Lost in a sea of flowers @flowery-moth-angel - Tumblr Blog

🌺💜Introduction💜🌺

Hi, I'm Vaggie. I'm a fictive of a polyfrag did system. I'm not very social or anything, but I wanted my own space. I go by Vaggie or Vagatha. My pronouns are she/her.

Account is currently incomplete with set up because we are bodily disabled and do not have the spoons to do it.

I don't know if I'll share this account with anyone else, but yeah. Our system reblogs more than we post original things.

Practicing witch and back in the swing of things so many reblogs will be about it. I also just really like aesthetic photos and posts. I like my blog to be pretty and comforting.

Later 🌺

#vaggie fictive #system #introduction #alter intro #pinned post #practicing witch

passionpeachy

valentine moth

I am alive. And I am growing every day. I am changing and transforming. I am awakening to my new life. No longer bound by the guilt, the pain, the trauma. No longer held back by heavy chains from fake relationships and people that never cared for me. I am honestly and wholly myself. And I feel alive. Every mistake, every messy, every imperfection is beautiful in me. I am human. I will make memories. I will have the life I always wanted. Because when change comes, I face it even if I'm scared. I am not who I once was even a year ago, not even a few months ago. I grow stronger and more kind. I grow patient and understanding and wise. And I am alive.

I will live. I will breathe. I will dance. I will smile. I will laugh. I will dream. I will sleep. I will eat. I will live.

Leaving behind the old. Molting. Shedding skin. A metamorphosis. And I am alive. Growing to be who I am meant to be and who I want to be.

I am alive. I am human. I am wonderful. I flow with the change. And I accept the new day.

#practicing witch #journaling #word offering #processing trauma #gentle reminders #recoverycore #trauma recovery #hope #recovery hope #reminders #recovery reminders #recovering

I don't need to forgive you. I don't think I will ever forgive you. You were a cruel and mean friend. You hurt me for years. You mocked my actions that were a result of my neglect. You judged how me and my friends are with our trauma.

You hurt me. You abandoned me. You dismissed my disabilities

But I will let you go. I do not forgive you. I will not forgive you. But as time passes, the wound hurts less. You will be nothing but a memory. You do not have control over me. And I feel your hold on my emotions lessening.

I am still hurt. I will still cry. I am still angry. But you mean nothing to me. And the pain heals the more I talk. I grieve for what I lost trying to be your friend. For all that you did for me. For how I believed you to be better than you were. But you are a bad memory. And I'm happy to be free from you.

#venting #journaling #word offering #cord cutting writing #part of my cord cutting spell #releasing the past #processing trauma #trauma recovery #I will be okay #my recovery

I am the monster of your making

Holding the blade my teacher gave to me

I hold it to your throat and know that I have control

You always cry, you think I'm something

That's far too frightening for your pitiful eyes

I was never a monster or an animal

I was a fucking child that you never wanted.

I could teach you a lesson, I could always make you pay

For the years of swirling hate torturing inside of me

The pain and the agony that eats me through

The starvation gnawing at my bones

But I will be everything you will never be

Because I have the strength to face my past

And be happier than you will ever be

Because I will not die wondering why

Someone I loved can't stand to be around me.

I belief I was a mistake made by God himself

Destined to ruin this place, this family, this planet

A downfall of humanity in a four year old child

Left to suffocate. Better off dead. Than a stain of misery on this family.

But I found my home amongst

And I knew what love was

What you never gave me.

I do not care how you cry or feel bad

Your sorry is hollow and empty

Meant to be forgiven without any change

I don't care what you say to me

As I release the blade from your neck

You are good as dead to me

Because you will never accept that you hurt me

Damaged me, destroyed me, turned me into an abusive monster

When I was a fucking child that didn't know

What I was doing or how to be

Every memory tainted by your lack of affection

Worse when you failed to notice or protect me

A four year old should not feel like a monster

For having any fucking needs.

But I will live a life of love

Controlled and restrained

For I have the will to create

The life I wanted

That you never gave to me.

