it had become a custom after all these years to set aside one of her free evenings somewhere in the year to get all dolled up for this dinner. she thought their parents were crazy after the request had come, especially seeing as she didn’t go out of her way to contact her family much, and they did the same. but they had made worse requests of her or her siblings, this one was at least enjoyable.
once the black car pulled up in front of the restaurant they had agreed upon for the evening yoona quickly exited and made her way inside, eyes quickly finding jiseok after making it through the front door. the way he greets her makes her genuinely laugh, though quietly as not to disrupt the other occupants or bring attention to them. “i think you get cheesier every year with your greetings,” she teased, bowing a bit in return to play along, though it wasn’t as dramatic as a result of the dress she wore. yoona thanked the older as he assisted her with her coat, something she wouldn’t have done had their situation been different from the forced yearly dinners their parents insisted on. “it’s lovely to dine with you as well,” she spoke, “are you ready to sit?”
it was almost a little strange how at ease he felt in a situation as wrong as this, but when yoona laughed in response to his words, his lips twitched with laughter of his own he only barely succeeded in holding back. “me?”, he replied with as much disbelief as he could muster instead, one hand settling on his chest to underline his surprise, “if i'm getting cheesier, it's only because you are getting more beautiful.” for someone who had never actually played the role of a male lead in a romantic drama or movie, he'd practiced enough to pull off the part of a gentleman his parents would undoubtedly be proud of – if only he was taking it seriously.
“of course,” he went on with a nod and moved towards the table the waiter had shown him to prior, matching her pace so he could dutifully pull out her chair for her. “how about some wine for this joyous occasion?” truthfully, jiseok had gotten so used to a diet consisting of whatever food could be shoved down quickly between schedules that most of the things on the menu felt foreign to him, even though these surroundings were far from unusual for his family – or hers. wine he'd be familiar with, at least.
“with the way my bones crack every time we’re practicing ring ding dong, i don’t think i’m forever 25.” a genuine humor laced laughter leaves his lips, recollecting his own instances of the dance studio - twelve years in, and he was only starting to feel the overarching effects of the age barriers separating him from the livelihood of new emerging groups on the scene. “however, if you decide to create a line for 50 year old men in the near future, i’d be honored to be your muse. make sure to photoshop away the wrinkles and fine lines though.” a quip of camaraderie that prompts a curve of his own lips, enveloping his face; it was a rare moment for the tyrannical mask to wash off his face, the consequence of being in the presence of an old friend tied together with the years between them.
jiseok feels an embarrassed smile tug at the corners of his lips despite himself – by now, he's drunk enough that he has to relinquish some of the control he has over his expression and little gestures to the liquor, so the only thing he can do is bow his head in an attempt to hide it, even if that means he's talking to the table and his empty glass more than his companion. “they actually made me main vocal too.” it feels weird to be the one to say that – almost like he's praising himself. “i mean, i'm a main vocal in knight too, but not the only one, you know?” he isn't sure what he's trying to say anymore – that he's glad for the chance, in part, and that he doesn't want to admit it gives him hope, probably.
his intake of breath at the mention of his future is too sharp to be subtle, bears too much resignation, too much defeat and the underlying tension of someone trying his hardest to bend but not break under the pressure. “i'll probably have taken over from my father, won't i?” there's no reason to phrase it as a question, not really – jiseok knows that that's the way his life is going to go. he'll be married to someone who does not love him, leading a business he does not care for out of obligation alone, and he'll be pretending to be happy just the same.
laughter bubbles up from deep within his chest at taejin's next words, laced with the warmth the alcohol has spread throughout his body. “there are people running marathons at 70 and well over, hyung, you shouldn't let your bones stop you.” it's easier said than done, he knows, it's nothing serious; nothing but an attempt to forget the fact that his own stamina has suffered in recent years, that knight's – and now champion's – choreographies feel more difficult than ever. “that's the good thing about my style of fashion – it's ageless. whether you're forever 25 or approaching 50, the boring church look works on anyone.” amusement swims in his voice, adding a more relaxed note and making his syllables transition into each other more smoothly, with less of the perfect precision he usually upholds. it's surprisingly easy, jiseok finds, to let go with a little coaxing from a longtime friend and the liquor shared between them. “that's why i've been wearing it all this time. i'm setting the groundwork for a new fashion trend.”
