A Big Fat Fluffy Nebula. With glitter. OwO.

Random stuff, mostly ED recovery 🧷

[fluffynebula]

I hate driving in the rain. Today, there was finally a bit of sunshine, so I dragged my butt out and bought stuff.

It was important because I don't always feel like eating, but I'm not the only one in the house. Nobody wants to cook full meals if I'm not going to eat, but we were out of convenience foods. So I have been eating from guilt and obligation, which really just makes everything more emotionally complicated.

Breakfast- noodles with shrimp and chicken

Snack- gorgonzola snacks

Supper- Pizza. We got a large one topping from dominos and added some cheese and sausage that's been in the deep freezer for a while. It's probably hard to see it, but I thought it would be funny to stick a pizza roll onto a slice of pizza.

[fluffynebula]

My appointment with the dietician was okay, I guess. It felt kind of unhelpful. The previous person and I would spend an hour discussing food and I would learn things like carbs actually help fight depression, or eating a protein plus carb might help me sleep. This person ended the appointment at half an hour, after suggesting I try something. It's similar, but different. Each morning, I'm going to write a schedule to eat, and possibly plan meals. I don't think it'll make a difference, but I'm willing to give it a shot.

I spent a little time after the appointment looking into local therapists that work with eating disorders and with trauma. The options are rather few.

Breakfast- BBQ pulled chicken, mac n cheese, corn, and baked beans

Lunch- 3 tbsp ice cream

Supper- Buffalo chicken ramen with fried chicken breast

[fluffynebula]

Tomorrow is my second telehealth appointment with my new dietician. We didn't ever complete our last appointment, which was messed up by the app.

I was planning to ask for recommendations for a new counselor. While the last one was okay, we both agreed that it wasn't going anywhere. Ultimately, I have had the most success just hearing a dietician/ nutritionist give me food facts.

It sucks because that therapist was so highly recommended. They run a support group and everything... But I think they were accustomed to people with specific issues that I don't have. Or maybe we have the same problems, but I have extras. At our very first appointment, I was diagnosed with PTSD. The therapist and I agreed that it didn't seem to be related.

Recently, however, a friend asked the right question and as I tried to answer it, I thought about things I had never thought about. I realized that there's been a long history of trauma and gaslighting that has completely altered the way I live and the way I think. It's affected my ability to trust myself.

My friend said what I have isn't PTSD. It's CPTSD. I looked into that, and yes... That sounds accurate. And I think I need to find someone to diagnose and start treating that before I can get on the other side of the ED. It's been such a long week and it's only Wednesday. (Thursday now, I guess)

[fluffynebula]

Oh, goodness. I drove my bestie to the doctor and we stopped at a restaurant for lunch. Without thinking, I got coleslaw as a chaser. It was still kind of hard to eat this really heavy meal. Halfway through, I remembered to be afraid of parasites in raw veggies. I've been mildly panicked ever since. I'm sure I'm fine, but yikes.

Breakfast- soba with two eggs (no pic, so... Random frog? 🐸)

Lunch- honey butter chicken with mac n cheese and coleslaw

Supper- one wing and a thigh from the deli section of a grocery store along with my hot and sweet pickles

[fluffynebula]

If it's late and I'm still awake and haven't eaten, my bestie has decided to make spaghetti and garlic bread. The carbs take me out.

I feel like it's weird to have two kinds of fries? I like sweet potato fries enough to want a small handful of them if I happen to be baking them, anyway, but not enough to have a whole serving of them.

Breakfast- two burgers, sweet potato fries, "regular" fries, hot and sweet pickles

Snack- Mushroom crisps

Snack? Culture Pop

Supper- spaghetti with garlic bread

[fluffynebula]

I'm so grumpy right now. When the water was turned back on, we were told to let it run until the water is clear because it might be contaminated. There are a lot of old pipes in the area, so lead, rust, etc., could be an issue.