#venting #practicing witch #journaling #word offering #processing trauma #pissed off #vent writing #my own words #my own writing #🦉💙🖤#❤️🗡️🖤#💛🩵#💜💀🦋#abuse vent #neglect vent

I am not weak. I am what you made

I am the beast that you created

You cannot blame me when you continue to punish me

Sever the boundaries and act like I'm too much

When I try to work and you cry that it's not fair

That I expect too much that I don't make sense

I'm sick of your excuses.

I am not weak. I carry the blade of my master.

Taught me and guided me when you had failed.

I am not weak. I carry the heart of my mother.

The one who stood by me when you did not.

I am not weak. I am a person of my own making

I am a warrior with the will to survive

So I am not weak and I am not broken

I am not just the monster that you made of me

I am controlled and I am powerful

And I am far happier than you will ever be.

#venting #journaling #word offering #processing trauma #🦉💙🖤#❤️🗡️🖤#💛🩵#💜💀🦋#practicing witch #vent writing

I stab myself just to keep you happy

Wanting to see the look in your eyes

When you appreciate all that I do for you

It's natural. It's what you taught me to do.

But I'm bleeding out and you don't know why

You won't look at me with recognition in your eyes

Of what you did to leave lying here dying here.

I'm weak but I'm still alive and you want me to just be better

My body will never be the same

I took every step in killing it, in cutting me apart

To fit your mold and what a human is meant to be

But I'm still just an animal you've punished

That you can't even look at

When I'm the result of your actions.

#vent writing #journaling #word offering #processing trauma #my own words #my own writing

I feel like it doesn't even get across when I say "I feel nothing." Like. It's just an empty sort of feeling. Not as if something is missing, but as if nothing was there at all. The epitome of apathy and neutral. I do not feel human. I do not feel like a person. I do not feel strongly. I do not feel negatively. I simply do not feel. A void of nothingness.

It sounds scary, but. I just feel nothing. At most I may feel very shallow emotions. Like a black painting with the tiniest dots of individual color, so small they're barely perceptible. And they're gone in the sea of black before you know it. The dark canvas consuming any moment of color.

And I just feel bored. And empty. But not the kind of emptiness I feel in true heartbreak and agonizing hurt. But just...that there's nothing. An empty shell. An empty bowl. Nothing goes there. Just. Empty. In the shape of a person. But not a person.

#venting #vent writing #thinking #just thinking #journaling

It's hard to feel alive when you switch molds every like 2 seconds and go back and forth based on completely small things that you don't even realize.

How do I go from "okay, feeling better" to "I feel absolutely nothing and I don't even feel like a human being but it isn't even bad." I'm just tired of being this fucked up. I vibe the best I can, but god. It wears us down sometimes.

#journaling #it never had to be this way #I never had to be this way #venting #just thinking #processing trauma #vent writing

thepagangroup

Deity of the Week- Hermes

“I sing of Hermes Kyllenios (of Mt Kyllene), Argeiphontes (the Slayer of Argus), lord of Kyllene (Cyllene) and Arkadia rich in flocks, luck-bringing (eriones) messenger of the deathless gods (angelos athanaton). He was born of Maia, the daughter of Atlas, when she had made with Zeus,–a shy goddess she. Ever she avoided the throng of the blessed gods and lived in a shadowy cave, and there Kronion [Zeus] used to lie with the rich-tressed Nymphe at dead of night, while white-armed Hera lay bound in sweet sleep: and neither deathless god nor mortal man knew it. And so hail to you, Son of Zeus and Maia; with you I have begun: now I will turn to another song! Hail, Hermes, giver of grace (kharidotes), guide (diaktoros), and giver of good things (dotor eaon)!”- Homeric Hymn to Hermes

Hermes is the son of Zeus and his nymph mother, Maia, born from their love. He is the personal messenger to his father, and also to Hades. Classically, he is depicted as a young man both attractive and athletic, or as an older man with a beard. His most famous myth is the one where upon his birth, he creeps from his cradle and travels to where his brother Apollon holds his oxen and makes off with them. He typically shown wearing winged boots or sandles while holding a caduceus.