“hi,” her voice is brittle, soaked to the brim with exhaustion. cautious, she angles her body – her face – away from the all-seeing cameras and clings to the last of her composure. breathe, she coaxes as she dips her head in kind. you are on stage in three…two…one. “it seems i’m the lucky one, jiseok-ssi.” when she straightens, the barest hint of a smile graces the corner of her lips before fading beneath a fluttering cascade of cherry blossom petals loosened by a timely breeze, hiding the flicker of discomfort found in the depths of her eyes. “please take care of me.” won’t you – just like always?
were it anyone else but byul, jiseok might not have noticed the nuances of her tone, the smallest details in her expression – but it is byul; it's his saebyul who sometimes, he feels like he knows better than himself, and something is off. something's not right and jiseok's reaction is instant as he extends a hand towards her in an offer to help her up from the chair the stylists have kept her on long enough – a simple way to mask something bigger than that. when words can be overheard, all he can safely give is physical contact that he knows is expected of them for today's concept, anyway, and his brain is already busily sifting through ways to use that to his advantage, to theirs.
“of course,” he says, a lot firmer than necessary, because he's trying to make a point – is trying to make it clear to her that he will, somehow. there's always a way, he's sure, and he just has to find it.
purposefully turning towards the crew they are to work with today, he speaks up in a voice too loud to be natural to make sure they all hear – to make sure they pay attention. “as someone who is also active as an actor, i'll do my best to make today's shoot seem as real as possible. from now on, i'm going to act like i'm madly in love with byul sunbaenim!” laughter falls from his lips so easily afterwards that he hopes it's believable, hopes they won't suspect anything. for all they know, he's only trying to prove his dedication to this project he’s part of – no one has to know he could not care less about how lovely of a couple people are going to think they make, or about the suit they put him in that he can't discern from any of the ones he's worn to red carpet events and would, personally, not choose to wear to his own wedding.
this isn't going to fix anything, he knows that well, but privacy seems so far out of reach right now that the least he can do is this – make sure he could whisper to her, touch and hold her, without it bringing too much attention to them right from the start. when he turns back towards her, his smile softens once more as the feigned amusement fades from his eyes. we've got this, he wants to say, i'm here, but instead he just gives her hand a gentle squeeze and hopes it conveys the essence of it.
date: april 1st, late evening
desc: set in between his interactions with jiae and jiah at the art exhibition, basically the explanation for his somber mood and a quick introduction to the father-son dynamics
wc: 1101
notes: brief mention of yoona and hyeju's family
spring. new life.
jiseok knows little about art. tidbits of information he picked up here and there, things he learned from and for his sister, who has always been the artistic one of the two. what he knows is that a good businessman judges art by its market price, by how many people would gather before it, champagne flutes in hand, and marvel at its excellence – but jiseok is no longer that; a businessman.
it's high time he opened his eyes to things that need no rhyme nor reason, he thinks, to self-expression and a freedom he would never know.
jiseok does not know how to find meaning in brush strokes, beauty in colors and angles, and gets lost in them anyway.
spring. new life.
maybe it's time for him to try to start anew too, he catches himself thinking as soon as he parts ways with his sister, just once more – one more second chance. with silent determination, he steps outside and rounds a corner to pull his phone from his pocket and dial a number he hasn't called in months – his father's.
it's naive of him to think that things have changed, that anything has changed, and he knows it, but if he gives up on hope, what will he have left? so he hopes that his father might grow more lenient with age, or so fed up with him that he simply decides to hire a professional manager and give up on his only son, hopes that he'll forget about the existence of his daughter completely in the long time those two don't speak or contact each other – hopes.
his father answers in his business tone of voice, cool and professional, and were he any more ignorant, he might have thought that meant that he didn't know who's calling, but jiseok has dealt with this too often to fall for it – he's only trying to throw him off, lull him into a false sense of security. it's a strategy, it's manipulation – typical.
“why are you calling?”, he asks when jiseok fails to make his motives known within the first few seconds, since they're both well aware they don't contact each other when there's no reason to. why is he calling, then?
“i just wanted to check in with you, since i'll be busy from now on.” not exactly the truth, as the amount of schedules he has have been the same for a while, on average – and besides, it's not like they're in frequent contact, even if he has the time to.
“are you finally coming to your senses?”, is his father's response and jiseok has to bite back a sigh. of course. of course they can't have a single normal conversation without the topic of what he should be coming up – after all, it had never mattered who or how he was, only what he wasn't, and the answer is always this: good enough. he isn't good enough.
“i'm not sure what you mean.” jiseok plays ignorant, because it's easier – it's easier than explaining that his head has never been clearer and his decisions counted just the same, that he'd never not known what he was doing. you raised me to be calculating, to weigh all possible outcomes of the actions i take, he wants to say, i did that. i did what was best. where did arguing ever get him, though? for someone so focused on logic, his father has never been good at listening to reason or accepting criticism. what counts is his word and his word only – and jiseok begins to regret having called.
