Thoughts,1992

Poetic attempts at life

[weltenwellen]

Ocean Vuong, On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous

[serenityquest]

[flightlessseraph]

A little bit of each please, if it's not too much. ☺

[wintercorrybriea2]

ayumu matsuoka

[flightlessseraph]

And when they said art is supposed to evoke a certain feeling, they must have meant this.

[flightlessseraph]

(Image: Jacob Wrestling the Angel of God by Jack Baumgartner, 2009)

Genesis 32:22-32 (NIV)

Jacob Wrestles With God

22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.

28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”

But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip.

--------

I first encountered this verse in the movie Here Comes the Boom. To earn the fighting coache's approval to train him, MC fought with two boxing trainees. MC is not professionally trained so he was already at a disadvantage. But he never tapped out. When it was obvious he wasn't giving up, coach let another enter the ring. So MC was fighting three trained boxers. He was more of a punching bag at that point. But he never gave up. He. Did. Not. Tap. Out. Coach stopped the fight and agreed to train him. He was also invited to dinner and before they ate, coach told the story of Jacob. MC couldn't even lift his arms to hold his utensils because he was so exhausted.

I almost missed it when coach said Genesis 32: 22-32. Luckily I did not. Or maybe I was meant to rewatch that film at that point and learn about Jacob's story.

He did not give up. Even when his hips were dislocated in the middle of the fight. He was anxious because he was preparing to fight his brother before the angel appeared. And now he has to fight divinity too. It was the worst time. And he was disadvantaged both physically and mentally. He just came from a long journey before the match after all. And he did not even have his family to support him. He was all alone.

Yet he did not give up.

Even when he was being told to let go, he insisted. He wanted to have that blessing.

He won, not because he overpowered his opponent. He won because he never gave up.

And because of that, he was renewed. He was given a new name.

He left with a limp. But it was not a badge of his trouble, but a reminder of his tenacity. A reminder of his victory.

When I failed the bar, it felt like I lost. Five years of my life, tens and thousands of pesos my family cannot really spare but scraped together with toil and determination, hours and hours of sleep, days I could've spent with family, missed career opportunities, i can go on and on. All of those for nothing.

Then I learned about Jacob. I no longer felt like I've lost. I felt like I've broken a hip socket. But I'm still in the middle of the fight so I can't really stop you know. I feel like even both my legs and arms will be broken, I still won't stop. I can't give up. I won't give up.

I'll get that blessing. I will be renewed. I'll have a new name. I'll conquer the bar.

09142020

[flightlessseraph]

And I did.

By His grace, I did.

08052024

[perfectquote]

“So many people enter and leave your life! Hundreds of thousands of people! You have to keep the door open so they can come in! But it also means you have to let them go!”

— Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close | Jonathan Safran Foer

[flightlessseraph]

This must be the most practical yet heartbreaking truth in this ephemeral existence of ours.

[problematicprocrastinator]

Hey, stop scrolling for a minute. How are you doing? You okay? Come and sit down with me in the kitchen for a bit. It’s a warm day, the radio is playing all the oldies, the door is open and we can hear the birds. I’ll stick the kettle on. Do you take milk? Sugar? I’m baking some bread today, do you want to help? Or you can just sit and keep me company if you like. You can tell me everything that’s been going on. Or you could info dump about your favourite thing or tv show, I’d love to hear about the things you like. Or you can just sit at the table if you want, you could paint or draw or play animal crossing whilst I go about the kitchen and we can pass the time of day in contended quietness. Because you’re safe here. You can stay as long as you like and you can always come back. Everything will be okay, darling, you’ll see.

[flightlessseraph]

Just what I needed. 🥲

@problematicprocrastinator , I'll try to help baking the bread. I don't know much abt baking so I might do more damage than good but I'll try... I can make a mean coffee though, if you wanna. 😊

[flightlessseraph]

I used to get very upset when my younger brother and I will fight. At 31, he will easily get upset when he doesn't get his way or when his ideas are contradicted. By now I understand that he has some serious communication issues. I used to always let it pass. For the sake of peace.

Not tonight though.

We had an exchange of words and he did not join the dinner table.

I've had enough of it.

The amount of disrespect I endured for this so called peace will no longer increase after tonight. While I feel bad, I don't particularly feel guilty abt the whole dinner situation.

