If we had to annoy Harley Sawyer during late night work hours, we gotta annoy Dave Miller 🙏
I don't make the rules😔 Just enforce them 🫡
(pls pls pls give me more Dave content 🙏)
Once William (Dave) is comfortable enough around you to stop treating you like a mere nuisance, you gain the ultimate privilege—annoying the hell out of him just for fun. And if you’re just as cunning as him? Oh, it’s a battle of wits and petty vengeance. Here’s how you can drive him up the wall once he actually tolerates your presence:
1. Beat Him at His Own Game
William loves toying with people—subtle manipulation, clever wordplay, setting people up just to watch them react. But what if you do it back to him?
If he tries to trap you in a rhetorical trick, flip it on him.
If he leaves out crucial details in a story to mislead you, act like you believed him—then hit him with the real answer right as he starts feeling smug.
If he uses sarcasm to mock you, agree with him so sincerely it ruins the fun.
William: "Oh, brilliant, of course, let’s just waltz right into the most obvious danger like complete morons."
You: "You’re right! Let’s go first thing in the morning."
William: (...He hates that he has to clarify he wasn’t being serious.)
2. Ruin His Reputation as an Enigma
William thrives on being unreadable. He wants people to be unsure whether he’s amused or irritated, whether he’s lying or telling the truth. He enjoys keeping people on edge. You can take that away from him.
Make his reactions predictable.
Before he can say anything, say exactly what you know he was about to say, in his own tone of voice.
Pretend you can read his mind: "Oh, let me guess, you’re going to say ‘I told you so’ in about five seconds? Go on. I’ll wait."
Call him out whenever he’s obviously trying to be cryptic for no reason: "Just say what you mean, drama queen."
If he’s acting too cool and untouchable at work, loudly announce how he whines about small inconveniences in private.
If he tells you to keep a secret, dramatically whisper about it to him in front of others, making it look like you’re gossiping (even if you’re just whispering nonsense).
3. Mock His Fake American Accent (If He Uses One)
If he’s using a bad American accent to blend in as Dave Miller, this is your golden ticket.
Mimic his accent—but make it sound terrible on purpose.
Bonus points if you mix it with a Southern drawl just to mess with him.
Occasionally remind him that he sounds like a British guy trying too hard (even if he’s actually good at it).
"What’s wrong, ‘Dave’? Having a bit of a crisis with yer vowels?"
Call him out when he slips into his real accent.
"Oi, bruv, that didn't sound very Dave Miller of you."
4. Be Too Casual with Him in Public
William likes maintaining a healthy level of intimidation. He prefers being seen as unpredictable and sharp, not as someone who can be casually teased. So, if you treat him too casually, he’ll hate it.
Pat him on the back like he’s just ‘one of the guys.’
Especially in front of people he’s trying to keep at arm’s length.
If he’s hunched over doing something serious, just ruffle his hair slightly.
Call him ridiculous nicknames.
Nothing cute—just dumb ones. "Big Willie," "Boss Man," "Billy Boy," or something weird like "Scary Grandpa."
If he reacts at all, you’ve already won.
5. Be Unshakable When He Tries to Get Under Your Skin
William lives for getting reactions out of people. If he insults you, mocks you, or tries to mess with you, he expects some kind of response.
Act like you misheard him.
"Sorry, what was that? Something about how I’m your absolute favorite?"
Casually agree with his insults.
"Yeah, I am a pain in the ass, thanks for noticing."
Watch as he pauses because now he doesn’t know where to take the conversation.
6. Make Him Realize You’ve Become His Problem Now
If he’s actually let you into his life, even begrudgingly, then he’s made a mistake. Now, you’re his responsibility, and that’s hilarious.
If something goes wrong at work, look at him expectantly like "Well? Fix it."
If someone’s being annoying, push the problem onto him like "Oh, ‘Dave’ loves handling this stuff. Right, boss?"
If he’s trying to be cold and distant, just remind him that he’s stuck with you.
"Face it, we’re a package deal now."
