A Short List of Shenanigans My Parentās Dog Has Engaged In:
This is Arwen, sheās a Husky/Kelpie mix and a little Asshole:
āI wonder if she can jump?ā my dad asks the first five minutes we have her.Ā She perks up at the word, and clears a six-foot fence form sitting on the ground. āOh.āĀ Says dad.Ā āShit.ā Later that night she got up on the counter and ate three pounds of corned beef in roughtly 68 seconds but this was considered part of the learning curve of having a new dog.
I wake up at 4 AM to the sound of the toilet being flushed repeatedly in the hall bathroom, and assume plumbing is now posessed by angry and wasteful ghosts.Ā Ā I get up to disconnet it and find her in the Bathroom, standing to flush the bowl, then shoving her head in to drink the running water.Ā Ā Iām not totally awake, so I stand there like an idiot trying to understand this, and my sister gets up to see what the noise is, sees the same thing and also stands there.Ā Fiance notices my absence and does the same.Ā Ā Mom eventually wakes up and finds us standing around like very confused zombies and almost joins the parade of baffled zombies before shreikingĀ āTHE WATER BILL!ā We got her a circulating water bowl after that.
My parentās donāt have AC, but they haveone of thoseĀ āfridge on top, pull-out-freezer belowā fridges.Ā Last summer, we were remarking that we might need to shave her so she didnāt get heatstroke, to which she looked up and made a disgusted noise at us. ā¦Then got up, used the dishrag to pull open the freezer and climbed on top of the frozen vegetables, stretching out and sighing contentedly. Ā āArwen,ā Mom began, but was interrupted by a loudĀ āWHAAAaaaaarrr?ā from Arwen. Ā āOk you can stay there for now but weāre getting you a kiddie pool so you have to get out when we get back.Ā Donāt eat anything.ā She ate a bag of frozen green beans and farted for three days straight.
Took her walking along the lake with the long lead so she could sniff things to her hearts content.Ā She went about shoving her head in the undergrowth, usually coming up with her head covered in leaves and pollen. Except for the bush where she came back out with a 7-foot Bull Snake wrapping itself around her ehad and neck, trying itās best to strangle her before she can eat it.Ā Ā She immediately ran back to me, the parts of her face not occupied with the snake arranged in a gleeful expression ofĀ āLook!Ā I found Snacks!ā I screamed, not immediately regognizing that it wasnāt a rattler, and fell, splitting my knee on a rock.Ā The screaming made her let go of the snake, but I still had to grab her and wrestle the snake off her because it lacked the sense to just scuttle away.Ā I finaly got it lose from her (Despite her best effort to continue trying to eat it and turned around to fling it off the trail-Ā -And directly into the face of one of my 90-year-old neighbors whoād come out to see what the screaming and profanity was, making her collapse. Iām pretty sure being toldĀ āI accidentally threw a snake at my neighbor.ā was the highlight of that EMTās day.Ā Dottie was unharmed but she still doesnāt speak to me.
One day, we left her in a Harness and overhead tether in the (at the time) unfanced back yard so she could enjoy some relatively free-range outdoors time.Ā I walked by the window not a minute later to find her completely GONE, and race out to the yard to find her.Ā It took me a good heart-pounding five minutes to realize the overhead tether was goign UP into the ancient silver maple and realized thatĀ 1. Arwen can apparently do something really weird with her shoulders where they pop out sideways, allowing her to bear-hug the tree andĀ 2. climb a good 40 feet into the three to fight 3. A porcupine, which i didnāt even know LIVED out here. Fortunately, Porcupines weigh considerably less than Awen and she couldnāt get a good enough foothold to get all the way up to it, but I still had to climb up there and lower her down, barking dog profanities at the porcupine the whole way.
My parents recently acquired a mechanized recliner which has been instumental inmomās hip surgery recovery.Ā Execpt that Awen Also likes lounging on the furniture, and is more than capable of hitting a large, elder-friendly button with her paw.Ā So now when she gets back from a walk or the dog park she makes a beeline for the living room, get in the recliner and pushes the button until itās flat and stretches out in it.Ā My parents didnāt have a problem with this because she gets out of the chair when they ask her (Mom even tells herĀ āGo get my chair readyā in winter because she does a good job pre-warming it), until last winter when Arwen taught my dog Charlie, another devoted couch animal how to do this. One afternoon there was a tremendous outburst fo barkign and snarling from the living room and we rished in to find both dogs in the recliner, Charlie on the fully-reclined back and Arwen on the elevated seat and foot rest, bellowing at eachother for control of the recliner, thier movments having pitched it back to itās two hind feet, the device swaying to and fro like a leather covered boat upon the high seas, a furry mutiny on board.Ā Neither dog was willing to yeild the plush throne, nor to listen to the humans yelling at them to knock it the hell off, until Arwen tackled the usurper, kocking him off and managing to cantaleiver the recliner clean over, flipping it into the hall, both dogs and all humand miraculously unharmed. She still doesnāt let him sit in it.
I love her so much.
(If you got a laugh out of this, please consider donating to my Tip Jar or Paypal to get Arwen (and Charlie!) nice treats)
Evening reblog with an additional Shenanigan I just remembered:
One of the regulars at the dog park was an unfixed basset hound with an obnoxiously indifferent owner.Ā Ā āBradā shows up pretty much to smoke weed and letĀ āBojanglesā harass the other dogs, in spite of regular complaints about Bo starting fights and trying to mount every dog, leg, and toddler in sight.Ā
One evening, Bo was particularly interested in Arwen, aggressively following her, nipping her heels and trying to mount her, even after her usual wolverine-like SnapānāSnarl, which has tended to discourage unwanted suitors before.Ā Brad was Too Damn High to notice, as usual, but mom knew that if Arwen actually bit Bo, Arwen would be the one in trouble and was trying to call her when Bo made yet another attempt and Arwen finally had it.
Instead of rightfully tearing his face off, Arwen instead did what Mom described asĀ āA Judo-style front-flipā that pulled Bo clean off the ground and threw him on his back, Arwen landing on her feet like a cat.Ā Boās stubby little legs didnāt allow him to right himself before ArwenĀ jumped on him, front paws slamming into his saggy basset balls, squatted over his face, and peed on him.
āARWEN NO!!ā howled my mother as nearly everyone else present laughed, but having made her point, Arwen daintily got off Bo, and trotted to the gate, ready to go home. Bo yelped but got up and skulked away, only moderately bruised, cowering under the bench by Brad, who finally noticed something might be amiss.
Mom remembers hearingĀ āDude, why is my dog all wet?ā right as they were leaving.Ā Apparently nobody told him what happened, becuase Brad still brings Bo to the park, but Bo has much better manners now.
Thank you to everyone whoās donated so far! Telling amusing stories online is my primary source of income, also Iām gonna get Arwen a very special present.