God of:

Hermes is a god of many attributes. His most common association is him as a trickster god, or a messenger god. While both are accurate and true, his associates are far more encompassing than that:

Animal husbandry

Roads and travel

Hospitality

Diplomacy

Trade

coins

Thievery

Language

Writing

luck

Athletic contests

Astronomy and astrology

Boundries

Guide of the dead

Magic

And so much more. No God has only one facet, and to limit them in such a way is to deign them what they truly are.

Correspondences:

Plants-

Crocus- a beautiful purple flowering plant

Strawberry trees

I would also argue any plant that can be associated with death or being laid to rest can also be associated with him, as he is a guide to the underworld and is one of the only beings able to freely pass between the land of the dead and the living.

Animals-

Cattle/oxen

Turtles/tortoise

Hawks

Any bird of omens

Rooster/cock

Rams

Hares

Snakes

Guard dogs

Occupations-

Some gods are the patrons of specific jobs, job fields and hobbies. A few for Hermes are

Bike messenger

Mail person/postal worker

Diviners

Mediums

Magicians/illusionists

Merchant

Hospitality workers

Hotel and inn keepers

Travel guides

Veterinarians and Vet Techs

Animal breeders

Herdsmen/cowboys/etc

Funeral directors

Diplomats

Bankers/bank tellers

Donation center workers

and so many more. And while I wouldn’t technically consider thievery an occupation, some might. In which cause he is also the god of professional thieves.

Colors-

Red

Purple

Silver

Gold

Copper

Most colors you would associated with trade, merchants, coin, plushness, etc.(SPG)

Black(UPG)

Grey(UPG)

White(UPG)

Most colors that can be associated with death or passing can be associated with him

Scents-

Lavender

Strawberries

Frankincense( A general all around good choice for all the Theoi)

The smell of ink and parchment/paper(SPG)

Stones-

Marble or Alabaster(UPG)

It’s not stones, but metals like copper, silver, gold- anything that is or was used to make currency

Offerings:

Incense

Honey

Olives or olive oil

Wine

Milk

Turtle shells or turtle shaped objects

Coins/currency/money

Written messages(SPG)

Strawberries

Feathers(legal to own-let’s not get in trouble now)

dice

Devotional Activities:

There’s so many choices of devotional activities when it comes to Hermes.

Writing letters

Donating to homeless shelters or food pantries

Study animal husbandry

Become a magician/illusionist

Travel to another town/state/country

Try something that requires luck- cards, dice games, etc.

Learn about astronomy

Honor the dead

Learn about your ancestors

Study astrology

Pick up a sport

Workout/become athletic

Give a few coins to a homeless person

Learn other languages

Practice speaking

Learn to be diplomatic

A more modern twist to a devotional act would be to pick up merchant skills in a game, like mmorpgs. Or, avoid being a real life thief and become one in a game! There’s so many options, just let your imagination go wild.

~That’s all for deity of the week! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!~

-Artistic

larcher0001

Hermes sent me here.

Thank you, Hermes.

nando161mando

oops! it seems i tripped and dropped several million free books, papers, and other resources

https://annas-archive.org

https://sci-hub.se

https://z-lib.is

https://libgen.is

https://libgen.rs

https://www.pdfdrive.com

https://library.memoryoftheworld.org

https://monoskop.org/Monoskop

https://libcom.org

https://libretexts.org

http://classics.mit.edu

https://librivox.org

https://standardebooks.org

https://www.gutenberg.org

https://core.ac.uk

flamingwitchery-inactive-deacti

oh no! Whatever shall we do! i guess we'll just have to use them to read interesting stuff!

We've felt so much power in our words lately. Writing out all kinds of prose and poetry. It's given us a lot of power in communication. It helps because we have difficulties with it.

#journaling #venting #just thinking #processing trauma #thinking

Being polyfrag can be so exhausting just cause of like. There's too many emotions. Ad things get complicated. And we are all so wishy washy.

I don't know. I feel complicated and weird. There's usually a fair amount of people in our front space too. Even if we don't know it. It's whatever. I don't know. My brain is fuzzy.

#dissociation #did vent #polyfrag

I don't know if I have aphantasia or anything. I've never really felt like I had.