I let it run kind of a while after it was clear. It should be safe. I've been struggling to accept that the water is okay and finally acknowledged that my struggle is probably complicated by ARFID.

So I ordered a pitcher with a water filter. It's one that a friend got recently because they also didn't trust the city water anymore. It's supposed to be really good. It removes about 99% of any contaminants. The water tastes noticeably better after it's been through the filter.

For some reason or another, someone at Amazon packed my filter, without the original box, plastic, or shipping foam, into a plastic bag. Parts (like the actual filter that goes into the pitcher) were just tossed into an Amazon shipping bag with a random other item. How are you going to pack items intended to sanitize... in an unsanitary way? And because of the way it was packed, it was cracked!

A crack isn't just cosmetic damage when it comes to a container that holds water. So now I still can't drink!

[fluffynebula]

It occurred to me around 5am that maybe I was dizzy because I was dehydrated. I haven't really trusted the water since they shut it off. I've only been drinking enough to swallow my pills. So I ordered Powerade and I started doing a lot better after five bottles. I'm still sick, otherwise, and had a hard time fully waking until after 2.

I tried to make a dish I found on Red Note: Chinese stuffed eggplant. My stuffing was a bit too wet so it burned. I turned it into a scramble.

Breakfast- eggplant scramble (eggplant, egg, and ground turkey)

Lunch- applesauce, yogurt with peanut butter and sugar free honey

I had decided to stop there and go to bed. I was literally saving this post when someone asked me to eat. So I have spaghetti and garlic bread. It's kind of a lot of food, probably because they know I need more calories . I will eat as much of it as I can and put the rest in the fridge.

[fluffynebula]

I made a big brunch. I didn't want anything else after that, so I had milk and protein drinks so I could get some calories and nutrients.

I think I may have something. I've been tired all day (I got up so late). A few hours before bed, I started having digestive issues, body aches, and getting waves of dizziness. I haven't eaten raw vegetables in a month, so it's not that parasite. Nobody I've been around has been sick. Hopefully, it'll be over tomorrow.

Brunch- baked chicken and fries

Milk and Glucerna

[fluffynebula]

8 August

I got a membership to my local grocery store. I'm glad I finally did the math, because I discovered I can save a lot of money by having groceries delivered. They have their own drivers who get paid a fair wage and aren't allowed to accept tips. So I get free grocery deliveries and a free subscription to Disney+.

I'm behind on movies because

1) I'm broke

2) I'm bad at focusing on a movie. I always have to be doing something else simultaneously.

So I finally got around to watching Encanto and Raya and the Last Dragon.

_-*-_ _-*-_ _-*-_

Anyway, here's what I ate for the day.

Breakfast- ramen with ground beef in it (I forgot to take a pic, so there's a random hamster)

Lunch- Apple sauce

Supper- pulled BBQ chicken, corn, baked beans, mac n cheese

Snack- watermelon gummies... 🐹 (Another random hamster because I didn't take a pic 😅😆)

[fluffynebula]

Food from 7 August

Snack- ice cream sandwich

Breakfast- soup

Supper- mostly seafood at a Chinese buffet. I ate a lot of the salt and pepper shrimp

[fluffynebula]

I left the house unexpectedly in the morning and didn't get a chance to eat until I returned home in the evening, so I didn't do a great job with food.

Snack- protein water (zero calories, not sure that counts?)

Snack- can of green beans

Breakfast- 2 cheese burgers with a handful of fries

Snack- watermelon gummies

[fluffynebula]

Food from Wednesday.

Breakfast- most of a medium beef pizza from Dominos

Lunch- spaghetti

Snack- half a protein drink

Snack- ice cream

[fluffynebula]

I kept meaning to start tracking my food again, but I just didn't follow through. This is what I ate Tuesday. I think I did pretty well.