“you'll be thirty soon. what are you doing?” i'm living, jiseok thinks, for the first time in my life.
“my contract is still valid, father. please remember our agreement.” it's easier to talk to him on the phone, when the childish fear his father still instills in him is far away – it's a remnant of a time he didn't know how to fight back, a time he didn't dare to. sometimes, he wonders if it's any different now. it feels like he's stuck in a hostage situation and the only thing he can offer in exchange is his life – zugzwang. how could he not give it up, and willingly?
“i'm not getting any younger either.”
“is there a problem with your health?”
“no. no, there isn't, but you could be married by now. i could be a grandfather.”
“and you will be, one day.”
“yes? it doesn't seem like it. are you still meeting that lovely young lady – what's her name again?”
“yoona?”
“yes, her. when are you finally going to make a move?”
“we'll be going on our scheduled meeting soon, as per usual.”
it's a long back and forth on the same old topics – all the expectations jiseok has failed to meet, and how frustrating it is that he isn't even making an effort to fix his wrongdoings, to make up for his shortcomings. the usual – and the fact that jiseok is so used to it that it doesn't faze him much anymore only serves to aggravate his father further.
“and here i thought you were better than the min family's boy,” his father says and that, jiseok wasn't prepared for. it hits him like a blow to the stomach, forces the air out of his lungs that he can only breathe back in shakily. “but i'm beginning to think that we might be better off if you did the same thing.”
a rational part of his brain remains active, telling him that his father is angry, that he isn't thinking – but another one knows that he's right, knows that the fact that jiseok is here right now, doing what he wants, is making life more difficult for his father than it would be, were he gone. instantly, he's trying to think of reasons he should be here, tries to justify his existence like he needs to convince his father he deserves it – like he needs to convince himself he does. back then, he swore he'd make the most of his life for the boy who lost his, for the boy who no longer could. is he doing that?
what is he doing?
what should he be doing?
jiseok drops the hand holding the phone without answering. his head aches, and he goes back inside to do what he does best – pretend nothing has happened, and that everything's fine.
his touch on her skin remains, and it how sears past the surface and embeds itself away inside the cove of her jaded box. it’s a warmth, he’s her warmth, and she’s petrified at what this entails when it’s bound to beat away the minute she hangs on. she jerks away her hand, her gaze meeting his dead on - an unwavering look of defeat. “you’re always on edge, watching every move you make. you expect to fix everything, be the steadfast pillar to everyone. when do you ever get to be you or resolve that you can’t help everyone?” love was meant to be lightweight, carefree like the simmering culmination of emotions settling in the pit of the stomach - but that was a twisted lie. it toyed with her, instigating uneasy turmoil each moment he handed her any glimmer of kindness. he was the visionary superhero and she was a villain - he couldn’t save her; he couldn’t be everyones hero.
the common description of butterflies in the stomach that people like to throw around has never been accurate, to him. it feels more like a rope twisting into a tight knot, vaguely uncomfortable for only a second, before it releases and warmth spreads through his body – that is what her words, what her admission evokes in him. “of me?” for a moment, the mental image of her spending an evening with wine and thoughts of him distracts him enough that he doesn't even bother to hide the emotion in his voice – he's touched, and is it so wrong for her to know that?
but the happiness is short-lived. when he has barely just relaxed, her words force him back into a state of tension, a state of alertness where every minuscule action he takes could make a difference, and he catches himself wondering if there's ever a moment people are not evaluating him. he's tired, but says nothing of it, simply lowers his voice as if that could calm her, even though he knows it never helped before. “it's not an image,” he argues with the conviction of someone trying to convince himself of that, “this is who i am. i don't know what else you want me to be.” there, his first mistake – it should not be about what she wants him to be, shouldn't be about another mask he can put on for the sake of someone else, but that's where the problem lies: he doesn't know how to do anything else.
it hurts to watch her pull away from him – it always does, but he tries to hide the pain that flashes up in his eyes with a small smile, a little sad, a little defeated, but all he has to offer. “i know that i can't help everyone,” he goes on, strain in his voice from the effort it takes to repress the memories of the many times he's failed people, “but that doesn't mean i shouldn't try. that doesn't mean i can't help anyone.” although still maintaining his composure, jiseok can almost feel the thin ice they're standing on starting to crack and the warmth he felt mere moments earlier leaves him in a hurry. if he was to stop living for other people, then what would he have left?