But I've begun to really struggle with visualizing things. I mean. I always have. But I'm starting to understand it.

Like how people have these headspaces for their systems or like brain made alters. It's always...been hard to visualize that. It took so long to have anything and even then. None of it meshes. And our main front space is just a void that we can poof stuff into temporarily. Even if we can produce images, they take so much mental strain.

I don't really understand any of it either. Since it's all abstract, I'm not even sure if we talk about the same thing.

Imagining deities is often the same way. I don't really have...ways that they look for me. But I see other people mention it. Most of the time, they'll just look like some version I've seen before. Artwork, fictional, stuff like that. Beelzebub takes on a form of Beel from Obey Me. Not quite the same, but it's basically just him. Mammon goes back and forth between Mammon from Obey Me and Helluva Boss.

I've always wondered how people describe the way they look. Skin color, eye color, hair color, length, physique. I just see...a color associated sometimes. But I apply colors to lots of things.

We never thought we had it cause we figured we had a vivid imagination. But like. We are realizing more and more...how often we just sit there. Seeing nothing or barebones. And if we try to visualize or see images in our head, it ruins any train of thought.

I don't know. I'm not gonna say it's aphantasia. Cause. We really don't understand it. We struggle with things like this where...it's something each person would experience on their own. But we've just realized how much of a struggle it is for us.

And all those times being told to imagine things and stuff like that. Or even watching fictional characters. And we would just stare in autistic confusion cause I didn't know how they did it or if it was a real thing.

#bad with words #abstract things and things only we experience like this #it makes mind feel muddied and fuzzy #it very hard for us to communicate #just thinking

im actually so fucking heartbroken. I didn't know the deadline for old pocket camp data to the new complete app was a month ago. November/December was the beginning of a bunch of major life stuff. I've been so dissociated and depressed. I saw stuff about transferring and all, but I never once saw the deadline. I was tuned the fuck out.

Only to try to play and see that the deadline was there. But since I didn't go actively looking for it cause I've been dealing with fucking irl issues and my data is gone.

The game that got me into animal crossing at all. The game I fell in love with Freya. Saving up so many tickets. Acquiring so many items I wanted. I feel so fucking numb. Losing my og data from the original release was one thing. But this? This is like 5-6 years of my data. Fucking gone cause I'm too fucking disabled to handle it myself and far too depressed and dissociated.

I can't handle losing save data. I'm so upset. I can only blame my fucking self. But I can't do that. Cause I have been having a hard several months. I needed to prioritize myself and back off of trying to fix everything right away. It was breaking me. But it hurts that my pocket camp data got caught up in that.

I don't have the fucking energy to restart. I'm just gonna hide the app on my phone. I can't fucking handle this. I started backing off social media and online back in December. And it's only been me living under a rock more for my fucking mental stability and physical care. And it cost me my fucking data. I feel so angry at myself and I'm trying not to hate myself. But this? This kind of stuff? This is why my ocd is so fucking bad about shit online.

I just have to go deal with my own shit. Mourn the data and all. But also just like. Fucking try not to let this fuck up my stability that I've been building over the past several months since December.

#venting #I'm actually so upset #I saw articles about the data transfer and how to do it but not any about a deadline #and I just fucking clocked out #winter was fucking hell and I only started feeling okay again in late spring #and I've been spending so much time taking care of myself and focusing on my health #and I'm so angry that it cost me precious memories and so many years of work #journaling #this hurts so much and our boyfriend isn't around so...having to try to cope with big feelings on my own #I really hate being so fucked up sometimes #I never had to be this way

enchanting-jewel

Purple Witchy Aesthetic

We've taken up trying to learn belly dancing on our own from some tutorials made by a woman we follow. She explains it real well. And we can even do it on our back so we can try to learn it even when we don't have energy to get up.

It feels really weird to move some of those core muscles. But it makes us feel beautiful and it's going to probably help with some of our pain. Plus we miss dancing a lot. It's kind of exciting to be honest. It really does feel so freeing and we just did one little shimmy.

#journaling #just thinking #our personal lives

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