#processing trauma

[gothic-lottie]

This is the censored version since the main one has some blood. It's below the cut along with some explanation for the picture. I find it helpful to try and visualize my feelings so that's what this is attempting to do.

As is the case with all my mental health related posts, please do not ask for further details unless we are friends. Also, to my friends I'm sorry if I've been distant or quiet lately. It's hard for me to tell but I reckon I probably have been.

This month holds a lot of very difficult trauma anniversaries for me and no matter how long it's been, my body still reacts. This year I've had a lot of memory recovery of bits that were previously lost to me and it's caused some difficult feelings. I'm not even so much mad at my abusers anymore, only disgusted that there are people as malicious as them. This year I find myself angry with my own mind because she's the one that hid such vital information from me. If I'd had access to these memories back then… I would have gotten out of both relationships with minimal harm. Really, if I'd never had gaps in the first place, I would never have met my second abuser at all but that's a longer story.

No matter how she tried to protect me by hiding away these memories, my body remembered. Without the memories, I had no context for my own body's reactions. No clue where the injuries came from… and still being angry seems wrong too. What else can a child's mind do but hide? Because that's what I was when I started having gaps. A child. And still I am angry because a child should never have to experience something so terrible that they have to forget… so maybe I am still mad at my abusers, or maybe it's my disability that I'm upset with. It's hard to say really.

[lokisflame]

When I lie with the ashes

When I fall broken and ashamed

When I lay soaked in the world’s weight

Please Loptr help me rekindle the flame

You compel me to laugh

But my laugh is a lie

You compel me to shine

But it’s dark inside

You compel me to dance

But I’m frozen with fear

You’re the outcast one

So I know you are here

Here where the dead leaves

Are flung off the trees by wind

Where the forever shunned snake

Is stuck shedding its skin

Here in the aftermath

Of the forest fire

Where new life tries to grow

From a crisis that’s dire

On the days where I

Cannot stand without shaking

Cannot breath without gasping

Cannot speak without crying

And yet can’t find the words

Or tears

I feel you here

You make no rush

To pick me back up

For that’s something I must do

But you lay with me on the cold ground

In the darkness

Letting me know that it’s you

Loki, Outcast,

The earth shakes with your screams

Please stay with me as I lay

In my chains of trauma and shame

Until I can break me free

Hail to you, Chaos God, god of the in-between

[ordinarytalk]

What "processing trauma" actually mean

Okay, so this might be obvious to other people, but I had always been unclear on what "processing trauma" actually meant, but then this just hit me like a bolt of lightning

Processing trauma is literally just remembering the traumatic event and deciding how you want to react to it

Literally! That's it! It's not some unclear, amorphous thing. It's a step-by-step process that anyone can follow! Here, I'll type out how I do it, with an example from my past

HOW TO PROCESS TRAUMA:

1) Remember the traumatic event

(I was badly bullied by a kid named Kyle growing up)

2) Think about/analyze the traumatic event

(The bullying involved x, y, and z. Adults were aware of it, but didn't step in because it was not seen as a big deal. I became depressed and withdrawn, and gained a fear of being alone with boys my own age. Kyle had a very bad home life, and he probably started bullying as a way to regain agency in his life. The adults in our lives failed both of us in different ways)

3) Decide how you feel about it

(I am angry at a system that failed both me and Kyle, I am angry and sad at how adults reacted to the bullying and the messages that sent to both of us, but I do not want to continue being angry at the memory of a child who grew up a long time ago)

4) Decide what, if anything, you're going to do about it

(I am an advocate for anti-bullying campaigns and strong social safety nets. I do not tolerate bullies in my classes, and if someone is bullying I will try to figure out what the root cause of the behavior is. I hope Kyle has a happy life thousands of miles away from me and I never want to see him again, even if he has changed)

Again, this all might have been obvious to other people, but this was a huge help for me

[butchreg]

are people gonna get irritated if i make Another dogre nikki board . . ....

[venusplutoangels]

I’ve been wanting to paint this in the style of Tracey Emin for years and I finally drew it on my iPad on procreate. I can’t wait until I’m able to paint this on a canvas. This is about how I’ve only ever felt pretty while having my trauma re-enacted through rough and degrading sex with a partner who did not give a fuck about my well-being. I broke my own heart each time that I recreated my sexual abuse but I also laid it out on a silver platter for the predator to devour it as well. This was a partnered effort that made me feel at home during the act and torn with shame and self disgust afterwards. This piece is the visual representation of sex used as self harm. I know that many victims of csa/sa who have acted out in both sexual and self destructive ways because of what we suffered before. I make this art for many survivors who can relate but also for the survivors who have too much shame to speak out about it. The world has shunned us enough for something that was out of our control so please have compassion and grace towards yourself. Love, Grace <3

[th3p0rtalmaker]

I need to vent about a specific traumatic experience that made me feel extremely angry and disgusted. (Under the cut due to mild descriptions of abuse, but it's actually about struggling to find help and support.)

When I finally decided to escape my abusive family, the first resources I contacted for help were local women's shelters. Every single one of them turned me away because A) I wasn't fleeing an abusive partner, and B) I didn't have any children with me.

For context, my bio parents (especially my mother) put me through the gamut of narcissistic abuse for roughly 21 years, in all the major categories you can think of: financial, emotional, physical, sexual, mental, verbal, brainwashing, literally holding me hostage, etc.) I, a disabled young adult, had been prevented from learning any skills that could've helped me function independnently, and knew almost nothing about getting the accommodations I needed.

I explained my situation over and over and over and OVER to people I thought would help me. And every single time, I was told that the waking nightmare I was living in didn't qualify me to get the help I needed. I ended up moving to a completely differet state to get away from my bio family, and all the resource centers/women's shelters I contacted in said new state rejected me for the exact same reasons: No abusive romantic partner, and no children. (And yes, this lack of support did contribute to me being homeless for 6 months.)

Remembering the way I was treated back then makes me so angry and disgusted. I can feel my body's internal temp raising. I'm irritable and short-tempered and I just wanna RAGE. I don't uderstand why anyone working at a shelter for domestic violence victims would refuse to help someone in my situation in any way. Even if they genuinely couldn't help me, why didn't they point me in the direction of someone who could help me? Why did my suffering mean nothing to those people?!

Side Note: I think the reason this particular memory is bothering me right now is because my neighbor was kind enough to give me 2 rolls of toilet paper, which I was in desperate need of but also extremely anxious about asking her for. It appears this objectively good experience has triggered my memory of an un-processed traumatic experience. Altho I don't think this will be enough to fully process it yet.

[beetleboxx]

Reminding myself tonight of all the goodness in my life and in my heart in the face of scary things in therapy. I’m not alone, not even close. I love all of them so much.

[creatingnikki]

notes from my therapist

when we explore what happened in your childhood, it is not to blame your parents or have a biased judgement of them. it is to understand how events impacted you and what your experience was. so you don’t have to feel guilty about talking about it or as if you are betraying your family. 

trauma can be of various types and it does not only have to be induced due to one major event. there can also be trauma from situations of acute stress over a prolonged period of time. 

choosing the wrong or right people does not mean they are good or bad. it means understanding what is healthy for you and what you want. it’s not putting them into boxes, it’s simply knowing what is healthy for you.

why do you wait for a green light from others? what is your green light? why do your decisions have to be based on what others want? what do you want?

being a friendly person and being an open book does not mean that you cannot have boundaries. 

you disappointing someone or them disappointing you does not have to be the end of the relationship.