duri nodded his head in agreement. “i am too!” he said, a small giggle leaving his lips a few moments after speaking. he shook his head, “you’re not the only one! i always get excited to perform… ah, there’s just really something about it, right?” he said, smiling a bit more. he was living his dream with getting to perform so many times; it was all he had every dreamed of doing as a child and even though he had performed so much over the past eight years with knight and on his own, he still excited to do so. it only made sense, didn’t it?
he giggled again, nodding his head towards jiseok’s words. “they’re not much of trouble makers, so it’s okay!” he was sure to reassure the other, before another soft giggle would leave his lips. he nodded his head, giggling softly. “yeah, they really have! i remember when all the younger ones were small,” he said, giggling once more.
it was strangely reassuring to hear someone else echo his sentiment – all too many people in the business were tired and jaded, to the point that sometimes, jiseok caught himself wondering if he was wrong for seeing the positive in this life they were leading. “there really is. i don't think there's anything quite like meeting someone's eyes when you're singing and seeing in theirs that you're touching their heart, moving something within them, you know?” as per usual, he found it hard to put something as irrational as the feeling he got while standing on stage into words – were they singing, it might have been easier, but he doubted that breaking into song in the middle of a festival would be a good idea.
the ones we have left, at least, jiseok caught himself thinking but kept quiet, nodding his agreement instead. “that's true. they're nice kids – and i should hope so, with the good influence they always have around them,” he went on in a rather joking tone of voice, gesturing towards duri with both arms. “right. some of them were still in puberty back then.” the memory prompted a chuckle from him that he quickly muffled behind his hand. eight years – he'd never expected them to go by so fast.
{text to »»—♡ ???} so a rhetorikal question
{text to »»—♡ ???} i promise i didn’t drink. again.
{text to »»—♡ ???} but am i cute? :c
{text to »»—♡ ???} i just..read some stuff and needed assurance
{text to »»—♡ ???} also i’m listening to adele and it suddenly feels right to chase pavements
[ ✉ hopefully alyssia ]
→ this is the kind of rhetorical question that has an obvious answer, right?
→ i’ll say it anyway: yes
→ i don’t know what you read, but you're cute
→ and i'm not entirely sure what chasing pavements entails, but maybe it can wait until tomorrow?
→ be safe
→ hey no worries, we’re all a bit too busy these days
→ but sleep is the one thing i try to get to avoid dark circles
→ you better be taking care of yourself while on tour. i know that’s where most people slip up
→ as for my song.. i love it. it was really refreshing when i learned that was the song i’ll be debuting with
[ ✉ 강해미 ]
→ try to stay hydrated too
→ i'm trying, i promise
→ there's this other project i have to prepare for between tour stops, so sometimes, it's a bit difficult to get enough rest, but while i'm still under 30, i'll just believe in my body's ability to handle that
→ i went and watched the teaser!
→ it sounds very promising
→ i missed your voice
After performing their three songs, all thirteen members of CHARM made their way back to their dressing room, with Daisuke trailing along in the back, as usual. He was still keyed up on the energy he received from performing in front of so many people, and instead of sitting down and relaxing like most of his members did, he stayed standing, pacing back and forth every few moments to try to burn out the remaining bit of energy that seemed to refuse to go away. The sound of his voice being called caught his attention, and the staff who called out to him motioned for him to go outside. He was confused, but followed their directions nonetheless. His confusion was quickly wiped away when he saw who was standing on the other side of the door. He bowed his head slightly, giving Jiseok a slight smile. “Hi, hyung. Thank you, I did my best. Oh, I don’t know about that.. You’re a much better singer than I am. If I made it look easy, it’s only because I watch you.”
jiseok's usually somewhat stoic expression eased into a smile that lit up his eyes at the younger's words. this was familiar – almost a routine they so often fell into, but it never failed to lift his spirits nevertheless. “and it shows,” he went on therefore, undeterred by daisuke's modesty. “your fans,” he said, then instantly pointed to himself to make clear that he was included among them, “can tell how much work you put in, and that you're really trying your best.”
the chuckle that left him in response to the compliment he received was on the verge of embarrassed, and his gaze involuntarily found the ground for a second before he looked up again and raised both arms to give a dismissive wave instead, feigning nonchalance to cover for his slip-up. “i'm not better, i just practice a lot to make sure i don't screw up,” he explained for no reason – no one had asked, but he’d never been able to simply accept praise. “can't fall behind when my rival does this well, right?” a hint of amusement seeped into his voice at that, because he knew that it had never been a competition to them – but it was true, after all, that watching daisuke perform always motivated him to work harder himself.
