attracted to fictional men, celebrities, or man that are completely unattainable (i.e. your teacher, gay men, men in established relationships). Basically, you only like men if itâs impossible for them to like you back - very common.
You prefer/are exclusively attracted to âfeminineâ men, (i.e. men that wear traditionally feminine clothing, have traditionally feminine behaviors or appearances, and like traditionally feminine things) basically you only like men if theyâre âwomanlyâ enough.Â
Youâre repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships youâve seen and/or regularly feeling like âmaybe it works for them but I never want my relationship to be like thatâ.
You think you might commitment-phobic because no relationship, no matter how great the guy, feels quite right and you drag your feet when the time comes to escalate it.
When you do escalate a relationship with a man, you do it mostly because you feel like he wants to, or because itâs the appropriate thing to doy.
You think your interest in seeing attractive women stems from the sexualisation and objectification of women in media.
You think all straight women feel attraction to women to at least some extent (hint: 100% straight women do exist).
You think you have to learn how to love men.Â
You find yourself wishing you were a lesbian because itâd be so much easier to just be with women for the rest of your life.Â
You think men-attracted women over-exaggerate their attraction to men and you canât comprehend finding a man as attractive as they do.Â
You canât imagine being so invested in a man/relationship with a man or valuing a man/relationship with a man as much as men-attracted women.
You dread the idea of a future with a man.
Men expressing their attraction to men is more relatable than women expressing their attraction for men (thereâs something specific about same-gender attraction that any form of it is just more relatable than different gender attraction).
You think you just have to give men a chance.Â
You feel very uncomfortable reading or watching m/f erotica, or even just general m/f romantic interactions.
Other people tell you youâre acting like an over-invested lesbian ally or you feel like you are acting like an over-invested lesbian ally.Â
You think your relationships with men donât work out because youâre bad at relationships in general.
You think you just have high standards and thatâs why you donât want to date any men.
You think youâre just a late bloomer and will be attracted to men eventually.
You just. Pick a dude at random to be attracted to.Â
The only men youâre attracted to are those who hurt you, harass you, or abuse you.Â
You think itâs impossible for lesbians to have a happy future with women but you think you could be the exception to the rule (this ties in with internalised homophobia).Â
Do you love them because theyâre your boyfriend or are they your boyfriend because you love them? If itâs the first, you might not actually be attracted to them.
You go through past memories trying to prove your attraction to men (âBut I had a boyfriend when I was 13!â).
You put yourself through having romantic or sexual relationships with men to prove to yourself and other people that youâre attracted to men.Â
You know that lesbians exist but you think you canât possibly be one of them because if you were, youâd know already -Â very common.Â
You think youâre attracted to men but just donât want to date them.
You donât like kissing/touching/having sex with your husband/boyfriend or youâre not attracted to your husband/boyfriend but it must be because heâs not the one for you (or another excuse).Â
Most of your experiences with men are/were men being attracted to you, and you sort of going along with it.Â
You only develop attraction to a guy after a female friend expresses attraction to them.Â
You find yourself wishing you could just have one hot fling with a woman just to try it out, or fantasise about it.Â
You think attraction is just ânot being disgusted by a manâ.
You enjoy consuming f/f erotica a lot more than any other type, and find fantasising about women a lot more satisfying than any other fantasy.Â
You crave âplatonicâ physical contact with your female friends but wish that men would just leave you alone.
Youâre only attracted to men whose attention would somehow be profitable (i.e. men in positions of power such as your boss).
Deciding who to be attracted to, or asking people who you should crush on.
You try to pursue your feelings for other women through going on âplatonic datesâ with women and âpractising on womenâ.Â
You think youâre too young/busy to be attracted to men or have a fulfilling relationship with a man.Â
âI would totally date [x woman] if they were a guy!! ! !!â
You have abstract crushes that you donât actually want to progress into romantic and/or sexual relationships - very common.
You date men because itâs what youâre supposed to do, and stay with them because you canât find a good reason to break up.
You really want to be a lesbian and only date women but feel like you canât because of some lingering, vague idea of attraction to men, but the idea of dating a man is distressing, gross, upsetting, boring, unsatisfying or makes you feel trapped.
Being very specific with the men youâre âinterestedâ in but having absolutely no type when it comes to girls because theyâre all so beautiful.
Your favourite character in every show is that one gay-coded or butch-looking woman (examples: Shego from Kim Possible, Spinelli from Recess, Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica).
You wish your boyfriend/husband was more like a female friend.
You can flip on your attraction to men like a switch - very common.
These are the most common signs of comp het, but there are other ways comp het manifests than just these ways! You donât have to relate to all of these to identify as a lesbian.
You might be reading this and start to question yourself. This is okay. I recommend emerging yourself in sapphic content to normalise the idea of f/f attraction. Try reading f/f (fan)fiction or novels, watching films and/or tv shows with f/f couples, and following some lesbian/sapphic themed accounts here on tumblr and other platforms (beware of terfs! check a persons account befor you follow them). Other than that, Iâd like to assure you that even though you currently have a boyfriend, a husband, or had one in the past, that this does not make you any less of a lesbian. If youâve had sex with men, youâre not any less of a lesbian. You can still be a lesbian if youâre a trans woman or a nonbinary woman-aligned person, or if you feel connected to womanhood through your love of other women. Lesbian is not a dirty word and you are beautiful.Â
If you have any further inquiries or questions, donât hesitate to shoot me an ask! Iâll be happy to answer all of them.
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