"Sorry, but you’re never getting rid of me."
Watch as his eye twitches. He knows you’re right.
7. Make Up Fake "William Lore" and Spread It Around
William/Dave hates when people act like they know him better than they do. So why not invent completely fake facts about him and say them with full confidence?
Tell new employees that "Dave used to be a magician but got banned for scaring the audience."
Randomly claim he has a deep-seated fear of ducks. (Make sure this gets around.)
If he ever refuses to confirm or deny something, take that as solid proof it’s true.
"Oh, so you’re NOT allergic to tangerines? Weird, because you looked nervous around them last week."
He’ll be stuck trying to argue against something that never happened.
8. Purposely Mispronounce His Name in Stupid Ways
If he corrects you, act offended. "Wow, I thought we were friends, Davey."
9. Give Him "Advice" Like He’s a Struggling Old Man
Even though he acts superior, William is a bit of a disaster in day-to-day life. Capitalize on this.
If he sighs, pat his back and say "Getting old, huh?"
Offer him reading glasses (even if he doesn’t need them).
Tell him to drink more water. Like, constantly.
"Gotta take care of your kidneys, man."
Buy him vitamins and call them his ‘senior supplements.’
10. Set His Phone to Something Embarrassing
If you ever get the chance, change his phone ringtone to something ridiculous.
Something that sounds violently happy, like the Barney theme song.
If he tries to change it back, act deeply disappointed. "I thought it suited you."
11. “Accidentally” Call Him Out at Work Meetings
If he’s sitting quietly in a meeting, just stare at him with fake concern. When he notices, lean over and whisper "You okay? You’ve been really quiet today."
When he’s barely trying to behave, act like it’s a huge accomplishment. "Wow, Dave! You’re actually listening? Proud of you, buddy."
If he glares at you, just nod approvingly like he passed a test.
12. Subtly Move His Things Out of Reach
If he’s sitting down, push his coffee just slightly out of reach and watch him calculate whether it’s worth standing up.
If he’s using a clipboard or papers, rotate them by 10 degrees every time he looks away.
If he has a locker or desk, tape a sign to it that says "Senior Citizen Discount Available."
13. Pretend to “Diagnose” His Mood Like a Mechanic
Every time he shows the slightest emotion, comment on it like you’re diagnosing a machine.
"Hmm, the old crankshaft’s acting up today, huh?"
"Oh, there it is—the classic Dave Miller ‘I hate everything’ face. Been a while!"
"Careful, buddy. If you smile too hard, you might overheat."
14. Insist He Has a Catchphrase (Even Though He Doesn’t)
Whenever he says something remotely sarcastic, elbow someone next to you and say "Classic Dave! Always saying that!"
Convince people that his real catchphrase is something incredibly dumb like "Bingo, baby!"
If he tells you to shut up, just grin. "Aww, there it is again! Love that one."
15. Challenge Him to a Game He Doesn’t Know, Then Gloat About Winning
Pick the most obscure, stupid game possible. (Like a made-up card game only you know the rules to.)
Beat him mercilessly. Then act like it was an easy win.
If he gets frustrated, act sympathetic. "Aw, you’ll get better with practice, old man!"
16. Act Like You Can “Read” His Expressions Perfectly (Even When You’re Wrong)
William is hard to read on purpose. He likes keeping his face neutral. So naturally, you should pretend you can read him like an open book.
If he’s completely stone-faced, just nod wisely and say "Yeah, I know exactly what you’re thinking."
When he looks confused, wink like he’s trying to keep a secret. "Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me."
If he ever asks what you think he’s thinking, just sigh and say "You wouldn’t understand."
If you’re just as cunning as William, then annoying him becomes an art form. It’s not about frustrating him to the point of actual anger—it’s about messing with him in small, petty ways that he can’t call you out on without looking ridiculous.
At the end of the day, he’ll probably smirk through it, maybe even secretly enjoy the challenge. But that doesn't mean he won’t try to get revenge.
【 pro/com/dark ship & fic DNI】