He wasn’t fine, her gut feeling kept telling her. There was something happening underneath the fading smile and the sad eyes that bothered her but she shouldn’t really push more buttons than he allowed her to, right? But at the same time, would he even talk to her if she just brushed it off? “That makes us both, but I do have some talent to talk a lot about nothing at all, I used to do that at school during exams,” she said then, trying to change the tone of the conversation, “it’s a shame math doesn’t really require lots of words and exact numbers instead, that’s why we never got along,” and with a lopsided grin she looked up at Jiseok, “You know you can talk to me about stuff right? Whatever you’re going through, it’s not a bother or a burden, you’re my friend”.
part of him just wanted to run away – leave this place and find somewhere he could be alone for a while until he had sorted this out, until he'd have his feelings under control again, because jiseok knew that there were cracks showing in his façade, but it felt wrong to push jiah away. she'd never given him reason to be dismissive, after all – and another part of him was glad he had company, glad he wasn't alone. “sure, i was getting a bit tired by myself too,” he agreed therefore and gestured for her to lead the way, managing to smile with a little more ease, at least. “i get that, but... i think sometimes a new life is a difficult option, when you still carry the old on your back.” it was a very personal interpretation, but the only one he had – he, who had been starting new lives without letting go of the old long enough that he was one second away from breaking under their collective weight.
it took some acting not to let his current emotional state seep into the chuckle he released in response to her words, making it low and airy instead – but there, because he did wish to convey his appreciation of her efforts at keeping him entertained, and she was helping. “i feel like i'm more of the exact numbers type,” he admitted in response, but froze at her offer of a listening ear. for a moment, he debated lying to her, telling her that he was fine, really, and yet he couldn't bring himself to. she was his friend. she was – and he was still torn between wishing to run away and not wanting to be alone. “i'm... not good at talking,” he settled for eventually, which already felt like a lot to him, because it clearly insinuated that there was something to talk about and thus made him vulnerable, but it was the truth and did he not owe her that?
“you seem to be doing a pretty good job at it.” jaewon responded with a shrug as jiseok admitted it wasn’t his strong suit either. “that’s not me saying i don’t believe you by the way.” he added quickly, realizing his words would probably come across the wrong way. “just saying, you make it look very natural, like they didn’t just throw a group of random people at you and said here your responsibility now.” truth be told, even though jaewon had a hard time getting used to not being the leader he doubted he would have done much of a good job if he had been in jiseok’s shoes. “well uh- thanks- it means a lot.” he responded awkwardly, opccupying himself with picking on a thread on his shirt to not have to look at the other. jaewon had never been the best at emotional conversations. “i just don’t want to add to your workload you know? it’s not nothing, to suddenly be tasked to look after all of us, i don’t want to make that harder on you.”
part of him was surprised at how quickly jaewon gave in after having been so adamant earlier, but he wasn't willing to press him on the matter and thus added only a light shrug and a “we all have bad days” he hoped would count as reassurance. “do i?”, he asked right after, “i guess you grow with your tasks.” truthfully, jiseok had been rather surprised when it was announced to him that he'd be a part of champion, and moreso at the role he'd been assigned since he'd never shown a particular interest in it, but this was how he'd always lived his life – having an obstacle thrown at him and learning to navigate around it, over and over again. in comparison with the many other things he'd never asked for, champion was actually rather pleasant.
“you're good kids, you know?”, he added after a short pause, glancing over at jaewon only briefly before he once again averted his gaze to look at nothing in particular. it made it easier to talk from the heart when his head was emptied of other things it had to process – and it was still hard, still a fight against himself to force his tongue into forming words that felt foreign to it, foreign to someone who tended to hide behind statistics and facts. “i like looking after you, not because i have to or for the product we're putting out, but because you're good people – you as much as the rest.” absentmindedly, jiseok pressed his thumb into the palm of his own hand to soothe some of the tension he felt – a habit he'd developed because it was subtle enough that most people didn't notice and he thus deemed it safe. “what i'm saying is just that you're not a burden or work or anything, so you shouldn't feel like you are.”
jiseok’s a little piece of her past that hyeju doesn’t mind running into. after she’d lost hyesung, a part of her seems to have replaced his existence with jiseok unknowingly. a sigh of relief left her lips once he let her down, and she grasped onto the sleeves of his shirt, afraid that if she let go, she’d end up losing him as well. “what can i say? i guess i’m a natural talent. i didn’t even want to audition until my friend dragged me here. long story short: i made it, and she didn’t.”