If he doesn't want to eat the food I bought, cooked and put on his table, then so be it. His little tantrum will not faze me anymore.

I am tired of balancing each and everyone of this family's emotion and whims. I've known this for some time now, but I just didn't have the courage to put my foot down.

I am putting it down now. I've always been in charge of this family but I do not exert my authority for fear of being accused of abusing it. Not tonight.

Not anymore.

[catchymemes]

[quotefeeling]

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”

— C.S. Lewis

[catchymemes]

[maybe-itsforthebest]

- j (x)

[catchymemes]

[flightlessseraph]

"Your people"

The subtle but very loud recognition of the community is just 💖.

[flightlessseraph]

Tired... soooooo tired with carrying the weight of this family on my shoulders.

I wonder, when will I have myself for myself alone?

This coexistence is draining me to the core.

[flightlessseraph]

Recently, I get engaged by several people, in different occasions, about my age.

I tell them I'm 45. And then wait for their reaction.

Always disbelief of course, and then they guess a number which is always higher than my real age. When I finally tell them the truth, they'd be evasive and in uncomfortable, broken phrases, tell me that I look older than my age.

It used to always upset me when people assume I'm older- that I'm married, or that I have borne and raised children. It made me more self-conscious about my physical appearance.

But not anymore. These recent encounters made me realize that while i'm still affected, I am no longer insecure. Very quickly I would realize:

My hair is my choice because I choose efficiency (it's short rt now- really short)

The lines on my face are testaments of the grief I survived and the joys I received, and everything in between.

My body is a work in progress, a manifestation of the journey towards the alignment of who I am and who God wants me to be.

The strength in my voice and the assertiveness in my stance are products of years and years of fighting against oppression and mediocrity.

Yes, I look older than my age because I am - I feel older than people my age; I am married to my passions; I may have not borne my siblings but I've raised them just like any mother would; I raised my family together with Mama when Papa left for the heavens.

While it would be nice to be perceived as young, it brings pride to be looked at and told "you look older than your age".

"Well, do I? Thank you."

[dotmatrices]

stop freaking out about getting old and start planning out what kind of old person you're gonna be

[flightlessseraph]

Oh yes yes yes...

[tenaciouszombiearcher]

Knowledge is empowering

[fluffmugger]

you can literally get gender changers for like $3

[pkducklett]

And yes, that's literally what they're called.

[flightlessseraph]

For $3 and a cent.

[ilaw-at-panitik]

It's not the fault of the student who has not read Nick Joaquin, who does not know "May Day Eve." I think it's a structural issue. I think it's an education issue. I think it's a political issue. I think it's a government issue. Shame on the government. Shame on the educational institutions that don't move the Filipinos to read the work of their own writers from the time they're little. I grew up reading Philippine Journal of Education in a really backwards, teeny tiny river town in Leyte. Not even in Tacloban, in my mom's hometown Barugo, Leyte. [...] But in that hometown, people had, my aunt had Philippine Journal of Education. I would read the stories of Nick Joaquin there... and so many books were available to me. Martial Law really changed the kinds of books that were offered to me. From reading the Victorian Era poets, and [other] English language poets, and Nick Joaquin, we ended up reading stories about aswang... I don't know what happened with my English education... But I would always go to have generosity with the Filipino who is the victim here. They're not the ones who are perpetuating their own ignorance. It is the government that's doing that; it is the schools. And I think it is our job to have that generosity for the Filipino reader. To say "the Filipino is not a reading public" already puts the burden on that Filipino. The burden should be on the government, that should have a better educational system for all of us.

Gina Apostol, in MCAD TK’s Rediscovering Nolledo: Reading But for the Lovers

[flightlessseraph]

AGREED.

If not for the Introduction to Philippine Literature owned by my aunt who was a college student then, I, too would have been among the "non-reading public". Would it have been my fault?

No. Not every elementary child will pick up a college textbook and labor through the pages instead of playing outside under the glorious summer sun.

We should not put to chance, nor hold children accountable over, matters pertaining to education and culture. We let them play under the sun, if that is what they prefer - and during their time inside the classroom, inside the home - we let them wander to places and times beyond what their little feet can conquer. We educate them.

That is the job of the community, of the government.