Breakfast- cheese sandwich and spicy sweet pickles

Snack- strawberry Chex

Lunch- Chinese noodle soup with fish filet pieces and seaweed salad

Supper - Taco Bell cheesy bean and rice burrito and melty steak burrito

[fluffynebula]

Wtf. The water is mysteriously shut off. I watched someone from the city come in the truck, get the T out, and shut the water off. Not specifically my water, but the street. I called in an hour later to see what was going on. They said water in various parts of the city is just... Shut off due to an issue with the main. There had been zero notice. They didn't have an estimate on when it'll be on again. We're just... Without running water.

** edit... The water was turned back on around 3am. The following day passed with no notice regarding the water. The day after that, they put notices on our doors, saying to run the water for a bit before using it! Wtf. I mean, we didn't use it because it was brown, but c'mon.

[fluffynebula]

TW: dealing with the anorexia monster right now

Uhm, okay? Staying the night with someone who means well, but really doesn't get it.

I was on the edge of sleep when I heard, "hnh... It's too bad you wouldn't eat them. I can't make you eggs anymore." I spent a few minutes trying to process this.

"What are you talking about?"

The explanation was that they remembered that I like the way they make eggs, but they couldn't make them for me, because I wouldn't eat them. I was totally confused, because why wouldn't I eat them? "You wouldn't eat them because you wouldn't be hungry. It wasn't like that before."

I explained that of course, I would eat them. I'm not on a hunger strike? I have had an eating disorder the entire time they've known me, but I ate their eggs.

This gif popped into my mind when they said this, but the last thing I wanted was a stressful conversation about food. So, I just kind of let it hang there, even though I could tell they didn't understand.

Unfortunately, now I'm lying here, staring into the darkness of the room and listening to them breathe. I'm wide the heck awake. I'm just lying here, trying to understand what they don't understand.

They've known me for over half of my life. I've been known to go days with little to no food. Like, they've seen it happen and I never mentioned being hungry. There was about a year that all I ate each day were a Slim Jim and a Sunny Delight.

But suddenly, it's so confusing that I've got an eating disorder. And they assume I just... Never eat? At all? That I refuse food? Of course I ate something. Otherwise, I would have died long ago. What I didn't do was eat 20 freaking eggs, which is what it would take to get the right calories.

I get that it's weird to know someone for years and completely miss that they have an eating disorder. But I mean... I never hid the fact I didn't eat. So that's on you and your observation skills, because I wasn't even trying.

My disordered eating disorder was an accident and food didn't stress me the fuck out until it became mandatory for me to eat 20 eggs or whatever. Because why would anybody deliberately eat 2,000 calories, especially every day? And even more if you work out and you're trying to lose weight? How does that make sense?

Except it does make sense, because apparently, an average body needs more than 2 eggs and a piece of toast in a day. Even 6 eggs aren't enough. Even toddlers need 1200 calories.

I never meant to eat too little. I didn't even know. I thought I ate too much. For years, everyone blamed me being fat on me eating, "so much food". I wish I could just eat a thousand calories without feeling anxious, stressed, angry. Without arguing in my head. Without feeling like something is really freaking wrong with me because the science is there, so I should be able to wrap my mind around it.

[fluffynebula]

People think eating carb laden foods causes diabetes. I grew up with a mom who was diabetic. She made me afraid of carbs. Then, my friend wanted a diet buddy so I joined them on the Atkins diet. Then, someone else I was close to was diagnosed with diabetes.

All of this happened over years, while doctors were telling me to cut back. Never asking what I ate. Eat less refined carbohydrates. Cut back on bread. Cut back on pasta. Cut back on rice. You can only cut back so much, so I stopped eating most carbs. I became sensitive to them because I didn't eat enough of them, which has caused me to have health issues.

During recovery, I have made a point of eating bread, pasta, and even cookies and candy. My blood sugar is nearly identical. Carbs aren't the issue. I wish more people understood this, because I still have medical professionals start to suggest I cut back on carbs until they look at my records.

[fluffynebula]

Today, I learned we can block specific tags. I feel stupid for not checking before. I thought I was just stuck with all of the pro ana posts that kept showing up.