there’s more to the story. such as how she had to accept the offer so she could have a place to say. though it wasn’t much, the trainee allowance that she does receive is more than enough to keep her living well. it had been a struggle after leaving her home, but she found a place for herself. now that jiseok was here, it was even better. “i’m fine! don’t i look healthier than i did at all those parties? i’m actually smiling,” she pointed out. while her body may be physically tired, hyeju hadn’t felt this well in years. all the years she lived with her parents consisted of constant pressure and dark burden about what she had to do as a min. here, none of that existed. “how have you been? i didn’t even know you sang. or danced? don’t tell me it was your good looks that got you in because i won’t believe you.”
concern crosses jiseok's features before he realizes it, manifests in the subtle crease of a brow and a downward twitch of his lips. “oh, i'm sorry to hear that – about your friend, i mean,” he says in a rather sad attempt at expressing his sympathy, but when had he ever been good at talking feelings? “but i'm glad you made it. i'm glad i got to see you here.” and he is – isn't he? their reunion is a bittersweet reminder of a promise he made to a boy now gone, a reminder of times both better and infinitely worse.
his smile returns at her next words, a little bigger now, a little more vibrant. “that you do,” he agrees with a nod, “which is another thing i'm glad for. i remember that we were always worried about you and jiae.” we is a vague word now, but jiseok has no time to ponder it as his mind strays to his younger sister instead – the girl he left behind –, and the guilt is heavy enough that he forgets to breathe for a split second before he catches himself again, forces out a chuckle and does what he does best – he smiles. “thanks for the vote of confidence, hyeju – it was absolutely my good looks.” for a brief moment, he turns his head to the side and stares off into the distance in a clearly overdone attempt at a model look, then resumes his prior posture like nothing happened at all. “i sing. never received proper training, though. it was mostly something i had to do in secret, so it's probably not worth mentioning. how about you?” with a gleam of playfulness in his eyes, he narrows them at her. “it was your good looks, right?”
“i shouldn’t have told you that.” she mumbled, loose lips her bane of existence when it came to consuming alcohol. “just forget that i said that. no one’s troubles are worse than the other.” she scoots a little closer, wanting to feel a little reassurance as she shuffled on her butt, unconsciously intent to just be a little physically closer to another.
it should taste like defeat and he knows it, knows that he should feel embarrassed or even irritated about the many times he must have texted the wrong number – but it doesn't. there's guilt, there always is, because her explanation makes sense and no one should ever feel obligated to give out their number if they don't want to, but there's also a part of him that takes her admission as proof of a small step in the right direction. “thank you for your honesty,” he simply says therefore, an easy smile on his lips and sincerity prominent in his eyes. for alyssia, he so often tries to lower the mask of neutrality he hides behind to grant her glimpses at the person he is, in hopes it might reassure her his intentions are good. “at least i have the correct number now, right?”
without thinking, jiseok presses his lips together to stifle a chuckle that threatens to spill from them in response to her reaction. cute, he thinks, she's being cute, then reprimands himself for that train of thought as soon as he takes note of it – it's inappropriate, and he'd never want to risk making it seem like he's trying to get closer to her for the wrong reasons, like he's expecting something, so he steadies himself and returns to the ghost of a smile he's known for wearing. “you have a point,” he admits, for the most part unfazed, “i've thought that many times before, too – that i really don't have any right to complain or mope around, because my problems aren't that serious compared to what other people are facing.” like you, his eyes seem to say as they rest on her, gentle and once again worried, but he averts his gaze soon after as not to make her feel put on the spot. staring is not exactly an effective way to dispel tension, after all.
when he realizes that she's moving closer, if only a little, he feels warm, because that alone counts as a major achievement, and it’s these very things that have kept him going this long. afraid of driving her away again if he goes too far, he merely angles his body more towards her in a subtle gesture to convey that he's there, he's present in this moment, this conversation – in her life. “i do think that some worries can be worse than others, but i agree that all worries are valid. sometimes, we just feel things because we're human, and that's okay. sometimes, we have to feel things.”
“you went to the art exhibition too?” that had caught her attention. they must’ve missed each other but that wasn’t a crazy idea. when it that many people were together, you wouldn’t know someone was there until you bumped into each other. ( or if you had already made plans. ) “i guess, in reality it’d be annoying but i do wonder what it’s like having a big brother around.” she turned to smile at jiseok. “one that sticks close to you.” yeah, it’d be a little annoying but for her, it’d feel great. “i’ll just borrow you from jiseok for the day.”
she wasn’t laughing at him, she couldn’t help but laugh, covering her mouth out of habit. “relax, you’re fun to be around. it’s nice to see what this is like so it’s okay. you can be a little annoying.” it was just a chance to indulge herself a bit. at his next sentence, nari gave more of an understanding smile. “don’t worry, yes. the company does always want us to diet but that’s normal. i just…kinda of have to remind myself to teach? i don’t feel hungry often so i can go a day or two.” and they she explained it, it made her feel like he’d worry more. “just meals i mean..i’ll eat an fruits, nuts and other snacks but not…meals..i’m not making this any better am i?”
“i did,” jiseok replied with a short nod, “but i took a few breaks outside when the intelligent questions got a little too much, you know?” amusement swam in his voice as he threw her a side glance and focused all his efforts on not rolling his eyes at the memory alone, before they immediately widened in surprise at her next words, and though he had to turn away to pay for their food, what she’d said remained on his mind. “feel free to borrow me whenever,” he spoke with a little too much sincerity – yet he couldn't help but think that he genuinely wouldn't mind being a vicarious big brother for nari. “but you can only book me for one full day, and there are no take-backs once you've made the decision,” he added with more playfulness to make sure the conversation wouldn't turn too serious because of him – a habit he was trying to break.
his face fell again at her admission, however, as his brows furrowed in worry. “a day or two?”, he repeated incredulously, “would it help if i texted you once a day with a little reminder to have a healthy meal?” or would that be too much? he wanted to add but didn't and instead watched her face for a reaction while gesturing for her to stand at one of the bar tables scattered around the festival grounds with him, then slid the serving of tteokbokki towards her. “here, dig in.”
as such a social butterfly, yul found it difficult to understand when people didn’t want to be at parties. admittedly, he was more understanding than he used to be as a teenager but, to a certain extent, he still lived in his own little world and didn’t really quite grasp how other people lived their lives. still, he tried his best, and that meant trying to make others as comfortable at parties as he could.
“i’m great! i’m loving all the fashion stuff here, dior is one of my favourites,” he grinned, the enthusiasm in his voice showing how excited he was to be there - and now, with the addition of someone he actually knew, the excitement was evidently building up even more. it was kind of sweet, yul thought, that jiseok had remembered his birthday. sure, they’d known each other properly for a couple of months now, but he wouldn’t have blamed the other for not taking note of it either. “yeah, thanks hyung! my birthday is tomorrow,” he replied, “but you bet i am. we should do something to celebrate with all the champion members at some point, too!”
“right, right, all the fashion stuff,” jiseok nodded along while his eyes shifted around the room, trying to discern in what way the outfits he saw here were different from those of any other event and clearly failing, as he leaned in to whisper soon after: “before tonight, i thought dior was mainly perfume.” a shameful admission, really, for the son of a businessman, but then again, he'd never picked out his clothes for any schedules and he sincerely doubted the hoodies he wore around the house were dior, so how would he know?
his smile grew at yul's suggestion – while jiseok was far from a party person, he did genuinely wish to get along with the members of champion and would happily agree to anything that would provide an opportunity to bond with them. “that's a great idea! i doubt either of our companies would approve anything major, but we could probably go out to eat as a group, or at the very least get a cake and play a couple of games.” immediately following his words, jiseok shook his head, evidently vetoing his own ideas. “actually, it should be up to you to decide – as the birthday boy and all.”
“i always went for the idea of i should improve myself for my sake, so i guess that’s why some fans are angry.” she waves her phone around, as if that would hint of any proper indication of what made her obsess so much over this. “they always want us to improve for their sakes. selfish creatures.” she paused. “i just want to produce good music, even if i can’t sing well or rap as splendidly as others.” she picks the gravel between her toes, feeling shamefully small as she lets the words spill out from her lips. it was strange to share things with jiseok. he always seemed to have that effect on her–having her open up her heart and spill her thoughts and ideas to him. “i’m not going to be my brother.” Her eyes sting slightly at the memory of her older sibling, before her wits gather and she swallows back what seemed to be the first hint of tears.
laughter fell from his lips more freely than usual, as the alcohol succeeded in breaking down at least some of the walls he built around himself, and he took a moment to nod. “on a literal level, my eyes are pretty good. never had any problems with my vision.” his ears perked up at her following statement, concern and intrigue battling in his gaze as he tore it away from the night sky and fixed it on her instead. “i don't know what made you want to be deaf,” he started cautiously, because even inebriation could not turn off his worry of causing others discomfort with his actions or words, “but i stopped wishing to be someone else a long time ago, because that's not something we can do anything about, you know? instead, i try to make the best of what i have – and as you said, you're you because things were the way they were and are the way they are.” jiseok knew that that was often easier said than done – knew it so well, it was painful –, but it was true that he was trying, and sometimes that was all he could do. do his best. try.
for a while, he stayed quiet and listened to what sia had to say, eyes once again trained on a faraway spot he wasn't really looking at – it helped him focus in the state he was in to tune out visual stimuli, to let her words take shape in his head and follow along them. “beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder,” he said finally – a statement that had been repeated one too many times by too many people, but never lost its truth, “the standards we go by in this country are completely different from those in other places. somewhere, you're an ideal – to someone, you're the prettiest person they've ever laid eyes on.” a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders transitioned into him rolling them to get rid of the tension that had momentarily made him wince, because he'd forgotten it was there in the first place – he'd forgotten that his last schedule hadn't been as long ago as it currently felt. “it seems unfair, though. i don't fit the standards either – my eyes are too small, my head is too big, my skin too tan, but people seem to be less strict with me.” narrowing his eyes, jiseok forced himself to think, forced his brain to fight against the alcohol in his system to form coherency, to make sense of things. “maybe it's because i'm a man. i don't know. but i'm sorry – you shouldn't have to deal with that.”
a small smile returned to his lips at her statement, not because he was particularly happy or amused, but rather out of gratefulness – that they were even having this conversation, that she was sharing these things with him, and also that she already had the right idea, because that eased some of his worries. “and you're right about that,” he agreed rather firmly, “doing something to please other people won't make you happy. you have to be happy with yourself, first and foremost.” a hypocritical thing to say for someone who spent so much of his life solely living for other people, but that was precisely why he could say those things with certainty – he knew. he knew because it had never made him happy, either. her vulnerability caught him a little off guard, not because it was unwelcome, but because he wanted most desperately for his reaction to be adequate, yet struggled to decide on a definite right thing to do. eventually, he failed to find the words to say and simply moved to wrap an arm around her form instead, hoping there might be comfort to be found in the warmth of his skin, hoping that his presence would speak the words he couldn't.
there was a lot she was sorry for when it came to jiseok. minah liked to think of herself as a kind, thoughtful person. so how had she failed giving that to someone that had meant the world to her once. “what ended up driving us apart had nothing to do with you, nothing you said or did or didn’t do. at the time i was in over my head, there was far too much going on and i neglected our relationship because of it, that’s on me, that will always be on me.” in retrospect, she could have tried harder, to balance her relationship and her family. or maybe she could just have talked to him, even if it hadn’t changed anything about the outcome perhaps knowing why would have eased some of his pain. “i can’t fix anything that happened or undo any hurt i caused you but i want you to know i’m incredibly sorry about it, i’ve been ever since we broke up.” she buried her hands in the pockets of her vest. “this isn’t me begging you to take me back or whatever, i want you to know that but i just- hope that after tonight we’ll at least both have some closure, and for that i owe you answers, so if there is anything you want to know, ask and i promise you i’ll answer.”
despite the fact that he had only gotten better at hiding his emotions over time, at keeping them in check and concealed from any watchful eyes, jiseok struggled to concentrate on that with the course the conversation was taking. minah had always been a weak spot of his, a wound he would have needed to suture but instead only slapped a bandaid on and pretended it didn't hurt – and it always did. “i'm sorry i couldn't be what you needed,” he went on even though she told him there was no need to apologize, because to him, there was. “i'm sorry i didn't even try to stay a part of your life. it may seem like nothing could have been done now, in retrospect, but you never really know that, because i didn't try. when you pulled away, i let you go. i always just let you go.”
a sad smile stole onto his features as he turned his head to look at her and bit back a chuckle. this was unlike him – not only that he was having this conversation, but that he was opening up too, willingly, and yet it made sense. of course he was open with minah. of course. he never should have hid from her in the first place. “i'm not saying that in an effort to get you back, either. it's much too late for that. i just...”. his words trailed off as he momentarily allowed his eyes to fall shut in an attempt to ground himself, in an attempt to focus. focus. be rational. “i just hope you know that you deserved better, and that it's not your fault.” when he opened his eyes again, they held a little more clarity, though they undoubtedly both knew that the things he felt were never really gone, only subdued by a mind over matter attitude and forced positivity. “i guess there's one thing i really want to ask. are you happier now?” before she could speak, he raised one arm in a dismissive wave, because he realized his words could come across differently from what he had intended. “and i don't mean without me. i mean – in general. have you been able to sort things out?”
